One Redditor wanted to hear about the reactions people had broaching the topic, so they asked:
"What would you say if your partner asked you to open the relationship?"
I'm not adverse to an open relationship, but I'd like to start just the two of us and then we'll see.
Up Front
"This is something I screen for and discuss upfront. It's not for me, but I would not want to stifle someone who feels an open relationship is good for them. I know we would not be happy together."
Choice_Tangelo1933
14 Years In...
"I've been married for 14 years now. We're both very happy and we regularly talk about our desires for the future. I think I know and understand her fully. If she dropped a bomb like this on me it would be the first sign our interests are misaligned beyond repair. And I'd probably never fully trust anyone ever again."
spiderfarmer
Red Flags
"From my experience. 9/10 times if the relationship started monogamous and this conversation pop up they already have someone in mind and want the go ahead to go after them and if it fails they’ll cry about wanting to close it back up. If it was something on the table as a possibility at the beginning of the relationship, sure. If it wasn’t then no."
Vroomy_vroom_vroom
FWB
"Was dating a girl a few months and we went on a road trip for the weekend. Great time, etc. On the way back she spent a solid hour talking about how she couldn't settle down with any single guy, always wanted side pieces, stuff like that. I just listened, we weren't super far into the relationship but I thought it was going well."
"Anyway, I started talking to other girls since I didn't feel priority and slept with an old FWB. 'Gf' came over and saw a used condom in the trash and went apesh*t. I recalled the conversation about her wanting to date multiple guys, and explained I didn't feel like we were exclusive due to that. Breaks up with me, lol."
thermal_shock
Tell Me
suspicious GIFGiphy"I’d want to know who my partner met that made them consider this as an option."
tormentrock
Options are always going to be there. Might as well ask now.
Whoops
I Have No Idea Reaction GIF by MTV Movie & TV AwardsGiphy"My ex husband asked me to do this. I was upset and uncomfortable but he kept asking so finally I relented. Then I had way more people interested in me than him and he got super bu**hurt super fast."
WesternOld3507
So Poly
"Not a chance. If they want to f**k around I'll sever ties with them faster than the flash."
Ivanhunterjo1991
"Yep. Friend of mine did that. His gf at the time said she wanted to have an open relationship. He gave her one chance to stop and never bring it up again. She pushed it and he immediately broke up with her and kicked her out within 10 minutes. Litterally pushed her a** out the freaking door. (he was paying the rent and bills and his name was on the lease)."
"Ran into her a few months ago. Their breakup was about 5 years ago now, she said it was the stupidest thing she ever did. She sure as s**t doesn't identify as 'poly' now, apparently she wound up on the other end of things when her new bf suggested their relationship be open, and within a week he brought another woman home."
Kaidiwoomp
Non-Starter
"Absolutely not. We’ve agreed we’re for each other and he knows I’m monogamous (as I know he is). Even the thought of him meeting someone else that makes him go 'I wanna see what it’s like to be with her,' makes me angry. Our relationship would be over at that point."
"I’m a jealous person by nature. Now that doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself if he has friends who are women. But the jealousy will always loom in the back of my mind. This is why I know the poly lifestyle is not for me."
redvelvetcakebatter
Struggles
"Wanting an open relationship tells me I'm not enough for them. The very suggestion would make me question our relationship then and there. Maybe I'm just insecure, but I'd probably struggle to see them the same way and likely end up breaking things off."
ayylotus
"Completely agree. And I’d be deeply, deeply hurt by the suggestion. We have been together 15 years, married for 8, and suddenly he wants a radical change in the most basic nature of our relationship? I’d be heartbroken."
Sp4ceh0rse
Ugly Thoughts
No Way Bird GIFGiphy"I’d say no. Then I would constantly be thinking about the fact that they wanted to sleep with other people while they were in a relationship with me (or maybe they already acted on those desires), and the ugly thoughts would lead to me ending the relationship."
Flailus
This is never an easy topic. Be sure to speak openly and honestly while considering all the possible ramifications.
