Well, this is a little embarrassing.
1. My cat was not being her usual playful self. She was just lying around, and I thought her nips were a tad bigger. So I rushed her to the vet... And I got scared when I heard the vet saying "Uh-oh."
Turns out that she just had a case of kittens-in-her-uterus-itis. And because she was an indoor cat, terrified of going outside, we know who was the culprit: My mother's 6 or 7-month-old kitten. We thought he was still too young to be a father! At least they were fantastic parents, the kittens were born healthy and strong and Taro (the dad) got snipped 4 days before birth, so no more being a teenage dad.
2. My snake had a large lump in his stomach and I took him into the vet because I was afraid he had a tumour or had eaten something too large to ingest. The vet took his x-rays and we were shocked to see that it was actually just constipation. Poor little guy!
Anonymous
3. My 8lb Maltese, Wilson, stopped going out the dog door. He would stand in front of it and whine until I opened the door for him to go out. I was worried something on his face hurt- since he has to use his little snout to push through the door, or maybe his leg was hurting, or he had a UTI. So I took him to the vet, she checked him for everything- no infection, his teeth were fine, no sinus infection, no signs of a hurt leg. When I mentioned that for the first 10 years of his life we lived in Canada, and didn't have a doggy door, but he had picked it up pretty quick when we moved to Texas. She just looked at me and said "Yeah, I think he is older and a bit stubborn, and he has decided he just doesn't want to do it anymore". I think she is right, because I KNOW he is going out when I am not home, and if I leave him out longer than he wants, he comes in on his own. So I took him to the vet and paid for blood work and a few other things because he is a spoiled stubborn brat.
4. My boyfriend and I were sitting on the floor watching our pet rats run around. As my boyfriend put his hand down on the floor to stand up, our crazy, hyper Flower rat ran straight under his hand. He accidentally (Continued)
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squished her back leg. That led to a vet visit, gassing Flower so she would lie still for the x-ray, confirmed broken ankle, painkillers, anti-biotics and bed rest. Did I mention she's incredibly hyper? The bed-rest did not go down well..... Flower is now back to her usual bouncy self and you wouldn't know she ever broke her leg unless you look closely at her wonky foot. The silly rat has not learned her lesson and still tries to dash under human hands and feet.
5. My basset hound, Lucy, ate about 3/4 of a chocolate cake. We'd left it on the counter overnight, thinking it was pushed far enough back. It was a LARGE cake with only about 4 or 5 pieces gone. When we came down in the morning, Lucy had somehow gotten to the cake & eaten as much of it as she could. Then she pooped & threw up all over the kitchen. We took her to the vet & she ended up having pancreatitis. She had to stay overnight for 2 nights.
This dog also ate a bonsai Christmas tree...
6. My cat killed a bat. My family only let her out on our second story deck, and we accidentally left her out all night once. The next morning she presented us with a bat corpse, and we had to take her in to get a rabies shot and get tested.
She hadn't been vaccinated in years and thankfully did not get rabies, and the vet said Panther must have been one hell of a hunter for being able to take a perfectly healthy bat right out of the sky.
7. My boxer ATE a rag before. A dirty rag, that had been soaked in bleach for cleaning. We didn't recognize it at first. He started gagging and throwing up later. He puked up the rag on our carpet at home and we thought it was his intestines coming out. Packed everything, ran to the vet, many hours later returned home with a health A-OK pupper... and a nice large white bleached out spot on our carpet. At the time the carpet was a dark green. There's no hiding that.
8. My dumb dog got a stick wedged against the roof of his mouth, but didn't act like anything was wrong for an entire week. When I realized it was there he wouldn't let me touch it, so I had to take him in to (Continued)
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get it pried out and check for infection. That stick was one of the worst smells to ever grace my nostrils.
9. My father's cat started screaming and wouldn't stop - my mother phoned me to tell me the cat was probably having a heart attack or something, so I drove over, picked them both up, and drove both the screaming cat and my screaming mother to the emergency 24 hour vet, barely avoiding a speeding ticket. They rushed him in and put him on oxygen.
Turned out the cat was having a panic attack. Which cost us $1,800.
Deep breath. A panic attack. $1,800. Good thing we all loved that bloody animal... or we'd have given him something to panic about!
10. My idiot cat fell out of the window of an old second story apartment - twice. Turns out the moron likes leaning on the screen of open windows and doesn't seem to get the concept of gravity. Luckily the screens of every other place we've lived since have been much stronger, because my little genius still does it.
(He's fine, btw. Might've done a little damage the second time, but not enough to stop him from leaping around to every conceivable surface.)
11. My middle cat stole and ate a whole steak when my back was turned. (Yes, a whole steak. She has serious middle child syndrome.) She was lethargic for two days before I finally thought maybe she wasn't just in a food coma, and took her to the vets.
