Rumors are nasty. They are unverified factoids designed to shame someone who is seen as disagreeable.
They have a tendency to spread like wildfire, and once the momentum kicks in, the rumor is virtually impossible to stop because people will believe what they want to believe. Sounds familiar, right?
On the other hand, there are the kinds of rumors that are just so incredibly ludicrous, it's hard not to laugh.
Curious to hear from strangers online who were left in stitches over ridiculous gossip about themselves, Reddtor ad_ch asked:
People love hearing big news. So when none have been announced, just make it up!
Didn't Put A Ring On It
"Someone texted me congratulating me on being engaged. It turns out some girl back home that I saw while I was on leave brought one of her mother's rings to school and told everyone I proposed while I was there. That promptly ended any communication I had with her lol."
Love Is Love
"That I am lesbian. I guess it was because I haven't had a boyfriend till I was 20 and because I was openly supporting LGBTQ community. It was funny because people were counfused and were asking my sister about my orientation."
"That I got my gf pregnant. I'm gay. I didn't even know I had a gf."
Former Flat Earthers Explain What Finally Made Them Come Around | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
These Redditors were seen as really bad people who did really bad things.
The Maybe Drug Dealer
"In school someone spread the rumor that I was a drug dealer and some really believed it. I was such stiff who didn't even taste alcohol or cigarettes because I was underage."
"Started a new school. The reason...I killed my grandmother and mother and was forced to. You know...the typical punishment for a 9 year old who committed a double homicide. Switch elementary schools."
Folsom Prison Blues
"That I murdered someone just to know what it felt like. I assume someone from high school overheard me singing Johnny Cash and didnt recognize it as a song."
Students love to gossip about anything. "Did you hear about...?"
Yes, we've heard them all. But maybe not these:
The Campus Resident
"That I lived inside the school i think this came from me wearing the same clothes every day but in reality i had a lot of the same clothes that were really cozy."
"I was ranked 3rd best fighter in high school before I'd even been in a fight."
"In middle school there was a rumor that went around about me needing an emergency vasectomy. It got so bad that the main office called to wish me well."
The Feared Computer Nerd
"In the early 90s I was the stereotypical computer nerd at my high school. There were very few of us in my high school who knew anything about computers. I was into phone phreaking but didn't really tell most people. Mostly I was just the skinny kid who wore nerdy tshirts. I was sort of surprised I never got bullied and school was pretty uneventful."
"We had a mini five year reunion that some people went to. I mentioned the stuff about bullying and someone I'd known since grade school said 'Well everyone knew you got angry at someone and changed all their grades to F one semester so even the worst kids were afraid of you.'"
"This was a total shock to me. I never learned much about hacking much less knew how to change people's grades. But hey... kept me out of trouble so it worked out in the end."
These things people said about brothers are just wackadoodle.
"Not me but my brother."
"He collapsed at work and was rushed off to hospital in an ambulance. He recovered and was back in the office the following week and was talking to someone who asked if he'd heard about the guy who collapsed last week and was taken off in an ambulance? Apparently he died …"
"I suggested to my brother he should have offered to start a collection for the family."
"My little brother told people I was Japanese and that I did boxing, because he thought it would be a flex
Turns out more kids believed him than what I'd expect and they all were deceived to find a skinny caucasian guy instead."
When I was in middle school, the rumor had gotten around that I held a black belt in Karate. I've never taken Karate.
Obviously, the origin of that rumor stemmed from me being Asian, and it was presumed that all Asians were martial arts experts.
My prepubescent peers were so racist. Yet, looking back, I do have to chuckle over the fact that the rumor may have protected me from being harassed.
They must've thought I could easily Karate chop their heads off if they ever antagonized me at school.
Why they stopped believing in the rumor by the time I got into high school is beyond me. I didn't get majorly bullied but there were occasions where I wished I was a martial arts master. Sigh.
911 operators have a front row seat to the moments when people are most stressed out.
These are the professionally calm voices on the other line when somebody calls in the midst of total catastrophe, a sudden tragedy, and imminent danger.
With one call coming in after the next, all shift long, it's not difficult to see how draining that job could be.
But there are occasionally calls that leave an operator chuckling. Some people choose to call 911 for the weirdest things.
Thankfully, a good 911 operator can sift through the the true emergencies and the strange, unnecessary call. Lucky for us, however, those ones ended up on a recent Reddit thread.
