Strangers online revisited their dating history to share their lowest point in a relationship after Redditor thedamned234 asked:
"What is the worst thing your EX said during the breakup?"
These Redditors were kicked while they were down.
There are Options
"I can have any guy in this room, why would I want to be with you."
– wyoflyboy68
"No, you can f'k every guy in this room. It's different."
– PinceTancredi
Dispensible
"After I financially supported her for three years, I paid the travel expenses for American Idol auditions and one America's Got Talent audition. After I nursed her through her recovery after gastric bypass surgery, she said this,"
"You are worthless and I don't have time for you anymore."
– Elle12881
Actions Hurt The Most
"Abusive relationship for 3 years. Finally had enough and broke up with her after taking her to dinner. She got hostile (again) and I literally f'king ran out the restaurant. The worst was her screaming my name while driving in circles around the casino parking lot, honking the horn. She was not sad. She was angry as f'k."
– chaoticneutraldood
Trust issues were at the heart of these problematic relationships.
Hurting Before Getting Hurt
"Justifying her cheating because she thought I was cheating on her."
"I wasn't."
– TopTurtleWorld
"My girlfriend has been accusing me of cheating the last few months. I’ve been depressed and kind of distant, but I still only want her. My greatest fear in life is this. I don’t know what that says about my relationship and self-esteem but here we are."
– VANY11A
Just Someone She Lived With
"My last ex left me for the person she was cheating on me with, after 3 years together. When she came to get the last of her stuff, she would only talk about how she was worried she'd screwed up things with her new partner, cause he didn't know she was with me at the time. She'd lied to him and just said I was someone she lived with."
"She wasn't even sorry about what she'd done to me, just that it was causing problems with the person she actually cared about. Been hard to feel good about myself since then."
– Cheesus333
These words sting the most.
Oof!
"I wish we never met."
– Skyx10
"I usually get something similar from enemies and my brother"
– thedamned234
Undesireable
"My 2nd two year relationship, 'I feel disgusted when I touch you' that ate at me for a while. Much healthier and happy spot now."
– khadmon
By The Way
"Well, it is better than 'I'm breaking up with you because Im getting married tomorrow, please leave or I'll file a restraining order.' After 5 years in a relationship."
– sam-sung
Father Figure
"You'll never be a great father (before I even had children)."
"No reason why she should have said that except I held off having children with her because she was a heavy smoker and lied about quitting. I am now a father of two in a happy marriage of 9+ years. My kids tell me they love me every night and I spend almost all my money on them making memories, not stuff."
– cubsfanrva79
Consolation Prize
"After 5 and a half years: 'I was just afraid I would end up alone, so I settled for you.' Immediately after the break up she had a new boyfriend."
– kokosnoot32
Roommates With Benefits
"6 years and she used the same line on me as she did with the guy before me."
"We were just roommates who f'ked for the last 6 months"
"I'd bought us our firat house 3 months before."
"Over a year later and I'm still broken mess."
– accused_throwaway22
There's no way to soften the blow when it's time to breakup with someone–the worst of which happens when it's a unilateral decision.
Although I give compassion points for those who are not hostile during breakups, it doesn't help when they say, "It's not you it's me."
Like, that makes things so much better.
What do you think is the gentlest and honest way to breakup with someone?
When a relationship comes to a screeching halt due to infidelity or irreconcilable differences, how does one cope with the aftermath?
Being consoled by a best friend or getting medicated with a bottle of wine only temporarily dulls the pain, but are those enough when moving on is a one-sided dilemma?
Seeking advice from amateur relationship advice experts, Redditor strawberryshortbleep asked:
"How did you move on from your ex?"
Focus On You
Taking care of yourself is essential, because no one is more important than you in times of romantic despair.
Nurture Thyself
"Your self worth has to come from within. If you don't find happiness alone you'll never have it with another person. So the first thing you've got to do is convince yourself that you matter for you."
Steps Toward Recovery
"I have 5 rules:"
- Don't be angry, it just makes you bitter and no one has ever changed their outlook because someone was angry at them - humans just push back harder.
