Women Who Dated Someone They Thought 'I Can Fix Him' Explain What Happened
"Reddit user rest_in_war asked: 'Women who said "I can fix him", what happened?'"
"I can fix them."
That is one of life's most dangerous sentences.
Love is going to turn out how it turns out.
We can help a significant other.
We can support them.
We can even guide them through the journey.
But fixing someone is not an option.
You can only fix oneself.
Plus, why would you want to fix someone?
Shouldn't we be interested in one another as we are?
Fixing someone implies that they're broken in a way you don't approve of.
That's not a great way to nurture love.
Redditor rest_in_war wanted to hear from the ladies out there about the guys they tried to change, so they asked:
"Women who said 'I can fix him,' what happened?"
If they need fixing, send them to a mechanic. (Therapist)
But don't wait around for the bill.
Moving On
Seth Meyers Lol GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers Giphy"With his newfound self-esteem, he left me for someone better."
CertainProgram8782
Over & Over
"Well, I failed at fixing him but learned a lot about myself in the process. I have no hate for him- if anything I hope every day he does the work to fix himself because I saw the potential and I did care for him once. I hate to think that he’ll just continue life repeating the same patterns over and over."
"I can say for myself, yes there was some damage done for sure! But I’ve never been the type to linger in my hurt. So, I learned a lot about myself, good and bad, and I’ve chosen to let the hurt go that he caused me and work on me. It’s been rocky here and there if I’m being honest- but if I could put that much effort and time into trying to fix someone else, why would I not do the same for myself?!?"
oreosaregarbage
Worse by the Day
"I didn't and he got crazier. No idea what has happened to him now and I don't care."
Comfortable-Ear-9186
Utterly Broken
"Well, my grandma said 'I can fix him,' ended up pregnant and alone. My mother never had a relationship with her biological dad (luckily my grandma met my grandad who then raised my mom). My mom said 'I can fix him,' and ended up alone with a baby. Was a single mom for 15 years. Luckily she's now married to my stepdad who's a great man."
"I said 'I can fix him' and tried my best and wasted 4 years of my youth. LUCKILY I didn't have kids with him, but he wanted to. I came out the other side utterly broken and it took quite a few years to repair myself. My self-confidence is still nonexistent, even though I've been married to a great man for 15 years."
"So, one word of advice; don't."
NamillaDK
Poison Spreads
"Ended up broken too."
ramonapap1
"Reminds me of that tweet that goes something like, 'I convinced my therapist to confront her husband about not liking her tweets. She may not be able to fix me, but at least I can make us both worse.'"
RilohKeen
A plan like this can only lead to self-harm.
We deserve more.
For the Better
Valentines Day Love GIF by Boomerang Official Giphy"I was the one who was fixed. My husband helped me work through my trauma and got me into therapy after we got married. I learned to take accountability for my actions and became much more honest with him. when we got together, I was absolutely aimless, but now I have a genuine plan for my future and I'm so excited to work hard with him in creating a comfortable and happy life together.
"I have always wanted to change for the better and wanted more for my life but he was certainly the push I needed to get there. He's been such a fantastic influence on me and I can never thank him enough for being my rock; I can only hope to repay him for everything he's done for me."
jwannnnn
Clean it Up
"I actually did 'fix him' while we were together- cleaned up (haircuts and regular shaving, clothes that actually fit, etc) and got him a job. The week after I helped him get his own apartment he cheated on me. He almost immediately reverted to how he was before, last I saw he was back to baggy pants and homeless man hair/facial hair. Lost his job and apartment and the girl left him... lol."
Interesting_Worth570
Closed Off
"Well, I am completely emotionally unavailable, and I no longer wish to give people my heart like that again."
NocturnalNess
"I know how you feel because I’ve been in that boat before. Please, when the right person comes along, do not be afraid to open up again. Those scars will ruin future relationships if you don’t let them heal. And all that’s obviously to say is let yourself be ready and don’t rush it. It gets better."
Merkaba_987
Back to my country...
"I was the one who was fixed."
"I met an exchange student when I was 19, and dropped out of college (was failing anyway) to follow her to her country. After about a year there, I was so head over heels in love I was sure I’d marry her. There was no way I was going to be a good husband with no job prospects, not knowing her language, etc."
