Some of us have experienced near-death experiences that haunt us to this day.
The moment I thought, "this is how I'm gonna go," was when I got "certified" for scuba-diving in Cozumel, Mexico, and went underwater following a guide.
He took a small group of us through a TUNNEL. On our first-ever scuba-diving excursion. I was not informed about how we can adjust our buoyancy and I was starting to panic about why my body was dragging along the ocean floor.
I remember forcing myself to swim up higher – while inside the dark tunnel – and I bashed my head on the cave's ceiling so hard I blacked out for a second.
Curious to hear about near-death experiences Redditor spider_takerr asked strangers on the internet:
"What was your 'oh f'k, I'm gonna die' moment?"
Scenes From A Hospital
The institution meant to save lives can also be a grim place.
What The Nurse Missed
"My mom gave birth to me at a teaching hospital and one of the new nurses didn't catch that I was positioned incorrectly. Doctor didn't notice until it was too late and my mom had to have an emergency c section that almost killed us. She says the doctor chewed the absolute hell out of that nurse."'
Giving Life
"When my daughter was born, I had a caesarean and lost too much blood. I got cold and really tired and the people around me suddenly got busy and kept saying 'stay awake, stay awake', I heard my daughter cry and they held her up and I thought since she's been born safe and while it was ok for me to let go. I wasn't frightened, just so so tired."
The Last Breath
"I can't breathe through my nose due to a birth defect. I had surgery and it was at a teaching hospital. The doctor messed up and tried to run tubes up my nose, causing everything to swell and cutting off what little breathing I can do through my nose. Then they ran the tube down my throat, when all was done my jaw was wired shut. My throat swelled. I woke up trying to breathe and not being able to get much breath, I panicked and passed out. I remember thinking this is how I die. I woke up to my main doctor unwiring my jaw and cussing out the trainee doctor."
En Route To The Hospital
"When the ambulance attendant yelled to the driver to hit the lights & sirens 'her heart rate's dropping, we're losing her.'"
Nature
Nature can be cruel at times. Or just horrible at pranking.
Scary Wipeout
"Was surfing on a day I shouldn't have gone out and got pummeled by some heavy waves. Became disoriented underwater and couldn't tell which way was up. Getting dragged by my board when I felt like I was starting to black out and felt like I was pretty close to reflexively gasping for air, which would have been bad to do underwater. I don't even remember how I reached the surface and I don't really even remember taking a big dramatic breath like you'd see in a movie...I just remember my vision and hearing coming back while I was laying on my board, and then looking around for the next set of waves to see if I could reach the shore. Fortunately I had been pulled closer in by the prior wave(s) and was able to lay on my board and get back safely."
Wind In My Sails
"Walking home from school carrying an art portfolio case -- basically a 2.5-foot by 4-foot by 1-inch briefcase. In other words, a hand-held sail."
"Strong wind gusts. Crossing a busy highway on an overpass."
"A very strong gust hit me straight from the side, and the portfolio caught it like a damn galleon sail. I felt myself nearly lifted off the sidewalk for a split-second, and I was pushed a couple steps towards the safety rail. I wasn't airborne or anything, but I would have tumbled over it if I were just a bit less lucky."
The Hero
"Had two buddies get stuck in a rip tide on a very remote black sand beach on the north part of big island hawaii. One of their girl friends realized they couldn't get back in because one cramped up too badly and ran to get me for help. It was the perfect storm for a few reasons, I was the only guy on the beach besides and grandfather and his two grandchildren, it was about a .5 miles down a cliff with no cell reception, and there was only one house on top the cliff. I ran to the water and when I got to chest level, the water was pulling so hard, the only thought in my mind was 'I'm not getting out of this if I go in' I go in with a foot long floating thing we found on the beach, I tell my one friend to get in of he can and he does. We either drift along the cliff line where there is no beach for miles or we drift out to open ocean.
So I'm out there with a guy who is 5'8, 230lbs, I'm 5'7 at 170 who just had shoulder reconstruction surgery 7 months prior, and he is freaking out, swallowing water from 8-9 foot waves and yelling me to leave him. I remember in the moment when he was yelling at me to 'leave him because he didn't want two of us to die and to just let him' all I could think was 'lie and make him think this is possible' (which I didn't even truly believe). So after him losing grip 3 separate times and the flotation device, I am finally able to get us to shore. Ironically, after being in the current for 50 minutes, a rescue helicopter got there 5 minutes after we got out because one of the guys grandkid ran to the top of the cliff to get a call out."
