Today alone, I got five calls. My biggest question is who thinks this is a good idea? Why would I buy something from someone who is actively trying to drive me insane? Whoever is on the other end... I don't dislike you... I hate you and I'm not alone.
OK
No Way Reaction GIF by FreeformGiphyThere's a great spam baiting video on YouTube (for the Nigerian Prince type of email) where the guy just responds to every email with 'OK'. I'd imagine that would work pretty well on the phone as well.
Act Up
Act like you're on board, but enthusiastically misunderstand everything.
Spam caller: hi we've been trying to reach you concerning your car's extended warranty please tell us the make and model of your car.
Op: OMG I'M GETTING A NEW CAR YES YES YES I'VE BEEN NEEDED ONE FOR SO LONG!
spam caller: wait for sir no we need the-
Op crying: I finally get to go and see the world and be happy. My job will hire me back and life will go on! Thank you kind stranger!
Hello?
I play dumb. Like, really freaking dumb. I use my best Valley Girl accent with plenty of upticks.
Car insurance spam? "I like, don't believe in cars? Because like? They're like, a government conspiracy to like, make you pay gas? Like, they don't exist?"
For some reason they never call again.
Tech Stuff
Computer Working GIFGiphyTwenty minutes into trying to solve my "computer issues". "Sorry can I just ask, does my computer need to be on while doing this?"
The Old Beater
Throughout my life I have always owned at least one old beater car. So sometimes when I get those car warranty calls I will tell them that I would love to get my warranty extended on my 1980s oldsmobile or whatever I own at the time. I then launch into a list of all the things that are wrong with it at the time.
"Does this cover the frame rot I'm experiencing? What about the rust hole forming at the door? No? Okay what about the door seals that have gone to rot? No? Okay what about the exhaust? I think there is a slight leak maybe it is the header rusting through a little. No? Okay well what about the engine burning oil? Will you guys cover that?"
Let me Look..
My grandma was asked about her computer she told them she will look for it. Left the phone for 45 minutes. Came back saying she never found one as she doesn't own one. I love her so much.
Better off...
My cousin was out working in the back fields of his property and got a spam call claiming that he owed thousands of dollars to the IRS or something. Quick on his feet he started sobbing to the guy, saying that he had just found out that his wife was cheating, and she was going to leave him. Last week his dog had got hit by a truck. How he was really far behind on all sorts of payments.
And now he learns that how owes thousands to the IRS. He tells the caller that he just doesn't see how he can go on living. That he'd be better off dead. Cousin pulls his pistol and fires a round. The scammer was quite distraught through it all.
Hey Youngin'
phone foot GIF by AFV BabiesGiphyI give the phone to my toddler. They usually hang up after a couple minutes of babble and button pushing.
Vengeance...
There is a CD made by Tom Mabe called "Revenge On The Telemarketers". This is him recording calls and messing with telemarketers. Most of the jokes are ok, but one stands out.
A carpet cleaning business called him. He responds with "Oh thank God you called, can you get blood out of the carpet?"
They respond with "Yes"
He goes on with "I mean a LOT of blood, it's everywhere"...
This goes on for a while.
In an interview I found on PBS, he explained that the telemarketer called the cops on him because of that call. The police showed up and checked out the house to find there was no blood and he explained it was just him messing with a telemarketer. One cop found it hilarious, the other was not amused.
Jerry Said...
seinfeld GIF by HULUGiphyThe Seinfeld response.
"I'm busy right now but if you give me your home phone, I'll call later this evening."
"Sorry sir, I can't do that"
"Oh you don't want strangers calling you at home? Now you know how I feel." ... click...
High Crimes
About a week ago a spam caller called me AGAIN and this time I was like "Did you hide the body?" and the person on the other line was like "What?" they REALLY sounded scared.
Samies...
I used to keep getting called by the same caller for about a month, they would constantly say that my car needed insurance (I already have car insurance) so I responded with the exact bs that they said to me, they instantly shut up and after about a minute of waiting for them to respond I hung up.
Lemme Think...
Just pretend interested, but never say anything like that can be considered as "yes", always with "maybe", then say something like "I have to check with my mom, just a sec." Then just place the phone somewhere else without hanging up, and ignore them until they close the line. It's their time you're wasting. Forget them. I think my record is 26min keeping them on the line while I was playing online poker.
Dead!
dead seth meyers GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphyI always do the forcefully awkward "yea he's dead. He past away over the weekend."
Open Line
So I work at a call center but it's for actual bills that people signed legal agreements for, for assets they are paying on. When people do this I just let the line remain open until they need to use their phone again because I don't want to call someone else. Eventually they hang up.
Also our management doesn't monitor our OB calls. Heh.
The Survey
I ask them to tell me the name of their company. As they do that, I am typing www.ftc.gov and opening up a complaint form. Then I ask them to spell the name of the company, ask for the address and the company phone number in case we get disconnected. Once I complete the complaint form, I say, "Ok, got all your info, the complaint has been filed with the FTC. Good day."
And I hang up.
For those calling to 'survey me', I ask if they are paying for my time. When they say, "no," I say, "then we are done talking because my time is worth money" and hang up the phone. The first time my kids heard me do this they were stunned. Now they do the same thing.
Morgue
season 13 episode 22 GIFGiphyI answer " Adams county morgue" all but 1 hung up. When he started talking I said " sir this is the morgue, and acted like I was yelling to a coworker about the head being in separate area " Click.
Moshi-Moshi
I'd answer the phone with "Moshi Moshi". People who actually know me know I'm an ex-weeb and just being weird, but spam callers will put you down as a non-English speaker and not call you because they can't communicate.
If you get the one spam caller who can speak Japanese, start answering with "coi rodo". If you find a spam caller who can speak Lojban let the authoring group know.
The Interrupt...
Spam caller: Hello, I'm calli
interrupt them
You: can you give me a second? (wait 15secs) Ok I'm back. How can I help you.
Spam caller: Yes, I'm callin
You: Please hold. (wait 30 seconds) I'm back.
Spam caller: We're calling abo
You: Please hold.
Rinse and repeat.
All great suggestions. Now let's implement in real time and see if we get the responses we were hoping for. Of course, ignoring the call is still always an option.
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