- Don't ask for explanations - they'll never be good enough. Only one person needs a reason — however weak — to not be in a relationship, otherwise it's a kidnap situation.
- Maintain your dignity, dignity can't be taken, only given.
- Make plans - follow through, your friends are your best resource.
- Look after yourself - mind, body and soul.
"Remind yourself of these everyday and give it time."
Sweat It Out
"Ran 3 miles a day."
"Honestly, the thing that has always struck me with breakups is your time. All of a sudden your schedule is cleared and you dont know what to do with it. What used to be netflix and dinner every night becomes nothing. The cool restaurant you wanted to try vanishes. Post relationship boredom is real. And in that boredom, you start going down some dark paths that aren't so good for you."
"So I ran a lot. I dont even like running. But it killed about an hour and a half of my day if you include the shower and everything. And if you were exhausted by the end of the day, falling asleep was easier. And to be honest, that's a far better coping mechanism than ice cream or beer."
"As time passes you will heal. Or have scars from it. But regardless, you'll get over it one way or another."
Period Of Transition
"Lost a bunch of weight, and just enjoyed myself for awhile. Then I met my current girlfriend. Coming up on 4 years together."
New Friendships
"Once after a breakup I specifically befriended someone who was a social butterfly—instantly met lots of new people and went to new places."
Time
There is something to the adage that time heals all wounds. Well, most of them, anyway.
Worth The Wait
"Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever."
"Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away."
"my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in!"
"just be honest, whatever u doo."
Let It Run Its Course
"Time. Unfortunately, time is the only real solution. But there are some things you can focus on that can help."
"Pay attention to yourself and focus on all the positives of your new life without them. We tend to put our exes on a pedestal after a breakup, glorifying them and forgetting all the things about them/the relationship that used to drive us mad. Remember that there were times in your relationship that made you roll your eyes. Understand that there are positives that you can pick out, though it may not seem like it."
"Try to be social, whether that's with your friends, meeting new people, or (when you're ready) opening yourself up to meeting a new SO. It's easy to close yourself off to others after a rough breakup. You think there's nobody else that could ever compare to your ex. You just lost out on the love your life right? The truth is that there are so many wonderful people in this world, many that you are likely more compatible with than your ex as crazy as it may seem after a breakup. It's not fair to yourself if you don't allow yourself the possibility that there are other people out there that you can be happy with."
"The last and possibly most important thing is to really look at your time in the relationship and choose to accept the way things are. Accept who you are as a person and the relationship for what it was. Understand what you did to help with its demise. Understand that relationships are two way streets and that there are things you can do to be a better partner. This is easy to miss, but is ultimately imperative to the healing because if you choose to ignore this you'll be right back here again. You'll do stupid things. You'll reach out to your ex when you shouldn't. You'll stalk their social media and see things that will make you want to cry. You'll run into them in person with their new 'friend'. You'll hate and blame yourself every time. It's okay, we've all done something like this. This is normal. But dwelling on these things is what drives you insane. Understand when it's time to move on. Blocking/deleting them on social media or going no-contact in general can be very very helpful. Some people are able to remain friends with their exes but for most of us, this is sadly not a reality. Dwelling in the past and not allowing yourself to move on and heal and learn is only going to make things harder."
"It may not seem like it, but I promise there's light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully there's at least something in this post that you can resonate with. At the end of the day, just go back to living your life the best that you can and in time the universe will take care of the rest."
– Zaxl
OK To Cry
"Every day is a step forward, and every breakdown you have feels like a step back, but it's not. It's just another step in the process. If you gotta cry, cry. You're grieving a massive pillar in your life, it's ok to cry."
Giving In To Trust
"As I'm sure you know, the beginning is the hardest. It's the darkest part of the whole thing. You will have setbacks. There will be days that you can't take being without them. This is normal. It's okay to feel these feelings. But in doing so, it's also important to understand and accept the way things are. Life is a wild thing full of so many learning moments that you can carry with you to shape who you are. This is one of those moments. Trust in your ability to learn from this experience. Trust in time to heal the wounds. And trust in yourself to take back the person you were before the breakup.You can do it."
