Mothers Explain How They'd Feel If The Father Asked For A Paternity Test
In every relationship, there are bound to be some tough conversations, like how to budget and deciding whether to move somewhere new.
But there are other conversations, like getting a paternity test or going through someone's phone, that potentially imply a lack of trust.
Redditor BlueSharker asked:
"Women, would you care if your husband wanted to do a quick, basic, cheap DNA test to make sure the kids are 100% his? And why?"
Healthy Relationship
"I love the wording of a 'quick basic cheap' test, like hey, it's no big deal, this is a totally normal quick little thing healthy strong couples do!"
"Like, Baby, it's no big deal. I just want to test the kids' DNA to make sure I can trust you."
- kaksereciklira
Feeling Insulted
"I just asked my wife this, and she said, 'I will rip your nads off and feed them to you if you want that d**n test.'"
"So yeah, they care."
- exportz
Holy Insinuation, Batman
"Asking for this test either means:"
"1. You think I cheated on you but don't want to actually accuse me directly of it and deal with the fallout of being wrong which is both cowardly and insulting and also didn't work."
"2. You have been spending time on unsavory red pill internet sites and are dumber and more gullible than I thought when I married you and I've now lost all respect for your critical thinking skills."
"3. You don't want to be married or be a father to our kids anymore and are looking or an excuse to leave. Perhaps you are yourself cheating, or you are hiding some other secret or opinion from me and have been for a while."
"None of these scenarios are good. I would 100% be rethinking the whole marriage at this point. What else are you going to blindside me with and when? Probably better to just leave on my own terms than wake up one day and find you gone and all the accounts drained."
- Fantastic_Poet4800
Lack of Trust
"I wouldn't be opposed to the actual request because I have nothing to hide."
"But the fact that he felt the need to ask 100% indicates his lack of trust in the marriage and that is the bigger issue that I would be seriously concerned about."
"That would generally be my same response to any hypothetical requests for my husband to look through my phone. Like superficially, I don't care. It's just memes and pics of our kids. But the inevitable longer form conversation that gets triggered by that is why is the trust gone."
- golemsheppard2
Quiet the Haters
"I’ve offered it to my boyfriend for our one and only child to shut up all the naysayers in his family who were telling him it wasn’t his."
"And he said my offering is even more suspicious than not offering."
"Which, I don't know how the f**k that makes any sense, but whatever dude. The kid is yours. Do it or don’t. I don't care."
- linkxlink
The Terrible Mother-in-Law
"My ex-husband’s mom was really weird about our firstborn not looking like him."
"He and I are very different in looks, where he’s black hair, and tan skin, and I’m strawberry blonde, and very fair."
"The son was born with brown hair and blue eyes."
"He tans a bit but definitely doesn’t look like his dad... because he looks like a darker-haired version of MY dad."
"The crazy s**t was, my ex was cheating on ME for most of the marriage and both kids are absolutely his because I don’t play stupid games."
- Dorkadoodle
Child Support Conspiracy
"My father tried telling everyone I wasn't his kid (I was conceived maybe a week or two before he got caught cheating on my mum)."
"My nan took one look at me and laughed in his face. She eventually convinced him to acknowledge me and pay his child support. I love my nan."
- maybebabyg
Going No Contact
"When my parents’ divorce started getting nasty, my father accused my mother of cheating, and that I was the result of it."
"He asked me over and over again to get a test and sure enough, I’m his biological son. He didn’t believe the result and kept asking me to do more tests."
"Among other reasons, I don’t speak to him anymore."
- Loopnova_
Taking the Estate
"I got my revenge on my dad's family who never believed I was his (my parents were together for 30 years but never married)."
"He passed away without signing his will. At his funeral, his sisters poked at my nose and pulled on my ears, questioning whether I was really their niece."
"So I got a posthumous paternity test done. The entire estate went to me and I didn’t give them a dime."
- qiwizzle
Empathetic Testing
"I would not care. My husband found out late in life that he has a different biological father due to DNA testing and it crushed him. I would understand that the test has more to do with that circumstance than his trust in me."
"That being said, even after going through everything with his dad, he never tested our kids, but I told him multiple times to go for it and I’d be totally fine!"
- CharacterLoquat6950
Accidental Discoveries
"One of my best friend's dads bought her and her two sisters Ancestry.com tests only for her older sister to get a 'Congrats! You have a half-sister!' email after my friend’s results were submitted."
