People Break Down Which Illegal Things They Did Regularly Without Realizing They Were Actually Against The Law
Growing up, lots of us had parents who would tell us that driving with the cabin light on at night was illegal. In most places, it isn't. Those same parents then neglected to tell us about a whole bunch of stuff we might be into was technically the wrong side of legal.
Yeah, there are a lot of laws about sex so you're probably out here being a criminal not even knowing it.
The Chinese Lady In The Chicken Shop<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQ3MzQ3My9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMDYyNjU3Mn0.wb-v5EFK3lo7ECWTy3ZEyO02QFnvafcxtCvHG6i_bto/img.gif?width=980" id="bda40" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="75669345ac5b0a4647cb6cdc43c6f0b9" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="454" data-height="446" />Chicken Omg GIF by reactionseditorGiphy<p>When I was a kid I thought it was normal that we could buy movies the day after they came out from the Chinese lady in the chicken shop. I didn't realize it was a crime until middle school when I told someone my grandma had Avatar on DVD and they said that was impossible since the movie was still in theaters. Chinese lady was a real professional she knew how to get a good video.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7ssjfc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Western-Results8780</a></p>
The Neighbor's Yard<p>Trespassing. As a kid (think 6, 7) my younger brother and I would go over into our neighbor's yard (he had a fantastic garden) and play quietly. He never said anything; he was a WWII vet and lived alone. I guess we amused him.</p><p>When he died, a new family moved into the house. We continued our ventures into the yard and the family must've found out, because we walked over one day to be met with a locked fence. Our days of playtime were over.</p><p>Apparently he lived alone because he had disowned his son for being gay, and once his wife died he stopped coming around. When he was dying my dad and mom visited him because no one else was. He was delirious and thought my dad was his son and started apologizing and saying he should've been a better dad. </p><p>The son in question never showed up to visit - but when he came to the neighborhood to look at the house, my dad told him what his father had said. He broke down sobbing.</p><p><span></span>I guess we were like the grandchildren he never had. Either way this whole story was more depressing than I thought so I'm going to grab some tissues.</p><p><span></span>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7suq3z?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">_theaidreader13_</a></p>
Olive Samples<p>I used to think the little olive kiosks in grocery stores were samples. I would always leave with a little produce bag of various olives and enjoy my treat on the ride home. I had odd tastes as a kid.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7sofsx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">menstrually-unstable</a></p>
Yellowstone<p>Until I saw the sign posted as I <em>exited</em> Yellowstone National Park, I was unaware that it's illegal to make elk noises at the elk!</p><p>I'd been riding around on my motorcycle making elk noises all week! They <em>love</em> it. They all look up and stare at you as you ride past.</p><p><span></span>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7soqmh?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">cortechthrowaway</a></p>
Piracy As A Business Model<p>I once had this coworker that was always coming up with hair-brained business schemes. One day he comes in and start going on this rant about how he's going to become a millionaire. </p><p>He explains that he recently purchased like 10,000 SD cards from China, and he got a card reader for them. They cost like $0.50 each or something, and he's all like "But they can hold up to 10 GB of data each! That's enough for like four movies, and I can sell them for like $20 each!" </p><p>He goes on to talk about the incredible margins his new business is going to have, and how he just needs to earn back enough so he can afford to upgrade to a "multi card reader." Also, his big plan was to put this stuff on "my Myspace" and then mail the cards to people. </p><p>At this point I'm feeling bad for the guy since he's obviously already dumped $$$ into this, but figured it's better for him to lose that than land himself in prison. So I'm like, "dude, you realize that's illegal right? You're going to get FBI coming after you for movie piracy." </p><p>The look on his face, just like, completely defeated. Felt sorry for him, but seriously?</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7tp5zc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">eblingdp</a></p>
