Reddit user glycerne asked: 'People who divorced, what was the final straw for you?'
When we think of two people getting married, we like to imagine it being the first day of their happily ever after story.
But some of these stories don't end happily, because their marriage was just a chapter in their story. And the reasons why these chapters end can be shocking at times.
Redditor glycerne asked:
"People who divorced, what was the final straw for you?"
"When I realized they weren’t trying to fix anything in the relationship, but were actively trying to make things worse. Turns out couples therapy was weaponized."
"It’s pretty sad how many people agree to couples therapy just so they can try to use the therapist's words to win arguments."
The Annoying Partner
"When I realized they found every single thing I did to be annoying. The way I walk, talk, eat, sit, you name it. Other people seem to like me so I'd rather hang with them."
"There’s nothing worse in the world when this happens from someone that used to see you the opposite way, through a lens of infatuation, where everything you did was a cute quirk."
Married Just Because
"I knew my first marriage was over when I'd come home from work and see her car in the driveway and sigh to myself because I didn't want her to be there."
"We were young, early 20s with two kids. I wasn't really in love with her. It was more of in love with the idea of being married, starting a family, etc."
"I tried to stick it out because that's what I thought you were supposed to do."
"After about another year, she asked for a divorce. I didn't want to be divorced, but I didn't want to be married to her, either. In the end, it was better that we got divorced."
The Malicious Partner
"I started running to help me lose weight. It was very successful."
"I got fit and skinny and he couldn’t deal with other men looking at me in public."
"It got so bad, I would look at the pavement if we were out somewhere, because if I happened to be looking up and some random guy crossed my field of vision, I would get berated, like, 'That guy was looking at you. What did you do? You were flirting with him in front of me.'"
"I was 'in trouble' simply for existing."
"As bad as that was, the 'last straw' came one morning when I was about to head out for a long run. I was in our kitchen putting on a hat and gloves and he said, 'You’re really looking forward to this, aren’t you?'"
"I said, 'Well, yeah.'"
"As I went out the back door, he said in a nasty, hateful voice oozing malice and condescension, 'Well, go appease the running gods, then.'"
" The moment I closed the door behind me, standing on my back porch, I thought, 'That’s it. I can’t listen to that for the rest of my life. I’m done.'"
"Our marriage was running on fumes at that point anyway, but that was it. The moment that broke me. Later that day, I said I was done and wanted a divorce."
"I’m coming up on 15 years since that moment and I don’t regret ending my marriage for one second."
"I knew when our marriage counselor told me divorce was something the kids and I could work through but the never-ending H**L from my partner was not."
"I had a counselor tell me this. I didn’t believe her. Couldn’t believe her. Yet, she was correct. Everything regarding my relationship with my kids is better. Everything."
The Cowardly Partner
"The told me the only reason they hadn’t already left was because they were a coward. I’m not."
Their Dating Life
"When he started dating but forgot to tell me, his wife of ten years."
"Same, although a husband of ten years."
"I found the pictures on her laptop on Easter morning while she had taken our two kids to the neighborhood park. Easter was a rough holiday for a couple of years after that. I'm much better now."
An Expensive Gift
"When I discovered he had spent a fortune on a necklace and he didn’t give it to me on Christmas Day."
"We had two very small children and no spare money so I was a little bit put out that he had spent so much money on me... but it wasn’t for me."
"It was a horrific Christmas. I went to the bank to check on other things to find he had forged all my details and taken me off the joint bank account. And I didn’t see any of it coming."
"I left with my children and the clothes we stood up in. It was soooo hard but we are okay now."
The Unsupportive Partner
"I’m very family oriented. We went on a family vacation and he told me what a bad mother and wife I was because I wasn’t catering enough to his needs (I was helping everyone pack their clothes and food, I packed the car, and he didn’t help), and I forgot my son's milk (which was easily purchased the next morning)."
"There were so many more things but that was that."
"He still won’t sign the divorce papers."
"I've been researching this because I’m unfortunately likely going to be getting a divorce soon."
"In my state, the papers need to be served and then the other party has 60 days to respond. If they don’t respond, it just defaults to the person filing as 'winning.'"
"It’s like most lawsuits. If you don’t respond after being properly served, you’ll lose by default."
The Projecting Partner
"It was when he told me he didn't think I had ever loved him."
"We had been married for 10 years, and we had two children together. I had stood by his side as he spiraled into depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, I had forgiven him for multiple affairs, and dropped out of school to support our family when he abruptly quit his job citing mental health concerns."
"Yet after all this, he was convinced I had 'never' loved him."
"And I realized that it was all projection. No one wants to be the bad guy in their own story, and he couldn't face that he didn't want the life we had built, so he concocted a story in his head that shifted the blame to me, and decided I had never loved him."
