Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
And their humor is changed forever.
This isn't confirmed, but it would appear that all the dads have a secret weekly meeting where the latest puns are exchanged and exercises in awkward timing are practiced.
A mighty craft is honed, and he can fill the role he was meant to: the colossus of cringe, the pun producer, he who instills the sigh.
And yet, for all the cringing and the facepalming, we love to say the very same jokes. There is just something about that quaint stupidity.
BennuH asked, "What's the best 'dad joke' you know?"
Regional LawsΒ
"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"
"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"
"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"
For the Face Plant ImageΒ Β
"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"
"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- hatsnatcher23
"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- sxeoompaloompa
A Mammal of Few WordsΒ
"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"
"Bison" -- TatooineLight
"LOL" -- BennuH
"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- Type10Civilization
Baggage
"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"
"I never knew my real ladder" -- DavosLostFingers
"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- WaldhornNate
Woah Woah Woah, We're in PublicΒ
"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"
"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"
"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- mcnoobs_
"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- Madanax
Not WrongΒ
"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter."
Watch the News Before Saying This OneΒ
"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"
"It's okay, they eventually woke up."
"I cringe every time." -- unicorndreamz94
"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- Aubear11885
Got a Million of Em
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."
"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."
"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."
"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."
G-Pa With the Physics HumorΒ
"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"
"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"
"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- ConceptUpset4681
"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- VaultBoy9
A Surprising Amount of Elevator HumorΒ
"I have a joke about elevators."
"It works on so many levels......." -- M0ntgomatron
"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"
"It went all the way to the top." -- RandomName222222222
E.T.
" 'What is ET short for?' "
" 'He had short legs.' "
- Drerex
Denise
"A Frenchmanβs wife was about to have twins but he was in the bush at his logging job so he couldnβt be there for the birth."
"Instead his brother kept his wife company in the hospital. When the twins, a girl and a boy were born, she allowed the brother to name the kids."
β 'What did he name them asked the father on the phone that night?' "
" 'Well your daughter came first and he named her Denise.' "
" 'Beautiful!' said the husband. 'And what did he name my son?' "
" 'Denephew' she replied."
- Rockterrace
Better Than Nothing
"Q: Whatβs better, complete happiness or a ham sandwich?"
"A: A ham sandwich, because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a ham sandwich is better than nothing."
- MikefromMI
A Bar
"Two cows walk into a bar."
"First cow looks at the other and says 'I guess you didnβt see it either.' "
- elmo1371
Salad
"Mine isnβt the 'best' per se, but it made me laugh when my stepfather texted it to me:"
β 'I always knock before I open the fridge' "
β 'Why?' β
β 'There could be a salad dressing!' β
"It made me laugh. He never makes jokes like that."
- bluejellyfish52
Scandinavian
βWhy do Norwegian navy ships have barcodes on the side of them?β
βSo when they come into port they can Scandinavianβ
- Scared-Cap-8683
Best Told When...
"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks 'Do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?' "
"The pirate responds 'Argh, it's driving me nuts!' "
"Best told whenever my daughter has a new friend over. At this point she simply rolls her eyes."
- tweakingforjesus
Dads Haircut
"Story behind mine-"
"I was cutting a friends hair at my dads place, (I lived out of state so I would hook people up when I came back)
He came in and said:"
β 'Oh no, I canβt believe youβre letting her cut your hair! She told me she was giving me 50% off!' "
Then he promptly removed his hat, exposing his (what I refer to as) horseshoe male pattern baldness with shiny bald top.
- dailyjouska
Canadian Geese
"Whatβs the difference between geese and Canadian geese?"
"Geese go 'honk! Honk!' β
"While Canadian geese go 'Honk, eh! Honk, eh!' β
- [Reddit]
The dad jokes never end! What's your favorite?
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Dad Records His Baby Son's Sounds Every Day For A Year To Create Epic Montage Video Of Him 'Singing' AC/DC's 'Thunderstruck'
A dad who recorded his baby son every day for a year has edited clips of his noises together to create a video which appears to show him singing AC/DC's rock classic 'Thunderstruck'.
And it's pretty impressive.
*Just a warning for anyone with seizure disorders, this video has a lot of fast-moving parts.
Matt MacMillan compiled clips of little Ryan making noises before splicing them together in time with the music.
Angus Young's iconic guitar riff from 1990 is instantly recognizable as the video begins - with the one-year-old also providing several other parts as song progresses.
AC/DC (SWNS)
Matt, from New Jersey, manually sorted 83 clips according to pitch then organized each according to note to create the track.
He found 21 notes in total - enough to carry the tune.
Matt MacMillan /SWNS
Angus then listened to the AC/DC track over and over again, figuring out the notes by ear.
