I haven't really been under so deep I expressed these kinds of thoughts. I'm ok with skipping surgery, actually.
Fingered
Kung Fu Wtf GIF by A24Giphy"I ask a patient after surgery how he feels. He opens his eyes, stares me dead-on and says 'with my fingers.' Then he goes right back to sleep."
DrBarbotage
'hand... hand please'
"I had an ovarian cyst removed a year ago and woke up from the anesthesia saying 'hand... hand please.' and making 'grabby hands' with both my hands until the nurses finally came over and held my hands for about five minutes while I just smiled and tried to go back to sleep. I hadn't done that in a decade. I used to do it to my dad all the time as a kid to express that I wanted to hold his hand while I slept."
mercyinreach
'Ooo ithh a robot'
"My boyfriend at the time had just gotten his wisdom teeth removed, on the ride home with his mouth full of gauze, he gets a call on his cell phone. He answered it and just starts talking away, whoever it was on the other side could not possibly understand a word he was saying with all the gauze in his mouth. But man, he had a lot to talk about and they apparently didn't hang up..."
"After about 5 minutes of this unintelligible phone conversation, he looks at me and says 'Ooo ithh a robot' and gives me the phone. I put it to my ear, and the whole time it's been the Walgreens pharmacy automated notice simply stating his prescription is ready for pickup, playing on repeat. Probably for the best."
December_Flame
Slurred...
"I’m an anesthesiologist. The best story was a 40-some year old woman for appendectomy, said while I’m giving the propofol to induce anesthesia. She said 'oh I don’t remember it tasting like that before' (slurred). I said 'what does it taste like?' Since propofol doesn’t usually elicit a taste reaction. She almost yelled 'DEEEZ NUTS,' and was promptly under anesthesia thereafter. There have been other stories, but this one has the entire OR staff rolling laughing for minutes after she was under."
Zefside89
“AHHHH”
Oh My Love GIF by WWEGiphy"After an operation on a patient's neck, he woke up and yelled 'AHHHH' then grabbed his junk with both hands and was like 'oh thank God it’s still there' then immediately passed out again."
tv__doctor
People are funny with no censor. And dialogue dangerous...
Beauty
"My personal story. When I had my wisdom teeth out, I kept holding a fake camera up to my face saying 'you're beautiful' and making clicking noises while I was under. I'm a professional photographer and my dental surgeon ended up booking a session with me a year later."
cassiecas88
Nasty
"I woke up from gallbladder surgery confused as to why my mom wasn’t there (I was 18 and looking for my mom). The nurse informed me I had cussed out my entire family and they sent them home and put me on a no visitor list, only for me to wakeup at 2am with no memory making them call my mom back. Another time I woke up and made horrifically inappropriate jokes."
"I told a nurse she was pissing me off because I didn’t like the automatic blood pressure cuff. Another I refused to listen to followup orders until I had a chicken sandwich (my negotiations were not met). I’m a real treat after anesthesia but I get a lot of this done at the office my mom works at so she can warn them lol."
__hill
'That's my wife for ya'
"My aunt got rushed to the hospital for abnormal heart rate - but it wasn't a heart attack or stroke, but her heart was going at like 200 beats per minute or whatever it was. They had to put her under so they could shock her heart back to normal. As they're taking her under, the doctor says something like 'Okay, in it goes' and she immediately quips with 'That's what she said.' All the doctors and nurses busted a gut laughing and told my uncle when he got there. He just shrugged and said 'That's my wife for ya.'"
StrawberryPeachies
Treasures
"One summer I was home from college and my dad needed me to pick him up after his very first colonoscopy. He was nervous so I got there early. The nurse called me back and asked me to help wake him up, as they were having some trouble. I go back and am making chit chat. 'Oh dad, you’ve got those cool booties on!' He raised his head a little bit to look at them then yelled, 'Booty call!' He is a Presbyterian pastor. A moment I will treasure forever."
mildflower9
Hugs
Kat Graham Netflix GIF by GIF RegistryGiphy"Apparently, when I had surgery to remove my Bartholin’s gland (a gland at the entrance of the vagina that can get an abscess), they asked me how I felt as soon as I was awake. I said I felt like I got attacked by an elephant and then I wanted to hug everyone."
relentlessvisions
Oh, the things we'll say when under the influence.