Do you have any relevant experiences to share? Let us kow in the comments below.
Redditor Jakubeu101 was wondering how people really felt about relationships with more than one lover, so they asked:
"What do you think about open relationships?"
It's certainly not for everyone, especially those who have a tendency to get jealous.
Yuck
First Date Dating GIF by OriginalsGiphy"Tried it for a year. Didn't work. It's perpetual dating which is the worst. Then they get jealous."
chewie8291
Avoidance
"All the hassle of 2 (or more) relationships needs to be something everyone involved needs to be okay with. It can be done correctly by couples that really know how to communicate and are strong in conflict resolution. (Usually this also means starting in an open relationship and not opening up later on) Unfortunately many couples use 'opening up the relationship' as a solution to avoid the need to communicate better. Those are doomed from the beginning."
CaelTyr
Shenanigans...
"My parents have been together for 40 years, married for 36. A couple weeks ago we went and stayed with one of my dad's childhood friends. As the wine got flowing, she regaled the rest of us with various stories of the shenanigans they got up to with their other friends. My mom was having the time of her life hearing all these stories she'd never heard before. (this was northern Wisconsin in the early 80s, lots of teenage drunken shenanigans)."
mstarrbrannigan
Consent
"Not for me, but I don't care if everyone's a consenting adult and no one is taken advantage of. The issue IMHO is that if you go from monogamous to open it is shifting the relationship in ways that rarely work, but if you come at it from the start there's decent chances of making it work."
Bi_Aint_Shi
All of It
"I think the idea that you've learned everything and there's nothing else new to know about a person is the first problem. I was in a polyamorous relationship for about a year and even to the end of it was constantly learning things about my partners, their SOs etc."
"I'm now monogamous and married, and years down the road I'm still learning things about my partner. They've lived a whole life before me, it will be many many years before I know 'everything' about them."
Dfnstr8r
Consequences
jealous GIFGiphy"I think it’s one of those things where both partners have to be 100% on board with what it means. There can’t be jealousy and you have to be ok with the idea of your partner sleeping with more people than you possibly. I think most people who consider an open relationship don’t really think about it means so it inevitably fails."
RaijinQ
It's not for everybody. Emotions in check first.
Stronger
Chair Stronger Music Video GIF by Britney SpearsGiphy"I'm in one. Going strong almost 8 years. Requires a ton of communication. Also, what counts as an open relationship varies wildly and the boundaries/rules are determined by the people within the relationship. There is no one size fits all."
nkorper
Bad Ideas
"I met a guy on tinder that was in an open marriage. We went on a few dates, one of which I was surprised to meet his wife and kids."
"They seemed like a happy family, very content with their arrangement. I enjoyed getting to know the guy, but he started to get impatient with how slowly I was moving. I wasn’t comfortable moving forward physically, so we decided to end it. Fast forward a year later, and he ended up committing suicide."
"His wife wasted no time posting online about how awful he was to her. It seems their 20-year open relationship was his game of control. He was a cheater and an abusive husband. I carry some guilt knowing he used me to upset her, and I sat there with a stupid smile on my face."
blahblah-user
Proven False
"Tried it, she screwed some dudes and when I picked up started getting jealous. Most open couples aren't really open. Usually someone wants it (or just wants to cheat without guilt) and someone's getting dragged into, pretending it's okay. Very few true open relationships, it's proven by how many last more than a year."
F33dR
Doing It All
"My husband and I did it...very enthusiastically... For about 6 years. We made the decision to try it after 24 years of marriage and because neither of us had had any other partners before we met. For us it was a fantastic experience. We never had issues with jealousy but we had a very strong relationship with a high degree of trust. We definitely saw a lot of marriages fail due to those issues."
"Eventually we sort of... faded out of it tho. It is just a lot of work. Finding people with the right chemistry-the on line dating scenes, going to the clubs, the meet up's that don't always work: it's exhausting. But for us it was definitely worth it. And if my hubby came to me tomorrow saying that he'd met someone he'd like to screw, I'd still be cool with it."
sabertoothbunni
"guilt free"
"I personally hate them because of an ex. I was pressured to make our relationship open for months, and I really didn't want to. That wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to have. I later then found out that she was pushing so hard because she was already sleeping with other guys and wanted a 'guilt free' way to cheat on me, and ended up sleeping with three other people that I am aware of."