"Obviously, she called her dad like 'What the f**k is this,' and he had them retest the results twice."
"He had to be the one to break the news to my friend. He absolutely had no clue before this happened, and he broke down crying and told her that she was still his daughter regardless."
"We were 24 at the time, and I genuinely can’t imagine how it must’ve felt to be either of them receiving that news."
"Her mom even tried to deny it at first before finally coming clean."
- ElysianReverie21
Grocery Store Antics
"'Here's a picture of my kid' … 'and here is the DNA test proving it!'
"'Can I leave now, officer? He just likes to scream kidnap for fun…'"
"Sigh. I love taking them to the grocery store with me."
- drewbreeeezy
Dad Jokes Galore
"I recently discovered that none of our three children are mine biologically."
"I feel so stupid, I should have known something was up when they all existed before I met my wife."
"All kidding aside, as a stepdad, I do find it genuinely tragic when dudes completely abandon kids and withdraw all love because it's not theirs, not their problem. I understand complex emotions surrounding the marital betrayal, but I can't imagine just peacing out on a kid whose fault it categorically isn't."
- Overthinks_Questions
What's the Point?
"Our kid looks so similar to my husband that her face unlocks his phone."
"Sure, do the test."
- noopibean
Not the Mother
"As a child, I overheard my Mom say to my Dad, referring to me: 'She is nothing like me. Are you sure you didn't cheat on me?'"
"I really never had much in common with my Mom, and at that age, I didn't know anything about how babies are made, so I thought she was serious and lived with that doubt for a few years."
- MsMaggieMcGill
While some people were able to make jokes or could otherwise point out why paternity testing had been helpful in their own lives, most were concerned about the lack of trust asking for a test implied.
Children are not for everyone. Yes, to some they are "bundles of joy," but to others, they are simply not a good choice.
For example-children are expensive. Most millennials don't make a ton of money, hardly enough to support themselves, let alone a family.
Others see the state of the world and think, "Why would I bring a child into this?"
u/Yuckoz asked:
What's your main reason for not wanting children?
Here were some of those answers.
Not My Style
There doesnt have to be a reason. I dont want to raise kids. You can choose not to work a desk job or choose not to own a vehicle without a big discussion, but if you choose to not have children, people suddenly get interested in your business. I don't want to. Simple as that
Not Responsible Enough
The idea of being in charge of another human being, scares me.
It seems like a lot of things can inadvertently go wrong, even if you try your damn hardest to be the best parent you can possibly be. I mean, just take a look around you, at your peers or even at yourself. Pretty much no one comes out of their childhood unscathed. You got humans raising humans, so there's bound to be mistakes made along the way.
It's a lot of responsibility. It's a lot of time and it's a lot of money.
More power to the people who choose to become parents but I wish more people took the time to better understand the full commitment that they are about to embark on for the rest of their lives. When you become a parent, you no longer live your own life, your life now revolves around making sure that you are providing the best possible life for your child. It can mean a lot of sacrificing to ensure that your child has a better life.
For many people, just because they can have a kid, it doesn't mean that they should.
That's my two cents. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Pain
I don't ever, ever, ever want to go thorough pregnancy. It's terrifying to me. Also I just don't think I'd be a good parent. I'm still recovering from my own childhood; I shouldn't be responsible for someone else's.
Not My Path
I just don't see the appeal.
People have different dreams in life.
Some want to achieve great things, some want to help other life, some want to conquer the planet that has life, some want to look for undiscovered life.
It just happens that the natural biological imperative is to reproduce & make more life - hence the idea is so common.
I just don't want to do that, simple as.
Anxiety
I feel like I'd ruin them. I feel like I'd be an awful mother and make my child grow to resent me. I feel like I would completely fail a small human, or at the very least my self hatred would be reflected onto them and they would feel less loved and valued because of my mental illnesses.
Peace And Quiet
I just have no desire to. Having kids is too much of a hassle and I would much rather spend my time and money on myself than on a child. Plus, I enjoy the freedom and peaceful quietness that I get from being childfree.
Mental Health
Personally I don't see how it could make me happy. I'm very insecure about my own body and I would hate it so much more if I got pregnant and had a child. I never think I'm good enough at anything so I would kill myself worrying about if I'm a good enough parent. I don't see how dealing with behaviour, eating being a hassle, never having time for yourself, a child waking you up early, having someone else to worry about, and having more expenses could possibly make anyone happy. Maybe I will change my mind when I'm older, but I won't even be thinking about having a child until I'm fully happy with myself and my mental health has improved.
