One morning at work, I was having a conversation with a co-worker. The subject was something we had discussed before: me, freaking out about possibly being let go since I was the last one hired and many businesses hadn't recovered the losses they suffered due to COVID.
My co-worker, who had previously just listened to me and offered platitudes, gave me some real advice that morning. The advice had come straight from her therapist.
"Think about your worry and think about if there is evidence to support that worry. If not, you shouldn't worry."
It seems simple, but it really helped me. While many businesses didn't recover, the company I worked for had, meaning there was no reason to worry about my job -- unless, of course, I spent so much time fretting over getting fired that my output suffered.
In an age where mental health is so important, therapists can really help with coping mechanisms, advice, and even your general outlook on life. Redditors know this is true and are ready to share some of the most valuable lessons they've learned in therapy.
It all started when Redditor figinjosejospe asked:
"What's the most valuable thing you’ve learned from therapy?"
Just Walk Away
"Sometimes it has to be YOU who needs to walk away from them. This an advice that was given to me when I had a toxic friendship that was draining me for years."
– JennFoogle
"I learned this lesson two years ago, and I am still struggling with it every day. I had a friend who is an alcoholic and a drug addict but a functional member of society. He would ALWAYS use me as an excuse by saying I am a bad influence on him when it was ALWAYS him doing drugs and just generally being a POS."
"One day he decided to try and sleep with my then spouse in my bed, I caught him, I did not immediately confront them about it but when I did she dumped me because she did not want to hurt his family..."
"Some people just need to go"
– Then_Channel_3234
"I cut off a close friend a few years ago. Long story, but I’m happy I did. Feels like I just took a huge dump."
– Scottland83
The Real Me
"No one sees the version of you that you see of yourself."
– Bazooka_Antics
"Very true! It's one of those "we are our own worst critic" situations. The way I see myself and the way I'm described by others seems dramatically different"
"Good pick!"
– appleparkfive
Just Say No
"I can say, "No" to people who won't accept a no. (100 ways to say "No" was a"homework" assignment.)"
– AQuietMan
"Additionally, "No." is a complete sentence."
"You don't have to justify no."
– coniferous-1
You Fix You
"For me, therapy taught me that my personal issues were my responsibility to fix. Blaming others accomplishes nothing. To improve, you have to take responsibility for things in your control."
– nick_otis
"This so much this! Mine told me “it’s not your fault that these things happened to you but it is your responsibility to make sure you don’t take it out on others”"
– melkyyyy
We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve
"I learned that I don’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate everyone around me at all times. I think I kind of was a pushover before and now I’m getting better at setting boundaries and standing up for myself. Not everyone in my closer circle is happy about this, but now i’m learning that it is also okay to let friendships go. I don’t owe anyone my friendship. Might sound weird, idk. But yeah :)"
– AnotherPeaInThePod
"Oh man. Same. You should have been there for my last family gathering. Me not defaulting to servant/punching back like they were used to led to an all out uproar. The worst part was they took it out on my wife, blamed her for supporting my independence and right to not be used. It's been a while since I've seen most of them now and I had to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never be close with my sister again."
– ironwheatiez
"You teach people how to treat you"
– expert_dogpetter
Be Good To Yourself
"Being kind to yourself is so hard because we’re (older gen maybe a bit more I guess?) taught implicitly for years NOT to do it. It is something new that you are starting against something much worse long established Like every new skill it will take time to develop and that is totally ok"
"Related: Don’t punish yourself for a lapse in “discipline” when trying something new. Take a break (Whether it’s minutes or days or longer) and try again. It’s not a setback, it’s a readjustment to helping build a stronger habit to give the version of you that you want to be a chance. 10 push-ups today might not seem like much but if yesterday was zero, then 10 is a lot."
– ValBravora048
Listen To Your Heart
"It's made me realise just how little I listen to my emotions normally - and that emotions are amoral and can't be rationalized away, they just exist."
"When my therapist asks me how I'm feeling about something, so often I don't know - or I do know the answer, but it feels ugly/mean, so I don't want to admit it, even to myself. Once you clock how often that's happening, you realize why bottling so much stuff up is leading to your general unhappiness/stress."
