People Break Down Which Things Can Ruin Sex In A Marriage
Reddit user Acrobatic_Month_1563 asked: 'What ruins sex life in a marriage?'
We know that not all relationships are destined to last forever.
What might begin as an endearing quality becomes annoying, or what starts off feeling like a minor inconvenience might grow to be a serious dealbreaker with time.
Changes like this can end a relationship, and they can do serious damage to the relationship along the way, like to the couple's communication skills, quality time together, and even their sex life.
Redditor Acrobatic_Month_1563 asked:
"What ruins sex life in a marriage?"
The Final Straw
"10,000 little unaddressed disappointments, which drain communication, which fosters negative assumptions, which breeds coldness, which turns to resentment."
"The sex obviously becomes ungood."
- NotSadNotHappyEither
Communication Is Key
"As someone who separated from his wife four.... days ago, communication is a big part of it."
"Communicate clearly that something is wrong, and work to improve little things. Learn about love languages and how to speak your partner's language. I would speak my own to her and she wasn't receptive because she wanted something else."
"Be self-aware so you know when something is bothering you, and tell them right away, don't wait until it's a big deal. Don't be defensive, be open to listening to everything. There's a ton of healthy relationship advice out there but it takes effort."
- crispyconcerto
"Communicating when things are wrong is very important, but it's also a balancing act. There is such thing as communicating too many problems, too often."
"For example, my wife was very very good at pointing out things about me that bothered her. Which is a good thing, normally. But she did it so much, about even the simplest little petty things, that it really made me feel like there was nothing about me or anything I did that was 'right' to her."
"And it also caused me to never point out anything about her that upset me because I didn't want to make her feel the way she was making me feel. So it was just all-around bad: too much communication from her, too little from me."
"And not everything always needs to be a serious, sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation, like, 'Okay honey, I understand now that I didn't center the salt shaker in the middle of the table the way you like it, I'll do it better next time, but do you really need to pull me into the other room and sit me down and have a 25-minute conversation about it, every time?'"
"I think the sweet spot is really somewhere in the middle."
- Asleep_Onion
Stress Goes Both Ways
"Stress. Kids, work, finances, or any other kind of stress. Kiss your libido goodbye until you figure out how to deal with it."
- OrangeMarmalade
"For some people, sex is how they release their stress. For others, they can't have sex if they're feeling stressed. Figure out which you and your partner are."
- JustTheTipAgain
The Nuances of Intimacy
"Not focusing on the intimacy and emotional safety outside the bedroom. The actual act of sex is the shortest part of the sexual process in my case."
- TacoTacoMi
"I've heard it said, 'Foreplay is constant.' Flirting is foreplay, being civil and polite with waitstaff is foreplay, eye contact and reflective listening are foreplay, getting the door is foreplay, bringing a big umbrella on a rainy day date is foreplay, walking them to their car is foreplay, and texting goodnight is foreplay."
"Foreplay begins the moment you begin communicating, so do it wisely and with good intention."
- Crom_Committee
No Emotional Investment
"I will never understand how people can end up with someone they just... don't care about. You don't need to know every single like and dislike, but damn. "What comfort foods my wife likes" should be an easy win."
- Luminaria19
"Dude, I literally overheard this conversation at the grocery store today that makes me wonder how people like this can get married. Let's call them Bill and Dave."
"Bill - What chips are you gonna get?"
"Dave - Uhhh, tostitos with dip."
"Bill - Okay, do your kids like those, though?"
"Dave - I don't know, probably."
"Bill - Well, maybe get them something that they like."
"Dave - Yeah, I'm getting Cheetos, too."
"Bill - Do your kids like those?"
"Dave - Probably, they're Cheetos. I'm sure they like them."
"Then, at the checkout line..."
"Dave - Gotta get some chocolate, it is shark week after all.' Then he proceeds to seemingly pick three chocolate bars at random."
"Bill - Yo, that bar is heavy on the toffee flavor. It's a unique preference, does your wife like toffee?"
"Dave - I don't know, the other two have peanut butter, though."
"Bill - Does she like peanut butter?"
"Dave - Sure, I mean, who doesn't? She likes it once a month at least.' And chuckles."
"Bill has the look on his face like he did the biggest facepalm ever."
"And here I am having online dates cancel on me the day of..."
- TacoTaconomio
Neglected Needs
"If you or your parent neglect each other's needs and fail to communicate, then it becomes a cycle. The time set aside for sex turns into arguments or relationship maintenance and sex falls by the wayside."