"I went back to my country to get a menial job in a factory, get myself back into school, study her language, make something of myself. Whereas I was failing out of college when I left, I ended up getting a 4.0 when I went back."
"She flew to see me a few times and the last time broke up with me. I was devastated. But the fire had already been lit and I feel I’ve been quite successful in life over the last 25 years, and I am so thankful for her influence."
ThicccNhatHanh
Getting Wild
Lets Go Reaction GIF by Mason Ramsey Giphy"He left me because the grass was greener. I built him up so much that he was sure he could do better and go out to 'sow his wild oats.' 10 years later and he's close to 40 still living at home and hasn't had a girlfriend since."
happyele
What have we learned?
We can only fix ourselves.
And it's ok that love doesn't always conquer all.
Let's face it, when emotions are running high and something important is at stake, we're bound to make mistakes and either say or do the wrong thing.
This might even be especially true of parents.
But even if our angriest and most vulnerable moments, there are things we should never, ever say to a child.
Redditor son_of_x asked:
"What are things parents should never say to their children?"
Exposure Therapy
"Don’t make your kids do the things you’re afraid to face."
"When I was a kid, my mom dumped all that s**t on me. Rent was late? I had to face the landlord. She’d try to convince me it was a fun game, like see how fast you can run to his door, drop a check in the mail slot, and run back to the car."
"Even at ten years old, I knew it wasn’t a d**n game. All she was doing was transferring her anxiety directly to me."
"Be honest with your kid about the s**tty situations you might be in, but don’t make them carry the weight in your place."
- Ineedyoursway
They're to Blame
"NEVER tell a child that the divorce is their fault."
- ashabranch
"I remember back when I was like 10, my mom didn’t take me to school one morning because she was upset that the clothes in my dresser weren’t folded."
"My dad had to take me to school instead. And on the way there, he yelled, 'You’re tearing this family apart!’"
"I’m like... Bro, if unfolded clothes in a dresser are what tears this family apart, then you all have other sh*t to be concerned about."
- _mike_hunt
Life: Ruined
"'Having you ruined my life,' is the worst I ever heard."
- Tough_Stretch
No Accountability
"'I don't remember that, that never happened!' when a kid brings up a past trauma."
- dafrstofus
"My MIL (Mother-in-Law) [96] is the healthiest human I know with the caveat that she has the usual ailments that affect old arteries, etc. She has three sons, my Dear Husband (70), a slightly older, quasi-celebrity brother, and a younger brother. They work like animals. They can’t help it, although they should try."
"Every single time my husband brings up a childhood memory, my MIL rebuffs it by saying the incident he’s recalling never happened. No one’s allowed to have a memory but her."
"It drives my husband (and me) up a wall. We live fairly close to her, but he struggles so much with spending time with her because of this."
"She just tells him, 'That’s not true.' Instead of embracing what he and they remember, she shuts them down."
- l31l4j4d3
Controlling Diet
"My mom stuck me on this super restrictive diet when I was 11. The entire diet was the whole reason I struggled with eating disorders in my childhood."
"I brought it up in therapy at 17 and at first, she claimed it never happened. Then she remembered talking to doctors about my weight, then googling diets for children, and then putting me on a diet sounded like something she would've done... but it still didn't happen."
"Gotta love her. But, to be honest, I can't even say I love my mom."
"I was the neglected child as she had four other kids, and I'm the middle one. After some point, I stopped wanting my mom's approval for anything."
"I actually had my therapist ask me what a good mother-daughter relationship would look like to me if we were to ever get close, and I honestly couldn't answer."
"It's weird to think that the one thing I wanted my entire childhood, I don't want now. At least not with my biological mother."
"My boyfriend's mom, on the other hand, is amazing, and I love the mother-daughter-like relationship we have. I'm still in awe that I even found a family that loves me as if I were their biological kid."
- pumpkinthighs
Whose Opinion?
"Your opinion doesn’t matter."
"That one still haunts me and is the reason I never speak up."
- TapReasonable2678
Foster Care Warnings
"Threaten to send them to live in foster care if they don't do what the parent wants. My mother used to use that threat if she saw me picking my nose. I didn't realize how f**ked up that was until I was an adult."