He also used his son's sneeze as a cymbal, a clip of Ryan hitting a sofa with his hand for the drum and the child slapping the floor for the snare.
McMillan recently shared the video to YouTube, where it has already racked up over 25,000 views.
Dad Shows Off His New Saxophone Skills To A Field Of CowsβAnd They're Super Into It
Twitter user @ErinMHerrmann has, possibly, the most adorable parents on the internet right now.
Her dad has been learning new songs on his saxophone, but he wasn't sure about whether they were any good or not.
So mom and dad devised a plan; they would drive out to the back roads of their town to a field filled with the perfect audience - cows.
Dad played while mom recorded, and they sent Erin the adorable results. Let's take a look at part one, shall we?
Dad gives us a quick intro before he turns to the field and starts playing. Almost immediately we can see curious cows start to lumber their way over to him to check out what's going on.
Apparently cows are really into "Careless Whisper."
my parents are such goofs they drove out to the backroads so my dad could play the cows the songs heβs been learninβ¦ https://t.co/V15FIsrRIWβ Erin Herrmann (@Erin Herrmann) 1561526840.0
And "Tequila."
Turn the volume way up at around the 20 second mark to hear the neighbor on backing vocals.
pt.2 listen for the neighbor at the end https://t.co/qdMCnZRzqhβ Erin Herrmann (@Erin Herrmann) 1561526948.0
The cows and the neighbor clearly enjoyed the show - but so did Twitter.
Saxophone Cow Dad is a hit!
@erinmherrmann https://t.co/2nw2J2zD8rβ βIβm himβ (@βIβm himβ) 1561602562.0
@savalessandra @erinmherrmann βAnd I moooβ πβ levi fillmore (@levi fillmore) 1561586455.0
@erinmherrmann Cows walking over to him like https://t.co/RZewKyjnJAβ Jonathan Lopez (@Jonathan Lopez) 1561664805.0
@virtuallyindes1 This is underrated πβ Kiara Bennettβ¨ (@Kiara Bennettβ¨) 1561589296.0
@erinmherrmann The cows were like https://t.co/Jz7jDGTwGlβ Chloe (@Chloe) 1561623925.0
@erinmherrmann @KevinCarson1 Cows chewing grass and getting a show like https://t.co/PITH1qu9cbβ πππππππππππ’π»ππ (@πππππππππππ’π»ππ) 1561594634.0
@erinmherrmann The cows said https://t.co/TNKC4Tcxhpβ Copeny πΈ (@Copeny πΈ) 1561605622.0
@erinmherrmann The cows: https://t.co/vK9H7YqmGaβ Modieina (@Modieina) 1561598522.0
@THOTNICA @erinmherrmann @putridstar King of the grass and the first moosβ Allan (@Allan) 1561663925.0
Don't worry - this probably isn't the last we're going to hear from Saxophone Cow Dad.
He's already working on new material.
@AlohaSwaggy Heβs learning a song from StarWars right now so maybe when heβs ready to preform I will share!β Erin Herrmann (@Erin Herrmann) 1561577649.0
@AlohaSwaggy @erinmherrmann Iβm with this guy. I need to see whatβs happening in his and the cows future.β Hannah π» (@Hannah π») 1561584302.0
If you've always wanted to learn how to play the saxophone, for under $200 you can get everything you need, here.
There are strict parents, and then there are those whose rules are simply ridiculous. Imagine not being allowed to hang out in your room, or not having access to snacks. How would you feel if you went on a date, and your parents demanded an accounting of every minute and each mile? Imagine no naps! These are real, and Redditors who escaped unreasonably strict households shared their tales.
huey764 asked, People who grew up with strict parents: what was the most unreasonable rule?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
My sister used to call farts "tushy talk"
GiphyMy Dad once heard my sister say "fart" and got really angry because it was not "ladylike" so he prohibited us using it. Instead we were to say "noise that came from behind" which made it even funnier to me.
These overbearing parents.
My (now) wife's parents wanted an itinerary of where we would be on every date (she was 19 at the time but still living at home).
I thought they were asking in a more general way so I answered "well we're headed to a show, then probably dinner. Maybe a coffee after."
Unacceptable.
Which show? What time would we be physically inside the venue? When did the show end? Which restaurant? What time will you be eating? Which coffee shop?
I was just like "ehhhh... hasn't really thought that far ahead. We'll let you know."
"she can't leave till we know."
I just made some sh*t up. Seemed to placate them. From that point on I would just rattle off some bullsh*t and do whatever we wanted.
Very weird people.
What grandma says, goes.
My grandma had a "no leaving the table until you eat your food" rule. Pretty reasonable, except she would prepare your plate, often with more food than you wanted.
