Guy Devastated After Racist GF Dumps Him, "Can't See Herself With Black Guy Longterm"
But why be racist, when you could just not be racist? Sadly, the country doesn't seem to grasp that ideal tradeoff. We have a tragedy on our hands. u/Allentow laid it out for us:
My (23m) girlfriend (20f) of 2 years broke up with me because she didn't "see herself with a black guy long term." I'm so messed up over this and can't get my stuff together. What can I do here?
Obviously i'm black, GF is white. We met in college and I've since graduated and have a really good job. I was with my GF for just over 2 years.
Over the past few weeks she's been acting strange and finally this weekend she broke up with me. To me it came out of the blue because on labor day I took her on a vacation to Florida and I don't remember the exact words but she told me something like "I want to do stuff like this with you forever."
So she broke up with me Sunday. I did my best to just chill and get over it but I broke down early this morning and called her and asked her what the hell was really going on. She said she didn't want to tell me so I kept pressing her and finally she said "the truth is I love you so much but I never saw myself with a black guy long term." This was devastating because I can work on other sh*t, but I can't change who I am.
I still love her so much it f*cking hurts and my heart is literally breaking and I've called into work the last two days and missed two huge commissions, now my boss is threatening to write me up and that could mean getting fired.
This sh*t is ruining my life.
What can I do about this? Is there any way to convince her that her thinking is racist and she's wrong and that we can be together?
Here was some of the advice he got.
You probably won't believe this now, but this is a fantastic turn of events.
You're a young man, lots of life and potential partners out there who aren't just f---ing around with you like some taboo fling.
One day you will be with a woman who accepts you as you and you will smile thinking about the bullet you dodged.
These are things i should have done before to hasten the moving on process:
- Exercise - like regularly going to the gym. Even if your mind and body doesn't want to. Even if your mind is telling me to stay in bed and get wallowed in to the sadness you feel. Go to the gym!
- Make a list of all the things you don't like about her or the moments where she didn't treat you right - your mind is your worst enemy now. You're going through changes that your mind have not coped yet. It's like being addicted to something then you suddenly stop and going through withdrawals. You'll relive your "happy" memories in your mind just to have its fix. Recognize these moments and read through your list.
- Occupy your mind - study more or get a job. The less your mind gets to wonder, the better.
If she's that narrow minded she can't see past skin color, there's nothing you can do but honestly, do you want somebody who is like that in your life? Go to work, see your friends, pick up hobbies, try not to think about her. That's all you can do and you'll meet a girl who doesn't think twice about your skin color and is in love with everything underneath it. I really feel for you.
I'm going to be a little blunt here. I'm a parent and this is what I would say to my own son if this happened to him.
Relationships can be very messy and complicated at times. You still have to live your life. Sitting home and breaking down isn't going to help you. Work will actually be a good distraction for you. Keeping busy will be good for you right now. Please do not miss any more work over this or get fired. That would just make your life so much worse.
You cannot ever really convince ANYONE to be with you. If this is how she feels deep down, thank goodness she told you so that you can see what kind of person she is, and move on with your life. You should NEVER try to convince someone to be with you.
If she never meant to be with you long term, she could have stated that up front, but obviously never did - for 2 years. You obviously love each other, but what she told you would be pretty unacceptable to me going forward. How would you ever honestly trust her intentions again??
Breakups can hurt very badly, but you are clearly an adult and need to handle it like one. That means, mourn the relationship but continue your life in as positive a way as you can muster. Get up every day, go to work, and try to keep yourself healthy and active.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. As a white woman dating a black man, this really hits home. I've been in a situation where a black guy I was dating didn't want to be serious with me because he thought his black friends would judge him for dating a white woman. That sh*t hurt deep and on a tremendous personal level.
My current partner (black) sure does get looks for dating a white woman and the occasional comment. And so do I, but reversed...But... race has never been an issue between us. Racism doesn't belong in a relationship... hell... it doesn't belong ever!
Don't try to convince her that the reason for breaking up with you are racist. She knows... because she IS racist. Why would you want to date someone who is racist? Racism comes in different levels and dosages. From crazy aggressive outward attacks to subtle micro aggression that can fly under the radar for a while.
