Being a part of a wedding is high stakes, for better or worse. And the more complex it is, the more likely things will go wrong. Trust me--that's why I pretty much eloped. Crazy sh*t can go down when it comes to peoples' big day.
“But how bad can they be?" The answer to that is pretty freakin' horrific. Topdogkingchamp asked:
What's the worst thing you've witnessed at a wedding ?
Let’s dive in, and watch the train wreck go down. Via Reddit, of course.
Wedding slapstick is less funny than you think.
“Only horrible for one person. The main hostess for the reception of about 30 guests. She carried in the 3-tier wedding cake, rather than using a cart. She not only dropped it, but fell face first into it on the floor. First dead silence...then a few giggles....and then her emotional breakdown like I have never seen before.
She was completely devastated from both the embarrassment and ruining that special moment. We all eventually assured her that we're half drunk and don't care about the cake. The best part was that she easily collected $1000 more in tips than she would have had that not happened.”
A not-so-best man.
Jersey Shore Vinny GIF by Jersey Shore Family VacationGiphy“Was a wedding DJ for 7 years. DJ'd several hundred weddings. Seen a lot of stuff.
One horrible thing I've witnessed: I introduce the best man to give his speech and hand him the mic. He starts out by saying, (paraphrasing because this was years ago but pretty close to the quote IIRC) "Well, there were a lot of things that I didn't agree with in this relationship when it first started, and that I still don't agree with because it's seriously messed up and unbalanced and the dynamic is too one sided, etc. etc. (he's starring at the bride while saying this, proceeds to trail off)...... but......that's not why we're here today. We're here........ to celebrate the marriage between Jack and Ingrid.....so I just want to say congratulations, best of luck to you guys, etc. etc."
Everyone in the whole place was just looking around, glancing nervously at one another.
Afterwards the father of the groom or bride (can't remember which one) comes up to me and says, "Thank you for not cutting the mic. I saw you looking at the head table and at us for direction and when you didn't get it, you didn't act. I appreciate that because I think it would have been even more awkward if he had just been cut off and didn't get the chance to at least come back to congratulating them."
Most awkward compliment I've ever received.”
How rude.
“My dad taking pictures at my brothers wedding. It doesn't sound bad, but he was getting in the way of the photographer my brother hired. Ever pic he tried to take my dad was right beside him inching him out and pushing him out of the way. My brother and mom were both really pissed at him.”
Bad timing, dad.
“I've only been to one wedding and it was dad's cousin's wedding.
My dad's uncle (the groom's father) did a toast when the groom and bride were at the alter, and he said, "I'm glad I made it out here today. I just want you guys to know that I have cancer and I'm going to die soon. Congrats to my son and his beautiful bride. Enjoy your time!"
Everyone was in complete silence. It was the most awkward thing I've possibly ever witnessed.
FWIW, this was in 2008 and the groom's father is still alive."
[deleted]
At least they finished the ceremony.
“I've shared this before, and in the end it turned into a story to retell, but the pastor officiating my wedding had a heart attack, and my (now) wife and I caught him as he fell. We have video of my wife, in her wedding dress, consoling the pastor's wife, who was in tears behind the podium. One of my groomsmen is an ER doc and handled the situation well, and the pastor finally came back around. He was stubborn and insisted on finishing the ceremony (through the sound of sirens of the ambulance coming for him). Then my brother (best man) passed out minutes later. Apparently he had put on the wrong collared shirt and it was too tight around the neck. At least the EMTs had something to do while the pastor finished up.
My brother spun and handed the rings off to ER Doc groomsman as he fell, and my wife and I just busted up laughing at that point.”
Well, it can’t get any worse. That is, until the in-laws get involved.
Now that’s what I call a big yikes.
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory Tantrum GIFGiphy“My time has come.
Good friends getting married; it was a medium-sized wedding (no more than 75 people, including the bridal party and groomsmen). The bride's sister-in-law is pissed off something mighty. It was a wedding and reception by a lake, and everyone knew the venue, so we dressed accordingly-- shirts and comfortable trousers, sundresses and sandals, etc. Sister-in-law is dressed like she's heading out for an evening of dinner and dancing. Sky-high heels, tight dress, rhinestones everywhere. She looks gorgeous! But it's not comfortable. And we're outside.
The ceremony is sweet... except for the words "F*cking bugs... f*cking pine needles, godd*mn dirt..." that's being picked up from the small (yet apparently mighty) microphone up front.
