Redditor Sinaasappelsien was hoping certain people would share some of their most difficult inner thoughts, so they asked:
"Those with ADHD or OCD, what’s the worst intrusive thought you’ve ever had?"
I don't have either symptom, but I can empathize.
Intrusive thoughts haunt us all and it's a lot to take in.
Consent
Jim Carrey Reaction GIF by LaffGiphy"Maybe you're in a 'Truman Show' type situation, what would you want your audience to hear?"
"The answer now is mostly 'I do not consent to be in a 'Truman Show type situation.' I'm 99.9% sure that's not what's happening, BUT I do still say it out loud every once in a while, just in case."
a**hat123
Painful Details
"I tend to imagine injuries in excruciating detail. One time when I was in college, working in the kitchen, I remember walking past an industrial-sized mixer with a dough hook as big as my arm, and I was immediately hit with the image of my leg getting caught in it, and the force of the motor snapping my knee and leg bones and winding my flesh around the shaft until it shredded and tore free - like when you're trying to break the hip joint to get a leg off of a roast chicken."
iglidante
Sick to my stomach...
"I've had some absolutely abhorrent and terrifying intrusive thoughts that torture me all the time. My therapist told me that intrusive thoughts are your brain trying to purge the things you find absolutely disgusting and awful and I try to remember that but it still makes me sick to my stomach. I cope the best I can but torture really is the best descriptor for experiencing consistent intrusive thoughts."
bathmaster_
Unfazed
"I have Excoriation disorder, which is a type of OCD, and what it means is that if I see any kind of spot on my skin, I pick at it until it’s gone. And what I mean when I say 'pick' is that I will find whatever sharp object there is (my preferred object is thumbtacks) and I will dig until I’m satisfied that it’s gone. It could be 5 minutes, it could be 5 hours."
"Pain doesn’t faze me. Blood doesn’t faze me. I have dug down to the bone before with a thumbtack because I thought there was a lump in my pinky finger. I also have a severe anxiety disorder, which means that if I can’t get 'out' whatever I believe is in my skin, I have a panic attack. It isn’t to self-harm- I don’t do it to hurt myself."
"I just do it because I can’t relax until I get out whatever I think is on/in my skin. I haven’t had a severe picking episode in about 9 months, thanks to really good meds and mental health care. But yeah- without that, the intrusive thought that 'something is in there and I HAVE to get it out' would destroy me."
MPD1987
Again and Again
Britney Spears Reaction GIFGiphy"Along with intrusive thoughts is the intrusive music. All the time never stops. Just broken snippets, 'Oops I did it again, oops I did it again, oops I did it again' over and over til I think I’m going mad!!!"
Jeansiesicle
Random music in the brain.
I've been kept up nights over the music.
And there is no volume dial.
WTF?!
Dying Classic Film GIF by Warner ArchiveGiphy"I get one regularly that’s a vivid image of me digging out the artery in my wrist with a fish hook and then snapping it like a rubber band."
canijustbelancelot
Bed Check
"If my bedroom isn't clean or tidy when I lay down to sleep, I picture bugs, rodents, etc climbing over me in bed. Not far off because my last condo building had such a bad mouse infestation. Ugh. I'm itchy just thinking about it now."
crankyoldhag45
"I have to check my room every night for spiders, the same routine every night no matter how tired I am. I hate it. I'm convinced if I don't check, it'll be the one night a big one crawls on me, and that did happen once, so the compulsion to check is now very much set in stone. :( "
sakura_gasaii
Reminders
"I love getting constant reminders about my absolute worst memories, ranging from 'WTF was I thinking' to redeem now for a free panic attack. I considered typing one out but stared at that last full stop for a minute before snapping out of it and reconsidering lol. I’ve gotten very good at forgetting things. It’s for the best."
Arterra
Bad Attacks
"I've been getting bad claustrophobia attacks on the train lately. The moment it gets too crowded I start thinking about the trains to Auschwitz and how the people were trapped in there for days at a time, squeezed in like sardines, with no bathroom breaks, no room to stretch, freezing or sweltering, starving or panicking or dying... Sorry. You asked."
