Reddit user Roentgenographer asked:
"Reddit, what is the strangest thing you 'have a guy' for?"
... and yeah... the Christmas Corpse in Your Car guy has some stiff competition.
Heh. Stiff. Get it? Cause corpse?
I'm not sorry.
Mike, The Homeless Homie
Police Fuck You GIF by Noise Nest NetworkGiphy"When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer."
"Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn't/wouldn't validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street. Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush."
"Spaces were very limited."
"One day, soon after starting, I passed the same 'bum' for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn't at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he'd tell you to have a nice night."
"Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar."
"The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I'd throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike."
"Two hours later it's noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case."
"They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess' car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm."
" 'Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.' "
"The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention."
"He'd been standing there 'holding' the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes."
"Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to."
"I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week."
"He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He'd track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck."
"Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my 'bum.' He was my friend, though."
"His name was Mike. He just didn't live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people. Mike and I stayed friends for years after I stopped working downtown."
"I wouldn't say we kept in touch (he didn't have a cell phone or any way to contact him) but I would still frequent my favorite bar occasionally and run into him on the corner and we'd catch up. Then one day he just wasn't there anymore."
"I asked around but pretty quickly found out I knew more about him than anyone else in the world, it seemed."
"Mike was homeless because he had been a career criminal in his youth. He went to prison a couple times in the eighties for kiting checks at a felony level (an old scam you can't really get away with anymore)."
"He was probably twenty to thirty years older than me at the time and had lived on the streets since the mid- nineties. He had no family, couldn't get hired anywhere with his record, and - to be honest - didn't much care for the idea of having a job and a home."
"Some people simply won't be domesticated. Mike was that way."
"But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge."
- Stoopidmonkey73
Salsa
salma hayek dancing GIFGiphy"I have a salsa lady. The food, not the dance."
"She's been winning awards for it since before I was born. Fantastic flavor, balanced without too much acid or salt."
"Best salsa I've ever had, and I'm painfully picky about food."
"People have tried to get her to expand, but she sells out locally and doesn't see the need to ship. She just isn't interested in expanding."
"She's good just being the local salsa lady."
- MildlyAnnoyedMother
Someone Get Us This Guy's Number
happy sloth GIFGiphy"I have a sloth guy."
"He runs a USDA-certified wild animal rescue and has has his sloth for close to 20 years. He takes extraordinary care of all of his animals."
"Three separate family events over the last 15 years? I've called my guy and he's brought a sloth to the party."
"The sloth is not a performing animal- no one gets to approach, handle, or pet it. He simply brings it for a short period of time so that people can see it, and he discusses its life, behavior, and care."
"He does phenomenal work to protect and preserve wildlife- many of his animals came to him after being purchased by people who wanted an 'exotic' pet they quickly realized they could not care for."
"But yeah, I have a sloth guy - which is SO cool."
- Seeking_Starlight
"The Good Stuff"
Season 9 Joey GIF by FriendsGiphy"I've got a pineapple guy. You don't get good pineapples in the store, you gotta know a guy."
"He gets me the good stuff: a variety called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc.."
"It's a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn't hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it."
"I don't know how my guy gets his pineapple, I don't ask and he doesn't tell. That's the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked."
"It's good to have a pineapple guy."
"And yes I mean actual pineapples, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anyone even need a weed guy anymore?"
- 52ndstreet
Disposing Of Mattresses
Mattress Everybodylovesraymond GIF by TV LandGiphy"I have a mattress gal."
"She runs a high end mattress shop and is supposed to 'dispose' of any returned mattresses."
"I take care of disposal by showing up at the customers place to pick it up, then bringing the disposal mattresses around to any friends or family in need of a mattress upgrade."
"I got a sweet $4000 king bed for free (aside from hauling it) because it was a return."
- LiterallyADiva
A Fat Guy
Bill Nye Scientist GIF by NETFLIXGiphy"I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he does breast reductions, tummy tucks and such."
"Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy."
"I do medical research."
- Chris4evar
"I was the tissue guy for a while!"
"We had a list of 'wants' from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissue for other labs."
"I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders."
"It sounds gruesome that my job was to cut apart bodies for their pieces, but nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn't need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder."
- daabilge
Old Varieties
mr t conan obrien GIF by Team CocoGiphy"I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree? He's got it."
"Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa's apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties."
"The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies."
"They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing."
"Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It's like sampling wine."
"He's currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I'm absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I'm excited."
"It's good to have an apple guy."
- Tuedal
The Metal Genitals Guy
terminator 2 GIFGiphy"I got a guy who will mold your genitals and cast it in the metal of your choosing."
"That's his specialty. He does other stuff like jewelry and general handicrafts. but he's happy to be known as the metal genital guy."
"He primarily works with vaginas. He's done some penises, but mostly just friends or local porn stars. If he's to be believed, he's molded around a thousand vaginas."
