It's Gone!
excited freak out GIFGiphyYelling for his brother then whispering loudly to him "Check to see if I still have my penis... I think they took my penis!" then proceeded to flash the whole room.
Edit: for those asking the procedure was to remove a benign tumor in his cheek (face cheek not butt cheek).
Hey Sexy
Was recovering a patient after surgery who got ketamine which has a known side effect of making you super emotional. When she woke up she started cat calling me telling me how attractive I was. Then she got worked up because she was thirsty so I told her I could get her ice chips. As I am getting her ice chips she starts to go "I hate to see you leave but I love to see you go." As I disappear to get her some ice chips she starts crying real tears that she scared me off and how sorry she was.
"woke up"
I apparently can't handle my anesthesia.
The first time I "woke up" I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to "fight" by Monday. My wife properly translated that to "can he teach his wrestling class."
Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS.
She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS standing in the frozen dairy section holding german chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it "because my people made it".
Car was still running with the passenger door left open.
Its You!
its you beyonce GIFGiphy18-year-old girl "recognized" the (male) anesthesiologist from tinder last week and accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date - while randomly falling half-asleep in between. As we put her back in bed she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men and that she still thinks he's pretty.
Dry your tears....
When I "woke up" I was bawling my eyes out. When I actually came to, I asked why I was crying and everyone laughed at me and told me they had been asking me the same thing for almost an hour, which made me cry even more. We had to return a DVD and my mom stupidly asked me to remember before I went under so I wrote it on my arm.
On the car ride home, I reminded her every 30 seconds or so to take Sahara back and aren't you proud of me for remembering?! I also really wanted Jimmy John's and started crying again when my mom said there was no way I could eat it but that didn't make sense because I didn't need my wisdom teeth to eat. Good times.
Killer
In the early days of my surgical training, there was a day that I was assigned to a colonoscopy list. Standard practice is to pre-medicate patients in the anesthesia bay if required, particularly if they are a bit anxious about the procedure. I was clerking one of the patients in the anesthesia bay going through consent and the usual preop routine when I noticed that she was giving me these weird side-long glances and that her eyes would dart away everytime I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business.
Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm standing behind her; she, curled up into the fetal position with her butt hanging out and I, colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: "You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies."
A moment later she was asleep and I was checking her colon for polyps.
Fancy Dress
I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn't sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown and I say,'if my balls are hanging out. That makes this a ball gown.' Really helped with the tension.
Ya Hear Private?
Independence Day Reaction GIF by Broad CityGiphyAnesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes suddenly jumped upright and sit on the bed and he said something : Sir, yes sir! He was under military service at that time.
Sorry Bud
Not a doctor, but I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist. I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, "Well that's a stupid freakin' reason to become a dentist."
Sorry, Dr. J 😬.
fart wtf GIFShe farted so long and loud the entire 20 bed unit heard her. Then she said "I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache." As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas.
Let me do it....
I'm a doctor and was getting a knee reconstruction, and asked one of my best friend's dad to do my anesthesia. He was head of department at the hospital I worked at at the time.
Apparently after he gave me the Midazolam (to chill time out and basically I forget everything from then on), he inserted a local anesthetic block into my leg.
The next day he told me what happened.
Apparently, I then told him it's not working and he should have done it higher up and over tried to grab the needle from him to show him, after I asked if he knew what he was doing. I also complained the bed was cold.
We still have a good laugh about it.
DAVID!
david rose what GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphyWoman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, "David! That alarm clock has a nose and it's running! Wipe it!"
"What time is it."
The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of burger king breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food. They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10).
The first words out of my mouth were "What time is it." When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30 I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day I promptly burst into tears.
Edit: I did get my burger king a different day. Thank you all for your concern.
"What are you doing?!"
One of the times I had an endoscopy when I was around 10 years old I woke up pretty groggy and naturally with a dry and sore throat. I asked the nurse for water but she said I couldn't have any yet. She left the room so I started climbing over the raised sides of the bed to get some.
She walks back in with me almost at the point of no return (also the point immediately preceding the point of face planting the floor as I was in no state to be balancing or climbing), freaks out screaming "What are you doing?!" So I say something song the lines of 'getting some water' and she relents and goes and gets me some.
A Vegetable State
When I was a toddler, my mom fell off our roof and broke her back. Apparently she was terrified she was going to become a vegetable, because after her back surgery she asked the nurse, "Am I a broccoli, or a cauliflower?"
