Only someone who's been the older sibling knows the subtle struggles thrust upon a person forced into that role.
Compared to the younger sibling or siblings, the older child has a unique relationship to parents, their rules and guidance, how to navigate growing into an adult, and pretty much every other aspect of growing up.
For the oldest, there is no template.
Apparently curious about all those struggles, Redditor _mamasboy_ asked:
"Whats the WORST part about being the older sibling?"
Many older siblings discussed the dynamic many are fully aware of: different approaches to parenting depending on the child.
The fact of the matter is, parents are learning as they go.
An Iterative Process
"You are expected to be the leader and example. As a result, the younger sibling gets away with a lot more."
"You're the test model. Your parents learn how to parent by fu**ing up with you, so they learn what *not* to do."
Lawless by the End
"You watch your parents become less and less strict with your younger siblings and you watch them do things you were never allowed to do..."
-- IfigeniaCool
A More Specific Example
"My sister and I are about 2 years apart. Overall we got along pretty well. We shared a bedroom till I was about 14 and she was 12… we had a single mom.. so she couldn't afford a place till I was on high school so we could have our own rooms."
"The one thing I absolutely hated though… my younger sister loved dolls. Me? I never wanted a doll. Not even a Barbie doll. But my sister had SO SO SO many. She's get them as gifts for years. She even got this creepy standing doll that stood in the corner of the room. It didn't have a face. She had one of those toy canopies to hold the amount of dolls she had."
"But could I get a mini disco ball and a lava lamp ? No. I had to pick just one."
-- Junebug1515
Others talked about he undue emotional weight placed on them throughout their upbringing.
The Rock
"To be strong in family crises." -- opinionthatmatters
"yes this is so annoying, iIm not only the oldest brother but the oldest cousin too....like ffs I am the role model...peak of humanity in this generation apparently, i am asked to do so much it's not funny anymore..."
"When my grandpa died in 2019 from cancer I was 14 and the oldest...everyone look at me for things. Like bruv, O was the oldest and to him probably his favorite as we had the same hobbies so I needed time to grieve, didn't get that time" -- suriname-ballv2
Growing Up Fast
"You end up like a 2nd parent if one isn't around." -- imma-trope
"I was 10 when my twin sisters were born."
"I've changed more diapers, done more late night feedings, and general childcare for them than both my parents combined."
"I love my sisters. Being 12, and your friends ask you to hangout over the weekend but you can't because you have to potty train them is an experience no one should have to deal with." -- cleaning-meaning
A Hanger-On
"You're the one forced to include your younger siblings in things, which is a social burden. And you have no one older than you to stick up for you and emulate being more mature."
"In high school I had friends that knew exactly what to expect from applying to colleges, visiting colleges, and some of them even attended college parties with their older sibling."
"Meanwhile I was applying to college on my own, paying application fees out of pocket, and I had to bring my 11 year old brother with me anytime I went to the diner, mall, or movies with my friends. They pretty much stopped inviting me at one point."
-- rawbface
Perfection is the Standard
"The worst is that I'm expected to be great. I'm expected to have my sh** together. I'm expected to be the bigger person. I'm expected to support myself. My younger brothers are not."
"That even when I have needed help, I'm still expected to have my sh** together and be perfect, have a job, pay rent, pay more rent when it's found that I have money left over, etc. But not my brothers."
Finally, others had some more loving things to say about their younger siblings. For all the drawbacks, older siblings cannot help but feel like a protector.
Different Parents
"watching your parents grow old while your sibling is still young" -- myst123
"Yeah its scary. I hate thinking about it (god forbid) but I'm scared my sis wont spend as much time with my parents as i did." -- Scarlet_Scribbles
History Repeated
"Seeing them making the same mistakes you made" -- Formal_Function_3505
"its funny when i warn my sibling and he brushes it off calling me a wimp" -- suriname-ballv2
"Gosh, my brother… I can't even count how many cars he has bought and then immediately traded in in the last year. He's not trading up, like for something nicer, it's just sideways movement ie trading in a 2015 Ford Edge for a 2017 Chevy Cruze. The Cruze died a day after he got it."
