You've probably had someone tell you "f*ck you" or to "go f*ck yourself" at least once or twice or ten times throughout your life and if you haven't, have you even lived?
But what do you say when you want to be smart and witty and want to shut someone down while you're at it?
After all, you can't just stand there, you probably should have a response lined up.
(Disclaimer: Know when to walk away, seriously.)
People shared their best suggestions with us after Redditor Bluephoenix681 asked the online community:
"What's the best response to 'f*ck you?'"
Clever.
"‘You want to what?’ Hopefully then the reply is another f*ck you."
divinetrackies
Hopefully – and when it does happen you must feel so powerful!
You could say this:
"In this economy?"
Trytek1986
I felt this in my soul.
The rent is too damn high.
Or this!
"Don’t threaten me with a good time."
Austintk
Who's to say it'd even be a good time, huh?
Ouch.
"Tell your mom to top up the cell phone she bought me so I can FaceTime her late night!"
catch10100
But then what do you say if they remark that their mom died?
The Welsh appreciate this joke.
"You'd never be satisfied with a sheep again."
citsonga_cixelsyd
Paging the Welsh – you must have a response to this joke.
You must.
Self deprecation.
"You wouldn't like it I just lay there."
Drongo11
Ummm... you might want to work on that, in that case.
How polite!
"Thank you."
Select_Coyote7644
Kill them with kindness.
They won't know what hit them.
Burn.
"You aren’t my type.”
Ape28Comoco
This is an excellent way to stop someone in their tracks.
This works, too.
"My go to response to statements like this is “I will try anything 4 times." Mainly causes confusion at first but tends to make people laugh."
juniorohio
Four times?
That's quite specific.
There's a story here, isn't there?
That's quite the claim.
"You’d never go back to women."
rogerofdale
I'm okay in this regard but thanks!
Next time someone tells you to go f*ck yourself, you'll be prepared, won't you?
Or just throw back another f*ck you or some other variation.
It's the most versatile swear word in the English language, after all.
Have some suggestions of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Children might not be as well versed in the art of swearing profusely as your average adult.
But they can throw out a sharp insult with the best of them.
Don't underestimate your kid!
Whether it's creative, bold, or just plain rude, we have to say we appreciate each of these children for everything they've got.
Redditor MeMyselfAndI24 asked the online community:
"What's the best child friendly swear word/insult you've ever heard?"
"One day on the bus..."
"I was a C.I.T at a day camp and there was this young kid with anger issues. He would often get into fights with the other kids and would have frequent temper tantrums when things didn't go his way. One day on the bus he was sitting playing on his gameboy when the kid next to him starts drawing on a piece of paper. The boy with anger problems wanted a piece of paper and the other kid said no multiple times. Things got heated and the kid drawing said shut up. (I know, intense). In which the other kid screamed,"SUCK MY GAMEBOY!" Unsuccessfully tried to hold in my laughter."
"When I was 11..."
"When I was 11, my 8 year old sister and I were in a good natured TP battle with our neighbors a few doors down. One night we were doing the deed, when our 9-year-old neighbor, who was watching with his family, ran outside brandishing a fake cane yelling in a really good impersonation of an old man voice, "get offer mah lawn you bunch of squirrelly cumquats!" I remember skittering home, hearing his mom laughing her head off. I'm pretty sure he made that up himself."
"When I was..."
"When I was 6 years-old, my childhood best friend taught me the phrase, "Get out of my face, Face!"
"It's so stupid, but I still think it to myself sometimes when I'm in a crowded area and people are in my personal bubble."
"One of the little kids..."
"One of the little kids I looked after was extremely mad at me one day. Pretty sure she was offended by my saying no to her. She glared at me, stomped her foot and called me "Mayor Humdinger". For the non familiar Mayor Humdinger is the antagonist on Paw Patrol. I lost it, it was hilarious."
"Was skating with a buddy..."
Giphy"You're an immature nugget!"
"Was skating with a buddy and we passed 2 little kids, one kid called the other an idiot and he promptly shot back with immature nugget. That was well over 10 years ago and that's still our go to insult for each other."
"...and it stung..."
"My niece called me "Walmart face" recently and it stung more than I'd like to admit."
"My nephew once called..."
"My nephew once called my dad a chicken nugget. One of the few times I've seen my dad speechless."
"My coworker told me..."
"My coworker told me that her preschooler learned to say "I'll pray for you," but that it comes out as the most shade throwing side-eyed insult ever."
"When my 4 year old nephew..."
"When my 4 year old nephew is mad at you, he calls you a hot dog booty. It's now part of our vocabulary."
"Always good for a laugh."
"Shut up as a noun. "He's being a shut up!" .... "Don't be such a shut up!" Kids are grown and married now, but sometimes one of them or my wife will still use this stinging epithet on one another. Always good for a laugh."
"I've called my friends..."
