Strangers online came through with the fantasy scenario when Redditor Ithaqua3406 asked:
"If you suddenly had 'f'k you' money what would be the first thing you did?"
Some Redditors felt philanthropic.
Family First
"Retire my immediate family."
– Ziggu12
"I'd pay off my parents' house and other debts and then send my brother a check for $0.81."
– She_Persists
This One's For You, Pops
"I'd retire my dad (46M) immediately. After my mom left when I was 13 (25M now) he stepped up to be in the role of both parents to us 3 kids and we struggle bussed pretty hard for a few years until i was able to start working to help out even though he said i never had to. I haven't seen my mom since I was 17. Both my younger sisters and I are eternally grateful for this man. He taught me everything I needed to know to grow up and be the man I'm now today. So, I'd return that favor. I'd buy him a house with a big a** garage and work space so he could work on his classic cars and trucks all he wants. I'm in that mindset now, I'm working to not only have a successful life right now but to take care of my own family and him."
–Slwrolla
Let the indulging begin.
Simplified Order
"I'd order Dominos without optimising the order to fit one of the deals."
– Si1Fei1
"Changing it to pan? Dollar fifty more. Bastards."
– DrGPeds
Unobstructed View
"I'd buy the first 3 rows of a Ja Rule concert to keep them empty."
– Usr_115
"50 cent is that you lol."
– eks91
Tough Lesson
"I'd get dental implants so I wasn't in constant pain/ didn't look like I started every day with a hearty breakfast of crack."
"Edit: The feel compelled to say that I've never smoked crack or meth in my life. I did all my damage with cigarettes, sugar, and good old fashioned neglect. I didn't brush my teeth nearly enough, often going days or weeks between brushing. Yes, depression. I didn't feel like there was a point, and now I'm at a what I consider to be a catastrophic level of damage. I haven't actually felt any tooth pain in a very long time unless you count poking my tongue or cheek with a jagged bit once in a while. I had two initial quotes from dentists, one for $15,000 and another for $17,000. Both came with the caveat that they'd likely cost more because of an unknown number of extractions that'd require surgical removal. Dental tourism isn't really an option, I'd be looking at multiple procedures requiring recovery and return trips that I'd rather not make internationally, alone, and require being put under for surgery, I'd rather not go that route. I live paycheck to paycheck, and not well. I bring home about $2800 a month and finances not covered by my medical insurance (and even those tbh...) in the scales of thousands of dollars are a fanciful dream not even worth thinking about for me. Yes. America."
"If you read nothing else in the post:"
"Brush your f'king teeth."
– uglymiddleagedloser
A Tasty Luxury
"Get a permanent personal chef, so that I can eat delicious food all the time, and in a relatively healthy way."
– Alkazeel
"This here is overlooked. Having some great chef that would also double as grocery shopper doing great food 3 or 4 days a week? Under 10 grand a month."
– PhillieUbr
Who would need a job?
Not these Redditors.
Peace Out
"Quit my job. I'm at the point I may do it anyway honestly."
– e22ddie46
“'What’s the point in having f'k you money if you can’t say f'k you.' Bobby Axelrod"
– smitcal
Off The Grid
"Disappear."
– YoungHermit92
"pay for a helicopter to come pick you up from work, 2 guys in suits come out, ask you to come back 'for one last job', you say you were retired, and ask why can't John handle it, the suits just shake their heads and say 'it's worse than last time, and they already have John.'"
"you look back, wave your coworkers goodbye, and get on the chopper, never to be seen again."
– Dravarden
See Ya Later Alligator
"Quit my job. It's not that it's a bad job, I actually do like it, but I don't have time for it! I would rather live my life and go on adventures. So many things to see and experience in this world and life. :)"
– chocolate_orca
Alternative To Quitting
"Never quit. Purchase the company while still working in the trenches without revealing that you're the new CEO. Begin making all the decisions you can see should happen because you're there. Fire bad bosses and managers, get yourself 'voluntold' to go to other stores/offices for various excuses, listen to the fellow employees b*tch about corporate and quietly fix the problems they bring up."
– Bridgebrain
Worthy Replacement
"I’d buy the company I work for burn it down and collect the insurance money and build a public restroom in its place."
– Doublecutz
If I had money burning a hole in my pocket, I'd rent out Disneyland for the night so my LGBTQ+ friends and I can have the happiest place on earth to ourselves in a safe space without the judgment of conservative guests.
