They work for the Devil himself. We know that now. They call at all hours of the day and night, muptiple times a day. They are basically Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" but in rotary form. I am speaking of sam callers and telestalkers. They must be dealt with.
Redditor u/Account__Compromised1 wanted hear some of the most creative ways be eradicate a phone pest by asking.... What's the best way to mess with a scam caller?
Need Help?
Giphy
"Detroit police department, what's your emergency?" That-One-Person2
Stay there we are calling the SWAT! Aka_Sora
Can you start over?
A couple years ago there was a scam where people would call you 3 times a day saying that you had an issue with your computer. I wasted the guy's time because he was walking me through the steps for Windows and I had a mac. So everytime I'd ask for the location of things, say I couldn't find the start menu or no I don't see an icon for internet explorer hahaha he ended up yelling at me and hanging up. They didn't call again. ktobes_
Buy Back.
Try to sell them something or do the grandma "I'm so glad you called sweetie." Leagonum
You callin' about the generator? Like the ad says, she runs fine but she's got this weird kn... no? OH! You must be calling about the above ground pool! much_longer_username
Travel.
Go to India and meet them GeraldFord210
That was a wild ride. I was seriously concerned for their well-being towards the end. Gazboolean
Let's Play....
Giphy
Do a toddler like voice and ask very immature questions....
"Do you want to play dinosaur?" "Do you like Spiderman?" "What's your favorite candy?" Etusko
BOOP!
I have a fool proof way to mess with scam callers....
I just don't answer the phone unless you are in my contact list. Reddit
In a world where you own a business and it's tied to your mobile phone.... you learn to listen for the "boop" sound when an agent connects. Account__Compromised
Me Time.
What's so important that I have to suddenly stop masturbating? BigMilk0
I answer all my calls like that. Account__Compromised
Yeehaw....
I talk really slow and with a strong hillbilly accent - and ask them the repeat themselves every other sentence..
Seems to work as I often get called a "sister messer" - "Whaaah? I din't get 'yall dat." wastingtoomuchthyme
Sexytime....
Flirt with them. Go maximum Thot on them. TheLastWearWoof
I tried flirting with a spam caller. He kept shutting me down and I kept asking him flirty questions. Eventually I asked him what does he do for a living? (telemarker of course)
He answered that he's a gangsta. So I dropped the flirty act and we legit for 20 minutes had an intellectual conversation about gangsters. Like gangster culture, Al Capone, El Chapo, how to survive on the streets, street respect, etc. It was hilarious and we connected on some level. squirrel_eatin_pizza
AHHHHH!!!!!
Giphy
Honestly, I just screech, make weird moaning noises, and hum the Jurassic Park theme song in the worst way possible until they hang up. Reddit
I just keep the convo going. I've been on a call before for more than half an hour just going back and forth "but what do you REALLY do?" - "Mhm, so what is it you're REALLY trying to sell me?" xxPhoenixPrincessxx
Have a BK Day!
Breath loudly into the phone and say inappropriate things. sfr0sweetie
Huuuhhh, huuuhhh, there's no calories in a Burger King rodeo burger, huuuhhh, huuuhhh. ItookAnumber4
Let's Chat....
I just keep the convo going. I've been on a call before for more than half an hour just going back and forth "but what do you REALLY do?" - "Mhm, so what is it you're REALLY trying to sell me?" xxPhoenixPrincessxx
Out of Nowhere....
Giphy
Just gave absolutely ridiculous answers to this girl trying to scam my car insurance. She actually said, "What is wrong with you?" at one point. to_the_tenth_power
I need to know those answers now hahah. whippedcreamcheese
The Lizards....
Whenever I get scam phone calls or phone calls from people selling me stuff, I act crazy, and say things like: The lizards are coming. Beware of the lizards. They are here. They will invade our planet in a monotonic, low voice. Lestayela
Pump Up the Volume...
I turn my computer speakers on full blast and shatter their eardrums with Godzilla roars, fart noises, screaming, obnoxious music and animal noises. invisiblebody
One was unfortunate enough to call while I was playing guitar. I put the phone next to a speaker and cranked it to 11. Oddly enough, there was only a dial tone when i picked the phone back up. greeblefritz
Hey there Lenny....
See also: /r/itslenny.
Edit for clarity: Basically it's a recording designed to sound like a senile and easily scammed elderly man. The script constantly teases that he's going to pay soon, even admitting that he's "gotten in trouble" with his caretakers for letting himself get scammed recently. But he always gets interrupted with either connection/audio problems or long tangental stories that never go anywhere.
After about ten minutes, it loops... You'd be surprised at how many people don't notice and keep trying to talk to him. Sometimes even through multiple full loops. PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING
Dr. Evil....
Giphy
I have always enjoyed walking outside and talking softer and softer. This causes them to turn the volume on their headset up. I put on my hearing protection headphones and then they get the air horn. Routine_Condition
This is pure genius/evil. youlose999
I feel the vapors....