Ready Freddie
freddie mercury GIFGiphy65 year old woman who had a wrist surgery. She was anxious so they gave her a good whack of propofol (the milk of amnesia).
Mid surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick northern Irish accent she was like "Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka?" "gimme a wee bit more boy, I'm loving this stuff."
Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing "don't stop me now". The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie.
FLY!!!!
Not a medical professional, but my mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, "Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!"
The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.
Well if it was good for Hitler....
I'm a consultant anesthetist (UK) and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in.
My all time favorite is a 40 something guy a few years ago - he needed a testicle removing for cancer. He'd never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone.
As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient.
"Hitler... has only got one testicle..."
elmo GIFWhen we got to the hospital he went into the pediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo but Elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.
Hopped
I dislocated my shoulder in a way that my arm ended up stuck up over my head. Apparently, while all hopped up on demarol, I was laughing hysterically while the doctor was standing on the table/gurney wrestling with my arm to get it back into the socket. I don't remember a thing.
Ummmm.... Ok.
Parks And Recreation Nbc GIF by HULUGiphyThis woman undergoing C-section under spinal anesthesia + ketamine said 'Show my baby first to my brother-in-law, he deserves to see her first'. I sometimes wonder what happened to her marriage after that.
Speaking in Tongues....
After having my tonsils out at 24, something got crossed in my brain and I started answering the nurses in Welsh. Since I was definitely English (with an obvious Midlands accent) and we weren't even near the Welsh border at the time there was a reasonable amount of confusion until it cleared up about 15 minutes later and I began speaking my native tongue again.
I also sleep talk in Welsh occasionally.
Spirit Delusions
Patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure: "I'm deaaaaaaaad" "No, you're ok, we're taking care of you" "I'm a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!" wavy arm motions Ok.
I was given Ketamine in the ED and was like comatose. I couldn't move and was having trippy hallucinations.
I felt like I was floating above myself and was thinking "oh I'm dead. Is this dead? This isn't so bad". I slowly came to and then like flipping a switch I full came back and immediately started sobbing uncontrollably about how as a vet tech I give ketamine to animals and how scary it must be since they don't understand they've been drugged.
Potato Fingers
starving french fries GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyAnesthesiologist told me that as I was going down that I was describing my fingers feeling like French fries, but French fries after you take them home and put them in microwave so they're soggy and not as good.
For Ron
The most memorable funny one was a guy who sat bolt upright, mime rolling a cigarette and tuck it behind his ear "saving it for 'ron" when I asked what he was doing.
Anesthesia can be a wild trip.
The kids will always scream when they wake up.
Not this Menu
A woman was absolutely distraught that she was going to be made to eat asparagus and was repeatedly telling us that she did not like asparagus, especially with eggs, and was politely rejecting the asparagus she thought we were constantly offering her.
To you and you and you....
pending schitts creek GIF by CBCGiphyNot anesthesia but delirium. Introduced the oncoming nurse to the patient. The patient gestured grandly around the room and said "(nurse's name), meet all my friends!!"
....to an empty room.
Delirium is so messed up.
I know somebody that was put into Residential Aged Care because of their advanced dementia, months into their stay it turns out they just had a UTI and once it was treated they regained all functions again.
When in Nam
My brother had top surgery and woke up from being put under. My step mom (whom I call "Mom") recorded him talking about how Abe Lincoln was a great guy. She asked him how he knew and he replied with: "I knew him back in 'Nam". And that's the story of how my brother fought side-by-side with Abe Lincoln back in Vietnam.
La Familia
My dad (Italian) was waking up from anesthesia and kept looking at his asian nurse and saying he was so glad his daughter was with him. And that he loved his daughter. The nurses were confused, so they went out into the waiting to check for his daughter. I was the only one in the waiting area, and when they saw me and started hysterically laughing. I am Korean by birth, but what adopted by my lovely Italian family. :)
All the Gold
I was the patient, but right before Christmas a couple of years ago I had my gallbladder removed. In the recovery room as I was waking up I became obsessed with singing the 12 Days of Christmas song. I kept asking the nurses what order the verses were in. As they were wheeling me out of the room I heard a nurse belt out "Five golden rings!" Which was followed by everyone's laughter.
Turn it Up!
dog salsa GIFGiphy"I'm preparing to salsa dance."
"Stand back everybody. There's nothing you can do to stop me."