"I had withstood an awful lot in what had become a very toxic environment, but in that moment, I knew I had to leave. No point in sticking around to try to convince someone you love them if they have determined you don't."
"I took off my ring that day, and never put it back on."
When the Grass Is Greener
"When I found on his phone that he was complimenting this woman on how wonderful a mother she was because her sick kid got better."
"He had spent ten years telling me how lazy, useless, and worthless I was, even though I did 99% of everything at home including all the childcare. Yet he could be nice to this woman, he was actually capable of kindness and compliments."
"He was also sexting her but I felt mostly betrayed by him giving attention and kindness to someone while being a complete d-bag to me."
Never Good Enough
"He told me constantly that my career (the one I’d met him in) was pointless and I didn’t contribute anything."
"So I spent years re-training for a different career and was promoted after a year, way ahead of expected schedule, to a leadership position."
"He didn’t want me to take it and made it clear that he didn’t think I could do it, but I took it anyway."
"Then I was earning more money than him and working about 60 hours per week, and he complained the house looked like crap."
"I agreed and suggested that we got a cleaner now I could afford it."
"He told me, 'This house isn’t big enough to justify a cleaner. You should be able to deal with it.'"
"I realized I’d never be anything but an inconvenience to him. He didn’t actually want me to be successful, just a housewife, even though he seemed to hate that too. I couldn’t win. So I left."
"(Now I'm very happily remarried to my biggest cheerleader.)"
The Not-So-Peaceful Home
"I felt sick to my stomach and anxious all the time. That 'walking on eggshells' feeling. When I realized after she went back to work part-time that the highlight of my life was when she was not there but I was home alone with our daughter."
"It was so hard because I had to give up being with my child full-time, but after many bumpy years our shared custody is pretty fair, and we really don’t have much animosity left between us."
The Unfaithful Partner
"She started hanging out with her manager from work where she used to work. Lunches, brunches, dinners, and drinks. She would tell me I wouldn’t understand what they were talking about since it was work-related and we were working in different fields."
"No problem. I trusted her until one day while she was seated on her sofa and I was cooking, I went to make her try her favorite food, and I saw a message from the guy along the lines of, 'I'm so happy you’ve had your lunch, beautiful.'"
"When confronted, I was told he was just a friend and nothing else."
"I told her it’s been eating me up inside, because it made me feel uncomfortable that she’s spending so much time with him and he’s clearly flirting. I asked her how would It feel if the roles were reversed and I was spending eight hours at their place. I was told that it was okay because that’s my best friend."
"Fast forward a couple of months, and I was seeing my parents for the first time in nine years. I was super elated."
"That was when she dropped the bomb that she wanted a divorce. She left the entire mortgage and debt on me and bounced."
"She moved in with the guy the same day she moved out, citing it would be cost-efficient. She makes six figures, by the way. She told me I could keep the house and in return pay her some money back."
"It's been the best eight or nine months of my life ever since. As it turns out, she was indeed cheating but couldn’t come to terms with telling me about it, so she bounced. It's weird how people who have been with you for 10 years tell you some of the most vile things known to man in order to gaslight you and break you down."
"Edited to add: A few people asked if they are still together. And apparently, they are. She told one of her ex-friends that they just got together but she was called out on it. So she cut ties with almost all of her friends, lol (laughing out loud)."
Better Without Them
"My first wife decided she doesn’t want to be married anymore and we separated."
"I moved away and got my life together, and she then decided that she wanted me back."
"I told her my life was fine as it is now and did not want to get back together."
"She sent me divorce papers a month later."
There are countless reasons why a relationship might not work out, but these Redditors definitely had some stories to tell.
Reddit user abigbearofaman asked: 'Women of reddit, what job would a man have that would be an automatic deal breaker for you?'
We've all heard the phrase, "to each their own," and one place this concept really applies is in relationships, what the couple's goals are, what they like to do, and what they dream of doing as a profession.
They also know what they don't want, including which careers would ultimately be a deal breaker if their partner were to suddenly start working in that profession.
Redditor abigbearofaman asked:
"Women of Reddit, what job would a man have that would be an automatic deal breaker for you?"
"A surgeon. A lot of the times they're on the clock 24 hours per day, seven days per week, and that's just too much to handle."
"I dumped a surgeon this year. He was a nice guy. But our plans were always canceled. My last straw was when we had a late-night date, we had sex at his place, then he immediately got up and started to get dressed."
"He was working in 30 minutes and he hadn't told me. Just f**k and run. It was the first (and only) time we had sex without condoms, too."
"I went home and ended things the next day. I realized I didn't want to live that way."
Chefs and Bartenders
"I’m a chef and I get it 100%."
"It takes a special person to be able to put up with the amount of time I’m not around. The group I work for is opening a new restaurant where I’m an owner, and that really ratcheted up the workload. It’s all in hopes of a better life on the other side in a few years."