I once had a call from a man in India telling me I had a virus on my PC. I had a Mac, but that's beside the point
Once he said virus I started to become concerned. Actually, I became panicked. It went something like this....
"OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! AM I going to catch it? Is is Ebola? Is it Smallpox? Is it HIV? Am I'm going to DIE? Oh no, I feel a panic attack coming on"
Then I started hyperventilating really loud into the mouthpiece. I hyperventilated so heavily that I began choking and gagging on my saliva. Real loud too.
The man from India called me a moron and hung up. wild0ats
My favorite was my step dads from like 20 years ago. You really cant plan it he was just being a fool and got lucky enough for the same guy to call twice
Phone rings and he answers. All I hear is him "Hey sorry man I'm not the homeowner I'm just here sleeping with that guy's wife" and hangs up.
Half hour later the same guy calls back and my step dad goes "Listen, I'm really sorry but I don't have the time right now. I just got home and found some guy with my wife." I have never seen him laugh so hard when he hung up and all he could mutter out to me was "It was the same guy!!!" He says the guy got super panicked and kept apologizing. I tell that story at least annually and can't wait to do it myself some day. Olorin919
Dearly Departed....
Giphy
I have a friend who answers unknown numbers like:
Friend: "Brixton mortuary, hello?"
Caller: "Could I speak to Anne Goodman please?"
Friend: "Is that the name of the deceased?"
Always gets the funniest, most awkward reactions. purplescallywag
War Face GIF
Giphy
Apparently, their sense of humor has no bounds. Curious to hear from drill sergeants online, Redditor darkstalker1000 asked:
"Drill instructors, what is the funniest thing you have seen a Private do?"
The following examples were utterly humiliating, but valuable lessons were learned.
Longheld Punishment
"Had 2 guys get in a fight in our bay during basic. The drill sergeant made them hold hands and pretending to be on a date all week. Only time they could let go of each other's hands was rack time. They ended up becoming pretty good friends."
Confusing Paycheck
"Ex British Army officer here."
"A corporal went on a nine week mortar course and was accommodated (obviously) while he was away. It turned out he knew one of the DS teaching the course and was invited, regularly, to dine and drink in the Sergeant's Mess."
"The month after coming back from the course, he brought his payslip to me with a puzzled look on his face and, embarrassed, explained he didn't understand what it meant and could I help him?"
"It emerged that the Sergeant's Mess had a chitty system - you didn't pay for your drinks at the time, but signed for them and the total bill was deducted from your pay."
"This legend had managed to drink more than his monthly salary both months he'd been away and his payslip was a negative balance."
"I'm sorry Smith, I'm afraid you owe the Army £235 ($327.50) this month."
Asking For An Advance
"Former European Anti-Air Trainee here."
"Recruit spent his first check on alcohol and sex workers, asked his commander for next months check in advance the next day. Instead of having a good excuse prepared to actually succeed in that proposal he blankly told him in front of 80 other recruits why he'd need it."
Eye-Level Reprimand
"I saw a guy post about how he was like 6'3 and his DS was like 5'2, so whenever he messed up the DS would go up to him face to chest and yell 'Elevator!' and the guy would bend down to eye level with the DS and say 'Ding!' and the DS would proceed to look him in the eye while he chewed him out."
Some experiences were downright hilarious.
The Stain
"Not an RDC, but in boot camp I was over the laundry crew. One recruit sh*t himself because he thought he couldn't leave his rack after taps. It was funny at the moment before I realized I had to wash it."
– ScootaFL
Ambush Training
"This was the funniest f'king thing I ever read from u/odomotto"
"Recruit fired all his blank ammo during 'ambush training.' He crawled in ditch opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming 'what the f'k are you doing?' Recruit screamed back, 'throwing hand grenades drill sergeant!' Without missing a beat, the DI screamed 'out f'king standing.' And walked away."
"My sides hurt and I was wheezing laughing so hard at this when I first heard it!"
These punishments made no sense. And that's why they're memorable.
The Replacement
"When I was in basic, a kid we called 'Albino' shot off a blank round accidentally in the field. The sergeants were pissed and took his weapon away and replaced it with a broomstick for the remainder of the week in the field."
"Man I remember some dude didn't put the sheet on his bunk the right way and had to wear the sheet as a cloak and go to all the other barracks dancing around sing about how he was the 'Catch Edge Fairy' or something. It was pretty silly, he owned it though. He was doing twirls the whole time. This was Navy bootcamp."
– Konebred
Despite how they are depicted on film, drill instructors are people who care.
Like, Beals – a drill sergeant at Fort Knox, Kentucky – who said:
"We provide more than just physical, mental and emotional guidance for them. You are a father, a preacher, a financial advisor, a counselor-you provide so many different services to the Soldier that the regular public doesn't see on day to day basis."
"They see what they see in movies and what they hear about by word of mouth. But you are fulfilling so many roles other than just being a trainer and teaching an individual how to be a Soldier in the Army."
And occasionally, they are having a laugh at the crazy things their trainees do.