Need Help?

"Detroit police department, what's your emergency?" That-One-Person2

Stay there we are calling the SWAT! Aka_Sora

Can you start over?

A couple years ago there was a scam where people would call you 3 times a day saying that you had an issue with your computer. I wasted the guy's time because he was walking me through the steps for Windows and I had a mac. So everytime I'd ask for the location of things, say I couldn't find the start menu or no I don't see an icon for internet explorer hahaha he ended up yelling at me and hanging up. They didn't call again. ktobes_

Buy Back.

Try to sell them something or do the grandma "I'm so glad you called sweetie." Leagonum

You callin' about the generator? Like the ad says, she runs fine but she's got this weird kn... no? OH! You must be calling about the above ground pool! much_longer_username

Travel. 

Go to India and meet them GeraldFord210

That was a wild ride. I was seriously concerned for their well-being towards the end. Gazboolean

Let's Play....

Do a toddler like voice and ask very immature questions....

"Do you want to play dinosaur?" "Do you like Spiderman?" "What's your favorite candy?" Etusko

BOOP!

I have a fool proof way to mess with scam callers....

I just don't answer the phone unless you are in my contact list. Reddit

In a world where you own a business and it's tied to your mobile phone.... you learn to listen for the "boop" sound when an agent connects. Account__Compromised

Me Time. 

What's so important that I have to suddenly stop masturbating? BigMilk0

I answer all my calls like that. Account__Compromised

Yeehaw....

I talk really slow and with a strong hillbilly accent - and ask them the repeat themselves every other sentence..

Seems to work as I often get called a "sister messer" - "Whaaah? I din't get 'yall dat." wastingtoomuchthyme

Sexytime....

Flirt with them. Go maximum Thot on them. TheLastWearWoof

I tried flirting with a spam caller. He kept shutting me down and I kept asking him flirty questions. Eventually I asked him what does he do for a living? (telemarker of course)

He answered that he's a gangsta. So I dropped the flirty act and we legit for 20 minutes had an intellectual conversation about gangsters. Like gangster culture, Al Capone, El Chapo, how to survive on the streets, street respect, etc. It was hilarious and we connected on some level. squirrel_eatin_pizza

AHHHHH!!!!!

Honestly, I just screech, make weird moaning noises, and hum the Jurassic Park theme song in the worst way possible until they hang up. Reddit

I just keep the convo going. I've been on a call before for more than half an hour just going back and forth "but what do you REALLY do?" - "Mhm, so what is it you're REALLY trying to sell me?" xxPhoenixPrincessxx

Have a BK Day! 

Breath loudly into the phone and say inappropriate things. sfr0sweetie

Huuuhhh, huuuhhh, there's no calories in a Burger King rodeo burger, huuuhhh, huuuhhh. ItookAnumber4

Let's Chat....

I just keep the convo going. I've been on a call before for more than half an hour just going back and forth "but what do you REALLY do?" - "Mhm, so what is it you're REALLY trying to sell me?" xxPhoenixPrincessxx

Out of Nowhere....

Just gave absolutely ridiculous answers to this girl trying to scam my car insurance. She actually said, "What is wrong with you?" at one point. to_the_tenth_power

I need to know those answers now hahah. whippedcreamcheese

The Lizards....

Whenever I get scam phone calls or phone calls from people selling me stuff, I act crazy, and say things like: The lizards are coming. Beware of the lizards. They are here. They will invade our planet in a monotonic, low voice. Lestayela

Pump Up the Volume... 

I turn my computer speakers on full blast and shatter their eardrums with Godzilla roars, fart noises, screaming, obnoxious music and animal noises. invisiblebody

One was unfortunate enough to call while I was playing guitar. I put the phone next to a speaker and cranked it to 11. Oddly enough, there was only a dial tone when i picked the phone back up. greeblefritz

Hey there Lenny.... 

Hello, this is Lenny!

See also: /r/itslenny.

Edit for clarity: Basically it's a recording designed to sound like a senile and easily scammed elderly man. The script constantly teases that he's going to pay soon, even admitting that he's "gotten in trouble" with his caretakers for letting himself get scammed recently. But he always gets interrupted with either connection/audio problems or long tangental stories that never go anywhere.

After about ten minutes, it loops... You'd be surprised at how many people don't notice and keep trying to talk to him. Sometimes even through multiple full loops. PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING

Dr. Evil....

I have always enjoyed walking outside and talking softer and softer. This causes them to turn the volume on their headset up. I put on my hearing protection headphones and then they get the air horn. Routine_Condition

This is pure genius/evil. youlose999

I feel the vapors....

I once had a call from a man in India telling me I had a virus on my PC. I had a Mac, but that's beside the point

Once he said virus I started to become concerned. Actually, I became panicked. It went something like this....

"OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! OH MY GOD, A VIRUS!!!! AM I going to catch it? Is is Ebola? Is it Smallpox? Is it HIV? Am I'm going to DIE? Oh no, I feel a panic attack coming on"

Then I started hyperventilating really loud into the mouthpiece. I hyperventilated so heavily that I began choking and gagging on my saliva. Real loud too.

The man from India called me a moron and hung up. wild0ats

My favorite was my step dads from like 20 years ago. You really cant plan it he was just being a fool and got lucky enough for the same guy to call twice

Phone rings and he answers. All I hear is him "Hey sorry man I'm not the homeowner I'm just here sleeping with that guy's wife" and hangs up.

Half hour later the same guy calls back and my step dad goes "Listen, I'm really sorry but I don't have the time right now. I just got home and found some guy with my wife." I have never seen him laugh so hard when he hung up and all he could mutter out to me was "It was the same guy!!!" He says the guy got super panicked and kept apologizing. I tell that story at least annually and can't wait to do it myself some day. Olorin919

Dearly Departed....

I have a friend who answers unknown numbers like:

Friend: "Brixton mortuary, hello?"

Caller: "Could I speak to Anne Goodman please?"

Friend: "Is that the name of the deceased?"

Always gets the funniest, most awkward reactions. purplescallywag

REDDIT