Right after the ceremony, we walk over to the gazebo/picnic area where the reception will be, and the sister-in-law starts lobbing her high heels at her husband, screeching about what an awful day it is, gashes her husband's eyebrow open. While people are scrambling to get him napkins because facial wounds bleed like a motherf*cker, and try to get him into a car to drive him the the hospital for stitches she decides to up the ante. She says "I can't take this anymore!" and throws herself off of the dock in a dramatic swan dive.
The problem is, the lake at that point was only four feet deep, and marshy, so instead of a suicide, she just sort of... bobs? along in the water because everyone's more concerned with her husband's eye/face. Sister-in-law's father just turns towards the lake, tells her to get her a** out of there and cut the sh*t.
They pile into two cars and drove off. It was surreal."
The Best 'Actually, You're Speaking To The Boss' Experience | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Maybe ask for a ride next time.
“Bride and groom were 2 hours late to the wedding.
Neither one of them has a license, but had to have a wedding out in the woods. They never thought to contact anyone and ask for a ride to their wedding.
Of course they didn't pay the cell phone bill and it got shut off. Didn't matter because there was no cell reception where we were anyway.”
That bride is kind of a bad*ss.
“Ex girlfriend of the groom showed up at the wedding...uninvited and drunk. He broke up with her 10 years earlier, and has not seen her in over 8 years. She was loud and saying very perverted thing about what she wanted to do to the groom. The bride steps up, goes all out and punches the ex in the face... knocks the ex out cold.
The bride we know is a normally calm and peaceful person. A few of us carry the ex out of the reception and drop her at her apartment about 20 min away. Bride told my wife that ‘there is nothing that will ruin my wedding day’.”
That bride is right- never let anyone ruin your special day. These next few people should’ve had that mindset.
The poor bride.
Sad Getting Married GIF by Stad GenkGiphy“My husband and I were invited to the wedding of a military buddy of his. We were running a little late, but weren't too worried. We got onto base and headed for the main chapel (there are three or four chapels on base). When we got to the main chapel, it was apparent that there was no wedding going on. Looked at the invitation again. It just said "Post chapel" and gave an address. So obviously, this wasn't the post chapel that the bride had intended and I whipped out my phone to look up the address. We drove to that part of the base and found the place. It was some sort of administration building, definitely not a chapel.
We were confused, but we found a building with "Chaplain's office" on the directory so we figured we'd been invited to some sort of civil ceremony. The building was locked. Now thoroughly confused and late at this point.
As we were wondering what we should do, we see an older gentleman in a tuxedo wandering around. He's pretty clearly in the same boat. Turns out he's the groom's father and he doesn't have any more idea what's going on than we do. After a few more minutes, a soldier arrives. He's the chaplain's assistant and he's looking for lost wedding guests (namely the groom's father). Turns out the bride put down the wrong address and the wrong chapel name on the invitation.
By the time we got to the wedding (which they had delayed because the groom's dad was missing), the bride was in tears. I felt so bad for her."
They finally started the wedding, and the chaplain gave an awkward sermon about "being clothed in Jesus' love" and lost his place several times. Finally, as the ceremony was over and the guests began to applaud, a bat fell down out of the ceiling and died.
Craziest wedding I'd ever been to."
Rule #1 of weddings: NEVER do this.
“At my friend's wedding reception, her little brother asks if he can have everyone's attention. We all think he's going to give a sweet surprise speech about his sister. When all eyes were on him, he turned to his girlfriend and said this whole wedding reminded him that he wanted to ask her an important question. Then he asked his gf to marry him.
She said yes but my friend yelled "OH HELL NO YOU DIDN'T!" and stormed out of her reception.”
“My parents had a pretty disastrous wedding. I wasn't there to witness it but my parents and the guests tell the stories all the time.
The wedding was in July, they were expecting a hot, sunny day but it ended up being a major downpour. My mother had a taxi scheduled to take her from her hotel to the church, due to the rain the taxi was super late. As my mother was waiting, in her wedding dress, she gets hit by a car. She gets knocked to the ground, but it wasn't hard enough to break any bones so she just walks it off. Unfortunately, her dress picked up a lot of the mud from her fall and a big chunk of lace was torn. It turns out the car that hit her was actually the taxi that was supposed to pick her up.
She finally makes it to the church, my father was in tears, on the verge of a nervous breakdown thinking that she wasn't going to show. Again, because of the rain, about a third of the guests didn't make it. The rest of the ceremony went ok.