Oh, wait, I already experienced that when Disney hosted their official Pride Nite last month!
Then I'll pay for another night of that, please, but this time at Walt Disney World in Orlando because they didn't host such an event there for a certain reason.
There'll be lots of rainbow balloons, confetti, and queerness all over the entire resort to make our presence known in the Sunshine State.
Methinks that's the ideal "f'k you money" scenario.
"What would be your first purchase if you came into serious 'f'k you' money?"
People seem to want to be rich enough to live in seclusion.
This Land Is My Land
"Four sections of good pastureland. For those who don't know, that's 2,560 acres, 4 square miles. I'd build in the dead center and never have a neighbor less than a mile from me."
Float In My Moat
"i'd put in a lazy river that ran around the perimeter of my property."
My Own Private Island
"A big old f'k off island a float plane and a self sustained off grid community. Open my fishing camp."
Niche indulgences is the name of the game.
Get You A Fast Car
"SO has always dreamt of driving a Porsche. A very specific model, color, etc. He has it as his screen saver. I would get him that car."
Admirable Honor
"Paying off the land my husband died protecting so that we can build something to honor him by. Specifically turning it into a retreat for combat vets and active duty members."
Mystery Mansion
"Hire a team of architects to design a big house and put in a bunch of secret passageways and rooms and not tell me how to find them so I can have fun discovering them over time."
scooby doo door GIF by Boomerang OfficialGiphyCasual Purge
"I'd buy a cul-de-sac of posh houses, gate if off and have my friends live there. They all work from home so doesn't matter where."
"Then one day, there will be deliveries to all the houses. Paintball guns. Masks. The full month."
"And as the clock strikes noon that day, I will have a loud battle cry (haven't decided the sound yet) play on a huge speaker."
"I don't need to tell them this is a battle to the death. They will already know..."
These Redditors were concerned about self-preservation without the stress of incurring massive debt.
Take Care Of My Health
"Go to the dentist, optometrist, and doctor without worrying that whatever needs to be done won't cause financial ruin."
Settle Debts And Drive Off Into The Sunset
"First purchase? Freedom: pay off student loans, mortgage, and any other debt. Can't think of a bigger f'k you :) then a couple Teslas lol"
If I ever came into a ridiculous amount of money, I would first build a retreat somewhere in Venice, Italy, and frequently host a masquerade ball where everyone is required to show up in Venetian Carnivale attire—just short of becoming an Eyes Wide Shut moment.
Then, I would build a luxury home in Tokyo, complete with a theater academy where new productions would constantly be workshopped at night while aspiring young performers hone their skills throughout the day in the many classes taught by my colleagues.
And my home base? Why, it would be near the beaches of Malibu in SoCal, of course.
I would bounce between my three properties in my own private jet.
It's not a big ask, is it?
The King.
GiphyMattresses need to be like 6 inches longer. overandunder_86
California King is your answer. If you have the room. overandunder_86
gender pocket inequality....
No or small pockets in women's jeans. Give us the damn pockets. tinyclumsyhands
It's to give you the illusion of gender pocket equality without actually giving it. MUAHAHAHA!! ChocolateBunny
The List Goes On....
The gap between a car seat and the center console. I know it is for safety but things fall in that gap and are difficult to retrieve.
Touch screens in cars for essential functions. One should be able to adjust the heating or cooling by feel.
Android Auto does not work with all Android phones.
Outlook spam filtering when using just the local software.
Bar codes too small for the scanner at the checkout.
Milk cartons
Individual coffee stirrers in paper wrappers. It is supposed to make us feel safe from bacteria but it is annoying. Maybe not a flaw.
Dog poop baggies with a bad seal. About once a month I stick my hand in the bag, pickup the poop only to realize my fingers went through the other end of the bag and touched the poop.
Breakfast cereal in a bag in a box. About 10% of the contents at the bottom are crushed flakes, not edible cereal pieces. dantooine1977
Be Reasonable.
I have an acquaintance in a senior position with a potato chip manufacturer. He claims resealable bags will never ever happen on chips OR brand name cereal because the companies are completely dependent on their products going stale and being replaced. He claims estimates as high as 25% for consumer loss from old stale product. msk1974
Slow the Roll....
GiphyToilet paper rolls keep getting larger and larger, but traditional holders can't hold them properly. The tool can't spin so the roll has to sit on the counter for a couple days. MyBroPoohBear
Be Moderned.
