Sometimes, life is just too sweet.
1. Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. Slow as hell. Some older lady in a BMW is driving like a total jerk. Trying to weave through traffic, cutting people off, driving down the shoulder and cutting back in. Just being super rude.
Finally she decides she's had enough and speeds off down the shoulder and then tries to cut over a median onto the feeder road. Unfortunately for her, the median is just a bit too high and she high-centers herself in glorious fashion and got completely stuck.
And we all got to drive slowly by and smugly stare at her as she stood next her car on her cell phone calling for help.
It was great.
2. My ex and I got into a fight and when I drove off he jumped into my window hanging off the side while I was driving. He lost his grip and I ran over him.
3. A group of ladies I was waiting on at a restaurant were being total turds. They ate all of their appetizer and told me it "Tasted like kaka/was effing nasty" (all of this said in front of their four year old that was climbing over the back of their booth). I didn't give it to them for free, so when they left they dumped their leftover drinks and salsa and stuff all over the table. I didn't catch them doing this, but before I noticed I saw one come back in and pick her phone up off the table.
So she dumped water, margarita, and salsa all over her phone. One that didn't have a waterproof case. That felt good.
4. Outside a venue at a concert, two big tuff guys in a truck were slowly rolling along, obviously bothering two female acquaintances of mine. Finally one of the girls stuck up for the other one and told the dude to piss off. By this point there was a bit of an audience, so truckbro yells something about us guys out there at the show needing to "leash your ladies" (but he used a very rude term instead of ladies), then peeled out toward a four way stop.
Four way stop turned red and they waited. Which was enough time for a very scary dude (and a friend of the girls I found out later) to sprint out of the crowd and after the truck. He reached them at the light, stepped up to the driver side window, leaned in, undid the dude's seatbelt, and ripped him entirely back out the window.
Scary dude proceeded to choke him out and explain to him why it was happening, while truckbro two had to stop the truck from listing out into the intersection. He then got out and whined and orbited, threatening to call the cops over and over.
He let the dudes go, and they got back in their truck, peeled out again, and left.
5. One time I was driving home from work at night during a bad snow storm and these douche holes behind me in a big truck where tailgating me with their high beams on. I just tried to ignore them and focus on driving but... (Continued)
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5. (Continued) I just tried to ignore them and focus on driving, but then they pass me and start flooring it as we're approaching a 4 way intersection. They managed to cut in front of me just in time to make the turn. (Well, sort of) so we're both turning left, and they floor it out of the intersection and lose control, almost take out a fence and mailbox on the right side of the road, spin across the street off the left shoulder, through the ditch and back onto the road again.
They finally managed to stop but were sideways across both lanes in front of me. So I just lay on my horn, until they finally move. Then as they're pulling away they decide to floor it again. At this point, I was right near my house, so I didn't get to see if they crashed, but I like to think they did.
6. Was out for dinner with my then-fiancee (now wife) and her dad, my (now) father-in-law. He's a bit of a dick to her, he got divorced and re-married, loves those kids more than my wife, gives her crap over too many things, etc. etc.
So we're at the end of dinner, father-in-law offers to pay for the meal. OK, that's nice. My wife asks to get her leftovers boxed and she'll take them home. He starts with "well, you'll just leave them in the fridge, then they'll just get thrown out, blah blah". I tell him "Listen, it's not your fridge, leave her alone". (She and I live together at this point).
He gets all mad, "Don't tell me how to raise my daughter!"
I reply "Then don't speak to my fiancee that way!"
He literally throws the bill & folder thing at me and says "FINE! YOU EFFING PAY THEN" and storms out.
OK, now everyone is pissed. I am, my fiancee is saying "Why did you have to start something??" etc. So I pay the bill and I'm just waiting for the receipt. Like we're waiting 10 minutes here, what the hell is going on? Tensions are rising, her dad is waiting outside, just building up steam and ready to blow once we get out there. I ask the waiter, "Can I just get our bill and go?" "Oh no sir, you have to wait for the manager".
Turns out they have a contest running where "every bill is a winner". Normally you'll win a free drink, or appetizer with your next meal. Well we won the GRAND PRIZE, a trip for 4 to Florida.
Whoever pays gets the prize. WELL GUESS WHAT? I PAID BECAUSE YOU STORMED OUT LIKE A JERK. KARMA'S A WITCH.
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7. I was merging on the highway yesterday and this person in a bright green Porsche cuts me off and wouldn't let me in. I almost got into an accident, but luckily nobody was merging behind me, so I managed to merge onto the highway going 20 miles per hour.