"Save your money dude. As the kid who still lives at home I can promise you all this spending will come back to bite you. Why do you think I live at home???" -- redfern962
Just the Way it Goes
"Loving your younger siblings immensely and wanting to take care of them and give them a better childhood than you had but also dealing with the fact that taking care of them means accepting your own 'parentification' and sacrificing part of your own childhood"
-- jemdamos
People who were born the oldest had zero choice in the matter. It's just the way things turned out.
Thankfully, Reddit is here to provide a space to vent.
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Guy's Sister Was Voted "Ugliest Girl" By The Boys In Her Class, And Her Brother Seeks Advice On How To Help
Beat them all!! Sorry not Sorry!
My (15M) sister (17F) was voted ugliest girl of her year and it's crushing her. I need help on how to comfort her. First of all u/GladBus0 is the kind of sibling we all deserve and should be... and he has an issue he needs some guidance on. Listen close....
Kids are just cruel. Parents... that's a fail. What are your thoughts people?
Only Children Reveal The Biggest Things That People Who Have Siblings Will Never Get
Only Children Reveal The Biggest Things That People Who Have Siblings Will Never Get
[rebelmouse-image 18353385 is_animated_gif=How many times did little you dream of your siblings disappearing from your house and giving you peace and quiet? And how many times did us only children wonder what it would be like to have siblings at all?
It's a question only Reddit can answer. User thisshortenough asked the internet:
Only children of reddit, what is something that people with siblings don't understand?
Here are some of the answers.
Some Insight
[rebelmouse-image 18353386 is_animated_gif=Relationships are hard.
I've always envied people who had not just siblings (because, yeah, learning to have another person in your space is hard), but siblings of the opposite sex. Growing up with an understanding of how the opposite sex thinks/feels about their body, about friendships, how they deal with fears and insecurities, and react to power-struggles among their peers... all that shit is a complete f-cking mystery to only-children, and it's an complete mind-f-ck when you run head on into it in your first relationship.
Equal Ground
[rebelmouse-image 18353388 is_animated_gif=There's no person of approximately my age in my family.
I've got one cousin but she's 20 years older than me so I've always percieved her like another aunt. Her children on the other hand are 10 and 15 years younger than me and we don't even meet much.
Because of that I kinda cannot grasp the concept of having a non-hierarchical relationship with your relatives or basically having a relative who's also a buddy of yours.
Physical Safety
[rebelmouse-image 18353389 is_animated_gif=I've never been punched or hit or kicked! I think for people with siblings that's surprising because siblings often get physical in their arguments.
Only Each Other
[rebelmouse-image 18353390 is_animated_gif=Wife and I are both only children - net result - our kids do not have any aunties, uncles or cousins... And we had a big family in part because we were only children!
Alone
[rebelmouse-image 18353391 is_animated_gif=If you have trouble with your parents you don't really have someone to talk to who is that close to your parents as you are and who understands like you do. So it is only you who has to deal with your parents' frustration of life, their disappointment in you, their anger because you don't live your life like they wanted you to do.
Target
[rebelmouse-image 18353392 is_animated_gif=I'm curious if other only children were very sensitive? I definitely got a big shock going into school and encountering the cruelty of children for the first time, having been raised by a single loving mother. Makes you a pretty big target for bullying when you're that naive.
The Life I Never Led
[rebelmouse-image 18353393 is_animated_gif=The pressure from family to have kids and to have a family of your own is quite high, especially if you have other plans.
Chosen Family
[rebelmouse-image 18353394 is_animated_gif=How your friends become your siblings - but for your friends WITH siblings you don't become theirs.
Growing up (and still) I had/have a core group of friends - 1 is an only child and the others all had brothers and sisters. I feel closer to this set of friends than almost anyone else after 25+ years (even my husband) but I'm always aware that they have siblings who THEY are closer to than me. For me that's the loneliest part.
Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
[rebelmouse-image 18352027 is_animated_gif=That when they both go you are truly alone.
I don't currently have a partner and my father passed 2 years ago. It's just my mother left, I don't speak to my family that live in the same state so if/when my mother goes and I'm still single then....I'm it...
I have friends, great friends but as for family mum is it
Some Help
[rebelmouse-image 18353395 is_animated_gif=Im 30 and an only child, spent the last 14 years helping the family look after sick and dying relatives, because we were all they had.
Nursed my father, 2 grandmothers and grandfather through cancer, dementia and old age. Cleaned things and seen things no grandchild should ever have to.