Again, I'm so sorry for you to be in this position. She rejected you not for who you are, but for what you are. You will never be able to change this. It is out of your control. Nor should you ever need or want to change what and who you are. And certainly not for her.
Stay proud of your heritage, culture and reflection in the mirror. You are beautiful and an amazing person to date. This is totally her loss. Don't try to get back with her... and deep down you know that ultimately you don't want to date a racist. Keep your head up my friend!
At that young age, it would have been rare that any thing long term would have developed.
Maybe she got freaked out about thinking about "long term" because she is 20 years old, not even old enough to drink and she is has to think about the rest of her life?
Yeah, I'm black too and Ive been with women who love me then leave me because a interracial relationship does come with some bullsh*t from other people. I was really hurt by it too, but then I saw that relationships end for many different reasons. The only thing they have in common is the hurt of a lover of the past.
Don't sweat the racial component of the relationship, you can't change that and she wasn't going to be able to hang with it long term. Better now than a divorce 5-7 years from now.
And don't let this color your future relationships, this was her problem, your next GF doesn't deserve to be punished for her mistakes.
Bruh. She ain't the one. I can only imagine the hurt you feel. But day by day, little by little, you will get over it. Thankfully you didn't have kids or anything else to permanently tie you. Even if her reason is not the truth the only thing that matters is she doesn't want you long term. So in the meantime take time to yourself. Enjoy time with family and friends. Don't rush to replace her. Grieve the relationship. Mourn for the person you thought she was. Enjoy the little things in life. Eventually you will wake up one day and not have a thought of her. And you will smile. Best wishes.
From one black man to another (I'm in my late 30s), what I'm about to say is going to sound rough, but it's true.
You're 23. You've spent your entire life thus far going to school and college, where all your fellow peers are constantly being told to treat people fairly and kindly. Now that you've finished college and entered the work force, what happened to you is the start of the "real world." It's going to be a shock.
Life is only going to get tougher from here.
When you apply for an apartment, but there's 10 other people who are also interested, most of them white maybe an asian person, who do you think the manager will rent it to? Be honest.
When you go to a job interview, and they have 5 other equally qualified candidates who are white, you are at the bottom of their choices no matter how impressive your resume is. They'll find any reason to not hire you even if you're the best possible person for the job.
This is only the beginning of a massive sh*t storm that's going to last until the day you die. So you have to develop a tougher skin than this.
I was also in a relationship with a white woman, and I think she genuinely loved me too, but she was under a lot of pressure, and my ethnicity was too much of a liability to her. She was worried about what her parents would say, how her family would react, and what her co-workers and friends might think of her. She didn't leave me because she was just a dumb a** racist who wanted a fling with a Black guy but had zero genuine feelings about me. No, not her. She was beautiful and had a kind heart. However, she couldn't handle the potential stigma that the rest of society and her family would assign her. THAT'S WHEN IT HURTS THE MOST. But yes, I know what it's like to be dumped by a loved one because I am Black. I am not mad at her. I still love her and still think about the years we were together. I hope she is safe, happy, and has what she wants in life. Maybe one day, in the future decades from now, she will be in contact with me again.
Being angry... or hating white people, or hating yourself for being Black, or hating how society is so f---ing racist... is really not going to help. It will consume you. Just like how you see all the poor white people who live in trailers and bitterly blame Black people for all their life's problems, etc... That's what racism turns people into. Don't let it do that to you.
Break ups suck, especially yours. Hold your head up, soldier through this, and be prepared because it's probably going to happen again. And again. And again. Even if you date a Black woman, it can still happen, and THAT would be so bad it takes racism to a whole new level. But there are people out there who will treat you fairly and give you a chance. You will notice them eventually. Keep those people in mind, not the racist sh*theads.
It is really up to her to think over and deal with - likely that no external intervention will change her feelings. Too bad she didn't signal you earlier.
To me this stuff is often linked to geography. Through the years I (white guy) have had serious relations with two Black women - very little static but most of that coming from Black guys when we would go out to eat or whatever. But we lived where mixed race couples were very common. The ladies and their families were fine with me. I ended up married to an Asian which in some places can be weird. In Hawaii for example it seems most everyone is coupled with a different race person. But in the US South I got stupid stuff like "oh - so you're screwing the maid?"