- adeon
"I remember my mom doing this. That I need to just stay in my room and be quiet, or she'd send me away. F**ked me up, man. I was probably around six."
- Substantial_Part_952
Body-Shaming
"This is kind of a low bar as far as bad things my parents did goes (they also hit us for far dumber reasons than not eating our food)."
"When I was a kid, my parents were very controlling. Now, that meant, among other things, that they didn't let me go outside, for fear that neighbor kids would wander by and I'd hear things that went against my parents' ideologies. It also meant that they controlled exactly what and how much I ate. As in, if I didn't want to clean my plate, I was beaten."
"Well, I was also a fat kid, and given how much control I had over both my food intake and the exercise I could do (since I couldn't go outside), I didn't have much say in the matter."
"My parents gave me so much s**t about it over the years, though. Like, even if you were allowed to have some agency in your life, you shouldn't get that kind of s**t. It was pretty miserable."
"Anyway, when I went away to college, I was finally on my own, and I took charge of that. Everybody was warning me about the freshman 15, but I was looking at my intake. That's not great of course, but I lost a couple of pounds. Not even that much."
"And then I went back home for winter break, and my parents were all, 'Oh, you're too thin, you need to eat more,' and I was like, 'No, I'm good, thanks.' At one point, my dad said, 'Eat more or I'm kicking you out of my house.'"
"And so I gained that weight back over the break, and by the end, they were back to giving me s**t about it."
"So, I dunno. Maybe don't be such a d**k about your kid's weight. Certainly not with demands and expectations that oscillate between two extremes like they did."
- Aperture_T
Mind Games
"'Until you start paying bills, you have no rights, so you’re d**n right I’m coming into your room whenever I feel like it, and I can take anything I want from it, too, because it’s actually mine.'"
"'You’re too stupid and lazy to be able to make it in the real world. And if someone ever did hire you, they’d fire you as soon as they realized what a mistake they’d made.'"
"'You have no idea how much you cost me. I could do X, Y, or Z things if I didn’t always have to pay for your crap.'"
"'We’re free thinkers in this house,' but then rages when I express a thought/opinion that’s different than theirs."
"'You’re just a kid, what do you have to be depressed about?' or 'You have nothing to be depressed about.'"
"After I told a doctor how I was actually feeling, they said, 'You can’t be that stressed, you’re just a kid! Are you trying to make me look like a bad parent?!'"
"Yes, I’m in therapy now."
- Ki-Larah
Useless
"Don't tell kids they're useless. The variant I used to get from Dad was posed as a question, 'Are you good for ANYTHING?!'"
" I mean, how was eight-year-old me supposed to answer that?"
"High school valedictorian, graduated from one of the US services academies, have a good, steady career, and live 2000 miles from where I grew up (wonder why?). But I was more into reading than outdoor sports, hunting, or working in our garden all summer, so not 'manly' enough for him at the time."
"It took until my mid-50s before we became close, and he passed away two months ago. Lots of wasted time."
- JEFFinSoCal
Intentional Provocation
"My dad antagonizing me purposely and then saying, 'dOn'T bE sO sEnSiTiVe,' when I get upset about the s**t he says."
- LianOLis
An Important Reminder
"Moms, stop criticizing your body in front of your daughters!!"
- buceethevampslayer
"Seriously! My mother would say that she hated her body and that we looked 'so alike' in the same breath, it was very damaging."
- 97ratsinatrenchcoat
Comparison Culture
"Comparing them to others, talking about their weight, focusing on the negatives or their wrongdoings, constantly dismissing them, unwilling to hear their opinions because of the 'I'm right, you're wrong' mentality."
"There's so much."
- The_gentle_one
Confusing Lessons
"Always punishing and complaining about what you shouldn't do, but never saying or rewarding what you should."
- RoDeltaR
The Perfect Rebuttal
"'I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it,' was my mom's favorite."
- belle254
"What I wish I would have said back: 'No, you can't. You'd be arrested, and the world would view you as a monster and a psychopath.'"
- Narren_C
While parenting carries with it a lot of demands, there are certain things that absolutely should not be done, including statements that should never be uttered.
It's clear the damaging impact they have when they are used. Avoid them at all cost.
