You do what you can to help someone. That's the job of many therapists, hoping to held lead their patient down the path of self-help and rehabilitation. No matter what difficulties arise, you stay the course with them, helping them find the answers and solutions they need.
Sometimes, however, that path gets cut short when the therapist realizes their patient is beyond help.
*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
Reddit user, dreawithlove, wanted to know when all hope seemed lost when they asked:
"Therapists of Reddit, What was the moment you realized your client couldn't be helped?"
Maybe there's a bit of self-realization, the moment you notice your therapist has decided to no longer see you.
Yay, America...
"My therapist had to let me go because my insurance decided my mental health wasn't worth paying for and I couldn't afford her rate. I miss her sometimes she was my first therapist and I enjoyed talking with her."
Amethoran
But...Why?
"When I was 12 I saw a therapist with my Mother in the room. This 70 year old therapist started the session with basic questions. One question was, “what is a similarity between and peach and a pear?” My response, “they both start with P. He said he had never heard that answer and that nearly everyone says they’re both fruit. Then he ended the session and dropped me"
folkyall
You can't help someone unless they want to help themselves. Any self-help professional will tell you that, and live by that, as evidenced by some of these dropped cases where it was apparent no desire for improvement was to be found.
It's Not The Kids Fault
"When the child is younger than 8-9 yrs old and the parents want me to only work with the kid to change the kid’s behavior. Ain’t gonna happen. You change the environment and parenting and THEN you see changes in the kid’s behavior."
"Edit: point of clarification. I AM NOT saying it is the parents’ fault or that they are the cause. I AM saying that to work with kids who are young, you need to change the parenting and environment."
"Examples: Autism and ADHD, not caused by the parents, but effective therapy requires changes to the environment, increases in prompts, forewarning, cues, help with regulating emotional and sensory responses. After the brain matures some, kids can better take perspective and think socially with help, a little later they can better plan ahead for contingencies, though the frontal lobes won’t fully mature until a much later point In development than that which I was referring."
odd-42
Perfect Example, Right There
"One month in with this couple, a wife had just spent 5 minutes explaining the impact of her husband's language on her, and how devalued, disregarded, and unimportant she felt in the relationship. His response to her was to, verbatim, use the exact language she had just described to respond to her. She collapsed into sobs, and he sat back, sighed, rolled his eyes, and gestured vaguely to her, as if I would agree that she's the problem. I told him exactly the opposite. He stormed out. She went to the lawyer I recommended and cleaned him out. Full custody too. It was truly a happy ending."
mahoagie
Their Heart Isn't In To It
"The moment I realize they don't want to be helped. It is usually with the cases that are bullied into therapy by loved ones. Of course, most of them at least become curious of the process and start being a part of it, but there are the few that just won't stop resisting no matter how many sessions."
melhamb
So Far Gone They Can Never Come Back
"I am a therapist for sex offenders. One particular client was a drug user, but thus far it did not seem to interfere with the therapy (it was in no way related to his criminal acts). Until one day he showed up for his appointment completely high on hard drugs, he had already been awake for 48+ hours. Turned out his drug abuse was way way way worse then he'd make it seem. He also severely damaged his penis while high (he told us) . We immediately referred him to a rehab and never heard from him since."
OGveer
"I usually can tell in the first two-three sessions. Mostly narcissistic individuals who are brought to treatment by their SO or a relative desperately hoping for change. It never works."
CloudLizard911
Then there's these, sad tales of therapists who realized their patient was far beyond their help, and perhaps far beyond anyone's help.
No, It's Not That Kind Of Relationship
"He kept hitting on me. I had brought it up for reflection in context of his functioning and history. Lots of attempts to deepen insight and hold a boundary. At some point the boundary needed to get bigger . So I ended our therapeutic relationship.
jbuam
Worldwide Pandemic Can Do That To People
"They had an advanced extreme case of antisocial personality disorder, too agitated, too aggressive, with substance abuse. After months in therapy at a hospital, there was no progress whatsoever and nothing to be done, their family didn’t want them, neither did the police, nor the hospital and after setting their bed on fire and harming the other patients, i was just too scared to work with them so i closed the file and spoke to the doctor to find another solution. Sadly covid happened and they had to lay off a huge majority of the staff in the hospital, since i was still new, i was let go. I still don’t know what happened with the patient."
skypotato98
"When she committed suicide."
