I still love a good, subtle... "Bless Your Heart!"
Drive On
sick way GIFGiphy"During heavy fog, I was driving extra cautiously. My passenger looked at me and said:"
"'There's a funeral home out there somewhere looking for you to be their hearse driver.'"
Back2Bach
Roll Down
"Student asked me, during sex Ed, about the bar code that printed near the base of every condom. I said I didn’t know that condoms had barcodes like that. He smiled and said, 'Oh, you don’t gotta roll yours down that far, huh.' I laughed and told him that was one of the funniest things a student ever said."
this_name_is_banned
Scrambled
"My step-sister can be kind of an airhead. On Christmas one year, her dad gave her something that required her to set the day and time. She asked him what day it was. Her dad just laughed and said 'oh honey, you could hide your own easter eggs.'"
Celesticle
"Sounds like a burn on people with ADHD. My apartment is filled with surprises I accidentally hide from my as elf."
Flyingwheelbarrow
God Draws
"Overheard 'I might be fat but you look like something God drew with his left hand.' I still giggle when I think about it."
forevertwoc
"Speaking as a lefty that can't really draw and isn't really artistic, this kinda stings."
PitBullFan
"Well there's the whole 'The Right Hand of God' thing. So I guess some have taken that literally"
shewy92
LOL
Season 1 Lol GIF by NBCGiphy"I don't know why but my friend called me a dense liquid once and it was hilarious to me."
maybe_spoopy
Some of you are savage AF. And I am living....
Let it Dry
construction GIFGiphy"It was a rainy day, I was at a construction site for labor work, I had nothing to do so I was just standing there next looking at the dirt mounds around the site. Some fella walks pass me and says 'what’s your job, watching dirt dry?' Cheeky."
Ike_The_Sir
I See You
“'You look like someone who enjoys pro wrestling.' At the time, they were absolutely right."
sanibelle98
"It's one of those things where yes, a lot of it is stupid bullsh*t, but one can appreciate the better stories they've told (Undertaker being a good example), and the olympic skill it takes to be 7' and 300lbs while managing to do acrobatic flips and NOT hurt anyone. It's genuinely impressive."
Bacxaber
"As someone in the pro wrestling business, never be ashamed of being a pro wrestling fan."
MaskMan193
So Pretty
"My great grandma used to say you can’t be pretty and smart on the same day. When one of us would do something dumb, she would pat us on the shoulder and say 'you look so pretty today' and usually the person would take it as a compliment from Gran and not realize until later."
SneezyMcBeezy
Shout
"My mom ‘shouted’ at my brother in the kitchen to go get his laundry cause it was sitting in the dryer getting wrinkled and he replied without hesitation 'yeah well you’re sitting on the couch getting wrinkled so.' It didn’t go well lmao."
DarkWing2274
"Nah, unlike my father my mom isn’t violent. she just said 'this is why amber left you.'"
"Amber was my brother’s girlfriend of 5 years, and on the night he was gonna propose he found out she’d been cheating on him for 3 years with like 8 different people. amber sucked anyway, i didn’t like her, so i’m kinda glad but he’s still depressed about it."
DarkWing2274
Cheap
Drunk Happy Hour GIFGiphyI asked a bartender 'What’s cheap and has a lot of alcohol in it?' And he said 'You.'"
NickyAndretina
The Triangle
"When my son was three, I made him really angry by making him put away his toys and get ready for bed. He WANTED to cuss me, but he lacked the vocabulary, so he dug down deep into his pissed off wee soul, looked me dead in the eye and came out with 'Mommy, you NOT nice! YOU A TRIANGLE!'"
"I have no idea how triangles came to represent all that was not nice in his world. I have no idea if he meant some other word. I just know that his meaning and intent were crystal clear and that if he had known the word 'heifer' or 'witch,' that is what he would have said! He’s 19 now, and I’ve asked him about it, but he has no recollection of the TRIANGLE incident."
geekchicdemdownsouth
Hooked
"Last time I seen a mouth like that it had a hook in it. I laughed my a** off at that one and we became friends afterwards. In his defense, I was drunk and running my mouth. Lesson learned."
Thephilosopherkmh
"Oh gosh, this was my brothers favorite insult."
Illustrious-Fly9586
Flush It
"Your gene pool could use a little more chlorine."
Brileyt764
"'Am I overthinking this or is that really dark?'"
"In a similar vein: I had a flatmate who walked past and said he heard my mum wishes she aborted me in the 2nd trimester."
SuspiciousNoisySubs
That Girl
Fun Yes GIF by Lilly SinghGiphy"Girl at work after telling me a story about her weekend said 'I hope you don’t think any less of me.' My response 'How could I think any less of you?' I mean, how can you pass up a straight line like that! She missed it as an insult, so she didn't get mad."
OrangeJueleus
Weirdo
"At my old job, someone said to me, 'Oh, you aren't being weird on purpose.' It came after a few times of her ragging on me for reasons I hadn't understood prior to this. This comment wasn't the insult but it explained several of the previous things she'd said that bothered me."
DaddyOhMy
Slowdown
"'You eat like we have free health insurance.'"
Spadeuni
Fool
"'You aren't the dumbest person in the world but you better hope they don't die.'"
waitwhatnow4
“'Well then I wish you good health.'”
Blastspark01
What Size?
Okaay What GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"As a very small-chested woman, I was working the door at a gay club in the late nineties. I was checking a drag queen's ID and was told, 'Girl, you gotta buy yourself some boobies.' Didn't have an answer for that, lol."
Kurapica147
Heavy Comedy
"I was 9 months pregnant with my first child and felt super heavy and uncomfortable. We went to the movies with friends and I had to go to the restroom before the movie started. When I got back to the theater, I couldn’t find my husband and friends (didn’t know where they were sitting yet)"
"So I waddled down to the front of the theater in my quest to find them and stood in front of the screen for a couple minutes while I was trying to get my bearings. When I finally approached them, my male friend said, 'Wow, for a second there, I thought we were watching. Alfred Hitchcock presents!'”
"Normally a fat joke while pregnant would’ve pissed me off, but it was hilarious!! I still laugh when thinking about it."
NancyDrew1932
I have a whole new list of shade to share. Thank you.
