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People Suck: Stories Of The Worst Humanity Has To Offer

People Suck: Stories Of The Worst Humanity Has To Offer
Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

People can be just the worst, right? Everyone on earth has a million stories about their fellow human beings acting downright terrible. From cheating partners, to rich jerks, to random acts of cruelty, we've all seen humanity's darker side. It should be little surprise then that the people of the internet have some of the most infuriating, cringe-inducing stories about horrible people—and we've collected them for you here!

All in the Family

man in white dress shirt and black pants standing beside green wallPhoto by Blake Carpenter on Unsplash

Standing in the rain at night, after two years of dating, I think she is about to tell me that she loves me. Nope. She tells me that she is in love with my brother and has been dating me to get closer to him. I told my brother and he said, "Heck no! Screw her!"

Permalink

Housewarming Present

We moved into this new house, and apparently, the people who lived there before us never told their "friend" that they had moved. He let himself in one day and went into the bathroom unnoticed. I went in there sometime later to discover some random guy passed out with a needle in his arm in the middle of my new bathroom floor.

Worst first night in a new house ever!

sourwormsandwhisky

Art of the Deal

I used to be a divorce lawyer. My entire job consisted of dealing with people constantly outdoing each other for the title of "Most Immature Thing You've Ever Seen an Adult Do." Best of all was the guy who, when he felt he was not getting his way, offered to completely abandon his children and agree to never see them again, in exchange for not having to pay any support money.

the_8th_henry

The Nerve of Some People

Someone had a heart attack on the patio of our restaurant. Paramedics came and were assessing the situation and trying to prep the guy to go to the hospital. This woman dining with her husband decided very loudly to ask my manager in her best condescending rich person tone, “Is this going to take much longer, we were enjoying lunch.”

The restaurant goes dead silent and her husband looks like he’s about to puke from embarrassment. They were politely asked to leave and never come back.

throwaway3vze

A Serious Effort at Discipline

My nephew (by marriage) is a jerk. I had to drive him once and he kept messing around with the windows, so I locked them. Then he started incessantly pushing my door lock buttons. So I stopped holding back farts and stopped opening the windows. And let me tell ya, this was during a phase in my life where my farts smelled like I might be suffering from some sort of colonic necrosis. He gagged and sputtered and threatened to throw up.

It didn’t matter. I just kept farting. In fact, at a certain point I thought I might crap my pants. I didn’t care. I was willing to do it just to make that little bugger suffer a bit. Take that, Evan.

TheFire_Eagle

A New Level of Jerkery

man sitting on stool while crossing both handsPhoto by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on Unsplash

My boss fired the girl who was in her third trimester of pregnancy three days before her maternity leave was to start.

hisloyalconcubine

Small Business, Big Problems

I work at a small business. 20 employees +/-. My wealthy boss made a big speech about austerity measures and no raises this year. A week and a half later he drives up in a brand new Silverado with all the bells and whistles. Expensed to the business of course. He would hate to have to pay taxes on those profits. One of the less subtle members of the staff took a literal dump in front of his office door.

DentedAnvil

Did He Get an A+?

I caught my boyfriend of two years. He had asked me to proofread his paper on his Mac and the text messenger popped up in the right hand. He was sitting in his bed texting some girl "goodnight, I love you" while sitting right next to me in his bed. I deleted his entire paper, wrote "Who's Marissa?" saved it and told him it looks great and left.

She was his girlfriend of eight years who lived next to his parents two hours away.

pixie_dicks

Santa’s Been Naughty

I got rejected when I wasn't even trying to hit on the guy. A few years ago in December, I was at a bar with a friend when a guy dressed as Santa Claus was walking around. He walked up to my friend and said something like, "Santa's giving out gifts, and all the pretty girls get one for free!" and handed her a trinket. Then he looked at me up-and-down and added, "Yeah, you'd have to pay."

blueeyesredlipstick

Sleepover

He has a longtime friend of his (who happened to be female) who was staying the night. She was sleeping in the basement bedroom and we were upstairs. Well, he slipped out of bed in the middle of the night and woke me up. When he noticed, he told me he had to go to the bathroom. I guess I already had my suspicions, because I lay there and listened to him walk down the hall, then past the bathroom, and down the stairs. So, I followed. And caught him in the basement getting ready to have sex with her. Oh. I was not a happy puppy. Was stupid and tried to salvage our engagement, but I wasn't "fun anymore" and he left.

Ilunibi

That Explains a Lot

man in black crew neck t-shirt wearing black framed eyeglassesPhoto by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

After I came into work on a Saturday to help with some orders that were behind, the boss came in the back and started SCREAMING at me about why things were a certain way. I tried to explain that I just got there, that I had nothing to do with the job until now, and that I was just trying to fix it. More screaming. I said, "Phil, be reasonable!"

He responded by jumping up and down and screaming "I don't WANT to be reasonable!!"