Is The Silverware Sanitary<p>As a teen living in the US, (Utah to be specific), and I was really questioning the sanitation of the utensils in the high school cafeteria. So I was carrying a multi-purpose tool with me that had a fork and a spoon on it. </p><p>However, I wasn't aware that it had a fully functional blade on it, 3 and 3/4 inches to be precise. </p><p>Oops.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7ssje1?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">SilentTempestLord</a></p>
Do Not Touch The Art<img lazy-loadable="true" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQ3MzQ5MS9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY3NTEwMDk2M30.ADZggRiSrsYV3Gb7TH8QS_GjOiTKbHIKxr6quq3nvqU/img.gif?width=980" id="d285e" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="f9c0a326009474972b175dac72c2b469" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="480" data-height="366" />art glitch GIF by G1ft3dGiphy<p>Had a friend who liked to touch all the paintings in museums. She had been doing this her whole life, thought it was totally normal, and had just happened never to get caught. She did not believe me when I told her that you aren't allowed to. </p><p>We got kicked out of the museum.</p><p>Or rather, she got kicked out and I left with her. She walked down a row of paintings and dragged her hand across every one of them. A pretty pissed off looking guard asked her to "please leave." </p><p>No dramatic scene or anything, probably could have stayed if she'd explained that she really didn't know but she was pretty embarrassed by the whole thing so we just hustled out.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7t2txj?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">gayvoter97</a></p>
Forging<p>Forging signatures. </p><p>When I was younger because my mom wouldn't sign something or didn't have the time. It looked exactly the same too... By younger I mean 8.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7tbotl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Interrogator999</a></p>
Missed That Sign<p>Back when my ex was a barista at Starbucks I would drive her to work every day at 4AM and take a specific route.</p><p>Thought nothing of it and the route became muscle memory.</p><p>One day she asks me to pick her up early and I take the usual route. After I make a right turn on a red light (perfectly legal in the US) I suddenly get those dreaded lights behind me.</p><p>The police officer came up to my window and asked for my credentials. Fine...I thought. I considered myself a very competent driver up to this point and had never gotten into a crash or so much as a ticket.</p><p>She comes back and the conversation went something like this:</p><p>Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?</p>
Rail Yard Police<p>I make a lot of things out of wood and metal. </p><p>I didn't know how aggressive rail yards can be about their sh!t. A few times in my life I've found railroad spikes partially buried in pebbles up to ten feet away from the track, and I've taken those to make knives and jewelry with. </p><p>Turns out they do not like it when people take their rusted, busted junk that they leave to the elements.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7ssr6e?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Wrylis</a></p>
Dude Just Wanted The Shady Spot<p>Fishing without a license. </p><p>Had a male Karen accost me over not having a fishing license a few months ago. I had no idea that was an actual thing or that it mattered for catch-and-release ponds. </p><p>He basically threatened to call the cops on my friends and I because we didn't have fishing licenses so we had to stop fishing and leave. </p><p>Keep in mind, this was a large catch-and-release pond with a nature center that you could rent poles from and buy that shitty green marshmallow bait. The dude just wanted the shady spot where you could catch bass to himself.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7wh0v0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">MrLionOtterBearClown</a></p>
Boating and Entering<p>Back when I was in sixth grade my friend (who was older than me) and I went to a boat marina in the parking lot where all the boats were stored cause it was winter time . The boats would be covered by a white plastic seal material and we would unzip them and go inside peoples boats cabin. </p><p>I never knew it was illegal.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7wfnlo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">idkmanecat</a></p>
The Wrong Flashlight<p>Owning the wrong type of flashlight.</p><p>Around 25 years ago i was looking for a flashlight and found a good one at a store specializing in camping and hunting goods. Since it came with a mounting bracket the salesperson pointed out that (here in germany) attaching a flashlight to a firearm is illegal. I don't even own any firearms, so i didn't care much and put the light in my toolbox.</p><p>A few years later i found out that the actual wording of the law states that a "flashlight designed to be attached to a weapon" is an illegal item and just owning the light and the bracket can be considered a crime.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7w6kwx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Dr_Allcome</a></p>
