But why be racist, when you could just not be racist? Sadly, the country doesn't seem to grasp that ideal tradeoff. We have a tragedy on our hands. u/Allentow laid it out for us:
My (23m) girlfriend (20f) of 2 years broke up with me because she didn't "see herself with a black guy long term." I'm so messed up over this and can't get my stuff together. What can I do here?
Obviously i'm black, GF is white. We met in college and I've since graduated and have a really good job. I was with my GF for just over 2 years.
Over the past few weeks she's been acting strange and finally this weekend she broke up with me. To me it came out of the blue because on labor day I took her on a vacation to Florida and I don't remember the exact words but she told me something like "I want to do stuff like this with you forever."
So she broke up with me Sunday. I did my best to just chill and get over it but I broke down early this morning and called her and asked her what the hell was really going on. She said she didn't want to tell me so I kept pressing her and finally she said "the truth is I love you so much but I never saw myself with a black guy long term." This was devastating because I can work on other sh*t, but I can't change who I am.
I still love her so much it f*cking hurts and my heart is literally breaking and I've called into work the last two days and missed two huge commissions, now my boss is threatening to write me up and that could mean getting fired.
This sh*t is ruining my life.
What can I do about this? Is there any way to convince her that her thinking is racist and she's wrong and that we can be together?
Here was some of the advice he got.
One
You probably won't believe this now, but this is a fantastic turn of events.
You're a young man, lots of life and potential partners out there who aren't just f---ing around with you like some taboo fling.
One day you will be with a woman who accepts you as you and you will smile thinking about the bullet you dodged.
Two
These are things i should have done before to hasten the moving on process:
- Exercise - like regularly going to the gym. Even if your mind and body doesn't want to. Even if your mind is telling me to stay in bed and get wallowed in to the sadness you feel. Go to the gym!
- Make a list of all the things you don't like about her or the moments where she didn't treat you right - your mind is your worst enemy now. You're going through changes that your mind have not coped yet. It's like being addicted to something then you suddenly stop and going through withdrawals. You'll relive your "happy" memories in your mind just to have its fix. Recognize these moments and read through your list.
- Occupy your mind - study more or get a job. The less your mind gets to wonder, the better.
Three
If she's that narrow minded she can't see past skin color, there's nothing you can do but honestly, do you want somebody who is like that in your life? Go to work, see your friends, pick up hobbies, try not to think about her. That's all you can do and you'll meet a girl who doesn't think twice about your skin color and is in love with everything underneath it. I really feel for you.
Four
I'm going to be a little blunt here. I'm a parent and this is what I would say to my own son if this happened to him.
Relationships can be very messy and complicated at times. You still have to live your life. Sitting home and breaking down isn't going to help you. Work will actually be a good distraction for you. Keeping busy will be good for you right now. Please do not miss any more work over this or get fired. That would just make your life so much worse.
You cannot ever really convince ANYONE to be with you. If this is how she feels deep down, thank goodness she told you so that you can see what kind of person she is, and move on with your life. You should NEVER try to convince someone to be with you.
If she never meant to be with you long term, she could have stated that up front, but obviously never did - for 2 years. You obviously love each other, but what she told you would be pretty unacceptable to me going forward. How would you ever honestly trust her intentions again??
Breakups can hurt very badly, but you are clearly an adult and need to handle it like one. That means, mourn the relationship but continue your life in as positive a way as you can muster. Get up every day, go to work, and try to keep yourself healthy and active.
Five
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. As a white woman dating a black man, this really hits home. I've been in a situation where a black guy I was dating didn't want to be serious with me because he thought his black friends would judge him for dating a white woman. That sh*t hurt deep and on a tremendous personal level.
My current partner (black) sure does get looks for dating a white woman and the occasional comment. And so do I, but reversed...But... race has never been an issue between us. Racism doesn't belong in a relationship... hell... it doesn't belong ever!
Don't try to convince her that the reason for breaking up with you are racist. She knows... because she IS racist. Why would you want to date someone who is racist? Racism comes in different levels and dosages. From crazy aggressive outward attacks to subtle micro aggression that can fly under the radar for a while.
Again, I'm so sorry for you to be in this position. She rejected you not for who you are, but for what you are. You will never be able to change this. It is out of your control. Nor should you ever need or want to change what and who you are. And certainly not for her.
Stay proud of your heritage, culture and reflection in the mirror. You are beautiful and an amazing person to date. This is totally her loss. Don't try to get back with her... and deep down you know that ultimately you don't want to date a racist. Keep your head up my friend!
Six
At that young age, it would have been rare that any thing long term would have developed.