"Generally I don't mind them if that's what you want and all parties are okay with that situation. I have a friend who does that and he's never been happier in terms of a relationship with someone. But I will refuse to ever do an open relationship with anyone."
A_GuyThatDoesStuff
Not Me
No Way Beer GIF by BuschGiphy"I'm genuinely not a fan, i prefer monogamy as I feel a much closer bond can be created between two people rather than a group. however that is not how it is for everyone."
thra888
Life lesson?
You do you.
Just be honest and really communicate how you're feeling and the boundaries you feel comfortable with.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Redditor Raoulchloe wanted to discuss sex with others when you're committed.
So they asked:
"What do you think about monogamy?"
Sex with only one person. Forever. I'm hoping I can pull it off.
The One
Nba Playoffs Sport GIF by NBAGiphy"Monogamy is great. Plus it was enough work to get one person to like me."
huh_phd
For Me
"It is for me."
SuvenPan
"Me too. 23 yrs and counting. Still have fantastic sex. Love my wife. All good in the hood."
frick-you-fricker
"Dude it really is. I’m 40, and the best I’ve learned is the more you make her the priority in bed the more she will come out of the closet."
Tommy2tables
Time Issues
"I honestly don't understand how people have time to be poly. Between work, chores, friends, family, social obligations, and time with my partner I literally don't know where I'd fit in a whole other relationship."
holyyyysh*t
"Seriously, I love my SO but those few moments I get that i'm truly by myself i cherish very deeply. Adding a whole other person with needs and wants to that mix? Jesus."
Sirromnad
Being a wife...
"I've been with my wife for 14 years. That's my context here before I start. I don't think I could do a proper poly relationship. Being one of several people in a relationship with my wife, even if the primary, would require me to be a super balanced secure person, and chief that ain't me no matter how much I want to be."
"So I don't think polygamous relationships are bad, I just think I would not be good at them."
"I guess I'm saying that monogamy may not be my ideal, but I am sure as sh*t not cut out for anything else, not even some bullshit fantasy where I am the king and have all these lovely women who only have eyes for me and I get to sleep with all of them, because even my one wife reckons I could be better at being a husband most of the time so I reckon I'd be s**t at being a husband to more than one."
Devrij68
30+
Happy Four Weddings GIF by TLCGiphy"It’s worked for the 30 years of our marriage. It’s not for everyone."
No-Consideration6589
Monogamy... it can be for everybody.
Too Much
Schitts Creek Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy"I'd rather be monogamous than anything else. Getting my wife to like me was frigging hard enough. We've got 2 kids, I've got enough people in my life to add another partner into that mix."
mxster982
Benefits
"I am on board. Been with my wife for 16 years and married for 12, I prefer it to being single or trying to maintain multiple relationships (I do not have the time or energy for that even if it sounded fun). However, I never understood people who stay in unhappy marriages. If you are both not happy, unless there is some massive hidden benefit, leave and try to find happiness for yourself and the other person!"
Sprucecaboose2
Simply the Best
"I think it's boring, in the best way possible. I think it's safe, with the right person."
"Honestly, I think it's ideal for me."
"No shame if it's not for you, but personally, I feel that presently it's what would make me happiest in a relationship."
pyromaster114
Decisions
"I spent a large portion of my life prior to ten years ago identifying as poly. I'll tell you, I had lots of experiences I value, but safety and security were not among them."
"Ten-eleven years ago, I met my current mate and she laid it on the line early on that poly wouldn't work for her. I thought she was so awesome I agreed to be monogamous. Best decision I ever made."
da0ist
The Rates
ex on the beach love GIF by MTV NederlandGiphy"A lot of people think it's unattainable with the cheating rate and all. Personally, I'd have a panic attack if I had to deal with double this attention from another man, I'm already tired."
