There are some things that people get really opinionated about in other people's lives, from how they parent to how they spend their money.
But a big one is how they exist in their relationships, especially if their romantic relationship looks different than the average.
Interested in talking about one key relationship element, Redditor AlarmingBuy4702 asked:
"What are your thoughts about couples that live separately or sleep in separate bedrooms with different bathrooms?"
Quality of Sleep
"I 100% recommend it. My wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms probably seven years ago. At first, we felt guilty about it, as if there was something wrong with our marriage, but the fact is, we are both light sleepers, and my wife likes to zone out on her phone in bed, which kept me awake, and I would start to get anxious about getting enough sleep."
"I tossed and turned a lot and would keep waking her up, and if I got up to pee at night, she would wake up and have a hard time going to sleep again. We even invested in a king-size bed, which only yielded a marginal improvement in our sleep quality."
"Then someone gave us a queen-sized bed which we put in our guest room, and I started sleeping there, and instantly our quality of sleep and quality of life improved. It took a long time until we told anyone about it because we didn't want to be judged but now, we have made peace with it."
- dirtybadgermtb
Personal Space
"Sometimes it's just comforting to know you have your own space. My sister and her husband have separate rooms, she made her own bedroom up and I've noticed fewer fights between them. She needs her own space and quiet time sometimes and it helps."
"It makes sense to me. Also totally cool that couples share a bed. Whatever works to bring you together and sometimes that is being apart."
- mydogispolly
Health Concerns
"Due to health issues, we both sleep better separately. This doesn’t mean we never sleep together, but if either of us is having trouble sleeping it’s nice to have an option. Regarding bathrooms, so many arguments are avoided by having your own."
- loquacious_avenger
For His Safety
"Thanks to ADHD, my husband basically hosts a dance party in his room every night. Blasting music PLUS the TV on, room set to penguin temperatures, plus he rotates in bed non-stop like a chicken on a rotisserie."
"Separate bedrooms prevent me from murdering him."
- OnlyPaperListens
Misery Loves Company
"A word of warning about the CPAP machines. As they age they get louder. It doesn't bother me, because the noise is in response to my breathing, so it's 'my noise.'"
"But it does bother my wife. So I'm now on my second, after about six years or so. The guy told me that this is normal, and insurance 'paid' for it."
"I've also got occasional restless legs and my wife has some level of insomnia, so I have my old CPAP set up in the guest room for when I 'go for a run" at night and waken her.'"
- phred14
Pandemic Together
"Separate bedrooms 100% saved my relationship during the pandemic. I have a CPAP and we have two bedrooms. During the lockdown, having a private space meant that we could just have that little bit of separation. If we were on top of each other 24 hours for months on end, we would have lost it completely."
"It is odd how during the one time when we were isolated from the world, we needed separation. Human brains are weird. But I think it was more that we needed variation. Where most couples had 'together,' we had a really well-defined 'together' and 'alone.'"
- Vermathorax
TV Troubles
"I dumped a girl because she refused to turn the TV in the bedroom off. If I shut it off after she fell asleep, she'd wake up later and turn it back on."
- Snatch_Pastry
No Ambiguity
"We were worried at first (you know sex life stuff) but found 'visiting' was kinda more fun and definite. You definitely know why your spouse slips into bed with you when you have separate rooms."
- algy888
Opposite Schedules
"My wife and I do this. It originally started because we worked opposite schedules. Absolutely the best thing for our marriage."
"We snuggle in bed together before sleeping, and still have plenty of physical intimacy but at the same time both get to have the best sleep possible we can have in our own beds."
- Muhjigger11998823
At least two blankets
"We never took it so far that we sleep in a different bed, but we sleep with our own blankets and it’s f**king life-changing."
- eyanez13
Different Styles and Preferences
"I sleep in my bed of rocks, with my rock pillow. Only the thinnest sheet or I will wake up drenched in sweat. I'm 6'2, 240, and my gravitational pull would be disastrous for my wife."
"My 5'0 110 pounds wife sleeps in a marshmallow with 7 thousand pillows and 52 cushions, nesting between six duvets, with a room temperature good enough to make bread. It takes me half an hour every morning to dig her up from the softest rubble to get her out of bed."
"I snore. She kicks and elbows like a Muay Thai champion."
"Her bathroom has enough potions and jars that OSHA has written her several warnings. Her shampoos, plural sorely needed, smell like brunch. My bathroom needs, and has, a forced ventilation system large enough that she could easily be sucked into the vents."
"Hope that is enough detail."
- JamesJakes000
Different Needs
"As a petite wife of a large man that could set the bed on fire with his body heat and snores, causing the house to shake, I get it. I love my heating pad, two down comforters, weighted blanket, and three cats."
