The convenience of flight comes with a few expected inconveniences. First, your seat is never going to feel like it's big enough for you. Second, the person either in front of or behind you is going to put their feet up or lean their seat too far back. And, third, you have to roll the dice with the TSA checkpoints.
They scan you, check your baggage, send you on your way. Installed as a form of protection, they do their jobs before you even arrive at the airport, keeping very obvious weapons and dangerous minded individuals from boarding your flight.
Most of the time.
"What’s the weirdest reason you were stopped by TSA?"
Most of the time, the agents are doing their best job to figure out what's on your body with a machine that may not be accurate 100% of the time.
It Already Has A Name
"I was wearing normal joggers, nothing in my pockets."
"The lady behind me loudly said 'yeah it's called a penis'"
Packing A Different Kind Of Heat
"This happened to me too. Tsa agent asked to search me with the back of his hand and I said “okay sure.” The back of his hand hit my unit and he said “what’s that?” to which my only response was “That’d be my penis.” The TSA woman next to him started laughing at him and his face went pale before he said 'you’re clear, move along.'"
"I have maintained a decent beard and have a darker skin complexion for a white dude. I am "randomly" selected for a search or shoe swab every single time I fly."
You can assume a lot of these are simple misunderstandings, agents doing their best to make sure everyone gets on the plane safely.
Still, it's got to feel bad to open up a loved one's ashes in a public setting.
Mad Respect For Your Wardrobe
"Not in the USA but in France, I got stopped on the way through customs by an agent who said something fast and aggressive-sounding in French. My French isn't great, so I just looked puzzled and said I didn't understand. The guy quickly beckoned another guy over and explained to him in rapid-fire French what was going on. The second guy turned to me and said "He says your T-shirt is really cool and can you tell him where you got it?". It was a Star Wars T-shirt that I got as a birthday present, so I couldn't even tell him where it came from. Luckily, he didn't arrest me."
"My niece has a teddy bear. She has had this teddy bear essentially since she was born. The doggo has bitten a hole into its belly, so we sew onto it like a lion head sticker, to keep its guts inside. One time we were on holiday visiting family, and she left it there, luckily I was staying a bit longer so I could grab it on my way back."
"An adult man with a teddy bear that had its guts torn open and fixed with a lion bandaid apparently looks pretty suspicious, so they shoved the poor guy into x-ray 3-4 times. She is still in ownership of the teddy bear and it is still in decent shape."
It's A Weapon For A Certain Type Of Person...
"I had a nutcracker in my carry-on. Like a legit, festive Christmas soldier nutcracker - it was a gift for my mom's birthday (she collects them). I was only flying in for 2 days for my grandmas funeral so didn't check any luggage. They stopped me and questioned me for 30 minutes. Kept insinuating I was going to use it as a weapon."
Spider Truck. Spider Truck. Does Whatever A...
"When the Andrew Garfield Spiderman's first came out they did some amazing merch for them."
"My Stepdad is a HUGE Spidey fan, so I picked him up the corniest Spiderman film merch when in the US, one of those being like a whirling cement truck thing? It was a big tonka sized thing and the only bag it would fit in was my carry-on. They stopped me and said "Is that a spiderman toy?" and I took it out and showed them. They said it was the best thing they'd seen all day."
No Smuggling Of Animals
"Like those blown glass ones that are super cool at art galleries."
"I got pulled aside into a small room because they thought I was smuggling sea life. Was an interesting time."
When Things Look Like Other Things
"One time my dad had a few rocks of petrified wood in a bag, and had his phone charger right next to it."
"They almost went DEFCON 1 and did radio people to show up and act if it went down. But they opened the bag and saw it was rocks and a charger. They told him that it looked absolutely identical to what they had been taught a bomb looked like."
One Last Look For Ol' Mom
"My mom passed away unexpectedly in California. I flew out to pick up her ashes and there was a terror alert at LAX. It was unreal; the military was in the airport with what looked like machine guns. I was out of my mind with grief and drugged to the gills. I was dealing with a bad back, and had to fly from California to a small town in Virginia for the memorial service. Security was heightened and everyone was being searched. I only had a small carry on and my mom’s ashes. When I got to the TSA, the agent wanted me to open my mother’s box of ashes! "
"I refused and insisted they x ray the box instead. It showed nothing inside ( duh- ashes) which convinced the TSA agent that it had some sort of cloaking device and was hiding a bomb. Again he insisted that I open the box that held my mom’s ashes. I was beginning to lose my sh-t. I called my husband who works in nuclear power and explained what was going on. He told me to tell the TSA agent to place a coin under the box and send it through the X-ray again. He did and thank goodness he saw the coin. Otherwise I would have been arrested for assaulting a stupid TSA agent."
Ever been stopped by the TSA for something silly? Tell us about it in the comments.
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There are some things that our upbringing had trained us to think are illegal or wrong. Most of the time, they are illegal, but sometimes they just feel illegal.