"Still working on this, but it's surprised me to have that big of a revelation when I thought of myself as being very emotionally mature. (Turns out I can manage everyone else's but not my own)"
– Lordaxxington
Not All My Fault
"That it really IS my brain chemistry and not just a Me Problem."
"Due to circumstances, I had to complete a 10 week program in order to qualify for getting assessed for medications. My first therapist quit after my 9th session, and since she was the only one offering the program at that clinic, I had to start again with another from week 1"
"Both told me that I'm doing everything right, that I know and use all the coping mechanisms, that they can't REALLY help me from thier position and both reccomended I get medicated (tbf I have my own reservations about exactly how much work can really be done in 10 sessions against a life time of Being Like This but that's a whole other issue)"
"But the difference is honestly night and day."
"I can't explain to you the f*cking PEACE I feel now. Not having a melt down due to taking a little bit too long putting change in my purse at the grocery store, not having months of fog with no memory of events, being able to just exist in my body and environment without feeling like I've called doom upon myself for the crime of existing in a space."
"I still have work to do on myself, but oh my God it's so much easier."
– Aware_Bet
But Faaamily!
"You don't HAVE TO like your parents. It's not some sort of requirement."
– 10throwaway123456789
"Jumping off your comment: that your parents are just people you share the planet with and you may not like who your parents are as people and that's okay."
– EmbarrassedBoat9587
"I remember my big breakthrough moment with my therapist was."
""You know both your parents are terrible people right?""
""Well, they have both done bad things, sure.""
""Count the number of good things they have done for you and then the bad things to you""
""...""
""Yeah. You owe them nothing.""
– coniferous-1
You Feel What You Feel
"The more you run from your own feelings, the stronger they get. It’s only through acknowledging and facing your feelings that you’ll be able to work through them. Also, labeling feelings as “good” or “bad” is counterproductive. Your feelings are valid. How you process and express those feelings is what’s important."
– scaryboilednoodles
Best Advice
"Don't accept criticism from someone you wouldn't go to for advice"
"No one can walk all over you if you don't lay down on the floor for them"
– slynnmart
I wish someone had told me that when I was younger!
People Break Down The Best Advice They've Ever Received From Their Therapist
There’s no question that therapy is one of the most helpful treatment methods with regard to emotional hardship, trauma, or mental health. A licensed therapist is full of good advice.
They can show you some smaller forms of therapy you can implement, defense mechanisms you can use, or even tell you what you need to hear.
A therapist once asked my friend, "Is there data to support that fear?" It is now the question of the day every day at work. Therapists can be brilliant!
Redditors have seen this firsthand, and they are ready to share what they learned.
Redditor SugarMumma asked:
"What was the best advice you got from your therapist?"
Setting Boundaries
"Setting boundaries will upset the person who crosses/needs them set the most."
– wrongreasons2242
"Bingo. Resistance to boundaries or annoyance them is a solid red flag."
– SiliconPenguin
You Are Only Responsible For Yourself
"You are not responsible for what other people do."
– Doodle-Cactus
"Similarly, you are not responsible for how someone is going to feel."
"Meaning, “if I tell my girlfriend that it bothers me that she leaves the dishes unwashed, she’ll be mad at me. And I don’t want her to be mad, so I’ll just not say anything”
"You’re not responsible for her reaction to your honest good faith communication. You need to communicate it anyway and let her feel how she’s going to feel. Don’t “decide” for her."
– sevencoves
"If I'm not the problem, there is no solution."
"That one saved my life."
– marvelousteat
Love Heals
"She got me to realize how many defense mechanisms I had constructed to defend the little kid inside of me who wanted love and acceptance. Whether that be judging myself and trying to get ahead of other peoples’ criticism, or lashing out defensively at perceived slights."
"She was a good therapist, so she got me to come to those conclusions myself."
– mjknlr
Writing Also Heals
"The greatest thing a therapist ever told me to do was to keep a journal. I thought he was crazy at first but it’s incredibly therapeutic to write your day and thoughts down."
"I also like to go back and read previous entities and see how far I’ve come from certain situations and such."
– Starlight_City45
"I've been journaling for a year, yeah it's not easy on some days but let me tell you... It helps! Really helps to unclutter the clutter in my head. I have a journal app with prompts. Makes me think about my feelings which really helps and takes me through steps to feel better if at all I'm feeling negative feelings."