Wazula23
Rituals
I Hope Please GIFGiphy"I have to pray before bed or my father won't wake up the next morning."
No_Scale7584
"OCD rituals hit hard. I hope it doesn’t cause you too much distress, but I understand how exhausting it can be."
StillExpectations
Our thoughts can really be our enemy.
If you suffer some intrusive thoughts, there are plenty of medical resources out there for you. .
Reddit user sk8fast8ass asked:
"Fellow ADHD folks, what are you tired of hearing from people without ADHD who try to give you advice on how to manage your ADHD?"
We know you love us.
We really do.
And it's because you love us, you'll read these answers and stop to ask yourself:
"Is this a really obvious solution that they've probably heard and tried 47 times already?"
Does it sound anything like:
Try Harder
" 'Try harder. Set an alarm. Make a list. I lose things too…' "
"There are lost and semi completed lists all over my house.!"
"The unsolicited advice was neither helpful nor warranted. I just don’t tell folks now."
"For the most part people outside of my immediate family think I have my sh*t together. I guess I'm good at masking."
"I made it to my 30’s without meds although high school & college would have been way easier if my parents had acknowledged that I actually had ADHD & had meds. But somehow I made honors/dean’s list & bought my first house by age 25."
"It’s pretty chaotic & stressful but the suggestions/guilt tripping/excuses don’t change anything. So, aside from my fam, only a few friends know."
"I just hold myself accountable, and know my limitations. And actually honor them instead of pretending I'm somehow going to magically get my life together for this thing."
"I have to say no to a lot of extraneous responsibilities asked of me like church volunteering, community/civic involvement - I try to do 1 or 2 things but no more than that at any given time. Even now with Rx, My regular responsibilities are barely manageable as is."
GiphyLists. Do. Not. Always. Help.
"I got tired of explaining how lists are the worst thing you can do."
"You never remember to update. You never remember to actually look at the list."
"It gives you more anxiety knowing that you might have forgot to do something. Seeing everything all written down like that is overwhelming and makes everything feel impossible."
"And the worst part; you write lists to not having to remember, so you forget 100% of the things in the list because of that!"
- ch3l4s
"I've found lists and schedules very effective..."
"... When my wife manages them and just tells me what I need to know when I need to know it."
"Unless someone's volunteering to do that for you that's terrible advice."
"My wife is an extremely organized person. She keeps a diary in which every important date, appointment, etc of every member of the household is written, and she checks it regularly. It's sorcery."
- Otherwise_Window
GiphyGet Real
"Kinda tired of people trying to treat it as a quirky thing that I should love and not something I’d remove from myself the first chance I got."
"I saw some stupid thing on Instagram about how people with ADHD are so lucky because we get to think colorful thoughts and remember random lyrics or something insulting and ridiculous."
- Quirkyserenefrenzy
"I mean on one hand I don't want to hate my ADHD since it's a part of me that's never going away. If I'm going to be stuck with it forever, I wanna try and be positive about it and find ways to like that about myself, even if it is a hindrance most of the time."
"On the other hand, though, it really is a huge hindrance most of the time and it makes it nearly impossible for me to do anything. I don't want other people treating it like it's not a big deal when it really is."
- AliceJoestar
"Those people are in denial about the practical roadblocks ADHD puts up. You certainly shouldn't waste energy feeling butthurt about it, but you still need to function in the world and that means some work is in order."
- Desdinova74
GiphyWe're Not All Hyper
" 'Oh, you don't have ADHD. My so-and-so has it and they are not like you at all.' "
"Yea I know I don't seem to have ADHD! I have inattentive ADHD which is very different from other types of ADHD."
- _Railley_
"I used to doodle in my notebook while teachers would give lessons because it was impossible for me to just sit and watch them talk while still retaining information."
"I had more than one teacher try to tell me that it wasn't ADHD because 'you can pay attention to your drawing but not the lesson?' despite the fact that I was paying attention to the lesson. Drawing was HOW I was paying attention."
