Interested in talking about one key relationship element, Redditor AlarmingBuy4702 asked:
"What are your thoughts about couples that live separately or sleep in separate bedrooms with different bathrooms?"
Quality of Sleep
"I 100% recommend it. My wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms probably seven years ago. At first, we felt guilty about it, as if there was something wrong with our marriage, but the fact is, we are both light sleepers, and my wife likes to zone out on her phone in bed, which kept me awake, and I would start to get anxious about getting enough sleep."
"I tossed and turned a lot and would keep waking her up, and if I got up to pee at night, she would wake up and have a hard time going to sleep again. We even invested in a king-size bed, which only yielded a marginal improvement in our sleep quality."
"Then someone gave us a queen-sized bed which we put in our guest room, and I started sleeping there, and instantly our quality of sleep and quality of life improved. It took a long time until we told anyone about it because we didn't want to be judged but now, we have made peace with it."
- dirtybadgermtb
Personal Space
"Sometimes it's just comforting to know you have your own space. My sister and her husband have separate rooms, she made her own bedroom up and I've noticed fewer fights between them. She needs her own space and quiet time sometimes and it helps."
"It makes sense to me. Also totally cool that couples share a bed. Whatever works to bring you together and sometimes that is being apart."
- mydogispolly
Health Concerns
"Due to health issues, we both sleep better separately. This doesn’t mean we never sleep together, but if either of us is having trouble sleeping it’s nice to have an option. Regarding bathrooms, so many arguments are avoided by having your own."
- loquacious_avenger
For His Safety
"Thanks to ADHD, my husband basically hosts a dance party in his room every night. Blasting music PLUS the TV on, room set to penguin temperatures, plus he rotates in bed non-stop like a chicken on a rotisserie."
"Separate bedrooms prevent me from murdering him."
- OnlyPaperListens
Misery Loves Company
"A word of warning about the CPAP machines. As they age they get louder. It doesn't bother me, because the noise is in response to my breathing, so it's 'my noise.'"
"But it does bother my wife. So I'm now on my second, after about six years or so. The guy told me that this is normal, and insurance 'paid' for it."
"I've also got occasional restless legs and my wife has some level of insomnia, so I have my old CPAP set up in the guest room for when I 'go for a run" at night and waken her.'"
- phred14
Pandemic Together
"Separate bedrooms 100% saved my relationship during the pandemic. I have a CPAP and we have two bedrooms. During the lockdown, having a private space meant that we could just have that little bit of separation. If we were on top of each other 24 hours for months on end, we would have lost it completely."
"It is odd how during the one time when we were isolated from the world, we needed separation. Human brains are weird. But I think it was more that we needed variation. Where most couples had 'together,' we had a really well-defined 'together' and 'alone.'"
- Vermathorax
TV Troubles
"I dumped a girl because she refused to turn the TV in the bedroom off. If I shut it off after she fell asleep, she'd wake up later and turn it back on."
- Snatch_Pastry
No Ambiguity
"We were worried at first (you know sex life stuff) but found 'visiting' was kinda more fun and definite. You definitely know why your spouse slips into bed with you when you have separate rooms."
- algy888
Opposite Schedules
"My wife and I do this. It originally started because we worked opposite schedules. Absolutely the best thing for our marriage."
"We snuggle in bed together before sleeping, and still have plenty of physical intimacy but at the same time both get to have the best sleep possible we can have in our own beds."
- Muhjigger11998823
At least two blankets
"We never took it so far that we sleep in a different bed, but we sleep with our own blankets and it’s f**king life-changing."
- eyanez13
Different Styles and Preferences
"I sleep in my bed of rocks, with my rock pillow. Only the thinnest sheet or I will wake up drenched in sweat. I'm 6'2, 240, and my gravitational pull would be disastrous for my wife."
"My 5'0 110 pounds wife sleeps in a marshmallow with 7 thousand pillows and 52 cushions, nesting between six duvets, with a room temperature good enough to make bread. It takes me half an hour every morning to dig her up from the softest rubble to get her out of bed."
"I snore. She kicks and elbows like a Muay Thai champion."
"Her bathroom has enough potions and jars that OSHA has written her several warnings. Her shampoos, plural sorely needed, smell like brunch. My bathroom needs, and has, a forced ventilation system large enough that she could easily be sucked into the vents."
"Hope that is enough detail."
- JamesJakes000
Different Needs
"As a petite wife of a large man that could set the bed on fire with his body heat and snores, causing the house to shake, I get it. I love my heating pad, two down comforters, weighted blanket, and three cats."
"We are comfy in our nest and my husband is happy in his, with one sheet and four pillows. However, we compromise and share the master bathroom. It works well, for nearly 50 years!"
- Takilove
Kids Sometimes Included
"My wife and son sleep in one room, and I sleep in another. Mostly started because I snore so badly."
"We're cosleepers. Say what you want, I don't care. We used to all sleep in the same bed but my wife and son used to always wake me up because I snore so badly. I tried sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a while but that just made it harder for them to hit me with pillows."
"Now I sleep in what will be my son's bedroom and it f**king rocks. Pitch black, cold, quiet. I sleep like a baby every night and so do they."
"I miss sleeping in the same room with them but sh*t, sleeping great is worth it."
- A_Naany_Mousse
The Cost of Living
"I have married friends who live in San Francisco and they have their own apartments around the corner from each other. It is cheaper than getting one bigger apartment because of rent control."
"They also have crazy sleep habits that annoy the other. Anyway, they’ve been happily married for 20 years now."
- RequirementRare5014
100% Recommend
"If you have or can create the space, give it a try, it can be amazing. And it doesn't have to mean you don't visit each other's spaces."
"My husband and I frequently do, but spend most nights mostly apart, so we get snuggling time when we want but also my tossing and turning at 1 AM plus his snoring at 3 AM plus my inability to fall back asleep easily plus him being easily awoken plus our necessary early morning starts doesn't turn into 'well, then nobody actually got to sleep.'"
"I forgot how great separate sleeping areas were until we went on vacation recently, but was quickly reminded."
- InannasPocket
While the Redditor who started the conversation may have expected more judgment against couples who do not sleep together, they were pleasantly surprised to see how common these sleeping arrangements are.
Though not everyone may be ready to share where they sleep in relationship to their partner, due to feeling like they'll be judged for it, it seems people at least know that this is an option for them.