At the reception, the hotel was understaffed due to the rain and the DJ couldn't make it (again, due to the rain) so the reception consisted of guests sitting around in a silent room waiting for food. A plus one soon decides that she is literally dying of hunger so she goes up and cuts a slice of the wedding cake for herself before my parents had taken pictures with the cake or sliced it.
On the positive side, later on they discovered that a restaurant in the hotel had a jukebox so the restaurant lets them move it into the banquet hall and they're able to pop in some quarters to get music playing.
It was a disaster at the time, but now they look back at it and laugh.
Edit: This was near Chicago around 40 years ago. They're no strangers to rain so I'm assuming it was some monsoon level storms or flooding... I never thought to ask."
The Goof!
Married At First Sight Lol GIF by LifetimeGiphy"A wedding I went to with my brother. It was his best friend's wedding and it was at this small town 15 minutes from me by a local lake. It's warm but it was beautiful that day and everyone was dressed up really nice."
"So they do the vows in front of the lake (with the photographer somewhere taking photos) and as they turn to face everyone else, the groom pulls out his phone super-fast and takes a selfie RIGHT there with his wife. She looked super shocked then shoved him and we all bust out laughing. He's a total goof and it was freaking hilarious."
- Lodur
Bride grabs a knife...
"Ooooh, I got one. I went to the wedding of two good friends. Bride was neglected/abused by her mum as a child, but decides to invite her as an attempt at reconciliation. So we're at the reception part of the evening. Mum is talking to Bridesmaid, and (no one knows what prompted this). Says to her "well I guess it's a good thing you can't have kids isn't it?" Bridesmaid bursts into tears, Bride grabs a knife to threaten Mum (someone stops her), Mum is bundled into car by her partner, and they disappear into the night."
6 Months Later...
"Definitely my friends wedding last year. They had only known each other for 6 months or so before they got married. She was Mormon, he was Atheist. We all thought it was really weird. The parents of the bride and groom hated each other. Two moms got into a verbal argument, then it because physical. I don't know who make the accusation, but one said they're only getting married because she's knocked up. Aaaaand she popped a baby out 6 months later trying to pass it off as a premee. Yea no."
- wtfapkin
How Depressing...
"I went to a wedding with my boyfriend a few years ago. his friend was marrying a woman that NO ONE liked. she was awful. during the ceremony we could all tell that the best man was uncomfortable. as soon as the ceremony ended the best man burst into tears for about 10 minutes and had to excuse himself."
"You could tell he just realized that is best friend was gone forever. we tried to cheer him up and reassure him that him and the groom would still be close, and that the bride wasn't too bad. Everyone present knew it was a lie and we were all just so depressed."
"Later, the bride came and yelled at our entire group (all of her husband's friends) because we weren't dancing enough. we weren't dancing because they had no DJ, just a short playlist with the couples favorite (not dance-y) songs being played on repeat. I think throughout the whole night we heard playlist start and end about 5 times."
Speechless...
"The rest of the groomsmen and I were hanging out in a room off the reception hall about 30 minutes before the ceremony started. The mother of the bride came in and asked us if we wanted her to give us all oral sex. She was a bad tweaker and was already drunk. None of us knew what to say."
- tmagnus
Not the Place
Black Man Usher GIFGiphy"The usher was handing out little pamphlets, and as he did would let every single person know that he had just got engaged recently."
some random country crap...
"The DJ got so drunk that she couldn't even stand. She didn't have the brides wedding song, so a group of people all joined hands and tried to sing the song (some random country crap) for her and she just stood in the middle of the circle crying in her dress, and no one knew the lyrics. And her father got wasted and started a fight which ended with him destroying a stop sign with his fists. Let's not forget that us in the wedding party got picked up in a NASCAR stretch limo. Classy, classy, classy Florida."
- treylek
On the spot...
"Not witnessed by me, but my ex gfs mother. A relative of the bride had a heart attack while dancing traditional Greek songs (like a big half circle of people running, she was leading the circle) She died on the spot, rest of the party was canceled. It actually made the news."
Ummm....
tove styrke run GIFGiphy"The groom waiting at the end of the aisle all smiles and happiness until a bridesmaid came quietly walking down the aisle and pulled him aside to talk to him. The bride had run off."
- Kilen13
Here’s how to not f*ck up a wedding in three easy steps: don’t make it about you, be careful with the cake, and NEVER EVER propose to your partner at someone else’s reception. It’s tacky af.