"I make fantastic money for what I do, but it’s all about what will be and not what is at the moment."
"I do love my job and the people I’m around every day really add to my gratification. My now business partners are all successful industry people who are awesome to talk to about making it and that light at the end of the tunnel. They genuinely want everyone to be happy and successful and pay their employees fairly which is a rarity in this industry."
"However, the grind is real. I pray to be successful to allow myself a life I never thought I could have, and I’m more than halfway there."
"A side note would be that I am also the only chef in my group that is sober and actively takes care of themself and works out. Most I know allow alcohol to consume them and get stuck in this cycle of abuse and anxiety. It’s not an easy profession and it is less conducive than most careers when it comes to maintaining a healthy lifestyle."
"I'm glad to see Chef on the list. You can add Bartender to that list, as well."
"I have to semi-disagree on the chef. Don't date a WORKING chef. He's going to be in a s**tty mood after cooking all day for other people, and you'll either be cooking yourself or ordering out a lot because he damn sure won't want to cook at home."
"HOWEVER, I married a FORMER chef, as in he hasn't worked in a restaurant in years, and he does all the cooking in the house because he wants to,"
"Ladies, find yourself a Truck Driver. We make the best partner. You miss us, we come back, we start to annoy you when we are home, and we leave again."
"I don't know, man... the amount of truck drivers I see on Grindr that are just passing through makes me skeptical."
"I can’t be away from my partner for too long."
An Active Soldier
"An army soldier who is active on the ground or could be deployed any time."
"I’d be terrified of losing the man I love to the horror of war. I’d rather be alone. It is his decision to give up his life or sanity for war, but I just can’t be a partner and potential caregiver to someone like that."
"I already lost a happy childhood. I can’t sacrifice anymore."
"First responders (particularly police officers). That’s a boatload of trauma I’m not prepared to deal with (having dated someone with really bad PTSD on top of my own trauma, it really made things worse for my mental health)."
"Every time I’ve matched with one of them on Tinder, the following conversation gave me weird as f**k vibes."
"It takes a certain type of person to be a partner for someone in those professions, and that's not me."
"I’m a lawyer, and I’ve told my sister to avoid lawyers. Yes, people might hate lawyers, but so do we."
Social Media Influencers
"Man who likes men here but: SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER."
"Dating an influencer makes you a cameraman."
"I think I wouldn't mind handling the camera or the technical side of streaming and lighting. But I still don't think I'd want to spend that much time with an influencer."
"I went on ONE date with one. Never again. She documented the entire date and her personality while on camera was different than on so it was like being on a date with two people at the same time."
Specifically TikTok Influencers
"TikToker. They are just so incredibly NPC (Non-Player Characters)."
"I matched with one on Tinder once. He was a huge a**hole, and when I turned down his offer to hook up, he said, 'Do you know who I am?!' and went on this huge spiel about how famous he was."
"No real juicy story here. We just had super different lives and almost no common points of reference. He dropped out of high school to join the circus (yes, really) and I went to college, grad school, then worked at universities so he had basically no understanding of what my life was like."
"He also had some weird habits and fixations, he took on new hobbies not because he was genuinely interested but because he thought they made him interesting. Very much a drive to get attention. He viewed all animals as tools rather than pets and had a real disdain for horses after working with them."
"He was nearly 30 when we met and was living in an apartment for the first time ever because he'd been on the road for his entire adulthood. We just had extremely different lives and it was novel at first but then it wasn't."
Real Estate Agent
"Real Estate agent. Never again."
"I worked in sales for a number of years, and the number of ultra-competitive d-bags it attracts is unreal. I've always wondered if real estate isn't similar. Based on the presentation of some realtors, it looks worse, way, way worse."
"As a guy who dated a woman realtor. Yep, never again. In sales, you have to get used to white lies. That permeates into the relationship. Also, if they are dedicated to their job. That means they are never off."
"You want a nice dinner with them but a lead call comes in. Guess what's happening. Yep, they are taking the lead call. You end up playing second fiddle to their job."
"Personally, I wouldn't want to date anyone famous. Especially if they're someone who gets swarmed by fans."
"Anyone famous or public facing (actor, politician) because no matter how much you try to keep yourself private, you will be talked about in media. There are a few celebrity couples who have been pretty successful at drawing those lines (Dolly Parton and Carl Dean) but even the strongest lines are blurry to some degree."
"A life coach."
"Never again. I dated a former life coach and he'd say the most mundane s**t (or insights I'd already had, but phrased differently) and expect me to shower him with thanks and praise."
"By the time I left, he was trying to start an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing). Glad to be out of that one."
"It was rare for me to thank him when he exhibited this behavior. At one point, I remember looking at him silently after he said something obvious and he said, 'YOU'RE WELCOME.' Or he'd talk about how people go through their whole lives without knowing the earth-shattering (not) things he was telling me."