One time she made me a chicken salad sandwich but the chicken salad had turned. She wouldn't let me leave, she just sat across from me to make sure I didn't get up until I ate it. This went on for hours, until my mom got off work and picked me up.
It wasn't even that strict a household, I think she liked control and this was one if the few arenas where she could exercise it.
Oh, the horror.
Listening to non-Christian music was punishable by being grounded for weeks.
This is... weird. No naps?!
GiphyI wasn't allowed to be in my room for an extended period of time except to go to bed at night. Also, no naps.
My laptop was required to stay in the living room at all times.
When I started commuting to college because dorms were expensive, I was required to report to my father and step-mother's room every day as soon as I came home, and they would yell at me if I didn't come up without being told every day.
Texts must be responded to immediately. My father threatened to report me as a missing person because he called me while I was on a shift that ended at 3AM and didn't text him back until the next morning.
One time, my step-mother asked for the full name, race, drug and crime history of a coworker whose house I was going to to play D&D. It was only a one-off event, but still super weird.
I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now, but I've been No Contact with them for going on 8 months now and so it's been a while since I interacted with their craziness.
Wow. Yikes.
I was an unwanted child that my parents decided to keep out of pity as I was always told growing up. I wasn't allowed out of the house for anything other then school or family events. I couldn't see friends ever, wasn't allowed a phone until 16 which was only for emergencies and checking in when I got to school and when I left. I would get beat occasionally the worst was for a bit of poop not flushing. Everything had to be spotless, my bed had to be made by 7am. If I did something that didn't like I would never hear the end of how terrible I was.
No music while cleaning? Who's in charge, Ms. Hannigan?
No music allowed when cleaning the house, because it would "distract" us.
Also, not allowed to do anything with friends on a Sunday because it was "family day" (even though we never did anything as a family and just stayed shut in our rooms).
More fart restrictions. "Fluffs?" Really?
Among other stupid, non-sensical rules.... until I moved out at 17, I wasn't allowed to say "fart" because it's a "swear word". If I needed to talk about farts, I had to call them "fluffs". My best friend and I would kill ourselves over how silly this was.
Im 26 now and as much as my parents are proud of me for my life accomplishments so far, I know they're not proud of me for having a VERY extensive, dirty vocabulary. Feels good to prove to them I can talk like a degenerate and be successful.
This is how the best Redditors are made.
I was never allowed out with my friends, after school, the weekends, the holidays etc. I stopped being invited out after a while and internet became my friend, might explain why i prefer online company.
No snacks, no freedom.
GiphyLocks on the fridge and pantry. Bars on the windows. Wasn't allowed to have the computer password.
Evolution - bad.
There were a lot of TV shows I wasn't allowed to watch. Mainly things like Pokemon because it obviously promotes evolution. The big one though is I wasn't allowed to get my driver's license. I had to learn how to operate a car and drive in case of emergencies but was not allowed to get my license. There were extreme amounts of bitching and whining when I needed to be picked up late due to my after school activities or be dropped off at a Saturday competition. Then I was the ungrateful one if I complained about them yelling at me for having to go to an event, for a school activity they signed me up for, that I didn't want to do in the first place.
No longer a prisoner.
16 year old me: "Can I go to the coffee shop with some friends? I'm done with all homework and I promise to be back by bed time."
Dad: "No. You already went out once this week."
That was actually the last straw, because he made that rule up on the spot and doubtlessly had every intention of enforcing it. I snuck out my window and left home. He found me a couple days later and it turned out, after talking to his cop buddies, that he couldn't have them arrest me unless I was found breaking laws. I agreed to talk to him and my stepmother, whereupon they told me I could either live by their rules or not live there again. No brained for me - packed a couple bags of favorite clothes and got the f out.
This stepmother from Hell.
Step mother tried to boot myself (14 female) and my bro (12 male) out because she didn't want us living with her. Dad realised if that happened, he would end up dealing with child services etc. So he "compromised".
As the female, I was allowed to still be living in the house but had to remain in my bedroom unless asked to come out for dinner. I had to ask to use the bathroom. My door had to be open at all times and no phone allowed. I was never allowed to be given cash so all of my stuff (school bus tickets, sanitary products etc) were bought for me. I often went without lunch as she wouldn't make it for us (only her son) and we weren't allowed in the kitchen. A teacher at school worked this out pretty quick and started bringing me food each day.
My bro was not allowed in the house. He lived in a van (I mean a literal work van) around the side and had allocated shower and bathroom times. He had to eat outside. He thought it was cool.
One day when I was 15, the police came to my school and said I couldn't go home as my bro had done something to set her off and she had chased him up the street with a broom, then come back in and trashed my room and the van with an axe.