Sometimes their legality depends on where you are, like turning right when the stoplight is red. Perfectly legal in some areas, but prohibited in others.
Reddit user u/stillchill123 asked:
Walking through "nothing to declare" at the airport and having a nagging concern that just maybe you managed to pack a handgun, several tonnes of pest infested fruit and two thousand cigarettes over the tobacco limit.
Filling out government forms. I answer honestly, but constantly feel like I'm going to misinterpret a question and somehow commit some manner of bureaucratic felony.
Joining a cult.
Starting a cult.
Stockpiling firearms as a cult.
Calling a teacher by their first name.. like it's not illegal but it's illegal.
Driving 250+ km/h on the German Autobahn! Especially when crossing the border from another country and you can drive so much faster that you're used to from the country you made holiday in.
Turning the light on inside the car when you're driving
Walking out from a shop without buying anything
When someone orders a pizza for a group and you take the last slice
Walking/driving around a legal recreation state fully aware of the weed I just bought, my dab pen, and a new bong in my backseat uncovered and perfectly safe from being arrested for any of those, still can't get over it lol
It's wild what people think they can bring on planes.
You're thinking it will just be a normal airport security moment, and then all of a sudden, security is unpacking an entire kitchen from somebody's carry-on luggage. But that's if you're lucky. You never know what else you might find, in earnest.
Security have seen it all. Nothing can really surprise them anymore. But maybe, once in awhile, they will be surprised. And then you shall be afraid. Very afraid.
Here were some of those answers.
The Suitcase Of A Dead Person
I worked in left luggage/lost property in an airport and we found some... Weird things. We had to take all the bags over to be scanned if they were found or handed into us. People had a month to call us or collect or it was donated to charity or disposed of. Here's some I can remember: Samurai swords, a backpack full of live crabs, a suitcase filled entirely of empty monster energy cans, I'm talking maybe 30 cans, a bag of reborn baby dolls, a LOT of moldy food, a LOT of large knives, weird looking adult toys, people's ashes, like how do you carry the ashes of your loved one and leave the bag in the airport?
I used to love the days where we got to sort through out of date stuff because we'd see who found the weirdest thing! Sometimes you would come across a bag that just didn't make sense that had like a towel, underwear and then completely random items that you wouldn't travel with! The stuff people try and get on a plane with is absolutely crazy, we had a lot of 'campers' and 'explorers' who tried to use that as an excuse to take their machetes on board with them!
Ohio Is Freaky This Time Of Year
Didn't even need an x-ray, it was in plain sight.
Working a baggage pier in the sorter, coworker drops off an odd sized item, looked like a regular folding table at first in one of our clear plastic bags. Coworker tells me it is an S&M table. Being the new guy, I thought he was messing with me, but then I looked closer. It was a folding table, but on one side was a T-shaped item labeled "The Jackhammer" down the side. On the other side of the table were some silver handcuffs. So it was an S&M table. Was going to Ohio.
Bags O' Fun
Not the airport but coming onto a military base overseas was running the X-ray machine at the walk-in gate. Seen a very tiny chick come in wearing a grossly oversized backpack and she had an odd expression on her face like she was uncomfortable. So, naturally I chose her as my random bag check for the group. Ran the bag through the x-ray machine and let me tell you she had this giant back pack stuffed as tightly as she could with what only looked like nothing but huge adult toys. I never seen a woman turn as red and as fast as this woman did.
All Horrifying In Different Ways
Lots of loaded fire arms, weapons really. You'd be amazed at how many people try to fly with guns and use the excuse "I didn't know I had one in my bag." Tasers, batons, switchblades, you name it.
Runner up: three sculpted rubber vajayjays/lower torsos with the liquid still on them in Ziploc bags. The guy was bringing them to Hawaii I guess and didn't feel like cleaning them.
Third place is a bag full of cockroaches skittering among regular clothes with crumbs everywhere. The guy kept them as pets.
Cliché To Insane
Finding adult toys was always a bit yuck. Especially if nasty. Owners varied from young adults to old folks. (I don't care what consenting adults do. I still don't like handling their toys.)
Had a bleeding deer head once. Was not allowed into the x-ray.
Nothing like having your gloves start melting while searching a bag.
Found vials of DNA stripper in a bag once. Nice big warnings, "DO NOT INHALE, DO NOT GET ON SKIN, WILL CAUSE CANCER, MAY CAUSE DEATH. Airline loved having to find a disposal company that would come get that stuff.
Rotten meat on occasion.
I make my own soap and like to take it with me on vacations because I generally dont like hotel soap. However, it is a problem when I fly. My homemade soap has gotten flagged by the chemical sensors in TSA check points three times and they always have to tear my bag apart as a rest. It's just a basic fat and lye soap some fragrance added, but on 3 separate occasions now their machines have flagged it as a bomb. When they open it up to find a block of handmade soap, the officers inevitably look at me weird while I explain that I'm just a dude who likes to make his own lavender and lemongrass scented soap.
