When it comes to succeeding in life, one of the most important qualities to possess is confidence. It sounds simple, but most of us can attest that it's not.
You can't be a confident person unless you love yourself. That may sound egotistical, but it's not. Self love is different from arrogance. Self love is all about accepting yourself as you are and being proud of who you are.
That's not to say you should be proud if you're not a decent person, but if you are trying your best, there's no reason not to love yourself. However, it's hard for a lot of us to love ourselves. Some of us find it even harder to do than others.
That knowledge is probably what prompted Redditor jeezburger69 to ask:
"What's holding you back from loving yourself?"
This Or That
"Indecisiveness. I can't pick a life choice and yet I see people my age and younger already way ahead because they knew what they wanted to do in life"
– Maagelo
"And when you do decide on something and start to follow through, you feel it's the wrong path and abandon it eventually?"
– Judeko
Do What You Wanna Do
"Not following my dreams and not respecting myself."
– Jaypack_
"If your dreams are still there you can follow them ! Courage !"
– OnTheGoodSideofLife
Block Out The Noise
"A part of me that's holding onto all the shitty things people said to me as a teenager, and also my tendency to compare myself."
"Still trying to work on myself to let go of all that, hoping one day I'll get there:)"
– Ambitious_Angel
"Internalizing the opinions of shitty people from school days. They're not the kind of people I'd ever listen to now, but the fact they got to say awful things when I was young meant it's absolutely stuck in there for good now."
"Such a neat feature of the brain"
– ShowAndNoTell
Emotional Instability
"I really don’t know if other people have problems like this but I just feel so distant with everything and everyone I interact with. I have a slightly different personality for every person I talk to and I hate it so much. That issues stems from the fact, I just feel like I don’t have any emotions at all. I can’t remember the last time I was happy, sad, angry, or content. My emotions just feel like a melancholic state of nothing 24/7 and I hate it so much."
– cutecoochielice4
Uncooperative Brain
"I feel that I'm not intelligent, I have the worst memory so it doesn't help. I have body dysmorphia and insecurities that I can't hide when communicating with others face to face. I always think people are judging me when talking to them, but I'm the one doing that everyday. These days I even feel unmotivated and want to quit somethings but I'm literally forcing my happiness to not dissapoint others. I feel that I'm not living for me anymore. I'm just barely surviving."
– ad10177
Self-Toxicity
"Standards I’d never hold anyone else to. I talk to myself in a way I’d also never allow anyone else to as well."
– Rabies182
"This. It's toxic and crippling and so damn hard to stop. I feel you because I'm the same way. Wishing you the best"
– kylekuzman
Stuck In The Past
"I keep remembering what I was like before, it holds me back from having a clean slate"
– Na215
Inability To Fulfill Goals
"Not being able to fulfill your determinations and ambitions sometimes hurts and one starts hating himself for it"
– musanifshah3010
Physical Appearance
"i think i’m fat and disgusting to look at"
– Weak-Letterhead8309
"I feel this in my soul."
– Upper_Knowledge7706
Inability To Fulfill Goals
"Genuine contempt for the world. I was raised in a violent, abusive environment and it left a lot of marks. It's easy to not feel much now, which has helped as much as it's caused problems. I can love other people, I think. But not myself."
– jam_consumer
Sometimes, it can be hard to get over whatever is holding you back from seeing the good inside yourself, whether it's the comments others made about you or the flaws you see in youtself.
However, all anyone can ask of us is to try our best and be a good person. Ask for help when you need it, stand up for yourself when it the situation warrants it, and don't let anyone else tell you who or what you are.
Self-esteem is our overall sense of worth, value, and how much we appreciate ourselves. Our self-esteem impacts our self-confidence, feeling of security, sense of identity and belonging, and our feeling of competence.
A low self-esteem can keep us from reaching our full potential. A whole lot of things can cause feelings of inadequacy, like poor childhood experiences with parents, failing grades, financial or relationship issues, or ongoing mental or physical health issues.
However, there are certainly ways to raise your self-esteem even when you're struggling.
Redditor Notsofastboe asked:
"How did you achieve higher self-esteem?"
Hopefully, we can take a few pointers from those who were able to achieve high self-esteem.
Everyone has their own thing going on.
"A few things."
"Being asked at a CBT class if anyone had gone to a restaurant or fast food outlet. Some of us put our hands up. We were then asked to describe who else was there. Of course we couldn't."
"Giving up smoking. At work a fellow smoker wished me the best of luck. Next day offered me a smoke."
"Going to my local shop for years and always buying the same thing. Then one day I asked for "the usual' and the lady on the till, who had served for years, had no idea what I meant."
"Which all took away the feeling that people are talking about me or judging me. Everybody has their own thing going on. So stop worrying and enjoy your life."
- New-Ad3222
"I like the realization of 'The usual, please' means a lot less to them than it does to you. Good to have learned from those experiences! I know I did."
- schofield101
"Like my father always told me: everything YOU think people think of you, is stuff YOU made up yourself."
- Kapot_ei
"Absolutely true. Part of CBT is about 'mind reading.' The exercise being looking at a bit of film with no sound and guessing what was going on. We all got it completely wrong of course."