People Divulge The Best Thing They've Done For Their Mental Health During A Dark Period
CW: Depression.
We all find ourselves hitting a rough patch every now and then.
Sometimes finding ourselves getting into extremely dark places.
As a result, raising the edges of our mouths to form a smile takes what feels like insurmountable effort, or finding the motivation to stand up and get out of bed seems utterly impossible.
Until that is, we find something which can get us out of our funk.
Nothing particularly noteworthy, but just a simple, even everyday thing, which is all it takes to make smiling suddenly seem like less of a burden.
"During a very dark period, what was the best thing you ever did for your mental health?"
Keep Your Mind And Body Active
"Get outside as much as possible."
"Open all blinds and curtains during the day."
"Rather than watching show/movies, try to work out or do something physical."
"Do puzzles."
"Can be regular puzzles, crossword, etc."
"Keep your mind active."- jimmyjammy33
Just Cut Yourself Some Slack
"Stopped shaming myself for having a hard time."
"Easier said than done, for sure, but it turns out that guilt and shame is a terrible motivator."
"Instead, try to focus on caring for yourself."
"Instead of saying, 'Wow. I’m such a failure because I haven’t brushed my teeth since Friday'.”
"Say, 'I deserve to have clean teeth. I’m going to give myself the gift of clean teeth and enjoy that feeling'.”
"Also, whatever it takes to make those tasks easier is totally allowed."
"If it is easier to take a shower if you are sitting, sit."
"If you have an easier time brushing your teeth while sitting on the couch watching a movie, do that."
"If doing all the dishes is just way too overwhelming, just do the bowl and spoon you need to warm up some soup for dinner."
"You deserve to eat, wear clean clothes, be clean, and have a space that is comfortable to you, but you aren’t a failure if you are having a hard time getting yourself those things."
"Be gentle with yourself."
"Also, get a sunshine light."- kivawi8171
Get The Help You Need
"Went to inpatient detox and got sober."
"Over 5 years off the booze now!"- ludwigtattoo
Cut The Chord Every Now And Then
"Going on walks and staying away from social media."- yuliqmdiq
Don't Be Afraid To Reach Out
"I made myself reach to friends and eventually found a new and rewarding friend group."
"This was following a pretty nasty breakup so I think connecting with people in a healthy way really helped reestablished my ability to trust others."- octupleunderscore
Take Care Of Yourself
"Started regularly exercising."
"The gym became my safe place where I could turn off my destructive thoughts for a bit and making exercise a habit greatly boosted my sense of self-worth."- ReadMyNameAgain
Know Your Self-Worth
"Quit my job."
"As soon as I put in my notice I started feeling better."- Optic-Rock
Find A Companion
"I got a one-eyed cat named Spoon."
"He's my best friend."- United_Restaurant138
A Change Of Scene
"I went on a weekend retreat all by myself."
"Reset my biological clock, ate when I was hungry, slept when I was tired, showered as long as I wanted, pleasured myself, painted my nails, did art, took a hike, just breathed."- slamminhottiepotato
Head Out On The Highway...
"Motorcycling."
"I’d always heard it was this panacea for mental health but I didn’t put much stock in it."
"Like I knew it was good, but I’d just split from my fiancée and lost my home and was back in my parents spare room, there was no band-aid big enough."
"My dad let me have a little run around a back road on his triumph and it was like religious experience."
"My dads had countless bikes and I’ve always grown up around them."
"I’d always wanted to ride but I’d made a promise to my fiancée that I wouldn’t take it up and I agreed it was just too dangerous and I had too much to lose especially as we were trying to start a family."
"After all I now had nothing to lose."
'On warm sunny days I’d point my bike towards the middle of nowhere and just ride."
"Your mind goes blank, you feel like the main character in your story, you feel the wind as it washes all the warms smells of forest and fields over you."
"For the time you mount up to the time you get off, everything is okay, and no bad thoughts can reach you."- Thursday_the_20th
Enjoy All That Life Has To Offer
"Sobriety, trying new inexpensive hobbies, keeping my space clean and organized, reaching out to friends making concrete plans to hang out and sticking to said plans, walking my dog more."
"Speaking of my dog, if I'm having a bad day, I try to make her day extra special."