Not really weird, but a guy came through with legit gold bars. He mentioned they had been in his family for a very long time. They were completely black on the X-ray, and he asked for a private screening I was the one who checked out the bag. I don't remember how much they were, but it was kinda cool since I'd never seen real solid gold bars before. In the 4 years I was TSA, I never once found a gun.
On border patrol someone had like cured snakes in juice in mason jars. They made it weird and gross enough so officers wouldn't further inspect. Turns out there was lots of heroin stuffed in them.
We're Used To It
We have this tradition of giving a bag of dirty gifts to family members at their wedding. We make them open it at the reception in front of aunts, grandmas, and everyone. It will usually contain some sort of adult toys, his and hers edible underwear, flavored lubes or massage oils, novelty size Kama Sutra, fuzzy sex game dice. Stuff like that.
My younger brother did a destination wedding and were flying straight from there to Thailand for their honeymoon. As far as I know they filled one of their suitcases with all the goodies. So they had to go through international airports with all that.
My mother was flying to visit my sister in another state. TSA took my moms bag out of the x-ray machine. He was shaking as he opened my mothers bag. I thought he was going to pass out. The agent asked her if she knew there were chopped up baby parts in her luggage. My mother smiled sweetly and said "Yes. why do you ask?" An alarm must have been set off because there were now a dozen airport police surrounding her, and looking at the fleshy limbs. At the time, she was making life sized, anatomically correct baby dolls. My sister was going to help her assemble them. TSA was not amused.
Chrissy Teigen Just Tried To Take Gravy Through Airport Security—And We All Learned A Valuable Lesson
Cookbook author Chrissy Teigen and judge of NBC's Bring the Funny served up some giggles this week while going through airport security.
The Transportation Security Administration has strict rules when it comes to allowable food items, and keeping track of what can or can't be packed in a carry-on is daunting for the casual jet setter.
So what about gravy?
The 33-year-old model wondered if airport security would give a thumbs up for her cold gravy to travel with her.
While filming her traveling companion tilting the Tupperware with the substance in question, Teigen asked:
"Is it a liquid? Or is it a gel? Or is it gravy in a solid form?"
let’s play “is cold gravy tsa approved” https://t.co/ykxh0pJ1l6— christine teigen (@christine teigen) 1561483323.0
Her followers were concerned about why she was smuggling a whole container of the good stuff.
@chrissyteigen IDK, but why do you have that much cold gravy?— becca (@becca) 1561483492.0
@notrachel @chrissyteigen For the turkey she has in her purse. DUH!— Tara Hunter, MNM 🏊🏾♀️🚴🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️ (@Tara Hunter, MNM 🏊🏾♀️🚴🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️) 1561483643.0
One suggested she dump the contents into a diaper to ensure safe passage.
@chrissyteigen Just store it in a diaper. They won't dare touch it.— Tom Megginson⚡️adperson (@Tom Megginson⚡️adperson) 1561483372.0
Twitter contestants weighed in based on past experiences or word on the street.
@chrissyteigen They made me dump my $15 jar or white chocolate peanut butter I was trying to bring home from Hawaii… https://t.co/7kVnUVWJsL— Gina (@Gina) 1561484046.0
@chrissyteigen I hear that if you FREEZE queso you can bring it through security. Not that I tried to bring back… https://t.co/3rQhbg6KgV— Ashleigh (@Ashleigh) 1561483484.0
@chrissyteigen I had a solid as hell fig jam from the Italian market in Philly and the bastards jacked me for it. I… https://t.co/Mw6ZlJ3dPM— washed feeling (@washed feeling) 1561485115.0
Did the gloopy sauce make it on board?
Over 36,000 people responded to Teigen's online poll and a good majority voted, "Yes! It wasn't a liquid."
Permission was contingent upon one thing, and it's a bit of a mush.
results: cold gravy IS allowed if you mix it with mashed potatoes https://t.co/HKJGdl9CFq— christine teigen (@christine teigen) 1561484009.0
I guess I forgot to tell you about the potatoes— christine teigen (@christine teigen) 1561484141.0
@chrissyteigen Definitely not a time to say "these are some bomb mashed potatoes and gravy."— DanDan The Elephant (@DanDan The Elephant) 1561484118.0
@chrissyteigen I’m so glad the TSA has finally solved terrorism.— Shelby Petersen (@Shelby Petersen) 1561484158.0
@chrissyteigen that's why it's called the gravy train not the gravy plane, Teigen— Scoop K (@Scoop K) 1561484206.0
Here's a tip for those traveling with their own nosh.
TSA spokeswoman Jenny Burke told USA Today:
"The general rule of thumb is that if you can spill it, spread it, spray it, pump it or pour it, then it should go into a checked bag. Liquids in carry-on bags must follow the 3-1-1 liquids rule."
The TSA's website says gravy is allowed as long as it's less than 3.4 ounces, but Burke added that the ultimate decision rests on the TSA officer on whether or not food items can pass through the checkpoint.
Just pass the gravy, please.