Maybe she got freaked out about thinking about "long term" because she is 20 years old, not even old enough to drink and she is has to think about the rest of her life?
Yeah, I'm black too and Ive been with women who love me then leave me because a interracial relationship does come with some bullsh*t from other people. I was really hurt by it too, but then I saw that relationships end for many different reasons. The only thing they have in common is the hurt of a lover of the past.
Don't sweat the racial component of the relationship, you can't change that and she wasn't going to be able to hang with it long term. Better now than a divorce 5-7 years from now.
And don't let this color your future relationships, this was her problem, your next GF doesn't deserve to be punished for her mistakes.
Seven
Bruh. She ain't the one. I can only imagine the hurt you feel. But day by day, little by little, you will get over it. Thankfully you didn't have kids or anything else to permanently tie you. Even if her reason is not the truth the only thing that matters is she doesn't want you long term. So in the meantime take time to yourself. Enjoy time with family and friends. Don't rush to replace her. Grieve the relationship. Mourn for the person you thought she was. Enjoy the little things in life. Eventually you will wake up one day and not have a thought of her. And you will smile. Best wishes.
Eight
From one black man to another (I'm in my late 30s), what I'm about to say is going to sound rough, but it's true.
You're 23. You've spent your entire life thus far going to school and college, where all your fellow peers are constantly being told to treat people fairly and kindly. Now that you've finished college and entered the work force, what happened to you is the start of the "real world." It's going to be a shock.
Life is only going to get tougher from here.
When you apply for an apartment, but there's 10 other people who are also interested, most of them white maybe an asian person, who do you think the manager will rent it to? Be honest.
When you go to a job interview, and they have 5 other equally qualified candidates who are white, you are at the bottom of their choices no matter how impressive your resume is. They'll find any reason to not hire you even if you're the best possible person for the job.
This is only the beginning of a massive sh*t storm that's going to last until the day you die. So you have to develop a tougher skin than this.
I was also in a relationship with a white woman, and I think she genuinely loved me too, but she was under a lot of pressure, and my ethnicity was too much of a liability to her. She was worried about what her parents would say, how her family would react, and what her co-workers and friends might think of her. She didn't leave me because she was just a dumb a** racist who wanted a fling with a Black guy but had zero genuine feelings about me. No, not her. She was beautiful and had a kind heart. However, she couldn't handle the potential stigma that the rest of society and her family would assign her. THAT'S WHEN IT HURTS THE MOST. But yes, I know what it's like to be dumped by a loved one because I am Black. I am not mad at her. I still love her and still think about the years we were together. I hope she is safe, happy, and has what she wants in life. Maybe one day, in the future decades from now, she will be in contact with me again.
Being angry... or hating white people, or hating yourself for being Black, or hating how society is so f---ing racist... is really not going to help. It will consume you. Just like how you see all the poor white people who live in trailers and bitterly blame Black people for all their life's problems, etc... That's what racism turns people into. Don't let it do that to you.
Break ups suck, especially yours. Hold your head up, soldier through this, and be prepared because it's probably going to happen again. And again. And again. Even if you date a Black woman, it can still happen, and THAT would be so bad it takes racism to a whole new level. But there are people out there who will treat you fairly and give you a chance. You will notice them eventually. Keep those people in mind, not the racist sh*theads.
Nine
It is really up to her to think over and deal with - likely that no external intervention will change her feelings. Too bad she didn't signal you earlier.
To me this stuff is often linked to geography. Through the years I (white guy) have had serious relations with two Black women - very little static but most of that coming from Black guys when we would go out to eat or whatever. But we lived where mixed race couples were very common. The ladies and their families were fine with me. I ended up married to an Asian which in some places can be weird. In Hawaii for example it seems most everyone is coupled with a different race person. But in the US South I got stupid stuff like "oh - so you're screwing the maid?"
Point being that maybe a geographic change would help her, but from your post it seems too late for any adjustment. I hope that you can use it as a tough lesson learned if you fail to resurrect it. Check people out early in relationships to be sure that you can proceed "on the same page."
Ten
Give yourself the rest of the day to mourn your relationship and the future you imagined. When you go to bed tonight though you are done just mourning. Sunday when you wake up you are now moving on. Clean your house, go hang out with friends, whatever chores, errands or fun stuff that needs to be done - it doesn't matter how you feel do it anyway.
Monday you go to work. Again it does not matter how you feel. Put on your work face and get sh*t done. If you need to cry it can be done after work.
You're only allowed to fall apart at home after work and everything else is checked off the to-do list. You will get through this. You will have a great life. You can do this.
