The Onion works hard to put top notch parody news into the universe for our reading pleasure. But sometimes, the universe provides a little something on its own. Enjoy these weird but true news headlines from around the world this week.
1. Donald Trump officially names Obamacare replacement 'World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017 (Independent)
Could we expect anything less from ol' Donald? Quite frankly, I think comedians are getting a little sick of the drying well of Trump jokes to make. It's always the same old thing with him.
According to the article, "The Worlds Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017" - yes, that is its official title - "has been introduced by Texas Representative Pete Sessions and begins its long slug through the House and Senate before hitting the Presidents desk."
Despite major criticisms like the fact that this plan could leave millions of people without insurance everyone is going to have to refer to it as "The World's Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017" every time they mention it. But, let's look on the bright side they say laughter is the best medicine, so talk about how ridiculous the name is enough times and maybe you won't even need to worry about health insurance. That's how it works, right?!
2. Nintendo Switch cartridges 'taste so bad' (BBC)
So you've got a night alone for gaming. You get your snacks out. You get your game on. You do your mandatory pre-game controller lick. BLEGH!
WHAT THE CRYING SEA KELP?!!
Gamers around the world stared to notice their new Nintendo Switch cartridges tasted awful, but it wasn't coincidence. The foul taste comes from a "bittering agent" intended to prevent them from being accidentally swallowed. You can read more details here, but here are some quotes from the article by gamers who tasted the controller:
"The strange thing about it was it lasted a very long time - for an hour or so afterwards I could still taste it."
"Oh, it's so... God... it's so awful."
Guy who did a Youtube taste review
"I had to stop and grab something to eat or drink to get this flavour out of my mouth."
Again, Jeff Gerstmann (he has a lot of feels about this)
3. Man found not guilty of stealing cheese, but he left his trial before the verdict and got prison time (The Virginian Pilot)
You can rest easy tonight, knowing that the court systems are really focusing their energies on the important things in life. Not only was this case about a man named Cochran being WRONGLY ACCUSED AND BROUGHT TO COURT over stealing $33 worth of sharp cheddar, but Cochran actually went to jail because he left the trail (for which was NOT GUILTY) early. If we had to spend our day arguing that we didn't steal a brick of pressed milk curds, I'm pretty sure we'd all be saying, "That's it, I'm out." Read the whole story here.
Read more on the next page!
4. YouTube cuts popular live stream of giraffe about to give birth for nudity and sexual content (Fox31)
This article title was actually changed to "YouTube restores live stream of giraffe giving birth at New York adventure park" after it went out, but the question isn't about the specifics of the title. It's about the fact that Youtube pulled a nature video of a giraffe giving birth because apparently it was too nude and too sexual for the public. You know, because there are so many people that are going to be up in arms about a giraffe vagina.
5. Betsy DeVos labels Black Colleges 'pioneers of choice' despite being set up for African-Americans with no options (Independent)
Okay, the wording of this headline is somewhat garbled, so let me break it down for you (I really wish it was parody, I really do). After meeting with university leaders at the White House with President Donald Trump on Monday, Betsy DeVos, US Education Secretary, released a statement illustrating her administrations proposals to help develop underserved communities.
In it, she said Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) were real pioneers when it comes to school choice."
They are living proof that when more options are provided to students, they are afforded greater access and greater quality," she added. Their success has shown that more options help students flourish."
Uhhhh, Betsy? Black Colleges and Universities in the US were established because Black citizens in the US DIDN'T HAVE THE CHOICE TO ATTEND UNIVERSITY OTHERWISE. They literally weren't allowed to apply to "regular" college. Black Colleges aren't there to "offer something new" to a population of people who wouldn't otherwise want to go to university / college. They're there because, in the aftermath of the Civil War, Black people wanted to go to Univeristy / college and were told "Hey, you can't come here, white people only" So they were like "F-ck this I'm gonna start my own school because I want an education."
