I don't have anything off the top of my head. Help!
The waiter replies...
Big Brother Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says 'I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please.' The waiter replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?'"
DiogenesCantPlay
Oh the Farmer...
"A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient. The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best."
"The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says 'I declare myself to be outside of the fence.'"
binglebongled
Infinite
"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away."
diamond
Fire Breaks Out
"A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms. Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room!"
"The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved. Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it."
"He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved. The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed."
latinomartino
Old Pavie...
Well Done Applause GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Here's an old one..."
"Pavlov was at the pub having a drink. A bell rang. Wide-eyed and alarmed, Pavlov stood up and exclaimed, 'Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs!'"
impolite_zebra
Pavlov never gets old. And dogs are always funny.
Eww...
Disgusted Steve Carell GIFGiphy"Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree."
"A woman walks by and says, 'gross!'"
"The guy says thank you."
K8isEnough
Werner
"While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?'"
"Werner replies 'No, but I know exactly where I was.'"
"The cop says 'You were driving 90 miles an hour.'"
"Werner replies 'Oh great! now we're lost!'"
proximalfunk
Time passes...
"A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, 'The measurement wasn't accurate.' The biologist says, 'They must have reproduced.' The mathematician says, 'If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.'"
damargemirad
Peanuts
"I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order."
chillywilly00
Words
Golden Girls Lol GIF by HULUGiphy"I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."
demanbmore
much less seven...
"An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong."
“'I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.'” The mathematician replies, “'Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.'”
Spacewolf1
We got it!
"A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer. The statistician shouts, 'We got it!'"
themattboard
Yell Back
"Guy yells to a stranger across the river, 'I need to get to the other side.' Stranger yells back... 'You are on the other side.'"
thestonez
"Similarly, if a stranger mistakes you for someone they know and say 'Oh, I thought you were someone else' the best reply is 'I am.'"
LazyDynamite
"My name's River and boy do I wish people would stop yelling at me!"
ReviLogic
Type of?
rabbit playing GIFGiphy"A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, 'I’m probably a type-o.'"
eadgster
Newton
"Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square."
"When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, 'Ha, I've found you, Newton!' Newton however replies, 'No you haven't! You've found Pascal!' And where's Heisenberg? We don't know."
iamtheoneorgasmatron
Infinite
"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says 'okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!'"
MegawackyMax
Lessons in School
"When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said 'now, I want you to use the words 'Foreigner' and 'contagious' in the same sentence without being racist.' For a moment I pondered and replied 'My neighbor's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious.'"
Fuzzwuzzle2
He orders one beer...
"A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar. He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers. He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor. Another man walks into the bar and it breaks."
Macaroni-N-Beans
Perfect Landing
Channel 9 Reaction GIF by Married At First SightGiphy"Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long off the hole. The statistician yells 'HOLE IN ONE!'"
Robbylution
A good working with words is always a smart choice.
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Redditor jaysmith007 wanted to talk about the careers that used to be lauded that are now a big laugh.
"What profession was once highly respected, but is now a complete joke?"
Salespeople have really taken a hit. Car dealers use to be revered, now we know they're thieves trying to fleece us. I'm exaggerating, but you know what I mean.
LOUDER
"The town crier."
GengarIsLife
"We actually have one where I live, he appointed himself in the early 90s and still “announces” town events while wearing a silly hat and ringing a bell. It’s kind of amazing."
bandi53
GiphyPages
"My friend's Dad was a pretty successful ad salesman for yellowpages. After no one needed phone books anymore and he cheated on his wife and had 2 divorces, and bought a purple Harley with a dragon on it, he then became a seller of funeral packages."
DarTouiee
Bye Guys
"Milkman, now they are just everyones secret father."
TheAngloLithuanian
"The mailman had taken over that responsibility. Now we've got the Uber Eats people doing that in the 21st century."
adsarelies
"Milkmen are still a thing! They just are more truckers than like the 50’s style milkman everyone thinks of. My family has a long line of milkmen (yes yes hilarious) who deliver milk commercially like to grocery stores etc. But my grandfather started out as the traditional 'delivers milk to your house type.'"
ida_klein
Opinions are like...