"Kids, marriage, getting fat, and not taking care of yourself don’t actively kill the relationship, but they don’t help, but once you stop putting in the effort to please your partner, things stagger on and begin to die."
- KeyStoneLighter
Mental Health Concerns
"Depression."
- SilionOwl
"This is my first thought. We still had an active sex life throughout our kids' childhood. Grief and depression killed our libido. Mine is coming back, but hers isn't. And I don't function unless I feel wanted."
- CountDown60
Relationship Over in One Word
"Resentment."
- lowercaseb86
"A lot of my hetero couple friends have divorced because the guy didn't do housework or childcare. That really builds up the resentment and sex suffers."
- raisinghellwithtrees
Taking Advantage of a Good Routine
"Routine. Unfortunately routine keeps you healthy and mentally focused."
- GiverTakerMaker
"We always have sex in the afternoon on Sunday. Yes, it is a routine but because we both know the routine, we both know not to let people come over or schedule things during that window of time. That's our time. H**l, even our little dog knows to leave us alone then."
- urgent45
When the Chase Ends
"Too many people stop romancing and dating their partners once they get married. Passionless sex is boring and mechanical."
"They say, 'My partner never wants sex anymore.' Well, when's the last time you did anything to help them feel excited about you?"
- v3sk
"I mentioned that to my husband about two and a half years after we married."
"He literally told me, 'I don't have to do that anymore. I married you.'"
"Then there was the excuse of no time and no money. I fixed those problems."
"Then it was, 'I'm too busy. I need to start a business.' So it never happened."
"Over time, my sex drive dwindled, and my resentment grew. Then he was angry about it. That killed it faster."
"Years went by of once-a-week sex, and he was resentful. I was resentful."
"I wanted to fix this. According to him, the whole entire problem was the lack of sex. That will fix everything."
"So you know what I did? I had sex every single day for two months straight. Then we got into an unrelated argument, and he said he never had enough sex during our marriage, and if we both just 'take care of our responsibilities,' everything would be fine."
"So uhm... I guess add entitlement to that."
- Tough_Music4296
Other Obligations
"Kids and work. The whole bedtime routine isn’t exactly a sex-driver, and when they’re asleep, it’s more tempting to just relax after a long day, before falling asleep yourself."
"To get any sex going here, we need to plan for it, and spice things up with lingerie."
- DrAquaSquid
Not That Kind of Roleplay
"Treating your wife like your mother (or a rival sibling) and then expecting them to be attracted to you when you're horny."
- imightbeyourmomma
"Everyone is saying 'the same routine,' but no one is mentioning how absolutely unappealing in every way it is for a man to treat you like you’re his mother/caretaker."
- hec_ramsey
"It should be mentioned more. Though, for the people who read this and decide to get their act together just for sex, don’t bother."
"It isn’t hot either when you know the adult you live with is only putting the dishes in the dishwasher to get sex, rather than respecting the life you are building together."
- nothing_is_perfekt
Chronic Pain
"Constant joint pain. Nothing kills the mood more than getting interested and then having shooting pain in the shoulder or knees."
"Sucks getting old."
- DistinctRole1877
Not Enough Variety
"Not trying new things, years of the same thing can end up with the mind (and some other things) wandering. Not saying it has to be frequent, but occasionally mixing it up is good."
- MonkeyDDeclan
Weak Promises Aren't Sexy
"When they no longer are a person of their word. Few people mention how damaging things like that are to attraction."
"To elaborate a slight bit, my mind was talking more about when someone stops following their dreams, gets complacent, says they'll do better for themselves, AND DOES NOT because they don't take themselves seriously."
- just-going-with-it
"Yes, it was bad enough that he did not value his word, but totally broke my heart when he had the same approach with the kids too. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Worse, don't promise it."
- Experiments-Lady
As fun as relationships are meant to be, they are a lot of work, as well, and require not only continuous commitment to their partner but to keeping the relationship healthy, as well.
Couples who continue dating each other, respect one another, and adapt their relationship with the times are probably the ones who are going to be the most successful and happily married.
When was the last time you had sex?
Not to make people think about their sex lives (or lack thereof) during a global pandemic... but let me continue.
When was the last time you made love?
You might have different answers for both of these questions, come to think of it. Quite a few people draw a line between the two.
We heard their opinions after Redditor InternationalFun485 asked the online community,
"What is the difference to you between sex and making love?"
"Sex is about..."
"Sex is about the act, making love is about the person."
AbeForman
This is a pretty quick and easy way to put it – but can't sex (or the act) also be just as much about the person?