– Zaxl
"Time, trust me. Used to think they were the love of my life, even tho they were my first relationship ever."
"Took long enough, I even loved them after I entered another relationship, but it went away."
"my SO knows about my feelings, it took a toll on us but we're doing fine almost 3 years in!"
"just be honest, whatever u do"
Social Media And Smartphones
Replacing your device may help in forgetting about your ex, as suggested by these Redditors.
Go To Settings And...
"CHANGE YOUR NOTIFICATIONS TONE."
"Pavlovian responses are more powerful than you think."
Clean Slate
"Also if you're due for a phone upgrade or have the money to get a new one, do it. Try not to back up anything that reminds you of her. A clean phone slate will help out a lot."
Delete Delete Delete
"Delete her off social media, including pics, block, delete number. Crack on with life. No point wasting time, lifes way too short!"
Go Offline
"Just block, and get them off your social media.It is too easy to check on them to see what they are doing. To post things for their benefit. It just really prolongs the healing process and accepting it is over."
Erase, Delete, Block
- Cut off all contact. Delete pictures, contact details, block on social media, block common people between you and them, burn what you cant return/donate. Its sort of cathartic, but it gives you peace to let go.
- Pick up a physically taxing task for 45mins - 1 hr per day.
- Stay away from liquor deliberately if you feel you have high chances of being addictive.
- Sit with your emotions - feel overwhelmed and tears keep pooling in your eyes? - have a good cry. Feel angry? - write a letter you'll never post(good for burning too)
- On the occasions that you remember them suddenly- tell yourself you think of them neither positively nor negatively. If you force yourself to acknowledge their point of view or give them benefit of doubt of wish them well - it never works. The inner self is going to come out harder demanding the pain be acknowledged. If you give the thoughts a negative tone, you are going to end up bitter. When you give neither, over the period of time, you remember them less and less. And one fine day you wont think of them anymore.
"They will always have a place in your memory, but a very insignificant place. Will the scar be there? May be, may not be. But you will move on in the truest sense where their life events no longer evoke any emotion in you."
Moving on from an ex is difficult because you remember the parts of your relationship that brought you together in the first place.
But relationships evolve, and you can't help if a person does not want to grow with you.
Sometimes it's best to avoid contact with the one who broke your heart altogether. A cold reset. Because your dignity is worth more than perpetually holding onto a heart that has already let you go.
While they sound similar, "cosplay" is different from "cause-play."
Cosplay is a portmanteau of the words: costume and play, and applies towards fans dressing up as their favorite characters.
Cause-play is antithetical to "ghosting" in that the reprobate who abruptly stopped all forms of communication without explanation suddenly re-emerges with an ulterior motive.
There's a new dating-term people are using now: "cause-playing" to look out for in 2020 by basically means when som… https://t.co/QlpgUWzDfg— KPRS - Hot 103 Jamz (@KPRS - Hot 103 Jamz) 1577383219.0
The Plenty of Fish blog listed cause-playing as:
"When a casual relationship fizzles out, only to have one person later circle back with a favor to ask (usually about supporting a good cause)."
Examples would include an ex asking you to donate to their charities like Kickstarter or to sponsor them in a marathon.
I just noticed that an ex-girlfriend set up a GoFundMe account for her wedding expenses. Yes, I definitely dodged a bullet there.— Sensedog 🇺🇸 (@Sensedog 🇺🇸) 1430142138.0
Lee, a co-host for the Say Bible podcast, is all-too familiar with the tacky tactic after having been a victim.
She told The Huffington Post:
"I got this request several months after he told one of my friends how stupid he felt for messing things up with me."
"I didn't contact him. Communication is not a skill I can endorse in good conscience."
"Perhaps I have selective memory, but I'd like to think I've never cause-played someone myself."
"In general good, bad or ghost, I like to stay far away from my exes. Even those I maintained a semi-platonic friendship with, I don't want to give any mixed signals or feel on the hook by asking favors."