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Did the surgeon inadvertently nick a major artery?
Or did they discover you were incubating an alien egg along the gastrointestinal wall?
Whatever it is, all anyone in the OR can hope for is a smooth surgery without any surprises.
But that isn't always the case.
With many close calls that likely happen in the OR, those who are in the medical field – along with patients – responded to Redditor Potential_ganache_40's inquiry of:
"Surgeons of reddit, what was your 'oh sh*t' moment ?"
Spoiler alert: there's a lot of hemorrhaging going on. Never Come To Surgery On A Full Stomach
"I was doing a corneal transplant when I had the 'oh sh*t' moment. During surgery, I cut off the patient's own cornea and replace it with a new donor cornea. During that moment when the host cornea was off but before I could get the new one on, there's literally nothing on the front of the eye except a tear film and aqueous humor. Anyway, the patient takes that moment to start vomiting."
"The reason we tell everyone to skip food and drink is so they don't aspirate in case they throw up. This patient lied about eating breakfast and started throwing up everything. The eye is still 'open sky' at this time. Everything inside of the eye can now become outside of the eye. And she's bucking and vomiting."
"Those not in the know will say this is not good. Those really in the know will say 'oh sh*t.'"
"Anyway, I had to grab the new cornea and start stitching as fast as I could on a patient actively throwing up. I use 10-0 nylon sutures which are thinner than an eyelash. It turned out okay but not great."
"Don't lie about eating breakfast before surgery, folks."
Baby Like A Cannonball
"Doing a C-Section for this poor Mum who'd been in labour for hours. Baby wouldn't come out of the hole we'd made, so more pressure was applied to the fundus (top of the uterus) and suddenly whoooooosh, baby zooms out like a torpedo, covered in lubricating vernix, zips over the surgical sheeting which has the texture of a slip n slide and almost rockets straight off the table. The baby's foot was caught by the Reg who whipped her up in the air upside down like in old cartoons, but almost dropped her again due to gloves + vernix. Thankfully the midwife was ready with the towel and caught the baby to wrap her up. Mum and Dad seemed to think this was normal practice and didn't notice but me and my colleague just stared at each other with a look of absolute horror. It still makes me shudder to think how close the baby was to hitting the floor head first. Never happened before or since."
Catheter Removal
"When I was a new RN working the ICU in a large teaching hospital, I came into work one morning to a patient that was admitted that night, intubated (breathing tube in), sedated, Foley catheter (tube in pee pee hole) and all. Long story short, he was extubated (breathing tube out) that same shift and was completely alert and oriented."
"He was an end stage renal patient meaning his kidneys didn't work and he needed dialysis, and was only in his late 30s. Said he neve made urine anymore and didn't need the Foley catheter so he wanted it out because it was hurting."
"Now the catheter bag had been empty my whole shift which is normal seeing as how he didn't make urine anymore, and this hospital had a nurse driven Foley removal policy, meaning while we needed a doctor's order to insert one, we could remove one at our discretion, unless a Dr specifically put in orders not to. This patient had no such dr order, so I went to remove the catheter. They are held in the bladder by a balloon on the end that is inflated with 10ml of saline. I deinflated the balloon removing 10ml of saline, and pulled it out."
"As soon as the cather left his penis, blood started pouring out in a heavy stream. Turns out the nurse who placed it on admission hadn't advanced it far enough since there was no urine production to indicate correct placement and had inflated the balloon while still in his urethra causing trauma."
"It would not stop bleeding. I had to hold this man's penis "shut" to put pressure on it while my coworker paged the resident who came and looked at me with pitty as he told me to just keep holding this 30 something year old man's penis In my hands to staunch the blood flow until urology could get there to assess. It just kept gushing blood everytime I eased up to check. For over an hour total I held this mans penis and tried to make polite conversation until the urologist arrived."
– shanbie_
"Can I Still Have Anal Sex?"
"Surgeon here. I've dealt with loads of morbid stuff but one thing that made me stop and go 'oh sh*t' was a conversation with a young patient who had a perforated colon from diverticular disease, which is a common wear and tear of the colon. He was one of youngest patients I had seen with this condition and certainly the youngest with a perforation so bad as to require an operation. When I was counselling him on the operation, which involves removing the perforated part of the colon and giving him a colostomy, he told me his biggest concern was how he was going to have anal sex with his same-sex partner. He would only have a small stump of rectum left inside, which would be at risk of perforation with any force applied to it. It made me really think about the implications of the surgery we do. The operation is the easy part!"