"I typically wasn't looking for advice anyway, but he just couldn't let go of thinking he had the (overly simplified) solutions to everyone's problems."
"Tradeshow sales, drop shipping. My friend does this and I've worked with him before. Everyone is on something, everyone spends the day lying, and no one minds scamming people. Your coworkers are always stealing and sleeping around. It's all so scummy."
"I would be fine dating someone who created their product, sold handmade goods or food. I would be fine with someone who was part of the entertainment at fairs, but not someone in the drop shipping side."
"Something religious. I'm an atheist, happy to be one, and have no interest in becoming an ex-atheist."
"I'm an Atheist, and I was once casually seeing a religious guy who eventually told me that it was his 'mission from god' to bring me back to the church."
"That was the last night we ever spoke."
No Job At All
"A lack of a job and zero desire to get one is a deal breaker for me."
"He could be 10/10 smoking hot but if he refuses to work and just sits on his a** all day playing video games and drinking, I’m out. A guy doesn’t have to make $60 an hour, but I’m in my 30’s. I need someone who has a job and is financially responsible. I’m not looking to be anyone’s sugar momma."
"I’m not talking about disabled people (legitimate reason to not work), people trying to find a job (I think we can all relate), or successful video game streamers. I’m talking about able-bodied guys who can work but refuse to even get even a part-time job out of pure laziness."
"I dated a guy like this once. We shared an apartment. I was working two jobs at the time, while he worked part-time but would call in for the stupidest reasons. 'I’m too tired.' 'My car won’t make it through the snow' (when there was 0.1' of snow on the ground)."
"He didn’t contribute, didn’t try to better himself, and he was content being a lazy sack of s**t. I left him. Now I’m doing great and he still depends on others to pay all his bills and expenses."
It's pretty clear why most of these are on the list after the Redditors explained their reasoning. A common occurrence is thinking a job sounds impressive, like being a Surgeon, without realizing what home life would be like with that person, leading ultimately to unhappiness.
Cheating is one of those actions in a relationship that is super divisive.
Most people are either dead-set against it or basically all about it.
But there are some who could understand how it could happen, and others who were willing enough to discuss what led them down that road of possibility, to begin with.
Redditor polyaprotic asked:
"People who cheated in a relationship, why?"
Adventures Gone Wrong
"He had a side chick who was my best friend (she thought we were in a poly relationship but it was just him who wanted us both) so I cheated on him with her and stole his side chick."
"I told him I’d be okay with it if it wasn’t just him who got to date my best friend and me and that us girls also got to date."
"He told her I was okay with it just being him dating us, even though it was really me she wanted to date and he was just an extra since I was dating him at the time."
"I stayed with her for a while, but we mutually decided we were better as friends and are still best friends to this day."
"25 years in the military working away, I never once cheated on my wife. But after leaving the military, I was so busy working and earning, we started to grow apart."
"We both knew it but crucially, I buried my head in the hopes things would get better."
"She had a brief affair, citing the gap between us as the reason. She never once talked to me or tried to improve things but then again neither did I."
"The difference being I still loved my wife but she fell out of love with me... look after what you have as you never know when it will be gone."
"I do blame myself. Yes, she had the affair and she owns that and the fallout from it, but I created the conditions that allowed it to happen. I knew things weren't okay."
"There is so much more in hindsight that I could have said or done but didn't. That is on me."
"I was young, selfish, and broken."
"It was a decision I made, selfishly, getting caught up in the heat of things and not taking someone I loved into consideration when I did it. Just outright generally being an a**hole all around, something I’ve thought about over the years and deeply regretted."
"Once you really hurt someone like that, it truly sticks in your mind and you never forget it."
"You can’t take it back, ya know? You can only make sure you never make such a terrible action again."
"Cheating is just a form of lying. It's not the cheating that's the problem, it's a symptom of a bigger problem which is lying."
One Similarity Between Bullying and Cheating: Self-Esteem
"I don’t think malice is usually the root of cheating, I think low self-esteem is. One can hate themselves so badly, that they cheat to prove to themselves that 'they still got it' or 'they win at life,' but it usually leads to just more drama, like they cheat to hurt someone else (that’s where malice comes in)."
"As for the person they cheat with… sometimes kind of the same thing… they hate themselves to the point of having to get the high of stealing what’s not theirs? 'One up' another man or woman, so to speak."
"Many times it’s the low self-esteem of lying to themselves that 'if it’s meant to be' or 'the cheater wouldn’t cheat if things weren’t really bad.' 'I’ve never felt this way before, it must be right,' etc. But in their heart, they know it’s trash reasoning, and they will feel like s**t in the end. Hurt people hurt themselves and others."
"And then of course, sometimes the person is just another victim of the cheater, who said she/he was single. And we all feel for that person, because they thought they met someone single and special, and it was doomed from the beginning."