"Critic, for the most part. It used to be that to be taken seriously as a critic, you had to have some accomplishments in the field you were critiquing, to show that your opinion on the subject was worth some value. Somewhere along the way, the position devolved to 'any a**hole with an opinion is a critic.' It has fallen even further in the internet age, with 'critics' giving obviously stupid 'hot takes' just so their name can be spread out among the media."
FDRockAtWork
I feel so bad for teachers. They deserve all of our support.
Hippie
"Philosopher. Socrates, Plato, Aristotle. Now if someone tells you they are a philosopher you probably assume they don’t have a job and do a lot of drugs."
Dr_Ugs
GiphyWorld Planner
"Travel agent."
drunkqueen
"Travel agents are still worth it if you live in a non major city. They can book multiple non associated airlines on one ticket, something you can't do yourself. If you book two different airlines yourself, and the first flight is late, your second flight will be cancelled and you'll lose your money. Travel agent can just rebook you."
turniphat
Zero Experience
"Chef. My dad was a chef and in his day you could have your pick of jobs. Literally walk out of a restaurant and into another by the end of the day. People respected them and allowed creative and financial freedom. Now I work as a chef and I constantly have to answer to people (managers, waitresses etc) who have absolutely 0 culinary experience."
"The pay is sh**ty, the hours are ridiculous it's about 3 decades behind in terms of workers rights. This goes double for smaller places like non-chain bars and restaurants. They know that theirs always another chef looking for a new gig and often have no problems treating chefs like absolute dogsh*t."
BanditSurvivalist
Fabulous Air
"Air hostess- Once the symbol of glamor now it's like a joke."
peoplecallmedude797
"I’ve been flying for 14 years and even in that short amount for time, I’ve seen quite a change in the level of respect. When I started it was 'oh that’s so cool' to now it’s like, 'wow that really sucks.' I still love it (most days) but yea."
Sky_hostess
Fallen Gods
"Journalist. It used to be a respected and necessary career, now, for more than one reason, it's lost almost all the respect it had."
Dovahnime
GiphyWalter Cronkite must be turning over in his grave. We need our principled journalists now more than ever.
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Redditor emclouds asked people to ponder:
"You suddenly travel back 100,000 years to a cave that will eventually be discovered by archeologists, what do you write on the wall to mess with them?"
It's A Sign
"Find out the exact person who will discover said cave, figure out their address, write their address with a specific date, watch them freak out all day."
- TheDonutMan55
"then add 'We will come for you'."
- HeyImZhen
Stephen Would Have Laughed
"My sincerest apologies to Mr. Hawking for missing his party."
"It appears I overshot."
- Nyxu
GiphyPlanetoid Revenge
"A model of our solar system, with an arrow pointing to Pluto saying 'the key'."
- lakewood2020
"Arrow pointing to Pluto saying, 'It's a planet!'"
- SuperCerealShoggoth
Perspective
"Draw a picture of Earth from space."
- CarkillNow
"Draw it as Pangea to really confuse them."
- Gandolf794
"Signed: 'Thug lyfe 3.14159265358979323' and add that S symbol from the 90s..."
- DarrelBunyon
GiphyOminous
"If you know the date it will be discovered add 'We will be back for our planet' and put it say 20 years ahead of that date."
- nerys71
Even More Ominous
"We have used the last of Earth's magic to seal away their dimension and leave you this message in the language of your time."
"Proceed no further."
"You must not destroy the barrier."
"If released they will bring the downfall of your species as they have done to ours."
"DO NOT BREAK THE BARRIER"
- YeahButUmm
Oops...
"E = MC2 + (chip off piece of wall)"
- gotwired
"Dark matter is comprised of—(graffiti painted over the answer)"
- NoStepOnMe
GiphyClueless
"Congratulations, you have found the second clue."
"To find the third and final clue, go back to the first clue and read it backwards."
- steeple_fun
We're Not Saying It Was Aliens
"A bunch of stick-figure guys with spears, running away from a flying saucer that's shooting lasers at them."
- Wadsworth_McStumpy
GiphySo, what message would you leave?
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