- White_Wolf_Dreamer
"My son has inattentive ADHD and getting him diagnosed was hell."
“ 'But he is always so well behaved!' Yes, but he is failing 3rd grade because he cannot concentrate on his work."
"I had to really push the issue with everyone. And now, 8 years later, after being a straight A student while on the medication, people, his father included, still don’t believe it, because he is never hyperactive."
- Coconut-bird
GiphyIn Your Head
" 'It's all in your head!' "
"Yeah no sh*t."
- Ph6r60h
"Yeh, F that. I want to ask them 'OK? So, I can’t leave my head at home or swap brains so this is the only brain I have.' "
- California_Kat360
" 'And your back pain is all in your back.' of course a neurological thing is all in my head, where else would it be?”
- Pseudonymico
GiphyA Little Is Not A Lot
" 'Everyone has a little ADHD.' Ok fine maybe, but some of us have A LOT of ADHD."
"Some people dismiss it like everyone gets distracted or procrastinates or is disorganized. Essentially saying you're not struggling with ADHD; everyone experiences this."
"Not true. Losing things sometimes or something being disorganized is not the same as being born with a chemical imbalance in your brain."
"People try to downplay the fact you need treatment just because everyone may experience this from time to time."
"For me it’s truly frustrating when someone tries to downplay the need for ADHD meds because yes, I could go without them and be miserable. But with them my life is so improved."
- igoachu
GiphyThe Distraction Is ME
" 'Have you tried putting your phone away so you’re not distracted by it and can focus on work?' ”
"Listen, it doesn’t matter if I’m in a completely empty room with no windows and white walls, my brain WILL find something else to focus on beside the task I actually need to do."
- discarded_scarf
"Finally somebody that understands!"
"Only thing that might get me to do it is if you literally remove all my senses, put me in a empty room and then maybe I'd do it without distraction. I just have to factor it in to my day at this point. There WILL be distractions."
- MegaRayQuaza126
"Exactly this."
"I'm not distracted by things. I AM THE DISTRACTION. My brain just changes the channel and without meds there's no controlling it, I just need to wait til my brain decides it's time to circle back."
"With meds I at least have a chance."
- [Reddit]
GiphyJust Because We're Making It Work
"Had a new psych basically say he didn’t think my ADHD diagnosis (from an earlier psych) could be accurate because I got good grades in college."
"Like, yea I crammed before EVERY assignment and exam. Just because I was successful doesn’t mean my methods are not VERY dysfunctional/anxiety inducing for me."
"I felt very invalidated. Worse because it was coming from the person who was supposed to help me with the problem."
- Millarbles
"My psych laughed at me when I first brought up that when my husband talked about his ADHD symptoms I started to realize I was also experiencing those symptoms... a lot."
"She and tried to say something like 'don't we all want to pretend that we're all alike?' as if I was just mirroring his symptoms so I could suffer with him or something like that. I couldn't possibly have ADHD cause I was making my life work."
"Anyway, not long after that she actually talked to me and I was quickly diagnosed. Those initial dismissals always hurt the patient."
- Wreck-A-Mended
"For real. Like a normal car can use 2 tanks of gas to finish a race."
"Another car can sputter and burn up 5 gallons of gas because it needs to work harder because it's three times the weight of the first car. Both finish the race, the other needed way more gas though to do the same task."
"That's what ADD/ADHD is like. Being that 2nd car."
- FlynnLight
GiphyLike An Addict
"Honestly I'm less tired of hearing people's advice and more tired of how hard it is to get medication for ADHD, and how some doctors treat you like an addict for trying to get medication that is literally needed to just be able to try to function during the day."
"And still, any unexpected change to my schedule makes me forget a dozen other things I have to do. In my state it's not legal for my prescription to be auto-refillable so I have to remember to call my doctor's office every time I need a refill for my medication, sit though being on hold, then get transferred to voice mail anyways."
"As well as having to take piss tests randomly when I visit despite being on this medication for a year."