For some operators, it was all about the animal stories. You'd be stunned how many people call 911 when a weird animal mishap strikes.
"I only worked dispatch for a few months and I got a call for a fish being stuck in a woman's ear." -- jajison
"Did they arrest the fish?" -- AlienSandwiches
"I- I have several questions" -- The_Official_Dave
Narrating the Whole Thing
"I had a guy call in on 911 because he was concerned about a seagull he thought was injured in a Chipotle restaurant parking lot. Apparently while on the phone, he tried to pick up or check on the bird at which point the bird started squawking, then he started freaking out and I started having trouble telling them apart."
"Then there I could hear what might have been wings flapping, a brief silence, and suddenly the guy started hyperventilating and screaming he needed an ambulance because he was having a heart attack and that the bird flew off."
"I wasn't sure if he was being serious so I got him over to EMS as a precaution. Upon transfer and getting EMS on the line he got very quiet and said, 'I think I'm okay, I'll call you back later,' and hung up and would not answer on callback."
"I still wonder about Steven Seagull when I drive by a Chipotle."
"Not a 911 operator but during residency they had us shadow one during my EMS month."
"This woman called 911 3 times in 10 minutes for a service animal in a mall. 'He's here staring at me! No I don't care that he's helping. He just licked his nuts!' "
All Kinds of Wildlife
"I just certified as a call taker and got mandated for overtime (of course) on my first shift. Policy was if someone insisted they saw something we take it as face value and enter the call."
"Well this lady called me just after midnight and swore she saw a chupacabra on the west side of Orlando and Insisted in an officer doing an area check."
"Not too long after that a coworker was in on his night off and left the building. He called 2 mins later saying he saw a kangaroo hopping down the street."
"I can't make this sh** up"
The Great Pig Chase
"Former dispatcher here. My funniest call was a guy called in and said he wanted to report a pig running around."
"I had to ask a pig, as in curly tailed pig. He said yes sir he's running by taco bell now."
"I dispatch out animal control who gets on scene and asks for help. One of our officers assists and for the next 40 minutes or so I got to listen to two of the cities finest chase a young pig around businesses."
"Once the pig was finally caught it was determined the pig came from a transport truck. The driver said he didn't want the pig back so the pig was given to the humane society."
"Never did hear what happened to the little fellow after that."
And now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the steamiest reasons to call 911.
Professional Removal Required
"When I was a Fire dispatcher, I had to send a Squad to remove a penis ring. So there's that." -- bravosarah
"I'm just trying to visualize how they managed to get that off the poor bastard. Did they use bolt cutters or something?" -- SOUNDEFFECT94
"My aunt talks about a dude came into her ER with a titanium ring. They didn't have the equipment to cut it off so the firefighters has to come in with the jaws of life."
"Amazingly it went well and the dude kept his penis." -- Commercial_Nature_44
"One time a guy called in while I was training and stated he had cut his penis. When I answered you cut your penis?! The trainer smacked me on the arm and told me he said he'd cut his hand. She looked at me like the biggest pervert!"
"Then 10 seconds later into the conversation he says, 'Yeah I was trying on a rubber that was too small and I had to cut it off so I cut right into my penis!' She almost couldn't stop herself from laughing."
When a Kink Leads to Some Logistical Issues
"Numerous calls where someone has handcuffed themself to a SO during coitus and lost the key (if it's not busy this seems to draw most available officers)."
"Not me but a coworker: a person was pleasuring themselves with the handle of a scissors and it got stuck."
And others shared the moments that were so ridiculous they were almost cartoonish. Strap in for surreal images, absurd logic, and shocking circumstances.
Man vs. Machine
"There are funny calls that come in all the time. I talked to a pizza delivery guy who couldn't reach his destination because a defiant chicken was standing in the middle of the road. I stayed with him on the phone as he pleaded with it to finally move along. Truly a chicken crossing the road moment."
"Another time I took a call where a guy insisted he was in an argument with a man dressed as a giant Pepsi bottle. He said the man in the Pepsi suit had stolen his debit card and refused to give it back. Upon arrival the officers told me he was high as sh** and arguing with a vending machine."
Trying to Show Off the Guns
"A man requiring extrication from an Under Armor insulated shirt. His shoulder popped out of the socket while he was pulling it on, it was halfway on/halfway off and his arm was locked and dislocated."
Who Was She Expecting?
