You're under arrest.
But somehow it doesn't stop there. People get crazy while handcuffed in the back of squad cars... and police officers are over it.
So u/pimphatmanatee asked the Police officers of Reddit to unload some of their stories:
Police officers of Reddit, what is the weirdest thing someone has done in the back of your squad car?
Here were some of the answers.
My buddy works a different section than me. Anyways, he books a guy for Public Intox, homeless dude acting a fool. While driving to the magistrates, he sees the dude hunched over crying from the backseat camera. He asked him whats wrong and the guy says he doesn't feel well and he needs EMS. My buddy stops and opens the back seat and blood in running down his leg. My buddy, thinking this dude has a laceration or something starts to get out his tourniquet for his leg. Unbuckles him, and tries to get his pants off only to see that its no cut and blood is discharging from his penis. My buddy is in shock and calls for EMS immediately.
My brother is a cop. Had a female stash her iPhone in her vagina so they couldn't go through her call records (I forget why) while in his car. Took a female officer an hour to retrieve it. Suspect sneezed and it went skidding across the floor. Was bagged for evidence.
Sheriff Deputy here. I arrested a one arm sex worker and forgot to take her phone away so while on our way to jail she called 911 to say she was being kidnapped. Dispatch told the entire county what's up (while laughing) and that was embarrassing to explain to everyone after I got back.
I have a patient who is a cop. Apparently there's a lot of pooping happening in the back of police cars.
Local town PoPo here. I work in municipality of about 8000 residents and we run usually 2-3 coppers to a shift. It's not a crazy busy town but we have our nutty calls. Anyways, we are supposed to have an animal control guy who is sent to catch all the runaway dogs in town. At the time he was out on medical leave for rolling his ankle while attempting to lasso a raccoon. In his absence, us patrolmen are supposed to respond and catch all the loose doggos.
On this particular day I had been called to a cute black and white Pitbull male adult by the name of Viking running rampant in our town. I locate him and he was just so happy see me, wagging his tale and licking like there was no tomorrow. He had dog tags with an address and number, so he hopped in the back of my car as mah new k-9 pal and we where off to reunite him with his family.
Just as we pull off we get an all hands on deck call of a drunk female battering a shop clerk and trashing his store because he won't sell her alcohol. So with Viking riding In the back, I hit the ole cherries and berries and we take off to assist my partner who had already been close to the call.
As I arrived my partner had already taken her out of the store and put her in handcuffs. She was still upset crying and screaming about how she didn't do anything (clearly). I take a peek inside to see his store utterly trashed, beef jerky and chips ahoy thrown about. Shelving and fixtures completely ripped down and destroyed. Sometime during the altercation little pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream had been thrown as our drunken lady offender was covered in what I thought to be "chubby hubby".
Anyways, just being my partner and I on the street, he had to stay back and get the info for the report, while I had to transport our Peanutty-pretzel ice cream covered arrestee.
At this point our arrestee has calmed down enough for her to cooperate with me and willingly walk to my squad car. Having no other option and Viking being the friendliest good boi there was, I buckled our drunken lady in right next to Viking. She seemed happy with Viking and of course Viking was all about making a new friend. All was right in the world. I turn my camera on as I do with all my transports, and let her know she's being recorded.
As I'm driving back to the station (about a 10 minute ride) it starts to get weird. As all good dogs like ice cream, Viking was no different. He began to lick the ice cream off of my arrestee. No big deal, I look back in the mirror to see Viking cleaning up our offender and she seems to not mind. In fact she seemed to really enjoy it.
Then she starts really enjoying it. I look back in the mirror to see Viking licking the inside of my arrestees mouth with my arrestee straight French kissing my pitty.
Nope! I pull the car over and let Viking out to ride shotgun. He hops out happy as a clam and licking his chops as he got his ice cream fill. My arrestee is laughing in the backseat. I transported her to the station. I then dropped Viking off at his dog parents house. I decided not to let them know about his little excursion. Probably for the best.
Viking still escapes and runs around town every once in awhile, but now I just give him a few pets and bring him straight home.
