
A key aspect of being in a romantic relationship is honesty. You have to open up to someone and let them in, see all sides of your life, know the parts of your past that no one else does. You can't have a relationship with secrets anymore than you can have a house with locked doors.
Reddit user, u/throw212awaay, shared his story about one of those times when a door was opened for him and asked for advice:
I have been dating the most amazing woman for the past year and a half. I have been in puppy love before, the kind where they're all you can think about and you smile when you think of them - and we have that too- but she has also brought to me the joy of being together but not together (that magnificent way you can just be and be alone in the same room- her reading a book, me doing a project) and really knowing someone (knowing how her mouth crinkles when she thinks, the way the rain makes her feel,all the stories of her childhood, all the little stuff that makes her a person ). At least I thought I did.
I was shopping for a ring and had been dropping hints that made her smile and we would plan this little suburban life- a deck with a grill, a goofy puppy, a piano. We talked about baby names and vetoed ones, we have the joke names Trevor and Trevina. We'd pick out paint colors and flooring at Lowe's and giggle like idiots. I was 100% confident, I just hadn't chosen a ring, you know,she didn't want a diamond but didn't know what she does want.
Then I got a fb message today from some guy. He said that he was her brother-in-law and that she had blocked him on fb but could I please pass along a wedding invite and it would mean a lot if she was there.
I pressed for more details and it all came out. She was married before to a guy named Brendan and they had a little boy, Sam- she told me before she didn't like that name. The son died in a car accident and afterwards They had an ugly divorce and she cut ties. 5 years of her life, I never knew about and I don't know if I ever would've. I think she was never going to tell me.
I've felt sick about this all day. Made up an imaginary sickness to sit and think by myself and I feel paralyzed by it. This morning I knew her and now I don't. I don't even know how to bring this up or what. I definitely can't go buy the ring and pretend. At the same time, I want to be with. I am hurt but know that was horrible, that she went through something unimaginable but I don't know what that means for us. Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
I just don't know. Help?
tl;dr I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I've been ring shopping. This life includes a first marriage and a child who passed away. i am stunned.. Advice?
Start The Honesty Train
Show her the message, and gently ask her about it.
Losing a child is awful and everyone mourns in their own way. Perhaps she would have told you after you guys were officially engaged. Or when you were going to seriously try for a baby.
It's not about you, OP, and I really doubt you are just a distraction. You still know her.
Seriously, stop thinking about it, and just talk to her.
Maybe It Was Nothing
I think you may be slightly overreacting.
It sounds like she had a pretty tough, emotional time that maybe she isn't ready to share with anyone.
Just because you were in ring shopping mode, doesn't mean she has to talk to you about her deepest emotional feelings of loss. I mean, imagine - you've lost your child and then your marriage falls apart, that's life changing.
I suggest you mention it and see what comes of the conversation. I doubt she was trying to hide anything from you.
Reflect On Your Choices
she told me before she didn't like that name
Completely understandable after what happened, and I'm 100% positive she would never want any of her future kids to be called that name.
Anyway, you need to talk to her about this. Don't make it about you e.g. by asking things like 'why didn't you tell me? How could you not mention this to me'.
Her past contains a lot of hurt, and shutting it out of her life is one way to get over it and move on (same like everyone here recommends to go no contact after a breakup).
Ask yourself this. If your gf had told you all of this herself earlier in your relationship, would it have been a big deal and would you still love her and want to be there for her?
If the answer is yes, you would want to still be with her, then you need to work on how to be understanding.
If you can show her that you still love, support and trust her, even when you know her deepest, darkest secrets, then your relationship will only grow stronger.
Don't Be Another Pity Party
You need to sit and talk to her.
You also need to keep in mind that when a parent loses a child everyone they know (close and distant) will feel sorry/pity them. Maybe your the one person in her life who doesn't look at her with pity in their eyes. Doesn't skirt around certain issues.
Like it or not certain occurrences forever alter how we interact with people and for once she just wanted something normal, something she had before the loss of everything.