"My sister once called because she wanted to know who would be on the other end of the line. I couldn't hear what the person said but I heard my sister's parts of the convo."
"Sister: hello? Who's this? ... Oh..."
"Then she hung up on the operator. They ended up calling back and my dad picked up and had to explain that his daughter was just being curious."
Procrastinating the Call
"My caller reported her car stolen. When I asked her when she saw her car for the last time she replied 1990. Yep, 30 years ago."
"She seemed unfazed on why I was surprised by her answer."
Keeping It In the Family
"I once called 911 because I cut my finger and wanted to talk to my mom, who was a dispatcher. I called crying asking to talk to her by name."
"She was more pi**ed at my dad for not waking up when I tried to go to him first haha."
A Concerned Citizen
"Actual 911 operator here. So far the silliest was a guy who called, all concerned about the number of birds flying around because there was an air show nearby and he was worried the planes would hit the birds"
"Friend of mine was a 911 dispatcher. The funniest call he ever had was a woman who claimed she was locked inside of her own vehicle."
"After explaining to her where the door lock switch was, she was able to free herself."
"A friend had cops called on him cause he was doing 'liquid' at the train station. It's a form of dancing at raves where your hands seem to look like liquid."
"The person who called the cops was scared it was satanic or something."
So if you can, try to take a breath and double check to make sure it's a reasonable time to call 911. Although you can rest assured that if it's really out there, you just might make someone's day.
Babysitters and daycare professionals have access to a unique vantage. As the trusted adults left in the room with a child or children, childcare workers are the ultimate flies on the wall.
And when a childcare worker performs that role for an extended period of time--an entire career in some cases--they become privy to a whole collage of different kids who come from different homes.
Sure, general trends and tendencies of parents create normal expectations, even monotony.
But there are times when kids do some WILD stuff that leaves a childcare worker raising their eyebrows.
And as a handful of Redditors clarified, the parents are nearly always a part of the final analysis.
Some Redditors shared truly bizarre occurrences. These kids just seem to tick on a whole other wavelength, and it's a wonder how they made it as far as they did, let alone the whole rest of life.
"I used to work at a daycare and this one kid kept trying to stick his finger in the electrical sockets (the sockets were taped off so he couldn't) and would fall from pretty high places and hit his head."
"I have no clue how he's still alive but I now believe he is immortal."
When In Doubt, Ice Cream
"I was babysitting my little brothers one day and they wanted to know about Bigfoot so I told them and I said it probably wasn't real so nothing to worry about."
"Then my littlest brother (4) said 'if I see Bigfoot I'll climb onto his back and rip his skin off' I didn't know what to say so I gave them ice cream."
"I'm not a babysitter, but a relative of mine was for a short period of time. She said this 4 or 5 year old kid would tell her about how he wanted to cut into his pets to 'see how they work.' "
"The creepy behavior continued, she brought it up to the mother who didn't seem to care. One day she arrived, and the kid brought her a handful of various teeth that weren't human, still bloody."
"That was the last time she babysat."
Plenty to Be Concerned About
"Babysat this kid while I was in high school. He was like 8, I was 17. He got thrown out of mainstream school for flipping a desk on his teacher."
"I think the biggest 'this kid is going to be screwed up when he's older' was either when he showed me his collection of knives he stole from the kitchen or when he took me to see his dads porn collection."
"Yeah, didn't work there too long"
What's Cool for Adults May Be Neglectful for Children.
"When I lived in Canada and worked as a nanny, I used to do casual babysitting on the side for a number of local families. One of them, well - the parents were cool people with basically good hearts, but they should never have been parents."
"Their youngest son had the video of the original Michael Keaton/Jack Nicholson 'Batman' screened at his fourth birthday party, then 'Army of Darkness' at his fifth; the fifth birthday party was attended by the then four year old that I was nanny to, and I had to play dumb and tell my employers that I had no idea why their son was running round the garden with a Super Soaker shouting 'This is my boomstick!' "
"The parents were also ex-hippies who hauled their son and his two older sisters round in a bus following the Grateful Dead, and they bought their son a 'Can You Find Stoned Waldo' T shirt at one of the shows..."
"...when the kid wore this shirt to school before he turned six, he was made to take it off and turn it inside out before putting it back on, and when asked if he knew why he'd been told to do this replied, "'Cause there's illegal activity on it, but my dad says it's not illegal if you're sick.' "
Other childcare professionals highlighted some truly sad scenarios they've encountered.