"Guess who is currently unmedicated because I forgot to call Friday since I woke up to the power being out, hoped it would be on when I got back from classes at my Uni (Spoiler alert: it wasn't), and since I had online assignments had to drive 40 minutes back up to Uni to realize as I parked that I forgot literally all my things and immediately had to drive back."
"So I'm saving the 3 doses I have for the 3 finals M-W that I have just in case it takes a week to get it refilled again."
"Honestly I can deal with the bad advice, I not only have inattentive-presenting ADHD but also major depressive disorder, so I've heard basically all of the 'just get better' statements."
"But just to get the diagnosis, to keep medicated, worrying about even moving because honestly I was lucky how much mental health support this small town even had, etc, is exhausting."
- Kryso
GiphyAlarms
" 'You could just set an alarm!' "
"No. Firstly it's patronizing they believe I've not considered this, secondly it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how executive dysfunction presents - they think we merely forget to do X task."
"What they've actually done is added a whole new complicated task for me to remember to do every day, on top of attempting the original task."
"Now I'm somehow meant to organize my entire day around that alarm going off, so I'm completely free at that exact time to do whatever task it's meant to prompt me to do? Or in my case I'm more likely to attempt to organize an entire week in advance to ensure this, which is massively overwhelming and likely to fuck up executive functions in other ways."
- UKKasha2020
"The issue people don't get is, it's deterministic vs stochastic."
"If you want something done, you can create in an ADHD individual the tendency to get that task done at some temporally decoupled time. As opposed to asking someone who can schedule it with known timings."
"Like you could say 'The furnace filter needs changing.' In general, it will get done when possible, in the next few days, probably."
"As opposed to 'The furnace filter needs changing, so do it immediately and drop everything else.' "
"If we try to do things in that immediate way, it often causes other things to fall apart because we are now chasing the immediate gratification of doing all the things we suddenly remember need doing."
"Now we have started 47 things and completed nothing."
"Really it's just, time doesn't matter on the order of minutes or even hours, there is no anxiety or acknowledgement around it."
- chcampb
GiphyThese Low Effort Jobs Have Surprisingly High Salaries | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Have you ever worked one of those jobs that paid you to kinda sit there? If you have, you know the joy that comes with watching the entirety of Breaking Bad ...Just What To Say
"My first doctor told me that he knew people while in school who knew exactly what to say to get adderall and implied I was just wanting it so I could sell at the university around the corner."
"It took several more years before I opened up to another doctor after that, despite being pretty sure I had it."
"Surprise, surprise. I have it bad."
"The implication that I just wanted drugs was 100% not helpful."
- excitedpiddler
Mr Bean Thumbs Up GIFGiphyThe Usual Variations
" 'If you just applied yourself you'd do so much better!' ''
" 'We both know you're smart; stop being lazy! ''
" 'Write it down' "
" 'You're fine, you can focus on video games no problem!' "
"Because I had so many symptoms, I was diagnosed with a bunch of stuff in addition to ADHD (Bipolar type 2, General Anxiety, Avoidant Personality Disorder), and never realized it was all actually kinda ADHD, cause I had it *bad*."
"And I also never really knew what being 'normal' was, so I was never able to accurately state whether or not my meds were working. My guardian said they were, so I just agreed with him."
"But they weren't."
"I was still always forgetting things, fidgeting, having huge mood swings, short temper, etc...But my guardian was convinced I was just lazy and not disciplined or whatever."
"Eventually began making me write everything in a planner, per school period per day, and I had to get my teachers to sign it, or I'd get in trouble."
"...Guess who kept forgetting to get their teachers to sign things?"
"Guess who forgot their school planner?"
"Guess who would forget they had to write things at all?"
"Cause y'know, ADHD STUFF."
"But yes. The usual variations of 'you're just not trying/lazy/undisciplined.' "
- thunderstrike23
Britney Spears Reaction GIFGiphyMentally Deranged?
"I'm sick of people talking to me as if I'm mentally deranged."
"I was diagnosed when I was very young (6 years old or something like that) so every school I have been to the teachers think they need to treat me like a small child."
