Now, if only these people could convince their sleepwalking spouses to do the dishes!
1. I rolled over to hug him and he accused me of entering his exclusion zone, and if I proceeded I would be fired upon.
2. I used to try to wake up before my girlfriend to go to the gym. One morning I got out of bed, slipped into my shoes, opened the door and she whispered very meekly, "Sad... Cold..." I don't go to the gym very often anymore.
3. I woke up to him elbowing me in the side. Looked over and he was scratching his balls. He then reached his hand up to his nose, sniffed, and gently mumbled "my brand!"
4. She farted loudly enough to wake herself up. Then promptly told me I was gross.
5. My mom told me I once said, "Don't go to that party, they have spaghetti. It'll mess up your circuits." Honestly I have no idea.
6. My Fiance yelled out "Yeah well at least I'm not a 90's game console!"
I laughed so loud it woke him up hahaha.
7. Not funny but very sweet. My husband lost his dad when he was ten. We had traveled to a football with tons of friends and all crammed into a rented house together. My friend who had lost her husband at 27 was sleeping with us in a king bed...nothing kinky, just drunk making use of space. My husband is sound asleep and starts (continued)
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telling his dad all about how fun the day was and how much fun his brother had. At the end he said, "Wait dad...one more thing. I love ya. Okay, I know you have to go...bye." It was cool that our friend was there too as she understood loss in a similar way.
8. I got up to piss, my then girlfriend said "are you going to fight the battle now?". She was still asleep.
9. A small collection from my boyfriend:
"Laundry's here!"
"What, honey?"
"Laundry's here. Weren't you listening?"
"When will I ever get this answer out of you?!"
"Don't touch my gingerbread house again, Mum, I mean it"
A really big exasperated sigh followed by "Pants with buttons. GROSS."
"Small." - said while gently patting my face
"Are your balls sweaty too?"
"I don't have balls, honey."
"I knew it!"
Every damn night. He's a riot.
10. My SO regularly giggles in his sleep. Not any normal giggle, but like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.
I'm a pretty light sleeper, so I'll be dozing off and all of the sudden
Hoo hoo hoo hoooooo
11. I had been dreaming about working in a fish hatchery ( a character in a book I was reading worked in one) and I was trying to explain to my then boyfriend how to fertilize the fish eggs. Except what I was actually saying was "pass me the sperm" 3 or 4 times while holding out my hand.
For some reason he still decided to marry me.
12. This happened today!
Took him to have all four wisdom teeth removed this morning. Towards the end, he asked the dentist if he could go to the bathroom. I walked him there. When he finished washing his hands, he looked at me, still 100% numb in the face, and said (Continued)
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When he finished washing his hands, he looked at me, still 100% numb in the face, and said "chubby bunny".
13. I used to sleep walk and sleep talk a lot during Middle School. My mother got into a habit of video-taping all my sleep walking/sleep talking adventures for the fun of it. One day she showed me a video of me walking aimlessly to the living room, where my mother had a group of 10-ish friends over for a book reading club. I stopped at the edge of the room and stood there for 2-3 minutes while my mom video taped me. Before leaving, I waved my hand in an arc over my head, said in a regal tone "Death to all of the villagers", and went back upstairs.
14. I sleep walk all the time, go to the toilet, grab drinks etc. come back naked no idea how. But one night my girlfriend woke me up shaking me as I was stood on the end of the bed (raised up foot post end) and I was moving my hands crystal ball style around the unlit light bulb on our ceiling say "isn't it beautiful" then whenever she was trying to stop me I was saying "ssssshhhhh... don't touch it, it will fly away"
15. A few weeks ago I fell asleep on the couch while my boyfriend was playing video games on our laptop in the bedroom. Apparently I walked into the bathroom turned on the hot water in the sink and filled a cup, then walked into the bedroom and asked how his game was going. He said he was getting slaughtered. I laughed said "it's about to get worse" and threw the water at him.
16. I said to my fianc in my sleep: "I love you because you have such long antennae."
17. My ex talked a lot in his sleep and had recurring dreams. He was the "Owl-slayer", a superhero in them because he hated owls. I always knew when he had his superhero dream because he would (Continued)
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I always knew when he had his superhero dream because he would start to hum the theme tune to "Dallas", that was the superhero's intro and he would keep mumbling "Die stupid owls." and "There's another one of the winged bugger" etc. It was hilarious.