Not a cop, guess I have to a be a robber... my best friend, boyfriend and I take some LSD after school one Friday night. Something was laced with it. Watched my face melt for awhile in the bathroom mirror, had relations with my boyfriend in the back of his car, enjoyed the black and white checkered tornado above his head, kept repeating "help Henry, my elbows are shaking" (don't know anyone named Henry), he thought I was crazy so he stripped down, ran 12 blocks to the local "crazy hospital" (was actually a huge concert arena) to check me in as a patient, no one answered so he threw rocks through a window. True love. Cops came and got him. Meanwhile, my bestie discovered a stray kitten and sat outside petting that thing for hours. I decided barbs were coming out of my skin, so in order to save my clothes, I took them off and buried them. Naked, covered in dirt, immune to temperature, I decide to knock on all the doors of the apartment complex because the knocks each made a wah-wah-wah reverb sound. Cops get called on my naked a**. Cat lady friend and naked me get thrown into the back of the cruiser while they sort out wtf is going on with these teenagers. She had a lighter. Decided I was evil. Lit my hair on fire. Spent the next few hours tied to a gurney in the padded room at the hospital. I was an upper-middle class, straight A student. My poor parents thought I was possessed. Good times.
Alright, so a bit of a switch here. I was in the back of the car, cuffed and everything, but if you've ever been arrested you know they do that thing every 30 seconds or so where they look in the mirror to make sure you're not planning anything, and I wasn't having a great day but still had enough humour to know what the I was about to do for the 40 min car ride......
Officer looks back;
Officer checks again, presumably confused;
winks one eye at a time (The signature cultist blink)
Officer, now concerned
This went on for 40 minutes, keep in mind he was probably new on the job, he looked about 25-30 and I was a 17 year old girl, just silently sitting and winking.
To make a long story short:
A guy on hallucinogenic drugs had taken a whole lot of viagra thinking it was Pez. Cuffed him and had him in the back of the car, which he thought was a limo, and he was trying to get his arms either under or over his body. He was high enough that I was kinda worried he'd succeed and fracture/dislocate something in the process, but we already had him strapped in as much as we could and decided to book it back to the station.
Best friends a cop. Actual text I received:
"Dude. We just arrested some guy with no legs in a wheelchair. We got him in the back of the squad car. While we did he proceeded to pee himself. Not sure how he managed this. I hate people."
Oodles Of Poodles
So about 2 years ago My friend and I were hanging out when he started telling me this crazy story that happened with him and his mom the day prior
Well, My friend's mom was walking her two dogs in a lesser than nice part but not the worst part of LA when this older disheveled woman came up and started petting the dogs and talking about how much she loved them, after about 10 mins of them talking she tried to steal these two giant poodles and my friend immediately called the cops.
After a 15 minute struggle between my friends mom and this woman the police came because someone called the cops. They arrested the woman who, when she got into the back of the car, decided to start pleasure herself...
The Gross Scale
Took a really drunk guy to the hospital after spending some time in our holding cells. Dude, spit a giant puddle of loogies on my plastic seat. I asked him to clean it up, intending him to wipe it up with his sweat pants. Instead he bent down and zamboni'd (sucked up the spit) with his mouth. On the scale of gross things i've seen this is pretty minor.
Around 1981-1982 I got a job at car wash in NJ. It was full service: you pull up and get out. We would vacuum, prep, put the car on the line, then dry it at the end, and off you go. We did a lot of cop cars.
As a n00b, my co-workers told me to always check deep in the rear seat cushions because sometimes you get "treasure". When cops busted people, they would check the rear seats but often did a mere cursory check. So sometimes treasure would be stuck in there really deep.
So, my first cop car to vacuum, I ran my fingers deep in the rear seat cushions. BAM! I felt something. A baggie. I fished it out and surreptitiously put it in my pocket (the cops were watching from behind window glass). At my break, I checked it out: a baggie with five joints! Free! For me!
That was a good night. Cop car treasure!
Schizophrenic having a personality crisis admitting another personality killed his mom.
Yeah...that s*** will mess with you.
Got arrested for drinking at a party when I was 17. I told the cops before they cuffed me and threw me in the car that I really had to pee but they didn't wanna let me use the bathroom (found out later it was because they thought I was going to flush drugs down the toilet) so while cuffed I somehow managed to pull my pants down to my knees from behind. Leaned over and peed all over the floor of the back seat. Ended up getting in more trouble for that than drinking in the first place.
Funny thing is I found out a year or 2 later that the cop who was driving me back at the time lives 3 blocks away from me and is actually a pretty chill guy. Now I'm 21 and we hang out at the bar sometimes and laugh about the story.