"Car ride, walks in new environments, taking her somewhere to swim, lunch of people food but dog friendly, then end the day with a nice warm bath."
"My mood usually instantly improves as soon as we get into the car and only gets better as we go through her special day."
"Win/win."- AcanthisittaLost9508
Some Days WillBe Better THan Others
"Learned to accept that life moves like ocean waves."
"Some days are up,..some are down."
"Be patient, give it a chance."
"The tide always turns eventually."- skaote
We're all bound to have a hard day every now and then.
But no matter how inconsolable we may feel, happiness is always within our grasp.
Sometimes in the most surprising and unlikely of places.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
It's hard to imagine for someone who didn't live it, but not everyone grew up with a kind and loving childhood home.
So much so, Redditors were able to fill a whole Reddit thread with examples of bad parenting, some of which are startling.
Redditor FiForYourAttention asked:
"What screams 'I'm a bad parent'?"
Confidentiality Who?
"I don't know if this really screams it, but I absolutely hate when adults tell other adults their children’s shameful secrets for no reason. Even strangers! It tells me those children probably don’t feel like they can trust their parents."
- 50637
Trust Issues
"I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me during my senior year of high school. I called my mom sobbing, and the next day I found out she told her two best friends and multiple teacher friends of hers. I also found out she and my older sister were laughing about it with each other."
"I never tell her anything anymore. At least anything important."
- Training-Ad171
What Kid?
"Zero interest in the kid. Doesn’t care what they do or what happens to them as long as they don’t inconvenience them."
- JustinChristoph
Lack of Accountability
"Never saying sorry to the kid when the parents make a mistake."
- SuvenPan
Break into Teams
"Triangulation. After the divorce, one of our parents immediately weaponized our relationship against the other. I’m 32 and still unweaving all of the details in my brain."
- BugzFromZpace
Breaking Decibels
"My mother used to get up in my face and yell at me for trivial things. She would also spit on me while yelling."
"Yelling at a kid is traumatic for the kid. Don’t do it. There are better ways to communicate than yelling."
- rainbowblack79
Physically Abusive
"I volunteer at and have had student placements at a children’s hospital and we’ve had patients with serious brain injuries due to abuse (shaking, attempted drowning, etc.). So yeah I’d say those parents are pretty bad."
- Tapestry-of-Life
Desiring Fear
"Your own children being afraid of you, no child should be afraid of the person that looks after them nearly 24/7."
"I really don't think it clicks till adolescence either when you look back and realize that you really were terrified of your father 24/7 as a child."
"Or it's weird when you realize that not all children hate their fathers."
- LimitlessTVShows
The Blame Game
"Blaming your own mistakes and regrets on your kids."
"Or living vicariously through your children because of your own mistakes and regrets."
- LilKaySigs
Broken Record
"Saying the same things over and over again like, 'You're such a disappointment' and 'I wish I had a daughter instead' and 'You ruined my and you're mother's sex life.' This is stuff I heard for years."
- FERRARI308GTSI
Disregarding Mental Health
"Saying 'You're too young to be depressed' and ignoring red flags from mental illnesses."
- EclecticMermaid
Invalidation Tactics
"Invalidating your child's feelings, struggles, and/or mental illness in favor of 'you don't know what struggling really is' or some form of 'back in my day' or 'you kids are so weak.'"
"You have just robbed your child of support, told them their feelings do not matter and informed them that you are not a safe person to confide in."
- Acetamnophen
Punishing Adult Children
"Punishing adult children when they don't do everything you say by silent treatment or nasty texts... and days later acting like nothing happened and saying , 'You never let go of things.'"
- kabive2044
Never Going Home Again
"Your kids never visiting once they move out or go to college."
- ashton_yaste123
Hindsight 0/20
"Ironically, never thinking you're a bad parent."
- RandomHeretic
These examples will bring back dark memories for some.
Hopefully there will be another Reddit post where people describe what positive parenting looks like.
Therapy is something we all should have access to.
It's just talking and listening.
But really talking and being listened to.
Therapy has saved so many lives.
There is always something to learn about why we are the way we are.
And that can change the course of everything.
Redditor RIPMexicanTraore was hoping people would be willing to share their 'best of' going to therapy wisdoms. So they asked everyone:
"What is the best thing you have heard/learned from therapy?"