He zipped ahead going about 90-95
About 30 minutes later, I slow down because I see a state trooper pulled someone over. I noticed it was a bright green Porsche. Suck it.
8. Negative experience: Well, it wasn't negative for me.....
I was coming on to a freeway with my big rig, signalling and smoothly switching lanes while keeping half an eye on a car behind me that had been crowding me pretty hard. It was raining. As soon as he hit the merge ramp that he happened to be following me up, he gunned it in an attempt to pass me -- cutting into the no-drive zone (clearly marked as such. It's called the "gore point", btw. Trivia). Problem being: My cab is 60' ahead of him. I'm already legally merging, and 50% of my whole rig already occupies the lane he wants. I guess if you have your head in your ass, it's easy to assume that the truck in front of you consists of nothing more than just the final 10' of the trailer. I don't know why, but this dude (and it's almost always a dude that does this) FLIPS OUT.
He screeches so hard back into his lane that I (Continued)
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8. (Continued) He screeches so hard back into his lane that I can literally feel the road tremble. He's blaring his horn, flashing his lights -- and I'm just cruising, calm as anything. I watch traffic in my drive-side mirror and when I see a break, I suspect what's coming.... Yep. He jerks in to the left lane, floors it, gets beside my cab honking the whole way. He serves at me (It's wet out, I do not react. Too dangerous.) and then cuts me off. Meh; expected. Here's the delicious surprise: He jerks into place in front of me, jams his brakes and just totally loses control of his vehicle. It is suddenly sideways at 45mph. I'm nowhere near him, having already slowed. As I watch, his car continues to spin until it's facing me, then it whips back forward while heading straight into the ditch, where it plows earth like a farm tool. In front of all of us there on the freeway. I'm stopped, the left lane has stopped and we're just watching as this guy slowly gets out of his car, which looks pretty damaged -- or at least really stuck. I see that other drivers are getting out to render aid, and some are on their phones.... So I just gear up outta there nice and calm. Insta-karma. Felt awesome.
9. A few years ago, my infant son couldn't sleep, so we walked out to my local supermarket to get some basics and blow off steam. I look terrible: Sleep deprived, grumpy, disheveled and bedraggled. Yes, just like any other new parent. My son was in a sling on my belly. I don't remember what I was purchasing, but as I was checking out, the woman behind me stepped forward and said: "Please let me pay for this. I've always wanted to help out like this." Now, I was actually pretty well off, despite my appearance -- but she wanted this, and I didn't have very much to buy so I graciously thanked her and walked out, both of us smiling. Was a beautiful night, my son was finally asleep so I just loitered and eventually noticed someone trying in vain to start a car. Yep -- it was the lovely young woman who "helped" me out. :) I'm a decent mechanic, happened to be toting a multi-tool around with me, and it was a fast and easy thing to get her running. Felt awesome.
10. A woman was 70 cents short on her purchase, so I let it go.
When counting her change I noticed a 1960 silver dime.
11. I still don't understand how it happened.
I go through periods of insomnia, and I have stayed up through countless nights over the years. One such night probably about 1.5 years ago, I went to 7-11 at like 6:30 a.m. for I don't remember what. On the way out I see this homeless guy called Joe. I've seen him around my city (Norfolk, VA) for years. Anyways, I see him and as usual he's asking for change. I don't mind helping this guy out, as he legitimately needs food. So I go back in and buy him 2 microwave 7-11 hamburgers, and heat them up. I give him the burgers and proceed to Tropical Smoothie which opens at 7 a.m. I park the car and open the door, look down and what do I see? A fresh $20 on the white line of the parking spot. Nice. So that's cool but then this is the really crazy part: I come back out of Tropical Smoothie and as I approach my car, what do I find? Another $20. In the exact same spot. I checked my pocket, the first one was still there. A glitch in the matrix?
12. I'm an old guy (46) and I use to buy newspapers
One day I paid for one, but took two papers (because I was sick of co-workers rifling through MY paper). As I walked off with both newspapers, I noticed that (Continued)
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12. (Continued) As I walked off with both newspapers, I noticed that my shirt tail got stuck in the newspaper box when it slammed shut. I had to put in another $0.25 to get my shirt out.
13. My brother and I were stuck in a friends house because they had a wild guard dog that broke its chain. My brother pushes me out, so I have to run to the gate as the dog chases me. I managed to escape and went home. My brother got home 30 minutes later and went to bed crying because I told my mum he was sleeping over and I ate his dinner.