"I have ADHD, I'm not a three year old. You can speak to me like you would speak to anyone else my age."
"This pisses me off so damn much because I've been talked down to my whole life when I'm certain that most children at that age would be diagnosed with it had they been examined."
"Oh and also, f*ck people who tell you that you have to take medicine. People have no idea how shit it feels taking it and no idea how much it doesn't help for everyone."
- Latter_Ad_6226
Will Smith Wtf GIFGiphy"Not Allowed" To Have ADHD?
"We were part of a group of parents with young kids. A wonderful friend and father and I were talking about my ADHD son."
"He really didn’t know the 'reality of our experiences on the ground.' ”
"So as we were discussing it he just said, 'Oh we don’t allow that behavior.' ”
"I said, 'Oh, we don’t either, but there’s that behavior we deal with daily.' ”
"No matter how open and kind, unless you live it, it’s impossible to understand. You can't just 'not allow' someone to have ADHD."
"The symptoms are absolutely real and punishing them rather than getting help only makes everyone have to struggle more."
- onascaleoffunto10
irish setter no GIF by Robert E BlackmonGiphySleep Schedules
"ADHD can cause insomnia. My father would just say 'Have you tried going to bed earlier?' ”
"That’s not how that works…."
- NudistDudest
"On how to sleep better: 'just make a habit of going to bed earlier!' ”
"It’s taken me 2-3 hours to fall asleep since I was a baby. In my 40’s now and tried everything, I don’t think it’s going to change."
- Swedish-Butt-Whistle
Fast And Furious Sleeping GIF by The Fast SagaGiphyDenial Doesn't Help
"Mom got mad at me for asking if I had ADHD when I was growing up."
"Went through high school and graduated (practically living on my own too) with a lot of stress in the house."
"I felt like something was wrong with me, but mom swore it couldn’t be adhd right?"
"Ya that f*cked me up all of high school. Now here I am; still f*cked, but finally starting to get help. "
- Easyusername777
Deny Khloe Kardashian GIF by Bunim/Murray ProductionsGiphy"But You're So Calm!"
" 'You have ADHD? But you’re so calm. I think that doctor misdiagnosed you.' "
" 'You’re not like XYZ who’s just jumping off the walls all the time! You just have to stop being so lazy!' ”
"Um. My ADHD is inattentive, not hyperactive. That’s why I’m calm. I’m not lazy (ok maybe a little)."
"I just cannot get myself to do that very important thing that has to get done out of fear that I’ll do it completely wrong or embarrass myself."
"And no. My doctor didn’t misdiagnose me. I have very clear, life affecting symptoms."
"Oh and my memory sucks. It’s pretty bad sometimes. I’m concerned for the future over that."
"My head also never shuts up. I could be totally calm and quiet, but inside I’m thinking of a million different things all the time."
"And when I’m not, it’s like I can hear a continuous buzzing. It’s tiring."
"Ugh and the meds suck. It worked at first. But I would have to up my dosage every few months because it always seemed to stop working eventually."
"Worst part is how much weight I lost from lack of appetite and pure nausea and how much sleep I lost on it. My head just would not shut up and I couldn’t sleep until 3am only to have to get up for school at 6."
"Everything sucks. And I feel like no one in my life really gets it so I don’t get the chance to really vent over it or talk about it."
- slytherinxiii
everything sucks GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphyHere's Why
" 'Why can't you just focus?' "
"Well you see... I had a plan of action, but there was a REALLY nice squirrel outside and it was going all ftfyfyfttyyfgyyyy and stuff."
"And I wondered how squirrel claws worked. They must be sharp right? Since they climb so well?"
"So even though I put my laundry in 2 hours ago I started googling about squirrels and learned a lot! Then I realized that I was hungry so I out a bagel in the toaster, then I realized I needed to go grocery shopping, but I was kinda stinky so I should shower."
"Then I thought I should probably get some work done first, but that squirrel tab was still open so I kept looking at that. Then I found some cool ferret videos!"