"My wife and I..."
"My wife and I generally refer to any sexual act between each other as making love, whether it's tender, rough, dirty whatever. If we refer to past sexual acts with other partners we often call it f*cking, because the emotional connection wasn't there."
MischiefStudio
The parameters certainly start to look more different to a lot of people once they have a long-term and successful relationship?
"Making love..."
"Making love is when you're trying to f*ck a person's soul."
Panhead09
Awww, sweet, sweet poetry.
"The level..."
"The level of intense emotions you feel, putting your partner's wants first before yours and vice versa."
oRideofLife
Give and take – as they say.
"Sex [equals]..."
"Sex = fulfilling a primal, instinctual need. Making love = fulfilling an emotional, spiritual need."
mediaG33K
A succinct way to put it!
"Senses are over the top..."
"You can have sex with anyone. Making love in the other hand is when both of you are really feeling each other. Senses are over the top, your heart is pounding hard and you can’t stop thinking about the person you having sex with."
ordanarydude
How dare you bring back such pleasant memories!
"You can have sex without..."
"You can have sex without a emotional connection but you can’t truly make love without having a true connection."
Alert-Cranberry691
It seems a lot of people, probably most people, would agree with this assessment.
"I've always hated the expression..."
"I’ve always hated the expression making love.' I don't know why, I’m a pretty emotional and romantic person, but it skeeves me out. I know you love me, so f*ck me about it."
YaBoyfriendKeefa
You almost had us in the first half there, not gonna lie.
"Sex is just..."
"Sex is just the physical part. Making love is the whole experience with foreplay and cuddling, and you don't want to leave when it's over. You have to be in love to make love."
BlackLetterLies
This is fair... which begs the question – when was the last time you were in love?
"The biggest difference to me..."
"The biggest difference to me is passion and romance. Do you actually like the person or are you just having sex?"
The_UNLUCKY7
Hey, hey, hey...
No need to keep us at night, okay?
It seems there is somewhat of a general consensus here, no?
Ask your partner – what do they have to say? The answer might surprise you... or excite you.
Have some thoughts of your own? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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It's always nice to be complimented, isn't it?
Maybe? It might have been a compliment?
Reddit user, u/Deadtree301, wanted to know what set you sideways when they asked:
What is the strangest compliment you have ever received?
It's nice to be given recognition for the work we do, for the effort we put in to the things we get done.
It can still feel weird when it happens.
In Today's Day And Age, That Matters
"I was washing my hands in a gas station, and this lady told me I'm very good at washing my hands. Then she leaned close and said, "No, really. I'm a health inspector, and I'm very impressed."
Don't Ignore Those Calf Raises
"Years ago, I was working out at my high school's gym. This young lady approaches me and says something along those lines "It's completely unjust! I'll never have ankles as good as yours, no matter how much I work out! You're f-cked!" Prior to storming out. I'm also a man."
Upside! Otters Are Cute.
"When you cry, you look like a sad otter. It's very cute."
"Said to me as a 27 year old man."
"In their defense, otters are adorable. And age is not inversely proportional to adorableness."
You can only gauge so much from a person just by looking at them. To really know them, you have to get to really know them.
In these circumstances, these people were clearly enigma's to others.
What An Odd Prediction
"I was minding my own business in a New York bar. I was sleepy and yawned a lot because it was late."
"This random person who I'd never met before approaches me and asks me a question "Are you a native of Boston? You yawn the way people in Boston movies yawn."
"I am from Boston, and he was from Norway."
Squawk?
"You have a very swan like voice". She did mean it as a compliment but she'd never heard a swan so she was just going off of how swans look."
"I imagine they sound like angry geese, which doesn't sound like it'd be a compliment, or it'd be a passive-aggressive insult"
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Are chance encounters really serendipitous or is it part of some grand master plan? While we may never have an answer for why we come to meet certain people ...Blessed Be You, Sir
"A homeless man once yelled out 'Heyyyy sexy Jesus!' at me."
"So that was nice."
People like what they like. If someone says they appreciate a part of your body, first, make sure you're comfortable with it and, if you're not, tell someone, and second, it takes all kinds.
Ready To Start Dropping Kids
"I was told by a random lady in the grocery store that i have birthing hips, i am a 26yo man. Not sure if it was a compliment, but it was definitely strange."
You Don't Know What You've Got...?
"I was told that I have nice legs by some random guy that didn't have legs at Wal-Mart once."
