"What's the best joke you know?"
Car Humor
"A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time."- SweetAndSourSymphony
Wait For It...
"This reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery."
"He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down."
"'Do you think I could stay the night?'"
"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car'."
"As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound."
"A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before."
"The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind."
"He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound."
"The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you'."
"You're not a monk'."
"Distraught, the man is forced to leave."
"Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again."
"The monks reply, 'We can't tell you'."
"'You're not a monk'.”
"The man says, 'If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk'."
"The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand'."
"When you find these answers, you will have become a monk'."
"The man sets about his task."
"After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery."
"A monk answers."
"He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."
"'In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for'."
"By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change."
"Only God knows what you ask."
"All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
"The monks reply, 'Congratulations'."
"'You have become a monk'."
"'We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.'"
"The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is beyond that door'."
"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door."
"Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone."
"The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby."
"And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond."
"Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold."
"The sound has become very clear and definite. "
"The monks say, 'This is the last key to the last door'."
"The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! "
"With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open."
"Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......"
"But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk."- 2TicketsToFlavorTown
Are You Kidding Me Alyssa Edwards GIF by NETFLIXGiphyBoat Humor
"Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?"
"Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."- hoooligans
Super Funny
"Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says 'you know, last week, I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window'."
"The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar."
"The second guy says, 'What, are you nuts?'"
"'There's no way that could happen'."
"'No, it's true'," the first man says."
"'Let me prove it to you'."
"He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below."
"As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar."
"He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished."
"'You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke'."
"'No, I'll prove it again,'" says the first man as he jumps again'."
"Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window."
"Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it."
"'Well, why not', the second guy says, 'It works'."
"'I'll try it'."
"He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors, and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT."
"Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, 'You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk'."
Man Of Steel Ok GIFGiphyOops!
"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?"
"The taste."- vietbond
Um...
"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?"
"Because they're really good at it."
Nick Offerman Thumbs Down GIF by NBCGiphyWhat time is it after you're done reading these jokes?
It might not be time to laugh, because some of these jokes are NOT funny.
Only kidding...
"What genuinely disgusts you?"
Do They Think It Will Just Vanish?
"People not flushing their poop or pee in public toilets."- Acceptable_Fee_1280
"It was that hard to pull the little lever down?"- Scotsgit73
Always Carry Mints...
"Another person's hot breath in my face."
"For any reason."- MaryEstradaGT
Nickelodeon Bad Breath GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyUnforgivable
"People who abuse their pets."- roseteaXx
Being Tricked Into Purchases...
"Ads with a fake close button that just redirect you to the link, particularly pop-up ads."
"I forgot about the mobile game ads with fake mini games that redirect you to the App Store."
"Those might be even worse."- Tyler_Martin1
Cleaning Comes At A Price...
"The goo in the sink drain once you’ve done the dishes."
"Touching this to clean the sink is always a gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing moment."- meiliraijow
Men Marking Their Territory...
"Sitting on a toilet seat with pee on it."- KAWAiiANGXL
We All Do It... Doesn't Make It Any Less Gross...
"Vomit."- criminallscum
I Mean, COME ON!
"Littering."
"Just hang onto your sh*t for two minutes and put it in a bin instead of just throwing it on the ground."- ElmerWolfeLO
driving eric cartman GIF by South Park GiphyNo Matter The Package, Always Bad For You!
"Dipping tobacco."
"Carrying around a bottle of your own brown cloudy spit that smells like absolute death just skeeves me out on a level I can barely even describe."
"Bonus points if you're the douche who leaves the spit bottles or cups for other people to clean up."- Porn_is_my_bae
We all have our limits.
But even if you aren't wholeheartedly repulsed by any or all of these things, that still doesn't mean you should tolerate it!
How else will people learn to stop?
Redditor atomicturdburglar wanted to help out a few career paths with some positive chat.
"Which profession unfairly gets a bad rap?"
I've had so many jobs. I'm interested to see what y'all add to this list.
From Behind
Awkward Lucille Ball GIFGiphy"Gastroenterologists get a bad wrap because buttholes are gross and who would want to spend time there, but these guys save lives."
guyuteharpua
“dignified”
"I was a cleaner. People used to treat me like furniture and assumed all kinds of things about me. That was the best-paying job I ever held, with the best benefits, and most vacation! I went back to school for a more 'dignified' career, and my 'dignified' job sitting at a desk ended up being worse in every way."