After reading this, it confirmed that I’m so glad I eloped.
Women Share Their Craziest 'I Am The Client, Not My Husband' Stories
It must be frustrating for women married to their husbands to be overlooked with business transactions they initiated.
57-year-old Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin recently made headlines when he attacked teenage climate change activist Greta Thurnberg at the World Economic Forum in Davos.
Many took notice, including Mnuchin's wife, actress Louise Linton.
When asked about Thurnberg, Mnuchin responded mockingly:
"Is she the chief economist or who is she? I'm confused. After she goes and studies economics in college, she can come back and explain that to us."
Thurnberg responded quickly on Twitter, making it obvious a college degree wasn't needed to see we're headed in the wrong direction.
My gap year ends in August, but it doesn’t take a college degree in economics to realise that our remaining 1,5° ca… https://t.co/OIvIZompij— Greta Thunberg (@Greta Thunberg) 1579790380.0
So either you tell us how to achieve this mitigation or explain to future generations and those already affected by… https://t.co/eF654sWl7g— Greta Thunberg (@Greta Thunberg) 1579790417.0
Graph from @CarbonBrief by @hausfath and @robbie_andrew based on United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP) emissions gap report. 3/3— Greta Thunberg (@Greta Thunberg) 1579790523.0
Many expected that to be the end of the drama, but then Louise Linton, Mnuchin's wife, spoke out on Instagram.
She wrote:
"I stand with Greta on this issue. (I don't have a degree in economics either) We have to drastically reduce our use of fossil fuels. Keep up the fight @gretathunberg."
Steve Mnuchin's own wife Louise Linton comes out against him https://t.co/vuGymS9KaY— Palmer Report (@Palmer Report) 1579993737.0
steven mnuchin’s wife, the actress Louise Linton, posted this on Instagram after his comments on Greta Thunberg. https://t.co/1T1a38LzFQ— andrew kaczynski🤔 (@andrew kaczynski🤔) 1579986598.0
Twitter was happily surprised by Linton's post.
🚨Louise Linton comes out against her own husband, Steve Mnuchin, to side with Greta Thunberg🚨 Earlier this week, M… https://t.co/DtYpr1Tf7J— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivia Nuzzi) 1579986787.0
The best part is she tagged both of them!! I love her! Wow https://t.co/noAFBOcEgp— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivia Nuzzi) 1579986846.0
About 30 minutes later, however, the post disappeared.
UPDATE: Louise Linton appears to have already deleted the post. Altogether it was up for about 30 minutes.… https://t.co/4meVQup6bU— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivia Nuzzi) 1579987415.0
louise linton welcome to the resis - oh never mind https://t.co/LqmFdhDf7Z— my pal andy (@my pal andy) 1579989288.0
Of course, who knows what might happen next in such wild political times?
Louise Linton Suddenly polling a strong second in Iowa— Sam Stein (@Sam Stein) 1579990497.0
@Olivianuzzi @maggieNYT Oh yeah, if there's one thing I associate Linton with, it's being a champion in the fight a… https://t.co/c8ezX9Eaet— The Unreal Tonald Drump (@The Unreal Tonald Drump) 1579987972.0
More than a couple people aimed jokes at Linton for her temporary step out of line.
After she posted and then deleted support for Greta Thunberg I am really worried about Steve Mnuchin's wife Louise… https://t.co/WU0guzGhE3— Jeremy Newberger (@Jeremy Newberger) 1580010445.0
Louise Linton entering Resistance HQ before deleting her post saying she sides with Greta Thunberg over her husband… https://t.co/0WYKv0wVsR— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1579988635.0
@DavisOliverR Breaking: Louise Linton stands with Greta Thunberg for over half-hour.— John Hobbs (@John Hobbs) 1579996557.0
Ultimately, it seems Linton's heart is in the right place even if her actions are not.
Mnuchin on Greta Thunberg: “After she goes and studies economics in college, she can come back and explain that to… https://t.co/tcWc09XgkX— Betsy Klein (@Betsy Klein) 1579985640.0
Sorry, Steve, it looks like the ladies are all against you on this one.
Maybe try not to make fun of high schoolers the next time you're on the global stage?
Mom's Sticker Chart Rewarding Her Husband For Helping With Basic Parenting Tasks Has People Shaking Their Heads
High school sweethearts are just the bee's knees.
And if you married your prom date and had kids, let's just hope you and your honey are equally responsible with parenting duties.
It takes two to tango.