18. My girlfriend woke up to find me in my underwear, with the vacuum steering it back and forth over the carpet, not even on, electrical cord still wound tight, just vacuuming.
19. A boyfriend said in his sleep "I love you Mary Margaret". It was the name of his parents' pet duck, which had recently disappeared.
20. My mum, after falling asleep on the couch.
Mum: "We'll need to find a replacement..." Me: "for what?" Mum: "Your sister"
21. This is not my story, but my ex-girlfriend's. She was sleepwalking once and woke up in her living room, only to look out of the backdoor straight into the eyes of a man (Continued)
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trying to break in. Needless to say she did not sleep well for a couple of months.
22. Husband: I don't want any tater tots from you. I can get tater tots from anyone on the damn street.
23. She sang "Captain, why you such a lovely fellaaaaaaa" and elbowed me in the throat.
24. When my girlfriend is asleep I'm able to have full blown conversations with her. One night I asked her what she thought of her fellow classmates and she commented about how this one guys hair made him look like a Chia pet. I laughed so hard I woke her up. When I told her about it she said, "But he really does look like one!"
25. My friend Heather regularly talks in her sleep. Her partner, Luke, records it and will gladly play it for friends. Once Heather was dreaming about motorcycles and explained she had a special motorcycle made from potatoes. Luke asked "What does your motorcycle sound like?" Heather replied "IT'S A POTATOCYCLE! IT GOES POTATO POTATO POTATO"
26. My wife and I had been dating for about a year when I took off my tee shirt and offered it to her as armor. Apparently, I told her that "the land is rife with (Continued)
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Apparently, I told her that "the land is rife with beasts." I woke up shirtless, so I believe her.
27. Was still awake working when my boyfriend sleep talked "I'm going father the kittens"
28. It's me, I'm the sleep talker.
"No no I can't help, the giant chickens! There are giant chickens!"
"I have to enjoy the go-karting first. Sorry."
The 'worst' incident was when I was a young child, though. I'd had a bad fever, stayed in all day playing Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive, and went to bed.
I started sleepwalking at 3am, SOAKED in blood from a nosebleed. I silently got into my parents room, stood inches away from my dad trying to wake him up... and when I finally did, I started screaming that the "red man" was going to get me, and kill me, all while sprinting full tilt around this tiny room.
My dad confessed years later that he'd never been so scared in his life; he'd watched The Shining earlier that day, so a tiny kid in a dressing gown coated in blood kinda messed with him.
29. Ex-wife once screamed "but the tacos aren't free dude" Then another time "the cats pepperoni slid off the tree, I repeat, the cats pepperoni has slid off the tree."
30. Another one : husband.
He sat up in the bed, shook me and told me : "the spiders ! I saw them ! They are under the bed, and they are huge !!" And then he fell asleep again immediately.
I... not so much. I'm arachnophobic, and didn't sleep at all anymore that night.
Curious to hear from those who lived to tell their distressing stories, Redditor mind_guardian asked:
"For survivors of attempted kidnapping. How did you escape?"
The following Redditor had very close calls.
Spontaneous Escape Plan
"Guy at a club and his mix of friends was insistent about coming back to a party, I politely declined. Didn't think much of it. They got increasingly aggressive about it, to a physical extent, and I left. Walking back home, I realized they were following me in their car."
"Dashed down the road through the mid-path of a packed apartment complex and just started yelling like crazy."
"No one actually responded or poked their head out or maybe they just didn't hear me. But it sparked the escape reflex of the creeps and I hid in a bush until my heart slowed down. Jumped the fence of someone's property -risky in its own right- wandered through a field, avoiding the main roads, and circled back to a side-street to home. Lucky I knew the area better than they did."
– Dangercakes13
Offering A Ride Home
"I don't know sure what this was, but i was riding my bike home alone, cutting through a deserted middle school and high school parking lots during the summer time. A man in a station wagon pulled up and offered me a ride home. I never stopped pedaling, just said no I'm fine."
"He pressed several times saying he could fit my bike in his car, it was no big deal. I kept saying no. He gave up and left. Don't know if it was just a genuinely helpful guy (this was the late 70s or early 80s so it wasn't yet completely extinct practice that strangers might offer each other rides) or a potential kidnapper."