"I dropped my best friend of 20 years when she became so desperate that she started entertaining the thought of affairs with married men I knew. She was never previously that type of woman… but she was hitting her late 20s, and just getting so desperate to find someone and settle down. I loved her as a friend, but I was no longer recognizing the girl I once knew."
"We as a society can’t preach but then stand by. Her act was selfish, and not only affected her but affected so many of our friends that knew the family. When I walked away, to my surprise, so did everybody. I felt bad for her, but I wasn’t going to be a part of a family being torn apart."
"Luckily in the end, the guy she was interested in didn’t cheat on his wife, and the family is still intact 15 years later, doing great."
All Part of the Wedding Planning...
"Reason given was, 'one last fling before the ring.'"
"If that’s what you decide to do before you get married, why even get married in the first place? What a waste of f**king time. I’ll never understand people like that."
Exiting Abusive Relationships
"My ex-wife was incredibly abusive and controlling, and she used violence and the police to keep me from leaving her."
"Women around me started to sympathize and approach me, and I was so starved for affection that I didn't even hesitate."
"I found the love of my life and we've been together for eleven years now. We've never even had a serious fight, it's bliss."
The Last First Kiss
"I was the other guy. A woman I'd known for a couple of years was becoming increasingly disillusioned with her husband, he was drinking too much and getting more and more emotionally and verbally abusive, and we had a two-month fling because she wanted to feel valued again."
"She dumped me and told me she was going to make a proper go of her marriage, she gave him six months to quit drinking or she was going to kick him out, he just got worse, and the final straw was when he drunkenly dragged their eldest kid out of bed at 2:00 AM to berate him about the state of his bedroom."
"She kicked him out. A week later, we hooked up again. 22 years and two grown-up children later, our fling is going quite well."
The Apology Isn't Coming
"I was selfish, I can think of a hundred reasons why I did, but in the end, I was just selfish. I do not have many regrets in my life but that one will stay with me forever. A life lesson learned the hard way."
"My ex-girlfriend cheated on me (I'll have to see her for a while because I had a son by her). Reading things like this gives me hope that one day she'll look at herself and finally admit how badly she hurt me."
"Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you learned and hope you'll treat your current or future significant others with much more respect."
"Closure doesn't come from other people. Don't hang your hopes on getting closure from her."
"My ex is happy as a pig in s**t. He has no regrets."
"If my happiness was based on his apology, I'd still be unhappy."
Long-Distance Relationships Aren't For Everyone
"I blamed cheating on being in a long-distance relationship. I think it's really that people like attention and can't turn away from it when it becomes something more."
"I personally would feel bad about it when it happened and wouldn't want to put someone else through that, and yet I'd keep doing it."
"But then I got cheated on later in a different relationship and actually got to feel the hurt. It's not something I'd want to do someone again."
Just Another Part of the Relationship
"Everyone is different. Some people were raised around it and therefore, it was normalized from a young age."
"Some people are cheated on early and often. When you're young and immature, some people don't have the capacity to really think about how their actions can affect other people."
"For me, my first, like, four or five girlfriends all deceived me and cheated on me in some capacity. And a lot of it was my being too clingy and emotionally needy and I would guilt them when they tried to leave me (which stemmed from a toxic, abusive childhood where love was a transaction or manipulation of some kind). And then when they did finally leave me and I found out they were talking to/dating/f**king other dudes beforehand, I extrapolated it to all women and figured it's just what they are all going to do anyway."
"It's twisted myopia birthed out of insecurity and inexperience. Most 20-year-olds don't possess the humility to consider the possibility they have no clue what they are talking about because they feel things so deeply and passionately."
"Ultimately, my experience was that I was conditioned to believe cheating was just a part of life and if everyone is doing it then on some level, it was okay. People get older and wiser. If you don't believe people can grow up, of course, you're going to believe things like 'Once a cheater, always a cheater,' but I sincerely question the growth and progress of a person with such a static view of humanity."
"I walked in on her with a co-worker, so I revenge cheated with someone close to her. It created a triangle of emotional damage. But I learned how to process the bad stuff in a healthier way once the dust settled from the three of us destroying each other."
"I was tempted to revenge cheat, but then I thought about it and realized that being a cheater was who he is, not who I am. I filed for divorce instead."
The Coward's Way Out
"I was young and dumb, not really ready to commit, and too much of a coward to break it off."
"I’ve had a few cowards in my time."
"I just don’t understand it. It’s like ripping a Band-Aid off! Get it over and done with and not destroy your partner's trust in relationships. I bloody hate cowards."
A Wrench in the Family Gears
"I want people to know… your kids WILL FIND OUT. Maybe not right away, but eventually, and they never look at you the same, speaking from experience. I was bartending, and my dad’s different friends and employees all would go on to get drunk and confirm things for me over the years."
