A key aspect of being in a romantic relationship is honesty. You have to open up to someone and let them in, see all sides of your life, know the parts of your past that no one else does. You can't have a relationship with secrets anymore than you can have a house with locked doors.
Reddit user, u/throw212awaay, shared his story about one of those times when a door was opened for him and asked for advice:
I have been dating the most amazing woman for the past year and a half. I have been in puppy love before, the kind where they're all you can think about and you smile when you think of them - and we have that too- but she has also brought to me the joy of being together but not together (that magnificent way you can just be and be alone in the same room- her reading a book, me doing a project) and really knowing someone (knowing how her mouth crinkles when she thinks, the way the rain makes her feel,all the stories of her childhood, all the little stuff that makes her a person ). At least I thought I did.
I was shopping for a ring and had been dropping hints that made her smile and we would plan this little suburban life- a deck with a grill, a goofy puppy, a piano. We talked about baby names and vetoed ones, we have the joke names Trevor and Trevina. We'd pick out paint colors and flooring at Lowe's and giggle like idiots. I was 100% confident, I just hadn't chosen a ring, you know,she didn't want a diamond but didn't know what she does want.
Then I got a fb message today from some guy. He said that he was her brother-in-law and that she had blocked him on fb but could I please pass along a wedding invite and it would mean a lot if she was there.
I pressed for more details and it all came out. She was married before to a guy named Brendan and they had a little boy, Sam- she told me before she didn't like that name. The son died in a car accident and afterwards They had an ugly divorce and she cut ties. 5 years of her life, I never knew about and I don't know if I ever would've. I think she was never going to tell me.
I've felt sick about this all day. Made up an imaginary sickness to sit and think by myself and I feel paralyzed by it. This morning I knew her and now I don't. I don't even know how to bring this up or what. I definitely can't go buy the ring and pretend. At the same time, I want to be with. I am hurt but know that was horrible, that she went through something unimaginable but I don't know what that means for us. Am I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
I just don't know. Help?
tl;dr I(30m) just found out my girlfriend(28) of a year+ had a whole life I knew nothing about, right as I've been ring shopping. This life includes a first marriage and a child who passed away. i am stunned.. Advice?
Start The Honesty Train
GiphyShow her the message, and gently ask her about it.
Losing a child is awful and everyone mourns in their own way. Perhaps she would have told you after you guys were officially engaged. Or when you were going to seriously try for a baby.
It's not about you, OP, and I really doubt you are just a distraction. You still know her.
Seriously, stop thinking about it, and just talk to her.
Maybe It Was Nothing
GiphyI think you may be slightly overreacting.
It sounds like she had a pretty tough, emotional time that maybe she isn't ready to share with anyone.
Just because you were in ring shopping mode, doesn't mean she has to talk to you about her deepest emotional feelings of loss. I mean, imagine - you've lost your child and then your marriage falls apart, that's life changing.
I suggest you mention it and see what comes of the conversation. I doubt she was trying to hide anything from you.
Reflect On Your Choices
Giphyshe told me before she didn't like that name
Completely understandable after what happened, and I'm 100% positive she would never want any of her future kids to be called that name.
Anyway, you need to talk to her about this. Don't make it about you e.g. by asking things like 'why didn't you tell me? How could you not mention this to me'.
Her past contains a lot of hurt, and shutting it out of her life is one way to get over it and move on (same like everyone here recommends to go no contact after a breakup).
Ask yourself this. If your gf had told you all of this herself earlier in your relationship, would it have been a big deal and would you still love her and want to be there for her?
If the answer is yes, you would want to still be with her, then you need to work on how to be understanding.
If you can show her that you still love, support and trust her, even when you know her deepest, darkest secrets, then your relationship will only grow stronger.
Don't Be Another Pity Party
You need to sit and talk to her.
You also need to keep in mind that when a parent loses a child everyone they know (close and distant) will feel sorry/pity them. Maybe your the one person in her life who doesn't look at her with pity in their eyes. Doesn't skirt around certain issues.
Like it or not certain occurrences forever alter how we interact with people and for once she just wanted something normal, something she had before the loss of everything.
She could have also had bad reactions from past partners when she told them this and she didn't want to jeopardise what you had. Then the longer she left it the harder it became to bring up.