InaptbutwiseNput
Monogamy... it's not for everybody. But good luck to all.
I tried open. Didn't really. Could be because I'm a jealous loon. Maybe.
Uh No.
Super Bowl Ok GIF by PepsiGiphy"I was asked. I said no. Things carried on as normal for a few months. Then I found out that the reason she asked was because she was cheating on me. Bye *itch."
swingrider
Not for everyone...
"Related to someone that has been married for like 18 years now with an open marriage. Not for everyone, but they seemed to have found some way to balance it that works for them. I don’t have details on how they made it work, because I don’t really want to know, but it seemed to be from the start more or less."
vercertorix
blindsided...
"My ex brought it up once, we were a bit wine drunk so I thought it was just a one off fun chat. A while later she mentions how we’re still very young and she’s not sure what comes next, getting married and then that’s it? But life rolled on and we moved and lived together etc."
"In January she tells me she wants to break up. At the time I was blindsided, but looking back now it’s so clear what she was hinting at. I don’t have a problem, I get it, I wish her well, but I sure wish I hadn’t been strung along for two years before that point."
Newbarbarian13
Dumped
"I actually said yes, and it killed the relationship very quickly. It was not that much of a stretch for us. We would participate in group scenes but we always came as a pair. There were never any issues, and it even brought us closer together. We were able to flirt as a team and explore our sexualities."
"There was never any jealousy. But when she requested we open it up, she also started ignoring our explicit, agreed-upon terms. More than any physical act, that felt like cheating. And when I spoke up about it, I got dumped."
partywalrusXL
Rocks
Living Single Goodbye GIFGiphy"Mine asked me 7 months ago and I stupidly accepted (I’m monogamous still) and it hurts, even on the best days I think about it. I’ve told him how I felt about it, but he said he loves the other person too much to end it. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and it hit like a rock."
"Edit: I’ve discussed with my boyfriend again how awful it feels and what you guys have said and I am happy to say that he is going to break up with the other person. He said it’s going to take sometime but as soon as he can he will! Thank you all so very much for your input and helping me get this sorted:))."
Hungry_Bandicoot8355
Trust in this issue is paramount and it feels like it's always the one thing lacking most.
The Other Person
sharon stone GIFGiphy"Say its not for me and if they want to go ahead then we have to end things. I was briefly the other person in an open marriage, after a few months it was difficult to know if the husband or myself was more miserable. Might work for some people but not for me."
rabbit_toe
My Person
"I’d say no, but I would want to sit and have several conversations about why they wanted that and how we can retool our relationship if that’s what’s needed. It could ultimately lead to an ending, but he’s my person - I’m not throwing that away when it could be salvaged."
pamplemouss
Happy with Me
"I would ask them why they suddenly want an open relationship after dating me for so long, and be honest with them. I would tell them that open relationships aren't something I'm comfortable with because I like monogamy. If they can't be happy with me in a monogamous relationship, then it would be over."
sunshinerose32
It broke me.
"Well I agreed, but only out of fear of losing her. It broke me. And I lost her anyway to a guy she met in a swinger club and who basically could be her father. Never again. Also everyone I know who did it learned the hard way shi* like this doesn’t work out in like 99 percent of cases."
NervousGarlic1
Issues
Which One Reaction GIF by AudibleGiphy"If that's what they want and nothing else would make them happy, break up. I don't have the mental health fortitude to deal with the anxiety and insecurity I know I would feel for not being enough."
HotCocoaBomb
Problems
"I had been in this situation two times. First time I was young and had no experience it was my first boyfriend and I had a lot of family problems so I was afraid of being alone. I accepted it and was a mistake. We broke up six months in to the 'Open relationship' deal and I was left feeling really empty. Funny how he got married with one of the girls he met in that period. He now is recently single after a nasty divorce. Domestic abuse, cheating, etc."