Point being that maybe a geographic change would help her, but from your post it seems too late for any adjustment. I hope that you can use it as a tough lesson learned if you fail to resurrect it. Check people out early in relationships to be sure that you can proceed "on the same page."
Give yourself the rest of the day to mourn your relationship and the future you imagined. When you go to bed tonight though you are done just mourning. Sunday when you wake up you are now moving on. Clean your house, go hang out with friends, whatever chores, errands or fun stuff that needs to be done - it doesn't matter how you feel do it anyway.
Monday you go to work. Again it does not matter how you feel. Put on your work face and get sh*t done. If you need to cry it can be done after work.
You're only allowed to fall apart at home after work and everything else is checked off the to-do list. You will get through this. You will have a great life. You can do this.
Everyone has insecurities.
Be it speaking in public, wearing beach attire, or even one's profession, very few people don't have at least one topic of conversation that is bound to make them red in the face.
Some people are pretty adept at hiding their discomfort and can manage to persevere through their phobias with their dignity intact.
Others are not so lucky and often go to great lengths to hide their insecurities, only to make them even more apparent.
"What screams 'I’m insecure'?"
The Wisest People Are Those Always Willing To Learn
"When people are unable to admit that they don’t know something."- slimytoadsnot listening no way GIFGiphy
Other People's Success Are Not Your Failures
"Mocking someone else's achievement."- SuvenPan
Never Pick Yourself Up By Taking Others Down
"Belittling others."- Term-Haunting
"Always talking badly about others and trying to make them look weak/bad."- PildithThe Simpsons GIF by MOODMANGiphy
Maybe Honesty Isn't Always The Best Policy...
"When you're quick to be 'brutally honest' with others, but have a meltdown when someone does it back to you."-eF240uKX52hp
Not As Funny As They Think...
"People who tear other people down as a joke but then get mad when they get it handed back to them."
"Clearly they either aren’t joking or are too sensitive to be dishing out sh*t."- babythrottlepop
Being On Top Adds More Possibilities Of Falling Down...
"Trying to one-up people in every conversation."- Flanky_Bwai
"One upping people in conversation."
"If I tell you I had a great trip to X place, I don’t need to hear about your better trip to someplace else that’s ostensibly 'better'."- I_Am_The_Grapevinekristen wiig television GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy
Some Things Speak For Themselves...
"Constantly saying what kind of person you are."
"If you were, you wouldn’t have to tell us."- ubereddit
A Little Contrition Goes A Long Way...
"Making excuses and even twisting the facts but never apologize."- SuvenPan
But Enough About Me, What Do You Think Of Me?
"Constant projection and self-serving compliments."- nhabzLook At Me Kiki GIF by The Bachelor AustraliaGiphy
What Are They Even Trying To Prove?
"Revving your vehicle loudly every time you pass another person."- msnmck
Superior By Association
“'You will address me by my husband’s rank!'”- Psychological-Stay16
"Elaborate Instagram and Facebook posts declaring love for one’s significant other over and over and over."- jbmaunHappy Married At First Sight GIF by LifetimeGiphy
Always Needing Validation
"People who can’t think or feel anything without being told that it’s okay to do so."- Diesel07012012
It's sad that so many people think the only way to overcome something which makes them embarrassed or afraid is by embarrassing or demeaning others.
When being open and honest about your insecurities might, instead, result in your finding common ground with others.
And making new, lifelong friends in the process.
People Confess Which Things From Their Childhood They Thought Were Normal Until They Were An Adult
Every family has customs or traditions which are unique to them.
Be it all gathering together to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol every Christmas eve or an annual fried chicken picnic with dark and stormies every fourth of July. They are well aware not everyone does this, which makes it all the more special.
However, depending on the way it was introduced to them, some children are raised to think certain customs or habits done by their family are, indeed, normal.
Only to grow up and realize that theirs might have been the only family in the world which partook in them.
In some cases, this discovery is met with laughs and maybe the tiniest bit of embarrassment.
Other times, it's no laughing matter.
"What's something about your childhood that you thought was normal at the time but realiszd as an adult that it wasn't?"
Seemed Like A Good Idea, Until You Read Why...
"Having a cooler in the car."