"You just don't know."
- New-Ad3222
Get out of that toxic relationship.
- "Getting out of that toxic relationship I was in for eight months"
- "Finding new hobbies and growing my hair out"
- "Realizing that I can be myself without worrying about anyone disapproving of me, celebrating being single"
- "Listening to my own music, appreciating my own art, realizing that even if I hate some things about myself, I have so much to look forward to"
"Also 4 is the best way, Is such a great feeling to be happy with your own work."
- OUTRAGE_SWAMPERT
It's a process.
"It's like an iterative design process."
"You start by one day deciding on a project, in this case caring about yourself."
"So you start on a rough draft. This can be little things like making sure to brush your teeth, eat well, or get some exercise. Small things, not huge changes. These are taking care of yourself in little ways, setting the groundwork."
"Eventually you start to feel a bit more confident, and you add more to the design. You might realize you don't like exercise routines, so you find a hobby you do like. You slowly take better care of yourself and find more things you like about yourself. You find a passion, something you like and are confident in, and embrace it."
"Eventually, you learn that loving yourself matters more than what others think. You may drop some of the attempted ideas along the way, but the goal never changed. You made yourself better and learned to love yourself."
- TucuReborn
Tricking your mind into believing it's true.
"I think the whole fake it till you make it thing is what worked for me. I still struggle a lot with self esteem but after trying to act more confidently and putting myself outside of my comfort zone I kind of saw that heaps of people are doing the same thing."
"I've opened up about my insecurities to people and have been surprised about the amount of people who have related and shared similar stories, many people who I had assumed had everything figured out."
"A large amount of people in society find it hard and weird navigating this weird world we live in, even the most confident people that you run into have probably got their own sh*t they feel awkward and self conscious about."
- spoonforkbigdork
Don't believe what toxic masculinity will tell you.
"I use to think I was ugly all my life, seriously low confidence. It wasn't until I saw a girl on Omegle around my age who told me I looked cute did I achieve an extreme higher self-esteem in myself."
"A little tip for people, don't listen to toxic masculinity, the truth is most men are so insecure about themselves that one little positive comment about basically any attributes to them could hold a special memory and boost their self-esteem."
- Did-1-Ask-You
Seek approval from yourself, not others.
"One thing I took time to focus on was rather than trying to please others, I tried pleasing myself first."
"When cooking a meal for my family, I'd cook once beforehand to see if I liked it. Adjusted it to my tastes and then I cooked for everyone (eventually, it was a hard step) and I knew that because I liked it, it must be decent. Lo and behold they all loved it!"
"Once you stop seeking affirmation from other people, and look to yourself, you realise you're worth a LOT more than you give yourself credit for."
"Other people have also commented some good points, but the long and short is you just need to please yourself. Pleasing others comes as a by-product of being good to yourself and kind in general."
- schofield101
Just being yourself.
In short:
"By not giving a sh*t and being me."
- WhoEatsStinkyBudussy
Though it may seem like a difficult thing to achieve, higher self-esteem comes with time and dedication to yourself.
You're worth that time and energy.
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Social insecurity, a largely silent and internal weight, can't help but rear its head for the external world every so often.
Or for some, it comes out pretty regularly.
And that makes for a vicious cycle.
The socially anxious person, already struggling with low self-esteem, performs some subtle--yet very noticeable--behavior that only causes them to dig further into that hole.
Just how obvious are those warning signs?
A recent Reddit thread made that pretty clear.
dudeARama2 asked, "What screams 'I have low self esteem?' "
For some people, the insecurity came out because it'd been dominating their entire, internal worldview for so long that it colored their reality.
A thing said, a passing feeling, or the nonchalant action of a friend were all enough to throw them off.
A Sudden Interrogation
"What do you mean? Why are you asking? Has anyone said something about me? Is it because I gained weight?" -- DocTymc
"My favorite, 'I lost weight recently can't you tell? My friends said I looked thinner in my face.' "
"Me: 'Damn Kris can I get a hello first.' " -- bigblueberryboobies
Center of it All
"Thinking that every time someone laughs it's because they're laughing at you or making fun of you" -- Massive_Corgi5532
"My worst nightmare. Walking past a group of teens and they start laughing." -- SnR_Remito
"The real doozy is when someone is looking even vaguely in your direction when laughing and your brain immediately goes into the fun world of paranoia" -- HuanTheMango
Selective Listening
"Thinking that everything bad someone tells you is true, but the second someone complements you, you just can't seem to accept it." -- PansPersonCrazy
"Wait, somebody actually likes me AND thinks I'm attractive? Okay but, what's wrong with them?" -- Lanko
A Daily Obsession
"Being excessively concerned with how others perceive you." -- fermat1432
" 'We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.' -Marcus Aurelius" -- mysterybiscuit
Other people talked about the not-so-subtle behaviors of people with low self-esteem. The coping mechanisms are more obvious than we'd like to think.