"My 11 year old sister has been calling me "bumbo" instead of dumbo for the last few years. Now I call her "bumbo" in situations where it is deserved. I've called my friends "bumbo" when they kill me in Shellshock. They've all now started using "bumbo."
"My friend's little cousin..."
"My friend's little cousin used to say 'Ow Chicken Noodle' every time that she got hurt. It makes me crack up every time we bring it up."
"My uncle once told me..."
"My uncle once told me that he got in trouble for calling his brother a "zonedweeby" and I nearly pissed myself laughing about it when he told me."
"I was in a bad mood..."
"I was in a bad mood and my 3 year old brother asked me, in these exact words, "do you have a guitar string up your butt or something?" I still don't understand where that came from but, hey, I was in a better mood after that."
"I was on a bus..."
"I was on a bus and two random people behind me started an argument and one of them said something in the lines of "I don't even know why I'm trying to explain such simple things to you buddy, pretty sure your mother drinks pasta water."
"I turned back and high fived this guy. Still my hero!"
"My friend's sister..."
"My friend's sister called me a "Stinky Nun" over discord. I don't even remember what I did, she just got close to the mic and then I heard "YoU sTiNkY nUn."
"I was waiting in line..."
"I was waiting in line to use the slide for my buddies pool at his party. His cousin was six at the time and cut in front of me, sat on slide and prepared to descend."
"I asked him playfully, "What gives you the authority to cut, little guy?"
"He responded, "Because sniper rhymes with diaper!" And pushed off, down the slide."
"Can't argue with that logic."
"My three-year-old..."
"My three-year-old recently called my five year old a "meanie weanie tortellini."
We are talking notes on all of these! Sometimes kids can really cut to the bone.
Do you have similar insults to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Go ahead and swear it out; science has finally confirmed that it's good for your health!
Multiple scientists have finally confirmed what some of us already felt, swearing can have quite a few beneficial side effects.
Calm down, sailor, there are some caveats here.
Let's start by taking a look at the work done by researchers at Keele University. Fans of Mythbusters may recognize some of the basics of this study, as something similar was done in a very small scale on the show with surprisingly similar results.
Researchers put test subjects into an ice bath and asked them to stay for as long as they could stand. On average, people made it about a minute and fifteen seconds.
Interestingly, the people who let loose the expletives were able to stand the ice bath for about 50% longer. Swearing made them better able to handle pain.
Turns out this scene in 40-year Old Virgin was scientifically accurate.
Kelly Clarkson!
According to Dr. Richard Stephens, swearing helps trigger your brain to release adrenaline; a chemical well-known for numbing pain as part of your natural fight or flight response.
"Adrenaline is released, the heart pumps faster and we become more enabled to overcome an aggressor or make a swift getaway. Swearing helps many people better tolerate pain."
Neurologist, Dr. Steven Pinker has written a book detailing five different ways that humans use swear words. Interestingly, it's pretty similar regardless of what language you speak or what words you deem as swearing.
Kelly Clarkson! Again!
People swear as a descriptive word:
"I need to take a sh*t."
People swear for emphasis:
"This ice cream is SO f*cking good!"
People swear to abuse others:
"You assh*le!"
People swear as an idiom:
"That was f*cked up."
And finally, the use with all the power, people swear as catharsis:
"Kelly Clarkson!"
Numbing pain isn't the only benefit we get from swearing, though. Dr. Emma Byrne and her colleagues at City University London have found that swearing can be something of a bonding experience.
She's found that groups of people who share the same lexicon of swearing (meaning they swear the same way) work together more effectively, feel closer, and are overall more productive than those who don't.
Those same studies showed that swearing helps relieve stress and can reduce instances of violence. Dr. Byrne has even been able to demonstrate the ways in which swearing has shifted from a negative to being used more in positive situations.
She studied thousands of football fans and their language during games and found that they swear just as much when they are excited or happy as they do when they're frustrated.
This kid's got it down, we're sure of it!
Now remember when we said there was a caveat to all of this?
It turns out the pain-numbing social-bonding happy happy joy joy effects really only work for those who don't swear on a regular basis. Like many things, your body and brain can build up a tolerance to the effects, rendering them all pretty much useless if you're a frequent flyer on "F*ck You" airlines.
So keep the swearing to a minimum, but don't be afraid to let out a good old fashioned "Kelly Clarkson!" when you need one.
It's good for you!
Lawyers and court employees Reveal The Most Ridiculous Things They've Witnessed In Court
Working within the law can be one of the most difficult workplaces in life. Lawyers, judges, bailiffs, court stenographers... they have been witness to some of the craziest society has to offer. Everybody out there has job stories but, the people who show up before a judge might just take the cake. You have to wonder... "do these people actually want to roam free?" Or are they still high?
Redditor Max_Fenig wanted members of the judicial system to regale us with some stories asking... Lawyers, judges and other courtroom workers of Reddit, what is the most ridiculous thing you have seen in court? Pull it together people!