– noir-Blossom
Examine Your Role
"Just because your feelings are hurt doesn’t mean you’re right. I didn’t listen in the moment, but I think about that almost a decade later."
– mbane_800
"Yep. Stop and consider how you have contributed in this"
– pineapplewin
Making It Work
"Anxiety will never go away, but you can learn to manage it."
– Present-Tension9924
"I think the takeaway from this is to try not to get into a mindset of 'waiting until you're better' to move forward in life. It's more like hey, this is who I am, let's figure out how to make it work."
– baywchrome
Does The Data Back It Up?
"If you catch yourself making assumptions about a person's actions or intentions, ask yourself, "Where is the evidence for this?""
– philwatanabe
15 Minutes of Infamous Tasks
"Take at least 15min of your day every day to do something you don't want to do, but that needs to be done. Like cleaning your room, paying bills ect. It won't be as hard to begin with it if you tell yourself you can stop after 15 minutes. Often times you will do more than that just because you tricked yourself into starting. And at the end of the day, you won't feel like you wasted your time because you achieved something."
– firedexo
Don't Get Dragged Into Drama
"Not your circus, not your monkeys."
– chrisbe2e9
"F*ck this is such a good one to keep in mind though"
– Few-Background2498
Therapy is not a magic solution, but therapists are here to help, and sometimes, their advice may even save a life.
Therapists Share Their Wildest 'I'm Not Supposed To Judge You But Holy Sh*t' Experiences
People who have a difficult time processing their feelings and emotions for various reasons consult a therapist who helps them work through whatever mental block they have.
A therapist's office is widely accepted as a safe space and the information shared is strictly understood as confidential.
That doesn't mean specialists aren't secretly judging their patients. After all, therapists are human too.
Curious to hear from those in the profession, Redditor homowithoutsapiens asked:
"Therapists of reddit, what was your biggest 'I know I'm not supposed to judge you but holy sh*t' moment?"
Reaction to these shocking experiences are justifiable.
Not A Casual Convo
"I was once in my psychiatrists office—a bi monthly, 15 minutes med check. She asked me what was going on—more as conversation."
I told her that my in the last six weeks: my three elders (aunt and two uncles) I was guardian/conservator for had died—one right after the other."
"My wife had a heart attack. My daughter attempted suicide."
"And my mom broke her hip and had laid on her floor for a week before being found (she drank and ate from the dogs bowls). I got that call within ten minutes of setting up the last funeral."
"She stopped the meeting, got on the phone with a therapist in the office next to her, and had her postpone her next meeting to speak with me."
"I was so f'ked up, I had no idea. I think she saved my life."
– Merlin560
Because Priorities
"Here's my most recent one: As the pandemic worsened here in the US and more lock downs are on their way, one of my most extroverted clients and I brainstormed ways to meet her social needs while remaining safe. The following week she canceled her session and told me that she's positive for COVID after attending a sex party, which definitely wasn't one of our ideas. I let out the deepest most defeated sigh after I hung up the phone."
– gyakutai
Sh*t Faced
"I joined in a review of a secluded patient and he threw a cup of wee and poo in my face when we opened the door. I tried to be objective about his experience but I just thought... what a c*nt."
"I work in inpatient services so it can be hard to challenge myself at times - individuals with diagnosis of personality disorder, for example, can do things that in isolation make you think they’re just being bratty or manipulative, but to think of the experiences that shaped them to react like that in a given situation can help to clear my judgment and find compassion."
"...harder when someone bites me or hits me with one of our fabulously detachable anti ligature curtain poles, though."
– Bob-omberman
Therapists have a soft spot for children who are struggling with a variety of problematic scenarios.
Growing Up Fast
"Clinical psychologist working primarily in forensics here. This means my clients are usually involves in legal proceedings (family court, juvenile court, criminal court, etc.) My job is usually to evaluate or provide treatment. I'm not there to judge, that's the judges job, but of course I have my thoughts."
"I am usually impressed by the justifications people make for sh**ty behavior. The one that irks me the most is when parents manipulate their child against the other parent. I've had to do therapy for a 5yo who said she doesn't want to see a parent because they haven't paid child support. Excuse me? What 5yo knows, understand, or needs to be worried about child support."