"We are comfy in our nest and my husband is happy in his, with one sheet and four pillows. However, we compromise and share the master bathroom. It works well, for nearly 50 years!"
- Takilove
Kids Sometimes Included
"My wife and son sleep in one room, and I sleep in another. Mostly started because I snore so badly."
"We're cosleepers. Say what you want, I don't care. We used to all sleep in the same bed but my wife and son used to always wake me up because I snore so badly. I tried sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a while but that just made it harder for them to hit me with pillows."
"Now I sleep in what will be my son's bedroom and it f**king rocks. Pitch black, cold, quiet. I sleep like a baby every night and so do they."
"I miss sleeping in the same room with them but sh*t, sleeping great is worth it."
- A_Naany_Mousse
The Cost of Living
"I have married friends who live in San Francisco and they have their own apartments around the corner from each other. It is cheaper than getting one bigger apartment because of rent control."
"They also have crazy sleep habits that annoy the other. Anyway, they’ve been happily married for 20 years now."
- RequirementRare5014
100% Recommend
"If you have or can create the space, give it a try, it can be amazing. And it doesn't have to mean you don't visit each other's spaces."
"My husband and I frequently do, but spend most nights mostly apart, so we get snuggling time when we want but also my tossing and turning at 1 AM plus his snoring at 3 AM plus my inability to fall back asleep easily plus him being easily awoken plus our necessary early morning starts doesn't turn into 'well, then nobody actually got to sleep.'"
"I forgot how great separate sleeping areas were until we went on vacation recently, but was quickly reminded."
- InannasPocket
While the Redditor who started the conversation may have expected more judgment against couples who do not sleep together, they were pleasantly surprised to see how common these sleeping arrangements are.
Though not everyone may be ready to share where they sleep in relationship to their partner, due to feeling like they'll be judged for it, it seems people at least know that this is an option for them.
Married Couples Who Sleep In Separate Rooms Explain Why They Came To The Agreement
There are plenty of reasons why couples might choose to have separate rooms: one or both snore, they like different mattress styles, opposite work shifts, etc...
Some folks just really like sleeping alone.
Separate rooms don't necessarily mean the relationship is on the rocks, oftentimes it's the exact opposite.
The couple have communicated and decided that separate rooms are what they need to be happy.
Redditor Dalewin asked:
"Married couples who sleep in separate rooms, why do you do this?"
Tidyness
"Several reasons. I like a clean and minimalistic bedroom, sleeping in a messy room stresses me out, my husband is messy and leaves piles of stuff. Mess and visual chaos don't bother him at all."
"He gets up a 5am, I go to bed late as I am in grad school and am often up until midnight studying."
"Also, I snore, tend to toss and turn when I sleep, and he is a light sleeper."
"After his daughter moved out I started sleeping in her room. We no longer argue about his mess or me waking him up all night long, and both get better sleep."
Early To Rise
"My parents do this because dad gets up with the birds every morning (5am) and mum would always wake up when he did and wouldn't be able to get back to sleep."
"She says it probably saved their marriage too (although they are the strongest couple I know haha)!"
Night Shift
"For five years I worked nights. So when we moved to this house I took the little room upstairs. It's big enough for a twin bed and a nightstand. At least it has a closet."
"Now I'm on a schedule closer to the family's but I'm keeping my room. I go to bed before they do."
Open Relationships
"I snore pretty badly and am trying to get it under control."
"2nd, we are non monogamous, so we have other partners that we'd like to share our bedroom with, without having to inconvenience the other."
"So separate bedrooms work for us."
It Depends
"Sometimes my GF and I sleep in different rooms, and the reasons often differ."
"Did I eat a big bean burrito earlier? Separate rooms. Just an example."
"Also, unless your bed is massive, sleeping with someone next to you can make it more difficult to sleep. Yes, sleeping together is romantic. But getting good sleep is more romantic."
Illness
"My wife has MS - one of the primary issues she has is vertigo. When I'm in the bed with her, the motion of my breathing/heartbeat/movement really screws with her vertigo while she sleeps."
"Also, I snore, so an isolated coil mattress wouldn't quite do it (they aren't total isolation, either, you feel movement) or two beds in one room."
"Also, honestly, it spices up the sex life. Adds an element of pursuit and some illicit atmosphere to it, we're sneaking around the house to each other's beds to bang."
Cycles
"My parents slept in separate beds as did my great grandparents. For my great grandparents it was a comfort thing. Grandma didn't like not being able to move around the bed at will. She and grandpa loved each other dearly and she passed not long after he did because she missed him so much."
"For my parents it was a couple things. As my dad aged his sleep cycle went weird. He would be able to sleep a couple hours and then be up half the night and fall asleep again about the time my mom was getting up for work."
"Also my mom has sleep apnea and uses a cpap. It made hella noise back then. Dad was half deaf and the sound still bothered him. Out of respect for each other they decided it was better to have separate bedrooms."