14. In line at Wendy's and a gentleman realize he had misplaced his wallet. He ran to and from his car very flustered and jumped on the phone with his wife to have her look for it and drive to the Wendy's. While he wasn't paying attention I stepped in front of him and payed the $8 bucks for his food. We were both obviously on our lunch breaks and it was just a lame situation for the guy, so I felt bad, even though he drove a Lexus.
Guy insists that I don't, I said too late bro. Patted him on the shoulder and said pay it forward with a smile.
He approached my table and told me that was one of the nicest things he had ever witnessed, then he told me to come across the street after I get off of work the tailor/suit shop. So I paid 8 bucks for a guy's lunch and got a custom 800 dollar suit.
15. I was pulled over by police for speeding (2nd time in 30+ years driving). Before the officer got out of his car I made sure my window was rolled down, shut my truck off, turned on interior light (it was night time), and put both of my hands on the steering wheel. He told me how much he appreciated this and sent me on my way with a verbal warning to pay attention to speed limit.
16. I saw this lost dog sign in the neighborhood... the dog had a distinct face, so when I saw it, only a few blocks away, I picked it up and took it home... the whole famn damily was there, and they all cried and thanked me. The next week when I started a new year of high school, the husband/father was my english teacher. I didn't do zilch and made an A in that class.
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17. Me, my brother, and our friend decided to be funny and get on an elevator ahead of our other friend so we could get to the hotel room first and lock our other friend out for pitz n giggles. We got trapped on the elevator for an hour and a half while our other friend that we ditched got to chill by the pool for that time. I guess we deserved it.
18. I work at a summer camp with several local kids and one day we took a field trip to the zoo. As we were getting ready to leave (Continued)
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a boy from a troubled family went through the gift shop and wanted a souvenir stuffed monkey. He had 5 quarters which was not nearly enough for this monkey (which for the record was incredibly overpriced anyway). He went to the checkout and the lady was unable to sell him the monkey for the mere $1.25. The boy, broken hearted walked out and boarded the bus. I felt the need to buy the monkey for him so I did, and I gave it to his mom to give to him when she picked him up. The boy and his mom are not very close for unknown reasons but I felt this token from her could help their relationship. The boy was ecstatic when he was presented the monkey. It's things like that why I work at the camp. Every kid deserves to be happy.
19. I found a purse left in a cart outside a store I used to work at, against policy I opened the purse and found a name and then contacted the lady, and it was her purse and she was frantic looking for it. So I waited at the store after hours for her to come by and get the purse, and she gave me an envelope, also to open when I got home, which turned out to be almost exactly how much I was short on rent. $120.
20. I used to be such a dick of a 6-year old.
One time I was on a bus with my older brother coming home from soccer practice. We were seated at the back right next to the big rear window. For some odd reason I thought it'd be funny to show traffic behind us all the angles of my middlefinger while staring at them with the most obnoxious facial expressions. I would wait until the bus got to a stop and proceed to do my thing when the bus shut it's door and accelerated away.
I was getting bored as most people would just ignore it and the reactions weren't as amusing. I decided my game needed more thrill. Instead of flipping off oncoming traffic my main target changed to pedestrians.
Here's where it goes wrong...
The bus got to a stop, picked up the waiting people and I had found my new target; a very buff man. As I hear my "cue" which was the noise of the doors closing I proceeded to up my game by showing him both of my fingers and sticking out my tongue. This guy however, built like an athlete, looking mad as heck, didn't think it was all that funny. He sprinted alongside the bus, matching it's speed for at least a block until the bus arrived at the next stop. The bus was not that packed but the people who were in it witnessed this big chunk of rage giving chase and getting on to the bus. I cowered behind my brother's back in tears who had until now been oblivious to my shenanigans.
Turned out the guy was pretty cool about it and just told me not to do it again. He even gave me a piece of bubblegum afterwards.
21. Adopting a greyhound. Wherever we go, dog people tell us how great we are for rescuing a greyhound.
Truth be told, we (Continued)
just got him because we heard they were lazy and we didn't want a hyper pup. Rescuing him was just a bonus.
22. One time when I was about 8, me and my older sister were fighting over a seat. This seat was godlike and was the softest and coldest in the summer heat. She won the arguement with brute force and sat down on it in victory. There was a wasp lodged into the cushions stinger exposed, right where she sat. She is allergic and was crying the whole day.
23. I was a $10/hr. employee at a ski resort, found a wallet with $500 in it which I turned in. Later I was called to the office to meet the man who owned the wallet. He gave me $100 as reward.