Everybody's Yards<p>Trespassing. When I was a kid, literally the entire neighborhood was my playground. I was all up in EVERYBODIES yards. Frontyards, backyards. I would run around with my crazy imagination and fight all kinds of armies and monsters and dragons, aliens, zombies, demons. I would pick up any rock in anyones yard I thought looked cool and bring it back to my own collection. I climbed every tree around, ate from this one guys orange tree, and even made orange juice a few times. Played in all of the ditches, and climbed through all of the giant piles of tree clippings anytime someone trimmed a tree</p><p>But I also made friends with every kid around, and was invited into all of their houses to play video games. My childhood was wild. </p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7w0m98?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">raemnant</a></p>
Hitting The Highway<p>I grew up in a rural Appalachian area, We would ride our dirt bikes on the highway all the time. Usually just a few miles to the next dirt road - but it never occurred to us that a 13 yr old riding on the highway with no drivers license no insurance and no license plate was against the law. Not until the new state trooper assigned to the three counties started chasing us. </p><p>The sheriffs department only had one deputy and they just waved at us. As long as you weren't doing wheelies on the wrong side of the highway or something they didn't care.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7vx840?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">SnooHabits8041</a></p>
As Far As Authorities Are Concerned<p><strong></strong>I used to catch mice in a little box in the shop I worked at and would release them outside. We had poison down and glue traps but never caught anything and I felt this was more humane (I would take them to a little park nearby)</p><p>It wasn't until a few months after doing this that a park warden told me they were vermin and it was illegal to catch and release that I realized. I checked and in the city I live in, yes it is considered illegal.</p><p>I also used to mod and paint Nerf guns so they resembled firearms for Cosplay purposes, they were non working and rendered safe props but painting them black is a no-no as far as the Metropolitan Police are concerned.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/j5jfwq/whats_an_illegal_thing_you_used_to_do_on_a/g7vve92?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Glith_in_the_Pink</a></p>
No one forgets their first broken bone.
I could barely walk when I broke my first (and thankfully only) bone; my mother slipped and fell on ice while holding me, and my skull was cracked. My face is subtly yet noticeably asymmetrical as a result.
Redditor u/burriters1 dared to ask, "How did you break your first bone?" and people happily shared all the funny, embarrassing, and gory details.
10. The insane gym teacher
"Gym teacher in high school was also obsessive basketball coach. Would wax the floors once a year and threaten students within an inch of their life not to ruin them. So, we stopped wearing shoes in gym class. Freshly waxed basketball court + socks = lots of broken things."
9. I didn't know this could happen, poor babies!
"I was born, they had to break my collar bone to safely birth me."
8. The reason there's warning screens
"My Mum accidentally hit me with a Wii Remote while playing Baseball in Wii Sports and completely shattered my left hand. She told me before to stay away, so I guess it was my own fault, this was around 8 years ago at the age of 14"
7. This brother is a Kevin McCallister wannabeGiphy
"My brother set up a booby trap by spraying shaving cream all over the floor and I slipped and fell and broke my finger. I was 11."
6. Watch where you're running!
"I was sprinting trying to get the ball in football and this short b****** walks in front of me and I jumped out of the way and there you go, I broke my leg. I was 13"
5. Stuntman in the making
"About 4 or 5, after watching Evil Knievel jump something on TV I tried to 'jump' my tricycle down the 3 steps on our front porch. Cracked my skull and got my first concussion."
4. Overall, it was a great gift
"Brand new roller skates for Christmas. Third day I had them I hit a gravel patch, braced myself for the fall and broke my right wrist."
3. Are you excused from gym class forever when this happens?
"I was on 2nd grade playing football with a bunch of 5th graders and I was the goalie, one of them kicked the ball towards the goal but it was a really strong kick for 2nd grade me, and when I tried to block the ball it knocked my hand into the post and I broke most of my fingers, not a pleasantday experience."