DearAuntAgnes
Hot Skills
"Plumbers. People always assume they’re gross greasy old dudes but really they’re extremely skilled professionals."
randomnessamiibo
"I'm straight up so jealous of my plumber. He's really fit and like movie star handsome, nice and great at his job, an honest professional, just built himself a gorgeous dream home in a great neighborhood. Dude is just slaughtering life."
Essential People
"Janitors. Give them respect, people, unless you want to empty your own trash and clean your own work or school space. Seriously, being nice to the janitor saved my tail one time when I was locked out of a room that contained some vital work material. The big boss didn't have keys to that room, but guess who did?"
Roguefem-76
"I’m a teacher and the first people I befriend at the school was the janitors. They keep that place running. I made a point to learn about them, things they like etc. and on Custodian Appreciation Day as well as Christmas I make sure to get them a little something as my way of saying thanks."
makeitwork1989
Sky People
Shock Electrocute GIF by Dr. Paul BearerGiphy"Meteorologists. Lotta jokes along the lines of 'must be nice to be wrong half the time and still keep your job.' Do you know how difficult it is to predict the weather 2-3 days out, let alone a week out?"
wxmanify
I don't understand the weather. So I'll pass.
Tip Accordingly...
kitchen dancing GIF by StaatsloterijGiphy"Hospitality industry."
Reeceqld
"Was hoping someone wound say this. I miss working in restaurants. Good Pay, good people. Unlimited time off. Physically exhausting and mentally challenging but so worth it."
Wingkirs
Full of Thanks
"Embalmers. Thankless job people think they are creepy but who else would do that."
Signal-Opportunity-2
"Embalmer here. Luckily it isn’t always thankless. Surprisingly, in my experience, families do appreciate and understand the care taken with their loved one which makes it all worth it."
The People at the End...
"Morticians. Really don't get why; they're the last ones to ever let you down."
cwbrumm
"A lot of them are family owned enterprises passed down through the generations. If you've grown up hearing about that kind of stuff, it doesn't seem weird at all. Most people don't want to acknowledge our mortality, but it's one of those certainties in life; along with that comes job security."
"But people definitely assume we’re creepy/morbid/obsessed with death when they hear embalmer. And while it’s true sometimes, overall we’re a (relatively) normal bunch who have the unique gift of somehow being able to healthily compartmentalise the horrific things we see on a daily basis."
deathbloomsonce
"My job's certainly gross, but there's usually not as much of an emotional component to it. I've got empathy for people but not enough patience to deal with them all day every day. It exhausts me. But spending hours listening to music, chatting with a coworker or two while figuring out exactly what happened, why this person died? That's rewarding to me."
Beat_the_Deadites
"I've working in coroner/ME systems for a good while, and there's a fair amount of job switching between county morgues and funeral homes. Funeral homes can pay better and may be less busy, but you also have to deal directly with grieving family members, i.e. take money from them during their darkest days. It's a delicate and often thankless job."
The Counters
"Auditors. Clients are rude to them. Bosses treat them like s**t. And Public just wants them to work like donkeys and find fraud even though it's not their primary responsibility."
chesapeakeripper_18
"I think I'm pretty nice to the auditors that come into my company."
"Apart from that one year where I had to explain the same thing to a guy three times and then had to teach him some basic accounting principles, like how to deal with prepayments and why we were accruing certain costs. I didn't want to deal with him again after the first day."
DragonStar1
Objection!
Law Lawyer GIF by GIPHY Studios OriginalsGiphy"Lawyers, when they're/your/lawyer they're good lol. But yeah people often like, don't understand what the job of a lawyer truly is so people are quick to demonize them."
"Yeah there's some that truly are out there abusing loopholes and being scummy, but most lawyers are just doing what they're supposed to. Making sure their client is getting charged fairly. Even if they are guilty, they still are there to ensure a just punishment and not overkill."
Reddittoxin
These all seem like reasonable jobs. Some difficult but worth the effort.
But thanks to Redditor MCKlassik, class is back in session for a thorough reexamining of some forgotten history after they asked:
"What's a NSFW history fact that we don’t often hear about?"