"I had a strained relationship with my father and I didn't like him very much as a person at times but I still respected him when I was younger. His problem was he always talked to me like I was his buddy instead of his son and overshared. A few times he would talk to me about one-night stands he'd had (despite me telling him I didn't want to know)."
"He was either too stupid to realize I would figure out it was when he was married to my mother or he didn't care. When he left my mother for another woman I was disappointed in him. When I found out he cheated on her several times I was disgusted with him and lost a lot of respect for him."
The Pain of Discovery
"She found out. She cried a lot."
"I saw the amount of hurt I caused her. Honestly, I'm still not sure if I've changed. But I want to. That's a starting point for me."
"For real: being able to understand how another person feels is the beginning of empathy. It’s something that cannot be taught but is so essential for a healthy life and society. You gotta keep leaning into it even when it hurts."
"My wife finding out was the turning point for me, too. I thought she would be mad, yelling at me, and we would argue and she would eventually cool down. That is the culture I was raised with."
"Instead, she broke down, and she was just hysterically crying for the entire day, saying she wanted to die and that she can never trust anyone ever again."
"It genuinely shook me to my core, and all I wanted to do was comfort her but I couldn't because I was the person who made her that way. It made me feel a sense of guilt and shame that I shiver even thinking about today."
"She found out I was cheating on her at the club I was working at. Not with anyone, in particular, just random girls here or there. We got a divorce and got remarried three years later, and have been married for 20 years since."
While some of these stories are to be expected, some of them were genuinely surprising.
This just goes to show that you never really know what's going on in another person's relationship or what could be the reason for its failing.
We know that not all relationships are destined to last forever.
What might begin as an endearing quality becomes annoying, or what starts off feeling like a minor inconvenience might grow to be a serious dealbreaker with time.
Changes like this can end a relationship, and they can do serious damage to the relationship along the way, like to the couple's communication skills, quality time together, and even their sex life.
Redditor Acrobatic_Month_1563 asked:
"What ruins sex life in a marriage?"
The Final Straw
"10,000 little unaddressed disappointments, which drain communication, which fosters negative assumptions, which breeds coldness, which turns to resentment."
"The sex obviously becomes ungood."
Communication Is Key
"As someone who separated from his wife four.... days ago, communication is a big part of it."
"Communicate clearly that something is wrong, and work to improve little things. Learn about love languages and how to speak your partner's language. I would speak my own to her and she wasn't receptive because she wanted something else."
"Be self-aware so you know when something is bothering you, and tell them right away, don't wait until it's a big deal. Don't be defensive, be open to listening to everything. There's a ton of healthy relationship advice out there but it takes effort."
"Communicating when things are wrong is very important, but it's also a balancing act. There is such thing as communicating too many problems, too often."
"For example, my wife was very very good at pointing out things about me that bothered her. Which is a good thing, normally. But she did it so much, about even the simplest little petty things, that it really made me feel like there was nothing about me or anything I did that was 'right' to her."
"And it also caused me to never point out anything about her that upset me because I didn't want to make her feel the way she was making me feel. So it was just all-around bad: too much communication from her, too little from me."
"And not everything always needs to be a serious, sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation, like, 'Okay honey, I understand now that I didn't center the salt shaker in the middle of the table the way you like it, I'll do it better next time, but do you really need to pull me into the other room and sit me down and have a 25-minute conversation about it, every time?'"
"I think the sweet spot is really somewhere in the middle."
Stress Goes Both Ways
"Stress. Kids, work, finances, or any other kind of stress. Kiss your libido goodbye until you figure out how to deal with it."
"For some people, sex is how they release their stress. For others, they can't have sex if they're feeling stressed. Figure out which you and your partner are."
The Nuances of Intimacy
"Not focusing on the intimacy and emotional safety outside the bedroom. The actual act of sex is the shortest part of the sexual process in my case."
"I've heard it said, 'Foreplay is constant.' Flirting is foreplay, being civil and polite with waitstaff is foreplay, eye contact and reflective listening are foreplay, getting the door is foreplay, bringing a big umbrella on a rainy day date is foreplay, walking them to their car is foreplay, and texting goodnight is foreplay."
"Foreplay begins the moment you begin communicating, so do it wisely and with good intention."
No Emotional Investment
"I will never understand how people can end up with someone they just... don't care about. You don't need to know every single like and dislike, but damn. "What comfort foods my wife likes" should be an easy win."
"Dude, I literally overheard this conversation at the grocery store today that makes me wonder how people like this can get married. Let's call them Bill and Dave."
"Bill - What chips are you gonna get?"
"Dave - Uhhh, tostitos with dip."
"Bill - Okay, do your kids like those, though?"
"Dave - I don't know, probably."
"Bill - Well, maybe get them something that they like."
"Dave - Yeah, I'm getting Cheetos, too."
"Bill - Do your kids like those?"