2. In the doctor’s defense, rubber gloves are slippery
"Broke my collar bone as soon as I came into this world. Slipped out of the doctor's hands apparently."
1. I am guilty of becoming a tornadoGiphy
"Was watching Taz from Looney Tunes do his 'tornado' thing. I decided to imitate him by doing spinning jumps on the sofa. You can guess how it went."
Listen to me ... once again ... women do not urinate from our vaginas. I'll rephrase and say it louder for the folks in the back, WE HAVE A URETHRAL OPENING FOR THAT. IF URINE IS COMING FROM A WOMANS VAGINA THEN SHE NEEDS MEDICAL INTERVENTION.
Mid-Flight<p>I thought toilet waste was just dropped out of airplanes mid flight and disintegrated in thin air.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fardmdm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">I_AmTheGovernment</a></p>
Gobble<p>I had to explain to my friend last year (28YO) that the turkey we saw in the farm park was the same animal as the turkey dinner she was eating. She knew this about chicken, but... just never made that mental connection about turkey.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/farijmv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">pianobarbarian1</a></p>
Ripe<p>That the different coloured capsicums (bell peppers) are the same thing just at different ripeness.</p><p>-<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fardrhz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank"> necessary_profile</a></p>
They're Real<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjE5NzUyNC9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2MzQ1NzMxOX0.Ct8Y3w8tofDQWAFtrBDfwePFn8cPsyJx5W33ki6fxZk/img.gif?width=980" id="ad0a3" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="76dcbea492d8b4df00b069ecd920e2a7" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Giphy<p>When I was 28 I learned that flying fish are a real animal. I thought they were pretend, like unicorns!</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/farqpwc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">fishnugget1</a></p>
An Innocent Idiot<p>I thought men had periods.</p><p>Hear me out, my parents and my school weren't great when it came to sex ed. When I turned 11 my nan of all people gave me a puberty book. It was really low quality looking back. It was aimed at girls but had a small section about boys' anatomy during sex. It said blood went to the penis and nothing else. I was an innocent idiot so my brain filled in the rest. So for the next 5+ years, I thought boys bleed after orgasm. </p><p>My current boyfriend was so confused when I told him why I didn't want to have sex. *facepalm*</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/favdkd1?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">JandC2015</a></p>
A Different Kind Of Space<p>There was a big building called "The Space Center" that we'd always pass by and for the longest time I thought it was like a space camp sorta place. I was well into the teens when it finally clicked.</p><p>It's a storage facility. So yeah that was a major letdown on all fronts.</p><p><span></span>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/farool3?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">WhenBuyIt</a></p>
Puff Puff<p>Pufferfish puff up with water, not air. It's so obvious and it never even occurred to me. I only realized how stupid I was when I read a reddit comment about a year ago pointing the fact out.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fassrfa?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">AgnosticMantis</a></p>
The R<p>That the month is pronounced and spelled February and not 'Febuary' despite being born in that month.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/farovle?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">jetpacksheep</a></p><p>I spotted the R when I was 26..</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/farx3s0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">HowTheHellDoIDo</a></p>
12 Days Of Christmas<p>The twelve days of Christmas are from Christmas to the Feast of the Epiphany sometimes called Three Kings Day on January 6th. I was raised Catholic. It's a holy day of obligation. I just never counted the days. I even wondered why it's 12 days in the song.</p><p>The fact that it's called epiphany stings a bit. I'm 45.</p><p><span></span>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fas4vqu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">prolific-lurker</a></p>
That Weird Buick<p>How <em>rendezvous</em> and <em>dachshund</em> are pronounced. I knew what the words were when spoken, obviously, but every time I'd see them written I'd get stuck. I'd try to sound them out. </p><p>I remember being stuck behind a Buick Rendezvous in traffic and sounding it out phonetically and thinking to myself "well that's a weird thing to name a car." ... In my mid 20s.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/faroqdk?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">JaggedUmbrella</a></p>