"My parents always packed one, there were cokes and waters in it."
"The weird part was there was also always beer in it."
"Didn't matter if we were going 12 hours or 1 hour, they packed a cooler."
"Didn't realize how much my mom was drinking until years later when she become a non-functioning alcoholic."- IslandsOnTheCoast·
Dad Of The Year!
"When i was a kid I thought that all the Korean candy stores were free."
"Like you could go in, take what you wanted and leave."
"I would make friends with other Korean kids, take them to my favorite candy stores and tell them to help themselves. which they did."
"So apparently, whenever we'd visit my family in Korea, my dad would talk to all the candy shop owners in the neighborhood and tell them to put anything me or my friends took, on a tab."
"Maybe it was because i barely even spoke korean, but that whole situation just seemed perfectly f*ckin normal to my oblivious little self."- yaybunz
Boundaries Exist For A Reason
"In hind sight I realize that what I thought was 'freedom' was actually neglect."
"Kids aren't supposed to be left to themselves in such a degree that they end up raising themselves."
"From personal experience doing so leads to a lot of misunderstandings on how things are supposed to be."- Hattkake·
A Little Sensitivity Does Go A Long Way
"Being really sensitive to people's emotions because you never know if they could be in a bad mood."
"Turns out I learned that from my dad to make sure I don't make it worse."- UpstairsDifficult966
Think Carefully If You Have What It Takes To Be A Parent...
"Parents aren't supposed to make fun of their kids, complain about what they have to do for their children, and break down when they don't feel validated by their own child."- Doobledorf
"My mom never cooked, and there would be a lot of nights where I went without food because she didn't buy any."
"I thought it was normal for a mom to sleep the majority of the day."
"In reality she was always f*cked up on painkillers."
"Then, with my grandmother, she was controlling over whatever clothes, shoes, and how my hair looked."
"I always had to look like a good Christian boy."- Additional-Soup3853
"I was in college before I learned that you don't have to get your mother a gift for your birthday because 'she's the one that did all the work that day'."- lylertila
Kind Of Sad To Think Self-Sufficiency Is So Rare...
"Being able to fix things myself."
"My dad is an engineer and throughout my childhood we'd come up with random creative projects to build stuff, he'd show me how to fix things and what safety precautions to look out for."
"Now if something happens at my flat I know how to fix it (or I call my dad and he'll guide me)."
"My boyfriend and friends have no idea how I know this stuff or how to do these things themselves, I always thank my Dad!"
"It's great because I get to save a lot of money, and I've saved money for my friends too!"
"Also, it means a lot to me because at the time and the town I was in girls weren't encouraged to do engineering, but my dad didn't care."
'I was little girl and thought it was essential for me to know how to do these things myself."
'I think he also hoped I'd one day become an engineer!"- imhere2913
Sadly, Not As Common As You Thiink...
"My parents were happily married and our home was happy and loving."- IllChampionship5
"Actually liking your parents/siblings/family."
"Almost everyone I know can't stand the people they grew up with, which I find strange."- ThatDukeGuy
Making A Custom Even More Meaningful
"Every Christmas my parents would buy me and my siblings one Christmas ornament to decorate the tree, which typically highlighted a special event or something important or a topic we were highly interested in that year."
"The tree started off rather bare at first, but after five kids and twenty-five years, that thing was filled from top to bottom, and shows a history of our lives."
"I thought it was how everyone decorated family home Christmas trees for awhile, but apparently it’s pretty unique to us."- RummelNation
Leading To A Massive Vocabulary No Doubt...
"Having a room full of dictionaries."
"I was baffled when I met kids in secondary school (as an adult doing a teacher training course at the time) who didn't even understand the basics of how to use one in their own language, let alone a two-language one."
"My dad was a translator so growing up it was just a normal thing, and I would sometimes just take one and look up random words in different languages for fun."- MrLuxarina
Unbelievable That This Isn't Normal
"Being taught to care about everybody, regardless of race, religion, or politics."
"We were lower middle-class farmers and we played with everyone."
"Everybody was welcome in my parents home."
"We had a ginormous garden and my parents gave our neighbors food out of it."
"My parents taught if you give out love, it’s returned 10 fold."
"Needless to say that bit us in the butt some times."