– andrewkd
Liver Transplant Accident
"I was the patient."
"I had a liver transplant and was having an ercp done to place a new bile duct stent. Well apparently my anatomy is different than normal, and my lungs go more down my sides. So he accidentally caused a nick, which caused a hemothorax. So when I woke up I couldn't breathe, they did an xray and had to do a chest tube. Eventually I was so exhausted I asked to be vented so he vented me. Apparently he cried he felt so bad about it all."
"But it wasn't him being malicious or negligent, it was simply an accident."
Ruptured Uterus
"Heard an 'oh sh*t' moment as a patient on the operating table. A couple of years ago I was in labor for 28 hours, pushing for six, when my child started showing signs of distress. He had slightly elevated heart rate and I had the makings of a fever. My midwife at the hospital told me the doctor was coming in to check to see if a vacuum assist could help. She checks me and immediately stands up with blood on her hand and says we're going to the OR now. At that time, I started feeling that zoomed out tunnel vision I know for me is shock. I had anxiety, but figured she knew what was best. She did. We got in the OR 8 minutes later and when they opened me up, I heard the surgeon say, "oh sh*t. Look at this.'"
"They say blood in my catheter bag and upon fully opening me up found my son was actually trying to come through my uterus. He had ruptured it. They got my son out. Those moments where he was stunned and not crying were an eternity. He cried and he was born a completely healthy baby. After I woke up and was back in my room the doctor came in and told me what happened. I knew a ruptured uterus sounded bad, but oh damn I googled and started having a massive anxiety attack. A ruptured uterus is extremely rare and so very dangerous and often fatal. I read from the time it happens you have about 15 minutes before you bleed out and baby is dead. When I went back for my post csection follow up my midwife let me know as a practice that's been around 35 years with over 30 midwives and doctors they had never once encountered that and it was such a big deal for them a few days after my birth they all got together to discuss my case. I was so incredibly fortunate I chose to labor in hospital, that the doctor just knew from my vitals and baby's that something was off. They just didn't know until they got me open. I can't even tell you how grateful I am for Dr. S. You saved my life and my son's life and our family with forever be grateful."
Polyp Removal
"Gastroenterologist here. Was removing a large polyp during a colonoscopy. I put the snare around then polyp (kinda of like a cowboy throwing a lasso) - it took an unusually long time to severe the base of the polyp - until, all of a sudden, blood started squirting from where the polyp was removed. The screen quickly turned red with blood. I couldn't see shit. The patients blood pressure started to drop. The patient, who was a dark skinned middle eastern man, turned pale white on the stretcher in front of me. Thats when I felt like i was gonna faint and empty my own bowels... the only thing i could think was 'Oh Sh*t.'"
It's Not A Toomah
"Not me but my uncle - he's a respirologist and was supervising/sitting in on lung surgery to remove a tumor. Turns out the tumor was a rootball - some type of seed had gotten into the patient's lungs and started to grow."
"Yeah imagine telling someone 'we found a tree inside you' and that being a much better outcome!"
Bone Drop
"Not a surgeon, but I was observing a hand surgery about a year ago at a teaching hospital. The surgeon was removing one of the carpals (the bones near the base of the hand) to be used later. A nurse was given the carpal to hold until it needed to be used. She ended up dropping the patient's bone on the ground."
When You Refuse Medical Attention
"Just an RN here. I was working in the ER and had a patient brought in by her husband. Apparently the woman had a fall a week prior and injured her face but refused medical care. Her husband finally forced her to come in. As soon as I see the wound on her face (from across the room) I think, 'that does not look like any wound Ive seen.' I approached her and realized maggots had infested the wound and were eating the rotting skin. A really simple and quick fix but I cant imagine her living conditions."
"Dozen Hammers To The Jaw"
"As the patient, I hope if the oral surgeon is on Reddit they posted this story."
"Wisdom teeth removal, all 4 impacted, gotta break out the heavy hardware. I'm knocked out, don't even know the dentist entered the room. I wake up, but not able to move, just eyes open awake but my limbs won't react to my brain. I can feel the dentist hammering a chisel into my tooth to break it for extraction. My jaw is just coming undone on every hit. My eyes are wide open, jaw even wider with some evil metal contraption. I'm staring at the assistant begging for her to see me, and after about a dozen hammers to my jaw she glances over and drops the suction, jumps up and shrieks. The dentist stops to look at her, then looks at me and I see him say "oh sh*t".