"It might sound harsh, but she was one of my very first patients as a doctor. Had several sessions with her together with colleagues. She was a very nice person."
"She will be forever stuck in my mind."
Dysp-_-
A very sobering read.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
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I have a good therapist—she's great. She listens to me, she is kind, attentive.
We even laugh and she occasionally shares tidbits about her life. She's awesome and I am thankful that she has helped me work out a lot of issues I had with my mental health.
I have had a couple of bad therapists in the past, though, so finding my current therapist was like finding a diamond in the rough.
The difference in how we approach our sessions compared to how other therapists approached our sessions is like night and day. For one thing, she doesn't talk over me or belittle me.
Yeah.. I've been there. It's not fun.
People shared their stories with us after Redditor Admirable_District asked the online community:
"People who realized they had bad therapists, what were the red flags?"
"I waited 15 minutes..."
"I went to an appointment and the door was locked. I waited 15 minutes and called him. No response. He texted me back a few minutes later and said he had the flu and was in bed and sorry he didn’t call to cancel. I went to the grocery store instead. I saw him shopping. He ducked when he saw me. I never went back to him."
Beth_Titles
Okay, this would be sort of funny in a movie... but in real life?
That's horrible.
I'd have run far, far away.
"When he was on the news..."
"When he was on the news for banging a client. It was his arrest photo because that's a crime. He was our marriage counselor, and he was married. So was the client."
markitfuckenzero
Okay, that would do it.
Can't argue with any of this.
"I was 13."
"I was 13. The therapist was an older woman who, upon first meeting me, insisted to my mother that I was on drugs (I wasn't) and that "clearly" my father and/or brother were molesting me. My father and brother have never, ever touched me inappropriately. She needed help herself."
WeasersMom14
Wow.
Let's just say that too many therapists who work with kids really shouldn't be working with kids.
"During those rants..."
"Recently started therapy and had about 5-6 sessions with the same guy. The last two sessions he was either late or had shared some bad news going on in his life, and had multiple uninterrupted rants of 15+ minutes or more where the subject matter was only tangentially related at the absolute best (it wasn't). "
"During those rants, he name dropped public figures in my sphere and told secrets about them. Unprofessional and sloppy."
honestlyanidiot
It sounds like he needs a therapist himself, which is truly saying something.
So much wrong here.
"He told me several times..."
"He told me several times how pretty he thinks I am. He also refused to believe me when I said I think have PTSD. I definitely had PTSD."
petta_redast
This is so inappropriate.
I'd be so disturbed.
Thankfully you're no longer in his orbit.
"When our marriage counselor..."
"When our marriage counselor told us he had been divorced 6 times."
WyomingVet
It sounds like your marriage counselor needed to find a new line of work.
"She really succeeded..."
"My husband and I went to a marriage counselor who was going through a divorce. She was so bitter. We went to 2 sessions. She really succeeded in uniting us in our dislike of her."
Chat_Noir
Sooo... does this mean that she inadvertently saved your marriage?
"He is so lucky..."
"He broke confidentiality and told my girlfriend what we talked about in therapy. He is so lucky I didn't report his ass. Two sessions later, he referred me because my problems were 'too dark.'"
dramboxf
"I had a long report..."
"I had a long report written by a psychologist who had given me a thorough assessment. The therapist on the third appointment told me the report was probably wrong and I should just basically try harder."
eggplantsrin
Wait, what?
Why... how is this person a therapist?
"Every session..."
"Every session, he asked me if I thought my mood was due to my period."
auntiepink
This is incredibly sexist.
I hope you ran far, far away.
Reading these, it would not surprise me if actual therapists, concerned about whether or not they're doing a good job, felt some relief knowing that they're not this bad.
Some people really should not have a license.
Have some stories of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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People Confess The Best Thing They Ever Learned From Their Therapist
Self-care has become a relatively hot topic of discussion within the last several years. Being open, and honest, about what you're going through mentally and the types of help you're receiving is important, as it can help others feel more comfortable with searching for any kind of help they might need.