Just Because You're Dead Doesn't Mean You Skip Leg Day
"I was dressed as a zombie for a scare acting job at a haunted house - full-on gore, horrendous outfit, the works."
"I scared a group of lads and then as they were walking away I heard - "Dude, was it just me or did that zombie have a fantastic @ss?"
"Stupid sexy zombie..."
In To My Sweet Sense Of Fashion
"A random girl passed me at the mall one time. We made eye contact for maybe a second. Then she just said "Nice pants" and kept on walking. My roommate said she was talking about my butt, but I like to think I had some sweet pants on that day."
Take the compliment?
Wins are so rare in this day and age, you should take the 'W' whenever you can it seems.
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Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay |
Sex is a difficult subject to broach sometimes. Even when you're married sex can become a topic best left not discussed. But the truth is we have to talk about sex baby; especially in a relationship. If we as partners can't talk about, ruminate on it, ask for it and turn it down... then we have issues.
One truth about sex is... you just don't always want to do it. Yes, it's fun and healthy but, a long day is a long day and when you're not twenty anymore, you're not twenty anymore!!!
Sometimes you just want to watch Law and Order: SVU and cuddle. Ask me again tomorrow. There may be better ways to chat about this. Let's discuss...
Redditor u/That-Guy-AJS wanted to hear about the romantic inner workings of the married folk out here, by asking:
Married couples, how do you turn down sex, without offending your spouse?
Sex has broken up all of my relationships. And that's my fault. I would just cut it off more and more, and I should've explained why. I get bored easily. I should've mentioned that.
Tomorrow
Tired Tom And Jerry GIF by HBO MaxGiphy"I'm old.and tired, I'll do you tomorrow."
- Nothing_
"Oh! nurse mode!??"
"Honestly, it only happens when I am ill, usually she'll notice anyway, but if she doesn't, I just tell her in which she tends to switch into 'nurse mode' instead."
"Wife: So basically you just want role play."
"Husband: no, no what I meant was..."
"Wife: now now calm down babe this wont hurt a bit..."
Pasta...
"There comes an age where we all have decide early in the night, am I going to eat fettuccine alfredo or am I going to have sex? Both cannot happen in the same night."
"My wife and I just had our anniversary. We had every intention of doing the deed after we got home from dinner. Nope, too much pasta."
- VEI8
Chorizo
"Want some chorizo con huevos?"
"Nah. I already have pants on. And I told you to stop calling it that."
"Cool. Grab on it if you change your mind."
"(For those who don't know, Chorizo is a type of sausage and huevos mean eggs) Also, lmao."
- 3lyri3
Although, one really must watch their ravioli intake. It can compromise everything. When you're full, you can't concentrate.
Bob?
Dance Reaction GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
People Share Dark Secrets From Their Profession The Public Doesn't Know | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Communication is Key
"When she says no I roll back over and go to sleep lol. We have a really communicative relationship, so a no not tonight never hurts either of our feelings."
- Spcone23
"This sounds ideal. My ex used to get so offended when I would say no. Most of the time it would be because it was like 3 am and I'd have to be up for work the next morning. It wasn't that I didn't want it. I just really needed my sleep."
Hole Me
"I learned this from my failed marriage. I just wanted to cuddle sometimes but it always had to lead to sex. I have a new BF these days and we started going down the same path. I was just really open and honest. I said I need to be able to hug and kiss without it being sexual. So we're just very up front."
"I'll ask for platonic hugs. He'll ask if a snuggle session is platonic or not. I'm really glad I caught it early because it was definitely a main factor in my marriage dying. Being able to cuddle and snuggle with no pressure of anything else is so important for both women and men."
This is the way...
"I've been married for 25 years. This is the way... These days, we can have this conversation in about 5 seconds with no words. I look at her, she looks at me... and either grab chocolate and turn on Netflix or go make a human pretzel. (Followed by Netflix and chocolate, and some water)."
- klenow
In January...
"Turned down sex with my soon to be ex wife once. One time in 5 years, naturally she had told me no 1000x. Me being tired and in pain from a shoulder surgery, said that I just wanted to sleep… we never had sex again. That night marked the beginning of a cycle of silent treatment, avoidance, and arguments which led to her leaving one evening while I was out. That was in January, she now has a new boyfriend, and our divorce will be finalized next month."
"Edit: yeah, most all of you are spot on and thanks a lot for the sentiments. This was not the sole reason for her leaving or for the divorce but was the event that set it all in motion. I learned many more disturbing things in the months after she left. So yeah, it was a blessing that it happened so early and I will come out ahead in the end. To whoever said borderline personality disorder. Most definitely. Ever heard of a sociopathic liar? Love makes fools of us all. I just didn't know it was by her design."