"But my parents died living and believing that."- SCGranny64
Not Exactly Normal, But Far too Commonplace
"When it would rain we would put pots and pans down to catch the drips."
'I would be sent to go have a slumber party with cousins whenever the electricity would get cut off due to nonpayment."
"I thought it was commonplace for people to go thru stuff like that."- RacksDiciprine
Ultimately, everyone's childhood is unique.
Many are grateful to learn just how unusual or special their childhood is.
For others, the discovery proves to be far too little too late.
Do you have something to add? Let us know in the comments.
People Share The All-Time Funniest Examples Of Misheard Lyrics They've Ever Heard
It might be super easy to find the lyrics to a song now that we've all got the entirety of the internet in our pockets, but it didn't used to be so simple. Unless you owned the album, and it was one that actually came with the lyrics on the sleeve/in the case, you just kind of had to guess if the words were unclear.
This led to some extremely amusing, and sometimes mortifyingly embarrassing, misheard lyrics.
Redditor 23andrewb asked:
"What's the your favorite example of misheard lyrics?"
"Jimi Hendix Purple Haze: ''scuse me while I kiss this guy'"
"Roommate back in the day, who would have been about 18 in 1970, told me that Hendrix was aware of the alternate interpretation, and he would gesture at Noel Redding and say ''scuse me while I kiss this guy.'"
Bad Moon Rising
"CCR - bad mood rising 'There's a bathroom on the right.'"
"That's what I thought as a kid. Still say it now because it's funny."
What A Wonderful World
"I see skies of blue And clouds of white The bright blessed day The dogs say goodnight"
"I woke up my dog laughing at this one."
"Did the dog say good night?"
Why Is Everyone Singing About Lorain?
"I want to know, have you ever seen Lorain."
"I can see Clearly now, Lorain is gone!"
"And I wonder, still I wonder. Who'll stop Lorain."
"I can't stand Lorain, on my window..."
"As a child I used to sing 'I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone' and always wondered what poor Lorraine did that was so bad."
Gimme The Beach Boys
"Give me The Beach Boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your Rock and Roll…"
"Wait that’s not the actual lyric?"
"Hahah. Nope! Beat Boys"
Moves Like Jagger
"'remove my jacket' Instead of 'moves like jagger' Boy I felt dumb."
"Moobs like Jagger."
"I’ve got the moose vagina! I got that moose vagina! I got that moOose vagina"
"I guess it rains down in Africa?"
"I’m still somewhat embarrassed to say that I thought it was 'god bless the maids down in Africa'. Thought it was some sort of weird political statement."
"I wept the drains down in aaafrica isn't right then?"
"I always heard it as 'I miss the rains down in Africa' and thought that sounded so lovely and melancholic. I was so disappointed by the real lyric lmao"
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
"Hit me with a wet sock, FIRE AWAY!!!!!"
"Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am i to disagree"
"Can't argue that!"
Applause ... or Applesauce?
"When I was 14 my dad was driving me to my boyfriends house. On the way over “Applause” by Lady Gaga came on & my dad sang 'I live for the applesauce applesauce applesauce.' I busted out laughing and mocking him."
"Laughed so hard he turned the car around and took me home."
"Regulate - Nate Dogg + Warren G. "I can't believe, they're taking Lawrence Welk".
"I used to hear this song and wonder 'Why is a smooth Gangsta like Warren G listening to Lawrence Welk, and why are these thugs stealing his Lawrence Welk records specifically?'"
"Then someone corrected me. 'They're taking Warren's wealth.'"
Here I Go Again
"Song: "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. Lyric: 'Like a drifter I was born to wear cologne'"
"My favorite misheard lyric is 'Hold me closer, Tony Danza' instead of 'Hold me closer, tiny dancer' by Elton John."
"Count the head lice on the highway."
Reelin' In The Years
"Steely Dan, instead of 'Are you reelin' in the years?', got 'Are you really into yeast?'"
"I always heard 'reelin' in the East' but like your version better, lol"
You Oughta Know
"'It's not fair, to deny me Of the crosseyed bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know' -Alanis Morissette"
"How could you take her crosseyed bear Dave Coulier"
Have you ever embarrassingly misheard the lyrics to a song? How long did it take for you to realize, or for someone to correct you? Let us know in the comments.