There's also the third option that's she denying it ever happened, even to herself. Its a known coping mechanism. If that is the one she is using then it will eventually catch up with her. You can never outrun your past, as you're seeing now.
It's not right to lie for so long to someone you plan to spend your life with but in this case it is understandable. No one can understand how it feels to loose a child unless you have lost one yourself.
Be kind when you raise the issue. Don't allow any temper into the conversation and allow her to get it out as she needs to. Please don't force her to answer all your questions unless she is ok to do so.
Remember, It's Only Half About You
GiphyAm I just a distraction? Is this something she does?
This is extremely concerning to me. Why would you think this? You think this is about you? Is this something she does?? What, have a kid, that kid dies and then she has a horrible divorce? Yeah, I'm sure that's just "what she does". Jeez dude. I know you're shocked, but take a step back for a minute.
Think It Through
Okay, this is the sort of deception you can work through with help, given that we all understand that a loss of a child will, well, f-ck you up for lack of a better turn of phrase. I can understand wanting to lock that away from yourself, which it seems like she did.
Take the space you need to approach this rationally, since it seems like you haven't talked to her. From there, you can evaluate if this is workable or not.
Be Prepared For The End
GiphySome people go through something so traumatic that they need a restart in life.
Move to a new place, make new friends, make new love, and block out the past.
The death of a child definitely counts as one of these. She obviously does NOT want to think about this, or deal with it at the moment.
I'd be very careful on how you broach the subject with her. If you go after her angry or as a victim don't be surprised at being dropped. You need to get over your hurt feelings and think about this from her point of view.
[usernamedeleted]
Maybe Let It Go?
GiphyOn one hand I can see why your is steamed OP.
On the other I can see a mother who's life imploded in the worst possible way and likely has no desire to relive those event again in any way.
I'm a parent and I can't even comprehend what it would be like to lose my child. I can't even try and think of what that would feel like.
I wouldn't confront her about this. I would pass on the invitation, I would let her know that I would be willing to listen, and hold her, if she wants to share her past. I would also have a question, Will her past impact our future or is there anything we/you/me could do to help ensure it doesn't?
Some People Just Need To Run Away
Oh, man. What a situation.
You are probably not a distraction, and this is probably not "something she does." This is not okay, not by a long shot, but it could honestly be that she was hoping to just outrun the grief. To not have it be part of her anymore.
When you go through something awful, it's a lot easier, sometimes, to only be around people that don't know about it. Rudyard Kipling even wrote a poem that talks about this--the lines
There is knowledge God forbid / More than one should own
always suggested to me something that I learned as a teenager--sometimes when people know you've been through Hell, when they look at you, Hell is all they see. It holds you there. It makes it really hard to outgrow the horrors of the where-you've-been, when you can see it reflected in people's eyes.
So...from my perspective this was probably not an attempt at manipulation, but instead an attempt to just...not be that person anymore. Not be the grieving mother, not be the injured ex-wife, not be the divorcee whose marriage and relationship with family was shattered (even now, her ex-brother-in-law wants her company! That does not tell me that she is a bad person).
That does not, however, make it okay. Not when the two of you are talking about marriage. She should have told you when you started talking about rings and baby names, and you're not wrong to feel conflicted and maybe a bit angry and hurt about it. Stunned, absolutely.
My advice would be to sit her down and to tell her that her brother-in-law got in touch with you. Don't accuse, don't shout, don't get angry, just tell her that you were told to pass on a wedding invitation, and see how she responds to that. Be calm.
Does knowing that she has lived through this grief make you less likely to want to marry her? Does knowing that she bore and lost a child make you less likely to want to have children with her?
H/T: Reddit
It's definitely a good conversation starter. But while some people's professions are generally understood by the majority, there are other professions that entail more than what is outlined in a job description.
Hoping to be enlightened, Redditor memereda_vanwolf asked:
"What are facts about your job that general public has no idea about?"
There are simple solutions to seemingly complicated issues.
A Quick Fix
"I work in IT support. Legit about 80% of all problems are solved by rebooting the computer/terminal/phone."
"If not, 20 percent is pure detective work."
– Sarato88
Easy Wipe
"Radioactive contamination can often just be cleaned with Windex or even water."