She could have also had bad reactions from past partners when she told them this and she didn't want to jeopardise what you had. Then the longer she left it the harder it became to bring up.
There's also the third option that's she denying it ever happened, even to herself. Its a known coping mechanism. If that is the one she is using then it will eventually catch up with her. You can never outrun your past, as you're seeing now.
It's not right to lie for so long to someone you plan to spend your life with but in this case it is understandable. No one can understand how it feels to loose a child unless you have lost one yourself.
Be kind when you raise the issue. Don't allow any temper into the conversation and allow her to get it out as she needs to. Please don't force her to answer all your questions unless she is ok to do so.
Remember, It's Only Half About You
Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
This is extremely concerning to me. Why would you think this? You think this is about you? Is this something she does?? What, have a kid, that kid dies and then she has a horrible divorce? Yeah, I'm sure that's just "what she does". Jeez dude. I know you're shocked, but take a step back for a minute.
Think It Through
Okay, this is the sort of deception you can work through with help, given that we all understand that a loss of a child will, well, f-ck you up for lack of a better turn of phrase. I can understand wanting to lock that away from yourself, which it seems like she did.
Take the space you need to approach this rationally, since it seems like you haven't talked to her. From there, you can evaluate if this is workable or not.
Be Prepared For The End
Some people go through something so traumatic that they need a restart in life.
Move to a new place, make new friends, make new love, and block out the past.
The death of a child definitely counts as one of these. She obviously does NOT want to think about this, or deal with it at the moment.
I'd be very careful on how you broach the subject with her. If you go after her angry or as a victim don't be surprised at being dropped. You need to get over your hurt feelings and think about this from her point of view.
[usernamedeleted]
Maybe Let It Go?
On one hand I can see why your is steamed OP.
On the other I can see a mother who's life imploded in the worst possible way and likely has no desire to relive those event again in any way.
I'm a parent and I can't even comprehend what it would be like to lose my child. I can't even try and think of what that would feel like.
I wouldn't confront her about this. I would pass on the invitation, I would let her know that I would be willing to listen, and hold her, if she wants to share her past. I would also have a question, Will her past impact our future or is there anything we/you/me could do to help ensure it doesn't?
Some People Just Need To Run Away
Oh, man. What a situation.
You are probably not a distraction, and this is probably not "something she does." This is not okay, not by a long shot, but it could honestly be that she was hoping to just outrun the grief. To not have it be part of her anymore.
When you go through something awful, it's a lot easier, sometimes, to only be around people that don't know about it. Rudyard Kipling even wrote a poem that talks about this--the lines
There is knowledge God forbid / More than one should own
always suggested to me something that I learned as a teenager--sometimes when people know you've been through Hell, when they look at you, Hell is all they see. It holds you there. It makes it really hard to outgrow the horrors of the where-you've-been, when you can see it reflected in people's eyes.
So...from my perspective this was probably not an attempt at manipulation, but instead an attempt to just...not be that person anymore. Not be the grieving mother, not be the injured ex-wife, not be the divorcee whose marriage and relationship with family was shattered (even now, her ex-brother-in-law wants her company! That does not tell me that she is a bad person).
That does not, however, make it okay. Not when the two of you are talking about marriage. She should have told you when you started talking about rings and baby names, and you're not wrong to feel conflicted and maybe a bit angry and hurt about it. Stunned, absolutely.
My advice would be to sit her down and to tell her that her brother-in-law got in touch with you. Don't accuse, don't shout, don't get angry, just tell her that you were told to pass on a wedding invitation, and see how she responds to that. Be calm.
Does knowing that she has lived through this grief make you less likely to want to marry her? Does knowing that she bore and lost a child make you less likely to want to have children with her?
H/T: Reddit
People Describe The Weirdest Rules They've Encountered Because Of One Person's Actions
Don't pee in a pool.
Like... who did that so that it had to become a rule?
Who was that dumb?
Rules are rules, and there are many good rules.
But so many rules are just arbitrary because some idiot chose to be... well, an idiot.