JoelQuest

Over the Hill

My ex-wife and I went up to Big Bear to go snowboarding and spend some time together. We were having issues and I thought to be fun to get away and do something fun together. Let's just say it did not go well. She said she grew up snowboarding, but she never made it down a hill and had a terrible time. So we went back to the cabin and she was pretty much just on her phone, not talking to me.

We make it back and she says she needs to just shower and be alone for a bit. She goes off and I just hang in the den. She left her phone in her purse and it just kept buzzing, so I checked it out because what if someone was trying to reach us or something? I open it up to read a full conversation between her and this guy. It wasn't good.

I read how that day’s texts started and they started really early in the morning. "Hope you're doing ok up there." "We'll see, doubt it. He's trying too hard. He should just know it really doesn't matter. Wish I was up here with you instead." Just the worst stuff. And that was before I even woke up. I was pretty devastated and really didn't know what to do.

I knew I didn't want to fight because I realized she wasn't worth fighting for. Grabbed my bag and drove back to San Diego. I took her phone with me, so I could text him and tell him "We're coming home early, let's meet." I ended up inviting him to a coffee shop and waited for him to show up. When he walked through the door, he saw me immediately and kind of stopped. I waved him over and wasn't too far from the door, so I told him we need to talk.

He comes over and already front loads with the "It's not what you think," blah blah blah speech. I told him that if he wants her, he can take his sorry ass to Big Bear and go get her. Because I was leaving and we're through. See you when we sign the papers. And I left. Second worst day of my life but I'm glad it happened. Met my lady three years later and we've been together for four years, now engaged.

RaddialFox

Sold to the Highest Bidders

Mitch got everything he wanted. Granted, he was smart and ambitious, but was also petulant and snobby. The combination made him virtually hated by everyone. "I liked him more than most people did and I hate him" (paraphrase: Al Franken on Ted Cruz). Our 3rd-grade class would get monopoly-esque money for an auction of toys at the end of the year. If you were bad, you had to pay money, but if you were a little sycophant, like Mitch, you were filthy rich.

At the end of the year, Mitch surveyed all the toys and calculated how many "brownie points" it would take to swipe all the best stuff. One by one, Mitch swiped the best toys, always bidding perfectly. At the end, Mitch had enough for the most coveted toy on the table: the Chia Pet. Brent had the second most money and timidly started the bidding.

Mitch toyed with him and gradually raised the price until Brent had to go all in. Mitch raised the bid by a small margin and then Susan, who almost had a nerf gun, gave her sizeable pile to Brent and Brent raised. Mitch panicked and counted his money for a higher bid, but it was already too late. All the people he had screwed suddenly turned the auction into a popularity contest and Brent delivered the final blow. Mitch freaked the heck out and had the most satisfying meltdown.

If he had just tried to get a few things, no one would have wanted to screw him, but by leaving so many people with so much worthless cash, he was truly hoisted by his own petard.

Screw Mitch, lol.

CommieLoser

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

I work retail at an electronics store and it was launch day for a new product. A guy and his 13-year-old son and asked if we had the biggest and baddest model in a certain color in stock. I told them we had that model in a different color. The father gets a phone call and tells his kid to talk to me. The kid pulls out a wallet full of credit cards and snidely asks, “How much would it take to get me that phone?”

I told him I couldn't sell him something we didn't have, but that he could order it online. The father comes back and the kid tells him the news. The father looks at the kid and says, “I have to go to a meeting, I'll have the driver come get you. Don't back down.” And walks away. I look at the kid. Challenge freakin’ accepted.

He says, “I read on Mac Rumors that you hold 4% of your inventory for DOA phones out of the box. I want one of those phones.” To which I replied, “We don't have any for that model because we didn't get any actual stock for it in.” Long story short, the kid starts screaming in the middle of the jam-packed store.

My team leader, who happens to be there, comes out and the kid tells her that I called him a snobby little jerk. She looks at me like he was a crazy person and somehow convinces the kid to buy a different color. As it turns out we couldn't sell him the phone because the cardholder wasn't present to show ID. I was mad about the whole thing at first, but felt that he got what he deserved.

Creenburg

A Fight to the Death

My old boss started firing people by lining two up at a time and seeing which one they prefer to keep on. Didn't matter if you were there for 20 years or two. Also hiring management from outside and not promoting within which means the new managers have no knowledge of anything that company does in terms of ethics, procedures, or employee status. It has turned this "clique" type environment into every person for themselves. Very toxic.

1oneself

A Costly Choice

person looking at silver-colored analog watchPhoto by Andrea Natali on Unsplash

I was invited to a graduation party, hosted by a very wealthy couple whose daughter had just graduated from Yale. Her father came out, in front of the guests, displaying his Rolex and Cartier watches—asking which one of the two expensive watches the group thought would be "the more appropriate for the occasion." Everyone just looked at each other, silently—not quite sure what to say.

Back2Bach

Seems a Little Harsh...