The naughty proclivities of some historical figures are not subjects tackled in school.
A Promiscuous Reputation
"Napoleon wife had a friend who was known as 'Government property' because she had banged so many ministers of state."
– justincredible667
She's Alive!
"Didn't the author of Frankenstein lose her virginity on her mother's grave."
– Air2799
Let's talk about manhoods.
Napolean's Dynamite
"After Napoleon’s death, it’s been alleged (and told to me by a historian at les Invalides) that his penis was cut off and sold and exhibited through the early 20th century. It was described in 1927 as resembling a 'piece of leather' or a 'shriveled eel.'"
– unreadybean
The Major Minor Incident
"William C. Minor, one of the contributing writers of the Oxford English Dictionary, chopped off his penis using the pocket knife he used to cut the bound pages of his old first edition book."
– quamazotz
President's Johnson
"President Lyndon B Johnson was obsessed with his penis and used it to control those around him. He gave it the nickname 'Jumbo.' He'd threaten Senators by saying he was gonna sleep with their wives and if he went to the bathroom in the middle of a conversation, he expected the other person to follow him into the bathroom to continue the conversation and would get upset if they tried to just wait outside. Sometimes he would swing around while standing at a urinal and talking to someone, leaving his genitals exposed. He also drove himself around on his ranch and stopped to pee on the side of the road so the Secret Service Agents had to cover him and there was a gust of wind that blew the pee onto one of the agent's legs and Johnson said that it was his 'prerogative' to pee on the agent's leg."
"Journalists once asked him 'why continue the war in Vietnam?' and he sent all the women out of the room, took his penis out, flopped it on the table and said 'this is why!'"
– SneezyMcBeezy
Cure For Horniness
"The guy who invented cornflakes John Kellogg hated masturbation so he recommended a bland diet which included his cereal to prevent kids from touching themselves inappropriately also putting acid on the clit or sewing the foreskin closed. Edit: it was actually John’s brother William who invented cornflakes by accident but John still recommended cornflakes to people in their diet as well as other things to prevent masturbation. Edit 2: he also was a huge advocate for circumcision which led it to becoming more popular because he also thought it would prevent boys from masturbating."
– Agreeable_Finger_747
These little-known catastrophes were a tragic sh*t show.
Especially this next one. Literally.
A Tragic Sh*t Show
"In July 1184, Henry VI, King of Germany (later Holy Roman Emperor), held court at a Hoftag in the Petersberg Citadel in Erfurt. On the morning of 26 July, the combined weight of the assembled nobles caused the wooden second story floor of the Peterskirche to collapse and most of them fell through into the latrine cesspit below the ground floor, where about 60 of them drowned in liquid excrement."
– KiakiHawk
The Enormous Casualty Of One Battle
"Rome lost as many soldiers in one battle as the United States lost in the entirety of the Vietnam War. It was The Battle of Cannae in 216 BC against Hannibal. And this was back when the entire world population was tiny compared to what it is now. Rome lost 20% of its adult male population in a single day."
– stillbatting1000
Fear-Based Tactic At The Expense Of Animal Lives
"At the beginning of World War II, in Great Britain, over 750,000 domestic animals were euthanised out of fear that rations would be spread too thin and pet abandonment would lead to masses of strays. The National Air Raid Precautions Animal Committee (NARPAC) sent pamphlets out to homes suggesting that people should send their pets to the countryside or '[kindly] have them destroyed.' This later became known as the British Pet Massacre."
– Asaella
These scientific cases are jaw-dropping–and in one case, literally so.
An Institution's Coverup
"The British Academy of Science redacted massive amounts of the first published observations of penguins by biologists. Penguins are the worst. So much rape. So much necrophilia. The Academy decided the public wouldn't handle it well."
– No-Statement-3019
The Blessing Of Malaria
"Julius Wagner-Jauregg won the 1927 Nobel prize for medicine - by giving people malaria."
"The fever from the malaria would go so high that it could kill off an otherwise untreatable syphilis infection. Left untreated syphilis could lead to insanity so it was pretty bad thing. In comparison, having malaria, which we had treatments for, was a blessing."