Modern cell phones, despite repeated updates and improvements still cannot make a call and record a video at the same time. This is exactly what every witness should be able to do if they see a crime occurring; gather evidence and call 911 simultaneously. Notredamerock
within a track....
A lot of music playing apps have buttons to skip tracks but no buttons to skip forward/backward within a track, instead just relying on a clumsy slider that is hard as hell to use with any sort of precision. A lot of podcast apps, on the other hand, have such buttons (e.g. to skip forward 30 second or backward 10 seconds) - not sure why the music apps don't do the same thing. allothernamestaken
Falling Out...
GiphyAll of my pajama pants have a single button on the fly, and it's positioned 1/4" from the top of the opening and 6" from the bottom... so my penis just falls out while I'm walking. answermethis0816
I've noticed this borrowing my husband's pj pants before and was completely perplexed by it. You can practically feel a breeze while walking, the gap is so big. ShelloBiafra30
NOPE!
I have a pair of wired Beats noise-cancelling headphones.
They use powered noise-cancelling, so you have to charge them with usb. Since they're wired, you'd think that if they run out of charge, you could still use them without noise-cancelling, right?
NOPE!
When they die, you have to charge them. Even though they're wired. Stupid. Dumb. velour_manure
No Sliding.
Far too many affordable cutting boards won't stay perfectly in place when you're chopping on them. Seems like that would be easy to fix, but maybe not. somepeoplewait
Some of mine have little rubber-ish feet and are fine. Some of them do slide around. Try a folded dish towel underneath. AugustaSugarbean
Ice Age.
GiphyIce dispensers in refrigerator doors that send out ice with such energy that some pieces end up on the kitchen floor. Back2Bach
See the Light.
Modern vehicles making changing a burned out head light a major nightmare. It used to be you took off four screws, changed the bulb, replaced for screws. Now it takes a degree in engineering to find all the hidden things holding the light in place. Why? RonSwansonsOldMan
Too Stupid.
Scissors that come in that stupid tough as nails double layered plastic; that can only be accessed by a pair of damn scissors. laurenmax96
Larry David has entered Reddit. BeardsuptheWazoo
It's Exhausting!
Netflix interface: they added a toggle that stopped the despicable auto preview, but finding things is still very difficult. You'll only see what The Algorithm wants to show you and there's no way of just flicking through a comprehensive A-Z of shows.
This means you only see the same stuff cycling round unless you do a specific search, and let's face it: text searching using a TV remote or Xbox controller is a PITA.
And so there's probably a load of stuff on there you'll never see.
And that wretched left-right scroll too. Amazon isn't much better either. dogsolitude_uk
Upside Down.
GiphyI just want to say it took Ketchup long enough to turn the bottle upside down. I mean for God sake they turned it green and purple before they decided to work on getting the bloody crap outta the bottle. shelbycher
"signal interrupted"
Simplisafe, and pretty much all wireless home security systems, all operate on a very limited band of frequencies. A portable ham radio, which you can buy on Amazon for $80, can be tuned to its exact frequency and can blast out enough white noise to interrupt communication between sensors and the home base. At most you'll get a "signal interrupted" message but no alarm. I'm not going to tell you how to find that exact frequency, just know that it is shockingly easy. MrStringyBark
Rinse.... Lather... Repeat....
Shampoo bottles that have screw-off caps.
Unscrew cap, pour product into palm.
Now I have one hand holding a bottle while the other is occupied by a pool of soap.
How do I replace the cap without spilling my shampoo? OpenQuote2
Car Inventions....
Why in the world don't automakers make some kind of dual, fold away sun visor that can simultaneously cover both the front AND side window. cicalino
Some cars have these, but I guess the cost/benefit isn't there. Same with extendable visors; same with the little visor to cover the windscreen above the rearview mirror that Volkswagen used to have. poktanju
Input three times, then enter.
Remote controls for tv... so amazingly non-intuative. Also need 3 remotes to watch tv, dvd, speakers. I have to type out instructions for old parents. I curse the engineers who refuse to improve design or the companies that refuse to adopt better remotes. Input three times, then enter. Find guide, press enter.... WISeptember
Just Dip....
GiphySalsa should come in wide flat containers, not tall skinny cylinders so that you can dip directly from it. Munkiejunk