– FriktionalTales
Pitted Against Each Other
"I got my father accusing my mother of turning me and my siblings against him (we were 14yo, 9yo and 7yo at the time), and never acknowledged that he was the one doing all kind of sh**ty things to us. We had 8 years of pure pain with social assistants. We got f'ked by familiriasts CPS who only thought about the 'good for the family.'"
"I'm kinda sensible to this argument as it has been using against me, my siblings and my mother."
"EDIT: I see that many children are or have been in my situation. Specialists tried to mark us with PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome), a really controversial syndrome that isn't really official, but neither was proven wrong at the time."
– vDarph
Unfit Parents
"I'll say this, I rarely encountered a child that had a clear mental illness in the same way as when I worked with adults with serious mental illness. In many ways, they were visibly confused or lonely. Given that most of their parents were suffering from poverty, alleviating the burdens of being poor would have likely mitigated the most severe symptoms of many of the children. Advocating for affordable childcare and livable minimum wages is mental health advocacy."
"I found myself judging, not the children, but their parents. Some parents would drop the kids off with me and peace out with a, 'fix my kid' attitude. As a parent, now, I get some of it; exhaustion and burnout are real. But the best I could do in that situation was provide that kid with an hour long vision of what it looks like to live in a loving, structured environment. Those kids were the ones I could tell who were much more likely to be subject to the 'system' for the duration of their lives. Either cycles of institutionalization and homelessness or prison."
"When a concerned parent showed up and asked, 'how do I help my kid?' I practically jumped for joy for the child because they had someone who loved them and was fighting for them."
– Hideyoshi_Toyotomi
Sage Wisdom
"And remember, you dont have to stay with a therapist if you dont want. Therapy, like any psychological treatment, is often more about trial and error to find what works for the individual than anything. Also, you'll get out of it what you put in, so be upfront, Frank and honest with your therapist. That will help them work with you on determining the best therapy course for you."
"I wish you the best of luck."
– Miscellaniac
What Makes A Good Therapist
"^ agreed HARD. I was talking to a friend about my recent therapy session, and she very wisely pointed out that she thought my therapist was a great fit, because 'she challenges you.'”
"I asked what she meant, and she talked about a mutual (now ex) friend who was also going to therapy, whose therapist was more of a 'buddy to complain to' instead of working through your problems. Turns out, the friend had proudly divulged that one session, they didn’t like the questions the therapist asked so instead of interacting, they spent the entire rest of the session staring out the window and full-on stonewalling the poor lady. I never knew that, and made me really WTF. You’re wasting your money, and the time of the both of you if you don’t just go head-first into the situation. Therapists, good therapists, love helping solve your problems and listen to you to understand why things are going wrong. I personally think it was kind of sh**ty for my friend’s therapist to let them get away with that kind of behavior, but there was a clear pattern of weaponizing their own emotions against people who cared about them, so I wasn’t surprised."
"If my therapist even SMELLS I’m downplaying or telling half-truths, she stops everything she’s doing to weasel it out of me lol. I’ll go through 4 or 5 'good enough' answers for why I’m feeling before I finally say whatever the real reason is- not because I’m being intentionally obstinate, but I have a habit of doing it that’s hard to break, or I need a moment to pause and really think on the reason. We really do play a verbal game of her trying to catch my weasely a** in a half-lie LOL."
"That ability to push back on me until I give up the ghost is the reason my therapy has been so goddamn successful, as well as my own work put in to actively try to be as open as possible to the process. It f'king blows, nobody likes being upset or 'going' to those really hard emotional places, but it has to be done. Not allowing that for yourself in the presence of a neutral third party will be a detriment to your journey."
"So yeah. Shop for someone who challenges you just the right amount, and don’t be afraid. I know it’s been a good session when I come out feeling like I’ve run a marathon and I’m mentally dog cussing my therapist for dragging me through that, and I absolutely recommend that to EVERYONE to experience hahaha"
– grumbledork
First of all, kudos to all who seek counseling when they feel they can't take on any personal emotional burden.
The bottom line is, it shouldn't matter what a professional may think about your situation personally.
What matters is finding the right therapist who challenges you–because ultimately, it's the patient who needs to face their problems and work through them with proper guidance.
Just because a therapist is there to expertly evaluate our emotional challenges throughout many of life's adversities and crises, it doesn't mean they always hold it together.