"Dave - Probably, they're Cheetos. I'm sure they like them."
"Then, at the checkout line..."
"Dave - Gotta get some chocolate, it is shark week after all.' Then he proceeds to seemingly pick three chocolate bars at random."
"Bill - Yo, that bar is heavy on the toffee flavor. It's a unique preference, does your wife like toffee?"
"Dave - I don't know, the other two have peanut butter, though."
"Bill - Does she like peanut butter?"
"Dave - Sure, I mean, who doesn't? She likes it once a month at least.' And chuckles."
"Bill has the look on his face like he did the biggest facepalm ever."
"And here I am having online dates cancel on me the day of..."
"If you or your parent neglect each other's needs and fail to communicate, then it becomes a cycle. The time set aside for sex turns into arguments or relationship maintenance and sex falls by the wayside."
"Kids, marriage, getting fat, and not taking care of yourself don’t actively kill the relationship, but they don’t help, but once you stop putting in the effort to please your partner, things stagger on and begin to die."
Mental Health Concerns
"This is my first thought. We still had an active sex life throughout our kids' childhood. Grief and depression killed our libido. Mine is coming back, but hers isn't. And I don't function unless I feel wanted."
Relationship Over in One Word
"A lot of my hetero couple friends have divorced because the guy didn't do housework or childcare. That really builds up the resentment and sex suffers."
Taking Advantage of a Good Routine
"Routine. Unfortunately routine keeps you healthy and mentally focused."
"We always have sex in the afternoon on Sunday. Yes, it is a routine but because we both know the routine, we both know not to let people come over or schedule things during that window of time. That's our time. H**l, even our little dog knows to leave us alone then."
When the Chase Ends
"Too many people stop romancing and dating their partners once they get married. Passionless sex is boring and mechanical."
"They say, 'My partner never wants sex anymore.' Well, when's the last time you did anything to help them feel excited about you?"
"I mentioned that to my husband about two and a half years after we married."
"He literally told me, 'I don't have to do that anymore. I married you.'"
"Then there was the excuse of no time and no money. I fixed those problems."
"Then it was, 'I'm too busy. I need to start a business.' So it never happened."
"Over time, my sex drive dwindled, and my resentment grew. Then he was angry about it. That killed it faster."
"Years went by of once-a-week sex, and he was resentful. I was resentful."
"I wanted to fix this. According to him, the whole entire problem was the lack of sex. That will fix everything."
"So you know what I did? I had sex every single day for two months straight. Then we got into an unrelated argument, and he said he never had enough sex during our marriage, and if we both just 'take care of our responsibilities,' everything would be fine."
"So uhm... I guess add entitlement to that."
"Kids and work. The whole bedtime routine isn’t exactly a sex-driver, and when they’re asleep, it’s more tempting to just relax after a long day, before falling asleep yourself."
"To get any sex going here, we need to plan for it, and spice things up with lingerie."
Not That Kind of Roleplay
"Treating your wife like your mother (or a rival sibling) and then expecting them to be attracted to you when you're horny."
"Everyone is saying 'the same routine,' but no one is mentioning how absolutely unappealing in every way it is for a man to treat you like you’re his mother/caretaker."
"It should be mentioned more. Though, for the people who read this and decide to get their act together just for sex, don’t bother."
"It isn’t hot either when you know the adult you live with is only putting the dishes in the dishwasher to get sex, rather than respecting the life you are building together."
"Constant joint pain. Nothing kills the mood more than getting interested and then having shooting pain in the shoulder or knees."
"Sucks getting old."
Not Enough Variety
"Not trying new things, years of the same thing can end up with the mind (and some other things) wandering. Not saying it has to be frequent, but occasionally mixing it up is good."
Weak Promises Aren't Sexy
"When they no longer are a person of their word. Few people mention how damaging things like that are to attraction."
"To elaborate a slight bit, my mind was talking more about when someone stops following their dreams, gets complacent, says they'll do better for themselves, AND DOES NOT because they don't take themselves seriously."
"Yes, it was bad enough that he did not value his word, but totally broke my heart when he had the same approach with the kids too. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Worse, don't promise it."
As fun as relationships are meant to be, they are a lot of work, as well, and require not only continuous commitment to their partner but to keeping the relationship healthy, as well.
Couples who continue dating each other, respect one another, and adapt their relationship with the times are probably the ones who are going to be the most successful and happily married.
Dating experiences can be incredibly fun and even formative, but it can also be full of tough and painful lessons.
With each relationship, we're bound to learn things that we don't like or aren't looking for in our next partner.
Redditor Valuable-Ad440 asked:
"What do you think the biggest mistake is that people make in relationships?"
"Not being able to apologize. If someone tells you they're upset with you, you don't need to argue back."
"Not being able to hear your partner expressing their own needs or constructive critiques without getting defensive."