"Why are they so stinky? Why can't I have one?"
"Oh that's why. SH*T! My bagel! Sh*t my laundry! Sh*t, my shower!"
"F*ck it's like noon... I deserve to play some video games."
"Sh*t! Stuff has to download!"
"Oh look that squirrel is back."
- Kunkyskunts
squirrel eating GIFGiphyFocus Frustration
"I'm sick of hearing that hyper-focusing isn't abnormal."
"Tell me that when I can't get my work done because I can't stop reading about TV specs after I decided I wanted to buy a new one and I need to know everything about it."
"I know I'm screwing up. I cannot stop."
"Also, I'm over hearing how the inability to focus at all on anything I don't enjoy is completely normal and how I don't need medication, I just need to follow their tips for focusing."
- Nivasha
Tired Sick Of It GIF by TLCGiphyI Know What I Need
"So I have Inattentive type. I come off as a very cool, calm, and collected person but under the surface my mind is utter mayhem."
"So many thoughts, ideas, worries, memories, etc. flying through my head 24/7. It’s fucking exhausting."
"People have ragged on me for being antisocial but I NEED quiet, alone time in order to calm down my brain and recharge the batteries."
"Going out to public places, or family events, essentially any situation where there’s a lot of stimulation will make it so much worse because everything grabs my attention. I hear every conversation taking place in a room."
"I struggle super hard to just be present in the moment instead of feeling like my brain is just being jostled to and fro with every tiny thing happening around me."
"When I’m really having a hard time and tell friends and family I’m not up to going out because I need to rest, they just look at it as me being sulky and I often get 'You need to get out! Go have some fun! Come out of your shell!' ”
"It’s so frustrating. I know when I need to spend a Saturday night with noise cancelling head phones on just listening to classical music and meditating."
"Going to a party when my brain is exhausted will make me so much more miserable."
- TheVeryElect
Season 4 Starz GIF by Survivor’s RemorseGiphyIf it does, we've heard it.
We've tried it.
It maybe worked for 15 minutes or until the stickers ran out.
Those of you with ADHD or other neurodiversities probably had several "oof" moments reading through these.
I know I did.
What would you add to the list?
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One mom went to Reddit's popular AITA ("Am I The A$$hole?") subReddit to get people's opinions on her experience with a schedule-loving parent of a child with ADHD.
What started with a tense invitation ended with the ADHD child's parent taking her very upset child and leaving the party. The party thrower really wanted to know, was she the bad guy for refusing to force the entire party to adhere to a down-to-the-minute schedule that the other parent brought along?
Let's let her explain it:
"AITA for letting my son invite a friend to his birthday, even knowing the boy didn't go to parties?"
"My 10 (just turned 11) year old son has a friend who's left out of a lot of activities. Not for lack of invitations, his parents would just decline. I didn't know why until recently, figured it wasn't really my business."
"My son was having a sleepover and wanted to invite the kid. I figured no reason not to invite him, so even if he didn't go, he'd know he was welcome."
"My son was with him after school and asked if he wanted to come and he said definitely and he was free."
Ok, so far things sound great!
Her son invited a little boy to his birthday party, even though the little boy almost never goes. Kids inviting one another to birthday parties happens all the time.
Nothing to be upset about... right?
Apparently the other boy's mom felt differently:
"He told me his friend could make it so I emailed her and said the boys talked and sent the info about the sleepover. She responded and said she was really upset my son had approached her son about it instead of me writing to her before calling it to her son's attention."
"I apologized and said I understood if her son couldn't go. She said now that her son knew about it, she had no choice but to let him go or he'd be crushed, but I needed to help manage his condition. I figured that meant supervising his taking some medication or not letting things get too loud or whatever."
Oof.
Welp, looks like we're starting out on the wrong foot. The other child's mother seemed to feel like boundaries were crossed because the two boys spoke directly about the party rather than just leave that to the parents.
That's okay—this can be redeemed.
Apologies were made and we're good to move forward.
Maybe.