When I was eight, I was on a road trip with my family, and my dad got lost. He got REALLY angry when he got lost. So to vent his frustration, he pulled over to a Jack in the Box and had me come in with him (he demanded that only I come with him, no one else). He relieved his tensions by sitting me down and telling me for ten minutes why he didn't like me. From the way I cleaned my room, to the way I did in school, to the way I SPOKE—he told me how he despised everything about eight-year-old me. I'll never forget him saying, "I don't like a single darn thing about you." Hard to take when you're eight and your dad is still Superman to you.

Born2dodishes

Getting Peppered

I had a man in his 40s call a 16-year-old girl I work with a stupid idiot because she forgot to put extra peppers on his sandwich. I was in an irritable mood that day, so I confronted him about it. I asked him if he had any children, he said yes. I asked him if he thought it would be appropriate for them to talk to a stranger (let alone a young girl) like that. He said no, so I asked him, "What makes you so special then?" He looked very ashamed of himself and just walked out of the store without saying a word. I got some applause from one of the tables.

TheusernameIwantedyo

Put a Ring On It

I called her at work and their receptionist asked, "Is this her boyfriend, Dave?" "No... it's her fiancé." I'd had suspicions for a few months before that but this was the clincher. So glad I got out of that one.

fsm20132

When You’re Rich, the World Is Your Toilet

I was once a server at a high-end steakhouse in Newport Beach, California. A rich guy's son comes in, probably in his mid-30s, with a big group. They get a private room and spend thousands on food and booze. The guy gets hammered and instead of climbing the stairs to take a leak, he just relieves himself in the hallway. On the floor. He didn't get kicked out, either. They just had a janitor come in and clean it up and the dinner kept going. Nice to have that kind of money, I guess.

zodar

Selectively Poor

person holding U.S. dollar banknotePhoto by Vitaly Taranov on Unsplash

Our bosses cancelled the Christmas party and Christmas bonuses for the whole company because we "didn't have the money for it." I found out later the CEO and the CTO used company funds to take a week-long ski vacation in Whistler instead of doing something nice for the employees. You better believe I spread that evidence around the office.

capnhist

It’s the Thought That Counts

20 or some odd years ago I caught my ex, not actually having sex, but in bed with another guy. On Valentine's Day. With a dozen roses in my hand. What a horrible person. Fighting would get you kicked out of college, so I told the much smaller guy that as soon I saw him off campus someday, I'd kill him.

Fifteen years and worlds later, I'm at an engagement party at a bar, and some friends come up and tell me the guy over there is extremely scared of me and thinks I'm going to kill him. I look over and couldn't stop laughing. It was so far in the past, but for some reason, that guy remembered it like I had sworn an oath to avenge my family. It felt good. His fear was redemption enough.

HaveaManhattan

Low-Class Attitude

I was briefly an assistant to the CEO of a large company in my country (I live in Northern Europe), and this guy was a real jerk to everyone. I just made coffee, ran with mail, and copied things. I say "briefly" because I only worked there for three weeks. I made an honest mistake, copying the wrong documents, resulting in a brief embarrassment on his side in an in-house meeting with some of the other big guys of the firm.

I got called into his office and, knowing his history with previous assistants, I was visibly nervous. He then began absolutely shredding me for 15 minutes, completely red in the head, spit flying in my face as he stood above me, basically ripping me a new one. I started crying (This was my first job, and I was 15 at the time), and he stopped shouting. But that wasn't a good sign.

He took one finger to my chin, lifted my face up so I looked straight at him, and then he said "You're a nobody. Don't you ever forget that." And then he threw some paperwork at me to let me officially know that I was fired (which I then had to pick up from the floor), and then he yelled at me to get the heck out of his office.

djputin1

At Least You Could Still Get Dinner…

I was once given the number to a pizza place instead of the guy's number I had asked out.

blonderdhd

A Sinking Feeling...

Years ago, I was hosting a house party. A pair of girls went into the bathroom together. Not uncommon. Well, one of them decided to take a piss in my sink and accidentally dropped a loaf while she was at it. They came out laughing and telling everyone that someone must have pooped in my sink. I was literally the last person in that bathroom before them. I even watched them walk in. And I don't recall defecating in my own sink. After confronting them, they got pissed off and left. They didn't even bother cleaning up the sink!

s******plug

Getting the Real Story

person holding smartphonePhoto by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash

I work in an Apple Store as a Genius. A kid (13-15 yrs old) comes in with his iPhone X and tells me that he wants a new phone now. I ask him what is wrong and he says every time he plays Fortnite or Minecraft his phone gets hot. Explain to him that is an expected behavior for graphic intensive games and explain that I play PUBGmobile and my phone does the same thing. He screams “I want a new f***ing phone now!!” And slams the phone on the table, which shatters the display. The phone drops to the floor (which is stone) and shatters the back. He looks at me and blames me for making him slam his phone. I tell him well now the phone is broke and that will be $549 to replace it since it’s now broken. At this point his mom comes in and sees the phone and asks what happened. Her son starts to say that I did it. She looks at me and says what happened. I tell her and she laughs and tells her son to get the hell out and he will be without a phone until he can pay for it himself.

im2fat4astormtrooper

Be Thankful You Don’t Work For This Guy

After a mistake was made on a product at my work, the assembly team was left to try and get the project out on time. The deadline was around Dec 1st. The boss demanded that everyone work on Thanksgiving. Someone said, "We want to spend time with our families." We were told, "I don’t care, I hate your families!!!"