With so many therapists, and so many disccusision points, it's great we can share the biggest takeaways we've learned from our sessions online.
One of the few good things the internet is for.
Reddit user, slowlythrough, wanted to learn from your breakthroughs when they asked:
"What was the best thing you ever learned from a therapist?"
Depending on your job and day-to-day life, you might be interacting with dozens upon hundreds of people every single day. How you interact with them, and more importantly, how you handle yourself, can make all the difference.
Don't Take Responsibility For How Others Acts
"How people act is a reflection of them, not me."
Commercial_Zombie196
"I had this revelation with a friend of mine. We realised that, when someone didn't understand what either of us were talking about, I would blame myself and he would blame the other person. It made me realise how different everyone is in how they communicate and respond to others."
AlterEdward
You Are Not Responsible For Others
"That all emotions have their time and place. Also that I can’t control how other people feel. It’s not my job to keep them happy or satisfied. I am allowed to let people be angry or upset."
stewiesaidblast
"This is important, I started becoming progressively more assertive and confident ever since I came to this realisation"
frankjohnsen
You Don't Have To Be About That "Hustle Life"
"My worth is not determined by my productivity."
"Being raised by a workaholic Marine and then having a series of nightmare bosses led me to have a severe guilt spiral if I spent a most of day not "doing" something."
kayarreff
"I agree, and I'm not a tool. I don't have to "do something", "be more productive", and not everything has to be about work."
"There's also nothing wrong with being "lazy". We're not robots. I wasn't put here on this planet to be a slave until I die."
PandaMayFire
If you need help with how you think about yourself, consider these lessons on self-reflection and metacognitive practices.
Speak Your Mind
"People don’t know what you’re thinking or wanting if you don’t say it. If you don’t communicate your emotions and thoughts, you can’t expect people to mind-read, and then get upset at them for not doing what you expected."
lhy13
Metacognitive Practices Are So Important
"You can step back and think about your thoughts."
"I know that sounds obvious, but it was not obvious to me as an angry, sad, 17 year old."
"Diagnosed with ADHD at 30. That advice probably saved me from making a ton of impulsive mistakes over the years."
iph0ne
Don't Accept Everything
"If you take good thoughts with a grain of salt why not also take the bad with a grain of salt? Hear it, recognize it, and let it leave."
findthefish14
"I like this one. It resonates with something else I learned about intrusive negative thoughts regarding myself, my future, my past, my whole life basically."
"When it all goes spiraling it’s important to interject those thoughts with a quick, 'ok, but what if it all works out? What if all my hard work actually does pay off?'"
"Both outcomes are entirely possible but we spend so much time sucking out energy by acknowledging the more dreadful negative thoughts, without even recognizing the hopeful positive ones."
barebackguy7
What about the big ones? The lessons you should start practicing right now?
Your Actions Are Not Your Thoughts
"A counselor at my university taught me that just because your anxiety tells you something will happen, that doesn't make it true. One way to illustrate this is to place a pen on a table, tell yourself you won't be able to pick it up, and then do it anyway. It feels so weird but also so comforting to know that your thoughts don't have as much influence on your life as they want you to believe. The therapist who told me this was just an intern at the time. I really hope she has been able to help people the same way she did me where ever she is now."
BlossomtheMare
Place Your Chips Wisely
"You have a limited amount of energy and time in any given day, and you get to choose where you place that energy. Like chips at a roulette table."
"Every angry twitter response, Reddit argument, etc is me putting those chips on those squares. My stack dwindles each time."
"Angry thoughts about a news article, an opinion I disagree with, that a--hole driver on the freeway, all of that takes energy, my chips. An extremely limited resource."
"So I’m trying to live though that lens and make the best possible decisions with my stack. That a--hole driver gets none of my chips anymore. YA CANT HAVE EM F-CKFACE."
"Today I was about to have a negative interaction online so I got up and pet the ever loving sh-t out of my cat instead. Like world class scratches - he was stoked."
"Chips. Place them wisely."