These situations hinged on parents who were simply not prepared for the task, struggled with trauma of their own, or were simply so disinterested that neglect was obviously at play.
Afraid of Home
"I'm a teacher, not a babysitter. But, when kids are afraid to go home or have their parents contacted about anything, there is something going on that raises red flags (and will, possibly, leave the kid fu**ed up for years to come)."
"I had a student a few years ago who broke down in tears in front of me, begging me not to email his mom. He had cheated on a test and was so scared of his mother finding out that, after the crying, he threw up in the trash can."
"If you are that scared of your parents, then something is majorly wrong."
When It's Time to Take Action
"I have a friend who worked in a daycare right out of college."
"There was a baby who came in everyday dirty and hungry, so when she changed the baby's diaper at the end of the day she would write the date and time on the diaper with a sharpie."
"That baby came back the next day with the same diaper.... 12 hours later. After a few days of that she called CPS."
Not the Best Plan
"Not a babysitter, but a Paraprofessional at an Elementary School."
"First Grade teacher goes around the classroom asking the kids what they want to be when they grow up. One of the boys says 'I want to go to prison like my Dad!' "
Luckily, None of Them Took
"Had a kid who doused his mother's bed with her and her current pump in it, with lighter fluid, and was sitting in the floor trying to light matches."
"He was just shy of 5. 😳"
Illustrated in Socks
"Shi**y parents that doesn't care."
"I once babysat a little boy, from the time he was 1-3. His mom was busy going on vacation and partying."
"I remember as he grew he had less and less clothes, because he outgrown the ones he had. I remember he only had 1 pair of socks, because his mom would lose every fu**ing sock."
"I felt ashamed delivering him to the daycare with two different socks, all the time. It may not seem like a big deal, but look at it from a different POV: if you can't take care of a pair of socks, how are you gonna take care of a baby?"
"Not a babysitter, but I think my cousin might be a good example in this situation."
"He moves around so much that he literally lives in a boat, he has done school virtual schooling his entire life, so his only friends are his cousins, and his mother is both a Covid denier and an anti-vaxer. I feel bad for the poor kid"
Sadly, Not a Priority
"Honestly, parents who don't care about the kid's education, for whatever reason. Probably, the parent didn't graduate high school in the first place and doesn't place a whole lot of value in education."
"Many of those kids (source: former teacher) end up working at McDonald's or struggling to find some other work. They don't even get into trades because you have to go to some kind of school for those, and school just isn't something they can 'do.' "
"This happened with my step-daughter, who is an absolutely wonderful person but her mom never cared how she did in school or even if she went. Hence her trying to make a living now at 25 by working in day cares, which does NOT pay very well."
"She wants to do other things but they'd all require school and she just says 'I hate school.' "
Other Redditors encountered kids who were at the whims of some atypical parenting decisions. They were raised to accept a reality that may never jive with the real world waiting for them after childhood.
Redditors could only sit and wonder how that would all turn out.
"Knew a kid whose parents thought it was funny to tell him the wrong names for things. Socks were called turtles. Put your turtles on. Sh** like this."
"Wondered why he had screaming meltdowns in daycare then kindergarten etc until he was finally able to read by himself. In grade 4. Because spelling turtle s o c k doesn't give you any head starts."
A Very High Bar
"I babysat a 6 year old and his parents has a few strange rules, but Smooth Time was by far the worst."
" first day while walking through the routine, I was told every evening after bath time, I was to cover this kid head to toe in petroleum jelly to 'prevent cracks in his skin"'aka dry skin."
"It happened every morning as well, but the mom or dad did it then."
"I really don't think it was anything malicious, the other rules were similarly overly-cautious like the kid had to wear shoes at all times to prevent him hurting his feet, but that kid is gonna have a hard time at his first sleepover."
"Not a babysitter but had a classmate that had parents that knowingly taught him the wrong things to avoid him getting confused and eventually pulled him out of school after only a few years of him being in our school."
"They said for example that negative numbers don't actually exist, decimal points are just full stops for big numbers and so on and so forth."
"Parents also gave him waaaaay too much free reign; I live in an area of London that isn't the best for crime, i.e. you shouldn't really be letting children go to school by themselves until at least age 14-15 and if so at least with a few friends."
"By age 8 his parents allowed him to go to school by himself (he lived about 15 minutes away). He was also extremely clumsy and could be very rude."