Money Money Money
The cost of having a child, plus I have a lovely host of diseases on both sides of my family that I could potentially pass on to my hypothetical child (Alzheimer's, diabetes, high blood pressure, weight problems, and so on).
Plus I don't want my life to be restricted - if I want to go on holiday, I don't want to have to wait until school holiday time so my child can come too (plus then you end up paying double the price, because that's when everyone wants to travel somewhere). If I want to move from one house to another (or hell, from one country to another), I don't want to have to worry about finding a house in the radius of a good school. I also don't want to constantly fret about my child's academic development - getting them into good primary schools (the best one in my city charges something ridiculous like $40,000 per annum for years 1-6), then worrying about getting them into a good university, and so on.
I want to be able to live my life freely - spend my income on fun things like a quick weekend getaway to the wine country, or whatever. I don't want to tie myself down.
Bad Lineage
Family history for disorders like autism, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia. Thankfully all I have is anxiety, but my mental health combined with the thought of having a child that struggles similarly or worse scares me. For the longest time I dreamed of the marriage/kids route, but there are a lot of "what-ifs" that have made me decide it would not be good for me or the child. It's hard enough some days for me to keep my shit together, adding a child on top of that seems like a not good idea.
A Bad Direction For The World
The environment is only gonna get worse tbh, the competition in schools and the workplace as well. Also, children are expensive and it's a little hard to travel the world for months when you have kids around. And I guess kids seem like they could turn out nasty too easily and I don't really wanna deal with that. That's probably about all the reasons.
Anti-Motherhood
Motherhood is a trap. If you stay home you have no income that you could possibly use to regain your independence if your relationship fails, if you keep working people think you're a bad mother, and no matter what, as the woman the majority of the housework and childrearing will be dumped on you (even if your partner says he'll do his fair share)
Having kids chains you to the person you have them with. It stifles your dreams for yourself, every good part of yourself is sucked out for the kids.
It's a straight up snare trap that you can never escape from (from my perspective)
A Hugely Analytical Look
Having kids is a bizarre combination of selfish and selfless behavior. You have to give up your autonomy completely, a totally selfless act right? Except you're doing it in the name of creating a half copy of you in order to maintain the future spreading of your DNA all over the world. I think a lot of people do it just because it's "what your supposed to do" and end up dropping the ball and creating dead weight in the world or worse. I think child rearing is only something worth doing if you put in 100% and I am not prepared to commit to that. If you drop the ball you may well be making the world shittier because of your selfish whim to clone yourself
Unfair Expectations
A few different things, one big reason is that I am consumed with my goals and I worry that I would be absent or resentful. A second concern is that the child would become a project and that I would push them too hard. It's an atmosphere I grew up in and, while it has shaped me in a big way, it created a lot of anger and resentment.
When It Passes Along
Aside from enjoying my lifestyle as it is (which would basically become nonexistent since my hobbies are both expensive and not child conducive) my real answer is that my mother has suffered with depression her whole life and so have I and I can't imagine creating something I love more than anything only to pass (essentially) my family defect onto them and watch them suffer with it for their entire life.
Kids? Ew, Next
I just kind of don't like children.
I don't like people much to begin with, but I get on with some people if we have similar senses of humour or interests.
Kids are like extra-annoying miniature people. They're loud, obnoxious. They require near constant care/supervision/attention until they're 13/14 or so. They ask stupid questions and require me to dedicate large chunks of my time and attention to them, much less bankroll everything they need - which is a lot.
The upside is, what? I get a child that lives in my house and calls me "Mum"? That's a terrible trade!
It's Much Too Hard
Not a solid never, but I nannied for 7 years and helped raise 2 sets of kids (3 infants from newborn to 4/5 year old kids).
Being a nanny you get to see the dynamic of the families you work with and you also are the person mom and dad vent to and it just seems really... hard? Especially with all the stress with the world we live in, should they be enrolled in more activities? Should we be doing more at home with them? If they're not in private school Will they get a decent education and go to college? How do we pay for that? Who will pay for braces? Who will pay for therapy if something traumatic happens or they need help? Who can watch them when both parents work?
I respect parents but I'm just not sure that I want to bring a child into this mess nor am I sure that I want to allocate all my funds and time to raising a little tiny person. It's a giant commitment and seeing it from the inside, I'm Just not sure it's the choice I want to make for myself..