6. Workmen's cafe overwhelmed with customers after it is accidentally awarded a Michelin star (Telegraph)
Picture this: a tiny cafe that mostly caters to crews of local tradesmen in central France was flooded with phone calls from gourmet diners. Diners, reporters, and TV crews swarmed to the cafe to find.... red and white polka dot plastic tablecloths and homemade lasagna. Great! But probably not what people expected, considering the restaurant had recently been awarded a Michelin star. As it turns out, the prestigious label was an error it was supposed to go to a restaurant with the same name that just so happened to also have a similar address. Woops! Read more about it, here.
Continue reading on the next page.
Yep, this is real, folks. A 66-year-old passenger on the Hawaiian Airlines threatened the worker after he was charged $12 for a blanket. Apparently the plane was chilly and the man wasn't ready to shell out a dozen dollars for comfort. Check out the article here.
8. 67-year-old man dies from heart attack after catching prized Pokemon 'Lapras' at MBS (AsiaOne)
Pokemon Go fans will know that the Lapras is an extremely big catch. It's a rare monster in the Pokeworld, so if you see it near an entrance to Bayfront MRT Station, you drop everything and go. Which is exactly what 67-year-old man did. Also, I'm gonna take a moment to note how cool this guy must have been that he was spending his time as a retired senior catching Pokemon. Anyway, back to the story in some sort of cruel twist of fate, moments after his big win, he suffered a fatal heart attack. You can read this bittersweet story here.
9. Martial arts academy posts how-to video for defending against Trump handshake (The Hill)
We all need to use our knowledge and power to help those around us. That is why a mixed martial arts online magazine has posted a tutorial from a jiu-jitsu academy informing the public on how to defend against President Trumps handshakes. If you don't know what the "Trumpshake" is (yes, I just coined that term), it's this weird power play in which Trump literally grabs the other person's hand, yanks the person towards him, and shakes in back and forth in a horizontal motion similar to using a handsaw. Then, if he really wants to that extra je ne sais quoi, Donald taps continues holding the other person's hand and taps it gently, as if to say, "Good booooooy."
This Defence Against the Dark Arts tutorial (yeah I made that name up, but it's pretty close) is very important and should be mandatory in curriculums across North America (maybe even the world). You can watch it here.
Continue reading on the next page!
10. Man marks his ex-girlfriend's apology letter and sends it back to her (BBC)
Breakups can be hard. Especially when your ex writes you a backhanded apology letter to "make you feel stupid". According to Nick Lutz, that's exactly what happened to him. So how did he decide to deal with it? He graded it.
According to the BBC, "he starts off by saying the introduction is too long and that there's lots of repetition."
And then it goes on from there.
I'm not sure who to side with on this one, but one thing I would like to note is that this made news on the BBC. The BBC, people. The British Broadcasting Corporation is invested enough in this couple's petty break up that they needed to dissect it in an article. Apparently it was a slow news day...
11. Mexican town pays tribute to firework blast victims with pyrotechnic display (The Guardian)
When victims of a shark attack have a funeral, you host it at an aquarium. When a family dies in a tragic car accident, the whole town commemorates their lives with a humble drag race 'round the parking lot. Obviously, that's the rule, right? You're supposed to like, match the thing that killed the people with the way that you pay tribute to them?
Well that's exactly the logic that applied when a tragic accident at the pyrotechnics market on the Northern outskirts of Mexico City killed dozens, injured many more, and obliterated the market. In order to pay tribute to the victims, the town dedicated their National Pyrotechnics Fair and culminating display of "musical pyrotechnics" to the 42 victims of the disaster.
Someone should really tell Alanis Morissette about this, in case she ever wants to remake Ironic. Read the rest of the story here.
12. College student opened care package from mom, it was the trash he forgot to take out (ABC News)
This. Is. Brilliant.
That is all.
You can read the details here, but the headline really says it all.
Continue reading on the next page!
13. Parkour mishap leaves tall, thin man stuck in downtown Denver chimney (The Denver Post)
We've all been there. One moment we're clambering around on the fourth floor rooftop of an old building, the next moment we're a skinny man from Denver whose fallen 35 feet down the old incinerator chimney. I know what you're all thinking: story of my life. Getting stuck in a big ol' chimney is practically a right of passage.