All jobs are important. If they weren’t, those jobs wouldn’t exist.
However, some people view their profession as so important that they begin to develop a superiority complex.
This can be true for all professions, but Redditors maintain it’s more common in certain professions.
It all started when Redditor nameisMark asked:
“What profession attracts douchebags the most?”
“Clerks in high-end fashion boutiques. So snotty and pretentious, I mean...you work for them, you are NOT them. And most likely your clients are wealthier than you. Chill the f**k down.”
“Some are fine but others act like youre the one who doesnt belong there. Like lol bruh you just work there. It's not like you can even afford anything inside. Which is no big deal but don't act like you're gatekeeping that store”
“Love the folks in high-end watch stores who have a huge ego about working at the mall and can’t afford a single product there.”
"I remember when I bought my first house. COULD have bought one much sooner, but was just doing the young person thing of moving around for job promotions, etc. (Keep in mind, I was still only 29 when the below story happened.)"
"I was not/am not definitely not part of the generation that considered (outside of work) dressing down as wearing some khakis and a button up. Nope. I'll wear my sweats and a hoodie. Thanks."
"Anyway, I went to the furniture store closest (less than five minutes away) not because it seemed like the nicest place, but because it was close. A salesman asks "Can you afford anything in here?" The very stereotypical salesman - either in his 50s or aged terribly, probably weighed 2x-3x more than me, can tell he has 14 cents in his savings account - too. Not like some world-class salesman working on Wall Street."
"I wanted to tell him I had more money in my pocket than he has in his entire life, but I just turned around and walked away."
The Clique Game
"Doctor here. Nearly half or more of my colleagues are a**holes"
"Medicine and the hospital environment is high school all over again, and the lounge is the cafeteria."
"The academic system they pass through to get to medical school does not reward good personality or balance."
Please Don't Convince Me
"Any sales job. The competitive nature of the job means that the more confident and pushy you are, the more successful you are. It draws a certain personality type."
"Assumptive language is one of the most off-putting aspects of the dating world, imo. If I get the feeling you’re trying to sell me on going out/going home with you I definitely don’t want to."
Power Over The People
"Anybody in the criminal justice system. The amount of power they have over the general public or incarcerated individuals is horrifying and exploited far too often. These people also tend to adopt a gang mentality worse than the people they arrest"
"Speaking as someone who’s got incarcerated immediate family, 80% prison guards my family has dealt with are violent thugs and should be in prison themselves for the heinous things theyve done."
"I'm A Professional"
"Fitness trainers… particularly male ones. My f*cking god. I don’t know if it’s the steroids or testosterone but jesus christ."
"Honestly I’m a female persona trainer, but the first interview I had with a male fitness trainer was awful. He kept talking about how he basically knew everything there was to know in the fitness industry, which is ridiculous because it’s an ever evolving science. Anyway, if I’m generalizing I completely agree. Although I have met some extremely kind male fitness trainers as well."
"Internet and Phone companies. (Rogers/Bell in Canada)"
"I don't know about most but I am starting to really not like civil engineers. My current pick."
Abuse Of Power
"bouncers. And I've never been in trouble with the law in my life or been in a fight etc but I've seen enough of them in action just being abusive power trippers and escalating situations needlessly. It's often akin to school yard bullying."
Money, Money, Money
"anything to do with money: bank, insurance ...etc"
"How has no one said finance, my goodness."
"Kimberly may be busy posting pictures of her "girl boss" mug while boasting about her ability to run her own company on her own time while being a super mom but I dont want her ugly leggings, crappy skincare or oil of oregano I can use to cure asthma, crowsfeet and the flu. Kimber is insufferable and I need to go to my real job that actually pays the bills."
"I'm Your Biggest Fan"
"This should be way higher. Paparazzi are scum."
"Hey that’s not fair what did pizza ever do to you"
What Happened To Beside Manner?
“Worked healthcare IT.
I've never met a surgeon that who wasn't putting literally every bit of effort they had into "The World's Biggest D-bag" contest.”
“I met one briefly who wore a big medallion, presumably by choice”
Yeah, I saw that coming!
Do you have any more to add? Let us know in the comments below.