JoelQuest

Indecent Proposal

Oh boy, story time, so, I'd been with this girl for two years, I was madly in love with her, I was going to propose. Bought a ring, went to pay her a surprise visit, walked in because I had a key, found her in bed with another man. Threw the box with the ring at her, walked out, drove off, never looked back. Got about five miles away, pulled over and broke down crying.

5tr4nGe

Sliding Scale

When I was a waiter, I had a guy put a $20 on the table when I came to greet him and his wife and say, “This is your tip. However, every time you do something wrong, I will remove a dollar.” I thought he was joking, so I chuckled and asked, “Like, what?” He takes the 20 off the table and replaces it with exactly $19. Who carries enough bills to do that? He responds with, “Like that.”

MissJoey

But Tell Us What You Really Think

In a company of six people, owner said in a meeting with everyone that his two sales guys are irreplaceable and that the rest of us are "just paper pushers."

zeeker1985

Love is Not a Game

person holding game controller in-front of televisionPhoto by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I'd finished doing the daily quests on my WoW character, and I knew he wasn't going to be home for a while so like many times before (with his permission) I logged into his account to do dailies for him. Then the PM's started. Very explicit PM's. Not only was he cheating on me in a game (with loads of people, cybersex in WoW, eugh), but there was one girl who was talking about things outside the game too. I admit I played along for a while to see what was going on. After that, I told her who I was. It all ended rather badly, between her and I, him and I, and him and her.

Miyenne

With a Little Help From My Housekeeper

There was a kid at my high school. When he was 14, he had a learner’s permit, but his parents got him a Mercedes-Benz G-Class. Every day, he drove it to school and was determined to park it in the parking lot to show it off. So, he had his housekeeper drive to school with him and the housekeeper's son drove a car behind her to take her back home—which was only about two miles away from our school.

CollectandRun

Preventative Measures

A co-worker came up to me and told me not to even think of asking her out. Umm, I wasn't going to—but thanks for randomly telling me how much I apparently SUCK.

kingeryck

Future Serial Killer Alert

I was a kid, probably 9 or 10, and my mom had a friend and her son over for lunch. The kid disappeared for about 10 minutes, and at the time I thought he had gone to the bathroom because I really had to go. So when he came back I quickly maneuvered my way past him into the room before the bathroom, where we had a fish tank. This would be completely irrelevant if the fish tank wasn’t cloudy and swirling about. At first glance, I didn't know what it was, until I noticed smashed and ripped apart pieces of little fish faces moving around in the swirl. The kid had reached into the fish tank and squeezed the ever-loving life out of every single fish in that tank.

eta5minutes

Think Fast!

I was on the bus a year or 2 back and a kid and his mom were seated in front of me. The kid kept screeching about wanting to "press the button" (you press a button to notify the bus driver that you need to get off at the next stop) because he liked the beep it made. Every. Single. Bus stop. This little twat screeched asking if he could press it yet. Finally his mom said he could press the button. I pressed it. It only beeps for the first person to press it. The little brat cried.

LuthienTheMonk

Being the Smaller Person

woman in black and white dress sitting on concrete stairsPhoto by Zhivko Minkov on Unsplash

When I was about six years old, my stepmother had said something that humiliated me. We got into an argument and I yelled that I hated her. She responded, "I hate you, too!" and I was pretty much just stunned. I think she was in her mid-30s then, and that moment stuck with me for a long time…

fluffyxsama

Power in Numbers

I had accused my boyfriend of cheating previously but over and over he turned it around and got upset that I didn't trust him. Finally, after talking to the girl he cheated with on the phone, we called him together and he came clean. Couldn't lie to us both.

almostascone

You Probably Know What Evian is Spelled Backwards

I worked at a private villa in Bali. One guest stood out because she only drank and bathed in Evian. So one day I spent almost an hour filling a large tub from tons of Evian bottles. The same young woman complained that the path from her villa gate to her room wasn't well lit. This was probably because she wore sunglasses at night.

icycld

All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy

My old boss actively tried to ban friendships. If co-workers became friendly she would schedule them so they would NEVER see each other. "You're here to work! Not to socialise!" She also banned everyone from coming into the workplace when they were not working. It was a pub. She banned socializing in a pub. This was a corporate pub, so drinking for free was never allowed. She was literally turning away paying customers.