"She said he was extremely routine oriented and needed routine to thrive and stay on course so I had to go by his routine, and that she noticed the invite said 3:00 but he couldn't start the sleepover until 5:30. I said that was fine (taking it to mean he wouldn't be over until 5:30.)"
"She drops him off and is irate to find we'd already started and everyone else was there. She told me she was upset I had already not adhered to the schedule and I explained the miscommunication. She said to avoid further miscommunications she'd brought his schedule along."
"It was very precise. 6:00-7:05, dinner time. 7:06-8:29, quiet indoor play. 8:30-8:44, brush teeth, etc. To her credit, she had written in suggestions of where the birthday activities could fit (e.g., she wrote "or present opening" next to quiet indoor play.)"
"I took one look at the list and explained the party wasn't really running on a set schedule, the boys were just hanging out."
The other boy's mom thought her child's schedule would be changing the time of the birthday boy's party? Birthday boy's mom thought that was just the time this particular child would show up.
As awkward as that exchange must have been, it was only about to get worse. Birthday boy's mom was shocked to find that the other child's mother had brought along a down-to-the-minute schedule that she expected the party to adhere to.
Mind you, if you've spent any time with ten or eleven year old boys, you know that sort of regimented schedule is nearly impossible when you've got them in a group. Birthday boy's mom was honest and explained that the schedule wasn't really likely to work in that scenario.
Most ten year old children at parties:
We get that "cats in a mosh pit" is probably exactly what the other child's mom is trying to avoid, so routine and schedules are probably quite helpful.
But down-to-the-minute? With no flexibility? Surely there has to be a compromise.
Let's keep reading.
"She became very flustered and said if that was the case her son would become overwhelmed and she'd have to take him home and he'd be devastated. I apologized but said I definitely couldn't guarantee adherence to this schedule so didn't want to assume responsibility for her son if it was of critical importance."
"Unsurprisingly, her son was very very sad to have to leave. I suggested to the mom that he join the boys in the yard where they were playing basketball, but she said it wasn't time for basketball right then."
"So he ended up leaving and I feel bad because he was so upset. I keep thinking back and wondering if I should've just not invited him and saved everyone all this trouble? She said he needed this schedule because he has ADHD." - dropclassic
OK, so that whole compromise thing really went down in flames, huh?
The other boy's mom was all-or-nothing about this extremely tight schedule. So much so that she wouldn't even allow her son to play basketball with the other children before she left with him.
That left birthday boy's mom with some serious questions. Was the schedule really that critical? If so, was she a jerk for even inviting the child in the first place? Upsetting him was obviously not her intent and how could she possibly have known anything about his schedule beforehand?
There were a few moments there where it seemed like the other boy's mom was trying to guilt birthday boy and birthday mom for her child's negative reactions. It was their fault her son would be devastated. If they would just abide by her schedule ... you get where we're going with this.
Did she mean it that way or was it just poorly worded, misunderstood, or possibly care-taker fatigue talking?
We don't really have any solid answers for you - and neither did the birthday boy's mother. Which is why he turned to the collective Reddit mind to ask - was she the a$hole?
Reddit, as expected, did not hold back.
"Don't overthink how the invites went out. This is how normal kids birthday parties are thrown."
"I was thinking maybe the kid had a condition with OCD or was maybe autistic. But when I saw the edit and the mom told you he had ADHD, it makes me think the mom has an issue with OCD or she has one major control problem, which is very concerning as well."
"Also, she is putting a lot of blame on you and trying to guilt you with how badly her son feels by being told he can't go to the party. She's not taking any responsibility or helping her kid see why he may struggle participating in those types of activities and it may be better if he doesn't attend (if he really does have a problem like you described.)"
"If that kid doesn't have issues now, they will as an adult." - madbeckster
"I actually get the other mom. My step-son has ADHD and thrives on schedules, but for special times we just have to bite the bullet and realize he's gonna suck for a couple of days until we can get him back on his inner schedule."