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24. Back in high school I was a cart boy for a grocery store, one afternoon it was really crappy out, pouring and windy as heck. This new black Escalade pulls up next to me while I'm pushing about 10 carts. The guy gets out and yells at me saying I better not scratch his truck because, "Heads will roll", I'm not in any way endangering his new car, but he proceeds to yell and warn me. Just as he finishes yelling at me, a sign from the Pizzeria next door crashes into the side of his truck. That made my night a little better, even if I was soaked.
25. One day Im walking out of a 7-11 after I just bought a double gulp and cookies (yes I was a little chunker) and put it in my backpack, just to realize that my bus is coming. So to get across the street I jaywalk through cars stopped at a red, only to get clapped by a Suburban.. So I fly a couple feet, roll on my back, land on my feet and run like hell to my bus stop. I jump on the bus only to remember that I ROLLED ON MY BACPACK.. when I open it up, the double gulp and cookies are there unharmed, calling my name.. This story isn't really an instant karma type but to heck with it, wanted to share.
26. Pulled into a parking lot to go pick up a little kitten we saw curled up on the ground. Immediately ran out of gas, If we hadn't pulled in there, we would have run out of gas in the middle of a busy, traffic-heavy road. Bonus: kitten!
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27. My personal favorite is when a car comes speeding past you, but 30 seconds later, you meet them at the traffic lights. This never ceases to entertain me...
Ok, who is watching the clock? Those seconds aren't going to count themselves. The only way to understand time is to be its witness. Although that can get depressing. Let's focus on the light and cool.
History...
Calculate Figure It Out GIF by OriginalsGiphy"If you are an 80-year-old American, you have lived through approximately 1/3 of our nation's entire history."
Those Days...
"The 80s were 40 years ago."
"This is what messes me up because I was born in 82 and graduated high school in 2000 so for some reason my brain is stuck on the 80's being twenty years ago. The 70's thirty years ago etc etc. I have to stop and realize sometimes that my concept of how long ago things happened is way off."
Time goes by...
"We observe that light travels at 186,000 miles a second, but given the vast size of the observable universe, that's a snail's pace. But from the point of view of a particle of light, time doesn't even exist."
"Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, and theoretically stops completely when you reach the speed of light."
Years Gone By...
"MLK Jr. and Anne Frank were born in the same year."
"Betty White was born in 1922. Automatically pre-sliced packaged bread loaves became commercially available in 1928. Betty White is six years older than sliced bread."
Long Live the Queen!
queen elizabeth images GIFGiphy"The queen and Marilyn Monroe would've been the same age."
"And Marilyn Monroe and Andy Griffith were born on the same day!"
- osme1
I swear Liz is going to outlive dirt. Wait, I believe she already has. Well she won't be alone, she'll have Betty White. At least she better have Betty. Time is nothing without Queen Betty.
TV Time
Season 2 Omg GIF by Paramount+Giphy"Happy Days was a TV show made in the 1970s-80s about teenagers in the 1950s. Similarly, That 70s Show was made in the 90s-00s about teenagers in the 70s. If a similar show were to be made today, it would be about teenagers in the 2000s."
- VVillyD
A Croc
"If a T-Rex imagined a creature as ancient as the T-Rex is to us, it would be a Stegosaurus. If that Stegosaurus imagined a creature as ancient as the Stegosaurus is to us, it would be a Crocodile. If that Crocodile imagined a creature as ancient as that Crocodile is to us, it would be a Shark."
On the Clock
"On a twenty four hour clock the amount of time that humans have been on the earth would total around five seconds."
"How about this one: If Homo Habilus first appeared at midnight, 24 hours ago, that means the first Homo Sapiens appeared at 9:25 PM, or about 2 and a half hours ago. The first human civilization, in lower Mesopotamia, appeared at 11:57 PM, or about 3 minutes ago."
"The Western Roman Empire fell at 11:59 PM, or 1 minute ago. Everything that has happened since - the Crusades, the Plague, the discovery of the New World, the world wars, all of it - has happened in the last minute of human existence."
And that's just OUR Sun...
"The span of our lives are so insignificantly small that our Sun will last another 5 billion years. That's 9 zeros people. Our eldest live to around 100 in the best places. That's 50,000,000 (50 million) times longer than any person can reasonably expect to live. And that's just OUR Sun. The universe as a whole has probably existed for magnitudes longer than that already and will continue to exist until the end of time as we know it."
Tell Me a Story
william shakespeare GIF by will herringGiphy"We know what a good storyteller Shakespeare was but there were Greek playwrights who wrote shows nearly 2,000 years earlier that are pretty good, too."
I hate time. Only because I'm petty and irritated of the amount I squandered. That's neither here nor there though. Time marches on and continues to amaze. I'll keep watching.
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