RedditorGoogunkwanted to hear about the times we've all been hindered because someone else was a mess. They asked:
"What stupid rule did your work have to make because one idiot ruined it for everyone?"
I've always hated rules implemented because of other's nonsense.
No Kissing
"Not at a workplace but at a summer camp (YMCA). Only children under the age of 9 were allowed on the playground due to the fact that 2 older kids (don’t know how old they were) were caught kissing on the playground."
Puppet007
Yes, creepy dolls...
"Only one personal item in your office. This was a financial institution so customers came into our offices. This was put in place because of one lady who had her office packed with trinkets including a handful of dolls. Yes, creepy dolls. Come and get your auto loan also don't worry we have some dolls here to witness your transaction."
luminescentbluedot
That went nowhere...
"A video game company I worked for provided free snacks and sodas. One Friday HR had just done a shopping run and was bringing in a truck load of junk food. One employee was caught sneaking a case of soda out of the parking lot. He wasn't fired or disciplined, it was just made public why the perk was ended. He quit shortly afterward and attempted to sue for a hostile work environment. That went nowhere."
DarrenEdwards
Pringles Please
"No popcorn. I work at a financial company and not once, but twice, someone burned microwave popcorn during end of day processing and caused the building evac. Every once in a while a new person is cooking some up and I just imagine the talking to they're about to get."
katrascythe
"We had this, but with microwave ramen. Someone managed to try to microwave it without putting water in. Twice."
_MaddAddam
Fun Over
"We used to get a free beer after our shifts at a pizza restaurant I worked at, until the manager’s little brother got in a car accident after work (he ran a red light or something). That was fun while it lasted."
boi-juice
I thought rules were designed to make sense.
Ask First
"Well, I went to the Dr office the other day. At the bathroom there was a sign. It said 'Due to misuse of hand soap, you will have to request soap from front desk.' I'm weirded the f**k out. What the hell are they doing with the soap?! At the doctor's office?? I was just too afraid to ask."
Ok-Reporter-2688
Get a Manager...
"At a restaurant I worked at needed a manager override to make any price adjustments, remove items, or process certain cash transactions. This was done because another service found a way to discount their own meals or something. Anyways, this was a huge problem for everyone because there were only two managers in the whole restaurant, and often only one was on shift at a time."
"So when it would get really busy, which happened almost every night, it was next impossible to get a manager to help you out. Often times they'd scream at you for asking for help, meanwhile your tables are getting pissy because they've been sitting there for 15 minutes waiting for me to cash them out, and I can't do anything about it."
"So between my managers yelling at me and getting stiffed, the job because insanely stressful. I quickly put in my two weeks and got the f**k out."
14thCluelessbird
Confrontations
"We used to be able to pop in an ear bud at work with the offset being that we couldn't spend more than a few seconds here or there to switch podcasts or something. Naturally, some people took a mile and spent minutes on their phones. Since everyone was afraid of confronting these people, phones and earbuds were banned in work spaces altogether."
DYGTD
"OOPSIE"
"If you derail a train you have to get drug tested. In my time at that company members of my team caused 3 derailments. After the second one, the employee's official statement was 'oops, no further comment.' It was operator error and the guy owned up to it."
"After the third one, the guy driving hops out and screams 'OOPSIE.' He was being a real prick about the problem he just caused. So we ended up rewriting the drug testing policy to drug test the guy, and sure enough he failed. So then he was gone."
thedankbank1021
Damn Bob
"Former boss here. My total pet peeve was company wide memos about 'behavioral' problems that were really about a single employee. Not on my watch! Supervisor has a problem with “Bob”? F**king talk to Bob. That draft memo is not going out. I feel your pain y’all."
Rules are made to be broken. Especially stupid ones.
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We as a people have been throwing shade for generations.
And it's only getting better.
An insult lands better with finesse and wit.
Let's get creative.
Redditorfuturesbloodlinewanted to hear all the best shade we have to throw. So they asked:
"What is the most creative insult you've been told that you couldn't even get mad at it?"
I still love a good, subtle... "Bless Your Heart!"