People tend to forget that therapists–the professional we seek for guidance when we're vulnerable–are also human and are just as prone to feeling the feels.
Curious to hear from therapists who've exposed their emotional vulnerabilities in front of their clients opened up when Redditor Unkw0n_pers0n asked:
"Therapist that have cried in a session, why?"
A patient who feels seen and understood reinforces why therapists endeavor to help people in the first place.
It Wasn't Her Fault
"I was working with a deeply depressed client who had a lot of negative self talk about how she was always a failure. We were exploring the origins of this and how young she was the first time she felt self-blame. She told me her earliest story of when she was in 2nd grade."
"Afterwards, as we were processing it, I expressed that 'it wasn't your fault' about the story. She just broke down sobbing and said 'nobody has ever said that to me before' in between sobs. It hit me and I cried a little."
– Ayzmo
Relatable Experience
"i cried after i worked with a kid who described an emotionally difficult situation with a sibling. the kid’s experience aligned very similarly to something i went through with my own sibling when i was the kid’s age and i hadn’t realized how much hurt i was carrying from the experience."
"being a therapist sometimes means being confronted with things you didn’t realize had such a strong impact on you. luckily, i have a stellar therapist of my own that i can work through these moments with."
– rejecteddroid
The Patient With A Disorder
"I was doing a cognitive assessment for a girl. We were doing tests and at one point she started crying she was unable to tell me why, she was fine just one moment before. I let her collect her thoughts, then she said softly 'I don't want to be more stupid than my friends'. She wasn't actually, she was very bright, but she didn't know that she has dyslexia, dysorthograpy AND dyscalculia. I realized that she went through THIRTEEN years of school without help. Her parents didn't want to do an assessment as they thought she was just lazy. I told her that she was very brave to decide to get help and things would get better after our assessment and I felt tears in my eyes."
"Edit: first of all, I have great empathy for parents, for most of all is just a matter of ignorance, fear and parenting is hard. If you are a parent and you see your kid struggling, PLEASE listen to professionists, we are here to help, not judge, and we will find ways to help you and your kid. Disorders don't go away, don't underestimate it, the sooner you get help, the better the outcome can be. It's ok to be scared but we're here for you and we understand you."
"Second, I'm really sorry to read so many heartbreaking stories about people that weren't believed and struggled being undiagnosed. I wish you all the best, I hope you are in a better situation and you got or you'll get all the help you deserve, because you do deserve it."
"Third, if you think 'something's wrong with me', get help if you are in a position to do so. Worst case you understand yourself better and have a chance do make peace with parts of yourself."
– ---honeybadger----
A patient who has already accepted their heartbreaking fate recalls seeing their therapist getting emotionally involved during a session.
A Mother Who Didn't Want To Let Go
"My therapist cried while 'mediating' a discussion between my mom and I. I have a neurodegenerative disease and she is my full time caregiver. Because of my severe disability, she also has legal guardianship of me, even though I am in my 20’s (this is all fine with me, I need the help, and I agreed in court to all of it. This was the first true 'disagreement' that we ever had.)"
"I am ready to die. I am in pain, unable to do anything for myself, and it’s only getting worse. I asked my mom to sign a DNR, because I have been resuscitated before, it was a mess, and I don’t want it to happen again."
"She refused. She doesn’t want to lose her child and wanted to do everything medically possible to keep me alive."
"The session was essentially me begging her to let me go, while she sobbed and said she could never sign a paper that would lead to my death. It was a terrible situation. No one was 'the bad guy', no one was trying to hurt the other. It was someone wanting their suffering to end, verses a mother not wanting to lose her child."
"My therapist agreed that I should be allowed to make this choice, but certainly didn’t think my mom was manipulative or evil, just already grieving and trying to hold on to me as long as possible. I saw her wipe her eyes several times, and they were red by the time we were done. She actually hugged us both at the end."
"The situation wasn’t resolved during the session, but my mom came around shortly after. She wouldn’t sign the DNR, but gave me legal permission to do so (so, in her mind, it wasn’t her making the final decision.)"
"BTW, my mom and I have a GREAT relationship! This was just one issue that we couldn’t come to an agreement on ourselves. But it worked out, and I’m now in palliative care and have a great team looking after me, INCLUDING my mom!"