"By 'schedule' I mean nothing as strict as what the Mom put down lol. Just more order to the day if anything" - 76KHww
"Wtf? I would bet 10x my yearly salary that if that kid stayed at that party and did not adhere to this foolish schedule that he would have been perfectly fine. His mother's neuroses are preventing her child from having a normal life."- 1028
"My kid also has ASD/ADHD, and she has had to adapt to uncertainty BECAUSE LIFE IS UNCERTAIN. How are these kids ever going to survive if they're never challenged?"
"How will they manage when things go sideways and mom isn't there to be their coping skills? What if mom got sick?"
"No one else is likely going to follow through, and she's just guaranteed that her kid will have no experience in managing discomfort."
"Life is hard. Kids need to get used to that." - epi_introvert
"As some one who has been diagnosed with severe ADHD and two other disabilities, this is key. My parents raised me to never be the victim of my disabilities—that means I gotta role with the punches."
"There will come a point where your schedule will change suddenly and you have to adapt, especially once your parental support system isn't as there/is less than what it was.
"And also it gives us the taste of what 'normal' life is like without all our disabilities. If I were to strictly adhere to a schedule I would no doubt feel even more different from my peers." - LolzDogs
"I've had ADHD my whole life and my case is fairly severe. A fairly strict routine can be helpful for us, but holy Jesus, not anywhere near that strict!"
"When people say routines help for people with ADHD, they mean with regular daily tasks, like doing chores at the same time every day to help us remember to do them. Sometimes having unscheduled events/time can be stressful and overwhelming for me in the sense that if I wake up and I have X amount of things to do today, getting those things done can be really hard without a set plan because I might lose track of time, get distracted, etc."
"Sometimes unexpected events get me flustered and overwhelmed, like a last minute appointment out of the blue. A birthday party doesn't meet any of that criteria; in fact, it's scheduled recreation time so it should be 100% fine in that regard!"
"Regimenting the activities during the party has no benefit because the kid has no reason to worry about forgetting anything or losing track of time. It sounds like the mom has misinterpreted advice from a doctor, and has gotten really, really neurotic with it."
"Knowing how issues run in families I wouldn't be surprised if she had some form of OCD/anxiety or autism." - pahobee
"Even with ADHD or autism the mother didn't handle it right. Expectations needed to be clearer upfront of needs are this specific."
"She can't get upset at the boy being invited getting his hopes up when she literally takes him to the party only to take him back away. That's very disruptive and probably more problematic than letting him go to the party, or just saying no in the first place."
"Routines are definitely helpful, but even just knowing the plan can help mitigate some of the struggle. Asking for a schedule/order of events and reviewing it with the son rather than demanding a routine down to the minute would have been a more reasonable accommodation that may have been enough."
"And if that wasn't enough it was on them to ask ahead of time or choose not to participate." - qqweertyy
"I mean, I don't know what health conditions this child is living with, why it takes him 14 minutes to brush his teeth, or what the one and only correct time for casually shooting hoops with friends is. I am also mystified as to how any group of ten year-olds engages in "quiet indoor play" - last time I had more than one ten year-old at my house, I had to make and enforce brand new rules about not having conversations by yelling at each other through open windows, and then about not painting light bulbs."
"This woman is going to have a tougher and tougher time maintaining this level of control as her son gets older, and kids more and more take their social lives into their own hands. I hope that she and her son can find a way to meet his needs." - eaca02124
"I've had ADHD since I was diagnosed at 3. I'm in my 30s now."
"I'll be blunt. Kid would've been fine if mom was not a control freak that tried to force the world to adhere to what she wants."
"What kinda psycho shows up at a birthday party with her kid and is like 'All of you aren't adhering to my son's schedule, how dare you!' That is some next level entitled bull."
"That's like your kid having diabetes and forcing all the kids at the party to eat like a diabetic. Insanity."
"Oh and the cherry on top is psycho woman puts all the blame on you and the other kids at the end, as she makes her kid get in the car. Just wow." - thesneakness
Many of the people who chimed in have experience with ADHD. They felt the other mom's schedule and entitlement to it were overkill—and possibly indicative of something deeper going on.