"You should be able to hear your partner out with concern and curiosity, and THEN address your own feelings that happened as a result of their words. If you can’t have a difficult conversation without being overwhelmed by your own insecurities, you’re not ready to be in a relationship."
Too Many Compromises
"Compromising when they started the relationship, and then regret sets in and destroys the relationship."
(Not) Winning Arguments
"Trying to 'win' arguments. The goal should be to solve disagreements as a team, not come out as the victor."
Not Dating Their Best Friend
"Your partner not being your friend, too."
"Back when we were dating, my wife once told me that I was her boyfriend, but also her friend. I found that odd. Then she pointed out that her ex never had had the potential to be her friend. They just didn't match."
"Since then, I realized how important this is."
Lack of Communication or Acceptance
"So many people jump straight to 'lack of communication,' but more often than not the problem is refusing to accept what your partner is communicating."
"Communication skills can always be better, but a lack of understanding or willingness to compromise around the difference in each other's needs leads to resentment really quickly. Once you resent each other, it's game over, there's no real way to come back from that."
Taking Others for Granted
"Taking the other person’s love, time, empathy, or patience for granted."
"Or holding onto a relationship that isn't making you happy out of some hope that the other person will stop taking those things for granted."
"Both are non-starters."
"I would rephrase this as 'people are their values and what they value.'"
"If you want a big family and they want to be child-free, you’re not compatible."
"If you are a homebody and they have wanderlust, one of you is going to be miserable."
"If they are fixated on their career and external signs of success and you are more interested in experiences and togetherness, you’re both going to resent each other."
"If you have significantly different political outlooks, it’s going to poison how you see each other over time."
"The first person to say yes to you may not be the right person for you long term. You need to talk about your values and life goals, and if they don’t align, don’t sit there hoping the other person will compromise who they are for you, or expect yourself to compromise who you are for them."
"Respect each other enough to recognize you aren’t the right life partner and move on."
Getting Married First
"Waiting until you’re too far in to discuss marriage and kids. That’s an issue that needs to be hammered in before you completely shut yourself off from anyone else."
"Tons of people have those tough discussions way too late. Kids, in-law interactions and responsibilities, finances, living situations, household chores, medical issues, and future plans ALL should be discussed before getting married."
"If you don't have an answer for that now, you're going to have to find an answer soon enough. All of these things WILL be faced throughout your lifetime together. It's better to find out if you're completely incompatible before signing that paper. Or at least you've got a plan of how to face things together."
Helping Around At Home
"My girl has been on vacation for about two weeks and f**k, I hate cooking, man!"
"I should help her prep some of the food. It's just more time-consuming than anything else. But yeah, when she gets back, I'll start helping her more. I eat a s**t ton, so yeah."
"Start now, impress her with your effort when she gets back, and tell her you realized how much time she was putting in. Can't go wrong."
"Learn some knife skills on youtube, it can cut your prep time by 50% easily. I've seen people spend ten minutes on a single onion, smh (shaking my head)."
"And clean as you cook! Something is simmering on the stove and you can step away for five minutes? Don’t kill time on the couch, clean your workstation! Then when it’s time to serve, you have only a minimal amount of cleanup left to do."
"CAYG or Clean As You Go is taught in professional kitchens everywhere for a reason, it’s a proven strategy to keep things clean."
"That and 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean,' but that one is less popular."
Getting Too Comfortable
"I think it's a combination of getting so comfortable with somebody that you take things for granted, stop doing the little things, and stop communicating."
"Been feeling this recently. My girlfriend and I moved in together nearly two years ago, and our relationship improved so much when we did, but it has led to me taking things for granted."
"I'm traveling at the moment, and I haven't seen her in nearly a month, and I'm really missing just existing together. Even something as simple as sleeping next to each other, I miss it like crazy, but it's not something I think of as much when we're both at home."
"Thinking that it's one person's work. A successful relationship needs commitment and work from both parties."
"I find that as the woman, I’m usually carrying the emotional load and it’s f**king exhausting. Talking about feelings, initiating tough conversations, etc. I won’t do it anymore."
Having Children to Love
"Believing that having a child will fix their problems."
"Great job, now the THREE of you are in a sucky situation and now are forever tied through a choice you both made instead of just working it out OR separating, both options that would've been a lot less messy and complicated, not to mention that the kid is now stuck between something that's not their responsibility to fix and now they're suffering through it."
"'Compromising' on big life decisions, it never ends well."
Knowing When to Say Goodbye
"Not leaving or ending a relationship when it needs to be ended. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away."
That About Sums It Up
"Not 'dating' their partner after getting married and having kids."
"Not being on the same page when it comes to finances, household responsibilities, and boundaries with external family."
"Simply not prioritizing their partner."
These responses came from people who clearly regretted decisions they'd made in relationships or been on the receiving end, neither of which likely felt very pleasant.