A co-worker once asked her if he could bring in his visiting Grandpa to show him where he worked and she told him to screw off. She became insanely paranoid when she learned four people were in a WhatsApp group. She said the only reason people who work together set up group chats is because they wanted to talk trash about her. She was actually kind of right.

ohboythisisit

Holden Would Be Proud

My best friend lived in the family's old vacation trailer behind his house (back in the 90s). I arrived with a twelve-pack, opened the door and there was my girlfriend. She was standing full frontal (not a stitch on) and he was in his boxers. Later he told me "Nothing happened." JD Salinger had a term for that kind of guy, it was... PHONY.

Ash_Britt_Chloe_Spik

More Income, More Intergenerational Problems

woman in black long sleeve shirt covering her face with her handsPhoto by Elisa Ventur on Unsplash

My mom works in a family-owned business, and while the owners aren't excessively rich they're definitely upper class. I think the most messed up thing that I know about them is just how they treat members of their own families, let alone strangers. For example, the founder of the company fell and broke his hip when he was around 80.

Since he could barely walk around on his own anymore, let alone run a company, he finally retired and gave the company to his daughter. This was a huge mistake. She put him in a home, never visited him again for his entire life (He passed away at age 92, just to give some perspective on how long that was), and almost immediately began to drive the company into the ground.

Around three years after the daughter became the owner of the company, her grandson is hired into basically the same sort of secretary job my mother has. Now it's a bit of a long story, but he lives with his aunt who also works for the company, basically in the same job his grandmother had before she became the company owner.

So, things are going fine for a while, then eventually he comes out as gay, and is immediately fired for some BS reason by his own grandmother. On top of that, she demands that her daughter kick him out of her house or she'll fire her too, but thankfully she wasn't taking any of that, and said she'd sue her mother if she fired her over it. Her mother backs down, and thankfully the kid isn't kicked out onto the streets, but he's sure as heck not getting his job back. Then of course since he was fired, all of the work he was doing is piled onto my mother's desk.

ErickHatesYou

Different Goals

My sister hooked up with a classmate a few times and said they got along very well, sometimes coming over to hook up and never getting the chance because they would get so lost in conversation. So one day she goes, "Hey, we get along well and I think you're pretty attractive, maybe we can go on an actual date sometime?" Without a beat, the guy looks to her and says, "Listen, I'll sleep with you, but I can't be seen in public with you." She claims she clocked the guy and never spoke to him again.

Cananbaum

Multiple Counts of Stupidity

I invited a friend over for drinks—and BOY did she drink! She got so drunk that she vomited on my living room wall and fell down the staircase. She looked like she had rolled around in chicken salad. After I made her shower and gave her some of my clothes to wear, she stole my flip-flops and went RUNNING out of the house to go to her boyfriend's apartment.

I had to go follow after her, and she eventually got detained for public intoxication. I have not invited her over since.

ladyheracross

The Experience Pays off

Working at a Chuck E Cheese one year. Some little kid keeps getting pissed because he can't win many tickets from a game. Kid begins to kick and scream. Toss stuff around, etc. I think he tried to hit one of the animatronics. When someone tried to get him to stop he pulled the, "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE CAN DO TO YOU?" We all just shook our heads and didn't know what to say. Was his dad the owner? Rich? etc? "Tell me what I can do."

We see this guy in a business suit just standing there with a really pissed off look on his face. It was the kind of face that you look at and wonder if this man ever smiled. The kid just froze up and muttered something. The man apologized and walked away. He came back a few hours later and gave all the employees gifts. I got an Xbox 360. One of the first generation ones. I still have it with me if anyone wants a picture. He just gave me the console. No wires, controllers, or anything.

Lady_Otaku

Selectively Deaf

Both of my parents are very immature in general, but this particular incident caught me totally off guard. When I was 13, I won an argument with my mom. It was something to do with Earth Hour, and how we should try our best not to use any electronic devices during that time. To my surprise, when I started winning the debate, my mom literally put her fingers in her ears and started screaming "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, NANANANANA!" I learned a lot about human nature that day…

ForkToTheLeft

Tripped Up

man standing on black rock surrounded body of waterPhoto by Slav Romanov on Unsplash

I was gone for a week for work. Got back to my building after a flight home and had no ride. She forgot to come pick me up. I finally got a hold of her, came to pick me up half drunk, went back to our house, I was unpacking and turned around and she had her hair and makeup done and just said "I'm going out, see ya" and left. This was after I had been gone for a week.

The next day was Friday, she had got home after I went to bed and left for work before me. I got home, and she was already gone, and had texted me and said she was going to her friend's house to hang out for a house party for the weekend. I didn't hear from her again for two days despite calling and texting her. She got home late Sunday night and told me she "lost her phone in the couch.”

I told her this wasn't working, and she needed to leave. She packed a bag while I cracked a beer on the couch. A couple days later, my friend emailed me a boatload of pictures from the weekend she disappeared, all of her and the guy she was cheating on me with. He had posted them on his Myspace that Sunday evening.