Because nothing says marital-miss like a reward chart for a grown man.
A picture of a chart surfaced online where a mother is rewarding daddy with stickers to assist with parenting chores. And the internet is dry-heaving a little.
"Daddy's Sticker Chart" includes reminders such as "wash dishes," "put toilet seat down," "change blowout diaper," "bathe the rug rats" and "clean throw up" among other tasks.
The accumulation of six stickers for "pack the kids' lunches, for example, earns daddy a "1 get out of the dog house free card."
But perhaps the bigger reward is for when her husband cleans up vomit for the sixth time, she shall reward her man with a "BJ."
And no, the reward is not tickets to see Bon Jovi in concert.
Yup, wifey is trading parenting requirements for oral sex, and suddenly, everyone is gagging.
S**t Bootlickers Say/Facebook
In marriage, we all have our arrangements, I suppose.
But this chart is making the internet throw up a little – which can be good news for daddy.
S**t Bootlickers Say/Facebook
People are mortified over the juvenile arrangement that subverts the traditional expectation that the man you marry will help raise a family with you.
@ChrisTweetsLLC/Twitter
S**t Bootlickers Say/Facebook
S**t Bootlickers Say/Facebook
Metro Lifestyle Editor, Ellen Scott, commented that new relationships come with new responsibilities in addition to taking care of one another.
"It shouldn't be the case that all of your adult responsibilities get shifted on to your significant other, because you're still supposed to be an adult."
But she goes on to say that oftentimes the man becomes the woman's responsibility in a new heterosexual relationship.
"It's her job to make him a better man, to 'provide' for him in terms of domestic tasks such as cooking and cleaning (because these are the women's jobs, right?), to make sure he's still existing as an adult."
She argued that this is not an example of equality and called out the unfairness of women putting in the energy of having to look after her man in addition to taking care of herself.
She gave an assessment based on the kind of relationship she and plenty of others have no time for.
"If your partner needs to be nagged, promised rewards, or given stickers so they'll do basic tasks, you're not dating a man – you're dating an overgrown child who simply doesn't care about your needs."
@AmyanaJones @ChrisTweetsLLC Exactly my thought. Is it the man for not doing basic tasks or the woman for making/p… https://t.co/8nhNMUDD3t— Bee🐝 (@Bee🐝) 1563379922.0
@infobee @AmyanaJones @ChrisTweetsLLC It's definitely the dude. It's always the dude with these things. I can pract… https://t.co/QMEDGgNyU0— Charles (not a lady) Buttkowski (@Charles (not a lady) Buttkowski) 1563382115.0
@LUBOttom @AmyanaJones @ChrisTweetsLLC Complete opposite of my husband. He’s always been hands on with kids and ho… https://t.co/6JW96CqcbT— Bee🐝 (@Bee🐝) 1563385251.0
Twitter made other observations over the rewards options.
@Wecknerd/Twitter
@Wecknerd They are apparently fundamentally THAT dysfunctional— a NEW Phoenecian Thanker (@a NEW Phoenecian Thanker) 1563286921.0
Surely this can't be real.
@ndkirschmann/Twitter
With some sleuthing, Joseph Clemmer unearthed the original post by Baby Sideburns and wrote on Facebook:
"I really hope this is a sad attempt to be funny."
Joseph Clemmer/Facebook
Joseph Clemmer/Facebook
Joseph Clemmer/Facebook
Satire or not, the rewards chart concept took a nosedive.
S**t Bootlickers Say/Facebook
@Mother_of_Tanks @ndkirschmann @ChrisTweetsLLC Manchildren are a cancer.— USEmCee. (@USEmCee.) 1563376274.0
Finally, Scott called out the chart's sexism.
"Needing and expecting to be mothered is a form of sexism."
"It's the idea that women have to be the nurturing, caring ones in a partnership, taking care of the man so that he can go ahead and do manly things, which relies on the assumption that women have nothing better to do than drag a manchild into adulthood at the expense of their own emotional well-being."
So, who's laughing?
if you have someone who needs a chore chart (hopefully a toddler), the I Did It! chore chart is available here with a variety of accomplishments to adapt to greater responsibilities.
People Who Married Their First Significant Other Reveal How They Knew They Were The One
Apparently true love does exist, and so does love at first sight. These lucky people found "the one" and shared their stories. Meanwhile, cats are great.
giantclan asked those who married their first boyfriend/girlfriend: What made you decide they were the one despite never being with anyone else?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.