Their Way or the Highway
"I was a casual babysitter, but when I lived in LA I babysat for a family that lived in a giant house on a hill and they refused to say no to their kid, and I wasn't allowed to either."
"She wanted to do something dangerous and I wouldn't let her, and she told me her parents let her do it. I said 'well I'm responsible for your safety right now so I can't let you do that.' "
"When her parents got home they scolded me for saying no. That was the last time I babysat for them."
So if you haven't had kids yet, take a good hard look at this list, and commit these faux pas to memory. When it's time, you'll be able to avoid at least a few glaring no-no's.
As children, we were mystified by the boring parts of life that grown-ups seemed not only to put up with... but embrace.
Wanting to go to bed early? Saying no to dessert? Initiating plans to do yard work? These were inconceivable thoughts, and they felt galaxies away from the person we'd ever become.
But anybody who's grown to be at least in their 20s--or beyond--those habits and priorities, quietly and without you noticing right away, become a part of your own life.
And while many adults share the common chores that are standard parts of home maintenance and a life spent earning a living, there's no doubt that our particular approach is informed by the adults you observed most growing up: your parents.
The discovery of just how like our parents we appear when we complete those tasks--down to tones of voice and minor quirks--can be alarming to say the least.
Connect-Slide4504 asked, "What's the most 'I'm turning into my parents' moment for you?"
Cleaning and organization are some of the most common areas where parental influence holds some serious sway.
Once tasked with taking care of a home or apartment of our own, we begin to witness a bizarre, familiar investment in how that place looks and feels.
Unilateral Decision Making
"When I was cleaning the kitchen and didn't want anyone else to help because I felt like it wouldn't be done right." -- Cornwalace
"Oh lord do I feel this! When I had housemates, the only time I could clean properly was when no one else was home because they tried to help and did it wrong!" -- Isoldmysoul4atwix
"Or cleaning the bathroom! The first time I asked my SO to clean the shower he got a paper towel. NONONONONO. You need a sponge at the minimum, ideally a scrubbie brush to get that gunk out! He's since learned my way (the proper way lol) of cleaning the bathroom." -- feedmedammit
"I no longer tolerate clutter. This past week alone, I sorted out the spice cabinet to the degree that I ended up trashing about 50 vials of expired herbs, spices and sauces, the oldest of which was a bottle of soy from 2013."
"It was a long overdue task and normally I HATE doing anything resembling housework but lordy, it was immensely satisfying to see everything neat, tidy and easily accessible."
"I also have started a binder/folder system to store all important documents that were building up on the overstuffed noticeboard, I'm about to tackle the hoard of books under the coffee table and sometime during the weekend, I might even clear out the medicine cabinet."
"I also spotted a box of 'Microwave Cleaner' on sale in the store today and my first thought was 'ooh, €1.50 a box! That'll be handy.'"
"I can't believe I'm saying this but doing housework has made me feel so much more productive in this pandemic along with giving my depression a bit of a kick up the arse."
"It's not an outright cure-all but I'm happier going to bed exhausted by a busy day and feeling accomplished by the end of it rather than lying awake all night lamenting the fact that I've wasted my waking hours once again."
"Going grocery shopping or folding laundry on a Friday/Saturday night. Thinking 8pm is too late to leave the house to do anything."
"In my defense it IS a pandemic, so not much to do otherwise. It's also winter, and I'm pregnant.. so maybe I'll be cool again someday."
Opting for Nice Things
"Oh my god I just told my sister I was turning into our mom the other day."
"Last year I bought a set of 'nice' silverware. Not extremely fancy but like a $60 set. Well, my daughter dropped a fork in the trash can and said 'I'm not digging through the trash to find it.' I was like bet your a** you are! I was so pissed."
Never to Be Touched, In Any Home
"The first time I yelled 'DON'T TOUCH THE FU**IN' THERMOSTAT!' Now, to be clear, this was directed towards my wife, who for some reason has about a two degree comfort range. My kids were confused, because they aren't old enough to know what a thermostat is or what it does."
"A few weeks go by, and I hear my wife in the living room tell my son 'Tell Alexa to turn the thermostat up.' I lean into the doorway a bit, and my son locks eyes with me."
"He then looks my wife dead in the eyes, with the most serious look he can muster and says "No way Mommy. Daddy said don't touch the fu**in' thermostat! Are you trying to get Alexa in trouble too?!" We both died."