Presumed Guilty
"Somebody who apologizes frequently, even for things that aren't their fault. I've apologized to inanimate objects before." -- Ermaquillz
"Apologizing for talking. Apologizing for not talking. Apologizing for apologizing. Apologizing for being alive." -- Ectophylla_alba
"Well l, I'm sorry but that's totally me." -- Captainspazzma
Beat Them to the Punch
"Someone who talks themselves down a lot. It's a way for them to protect themselves from the insults of others" -- aardbei123
"Self-effacing humor is fun in small amounts, but if people are constantly making "jokes" about their own flaws, they're probably actually internalizing a lot of it." -- Notmiefault
Avoid, Avoid, Avoid
"Not being able to speak looking at other people face or eyes, something I say by experience, you just start to think they may judge you, or may notice that pimple, or how bad u have your hair in that moment, or your nose form. It's like if I don't see their faces they won't see my defects."
"I don't know if I explained my self well." -- Coque379
Some, however, went on the offense.
Their insecurities pushed them to fire the first shot across the bow, if you will. Unfortunately, nobody was buying the performance.
Down to their Level
"Putting down other's hobbies because you are insecure about yours/don't have any" -- FROGS_and_PLANTS
"I cross stitch, and some of my pieces are very intricate and take a long time. I am really proud of them, and the focus it takes to complete them."
"I had a date tell me that cross stitch was the most useless hobby he had every heard of, and I was just flabbergasted. First off, why do hobbies have to be 'useful'? Secondly, it provides me with entertainment for a long time, and it then serves as decoration! But even without all that, if I enjoy it, why try and take that away from me?"
Painting a Picture
"People who brag about themselves all the time. So damn insecure and trying to tell people how to see them" -- Kir-ius
"I know someone like this. She's always bragging about how everyone loves her, but the second I get a compliment she's quick to get all eyes and ears on her again. I'm just now realizing this too, I used to look up to her a lot. But now I just feel bad for her bc she needs so much validation." -- msbeliever8
Fantasies
"Lying about their lives. There is nothing more sad than catching a person lying about their life (finances, romantic relationships etc.) just to get attention and validation." -- o_oana
"I went to school with a girl who told various lies. She was homeless and captured pigeons for dinner, she was a trained clown, her mom was paraplegic and wheelchair bound among others, but then graduation rolls around and guess who shows up? Mom, and she is not in a wheelchair. Someone in class declares 'it's a miracle!!' "
"But wasn't my face red a few years later when I went to a Busking Festival and I saw Lying Girl painted up as a clown. She was pretty good, excellent balloon animals." -- NewToSociety
It's the perfect storm: being seen in a bad light is the worst nightmare of a person with low-self esteem. And yet, the coping mechanisms broadcast it loud and clear.
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Boyfriend Catches GF Worsening Her Injuries For Sympathy, And Seeks Advice
Millions of people struggle with self-harm every single day. Their reasons are as varied and unique as they are. it's a dangerous tendency that people absolutely can overcome, but it requires a lot of work and support. Having said that, the self-harming person has to be willing to accept that help.
What do you do when you catch a loved one hurting themselves but they refuse to acknowledge it?
That's the position one Reddit found himself in when he posted asking for advice:
My girlfriend Lacy and I have been dating 2 years. She's a lovely person and we make a great couple.
Two weeks ago Lacy and I went downhill skiing. I'm an experienced skier and she had only been once before. I admit I pushed her abilities and lo and behold, she wiped out pretty hard. She wasn't seriously hurt or anything and got right back up with a smile on her face.
Her legs got pretty bruised up from the fall (she was wearing only thin workout leggings since it was quite warm out). It looks like someone splashed green paint on her, if that makes sense. And she has a particularly nasty big purple one on her thigh.
Lacy has always been the type to show off injuries. For as long as I've known her she has always showed me even the tiniest of bruises either for sympathy or attention (like she would say it was shaped as Texas or something). She has some body image issues and I know that she really likes the attention so I will usually give it to her no problem.
Yesterday though I came home from work early (power went out at my building). I walked in pretty quietly as I usually do and went straight to our bedroom. I could hear music coming from it and wanted to greet her.
I basically opened the door and saw her with a hammer in her hands mid hit. The hammer hit her bruised leg the moment I walked in. It was absolutely surreal and I admit - I freaked out a bit. I went to her and took the hammer and started asking her what she was doing?
She freaked out right back and told me that she was rubbing the blood vessels or something to make the bruises go away faster. I knew this was bullshit right away since you don't "rub" by smacking yourself with a fricken hammer.
She left after I told her I didn't believe her and texted me shortly after to say she was going home for a few days.
I sat down on the bed with that hammer in my hands for like an hour completely floored. I know it sounds crazy but she hit herself hard. I've seen those bruises every day and now that I've seen her do this I am thinking that it was weird that they haven't gotten even the slightest bit lighter despite it being two weeks now.
I know she has some issues but I would never have thought she would hurt herself.
Reddit, I'm freaked out. She will be back tomorrow. How do I talk to her about this?
Users were surprisingly open with their responses. People gave advice and even shared stories of their own self-harming experiences. If that sort of thing is difficult or triggering for you to read, you may want to move on to another article. For the rest of you, here are some of the top responses. Some have been edited for content or clarity.
H/T: Reddit