Drive On
"During heavy fog, I was driving extra cautiously. My passenger looked at me and said:"
"'There's a funeral home out there somewhere looking for you to be their hearse driver.'"
Back2Bach
Roll Down
"Student asked me, during sex Ed, about the bar code that printed near the base of every condom. I said I didn’t know that condoms had barcodes like that. He smiled and said, 'Oh, you don’t gotta roll yours down that far, huh.' I laughed and told him that was one of the funniest things a student ever said."
this_name_is_banned
Scrambled
"My step-sister can be kind of an airhead. On Christmas one year, her dad gave her something that required her to set the day and time. She asked him what day it was. Her dad just laughed and said 'oh honey, you could hide your own easter eggs.'"
Celesticle
"Sounds like a burn on people with ADHD. My apartment is filled with surprises I accidentally hide from my as elf."
Flyingwheelbarrow
God Draws
"Overheard 'I might be fat but you look like something God drew with his left hand.' I still giggle when I think about it."
forevertwoc
"Speaking as a lefty that can't really draw and isn't really artistic, this kinda stings."
PitBullFan
"Well there's the whole 'The Right Hand of God' thing. So I guess some have taken that literally"
shewy92
LOL
"I don't know why but my friend called me a dense liquid once and it was hilarious to me."
maybe_spoopy
Some of you are savage AF. And I am living....
Let it Dry
"It was a rainy day, I was at a construction site for labor work, I had nothing to do so I was just standing there next looking at the dirt mounds around the site. Some fella walks pass me and says 'what’s your job, watching dirt dry?' Cheeky."
Ike_The_Sir
I See You
“'You look like someone who enjoys pro wrestling.' At the time, they were absolutely right."
sanibelle98
"It's one of those things where yes, a lot of it is stupid bullsh*t, but one can appreciate the better stories they've told (Undertaker being a good example), and the olympic skill it takes to be 7' and 300lbs while managing to do acrobatic flips and NOT hurt anyone. It's genuinely impressive."
Bacxaber
"As someone in the pro wrestling business, never be ashamed of being a pro wrestling fan."
MaskMan193
So Pretty
"My great grandma used to say you can’t be pretty and smart on the same day. When one of us would do something dumb, she would pat us on the shoulder and say 'you look so pretty today' and usually the person would take it as a compliment from Gran and not realize until later."
SneezyMcBeezy
Shout
"My mom ‘shouted’ at my brother in the kitchen to go get his laundry cause it was sitting in the dryer getting wrinkled and he replied without hesitation 'yeah well you’re sitting on the couch getting wrinkled so.' It didn’t go well lmao."
DarkWing2274
"Nah, unlike my father my mom isn’t violent. she just said 'this is why amber left you.'"
"Amber was my brother’s girlfriend of 5 years, and on the night he was gonna propose he found out she’d been cheating on him for 3 years with like 8 different people. amber sucked anyway, i didn’t like her, so i’m kinda glad but he’s still depressed about it."
DarkWing2274
Cheap
I asked a bartender 'What’s cheap and has a lot of alcohol in it?' And he said 'You.'"
NickyAndretina
I have a whole new list of shade to share. Thank you.
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If zombies arrived right now, none of us would be shocked.
The way the world has been working, I think most of us would be like... "Sounds about right..."
So maybe we should prepare.
I feel like there is a lot of detail shows like "The Walking Dead" ignore.
When we're not squabbling with the undead... what do we need for the day to day.
RedditorHouseGrasswanted us to get prepared... just in case. They asked people to divulge...
"If a zombie apocalypse were to happen, what is an issue people don’t think about?"
So far my biggest concerns are banks and the liquor store. Tell me more...
Enemies
"There are so many flies. Flies."
Acceptable_Floor166
"Flies eat dead flesh - they'll be zombie enemy #1."
JustAnotherFool896
Yuck
"The smell. You ever see them movies where the cops find a corpse and they puke because of the smell... of one dead body? What's the smell going to be like when:"
"A huge percent of the population is decomposing and walking around everywhere. Or if you kill them, lying there not getting buried... just lying there getting more stinky."