Adult Teeth<p>Not me, but I was talking to my best friend about how I have a lisp since the accident last year that left me without several teeth.</p><p>He replied with 'Wait, it's been a year? Why haven't they grown back?'</p><p>Me- WTF do you mean? Teeth don't grow back.</p><p>Him- No no they don't grow back, but wouldn't the new set have grown in yet or are they still coming in?</p><p>Me- New set? You only have one set of adult teeth.</p><p>Him- Wait what?</p><p>This man made it to 22 firmly believing you lose one set of teeth as a kid and then have TWO SETS of adult teeth</p><p>God, I wish, then I wouldn't be paying $4000 for replacement teeth.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fasyk0s?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">MidnightCiggarette</a></p>
Flowers<p>That flowers become fruit. Mind blown at 25.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fatgmya?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">PorkRoll4Initiative</a></p>
Foil Fire<p>That you can't microwave foil. I somehow reached adulthood without learning this one. Went to reheat a fast food burger, and it caught on fire. You live, you learn.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fauamao?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">theshoegazer</a></p>
A Different Teaching Method<p>I couldn't tie my shoes until i was like 12. In my defense, everybody insisted on teaching me in such a way that their hands blocked the actual process and nobody thought that was a problem and i was just being an idiot.</p><p>I only learned when my dad finally taught me by having me hold the strings and walking me through it.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fau059k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">CLTalbot</a></p>
Baby Horses<p>I'm 46, and only learned in the last 5 years or so that ponies aren't baby horses.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fatsdmw?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">CaptainHampockets</a></p>
Female Anatomy<p>I'm a guy and lived 15 years of my life thinking that babies literally grew in the stomach of their mothers. I dont know what kind of logical sense that used to make to me but i just never questioned it. And it took another 2 years when i was 17 that i learned that women didn't pee out of their vaginas. </p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/eahjgr/what_fact_did_you_learn_at_an_embarrassingly_late/fatz08c?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">Kuruan</a></p>
Married Men Explain The Dumbest Thing They Did While Dating That They Can't Believe Their Wife Overlooked
If there's one thing we learned from sourcing this article it's that men (not all men, but certainly these men) are dumb. Disastrously, dangerously, adorably dumb.
Walking Distance<p>I insisted that everything in San Francisco was walking distance from everything else, and decided we should walk from Pier 39 to Golden Gate Park. It IS walkable, but not third-date walkable, or whatever-shoes-she-happened-to-be-wearing-that-day walkable.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0au0do?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">CaughtAllTheBreaks</a></p>
Flammable<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMTExNDk3Mi9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxNzEwNDU1N30.tC5EWVGhZMAKhOeALAWsoNSSmEzOJ9Pf8bvSnTHgDwY/img.gif?width=980" id="f858b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9d4429e39a34b0ec2cf6eae153d1d274" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Giphy<p>I accidentally set her hair on fire with a match while lighting a cigarette. Not good. We are still married 29 years later. I don't smoke anymore.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0bizl5?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">stumpytoes</a></p>
"Stolen"<p>We drank a lot on our second date, Ubered home. Next day went back to get his car, and it wasn't there. He was so devastated. He just bought it recently and it was stolen. We filed a police report. Took forever and just generally sucked. We walked to his friend's house nearby, and there was his car, perfectly un-stolen. He drank so much he forgot he moved it before our date. Now, once in a while when we're trying to find our car in the grocery store parking lot or wherever, one of us will say <strong><em>"It's stolen. Call the police."</em></strong></p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0brh8b?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">loveofmoz</a></p>