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
There are just somethings insurance doesn't cover, and it really shouldn't. I mean if you're gonna run around shoving things in all sorts of places or swallowing anything off the streets then that really should be out of pocket. Make you think twice.
For Beauty
Botox GIF by memecandyGiphy"Cement. I work in derma and had a couple of women come with cement injected in their face and didn't know why they couldn't feel their face/ do certain facial expressions. And yes, they wanted a discount dermatologist so they went to Mexico."
On the Cheek
"Neurosurgeon here. Guy came into the hospital with 3 days of headache out of nowhere. Head CT showed a large nail through the anterior skull base (think above the nose, between the forehead). When asked about it he had been using a pneumatic nail gun a couple days before. He remembered a moment when he didn't brace the gun right and it rebounded, hitting him in the face."
"It must have fired a nail when the end hit him in the face and he didn't realize it. He indeed did have a small wound in his cheek that fit with the story. Luckily the nail avoided the large blood vessels and other critical structures in the brain. We had to take him to surgery in order to pull it out. Cutting it out of his brain was weird."
T.M.I
"My dad used to work at a psych ward and a severely schizophrenic man got ahold of a pen and jammed it down his urethra. No one realized until the thing had calcified and he was going into organ failure. My dad doesn't know what happened to him, but I'm sure that must have been one gruesome surgery."
Dr. Psycho
"Obligatory not a surgeon but I read a news article about a surgeon who found someone's initials cauterized into a patients organ. Turns out it was a surgeon who had done a previous surgery and felt the need to leave his mark on a patient. I believe he lost his medical license over it."
Down the Hatch!
Pop Tv Eating GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Guy had put a cucumber down his throat and it broke off so he couldn't pull it back out. He came in with his wife."
I love cucumbers. Now I may have to avoid them altogether. Although I eat mine in pieces in a salad. I'm a novice I guess. And cauterizing patients? Now that is a Dateline NBC episode we need.
Cough it Up!
Cat Movie GIF by The Secret Life Of PetsGiphy"Bezoar (giant hair ball) in the exact shape of a stomach. Turns out, she worked at a hair salon and was eating OTHER PEOPLE'S HAIR!"
Snooker
"Dentist. We had 2 men come in to reception, one of whom had a snooker ball in his mouth. The man who didn't explained that they'd been at the snooker club down the road and his friend bet someone £50 that he could fit a snooker ball in his mouth. He won the bet then found he couldn't get it out. We had to sedate him and dislocate his jaw to remove it."
Lucky Fool
"Surgeon here. Trauma patient with who fell on steel rebar and it went in one side of the chest and out the other side long ways. Somehow missed his heart, esophagus, major arteries. We removed it with no critical injuries."
"I saw a show where they tested something like that - a guy had slipped and fell on a plant stake that went from the bottom right ribcage, up through the chest and out the left side of his neck."
"I think he even walked into the ER like that, and there was surprisingly little trauma for what looked absolutely horrible."
"The show came to the conclusion that his saving grace was that the stake was dull/not sharp, so it kinda pushed past everything critical without serious damage. Their experiment with a sharpened stake was much more lethal. Definitely one lucky guy."
A+E...
"I used to work in medical sales and one A+E Dr I visited had an 8 ball on his desk (it had a little stand and a glass case). I had to ask - thinking it was a pool competition trophy. It wasn't a pool competition trophy."
- ozzieowl
Don't Tell Me
"My mother in law used to be a scrub nurse and she told us a story about a patient they had in the OR who purposely cut up little bits of a metal coat hanger and barbed them so they couldn't be removed, then proceeded to shove them up his urethra. I can't remember the actual medical term for it but he was one of those people who had a mental health issue and wanted surgeries done so he would constantly do terrible things to himself because they would have to surgically correct them."