"No refrigerators so all existing food in everywhere is going to rot."
"Toilets will eventually stop working so you have that to deal with."
"That and diseases other than being bit by a zombie and lack of medicine to treat them."
_ImNoJedi_
Get Soap
"Hygiene. A lot of people take the fact we have easily accessible soap and don't realize just how easy it is to die from a small infected cut without it."
Wolf-Track
"I've thought about this in every zombie film/show I've seen where two characters have sex. They're sweaty, dirty, sometimes covered in blood and zombie guts. That has absolutely got to give you a serious infection, and you won't even be able to find antibiotics to treat it. Yuck."
lovelyxcastle
Power
"Batteries. I’m one of the few left who is watching fear the walking dead. Just saw someone use a flashlight YEARS after sh*t started. 2 weekends ago when our power went out, our flashlight from last year had dead batteries."
funnylooking09
"Most batteries sold these days advertise a shelf life of 10 years. But a battery sitting in a flashlight is likely to drain faster than one sitting in a box."
industrialScreen
Easy Death
"Simple illnesses such as strep throat."
Zkenny13
"Diarrhea will be a potential death sentence again."
Crabtoe
The basics are always the things forgotten in the movies and shows.
The Collapse
"Uncontrolled release of toxic and hazardous materials as a result of industrial facilities collapsing due to a lack of continued maintenance."
"Dams collapsing and flooding out everything downstream. Power plants overheating or pressurizing and detonating. Toxic chemicals seeping into the water table or aerosolizing in fires. We made a world that we can only survive in if we keep it going."
Stentata
Can you write me something...
"Your prescriptions. I personally don't take any meds daily but i know people who do and would eventually die without them. Even if you broke into a pharmacy or something the meds would only last you so long. If you're lucky the zombies will decompose until they die but it's never safe to assume that will happen."
CitizenOfInnistrad
Bad Ideas
"Sex in the zombie apocalypse is just overall a terrible idea. Becoming pregnant means you need more food and are much less agile, both major detriments. Even if the baby does get born, that new human is now going to be slowing you down, a hassle to take care of, quite loud and zombie-attracting, and cannot work or contribute to the group, but is still another mouth to feed and water."
MaeBeaInTheWoods
How to Fuel...
"Gas expires."
Link22_22
"'The Last Man on Earth’ explores this after two years I think. He pours petrol from a can and it comes out kinda lumpy. One of the other characters points out that he warned everyone that this would happen and they should’ve been setting up solar panels which is what they do next. Obviously it’s not 100% accurate and it’s a comedy series but it reminded me how fossil fuels would become useless after a while."
reecedutoit
$$$
"It's not gonna be good for the economy."
Flintz08
Well that is a solid list compiled. I'm ready. Just need liquor.
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Gunshots. Car accidents. Stalkers.
I've avoided them all by mere seconds.
But I'm not unique.
Every day we all live a balance between life and death.
Redditor TheWingsterwanted to hear about the times we've all thought we were about to leave this Earthly plane but found ourselves still breathing. They asked:
"What moment made you think 'yup, I'm dead,' but you survived?"
I believe we all live moment to moment literally just surviving. So let's hear about when death is being loud.
A Goner
"Briefly trapped under the raft while in rapids white water rafting. Didn’t get the breath I thought I would when my head hit the bottom of the raft. Thought I was a goner. A second later I was to the side of the raft and only mostly still freaking out."
spaceman_danger
Stop Smoking
"I was 11. I had just developed asthma and my mother refused to quit chain smoking in the house. One night I have a severe attack. I'm trying to use my rescue inhaler and its not working. Each time I try to inhale it just goes right out my nose. I panic."
"I vividly remember my mother smoking a cigarette as the panic is giving way to hypoxia. She's screaming at me to use my inhaler. Right before loosing consciousness I realized that was it, I'm dead. There wasn't a whole lot of life to flash before my eyes. A sense of calm and peace settled over me as I collapsed."