Others recognized their parents incarnated in their own weird quirks. These weren't connected to chores, but habits and tendencies when their guard was down.
But those moments are the ones that really show who we are.
Credits, Yes. First Scene, Maybe. Anything Else, No Chance.
"I started falling asleep during movies. I used to get so mad at my mom for doing that, now I have a job and I understand why." -- juliajmusic
"If my wife and kids put a movie on after 7:00 p.m., I just look at it as an early bedtime. I'm asleep within 5 minutes." -- georgefishersneck
"This was me last night, she put on Princess and The Frog, I fell asleep almost instantly. She woke me up when it ended and I felt bad." -- nahiaintdoingthat
Beginning to Picture the Worst
"Last night, when I got worried because my fiancé was 5 minutes late coming home from the gym and I caught myself saying 'I can't help it, I worry about you.' "
"Bam, I have become my mother."
An Age Old Quip
"There is a shower in my basement that no one ever uses. There are a couple dead bugs in it that I've never bothered to clean up. When our niece came to stay with us for a few days, she planned to stay in the basement."
"My wife asked why I hadn't cleaned the dead bugs out of the shower, I opened my mouth and heard my dad say, 'They go with the decor.'"
"I a 63yo woman but caught myself in a mirror and all I saw was my father!" -- amyabrooks50
"I kept logging onto Facebook and catching my profile picture and thinking, 'How is my deceased mother posting new pictures on Facebook???' "
"She wasn't. It was me. It's me every time. I look just like her." -- fireflygalaxies
Life Before 9am
"My parents were always early risers. On Sunday they're up and banging around in the kitchen by 7am. They made enough racket that even though we had a pretty big house that they'd always wake me up. Always pissed me off."
"When i moved out six years ago i thought 'finally, I'll be able to sleep in.' But i can't. Even without an alarm, on vacation, I'm awake by 7-7:30. If I'm really exhausted i might be able to sleep in until ALMOST 8:30, but no later."
"It's advantageous in a lot of ways but just once in a while I'd like to sleep in."
There is one other time when people let their guards down and the true inner essence comes out: moments of anger. Plenty of Redditors discovered the sounds and sights of their parents when they were disciplining their own children.
But their responses to those moments offered some hope of wisdom growing across the generations.
"The 'Mom finger,' I'm a dude. 'Don't you ever let me catch you...' " -- DigitalBishop
"There's a special Italian variant of this, instead of a finger it's a wooden spoon. If you don't immediately obey the holder of the spoon may God have mercy on your soul." -- ahahahahelpme
An Age Old Classic
"The first time 'get off of my lawn' popped in my head." -- adansby
"The first time I yelled at a kid that biked across my lawn I was 23... The realization hit me like a brick wall." -- Thefocker
Presence of Mind
"Yelled at my kid and at the same time saw myself out the corner of my eye in the mirror."
"I was yelling something my dad used to yell at me, and I look a lot like him."
"I hated it when I was a kid, and immediately apologised to my kid."
Not Heating the Whole Neighborhood
"When I was a kid, I was constantly going outside and coming back inside. It annoyed my mom to no end. She used to say 'In or out!!!! Pick one!'"
"About 20 years later, I have an amazing kid. Now that he's old enough, he is constantly going outside or coming inside and NEVER closes the the sliding glass door."
"Hence, either heat or air conditioning is being wasted for most months out of the year. I caught myself telling him 'In or out!!!! Pick one.....oh crap, now I understand my mom's frustration.....'"
"And yes, I've told him to shut the door. Many, many times. He's never closed a door or turned off a light without my reminding. I'm hoping it sinks in soon. Sigh."
"Yelling at the news is one. I remember constantly asking my dad if he realized the people on tv couldn't hear him."
"Sometimes you just have to yell though."
Lights Out, Twerps
"When I went thru my house the other day, yelling to my two young kids, 'When you leave a room, turn the LIGHTS OFF!! This costs money!!'"
"I've officially become my dad."
So next time you catch yourself sounding just like your mother or father, take note.
Perhaps you're repeating a wonderful, fun attribute that you should have no shame in replicating. Or maybe it's an uglier tendency, and your noticing can help you dial it down.
Either way, rest assured that the moments won't stop coming.
Hilarious moments are blind to timing. They seem to strike at the absolute worst times, when laughing would be completely inappropriate.