Hinkel, the man in question, was rescued after several hours. He's now being held in jail because, you know, maybe he was trying to rob the building. Doors and windows are so last year.
You can read more about this man who is "6 feet 5 inches tall and weighs 170 pounds" (yes, that's an actual quote from the article. Is it just me or do they seem eerily obsessed with nailing home that this man is both tall and thin?) here.
14. Police called to North Yorkshire school after toilet breaks 'limited to two a day' (Independent)
On some sort of weird power trip, Pupils at a North Yorkshire school were recently told by their teacher that they could only use the toilet between 11.05-11.25am and 12.25-12.45pm. Because, you know, kids can totally control their tiny bladders well enough to use the toilet in limited time windows. According to the article, "officers were forced to be called in after up to 40 students took to the playing fields on Friday morning protesting the controversial new rule at Bedale High School." Yay for little protestors! But seriously... I can't believe this happened. Read the whole story here.
15. Fight on UK train after people kept placing bagels on travellers' heads (The Guardian)
Brexit. Racism. Poverty. There are a lot of things to be concerned about today. Now, we add bagels to the list.
Police were called to break up a fight on a train as rowdy passengers repeatedly placed bagels on other travellers heads.
According to the article, and also the police and a video posted online, the group of bagel delinquents placed bagels on people's heads, and even broke into an original song entitled, "Hes got bagel on his head" at one point.
The police were quick to report to the scene. And they paid attention to the real victims in this tragedy: the bagels.
British Transport police tweeted: Lets be clear, no bagel should be treated so cruelly. And no one subjected to intimidating behaviour. Ever need us text 61016.
You can read more about the bagel shenanigans here.
Continue reading on the next page!
16. Barcelona to feed pigeons contraceptives in bid to slash numbers (El Pais)
Barcelona installed about 40 black metal cylinders in centrally located parks that contain bird seed spiked with contraceptives. Apparently their attempts to curb their 85,000 strong pigeon population, including capturing and just straight up killing the birds, have proved worthless, and quite frankly, inhumane.
According to the article, "City hall hopes to reduce the population by around 20% in the first year of the contraceptive scheme, with overall numbers falling by 80% in four to five years."
The cost of the project? 250,000 a year.
The big win? Not having to clean up pigeon poop.
17. Chilly chickens wear sweaters, egg production skyrockets (CBS News)
Chickens work hard to supply us with our eggs. How the hell are they supposed to do their job properly if they're freezing their little tail feathers off? According to the article, "Certain breeds shed their feathers and grow new plumage in the winter months. Others imported from tropical climates just arent suited for the wintry conditions."
Thank goodness for the knitting club at Fuller Village, a retirement home in Milton, Massachusetts, who heard about the hardships that some chickens experience, and came to the rescue.
Cue: Knitted chicken sweaters.
Not only did the chickens look cute, cozy, and fly, but they were comfortable enough to start doing their job properly. According to Estate spokeswoman, Erica Max, there has been a noticeable jump in egg production since the chickens started sporting their new garb.
18. Kellyanne Conway suggests Barack Obama was spying on Donald Trump through a microwave (Independent)
We all know that after an extremely stressful 8-year tenure as U.S President, Barack Obama's first item on his agenda as a retired man is to keep tabs on what his successor is up to. Not a vacation or hanging with his family or taking a breather nooooo those things would be way too "normal human" for Barack.
According to Donald Trump's Senior Aide, Kelly Conway, they've got a hunch that Obama "could have monitored the President through a microwave." But not the old fashioned wire-tapping way. Oh no. That would be far too "normal human" for Barack.
According to the article, Conway claimed that "surveillance could be conducted with "microwaves that turn into cameras," and added: We know this is a fact of modern life.""
So all y'all that didn't quite catch that common sense tidbit, microwaves that turn into cameras are now a thing and Obama may totally be using them to spy on Trump instead of, I dunno, catching up on the loooooong list of other life experiences that he couldn't have while he was president.
Thanks for reading!
External image source: pathdoc / Shutterstock.com