– DiligentAdvantage475
Up In The Treehouse
"My mum was always paranoid someone would kidnap us kids from the yard. We used to play outside while she worked from home, we were 10, 8 and 6 at this time. She paid our neighbours teenage daughter to sit in the yard and watch us. Mostly she just ignored us and read a magazine with her headphones on and Walkman playing, but she was nice to us. I remember thinking this was stupid and mum was right there anyway so why did I 'basically a teenage' need to be babysat lol."
"One day we were all up in our tree house being jerks to our babysitter and unplugging her headset cord while she was trying to nap. A man and woman came into the yard via the side gate. They started talking to my youngest sibling trying to get her to climb down. The babysitter screamed for help but no one came. She ended up throwing the ladder from the treehouse over our back fence into her own yard and made us all climb into her yard with her dog who was going insane at the fence."
"We ended up locked in her house and she called the police. My mum didn't hear any of the commotion from inside the house and she won't speak about it even now that we are all adults. Never complained about my babysitter after that though."
– Dark_Valefor
The Creepy Customer
"I don’t remember how old I was, just that I was small enough to fit into the kids seat on a grocery cart. This was the early 90s and my mom had taken me grocery shopping with her. I was sitting in the grocery cart while my mom was focused on picking out produce only a few feet away when an older woman swooped in between us and started pushing the cart away quickly. I recall her smiling at me and trying to make me feel comfortable while also making the 'shh' gesture with her hand."
"I did not feel comfortable and started making enough noise to alert my mom. She ran over and loudly yelled at this stranger that this child was hers. The most chilling part that I still remember was that she didn’t flee the scene and instead made a comment about how cute I was and calmly walked away. Before she disappeared down an aisle she took one last look at me and winked."
– gnophy
People who were actually abducted talked about how they got out of their situation.
The Elderly Hero
"It was the 90s in SE Asia. I wasn’t old enough to go to school yet so my grandma took care of me while my parents were at work. My grandma had a little convenience store and one day 2 men approached her. One was in his 30s and the other was an old short man with white hair. They were carrying those hand weave basket pig cage."
"They asked my grandma if I was for sale. She told them to bugger off. While my grandma was distracted, they snatched me and I was carried away. I was kicking and screaming until they knocked me out. One of the neighbors saw me and alerted my grandma. My grandma rode her bicycle down the main street looking for me. She argued and threatened them to get me back."
"If it wasn’t for my grandma and her stubborn fierceness, I wouldn’t be here. She passed away in 2016. Love you and miss you grandma."
– Sir_Blinklot
Dumb Cabbie
"My wife told me that when she was just a teenager, she got in a cab and the cab driver just abducted her. He didn't take her to her destination, instead he took her to a hotel room. She was really scared but she kind of started playing along a little and pretended that she was interested and into it. Then he lay down on the bed, and she said something like 'Oh, I'm hungry. Can we order a pizza first?' and the cab driver said okay."
"So she picked up the phone, while she was dialing he wasn't paying attention so she disconnected the cable. Then she said, you know, I think the phone is broken. Let me go to the front desk to tell them, and I'll order the pizza while I'm there. So he says, okay sure."
"She went to the front desk and told them what was happening, they called the cops, the cops came and hauled him away."
– humanefly
Fighting For Life
"Was drugged at a small town bar, went to the bartender and asked what drink she had given me. She recited what I had ordered. I told her I asked because I'm not feeling well suddenly and it was like the world was spinning on its head. I sat at my seat because she said she hadn't seen anyone near my table/drink. Cool, whatever."
"It's getting worse and I feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. I don't really remember what happened but a guy had led me outside and we were getting in a car. I remember hearing 'bracele' and seeing handcuff clink on my tiny a** wrist. My first response was scream, kick, anything. I already felt like vomiting and pooping so in my panic of scream and writhing around (drawing a LOT of attention from a closed car apparently) I stopped for a second and hear 'finally you b*tch' before I vomited all of the back seat, myself, and I threw myself forward to cover him as well."
"At this point I had no control between vomiting and screaming as loud I as could to vomit more, my drugged self was like 'it can't get worse for me' and I literally pulled my pants down and shat as my body saw fit. Guy never left the parking lot because of the commotion I raised."
"I remember hearing people banging on the windows and the guy freaking out, so I started screaming 'help' the best I could. The guy was arrested and charged with attempted kidnapping and drugging me with meth and fet that they found on his person. Blessed be the big man 'mike' who carried my vomit poop cover self to the gym (next to the bar) where they let me shower and change."