Pink Burger<p>I made myself a burger for dinner before heading over to her place to hang out. Unfortunately I'm not the best cook and left a little too much pink in that burger. While we were at her house I bet her I could fit through the doggy door and crawled right through. Then she immediately closed it behind me and we raced to the front door, she won and she locked it. </p><p>Now at this exact moment my bowels decided they had enough of that burger from earlier and I felt my stomach cramp. Luckily I held it all in and ran back to the back door with my cheeks clenched and starting knocking desperately in the door. She was laughing at first but when she saw my face go suddenly serious and I said very calmly "I need you to open the door.... Now please." </p>
Tackled!<p>I once spear-tackled my then-girlfriend out of misplaced enthusiasm in high school. I was excited to see her and handled it as badly as was possible. It was in front of a bunch of our friends and I ended up knocking the wind out of her and making her cry. That was about 17 years ago, and we're still together.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0bafc0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">literalfeces</a></p>
Already Rinsed<p>We were taking a shower together and she was soaping up while I was under the hot water rinsing off. She slipped and instead of grabbing/helping her I pulled away, thinking (for some reason) that I'd already rinsed off and didn't want to get soapy. </p><p>Thank God she caught herself on the shower curtain and didn't get hurt. She was, uh, not happy. My explanation of my faulty thinking didn't help at all, either. We laugh about it now but it took some serious smoothing over at the time.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0aps7z?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Birdamus</a></p><p>Oh yea, it's not like you are in the shower and can't just rinse again. </p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0az4ea?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Stoleee</a></p>
A Sh*tty Studying Session<p>We had come back from class, her dorm was right next to the school so we walked over. Started as studying and then turned into kissing.</p><p>Once we were horizontal, I felt a shift in my guts. I was on top. I took a chance; most of my gas that day had been dry and silent so it felt safe. As soon as I let it go, I knew I was in trouble.</p><p>As I stood up and she repulsively sniffed the air. She asked if I let one rip. I simply said "I sh!t myself" and needed a ride home. We went to the movies as planned afterwards.</p><p>Pretty sure that's when I fell in love.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0azbkd?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">psychnurseguy</a></p>
Too Weird<img lazy-loadable="true" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMTExNDk4MS9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0ODc1MDY5Nn0.swnykEZCJbYiUvvkazjNpqddvDjBV3ldcfj8ceL0XKA/img.gif?width=980" id="d9630" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="bd082b987d040e12ebb6ba5b312322ec" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />Giphy<p>Played Weird Al CDs non-stop for a 6-hour car trip to the beach.</p><p>She didn't ditch me but haven't been allowed to play Weird Al in her presence for the past 24 years. Got tickets to see him this year on our anniversary and knew better than to ask her to join me so I took a couple of my kids that appreciate the finer things in life. Best anniversary gift ever. Great show.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0bnrgx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">homepup</a></p>
Tool Tattoos<p>On my first date with my wife, we got to talking about tattoos. I have a rule that if I have an idea for a tattoo, I sit on it for a while to see if I really would still want it. I mentioned this to her and explain how glad I am that I do this because otherwise I'd be covered in Tool (the band) tattoos or some "other dumb sh!t". </p><p>She rolled up her sleeve to show me that she had the lyrics to one of their songs tattooed across her arm. The lyrics are "All this pain is an illusion" from Parabola.</p><p>For the record, I don't really hate Tool. I just used to be super into them in high school and have since grown out of them. I still put them on once in a while.</p><p>My oldest brother unironically has a Creed tattoo on his leg. There's always somebody out there who has it worse than you.</p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0c1m4w?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank">thevagrant88</a></p>
Who?<p>I forgot her name once when introducing her to a friend. This was maybe a month into our relationship. I was all like, <strong><em>"hey and by the way this is.... uhhh.... my girlfriend."</em></strong></p><p>- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d4en0j/married_men_of_reddit_what_was_that_dumb_thing/f0bmuu7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">RMBK</a></p>
I'm seriously an expert on hurting myself in dumb ways. I blew up my gallbladder eating too much Channukah gelt, glitter literally almost killed me and about a week ago I may or may not have accidentally challenged a peacock to a dance-off. It didn't end well for me. Peacocks be killin it, fam.