"Next thing I know I'm waking up post surgery. Sh*t that nightmares are made of."
"Edit: lot of replies, so this was a military dentist, yes they put me under and no insurance involved, not sure what they used for anesthesia. Yes I could feel pain from the impact but not nerve pains in the actual tooth."
The Fainting Nurse
"My grandfather told a story about a clamp coming off an artery while he was pulling a kidney in rural Wyoming in the early 50's."
"The abdominal cavity was quickly filling with blood and the nurse fainted. He was able to push down with his elbow on the descending aorta and got the clamp back on. Patient lived, but I think he chose his surgical assistants little more carefully after that."
Foot Issues
top of the foot pain GIF by ePainAssistGiphyGout. The foot swelled up massively, it was bright red and hot to the touch. Touch was the LAST thing I wanted, just having enough air movement to shift the hairs on my foot was excruciating. Unbelievable pain that I couldn't escape from. I swelled so much that when it finally went back to normal, the skin sloughed off like I had had a massive sunburn. I could feel EVERY heartbeat, painfully, in my foot.
The Femur
I broke my femur in a car accident, all I felt was pure adrenaline like I had never felt before and no pain. They got me to the hospital fairly quickly and hit me with 2 shots of morphine ASAP. Next thing I know they were drilling a hole through my calf with a power drill so they could set the leg with a pin and I was wide awake with no pain due to the drugs. It was the other drivers 6th DUI offense.
Everything Hurts
Trigeminal neuralgia (also called the suicide disease) I'm one of the lucky ones though, that it improved with treatment so I only had it for about a year. Basically felt like someone was slamming an ice pick into my ear, jaw, and face. Even brushing my teeth hurt.
On Ice
accident falling GIFGiphyI slipped on steps one winter fell on my back had my wind knocked out, cracked 2 ribs and dislocated shoulder. And worst part is that it was like 3 steps.
Passed out pain
This is the worst pain I've ever seen someone feel. My sister had open heart surgery at 23 to repair a murmur. Several days later when she first got home the nerve block in her side started to wear off. She managed to fall asleep at the beginning but she woke up screaming like a banshee. I'll never forget it. I got her to stand up but she looked at me and went white as a sheet and passed out.
The Spiral
I shot a 3.5" spiral nail into my finger.
The doctor pulled it out with pliers, no freezing or pain killers. I had 3 nurses holding me down. I've broken many bones and it doesn't even come close to comparing.
They gave me Percocet after the fact. I have no idea why they didn't give me anything.
The nail was also almost all the way through, so you'd think they cut the head off and pull the remaining 1/2" of the nail through. Nope the grabbed the head and pulled all 3" back out the way it came. It came from a coil gun so they also pulled the coil wires back through my finger. It was excruciating.
Life is Excruciating
I've had two open-heart surgeries and I have a pacemaker to boot. Also had to major spinal surgeries, and I'm having a third one next month. (I just can't stay away! My doctor has a real nice car now!)
Anywho... they're very painful, so I get it entirely. In fact, until I met my current wife, I'd decided I was going to forego the surgery next time my heart starts failing (it's a given; 2-5 years from now) to let nature takes its course.
I just couldn't justify all of that for what little life had to offer.
Now I'm married and there's so much worth fighting (and suffering) for!
CRACK! SNAP!
I was ice skating and going through a major growth spurt when I was 13. The skates were too tight. I hit a crack in the ice and did a maneuver to stop from falling on my face. Well CRACK! SNAP! I shattered my tibia from just bellow the knee all the way down to the ankle, in a spiral fracture.
Because the skates were so tight in fact that when I hobbled and limped off of the ice and had them removed my leg did not immediately swell up. I knew my bone was broken. I could feel and hear the various shards of shin bone grinding up against one another and the muscles.
Yet, people assumed at most I maybe bruised my bone.
I went home. Limping and in the worst physical pain. My father said I was ok. But after about 12 hours and the pain just getting worse I finally was taken to the ER - where I learned I fractured my leg in 8 different spots on the tibia.
I had to get metal pins put in, and was in various casts for 4 straight months and a boot for two.
Missed a Step
spongebob squarepants cringe GIFGiphyI missed a step one morning and I folded my foot over so much that my big toe touched my heel. I made a noise I had never made before. It was like a dying rabbit who was into Finnish death metal.
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