– fightwithgrace
The following examples continue to demonstrate how therapists are more emotionally invested in their patients and clients than you think.
Responding To Tragic News
"I cried in a substance treatment group. A client’s mom had reached out via email to me to say that her daughter died from an OD. She called during my group so I chose to take the call and spoke with her briefly. I thought I could continue with the group. Ended up in tears instead."
– ChicagoOwls
She Patient Who Felt Unloved
"My patient cried and said 'there's nobody on this planet who loves me anymore.' I cried when I left because I knew she was right. For context: she was 95, her husband and son had died, she had a personality disorder that made her behaviour unbearable for her environment after her husband died and every person still in her life were paid for to be around her. She died a few months after this conversation."
It is unsurprising that therapists are compassionate people.
Otherwise, they wouldn't be in the room to help someone who is struggling internally.
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*The following article contains discussion of sexual assault.
Patients are comforted in knowing when they seek a mental health specialist, they are in a safe space to ensure they can open up about the issues weighing on them without judgment.
Patient confidentiality is protected under state law, but that doesn't mean therapists don't silently judge a client's moral character if they are seriously flawed individuals.
Curious to hear from professionals, Redditor godslayingdruglord asked:
"Therapists of Reddit, when is a time you’ve believed someone one of your patients was just a bad person?"
Some people are not fit to be parents.
Calling Child Protection Services
"Client told me about cornering their daughter, whose claims of sexual abuse the client didn’t believe... The client stopped coming after I called child services. I won’t give hard numbers, but client had more kids than you can count on one hand, all of whom were taken by child services at different points. I was the third person this client had seen and none of us could get the client to acknowledge any degree of responsibility."
"Childhood abuse is horrible, wrong, and can mess a person up for a long time, but that does not make it okay to do the same to your kids."
"Edit: I feel obligated to add a line that I've worked with people who have done some pretty horrendous things and still not considered them bad people. Even this client was redeemable in my eyes until they decided they'd rather allow the kid to be hurt than to pursue more therapy. Fingers crossed that they just went to someone else."
– bda-goat
History Of Abuse
"A client told me that whenever he sees his 4 year old son struggling to get something done or trying to learn something, he makes fun of him and tells him he's stupid and will never succeed. He later told me his mother used to be an absolute unpredictable tyrant around the house and as a child he was put in a barn in the garden with no food for days. Even though I felt for him, I couldn't help but feel anger towards him."
– Sifraar
Under Assessment For Personality Disorder
"I'm relatively new at it (2nd year practising after 6 years of studying), and there's one client that just bugs me?"
"I know she is a product of abuse and mental illness, but she has inflicted so much harm on everyone around her, including her own kids, which she just does not care about. It's all about her and how much she has been hurt."
"Her kids are older now and have protective orders against her, which is her main complaint right now. She doesn't understand why they don't just deal with it so she's happy, when she would never do the same for them."
"I show empathy and am totally committed to helping her, but there's still a bit of me that can't stop getting, I don't know, annoyed by her? Something just doesn't sit right with me."
"Assessing her for personality disorders at the moment. Maybe that will help me understand her better so I can see her side more. It's a complicated job sometimes!"
– 13Amy13
Advice From An Experienced Professional
"Long term project there. I have a relative who also can't see how she hurts other people (and herself honestly). Her youngest kid got taken away by CPS, and she still doesn't relate this at all to her own behavior and choices."
"Don't lose sleep over it. Do what you can and recognize that you will not save them all!"
– I_want_to_choose
Parents Who Don't Qualify As "Protective Adults"
"Been practicing for about 10 years now. As a previous redditer said, we treat clients with unconditional positive regard, respect and non-judgement. If we can't do this, then it is probably not a safe space for the client (referring on is recommended). While some clients may be challenging, our training helps us understand the underlying causes of the behaviour (trauma hx, attachment style, personality, brain functioning etc). So, I wouldn't consider my clients bad. But clients with limited insight or motivation is hard work!"
"I have however, come across very harmful parents, carers, trusted adults and/or systems in my work that I consider as bad people. When working with children, one of the hardest things is working with parents who are not able/willing to be protective adults. Worse still is when systems meant to protect children (child protection, family court) end up putting them in further harm."