"I stop myself many times a day from doing it. I’m much happier now. Still f-cked up, but happier in my stew if that makes any sense."
campoanywhere
Nothing Else Need Be Said
"'No.' Is a complete sentence"
no-guac
Take care of yourself out there. No one else has that same requirement.
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When we're in the throes of a mental health crisis, or even just a very rough day, it's hard to zoom out. In that mental space, every negative thought is convincing, even alluring to cling to.
We grow so used to those defined grooves of anxiety and sadness that we forget there's another version of thinking, feeling, and interpreting all that happens within and around us.
So an outsider's perspective is huge.
Even the smallest piece of advice from a compassionate, intentional person can be enough to lurch us out of the funk--or at least get us started on the climb out.
Redditor sushi4vendetta asked:
"What is the best mental health advice you were ever given?"
Many shared the advice they've received that helped them remember the problems with the word "should." They realized that they needed to accept that, yes, they're not feeling so good.
But it doesn't last forever.
Temper Expectations
"Happiness isn't meant to be a constant state. The aim is contentment/comfortability, not constant unwavering happiness."
A Different Way of Looking Forward
"You don't have to be hopeful about tomorrow. Just curious about what's to come."
"Changed my outlook completely on life when it's going poorly."
Accept and Understand First
"allow yourself to feel how you're feeling."
"I get caught up in how I want to feel or how I think I should be feeling that I never really processed my emotions properly and dragged out grief etc longer than I needed to. I now remind myself that I shouldn't think I'm stupid or pathetic for still being upset about something."
-- lillyko_i
Would Anyone Else Be So Mean?
"If your best friend came to you saying they were having trouble in the same circumstances you're dealing with, would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself?"
"Would you stay friends with someone who treated you the way you treat yourself? What would it be like if you treated yourself with the same kindness and consideration as you would your best friend. Why not actually do that?"
Some discussed the importance of taking care of themselves. Sometimes we get too used to destroying ourselves to avoid upsetting the apple cart.
Only You Can Stick Your Neck Out
"You have to advocate for yourself, nobody is going to do the work for you." -- Shad0wD0gg
"Friend of mine says that you gotta have Pom poms out for yourself all the time- and for the people you care about. I liked this a lot." -- Impossible_Fold5059
Too Selfless
"Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm." -- no1ofconsequencedied
"Tbh I needed to hear this" -- GodMomItsNotAPhase
"Exception: I would light myself on fire to save my daughter" -- Please_Log_In
Know Your Limits
"Set healthy boundaries and stick to them." -- tomographer
"thank you for saying this. Every time I used to set a boundary with my ex, he'd be like 'why are you giving me an ultimatum???' "
"A**hole, it's because I need to." -- FlurriesofFleuryFury
And others shared advice of a more pragmatic flavor.
Accepting the Context
"Me 'I don't want special tests or meds. I want to be on the same playing field as everyone else.' "
"Counselor 'you already are not on the same playing field' "
-- emscurtis
The Depression Zone
"I stopped watching the news because current world events just don't mix well with my anxiety. Like, at all. I'm sick of humanity's petty politics, and I'd rather tend to my own life." -- JoshuaSlowpoke777
Mental is Physical is Mental
"Simply to see a doctor about it when necessary."
"I was a competitive figure skater growing up and my coach was in the 2002 olympics and she said to me 'if you break your leg you go to the doctor right? So why would you not take care of your mind like any other part of your body' that sticks with me today"
Hopefully the next time you find yourself in a funk, one of these fires across your thoughts and it's at least enough to help you start to regroup.
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We go to a therapist with clear expectations. We want to be listened to, we want to be supported unconditionally, and we hope to be guided toward a clearer understanding of ourselves and the internal states that drive us.
So it can be jarring when our therapist cuts against those expectations. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from the place that, by definition, ought to be a safe space in a world that doesn't always feel like that.
Unfortunately, as a recent Reddit thread illustrated, those moments of poor therapy are all too common.
Redditor Eesah_adams asked:
"What's the most annoying thing you've heard from a therapist?"
Many people talked about the times a therapist trivialized the issues that were significantly impacting their lives. There's nothing worse than feeling the need to justify your feelings to the professional who is supposed to believe them.