– totallyoriginalacct
The Ultimate Betrayal
"My best friend tricked me into hanging out with her after I moved to another coast to be closer to her. Once I got there she introduced me to her 'friend' then slipped out of the house. When i asked about it he laughed and said 'you really thought she was your friend? She owes me money and you’re her payment. I’ve known about you for months. None of this was coincidental' then proceeded to pull up pics of me and conversations between them two."
"After a lot of initial crying and begging I told him I needed to go to her house to get my stuff and my phone. He told me he would get me all new stuff and I didn’t need it. Why would I go back to her. I immediately told him that he was right. I didn’t wanna go back to her. That he really saved me from her cause what kind of friend would sell me to someone. I told him that he was gonna take care of me and I knew that. I just needed my phone to let my parents know I was okay and wouldn’t see them for a bit or they’d get worried and file a report."
"After much convincing he agreed to let me go to her house around the corner to grab my stuff and come back. I took off running once I got around the corner. Had to take 2 busses and 2 trains to get home. I haven’t had a close friend since."
– [deleted]
These Redditors recalled making a run for it before anything bad could happen.
Declining An Invitation
"When I was 8 years old (f) I had just moved to a new house that was directly across the street from the school I would be starting in just a month or two. I would sometimes go to the school and play by myself for a bit. One time I was headed back home when I was approached and surrounded by a group of boys in their early teens. They told me to come hang out at their house. I shook my head and tried to run home but was blocked. The second oldest pulls out a $20 and tells me that I can have it once we get to their house. I think for a moment and decline again but am blocked again from leaving. My heart is racing and I keep looking longingly at my house."
"The boy with the money holds it out to me and says to take it and he'll give me another $20 at the house, it's in his wallet, he forgot it. The oldest chimes in telling me I would be able to buy a LOT of candy with that money. I hesitate, and start to reach my hand out to take the money and then see my chance to run between two of the boys and escape. They yelled and tried to grab me but I made it home."
"I saw some of them on occasion but I always stayed far away and they seemed to have forgotten about me. I later learned that the house they were trying to take me to belonged to a drug addicted mother who was rarely home and her son's just did whatever they wanted."
– CMaya2006
Teacher "Dad"
"I was 12 and some guy was walking towards me after school. He said, 'Hey there kiddo, You remember me, don't you!? Mom told me to take you home!' I thought, 'B*tch, that's the oldest trick in the book!' My parents told me if this ever happened, one thing I could do was run to the nearest adult and yell 'Mom, Mom' or 'Dad, Dad' So that's what I did."
"A teacher was walking into the school and I said, 'Oh Dad, there you are!' The guy got TF outta there. I explained to the teacher why I did what I did. We didn't get his plate number sadly enough."
– SMG4-Is-My-God
"It Only Takes A Second"
"When I was very little my dad took my sister and I on a river camping trip for a few days. We got to the little rural town at the end of the river where a buddy left our truck and trailer at the boat launch for us. My sister was old enough to sort of help dad with loading the boat (hold rope so it doesn’t float away while we back up etc) but I was too little to really do much so I started wandering around looking for stuff. I found a dead bumblebee and I really loved bumblebees so I decided to bury it in a little grave to pay respects. I found a patch of flowers near the edge of the boat launch, by the woods. I’m crouched down, completely absorbed by my trying to make a little cross for a headstone out of two twigs and a bit of grass, when suddenly I hear my dad’s deep, booming voice scream."
“HEY!!!”
"He was a good ten yards away from me but it was so loud I could feel it in my chest and I jump and spun around towards him. He is already halfway to me, running. His face looks scary. He looks so mad, so focused, and he’s looking over my shoulder instead of at me. I run over to him, no idea what’s happening but scared that I’d at least get in trouble if I didn’t go over to him right away. He picks me up and puts both me and my sister into the truck to finish loading by himself."
"Apparently a man tried to take me. I never even knew he was there. Dad caught sight of him just as he began lunging towards me and scared him off. I wouldn’t have known until I was already gone if he hadn’t been so aware."
"Watch your kids, it only takes a second."
– CopsaLau
A Convenient Tool
"I was about 7 at the time, and at that time i thought it was cool to carry a pocket knife, well, one day i was riding my bike, and a man knocked me over covering my mouth, i grabbed my knife and stabbed him in the side and ran inside crying."