In therapy... I learned I need more therapy.
Who Cares?
Eddie Murphy Whatever GIF by Coming to AmericaGiphy"People aren't nearly as concerned about everything I'm doing as I think they are. They're busy enough being self conscious about their own behaviors."
badatwinning
The Letdown
"When you place unexpressed expectations on someone, YOU are the one setting yourself up to be let down."
ksozay
"It’s not so much about low expectations as it is communicating your expectations."
"Let’s say it’s your first birthday as a couple. You expect your partner to plan a nice romantic getaway with just the 2 of you, and instead they plan a huge surprise party."
"You hate birthday parties, but since you never communicated that to them, they had no idea. So now you are stressed about all the attention, and they are disappointed that all their hard work is unappreciated. You can have high expectations for people, you just need to know that they aren’t mind readers."
Lahmmom
Mirror Image
"No one sees the version of you that you see of yourself."
Back2Bach
"I remember learning about this really neat thought experiment."
"First, think about the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you. Don't think too long or hard, just come up with something."
"Now, think of a close person in your life and imagine the most embarrassing thing that's happened to them."
"The second one takes a lot longer. We all think about ourselves - and critique ourselves - way more than we do to others."
making_mischief
Oh maaaaan...
"The brain isn't designed to keep us happy. It's designed to keep us alive."
angels_exist_666
"We're social creatures. We remember the embarrassing weird crap we've done better than our moments of glory so we can avoid doing that in the future in order to be more socially acceptable."
"I remember some embarrassing crap I did in first grade more than I remember some wonderful moments of this year."
Phayzon
"I still remember getting in the wrong bus in kindergarten and crying for a half hour thinking I'd never see my home again while the driver sorted everything out. Oh maaaaan."
tinyhorsesinmytea
Control Issues
GIF by VevoGiphy"Sometimes, when we procrastinate, it's because we need to feel control, even when the only thing we can control is choosing not to do something - even when it contributes to making our situation worse. Took me years to come to terms with that one."
jacobsadder
Control is an issue for everyone. We gotta loosen up.
Voices
Confused In My Head GIF by GraduationGiphy"Your internal monologue isn’t always reliable, especially when you are anxious or depressed."
BrideOfFirkenstein
Easy
"The fact that you are high functioning doesn't mean that your illness is easier for you to deal with, it means it's easier for others to deal with."
azulsonador0309
"I never thought about it that way."
"I always took some pride in the fact that I always remained as productive as possible no matter. I pretty much have an addiction to productivity because it distracts me from what I feel inside. I chase achievement, I chase greatness, I chase success because I feel it justifies the suffering of being alive."
"And that’s why I’ve been melting down these past few days. I’m at a point where years of hard work going unrewarded and years of almost unhealthily convincing myself to fight and move forward have finally broken me. I’m trying to tell myself to fight. I want to live a life where everyday is not a war for me, but I realize how far fetched it is."
Prudent-Ad-3482
Default Settings
"We seek what is familiar to us, even if it’s really unhealthy. There is a comfort in familiarity because it’s what we know/learned how to deal with."
GPQ70
"When stressed we go to our default setting. No matter how destructive that setting is we will FIGHT to get there."
"This was one of the hardest things for me. Because there is no way to know if you've reset your setting until you're stressed/uncomfortable. And if you find out you haven't its such a blow to your confidence. And the gains you thought you had made you now question."
Thats_what_im_saiyan
The Boogeyman
"When I start the negative self-talk, I was told to pretend I am talking to my wonderful and sweet 5yo little boy. I could never say the sh*t I say to myself to my son. The therapist told me to envision someone telling my boy what I say to myself and how would I react. It was eye-opening as to how we are our own worst boogeyman."
CaptainCacoethes
Changes
the office therapy GIFGiphy"Remember that change is inevitable. Nothing ever stays the same. The only constant in life is change."
"Some changes are swift and brutal for example bereavement. Others are more subtle like the changing seasons. So with this in mind I've always loved Arnold Bennett's quote... That any change, even a change for the better is always accompanied with setbacks and discomfort."
reiveroftheborder
Therapy is key. We all need it ad all we have to do is ask for help.