The Power of Baths
" 'you're a child you have nothing to be upset about' and also a common one within like 'have you tried to cure your depression with tea or a hot bath?' in the most condescending tone ever" -- bigfrogbi***
"How about a HOT BATH in TEA?" -- Karam2468
Oh I Hadn't Thought of That
" 'Have you ever tried not drinking?' I had been struggling with alcoholism for ten years by this point. I walked out after he said he didn't think I had tried hard enough." -- ftsunrise
"I had a GP say this to me after I told her my anxiety was exacerbated by alcohol. It's so condescending and unhelpful." -- noiesferatu
Fanning the Flames
"Went in because I had started having panic attacks. Was told by a female pdoc that I should have a baby and go back to college."
"Yep - the best way to deal with stress is to become a first time mom at 40, work full time, and go to school at night. Wtf? I got a referral to a therapist and never saw that doctor again."
Why the Follow Up?
" 'You're not ill enough to be here, please don't make any more appointments.' "
"It was our first appointment, I was having panic attacks nearly every day and could hardly function."
"She called me again a few months later asking why I hadn't made any appointments and I told her to fu** off."
-- FreddieGregg
Other Redditors described times when the therapist said something so demeaning it actually made them feel worse than when they walked into the session.
Bit of an Escalation There
"Years ago I got an appointment with a therapist that was supposed to be an expert in memory loss associated with mental disorders. I have Bipolar disorder and my memory loss is linked to that."
"She seemed really nice and easy going to talk until she told me 'you know, people like you can kill someone and will not remember it'... I was just like... I'm most likely to forget I have already had dinner and have a second dinner... Never went back."
-- ariamar
Did She Hear the Whole First Part?
"I was talking to her through my program because I was experiencing burnout and severe anxiety as a result. I couldn't get out of bed in the mornings because the anxiety was so debilitating."
"During our first session I was telling her about the cycle of trying to push myself to do stuff, committing and then having debilitating anxiety about it and not being able to get out of bed to show up. And how that would lead me to be more anxious from the guilt of not going and it was becoming a vicious cycle."
"And she said 'well that's just disrespectful to those whom you committed to and you need to just show up.' "
"Umm yeah I know it's disrespectful. I am talking to you because I need to figure this out. She was only interested in clearing me from a safety perspective so my program could sign off on my continued participation."
Piling It On
"Beginning of lockdown, schools are closed and my husband and I are attempting to manage a toddler, home school 2nd and 3rd grade children, and work full-time hours in industries where the workload increased dramatically."
"Took it in turns to teach the kids in 2-hour chunks and relied on Disney and minecraft to keep them otherwise occupied. Worked from 8am to 11pm most days, no down time for us for 6 weeks. Called the EAP due to increased stress and guilt."
"Was told that my kids were consuming too much screen time and I would be a better parent if I restricted them to a maximum 30 minutes a day."
"Strangely, that advice did not reduce my feelings of stress or guilt."
-- BonzaSonza
Other times, Redditors were simply taken aback by what their therapists said. These comments either came way out of left field or showed a total lack of good judgment.
Plot Twist
"I don't know if this counts, but I was expressing how anxious I was to my therapist a few years ago. She stops sipping her drink, sets it down, and goes:"
" 'Oh, yeah, I diagnosed you with an anxiety disorder the day I met you. I just didn't tell you.' "
"The day I met her had been a YEAR previous to this conversation. I was appalled and furious. Why wouldn't you tell me?????"
"Anyway I have a new therapist now and I love her."
Hot Take
"Okay so I love my therapist but sometimes psychoanalysts stretch things a bit. Anyways when i was 15 I did a lot of creative writing and showed it to her. The piece of writing I was showing to her had characters traveling through an underground tunnel. So she said."
" 'your mother had a C - section. I think you write about tunnels because you subconsciously miss the experience of traveling through the tunnel at birth.' "
Not What They Had In Mind
" 'You're gay? You should move to San Francisco. There's a lot of gay people there.' " -- LollipopDreamscape
"I agree. Wanna pay for my apartment there?" -- Veauros
"Was this 1952? WTF?" -- Yeeteeth_thy_baby
Here's hoping that if you ever do need some help working through things, you get it from someone who doesn't say wild stuff like this.
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