The vet did loads of tests, shaved a hella cool patch in her neck, then said she was fine! When my boyfriend went to pick her up, she'd tortured the nurses so much they made him go into the back room to get her. He said she'd never looked so pleased to see him!
It cost me 360, two weeks after Christmas, but at least she got a tendy hipster haircut that she sported proudly for a couple of months!
12. I had to take my rabbit to the out of hours vet because she wasn't eating, just as the vet called us into the room she actually (Continued)
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started munching on the hay in her carrier. It cost 120 to tell the vet my rabbit is eating again.
13. I was peeing with the door open (dude) and my bunny came hopping in the room. I said hello and such. Bunny looked at my pee stream and before i knew it she jumped into the toilet bowl. Such horror as she was sitting in there chest deep in gross toilet pee water and getting splattered with fresh pee still as i didnt have enough time to stop the hose without hitting her stupid dumb face with my stupid dumb wiener pee.
14. I use to have this Jack Russel named Kelsie. Most bad ass dog on the planet. Herded horses into stables for my aunt, once had a 3 day battle with the BIGGEST POSSUM YOU HAVE EVER SEEN and came out bloodied and victorious. And then there was the great fire of '97. My aunt's house caught fire one evening and we ran over as soon as we heard, bringing Kelsie with us of course. We got there right as the fire department was hooking up their hose. Now I'm sure many of you out there have dogs who love playing with the hose water. Something about the pressured water comin out just drives 'em nuts. And Kelsie isn't your average terrier, he's got balls of steel.
So when the firemen unleashed the geyser from the hose there was no force on Earth or otherwise which could hold him. He tore off and leaping went face first, teeth bared, into this super stream of water, and was subsequently blown against the wall of the house with a thud similar to Atlas adjusting his scrotum. Everyone was terrified, some people laughing. But then something no one expected happened. Out of the bushes came Kelsie, barking as enthusiastically as ever, and jumped back into the stream. As you can imagine, the result was identical. Kelsie's spirit was unbreakable, however. He managed SIX more attacks on his liquid enemy before we were able to corral him. The next day at the vet his x ray showed 2 fractured ribs and some minor internal bleeding, but you would never have guessed it from his disposition. I played with that dog and the hose every day for 5 more years.
15. I came home from work and my lab/shepherd had eaten an entire dura flame log. Had to take to the vet to induce vomiting. Cost $108. Stupid dog.
16. Vet here. One time a lady brought her dog in, thing was pooping/pissing blood, was lethargic, screamed when you touched it's stomach, etc. She said this had started about a day ago and had swiftly gotten worse.
After a quick talk about the dogs daily routines we were shocked to learn that (Continued)
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since SHE takes an aspirin a day for HER heart and well being, she decided that the dog should do the same. This was not a large dog, an aspirin a day was at least 4-6x the maximum dose for a dog of that size, and no dog of any size should be on aspirin for more than 1-2 weeks (and vets very,very rarely ok aspirin use for dogs anyway.) This had been going on for months. The poor dog's liver and kidneys were completely shot and it's other systems were in cascading failure. Dog had to be put down.
17. (Friend is a vet not me) Had a guy ask for an autopsy. Weird but whatever they can try and find cause of death. Guy goes to his car and brings back an urn of ashes.
Had a very awkward conversion explaining you can't learn anything from ashes.
As soon as he was outside one of the techs chimed in "it looked to me like the dog burned to death"
18. A surprising amount of owners assumed all medication was administered rectally.
Also, one of the people we had in said, "My cat can read my thoughts and I don't want her to know if she is sick so please don't say anything during the exam. Pretend we are old pals and I will call you later"
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19. I worked for a vet. A lady came in with a beautiful silver persian cat. She wanted it put down because it didn't match her new furniture. The vet offered to find her a new home. Which he thankfully did.
20. My boy's tail was just hanging there limp and lifeless. Took him to the vet and they said he had strained his tail muscles so couldn't move it. There is nothing sadder than a labrador that can't wag its tail, fortunately he's back to his waggly self now.
21. One time I brought my dog into the vet because she was doing this weird thing where she would sit outside the door to our bedroom, put her paw between her back legs, and rattle around on the floor for like 30 minutes. We were concerned that she had worms or maybe a rash that we somehow couldn't see that was irritating her. The following was the conversation:
Vet: So, your dog is putting it's paw between it's legs and doing what?
Me: Like, moving it around.
Vet: Like rubbing it's genital area.
Me: Yeah, exactly. I figured maybe it was worms or something?
Vet: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your dog is masturbating.
Me: What? Do dogs even do that?
Vet: Yes, many dogs do.
Me: But she's just watching us in bed at night.
Vet: I hate to be the one to tell you this, but everyone has their "thing." Unfortunately, your dog's "thing" is, well, you.
Then my vet laughed and explained that actually some animals do that when they feel like they're being neglected. We had a good laugh about it. We started sleeping with the door closed after that.
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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