Here is another example of a cause-playing victim.
But instead of being asked for a donation, this victim was asked for job leads.
Alex Ludwig, a student from San Antonio, Texas, told HuffPo.
"My ex and I had been broken up for roughly three months before he texted me asking if my dad, a landscaper, had any jobs available."
"We had actually ended on decent terms, but not to the point where I would feel comfortable having him work for my family."
The ex was not granted any gardening gigs, but at least Ludwig gave him the courtesy of a response.
"I honestly didn't bother asking my father and just told my ex that he didn't and wished him luck."
adding my ex on linkedin to endorse him for cheating— lil sewer rat (@lil sewer rat) 1560453409.0
Alessandra Conti—a celebrity matchmaker in Los Angeles who didn't mind endorsing an ex who cause-played her for a podcast endorsement—said the trend isn't always deplorable if the break-up ended amicably.
"If you're breaking up and want to remain acquaintances for work, you should verbalize that then."
"It makes it a lot more acceptable to cause-play them in the future."
However, Conti believes that if the relationship went down in flames, the ex is better off asking someone else to help with their cause.
"It comes off as being desperate and careless, and truly diminishes the cause that you are trying to promote, even if the cause you're involved in is wonderful."
"You might not be trying to hurt the person you dated―you're just attempting to utilize your network―but wow, are you going about it the wrong way."
According to PoF, 61% of singles broke up with someone who later had the nerve to ask for a favor.
The PoF members they polled in November were ages 18 - 50, with 56% identifying as male and 44% identifying as female.
So when one woman recently received an unexpected text from an ex of hers, it left her stunned. Especially considering that he sent it to her the day before his wedding.
Alexsa Sanchez Aguilar shared the emotional text exchange that left her "speechless" on Twitter:
i- i’m speechless https://t.co/i2EAiER60z— 𝔏𝔢𝔵 (@𝔏𝔢𝔵) 1563598731
It all started innocently enough:
And then her ex laid it all out there:
Not exactly the kind of thing you expect to receive from an ex who you've lost touch with, let alone the day before they're about to tie the knot with another person.
Many people were genuinely impressed with Aguilar's ex.
@_xolexc This has to be the most beautiful thing Ive read. Shout out to both of y'all for being such damn good people.— El Botero (@El Botero) 1563635578
@_xolexc @venusancheta1 m a t u r i t y https://t.co/hwI5MgLRqe— jossy 🌙 (@jossy 🌙) 1563646320
Admit it—you totally thought this was how the message would go.
@_xolexc @sssotoo I thought it was gonna be those “I’m getting married tomorrow if there’s any chance of us getting… https://t.co/YpW30VIigH— 🤍 (@🤍) 1563634718
But there were a lot of people who were kinda weirded out by the whole thing.
@_xolexc Bro how do you respond to this message...”of course bro anytime! Congrats on the marriage!” Like what do you say?????— Ciara🌻 (@Ciara🌻) 1563647726
@_xolexc His fiancée after he sent this text https://t.co/1FsuneaKwl— King Vag-Eata (@King Vag-Eata) 1563620301
Aguilar explained to one commenter just how close she was with her ex and why his honesty wasn't all that unexpected.
@m9riah @abbysevillaa we were extremely young. we lost our bestfriend to suicide which is why we have so much respect towards eachother.— 𝔏𝔢𝔵 (@𝔏𝔢𝔵) 1563613663
And for those wondering, Aguilar did respond.
Here's what she said:
In an interview with Buzzfeed, Aguilar revealed why she shared the texts, saying:
"I wanted to show that just because things don't work out with someone, that doesn't mean you should have hate towards them. Regardless of everything, you were meant to be a part of that person's life, and them, yours."
Now that sounds like some solid advice.
The book No Regrets: How Loving Deeply and Living Passionately Can Impact Your Legacy Forever, available here, tells the story of one person's decision to live regret free.
"After facing the possibility of death, Robin Bertram took inventory of her life, and realized she was given a second chance: a chance to choose joy and to live life with no regrets."