"My parents did CPR on me until the paramedics arrived. I woke up in ICU days later with a tube down my throat. The doctors were surprised I survived. My mother never smoked in the house again after that. The car was still fair game for her though."
Saiyanman007
Lungs
"I was choking on food, almost a full blockage and couldn't get any air in. After several attempts to get it out, it sunk in that it was really lodged in my throat and I was screwed. Started to feel dizzy and everything moved slowly. I remember thinking what an embarrassing way to die and that I didn't want my kid to be watching (it was at breakfast)."
"I started dialing 911 when my husband came up behind me and started first aid. He got the blockage out and I started vomiting everywhere. It was very intense. I still went to get checked by a doctor to make sure my lungs were clear because I felt dizzy for hours after and my throat was raw. Took a day or so to heal. He 100% saved my life!"
shadowball46
Oh Crap!
"When I was a 6th grader I was cutting plastic with a box cutter, knife slipped and sliced a 6 inch long and .5 inch deep cut into my wrist, cut almost every vein and the tendon some people have, my first thought was oh crap I’m bleeding, followed by me running to the bathroom and then slipping on the blood and smacking my head of the floor, knocked out and somehow lived."
sovietsexyboi
Just a Graze
"I went under the wheels of a semi while riding a bicycle. Trapped for 2 hours until they cut my bike apart around me. Walked away with a graze on my leg and elbow."
PokesPenguin
How in the world? My stomach is in knots.
Lived to see another day!
"Squished in the middle car of a multi-car highway accident."
"Air bags deployed/car totaled/smelled burning scent (not sure what it was but assumed the car was about to explode). And stuck in the fast lane on the highway as other cars whizzed by this cluster-f#% at high speed. Lived to see another day! Felt extremely shaky from adrenaline for hours afterward…"
LBinSF
BOOM!!
"House explosion, 3 years old Edmonton, AB. I vividly remember standing next to a stove that someone was fixing in the basement apartment of my Dads friends house (who we were visiting) and next thing I was opening my eyes in in the daylight outside. I completely blacked out while the gas stove exploded and I landed clean in the driveway. My dad and mom were on the front page of the Edmonton Journal 1993."
"I remember distinctly thinking the brightness was heaven and that I had died and fell into heaven- my baby sister had died several weeks prior to SIDS and my mother and father had to explain where she had gone and I thought I was in heaven but it was the sky."
AD_Skinner_no_shirt
So mission accomplished...
"Car accident. We hit a patch of ice and went over a guardrail and off a 40 foot cliff. I knew was dead the moment I pulled my leg free from the piece of door stabbing through it and the blood came out like a faucet. I figured I could at least climb back to the road for help before I passed out so I did."
"I flagged down a passing truck and passed out and died in the ambulance before they brought me back. The firefighters used my blood trail to find my friends car which saved his life. So mission accomplished."
Shes_dead_Jim
fade to black...
"Had a car crash into my house and hit me when I was a child. I was sitting on the couch at the time and it hit me, drove through the next wall into the garage, then came to rest on top of my lap, pinning me down to the couch with it's full weight. I wont go into too much detail about my injuries: suffice it to say that it was pretty gorey."
"It took over an hour for the emergency responders to get me out from underneath it. That hour is foggy at best. I remember so much pain, and at some point I felt this overwhelming sense of peace about the situation. Like, I instinctually knew that all I had to do was let go and the pain would stop."
"I started to let go, and I began slipping away. The pain stopped, the world slowed, and everything started to fade to black. It felt like I was floating on water, and all the fear and agony was taken far away from me. I snapped back into myself to the sound of a firefighter yelling at me to stay awake. Immediately the pain returned and I was fully 'here' again. Didn't hit me until much later in life that I was interrupted in the middle of the death process."
Apprehensive-Donkey3
"I'm laying in the hospital right now typing with one hand. I found out a few days ago that I remained conscious enough to call 9-1-1 myself even though I don't recall doing that. Pretty much the only reason I'm alive is because I didn't injure my head."
FormerUniform
Good for all of you. Do great with the rest of your lives.
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