– riphitter
Facts about these specific professions are truly eye-opening.
The Finest Detail
"I work at a large biotech/pharmaceutical manufacturing company. The drugs you take or buy from your local pharmacy are so insanely and meticulously regulated & inspected at every step of the journey - from petri dish to pharmacy shelf, that you could take a pill from a bottle and it can be traced back to the exact room it was made in, the exact equipment that was used, who was responsible for each step, and the time it was made down to the very second. Seriously, there is no misteps when it comes to GxP."
– StaircaseRailing
Corporate Allocation Of Funds
"Working for giant companies, it’s comical how many systems are raggedy messes of bare-bones functionality. All available money gets thrown at certain projects, leaving everything else to work on complete shoe-strings."
– DontWorryImADr
Legalities Of Being An Organ Donor
"I work in organ donation."
"The general public doesn’t understand literally any of it."
"One notable thing is that when you register to be an organ donor, it’s a legally binding declaration about your wishes after death. It is akin to a will under gift law."
– anonkraken
Full Transparency
"Anaesthetics- we only ask about your illicit drug use so we don’t kill you when we give you a general anaesthetic and that you have appropriate pain relief."
"You’ll have a tolerance that we need to counter by giving you a variety of drugs and more of them."
"No judgement from us on your choices - just want to actually take care of your properly."
– killingkirby
Dealing With The Deceased
"I was a licensed Cremationist for 8 years. Regardless how hard we tried, that wasn’t just grandma or grandpa in the urn…."
– X_5456
Never Assume You're Always Safe
"Ex-security guard here."
"We're not there to protect you. We're there to observe and report. Don't assume that just because whatever building you're working in has security that you're safe. Especially if security is of the unarmed variety."
– dragon_book_hoarder
Urgent Reminder
"That as a trucker, that space I left in front of me is so I don’t kill anybody, NOT your personal invitation to jump in front of my bumper because you forgot your exit or whatever reason. So many want to get in front of us and slow down and park in front my bumper."
"YSK: Don’t believe the billboards those ambulance chasing lawyers put up about big truck accidents mean big bucks. Only survivors get money, most likely not you. If you do survive, more than likely your quality of life is going to be miserable."
"Also YSK: these trucks can weigh up to 80,000 pounds, 34,000 pounds empty and around 20,000 pounds without the trailer. How does that compare to your SUV or even your lifted pickup. Do us all a favor and give us some space, leave us room so that you can live and go home to your family"
"One final thought, NEVER assume the other driver sees you."
– gfinchster
Some jobs have great perks.
These are sorely lacking in company benefits.
Trolling Hotlines
"Crisis hotline. Sometimes we get really disturbing prank calls. I always encourage people to call back if they are ever in crisis. A lot of times, they (the prank callers) do."
– fieldsofjade
First Things First
"When you call 911, please say your address before anything else. It doesn’t matter if someone is actively dying, say your address first. (I’m from a rural area so this might just be a problem where I’m from) but if you’re calling on a cell phone sometimes it can ping in a completely different spot then you are. If you call and don’t say where you are and we get disconnected, I might not have any clue where to send rescue/police/fire and therefore I cannot help you. Say your address (if you don’t know then please give like a cross street or notable location) first, then preferably your name, THEN tell me what’s going on."
"A lot of people assume that we automatically have a precise location where they’re at, and the systems can be pretty accurate but you can’t always rely on them. If you say the address and we get disconnected I can at least send someone to the area to figure out what needs to be done."
"(Source: I am a 911 dispatcher and I have so many people scream at me for not automatically knowing their location)"
– imscaledandicy
Respect Your Masseuse
"I'm a massage therapist. I don't care if you didn't shave. But please wash your feet."
– Odd_Improvement578
I usually have interesting conversations with Uber or Lyft drivers as a passenger.
They've disclosed the questionable policies of the companies they respectively work for and divulged traffic tips and what routes are best to take to get to certain destinations.
But what captivated me most were the stories about the passengers they've picked up.
Without going into detail, riders can be absolutely deplorable and inconsiderate.
One anecdote made me very anxious about sitting in the back seat and made me checking for stains.
Some on-the-job facts are better left a mystery. So, you're welcome for me sparing you the disgusting details.