– ApteronotusAlbifrons
Hoax Victim
"There is a man named Eben Byers who is entombed in Pittsburgh's Allegheny National Cemetery. He was a golf pro and socialite who ended up being the victim of quack medicine. He consumed so much 'Radithor' (Radium dissolved in water) that just prior to his death his jaw literally eroded off of his face. His mausoleum has him in a lead coffin because he's still radioactive."
– Extrasherman
Not Quite Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation
"It used to be thought that blowing smoke up someone's a** was a way to revive them. Some swimming pools actually had a kit, with a bellows type device, the blow smoke up the a** of a drowning victim."
"EDITED: to clarify tobacco smoke."
– No-Process3677
A Debaucherous Demonstration
"The CIA gave unsuspecting civilians LSD and then observed their interactions with sex workers (paid informants) while under the influence, for experimental purposes. This operation was called Midnight Climax."
– Snoo_69677
Because, Priorities
"The dildo was invented before the wheel."
– MapleMallard
Were you aware of these historical facts? Did you take notes?
I don't know what my teachers had on their lesson plans, but if some of these subjects were covered in my history classes, I probably would've fared much better.
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RedditorYoprobro13wanted to hear about the "treasures" we've discovered while visiting public restrooms.
They asked:
"What is the weirdest thing you found in a public toilet?"
Have you ever used the bathrooms at Penn Station or Port Authority?
If you have, then you know.
If you haven't... you don't want to know.
On the Menu
"Not me, but my husband once found a family-sized serving of spaghetti and meatballs splattered all over the toilet and walls of a bathroom stall. Sometimes I wonder what that person’s story is."
SciFiOp
Giphyhalf a dog...
"I went into an amusement park restroom with my grandfather when I was maybe 5 years old. When I approached the urinal I was about to use I looked down and was dismayed. I told my grandpa that someone's penis had fallen off into the urinal. He reassured me that it was just a half of a hot dog."
reddit_burnr
Seeds
"The most unsettling thing I saw in a public toilet was a massive pile of sunflower seed shells on the floor in a stall at a rest stop on I-40 in NC. And it wasn't just the shells from one of those single-serving snack bags, it was a veritable mountain of shells. Hundreds of them... who the f**k devours a couple of pounds of sunflower seeds while taking a shit at a rest stop? Seriously unsettling."
3nl
$40 where I live...
"I was working at Walmart a few months ago and employees had to use the customer bathrooms. I walked in and there was blood and toilet paper all over the stall and the floor and a bloody menstrual cup on the ground. The reason I was confused was because they cost like $40 where I live, who would just leave it there??"
kindofasatanist
Drenched
"A bag of completely water drenched clothes in the 3rd floor bathroom of a Barnes And Noble."
Tighten_Up
GiphyWhat in the?
Who eats a meal in the toilet?
My word.
I Fainted
"Man when I was in elementary school, some kid pooped a log that would make randy marsh have heart palpitations, it was like 2 feet long, it was so big everyone was getting their friends to come and check it out. I would never be a school janitor."
Slightly-Blasted
Giphy"Kenny"
"On holiday in New York, I was doing my thing in a cubicle when an arm appears with a business card under the stall door. I took it because I panicked but it was surreal. It was a plain white card with a guys name 'Kenny' and a phone number. Turned it over and on the back it read 'Call me for a good time.' I am not certain if the hand was male or female. To be honest, I have a lot of questions, but I never did call the number!"
ClocksOnTime
Bad Greens
"I pile of poop on the floor under the sinks. It was green. I headed back to my table (this was in a TGI Fridays) and told one of the staff about it. Had the best laugh of my life a few minutes later after someone went in to clean it up and we could all hear him yelling 'Oh my god, why is it green?!?'"
Irishpanda1971
Petty Please
"A poop painting and a trail of poop leading to the door. There was dirty granny panties in the garbage and poop on the door handle. Literally couldn't even be bothered to wash her hands. I refused to touch the door handle after that so I called the restaurant I was at and told them I was in the bathroom and I need assistance getting out. Petty, yes."
mydaughterisaqueen
Let's Count
"An abacus. It was in middle school basketball during an away game. Just sitting on one of the sinks."
SirBunBuntheBrave
GiphyI guess some find it suitable to do just about anything in a public restroom.
I'm staying home.
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