– chickie_bickie
The "Irredeemable" Kind
"There were a few times, yes, but I'd rather not go into it. Some people, especially those who hurt kids, are irredeemable."
– EspressoBooksCats
These clients are examples of people who are narcissistic and lack self-awareness.
The Flirtatious Husband
"I had one client that just didn’t care about cheating on his wife. He got married really young (not sure why, they didn’t have kids) but by the time I met him he was in his 30s."
"He only came in because his wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t. He also thought he 'might' be a narcissist. He calmly discussed how he cheated on his wife constantly during their 20s together, and showed little if any remorse about this. He seemed to be proud of his ability to sleep with women."
"It seemed his remorse was that she wanted to leave him and he got some benefit from her being around. But he didn’t really care about hurting her. Still, he came in for his first few sessions saying the right things and claiming to want to be a better husband."
"Then he came in after a family party. He told a story about how he was 'just talking' to a 19 year old woman there. Of course, as the story went on, it became clear he was obviously flirting, and getting progressively drunker and bolder throughout the party. This was also in front of his wife’s whole family. He began hitting on this girl badly, touching her, and came close to kissing her before his wife literally had to drag him away, while crying."
"Again, he showed very little if any remorse. He 'didn’t do anything' and 'didn’t see why this was a big deal.' I tried to help him make connections, but it wasn’t getting through. Right before the end of this session, I informed him the office would begin enforcing a mask mandate (start of Covid)."
"He didn’t show to his next appointment, and when I called him to tell him I would apply the missed session fee, he claimed he never actually confirmed this appointment and had never 'fully committed' to coming back the next week, even though we agreed to it."
"I knew he would be a problem, so I just waived it and took him off the schedule. Never heard from him again. And I was glad that was the case. I don’t think he was a monster, but man, he was such an a**hole."
– metastar13
You Can't Help Those Who Don't Want Help
"I don't think any clients are bad people but I would say those that have certain personality disorders with no insight can cause a lot of pain to others and not ever realize/acknowledge the destruction they've caused. They also tend to live incredibly lonely painful lives as again they don't see their part in their problems and just feel that horrible things happen to them and place blame externally. They are also less likely to seek therapy because of this lack of awareness and are more difficult to treat."
– nictme
For Social Media
"When they discreetly recorded a session for tiktok views."
– squatwaddle
Some therapists questioned about what makes a "bad person."
Not Defined By Bad Actions
"I’ve had plenty of clients who have done bad things. A lot of them may not recognize the severity of their actions or how badly they affect others, but I never see them as a 'bad person.' I just see them as people who have done bad things who are working on improving themselves."
– Samara1010
Powerful Insight
"I'm a therapist, and I've seen a few therapists or people in caring professions who have held this perspective about Clients, and its quite dangerous. Being non-judgemental is basically page one of the therapists handbook."
"I won't give any specific details, but I've had a Client receive an off-hand diagnosis from another professional, which was totally inaccurate, because they thought he was a bad person."
"It turned out, after advocating for an assessment, that the Client had an intellectual disability and his processing of information and consequential thinking was impaired."
"I think any good therapist should never seriously believe that a Client is a bad person. Not only is it a useless/irrelevant 'diagnosis/opinion', it's therapeutically harmful to hold them in that light, and it creates projections onto the Client."
"Not to mention, it goes against all the good science we have on psychological development, systems theory, etc. that while there is good and bad behaviour, people are not 'good' and 'bad'. Its far more complicated than that."
– BobbyByrde
It's Subjective
"Lack of empathy and narcissistic qualities can point you in that direction but 'bad' is subjective. I’d have to have a pretty solid definition of bad bc it could be a lot or it could be just a handful. I’ve had clients I knew weren’t going to progress any further, and someone who isn’t going to change at all can be seen as 'bad'. Honestly most MH professionals aren’t going to answer questions like this."
– mooncricket18
While each case is different, overall, many therapists generally believed that no one is fundamentally a "bad" person, and perceiving a client as such impairs their ability to properly assess how to approach a session.
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, help is out there. You can reach the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline by calling 1-800-656-4673, use their Live Chat tool: https://www.rainn.org/get-help, or visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.
In Canada, help is available through the Ending Violence Association of Canada website.
International resources can be found through the Rape Crisis Network Europe website.
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