I wasn't allowed to cross the street without my. other's permission. It was weird. But now that I drive... I get it.
Alone
Lonely Bucks Bango GIF by Milwaukee BucksGiphy"I was only allow to go to school and come back home, my parents never allowed me to hangout with friends after school or on the weekends."
limsasi
Friends
"I could totally see my friends, but effectively wasn't allowed to make any. I was homeschooled so I didn’t have any, and church wasn’t really anyone under 50, so I just never had any communication with anyone who wasn’t an adult until college. This vastly set me back along with my siblings and I didn’t go on my first date until 23."
AzureBluet
Make it Quick
"My parents expected me to call them and ask for permission to go out at night (which in their minds was after dinner and included movies) throughout college. And furthermore I had to use a calling card with limited minutes because my college was long-distance from them."
"My goal was to end the call quickly which usually meant acquiescing to their rigid rules and staying in. Took me entirely too long to realize that they were in fact half a day's drive away, so I could do what I wished without always checking in."
Crazycatlover
I am Meek
"Not being allowed up in my room during the day. (It was okay to go up there once it got close to bedtime, but it was hit or miss... I could never quite figure out the exact time it became acceptable.) My mom would always yell for me to come back downstairs if I disappeared up to my room for more than five or ten minutes at a time. And a related rule: not being allowed to shut my bedroom door, except briefly when dressing."
"For context, I was an introverted girl who loved to read, and I just preferred the peace and quiet of my room. Also, I was a very meek child who never got into trouble, so those rules weren't made because of any misbehaviour on my part. It seemed absurd to me then, and still seems absurd to me now."
Avendaishar
Who?
he's cute tv land GIF by YoungerTVGiphy"It wasn’t a rule but, when I was 13, my mom overheard me telling some friends a guy on TV was cute. She made me feel so ashamed that, to this day, I’m reluctant to actually point out a cute guy to friends or voice my appreciation when they do it. It’s awkward."
Brunonononoooo
Wow and I thought I had it bad because I wanted more allowance.
Less Words
Argue Donald Trump GIF by Wave.videoGiphy"I do high level debate in high school, so in every argument we had, I wasn't allowed to use it because it was too insulting to them or something. Very many arguments were had in form of screaming and cussing at each other."
Vivid_Fan_3150
In the Middle...
"As the middle kid, I had a lot more rules compared to my siblings. My older brother moved out of my dads house so it was me and my little brother, who was spoiled rotten. I wasn't allowed to go to bed until my little brother said I could. He was allowed to hit me as much as he wanted. Keep in mind, I'm a female, now 18. He is four years younger."
"I moved out when I was 17. Also, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted and I had to do his chores and mine in under an hour. My chores were the dishes, taking the dog out, sweeping, mopping, steam mopping, vacuuming, laundry, and bathrooms. We lived in a 4 bed, 3.5 bathroom house. It also had a basement that my dad used for his man cave. My brothers chores were to clean his room, and take the trash out."
"I did all of his chores everyday and mine and it took me from 6 AM (I also wasn't allowed to sleep in but he could) until 3 or 4 PM. And I was doing online school. I failed school and was told I was only good as a servant. I was also getting abused but I moved out and now my fiancé helps me get over the trauma."
kyliesolis
2 years later...
"When I went to boarding school, if I gained even 0.1kg of weight, I would have all electronics, which included my phone, tablet and laptop, taken away from me until 2 years later when my parents said I could have them back. I wasn't allowed to leave the school grounds unless I had their permission. I didn't give a f**k what they said and still left the school on weekends, but the farthest I went was the little co op 50 meters from the school because that's all I ever wanted to go to."
marvel_is_wow
I Feel for Her
"I’d say I have some of the least strict parents and it’s made me realize the insane things my friend’s parents do. I have a friend from a hispanic household, she’s not allowed to wear makeup, and must get permission to go out. This wouldn’t be weird if she wasn’t literally 20, with a driver’s license, car, and 2 sources of income including the military. They don’t let her move out. She’s being deployed to Kuwait indefinitely and I haven’t gotten to see her once before she leaves."
jesikau
Hydrate
Johnny Depp Drinking GIFGiphy"My siblings and I couldn't drink anything during our meal. If we wanted anything to drink, we had to have it before we ate, and couldn't touch it again until our plate was clear."