Tea or table?
spoon GIFGiphy"Not a surgeon. Knew someone who ate spoons. Just swallowed them and had surgery to remove them repeatedly. Batteries too."
Spoons, batteries and hair? Now I've heard it all. And it's more than I needed to know!
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I've heard wild stories from my friends in the medical field about what has been discovered inside patients, and I tell you, it has depleted most of faith in humanity's brainpower. Keep reading, you'll see why.
Tony is Stuck
Iron Man GIFGiphy"In my emergency medicine rotation, I saw a little boy who had put the headlight from his Lego Iron Man's motorbike up his nose and got it stuck up there."
"I removed it and we had a talk about how Iron Man says that heroes have to be sensible and not put things up their noses. All the while, I was contemplating the multitude of substances that Tony Stark has undoubtedly put up his nose."
Horrible Leftovers
"Coiled up iv tubing in the bladder that was calcified in a big bladder stone. Cambodian patient who had been tortured by khmer rouge years earlier. The tube was used in the torture to fill his bladder to bursting. After he was released they left the tube inside."
The Surgeon
"My father-in-law (FIL) was a Red Cross trauma surgeon during the Vietnam war. One day the locals brought in a villager with a live RPG round sticking out of his side. No one wanted to operate on him. FIL sent the OR staff out of the tent, so it was just him and the patient."
"Then he piled a wall of sandbags with a small opening around the villager, and used surgical tongs to extract the RPG round while sitting on the other side of the sandbags. Then he sewed the guy back up. He was fine. FIL is about 5'2" and so mild mannered. You'd never guess it but he's a secret bada**."
- FNTM_309
A Spork?
"Urologist here. In training we had a repeat ER patient who always came in after sticking things into his bladder. He had previously cut off most of the shaft of his penis and now he could put things in far enough to make it into his bladder. He would stick gauze, pens, and the strangest was probably a plastic spork. He did this so often we stopped taking them out as long as he could urinate."
In the Womb
Big Brother Reaction GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Not a doctor but I remember a friend from my teenage years showing me an X-ray of his mother's womb with a pair of sharp scissors in there."
"Apparently when he was born, the doctors had to do a c-section and the surgeon accidentally left some scissors in there and sewed her up. I don't remember how long it took for them to realize it was still in there, but she obviously had to have surgery to get it out."
What in the world? Like, who... how... WHAT?! And none of these stories mention people being drunk, high or crazed. Are people just bored? There are better things to do with your time y'all.
Nailed
Dance Dancing GIF by StaatsloterijGiphy"Obligatory not me, but my sister in law always tells the story of a construction worker who swallowed several long nails. The remarkable part was that he ended up being totally fine, never had any symptoms, and ended up pooping them out."
8 ball from Hell...
"My wife is an RN for the ER and the stories that I've heard are almost unbelievable. Too many alcohol soaked tampons just yesterday. The funniest one though is the homemade sex toys. This guy had somehow drilled holes in billiard balls, ran a string through them and had his girlfriend put them where the sun don't shine."
Civil Air Patrol
"Not a doctor but I was in the medical bay when I was in Civil Air Patrol. We had a guy come in with his wife (both members of CAP). His wife says there has been blood in his underwear she noticed while washing his clothes. He insists he was fine. After separating the 2 and hearing the stories this is what the guy says."
"Don't tell my wife. I've been having an affair and I have an angel with an approximate 12 inch wingspan all the way in my bum. We tried getting it out but we only snapped off one of the wings. It did end in a divorce and the guy had to wear a colostomy bag the rest of his life."
Back to Life
Tired Dont Look GIF by TLCGiphy"My mother-in-law was an ER surgeon at one point, and always tells the story of a guy who came in with a budgie stuck up his butt - acted surprised when they identified it, but then cried something terrible when they informed him it was dead and no, they could not bring it back to life."
I give up. And I'm even more thrilled that I didn't go into the medical field. Like people have lost control. Everyone... please don't stick crazy things in your body!!
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