The sh**tiest part was I was going to propose to my girlfriend on that beach that afternoon, but she instead watched me almost drown trying to get our friend out. It still gets me worked up recalling it because seeing a grown man beg you to let him die so you can live is something you never forget."
Being Cooked Alive
"I work on TV broadcast towers, including some of the tallest structures ever built. I don't even count the hundreds of little things that make your butthole pucker when you're 2,000' up on a tower. The time I actually came closest to dying was several years ago while working alone in a remote area, performing a plumb and tension on a cell tower. This requires walking to all the anchor points, measuring the tension of the guyed wires, adjusting the wire tensions to the specified ranges while ensuring the tower structure remains plumb (the vertical equivalent of level) by viewing it through a transit. It was July or August 2018 in the US southeast so fairly hot and extremely humid outside. Not wearing a shirt I could see my heart pounding pretty hard in my chest and knew I should rest but I was making good time on the project and decided to press on and go finish the farthest anchor from the tower before resting. A few minutes later I smashed my finger in the tension measuring device and despite having a high pain tolerance it definitely needed some attention. While walking back to the truck I realized I was in trouble- way too hot, and several hundred yards uphill to go."
"My hearing faded out and my vision started tunneling in like it does when you're about to pass out. Had a very clear understanding of what was happening to me, I was having a heat injury and if I passed out before I made it to the truck I could die there. It wasn't a panic but a calm understanding that 'oh, paidtogethigh, your body is shutting down and you may die here today.' Thankfully I managed to reach the truck, blast the air conditioning, and recover. Was a crazy week thinking back on it, 2 or 3 days later my boss sent me to do another job at the CIA headquarters in Langley without sending the CIA my info so when I showed up at the gate they were not expecting me and of course wouldn't let me in until everything was in order."
Watch For Falling Objects
"Train derailed bc a boulder fell on the track and the whole first car was hanging down the side of a very steep hill. I was in the fourth car, it was a full 20 minutes before we could get out safely."
"Thankfully only a couple were hospitalized, and only one was seriously injured. But , dude. I'll never forget the sound the breaks on that train made."
"Edited to add bc my phone was dying when I first saw this: specifically, the oh-f'ck-im-gonna-die moment came when the E-break was pulled. I had to catch an early train out of town to get back home after visiting my now-husband at college, and so I was sleeping when I was suddenly woken up with a loud screech and my face hitting the seat in front of me as I fell on to the ground. Looked out the window, saw the first car down the mountain side, and straight panicked."
"It all turned out fine though."
Sand Storm
"While deployed I was crew on a test flight as a sand storm was moving in. The co-pilot was on the sticks, got disoriented and the ground was quickly growing closer. Luckily, the pilot was aware and took control and swiftly brought us out of the dive and into safety well before disaster struck. One of only two times I was scared during my time away."
Alive To Tell The Tale
The following Redditors could have perished at the hands of a sibling, a cab driver in another country, and meatballs.
Fortunately, they're with us to tell their story.
Delicious Disaster
"When I almost choked to death after inhaling too many meatballs without chewing enough"
"Ikea almost claims another victim."
Murder Attempts
"When my sister's friend pushed me off a dock into a deep spot. I was too stunned to realize what happened & started drowning. I'm still not sure what happened after I started sucking down water & flailing... don't remember anything after that point."
"Or even the moment my sister pushed me in front of an oncoming car for stepping on the back of her shoes repeatedly. Had a split second moment where I thought that I might as I was plummeting into the road off the side walk & then saw the car mere centimeters from my face as it screeched to a halt."
Wild Ride
"For some reason I was separated from the group I was traveling with in Mexico, and the cab driver started going in the exact opposite direction of where I told him to go. I was pretty confident of my Spanish language skills at that time, so I repeated the directions again, and he kept going, giving some flimsy, not quite coherent explanation for going the wrong way. At this point, I was terrified, but I got this paradoxical reaction where I sat forward, and very loudly - in English - told him to turn the f*!#ing cab around and go the other way. He didn't say another word, just turned the cab around and went exactly where I told him to."
I count my lucky stars I did not pass out right there underwater inside the cave that day I went scuba-diving.
I managed to make my way out of the tunnel without the useless "guide" and made it to shore and joined my friends.
I was so happy to see them.
A part of me thought at the time I was Sixth-Sense-ing and interpreted my interactions with my friends as a fabrication in my after-life...
...until I tripped over my flipper and I got a mouthful of sand after face-planting on the beach, snapping me back to reality.
I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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