But when hilarity strikes--maybe because someone misspoke or some Three Stooges-esque physical comedy erupted out of nowhere--us humans are defenseless.
We cackle and guffaw with the same sudden impulse of a sneeze or blinking.
Only after that initial chuckle do we have the wherewithal to suppress it under a covered mouth, rocking shoulders, and even tears.
rockosmodernbuttpug asked, "What's the funniest thing you've seen someone do that you weren't allowed to laugh at?"
Thankfully, Crying Can Look Like Laughing
"Great Uncle's funeral.
"The vicar was doing his thing, but when he said 'our soul,' in his posh-ish accent it sounds just like 'arsehole' and it got me. I managed to keep it together the first time, but after the second one I could barely hold it back...."
"It was something like, 'our soul is something we should cherish, it defines who we are...'"
"I was stifling laughter to the point of tears, my mum said after she thought I was crying."
One Man Show
"A guy was acting as his own attorney. He was questioning himself in court by standing up, asking a question, then sitting down to answer it."
"The judge finally looked at him and said, 'Sit down, Mr. X.' I almost lost it, but managed to hold my court demeanor."
A Dick Manifesto
"At my friend's grandfather's funeral. The first sentence of the pastor's speech was 'We are all here because we love Dick so much.' His name was Richard."
"This holy man gave a 15 minute speech about his love of Dick and how Dick changed his life. My wife and I did not make eye contact through the entire thing for fear of busting out laughing in a quiet crowded church."
"It took me about a year to ask my friend his thoughts about it and apparently he was close to losing it too."
Til the Very End
"A friend of mine who was always late to work died after an epileptic fit. The undertakers and vicar got delayed and he was late to his own funeral and it was the most fitting and hilarious moment and he'd have loved it."
"But obviously you can't burst out laughing when the staff at a funeral tell you that he's not there yet."
"I was in a cadaver lab for an anatomy class, and that week we were learning hip and upper leg muscles. My group were at the table and one of the guys proceeded to roll the cadaver leg over, from looking at the hamstring to study the quads."
"We didn't realise that the leg belonged to a male until its manhood slapped him straight on the back of his hand."
"Entire group was breathing super hard trying not to laugh and appear disrespectful in the eyes of the tutors, but I honestly reckon the guy would've been laughing with us."
Taking It in Stride
"Paramedic here, watched a drunk falling down a bunch of stairs."
"He then just screamed at his friend to get him a new beer because he dropped his. Nearly pissed myself."
She Knows Not What She Doesn't Know
"Just two nights ago my picky daughter was telling us that she didn't like meat loaf, no way, no how."
"Then she described a Japanese hamburger steak that she wanted to make: hamburger, bread crumbs, egg, ketchup, soy sauce, etc."
"When she was done, I said that she described the exact thing sitting on her plate, and she got really mad. Laughing only made her madder. Couldn't stop laughing though."
Nothing Else to Say
"I was watching hunger games in theaters and the Rue death scene caused a reaction from the person behind me that left me laughing so hard I thought the people who didn't hear her would think I was a horrible person."
"Right when the spear hits her I heard this 'O DAMN' from behind me like the most stereotypical dumb reaction gif sound effect of a dude getting kicked in the nads."
"It clashed with the scene so much and was the only time the person ever spoke it just cracked me up"
"Helping a Grade 2 class (~8 year olds) and one of the kids was just so loud. He was running around the class when one of the girls held out her arm and clotheslined him."
"I was able to keep a straight face for that but she kneeled down and yelled, 'Boom!' at him."
"He started crying, they both got a detention, and I almost bit through my tongue."
Growing Into It
"My step Dad was an Italian from Manhattan. He had the classic Italian mobster accent. We all live in Minnesota, born and raised. So his accent was definitely different from what we're used to."
"My brother loved to playfully make fun of him by imitating him by saying classic Italian mobster exclamations along with the hand mannerisms. Stepdad was a laid back guy and found it funny and the banter between those two was very light hearted."
"So, one day, we were having a small get together at our house with my mom, stepdad, my brother and a few friends. We were all hanging out outside when my 4 year old daughter excited started saying 'Uncle Pauly, Uncle Pauly! Watch this!'"
"As everyone watched, she went over to a piece of dog poop, pointed at it by shaking her open palmed hands, and exclaimed in the most perfect Italian Mobster accent 'What the f*** is thiiiis?!' She even did the head bob perfectly."
"We all stifled laughter."