"About five years later a boyfriend tried to pull l the same one on me. I just ended things right away and saved myself from the pain. This guy is still single to date, and older than 40. So, I would stay away from any guy who wants an open relationship, especially if it started as monogamy and he wants to change the rules of game."
princess_akuna
issues First
"I've wondered if it would work for my partner and I at some different points, but obviously we'd need to work on fixing any serious issues in the relationship before really considering that. If we were in a healthy place in our relationship, we'd discuss the idea and what sort of boundaries we'd have, sit on it for a while to make sure it's something we wanted, and then proceed as we've decided after a particular amount of time. I've got some poly friends that have done it successfully for years, so I don't think it's impossible if you're going about it in a healthy way."
yerfdog1935
Dealbreaker
"Tell her to take her stuff and go. She can open up her sex life in her own space and without pretending that she's in a committed relationship. An 'open relationship' is a dealbreaker, and I won't have a relationship with a woman who indicates that might something she wants."
thatrightwinger
Hell No!
Fuck Outta Here No Way GIF by Desus & MeroGiphy"Break up, I’m a monogamous person, and the thought of anyone else sleeping with my SO turns my stomach. Nothing wrong with people who like open relationships, but it isn’t for me."
is_anyone-out_there
Good Luck
"Have a long, serious talk with them about why they want it, and what their plans for our future include. I'm actually all for polyamory so long as everyone involved is there for the right reasons and is being completely open and honest about it. Do keep in mind though that the vast majority of relationships that 'become' open, usually fail. It really is the type of thing you have to enter into from day one with everybody on the same page. Regardless of what you decide, I wish you the best of luck and hope you both end up happy."
robyngoodfello-
Zero Respect
"I agreed, tried it out but realized that 1). it wasn't for me and 2). I was secretly just hoping he'd f**k off and leave me for someone else. So eventually I worked up to breaking up with him and life's been great since. I had pretty much zero respect left for that guy by the time the relationship breathed its last."
munkymu
Truth Tellers
"I've been in one before. Another man and a woman. So long as all parties are honest, have their boundaries set and respected, and we're participating clean and safe, it's a good time. Communication is key."
Surprise_Corgi
"It's a good time. Is it sustainable? Is it like, if you want to have lots of sex in your life you maybe do poly. If you want to be career/family focused, you have finite resources you're working with?"
StupidImbecileSlayer
Sometimes you gotta go...
Will Ferrell Goodbye GIF by filmeditorGiphy"If it’s an open relationship or nothing at all, I’d bail. After establishing the communication, trust, and loyalty for all these years I just couldn’t switch to being open. Another reason - I don’t have the energy to be dating all over again. I wouldn’t even get the benefits of being open. I’d just rather be alone for a while."
failtos
Discussions
"I'd agree and see what happened. We haven't had sex in close to a year now anyway. Maybe id be able to find some idiot who might enjoy my company. The problem is we have discussed it and discussed it. I'm just not the kind of person who is going to be like 'we are married and I want sex so you have to do it even if you don't want to.'"
"After so long I've just gotten used to the idea that I take care of myself when she's not home and wait for the rare chance she's in the mood. I've given up on trying after being shut down so much and perhaps thats my fault as well. Meh. Enough complaints to the void today. Thanks."
Brilliant_Succotash1
Don't do it if you're not 100% sure everyone can handle it. Otherwise it's just a mess.
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It's 2021 y'all! Love and sex is not defined by the communion of just two people.
Unless that's what those two people want. But monogamy isn't for everyone and open relationships aren't always a bad idea.
Let's discuss...
RedditorFlan_Apartwanted to hear all the saucy deets and beliefs, so they asked:
What's your opinion on an open relationship?
The heart and the libido want what they want.
That's all ok.
I am for whatever works for anyone.
All In
Giphy"If either person has to be convinced to open the relationship up, it will be an unmitigated freaking disaster in practice." ~ HumanMagpie
No Ignition
"My ex broke up with me because he wanted an open relationship/go poly because he lost his feelings for me already and needed something to ignite it, he even used his dad's illness as an excuse."