Arken8270
In a Small Town
"cracks knuckles... my time to shine. I had a 7:00 curfew until I was 18 (then it only moved to 10). I live in a very small town, the kind that Walmart is considered a date, and my parents were mad I went across city lines for the movies when I was 18. I could only go out (meaning anytime I left the house including family events) twice a month. I had to turn my phone in at 9 until I was 16."
Winter_baby_22
Face Reads
"I have the male equivalent of 'resting *itch face.' So I was forced to smile and s**t, otherwise I got in trouble for 'making a look."
iBelieveInSpace
It's amazing some people still grow up sane.
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Zombies, blood-suckers, knife-wielding maniacs, anyone? That's a hard "nope" from many audiences who prefer laughing at Will Ferrell movies or shedding a tear from triumphant classics like Rudy rather than shrinking in their seats and bracing themselves for the next jump-scare.
But sometimes, movies that aren't marketed as horror films should really get a re-evaluation because there are moments in the film that may unintentionally creep the bejesus out of certain audiences.
Curious to hear examples of these, Redditor bellathehellgirl asked:
"What movie scares the hell outta you that isn’t a horror movie at all?"
These Redditors were not prepared for what was in store for them.
It Starts Off As Fun & Games
"Jumanji. As a kid I used to have nightmares about those monkeys chasing me."
– 4thDimensionFletcher
Creepy Muppets
"The Dark Crystal"
"WHAT THE F'K IS THAT THING"
– Poorly-Drawn-Beagle
Not The Oz We Remember
"Return to Oz. Saw it when I was 5. Had nightmares about the wheelers for years."
– WestCoastWaster
Everyone loves a Disney classic.
However, these Redditors found certain parts of the films every kid grew up loving to be absolutely terrifying.
The Wooden Boy's Trauma
"Ever watched Pinocchio as an adult?"
"That is effed up."
"The scene with the boy turning into a donkey and losing his s*t over it is downright traumatic and not the kind of body horror one expects from a kids film!"
– maxcraigwell
The Lost Girl
"The original Alice in wonderland. It terrified me as a kid that she couldn’t find her way home, nobody was really helping her, she was just stuck."
– kclark2293
Everyone's Mad
"Definitely this. Not only that she's lost but that she's in a world so alien yet familiar. The kind of place where if you were stuck there your whole life you might go mad if you manage to acclimate at all. Lost forever in an alternate world with inhabitants that are so outlandish you can't tell if there really is some structure to what they do and how they think or if they really are all just mad in the head."
– maico3010
Well, It Is A Roald Dahl Book
"James and the Giant Peach. F'k that whole movie."
– mcc22920
Even dramatic films involve conflicts that may be too intense for some viewers.
Too Much Stinging
"My Girl when Macaulay Culkin gets stung to death by bees. Childhood me was scared of bees for quite a while."
– [deleted]
Blurring The Lines Of Reality
"There's a movie I remember seeing with Britney Murphy where she dropped off her husband for a medical procedure and came back to pick him up only to find out he never existed or something and was made to believe she was hallucinating the entire relationship etc.."
"The thought of learning that anything in my life is a hallucination, is terrifying to me."
"Another one I can remember was Premonition with Sandra bullock. The movie itself wasn't the greatest, but the plotline is terrifying."
– travelingpug
These were marketed as comedy. Yet, who was laughing the entire time?
Who You Gonna Call?
"I was very young when I first saw the original Ghostbusters."
"I was NOT expecting the library ghost to do that!!!"
– axeman020
Scary Satire
"I know it was meant to be a comedy and all, but Mars Attacks. Call it deep-seated child trauma from seeing it when I was too young. Watching people get disintegrated into piles of bones gave me nightmares for weeks."
– xSapphirya
I remember seeing David Lynch's Elephant Man as a kid and being traumatized after seeing the disfigured face of John Merrick.
It's supposed to be a drama that should elicit sympathy and compassion after seeing the main character being exploited and paraded around by a Victorian freak show.
But for this young viewer, the critically-acclaimed film was nothing but a traumatic moviegoing event.
What movie forever unintentionally traumatized you?