EDIT: lots of comments have asked what happened next. No consequences for her but we weren't allowed back in the house and she obtained restraining orders on us coming to the house...I'm still not quite sure how as I did nothing! Dad paid for an apartment and we both lived in that - he would visit once a week to take us food shopping. This lasted until I was 16 and someone tried to break in while I was home alone and I rang my 17yo BF in a panic. He came over with his dad who sussed things out pretty quickly and I went home with them where I stayed for the rest of high school and uni as his girlfriend initially and then as a boarder.
I am now a teacher who works with disadvantaged youth and use my experiences to inform my support for them. My bro has not coped as well (partly due to personality and also being younger than I was) and is a drug addict who I have very little contact with after he stole from me repeatedly as an adult.
Dad and step mother stayed married for 20 years. He left her last year, they are divorced now and he's about to marry a Chinese lady I've never met.
What's up with all this lack of privacy?
Not allowed to close the door of my room from my 15 to my 18?
The Internet Is Officially Obsessed With This Adorable Video Of A Dad Having A Full On Conversation With His Toddler
When it comes to the art of conversation, this toddler is a natural.
The internet gods bestowed to us a gift in the form of a video in which a father carries on a legit discourse with his infant son while watching TV.
It may sound like baby babble but as far as the dad is concerned, his inquisitive son is commenting on what unexpected turns the season finale of their mystery show might take.
People swooned over father and son reviewing their entertainment program from the couch.
The adorable exchange might have incited a baby boom.
@_11Remember_ Ohhhh my overies πππ... yes I'm a guy, but that's besides the point... Oohhhhh my overies πππβ LSJ (@LSJ) 1559744649
@MarileKleinhans @Victorthemodel @_11Remember_ I just wanna make a baby... don't you?β LSJ (@LSJ) 1559758935
The star of the show is baby Kingston of Clarksville, TN, whose parents are Deztin and Shanieke Pryor.
Shanieke originally posted the clip to her Facebook page where it racked up around 46 million views. Even a ripped version on Twitter posted by Devin Johnson received over three million likes.
At one point, baby Kingston really gets into the program and starts pointing at the screen.
"That's what I was wondering! I don't know what they're gonna do next season," exclaimed daddy Deztin.
The son nods in agreement to acknowledge they're both on the same page.
Then, a perplexed Kingston raises his arms in defeat, and dad responds:
"Right, that's why I'm saying! Don't bring that in, you know what I'm saying? Go somewhere else with that."
This is a full blown convo between passionate dudes.
Another user humorously drew a comparison to chatty significant others:
Just because baby talk sounds like gibberish doesn't mean they don't have anything to say.
@MelaninMotiv8er They got something to say,you just the only one willing to listenπ€£ππ€£ππ https://t.co/qDHUmAEkpYβ Hoodie Obtainment Svc Coordinator (@Hoodie Obtainment Svc Coordinator) 1559743048
@Shes_deathProof @MelaninMotiv8er When I was a foster care case worker, I always had conversations with my kids noβ¦ https://t.co/gPC5KsBZuVβ Megan Jetter (@Megan Jetter) 1559745083
@Shes_deathProof @MelaninMotiv8er @sonshine1411 As a new dad myself at first I didn't understand her but after a yeβ¦ https://t.co/6qOm18imwcβ πΏππΎππππ»ππππ―πππΏ (@πΏππΎππππ»ππππ―πππΏ) 1559759740
Props were given to the willing participant for being a great parent.
@_11Remember_ The dad, #DeztinPryor, needs to get credit for keeping the conversation going by responding with perfβ¦ https://t.co/RiWDpqOSs1β CdnCrone ππ· (@CdnCrone ππ·) 1559753014
@Stvnnesss @Shes_deathProof @sonshine1411 I Try to tell my coworkers the more u talk to them the more they will staβ¦ https://t.co/PfMncQFe26β Nanasia (@Nanasia) 1559760801
People can't get enough of the adorable video that warrants repeated viewings.
@_11Remember_ Literally my face while scrolling Twitter and finding this gem https://t.co/Y983mYJQQ5β Ida Skibenes (@Ida Skibenes) 1559757253
@ida_skibenes @_11Remember_ Iβve watched this 6 times and my eyes are crying Iβm smiling so hardβ meowzers (@meowzers) 1559760374
@_11Remember_ OMG! This is adorable and just made me tear up! HAPPY EARLY FATHER'S DAY! AMAZING! π§‘π§‘π§‘β Sunflower Soul (@Sunflower Soul) 1559747779
Towards the end of the video, Deztin agrees with his son's blabbering thoughts on the program's conclusion.
"Really? I thought the same thing. We think a lot alike, huh?"
Just another day at home with the Pryor's. And we're loving it!
Father's Day is just around the corner, but it's not too late to get the perfect shirt...
...for your perfect dad, available here.