"It's not for me.. being in a monogamous relationship is already stressful enough. I want to feel safe with someone." ~ RelChan2_0
The Witness
"Oh man… some friends who are a couple both wanted it. Not sure how long they had been doing it, but poop hit the fan when she started hooking up with another friend in our group."
"He couldn't deal with the jealousy. So then he basically 'left the group', don't see him much anymore but he's got a new gf and things seem ok."
"She carried him as baggage for a longtime, still does I think. She becomes bitter whenever we bring him up in a convo so we generally just try to avoid ever mentioning him."
"This is just one example, my experience as a 'witness'."
"I'm sure it can work for some people but it's not for everyone."
"Jealousy is a natural human emotion, instinctual really… so I would say, just make sure you are not too much of a jealous person."
"Edit: the were a couple, they are no longer together." ~ guitar_collector
I'm Married
"The problem is logistical."
"It's great to say 'I'm free to go sleep with other people', but it's entirely different to actually try, as a married man, to go out and hook up with someone."
"There's concerns about being 'caught' by people you know (it's funny, I'm actually more okay with telling people I'm bi, than poly)."
"There's logistics of not being able to bring them back to my place. And then there's the just straight up awkwardness of having to start your hookup with 'so I'm actually married, but it's okay'."
"I've basically determined that the only time I'll successfully be able to pull it off is when I'm traveling for work." ~ clappingmonkey101
Sexy Time
Giphy"I think people all see sex differently."
"Some people don't like it as much and as often as others. Some people think sex is meaningless, some think it's the most meaningful."
"I think it's whatever works for that particular couple." ~ cremebruleeormeth
Mhmmmm.... you have to speak truth.
You have to say what you mean.
As much as we want to be free, we also have to be responsible.
"Two eventually imploded after people got jealous, one split after one of them decided a partner was a better relationship."
"The last is okay, but my impression is the relationship is more like a safe space, than a place they love." ~ Pufflenumbers
Just Say No
"One of my exes did this once, like two weeks after our one year anniversary to boot, and it understandably tore me apart."
"I felt more or less coerced into saying yes, because if I said no I knew it'd be all I would think about from then on when we weren't together, and it just felt like it'd be easier to forgive her if we were both doing it."
"Boy, that didn't work. It was bad enough with her being at college while I was stuck in my tiny hometown of less than 3,000 people in the dead of winter."
"But what made it worse was she changed the rules a few weeks in and exclusively started visiting guy friends or exes she never went all the way with (She was a virgin before me). And I didn't even enjoy myself when I was with other women."
"There are a lot more gory details, but that alone was grounds for me no longer trusting her like I used to, which permanently damaged our relationship."
"It's one of those Pandora's Box situations; A super damaging thing that you can't take back even if you put the lid back on."
"That messed me up for a long time, I didn't even feel like seriously dating for a year after we broke up." ~ ImmortalGoat66
Exclusive...
"My brother has been in a open relationship with his current girlfriend for years now and for the most part they make it work and it works to fill their needs. That being said, I know personally it wouldn't work for me."
"I definitely am a monogamist because I need the stability and familiarity of my wife because she knows me better than anyone else. I am not a social person and as a result, the circle of people I consider friends and/or family is a very exclusive club."
"Different strokes for different folks." ~ Digitalon
I really enjoyed it...
"So I dated a poly woman. I really enjoyed it. It was perfect, I was basically a side chick while I was in University and didn't have time for a monogamous relationship it was great."
"Also she was hands down the best girlfriend I ever had. Super supportive, super fun, super funny and bonus she is absolutely freaking gorgeous both physically as well as emotionally."
"We're still really good friends to this day. That all being said, when it comes to settling down, I don't think it's the lifestyle for me."
"But I 100% support any couple it works for." ~ Thoushaltdenycheese
Good for You!
Giphy"If it works for them, then more power to those people."
"I wouldn't do it."
"I'm into being monogamous in relationships. If I wanted to sleep with other people I'd be single." ~ mumblestheword
This isn't for everybody, and that is ok.
But what have we learned? Communication is EVERYTHING!
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