"It's probably in the hundreds, realistically, but that's still a LOT of metal genitals."
"Dude's a character."
- GrumpySarlacc
Tamales
Food Kiss GIF by AsIf.tvGiphy"I worked in restaurants for years."
"I learned that Hispanic communities really do have a 'guy' for everything, at least where I live - there's a car repair 'guy' they all go to, a tax 'guy,' etc."
"Well, my buddy Felipe introduced me to the Tamale Guy, and I go see him almost weekly ever since I was introduced. You just drop by his house, and go in the kitchen door in the back and he's in there, like six days a week."
"F*cking rad."
- nono_baddog
The Sabbat Guy
helping schitts creek GIF by CBCGiphy"I'm very old. By reddit standards I should be dead."
"When I was a kid I was "sabbat goy" for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn't do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace."
"They weren't allowed to 'work' so I stepped in to help with that stuff."
"It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I'm not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not "payment."
"He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves."
"I was glad to help them."
- BobT21
Do you have a 'guy' for something interesting? Is there a local tradition that people in your area have a 'guy' for that would seem strange somewhere else?
Spill your stories, folks.
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I do often wonder why we don't take more time to ourselves. Did you know that some countries take siestas? Mandatory naps, paid. I would kill to indulge in mandatory naps.
"may cause death"
Angry New Amsterdam GIF by Global TVGiphy"All the adverts on TV for medicine end with the same statement "may cause death" 🤣." ~ IanUK66
"They have to say that, even if it's like .000000001% because of a very, very rare interaction with certain other medicines or health conditions. Advertised medicine is a load of horse crap, though." ~ Darkwoth81Dyoni
No Rules
"As a Canadian, it's interesting just how polarizing USA politics are to us. Trump vs Hillary/Biden was a way bigger topic than any of our own federal elections." ~ Regnes
"What blows my mind as a Canadian is every state can have different rules and laws for a federal election they don't have an elections Canada style impartial body that is in charge of making sure the rules are the same and followed across the board. It seems so wild." ~ cardew-vascular
Flushed
"Your toilets are full of water. I didn't understand American jokes about water splashing you until I saw one of them for the first time. I'm in Australia. Yes, our toilets have water in them, but the water level is much lower."
"Our toilets are wash down types rather than US style siphonic. The flushing action is more forceful than American toilets and our poo doesn't do a victory lap before disappearing. Here's an Australian toilet flushing." ~ JobSpecialist5436
Pay Up
"You're supposed to file and pay American taxes if you're a citizen. Even if you don't live there. People complain about Canadian taxes but at least if you leave you don't have to keep paying them - but you can stay a citizen." ~ showmeyourrecipes
"I'm from America, and I've always thought the dumbest thing about our taxes is I spend 4 hours trying to figure out the exact amount to pay, only to have them send me a letter correcting me when I'm wrong. Like if you knew what I had to pay why did I just do a calculus test for no reason." ~ PointyGecko1122
Don't Look
Season 6 Nbc GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Public toilet door gaps. What the heck, you guys?" ~ impatient-donut
I hate those toilets. I fill the gaps with toilet paper, or I try hold it all in until I'm home. Our bathrooms are a mess here.
Staffing
season 6 friends GIFGiphy"Tipping. It makes no sense to underpay workers in food and expect the customer to make up for it, it should be the business' responsibility to have a fair pay for workers." ~ sarcastic_anarchy8
Rehabilitation of criminals is a societal good...
"Commercialisation of prisons seems very problematic. Prisons become sources of nearly slave labour. Prisons should be looking to reduce their population, reduce recidivism, rehabilitation, appropriate diversion programs etc, but as commercial for profit enterprises where is the incentive to reduce and rehabilitate their inmates? Rehabilitation of criminals is a societal good."
"They may become contributing members of society, but also it makes the rest of society safer and happier. For profit entities are meant to be for the enrichment of their owners, nothing inherently wrong with that, but not suited for an enterprise designed perform a good for society generally." ~ Ok-Challenge7712
Stop Walking
"How American towns and cities are generally designed so that you have to drive everywhere." ~ Johndoe448
"American cities and towns were built around cars, which makes sense given our historical circumstances but is rather impractical in most other situations. In some cities and towns, you can't help but think that at some point in time some urban planner was like "I got a phenomenal idea: let's take the most high-priority necessities and institutions that people need and place them as far apart as possible." ~ ikindalold
Sizes
"The portion sizes." ~ fakebasil
"It works out really well for some things. For example, one thing I like to do is get an order of hibachi steak (stir-fried rice, veggies, mushrooms, and steak) from a local Japanese place at lunch. The lunch portion is as big as the dinner portion, but cheaper. And the portion size is enough for 3-4 meals and it reheats excellently. So, bam!, 3 meals for the price of 1!!" ~ arcinva
America isn't even doing tipping properly, so why do we bother? Pay more, or stay home if you can't tip. We are a bit strange, aren't we?
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