Even one sibling would have made this whole process much much easier. For any parents reading this just two bits of advice
1- Your child will want & need time to just enjoy life and cut loose without a purpose, give this too them but let them know you're close if needed
2 - Think about your own future, my mother is essentially a shut in aside from 1/2 weekly grocery trips since my father passed, no matter your age try to keep your independence as long as you can & start a payment plan for your own funeral, you can pay it off over 20 years and it wont bankrupt your kids
Phew
[rebelmouse-image 18345946 is_animated_gif=Watching my friends and cousins fight with their siblings was TERRIFYING. It was a great relief to return to my books and video games.
Be Careful
[rebelmouse-image 18353397 is_animated_gif=When you become an only child as an adult be prepared for never ending 'be careful' lectures.
My mom must think that I'm an idiot now. It's like, I'm just checking so see if the new season of that show is on Netflix yet. "Well, be careful."
May or may not be a slight exaggeration.
Some Quiet
[rebelmouse-image 18347914 is_animated_gif=i need my alone time. I'm not being antisocial, i'm not a hermit.
I had 20+ years of keeping myself entertained and it's exhausting to have constant chatter in the background now. Sometimes i just want to be alone with my thoughts.
New Lessons
[rebelmouse-image 18353398 is_animated_gif=When I got to college, and even after college, I found it difficult to have roommates because I was used to things being just "my way" in my living space as I hadn't had to share that space with other peers for years while growing up. Took me a long time to learn to cohabitate with others.
Duality
[rebelmouse-image 18353399 is_animated_gif=You are both the Golden child and the scapegoat. When you do good, praise rains upon you. When you fuck up, you get their undiluted wrath.
Outnumbered
[rebelmouse-image 18353400 is_animated_gif=I'm an only child AND an only grandchild --- on both my mothers and my fathers side. And it's not like my parents were only children, both have siblings who married so I have 8 aunts and uncles but no first cousins. It made for a very different upbringing because all of our holidays and family gatherings, there was no kids table. I sat with the adults and had to have discussions with adults all the time, which I believe helped me intellectually, but there were so many times where I would just want to be a kid. It's kind of ironic, I would get lots of toys at Christmas and my birthday, but never had anyone to play with them with.
As for what people don't understand, many people have already touched on this, but just the immense pressure of expectations. Also every conversation you're the only millennial who now has to speak for an entire generation in front of 10 adults.
Self-Sufficience
[rebelmouse-image 18353401 is_animated_gif=I know what it's like to spend a whole day occupying myself. I think I can largely credit my only child experience with how creative I am. I spent time drawing or inventing stories with my toys, building things and dreaming. I think this general thought process has translated well to my everyday life problem solving and designing as an aspiring architect.
Weight Of The World
[rebelmouse-image 18353402 is_animated_gif=You are the one to carry the legacy. You will be blamed for ruining your family or making it greater than it ever was. We also seem to be a bit more content with being alone and are a bit more emotionally mature due to only speaking to grownups our entire lives except for school and friends. At the same time we have trouble making friends a bit more but thats more due to us looking for someone thats just as content as we are in ourselves. Suprised no one said this the one perk is dare I say.... Inheritance.
Lonely Board Games
[rebelmouse-image 18353403 is_animated_gif=How much it sucks growing up and not having someone to play with you. Both my parents worked two jobs when I was a kid, so I had to make up games that I could play with myself or just kick a soccer ball against the wall. I remember I got a really cool Star Wars Monopoly game for Christmas one year, but then I realized I had no one to play it with unless I had friends over, so it spent a lot of time gathering dust. It did get better when I got a dog, but playing with a dog is not entirely the same as a sibling.
Arrangements
[rebelmouse-image 18353404 is_animated_gif=The responsibility of taking care of one's parents. Most of my friends didn't understand what an undertaking it was when my mom got sick last year. I was her POA and responsible for all the decisions. I had to be available for everything, court dates, meetings with social workers, hospice planning. Most of my friends have one sibling who could help out or they could tag team. I carried a case of documents in my car so if I was called when not at home I could look up answers.
Also trying to plan a funeral as the only one responsible is ridiculously stressful. I couldn't find a place to hold it, i spent six hours one day just calling places to see if there was a free spot.