– Toaster_Ruler
Listen To Your Gut
"I was 19 walking to work in the early hours of the morning in winter. I knew someone was following me for a little while and I was just praying I was making it up. Suddenly all the sh*t I have even been taught about self defence came forward. He grabbed me and pulled me."
"There was a moment when I turned to look at him and he laughed and it was at this point I pissed my pants. I was walking as close to the road as I physically could without being on it and I pushed my head down and then threw it back as quickly as I could."
"He fell and I ran in the middle of the road with my armsout screaming. Flagged down to cars. It was a very scary moment in my life and taught me a harsh lesson. Listen to your gut, even if you've done something 100 times if you don't feel safe you're not safe."
– Ok_Talk_90
These and hundreds of other examples on this Reddit thread reflect the sad reality of the horrors of the crime that still happen to this day.
Hopefully, what the survivors did to flee from their traumatizing situations can be a useful reminder to always stay vigilant, whether it is for yourself or your children.
And when all else fails, always scream and fight for your life before the situation can get any worse.
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Interesting points were brought up when Redditor onegrayhair asked:
"What culinary hill are you willing to die on?"
People shared cooking tips and how some foods should be prepared a certain way.
Poor Construction
"Nachos should be built wide not tall."
– DBroncos515
"I hate when the chips at the bottom don’t have all the cheese and toppings, but the chips on top have too much. Balance is key to a great plate of nachos!"
– yo_kashlee
Jaws Have Limitations
"We need to make burgers wider not taller."
– John_Lives
"If I have to disassemble a burger to eat it, it’s missing the point, isn’t it?"
– JediTigger
Just Let It Stew
"Homemade chili is almost always better the next day."
– burritokiller1971
"And most soups and stews."
– wjglenn
Add Some Zap
"Worcestershire sauce can work magic."
– dberis
Resourcefulness
"Being poor isn’t a culinary crime. It takes talent to make cheap food taste as good as my mom did."
– urbancowgirl42
People had plenty to say about rating recipes.
Unfair Critique
"When you're baking from an online recipe, don't change three or four ingredients "to make it healthy" and then leave a one star review about how bad it is."
– cliff99
Inaccurate Reviews
"Don't leave a 5-star review on someone's recipe while saying 'This was a great recipe... after I made these 10 changes!' At that point, you're not rating that person's recipe, you are rating YOUR OWN recipe. That person's recipe must not have been so good if you had to make so many changes."
"Also, don't leave a 5-star review on someone's recipe while saying 'This recipe looks great, I can't wait to try it!' Why skew the ratings when you haven't even tried it yet?"
– randomentity1
Snobbery Is Tasteless
"Being snobby about food to the point where you're hindering someone else's enjoyment is not a positive personality trait."
– swordcowboy
Taste Buds Don't Lie
"If it tastes good it tastes good."
– Danielwols
Some questioned others' capabilities in the kitchen while others straight up forbade them from doing something that is unfavorable.
The Complaint
"People who hate cooking with stainless steel don’t know how to cook with stainless steel."
– 3Me20
There's A Dress Code
"DON’T WEAR YOUR APRON INTO THE BATHROOM."
– andre3kthegiant
"I've called people out for doing this. It's disgusting. This isn't a hill to die on, this should be common sense. People be dumb."
– Aldayne
Cross-Contamination–Bad
"I had to call a girl out again for putting a container of raw meat on a cold station."
"She complained that I 'always call her out on that.'"
"Yeah no sh*t, you're the only one tryna catch state health code write ups.'
"e/ she saw the post and I made her cry, oops."
– ChefBoredAreWe
Don't Interrupt The Cook
"Get out of the kitchen if I'm cooking. Out out out I don't want your help."
– Justice171
Not All Salads Are Good For You
"I live in the Midwest, I love the Midwest but just because you call something a salad does not mean it is healthy and an acceptable side dish to your main course. Snicker-marshmallow-mayo-whatever is not salad."
– ArachnesChallenge
I don't consider myself a cook, but I do pat myself on the back for some of the dishes I do know how to make well.
One of those is Japanese curry. And while I can't keep from serving and eating what takes at least an hour-and-a-half to make, I do find that my leftover tastes infinitely better the next day.
I make a HUGE batch of curry sauce so I can continue enjoying it for the next few days. There's something about leaving it in the fridge and heating up portions at a time that really activate the spices.
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