Sawing Logs
"Spouse snores, two 60 pound dogs, and a queen size bed. No room for me and I need dead silence."
Neighbors
"My step mother's parents took this to a new level."
"He built a second house next door. They lived next to each other for 20 years before they both passed in a short amount of time."
"It seemed very odd to me, but it worked for them. At least from an outside perspective. I know images never reflect reality."
Earplugs Needed
"Girlfriend's parents do this. They both snore and do it to get away from each other's snoring."
"I didn't think it was that bad until they talked about having to sleep in the same bed during their trip in Europe. They were at each other's throats because if one fell asleep, the other couldn't."
Scheduling
"My grandparents do this. My grandfather built a small apartment on the second floor of their house. They do it because they have different sleep schedules and in general they spend much of the day apart because they like it that way."
"But they always eat lunch and dinner together, and my grandfather loves to listen to her soft footsteps throughout the day. He calls her “the woman next door.” It’s really cute."
Habits
"My parents do this."
"My Mom likes to sleep with the TV on, my Dad snores and steals sheets."
"My mother claims sleeping separately saved their marriage."
Lighting
"I have a hard time falling asleep without something to distract my brain from thinking."
"I usually watch a show/documentary or do some repetitive game on my phone to accomplish this."
"She can’t stand the lights from the screen."
-Syk018
Wind
"During the Summer I move to another room we call "the wind tunnel". Basically I have a ceiling fan going almost 24/7 and a window fan above the bed I run from 7pm-8am."
"She has allergies and easily gets runny nose and sneezes from any moving air. My body temp will skyrocket and I'll sweat like crazy in a room devoid of moving air."
"So she sleeps in a stuffy no air movement master bedroom and I sleep soundly in the Wind Tunnel."
"During the winter I move back, cause then I become the ultimate body warmer for her."
Movement
"Lol. I do this. I am an absolute terrible person to share a bed with. I snore like a passing semi truck and apparently (I'm told) flail wildly in my sleep."
"When we first got married I kept waking up to an empty bed. She would join me for an hour until I was asleep, then retreat to the couch. After a week or two I got fed up and just went to the couch first."
"Then started several months of us trading off for the couch. Eventually I just went and bought a twin mattress and tossed it in the office. That became my bed. And when we got a bigger house, I just setup in a separate room."
No Sleepovers
"We blended two households. His bedroom was fully furnished and the furniture and closet were full. It made sense for my stuff to go in a different bedroom."
"We started out sleeping in one room or the other but I realized pretty quickly that, if I ever wanted to get a full night's sleep, it wasn't going to be in the same bed with him. I've been known to call him a sweating, snoring, slant sleeping sonofab*tch after a night of his sweating, snoring, and slant sleeping."
"We do a "your place or mine" thing for nonsleeping activities but gtfo when it's sleepy time."
Sleep Ninja
"Sleep cycles and she violently tosses around. I've been asked by my commander if I got into a fight when I showed up to duty with a black eye."
"My ex once clocked me right in the temple. I had woken up a few seconds before and watched her try to grab the blanket to pull up over her shoulder, miss, and hit me closed fist."
Some Like It Hot
"My grandma and grandad do. She likes it freezing and he likes it boiling."
"Related but not: My grandparents may share a bed but they do have separate margarine containers. He’s a scraper; likes to keep the top of the margarine smooth. She just digs the knife in. They’ve been married 50 something years and have had this two margarine system for as long as I remember."
Sharing
"Not separate rooms, but a king bed and separate blankets. We sleep way better, I am a notorious blanket hog and he’s always hot when he sleeps. Then we can be close when we want to and separate when we need a good sleep."
Same Room...
"We're both 41, been married 23 years and sleep in different beds. First half of our marriage we always slept in the same bed (of course there was the occasional crying kid who wanted mommy to sleep with them, or falling asleep on the couch or somewhere else)."
"About ten years ago I spent a year working a midnight shift so I started to sleep on our spare bed in the basement. We both realized we had much better sleep separate in our own beds."
"After I went back to a day shift we went back to sleeping in the same bed and soon realized sleeping apart was more restful. Over time we bought two full size beds and put them in our bedroom (like the old TV shows). It's been great."
...Seperate Beds
"So a lot of comments about intimacy. Yeah we have sex, I'd say every bit as much as we ever did in the past.""
"We've been married over half our life so we are really good at knowing when fun time is going to happen. Sometimes we sleep in the same bed, there are no rules we have to sleep separately all the time."
"Our beds are about a foot apart and sometimes we slide them together, especially when the kids were younger and they'd end up in our room, along with the dog."
Sometimes a little distance is just what a relationship needs.
Do you have a similar experience to share? Let us know in the comments.