New Mom Shares Her Gratitude Towards Her Husband In Viral Facebook Post
Much has been written about motherhood and fatherhood, about how it changes you, ushers in a swift change in priorities.
Lindsay Stauffer, a married mother of two, struck nerves when she shared her poignant and heartfelt memory of the day she gave birth.
Her husband's reaction to the birth had the most powerful effect on her.
She wrote about him in a Facebook post, recounting how the birth convinced her even further not just of her husband's love, but that he was meant to be both a father and provider.
Stauffer starts off with the following message:
"I was there the day you lost your heart."
"I watched you from across the dimly lit hospital room as you twisted and turned your body in every way imaginable, trying to get comfortable in the hard, stiff chair that would be your bed for the next few days. Your eyelids were heavy with exhaustion and rightfully so because the hands on the clock had moved into the wee hours of the morning."
"You'd been awake for almost twenty-four hours and yet you had stood by my bed arranging pillows and blankets to make me comfortable, leaned down to kiss my forehead, and told me to get some rest. I should've listened to you but I couldn't."
"Because just a few short hours ago we had officially become Mommy and Daddy, the evidence curled up and sleeping ever so soundly against your chest, and it had happened so quickly that my mind was in full sprint trying to catch up to the present."
She recalled how she felt watching her husband immediately adapt to fatherhood:
"And my heart?"
"It was busy taking in every single moment of you in your new role as Daddy. The way your eyes stayed fixed on our son's flawless newborn face, the way you studied his tiny fingers, the way you so carefully swaddled his little body, and the way you leaned down and whispered to him how much you loved him."
"Up until a few hours ago, you had only known this child through grainy, black and white photos and the sound of a strong, steady heartbeat but watching you with him now made it seem like you'd already known him forever.
I watched as you willingly gave up your comfort, your convenience, and your needs."
"And I watched as you gave up your heart."
"All for a sweet baby boy you'd known for only a few hours."
That was when things shifted:
"That was the moment I knew you would give anything for the precious, little life snuggled up against your chest, no matter what the cost."
"And husband? You haven't disappointed me."
"Not for a single second."
"You give when it's hard, when it's frustrating, when it's inconvenient, when it's uncomfortable, and even when we don't deserve it. But you never complain."
"Because giving isn't just what you do."
"It's who you are."
"You may question whether you're doing enough as a father and as a husband," she continues, before putting any concerns he might have about his abilities to rest:
"You may question whether you're doing enough as a father and as a husband, whether you're involved enough, whether you listen enough, whether you're strong enough, whether you love enough, but just know this:"
"We've never questioned you."
"We've always been sure of your love, not because you tell us, but because you show us. Your love shines through every act of selflessness and every sacrifice."
"You couldn't have loved us better."
"Not even if your heart was still completely yours instead of being held in the hands of the little ones who call you Daddy."
The post resonated with and touched the hearts of multiple women.
Stauffer's experience is only the latest to resonate with the online community.
In 2017, writer Juli Williams penned a similar post thanking her husband for all that he does.
"I want to thank you.
For holding my hair back as I hovered over the toilet those first few months of pregnancy.
For running out at 3AM to get me donuts because donuts make the happiest pregnant girls.
For letting me use all of your pillows so I could feel more comfortable sleeping with my big belly.
For holding my hand during labor to remind me how strong I am and how proud of me you are.
For rocking, swaying and bouncing our newborn even at 1AM, 3AM and 5AM so I could get some sleep.
I wouldn't be the mother I am today without you."
She proceeded to acknowledge him:
"I want you to know that I see you."
"I see how you stay up late at night looking for ways to provide for our family."
"I see that you've had a long day at work but still come home to happily put our baby to bed. And I see how she places her head on your chest and listens to your heartbeat as she drifts off to sleep."
"I see how you look at me when I take care of our child and how proud you are to see me grow into a new role before your eyes."
"I see how much you care about us and how hard you work to make us happy."
"I see you when you run to the drugstore at 2AM because I realized we were out of formula—again."
"Maybe our baby will grow up and not understand all you've sacrificed for us. But I want to let you know that I see you, and that."
"I know how much you pour into your work and to our lives together."
"I couldn't be the mother I am without you."
We're definitely better people after having read these. Kudos to all the fathers out there who are stepping up to the plate.