She actually continued to mess up things for me for quite a while after this, financially mostly, but eventually, I got free of that disaster and moved on happily.

Paugh

If You’re Going to Complain About a Dish, You Better Know What Goes Into It

At my restaurant, someone once ordered the dessert on special—it was tiramisu that day—and sent it back, saying that “Mascarpone cream doesn't go along well with coffee and your recipe should be changed.” That is literally the original and classic recipe. Then get this. She asked for tiramisu with Victoria sponge.

First, we had no Victoria sponge, second, just because someone asks for it we are not going to make something we won't end up selling, and third, I think the chef would've rather carved his own eyes out with a fork. Just because you have the money to pay for a 200€ meal doesn't mean you are entitled to whatever you want. We are workers who want to turn a profit at the end of the damn day, not your personal staff of cooks and waiters.

Totally-not-a-scam

False Sense of Hope

My boss told a bunch of people they were going to be promoted to get us to do extra work, but no one actually got promoted. I basically did her job for a month. Me and three of my co-workers quit and she got fired a few months later.

Emersonson

We Feel For You

This is so recent (a week ago). I went to the spot I first took her to on the ship we worked on to surprise her, and she was on top of another dude. They looked me in the face and laughed when they saw me. I absolutely loathe infidelity, and feel for all the victims of heartache.

cant_afford_gas

Spite Trip

I drive a limousine, often for wealthy clients. My least favorite are the children. One of my spoiled trust fund clients once insisted on picking up four friends from different areas of town. He convinces these people to go to the bar with him, but when we get there, he kicks them out and has me drive him to the airport, where he picks up a last-minute flight to Vegas.

Permalink

The Best Pickup Lines Of All Time

A Redditor asked: 'what's the best pickup line of all time?'

shallow photography of man hugging woman outdoors
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

When it comes to flirting, everyone has their preferences of how they like to be flirted with. Some people like cleverly crafted pickup lines.

I always thought pickup lines were a cheap way to get someone's attention. That being said, there are some good ones out there. I've been on the receiving end of both. "On a scale from one to America, how free are you tonight?" and, "You must be the square root of two because I feel irrational around you."

Both got me to engage in conversation, and I even dated the guy who used the first one for a while.

I'm not the only one that knows some good pickup lines. Redditors have both heard and used some pickup lines and are eager to share their favorites.

It all started when Redditor Sauce_Dealer420 asked:

"What's the best pickup line of all time?"

Read It And See

"You put the sexy in dyslexic."

– koookyko

"This made me laugh so hard."

"Because I can read properly."

– TappedIn2111

I'm Hooked

"This girl I used to work with and I went to a bar after work and we’re having fun, and she leans over to tell me a joke. And she says:"

"Three boy mice and a girl mouse were all stuck in a room with no doors and no windows. One of the boy mice asked the girl mouse how to get out and she said, “Sleep with me tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning.""

"The next day, he is gone. The second boy mouse asks the girl mouse how he got out and she says, “Sleep with me tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning.""

"Next day, he’s gone too."

"So now the girl telling me this joke says to me, “Do you want to know how the last mouse gets out of the box?”

"And I say “yes.""

"And she says, “Sleep with ME tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning”. All this while staring me in the eyes and smiling."

"I said, “Check please bartender!!""

"I forgot to ask her in the morning, but that was the best pickup line I’ve ever heard."

– reb678

Statistics

"The odds we sleep together are 50% because half of us agree so far."

– AlfheimKitteh

"Math is always super sexy."

– Acceptable-News-6811

Money, Money, Money

"Hey girl, are you the English financial system? Because I'm about to give you a weak pound."

– onemanwolfpack21

"Yo girl, do you know exchange rates? Because Euro 10."

– kkirchhoff

Winner, Winner

""Are you a magician? Cuz every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.""

"This line got me a wife and three kids. 😊"

– PRSHZ

One Liners

"Are you a beaver? Cuz damn."

– Starry_Night-

"If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple."

– Slainna

"Hi, do you want to go for a ride on a Harley?"

"(My name is Harley) 😁"

– OMNIxvTRIX

No Losers

"If I asked you for a date would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?"

– SchemePale6222

"I got blue screen in my head."

"Explain please."

– TastyToothpasta

"You can't lose. Say no, the answer is yes. Say yes, the answer is also yes."

"Dang sounds kinda creepy writing it out like that. Still clever wordplay though."

– Steeze_Schralper6968

Clever

"My go-to was always:"

"I used to be a history teacher, so I know lots of important dates. Want to help me make another one?"

"A little corny, but it usually worked."

– StuffToday

Refreshing

"That one actually worked with my ex on the first try."

"-Hey, do you like water?"

"-Yes."

"-Then you like me in 70% already."

– azurskyy

Sneaky

"Would you date a complete stranger?"