- Mule3434
No Pressure
the oc couple in bed GIFGiphy"Because we don't put any pressure on sex. Been with my wife for 10 years. We have a happy sex life but sometimes our bodies or minds aren't in the mood and that's perfectly ok, with both of us."
- J_Krezz
Don't overthink the sex. If you want it, do it. If you don't, say why. Communication is key, especially when it comes to the carnal.
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Everyone is different.
Reddit user, u/humanbean07, wanted to know what unconventional thing gets you going when they asked:
What's a "typically unattractive" trait that you actually find to be attractive?
We expect people to behave a certain way in public. So meeting someone who doesn't behave in the typical manner, then for some it can really stir things up.
Cute Is Better Than Sexy
"Some level of social awkwardness. It can be kind of cute, and Idk if this is an unpopular opinion, but I'll take cuteness over sexieness any day."
"cute is better than sexy"
"Some awkwardness/goofiness in their personality or even appearance. Because I perceive myself to be somewhat awkward, so I guess it makes them seem approachable if they're not like perfectly put-together and serious about life. Hard to describe but I know it once I hang out with someone like "yep, this is my type of person".
A Little Salt, A Little Pepper
"Grey hair"
"I'm truly shocked on a daily basis how many people compliment my hair that's turning grey! I'm 32 and have two giant patches (one on my left temple, one streaking through my side swept bangs) & refuse to dye it. I don't wanna keep it up. I'm too lazy for that!"
Let Me In On The Secret...
"Being shy or a little closed off. Like what are you hiding, I want to know."
"This is how I met and fell in love with my fiancee."
"She was quite shy and quiet in group settings, and I was curious so I kept talking to her on the side of our group's convos and she was actually pretty cool"
Our society has a few classic physical descriptions we typically associate with "attractive." While not everyone buys in to them, there's enough repetition to start to think of it as the standard. Thankfully, those who don't buy in to traditional norms of beauty have their own interests they pursue in a mate.
Nice To Hear The Reassurance
"Small boobs"
"From all the men with small boobs, thank you!"
"This actually made me smile. Even tho my boyfriend always tells me mine are fine, it feels more comforting hearing it from other people. I feel like I always need reassurance with my ittybittytitties cuz dudes bullied me so much for it"
The Signs Of Exhaustion
"Dark under eyes"
"Well this I certainly was not expecting to see this in the top comments. Thank you from someone who has always felt insecure about their dark under eyes"
Character And Depth
"Crooked teeth. Perfectly straight teeth freak me out, I like a smile with character. Or one canine that sticks out just a little."
"Also brown eyes are absolutely gorgeous, they get a bad rap for being "boring" but seriously- look at any brown-eyed person up close next time you see them. There's so much depth and the color variety is ridiculous. I love brown eyes so f-cking much."
A Little Something To Love
"A little extra weight. Not fat, just some extra. I've always liked it and don't know why."
"I love women who are slightly plump. A little extra weight is incredibly sexy."
Whatever it might be about that person, what they're doing, what they're saying, how they look, whatever, it catches your eye and won't let you go.
Why Speak When Everyone Else Can?
"Quiet. I always loved that about my husband. Doesn't need to impress anyone. Just quietly confident. And I absolutely love it. Was the first thing I noticed about him."
Little Bits Add Up To Something Grand
"I seem to have a thing for larger/more prominent noses as well as messy hair."
"Small imperfections, like scars or "mild" acne, also seem to be super attractive for me."
"My current boyfriend doesn't have many imperfections and has almost flawless skin apart from a small almost unnoticeable scar near his chin. For some reason, it's extra hot when he's not shaved for longer than usual because of the messy look it adds to him."
"They can't be too pristine or I'm just not interested. The guys with "flaws" are just the hottest to me"
Tough Enough To Do What He Likes
"I don't wanna say typically, cause I know lots of people who agree with me, but also lots who disagree. I love a man whose secure enough in his masculinity to enjoy/participate in traditionally "feminine" things. I had an ex who ended up being mostly awful BUT he liked decorating with me, cooking/baking, and let me do his eyebrows and buy him better quality grooming products without being overly macho about it. One time he also let me put makeup on him cause I was bored and even though he didn't leave the house like that it was a fun experience lol. That quality was one of my favorite things about him."
Know what you want then go out and find it. Be honest with yourself. You'll be surprised what kind of bonds you can form if you let yourself like what you like.
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