"If she says “yes” you’re in."

If she says “no.”

“Then allow me to introduce myself.”"

– Blastspark01

Playing Coy

"Once a girl came to me and told there was somebody who thought I was cute."

"I asked her who and she said “Me.""

– evil_boy4life

Prop Lines

"You have to have a handful of limes available to do this:"

"Hold the limes, drop the limes in front of the lucky person. Then say 'Sorry, I'm not very good at pick up limes.'"

– cannibalcats

Egg-cellent

"Best one that worked for me was:"

"Me: How do you like your eggs?"

"Her: Over easy, why?"

"Me: Just making sure I have things right for when I make you breakfast in the morning."

– Radiant_Boss4342

The Best Line

"How you doin?"

– 2x4x93

"There was a time when this was the ONLY line you could use!"

– JohnsLong_Silver

That line would definitely work on me!

United States political map
Clay Banks on Unsplash

Twenty years ago, a question about politics and dating might have elicited very different answers.

But a large part of the United States seems to be getting more radicalized and more polarized.

While two decades ago most liberal versus conservative differences in the United States were about government size or spending, now it's about who has a right to exist or have body autonomy.

Keep reading...Show less
Man peeking through window blinds
Photo by Chris Nguyen on Unsplash

Let's be honest: It's 2023, and times are pretty hard for most of us. We're all just out here, trying to do our best.

But while our instincts sometimes really save our butts, there are other times that our curiosity and impulses might get carried away.

In fact, they might get so carried away, we might find ourselves in some deep, deep trouble.

Redditor Mr_Manta asked:

"How has morbid curiosity screwed you over?"

A Troubling Find

"I found a human femur when I was a teenager and decided to take it home and hide it so I could inspect it."

"I was on exchange in Spain at the time. I didn’t know what to do with it after I brought it home, so like an id**t, I put it in my luggage five weeks later when I flew back home to my family."

"Airport security and I had really, really, really, really, really long talk."

"Edit: To answer all your questions, my friend and I had taken a walk to some cemetery in a roadside town. The population was 81. We thought the town had been abandoned, by the looks of it. We were dumb kids."

"We went to the cemetery and into some abandoned mausoleum. In it were So. Many. Bones. I grabbed a femur cause I was a 15-year-old who loved biology. I took it. That wasn’t cool."

- cowsmilk1994

What in the Pink Floyd...

"I Googled my estranged father's name and found out he died of an overdose, and they turned his cremains into a brick for a homeless memorial wall."

- Planet_Ziltoidia

Not a Smart Google Search

"I once Googled Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. I wanted to see his furniture and stuff. That is NOT what I saw..."

- Efficient-Regular-96

Emergency Medical Technician Troubles

"I work as an EMT, a young EMT so obviously, I’m curious when someone says someone is dead."

"If you are a new EMT, don’t be curious; there isn’t anything good to see just major trauma."

- Individual-Estate758

Accidental Pepper Spray

"I thought this cool lighter was on a keychain, so I pressed the button. Turns out that cool lighter was pepper spray."

- copsdoesntstarttill4

The Horrors of Fire

"From the news: 'The Station nightclub fire occurred on the evening of February 20, 2003, at The Station, a nightclub and hard rock music venue in West Warwick, Rhode Island, United States, killing 100 people and injuring 230.' During a concert by the rock band Great White, a pyrotechnic display ignited flammable acoustic foam in the walls and ceilings surrounding the stage. Within six minutes, the entire building was engulfed in flames.'"

"There is a video shot by a cameraman from a local news outlet showing the start of the fire and approximately 13 minutes of heartbreak as the fire completely engulfed the building. As he circled the building he tried to open doors and call out to let people know that there was a way out, but the smoke was incredibly thick, and all you heard was screaming."

"The part that haunts me the most was the double doors at the front of the building, where people trying to escape were piled like wood in the doorway- one on top of another - people trying to free them couldn’t and eventually had to back off because of the fire. The video ends with the cameraman breaking down as emergency services finally arrived."

- Hot-Bandicoot8066

The Power of Electricity

"As a kid, I knew that you needed two wires for electricity to power an appliance. So I thought it would be a cool idea to let the electricity flow freely from one hole of a power outlet to the other, so I bent a wire in a U-shape and plugged it in."

"With my bare hands. At school, I believe in first grade. 220 Volt network. There was a flash, and I got thrown back, but thought nothing of it until some teachers came running and I got a lecture or two about safety."

- zedman_forever

A Recurring Mistake

"I found a memory card at work (retail). It sat on our desk for over two weeks. One day curiosity won and I stuck it in my phone."

"Memes, pics of family, and old man and old lady intimate parts."

"Then Google surprised me a few years later because it had uploaded them to my Google Drive."

- Itchy_Amphibian3883

Too Close to Home

"Finding out exactly where my dad died. He died in a car accident but I was never sure quite where it happened. I stupidly looked it up and found out it was right by where I lived and even drove past that exact spot plenty of times."

"Yeah, needless to say that did me way more psychological harm than good. I couldn’t handle it. Avoid that area at all costs. My husband got a job out of state and I was happy to move there just so I couldn’t be traumatized by living by that spot anymore."

- ZestyCloseTomato555

All Equal Deaths

"I killed a Rollie pollie when I was little and I still feel terrible about it."

- DoomSayerNih

Fair Enough

"Opening this thread and reading is officially at the top."

- Special_Lemon1487

Most of these entries were absolutely mortifying, and they remind us to be careful about what we're getting ourselves into, even if we're curious.

Otherwise, it can lead to terrible injuries if not terrible memories, which might even be worse, because they're so impossible to forget.

Man enjoying sangria solo
Sangria Señorial/Unsplash

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

That scenario could apply to many situations, but it generally refers to an individual enjoying temporary freedom to do as they please in the absence of a foe or constant companion.

In romantic couplings, this may involve a spouse or significant other finally engaging in private activity that could be frowned upon in the presence of the other person.

Curious to hear examples, Redditor shaka_sulu asked:

"Married folks, what's a non-sexual thing you look forward doing at home only when your spouse is away?"

Some people are happy to take up extra space.

Spacious Parking

"Parking my car in the middle of the garage."

– starkpaella

"Genius answer. It always brings joy."

– Heynicejobtoday

Hush

"The quiet. My husband constantly has the TV on, even if he’s not watching, and I enjoy silence."

– 2workigo

"This. My wife lived alone for many years and always has the TV on, even uses the one in the bedroom as noise to fall asleep to. The first thing I do when she’s gone is make sure all the noisemakers are shut off around the house. Well, except the cats. They don’t have off buttons."

– jaybeeg

Bed Positions

"Sleeping on the diagonal."

– snogweasel

"When you're there, I sleep lengthwise And when you're gone I sleep diagonal in my bed."

– downvotingprofile

Quiet Viewing

"I had a day off work today. Husband was at work, kids at school, so after I did the school run I came home, wrapped myself in our softest heated blanket, lay on the sofa and watched 3 movies with no interruptions. It was bliss."

– PheonixKernow

These Redditors can finally revel in their respective indulgences when they finally have the place to themselves.

Taste In The Finer Things

"The wife is a picky eater. When she is away, I either make a meal that she doesn’t like or I go to a restaurant that she doesn’t care for."

"It’s the little things. 😂"

– aizzo4

All Mine

"I cook almost all the meals. Almost being that we occasionally get take out. When I have a day off and my husband is working and my kids are at school/daycare, I go get breakfast and Waffle House. By myself. I sit there and eat a waffle, two scrambled eggs and bacon and I DONT HAVE TO F'KING SHARE! My husband despises Waffle House, but f'k I love those waffles. My parents used to have a waffle iron that made the traditional style waffles with the tiny squares until the cord shorted out. I miss them."

– missag_2490

Cheers

"My wife is in recovery, six years sober, and I support her in every way possible including, obviously, no alcohol in the house. If she’s away for a few days, I’ll grill me some steak tacos and wash them down with a really good Cabernet."

– Tom__mm

"I’m a recovering addict and I think you’re a great husband."

– JLHuston

Screen Time

"Watching TV shows he'd never watch, on the big TV."

– sexrockandroll

"There isn't an ancient aliens, shows from the early 80s (chuck Norris and Jack klugman), or horror movies that he won't watch - pausing every 3 seconds in case I miss something - that WE have to watch. When he travels for work I relish the quiet. Even the weather channel is enjoyable."

"My love for my husband has no end but he has the stupidest taste in shows yet whines if I would rather deep clean the basement than deal with any of it."

"But I can only deep clean the basement so many times..."

– Big-Mine9790

To each his/her/their own.

The Organizer

"Deep cleaning and reorganizing. I know, I'm a real party."

– Dependent_Top_4425

"You are my people. The garage door is hardly down before I'm getting busy!"

"There is not one thing better in this whole world than having some alone time in my spotless house."

– Individual-Army811

Everything But The Kitchen Sink

"Hike all day, get the sh**ty chinese takeout that she hates and I love despite knowing full well it’s objectively not good, and drink some nice beer while watching movies all night."

– holographoc

Establishing Order

"Putting things down and having them still be there when I want them."

"Having a clean house that stays that way for more than 30 seconds. I love him, but he's just a whirlwind of plates and seltzer cans some days."

– Lyeta1_1

When my husband's away, I watch all the horror films that have been stacking up in the queues of my streaming platforms.

He has a weak stomach for gore and violence, so we often avoid home invasion movies or slasher flicks and instead stick to comedy, drama, or dramedies, and documentaries.

Which is all well and good.

But when I have the place all to myself, I bust out the wine and Doritos and watch the latest Halloween or Scream movies I've been missing out on.