I (20F) think my boyfriend (20M) may have been signing in to my social media accounts for more than a year.
I have been dating my boyfriend (20m) since September 2017, but we have been seeing each other since June 2016. We are long distance (~6hrs apart by car) and see each other about once a month if we're lucky. We have had a lot of ups and downs, but ultimately we care about each other and just want each other to be our happiest and healthiest.
I posted earlier this week about an incident that happened this past weekend where an old friend of mine tried to kiss me. He was drunk and initially tried to kiss me on the mouth. I pulled away, and he again tried to kiss my neck, leaving a bruise (I bruise incredibly easily as I have very fair skin and poor circulation; the entire incident lasted no more than a few seconds). I did not expect or want this to happen, and I thought the friend in question knew I had a boyfriend (I actually thought he also had a girlfriend up until he kissed me, so it definitely caught me off guard). Once I firmly expressed to him I wasn't interested and had a boyfriend, he backed off, and the rest of the night went normally. I don't have any plans to hang out with this friend again. The next day, my boyfriend was already at work when I woke up, where he has limited access to this phone. I planned to facetime him and tell him when happened when he got off work, however, he noticed the bruise on my neck in a snapchat before I could tell him myself (I hadn't even noticed it was there because as I said it was no more than a few seconds and it didn't occur to me that there could even be a bruise there from so short a time). He called me when he finished work, and I explained what had happened, but by that point he had been stewing over it for over 5 hours, and was furious with me. I understand that I shouldn't have put myself in a position where someone thought I would be receptive to a kiss, but I also can't control other people's actions or the past, and I have been trying to earn his trust back since. However, he remains absolutely livid.
In other news, for the past few years, my snapchat account has signed me out constantly on my phone (forcing me to log back in to the account sometimes as frequently as multiple times a day). I submitted several maintenance requests to the app, and Monday they notified me that they had sent a customer service email to my spam email account (which I seldom use, and hadn't looked at in years). When I signed in to the account to view the email, I noticed several other emails from the app over the past year. Most notably, there were a series of emails from August 3-6, 2017 informing me that someone had connected to my account on those specific dates from a specific location in a neighboring country. My boyfriend and a few of our mutual friends happened to be on vacation in that exact place on those exact dates. We were not dating at that time. I have confirmed the dates of that trip with someone else who was there. Nobody else on that trip goes to college with my boyfriend, or within 75 miles of there.
Getting fearful, I went on the snapchat website and downloaded my data (which basically gives you all the data the company has stored about your account over a certain period). This data included the location history of where my account has been accessed for the last ~2 months, with each data point consisting of a date, time, latitude, and longitude of where the account was used. It revealed that dozens of times over the last two months (sometimes as often as multiple times in the same day), my account was accessed from where my boyfriend lives. These data points are very specific (3 decimal points), and correspond to directly over his house, various buildings on his campus, and other places in his college town that he frequents. They all are on dates that I was definitively in my own college town, 400 miles away. You can actually watch me and whomever "fight" for control of the account, with me signing in one hour, then it signing in from his town the next hour, and us going back and forth for a while. The data only goes back two months, but the emails and pattern of snapchat logging me out (which is their attempt at security, when you log in to an account on one device it force logs it out on all others) indicate that it has been going on with this level of regularity for over a year.
I confronted my boyfriend about this as soon as I found out. He was initially indignant, then horrified once I presented him with all the evidence. He empathically maintains that it isn't him doing it. He can't provide any other explanations, and his best guess is that he is being framed, although he has no idea by whom. He has said a few times that if I need to find an explanation, he'll let his reputation take the hit, because he loves me that much and hates to see how this is hurting me. He has now also shifted the conversation back to the incident from this weekend, and is saying that what point would he have to lie, because he thinks I fucked someone else anyways (which he had not told me before that he thought)?
This is an especially sensitive subject for me because two years ago, I was most likely hurt by a very close friend, but I have only been able to put together what happened after the fact based on other knowledge. Not having a clear answer or knowing for sure about what happened then absolutely tore me apart, and still f***s with me immensely. My boyfriend knows all this, and helped me through all the fallout of that. I don't want to believe he would lie to me after seeing how much not knowing what happened there destroyed me. Snapchat is my main method of communication for a lot of my friends, and I save all my direct messages on the app so that I can reference them later.
For over a year, someone has been going through my photos, my messages, seeing who I talk to, and watching me without my knowing, and I can't find any other explanations for all the info besides that it was my boyfriend. To not know what happened here will absolutely destroy me, and he knows this. I so desperately want to believe it's anything else, and I want to trust him (like I want him to trust that I didn't sleep with my friend), but I just can't find any answers.
My question is, does anyone have any other possible explanations for what could've happened besides the obvious? What should I do now? And how can I convince my boyfriend I didn't sleep with my friend without compromising my feelings here?
tl;dr: I found an overwhelming amount of evidence showing that my boyfriend of one year has been accessing my snapchat account from his phone since August 2017 (possibly earlier), he denies it's him and is now saying he believes I slept with someone else. What do I do?
Cut And Run
I can't imagine any other explanation. I would cut my losses and not give a damn whether he believes you or not - he's just deflecting and/or gaslighting you. This person has violated your privacy and your boundaries, and profoundly disrespected you. He doesn't deserve to be in your life a moment longer. I would also talk to a counsellor to help me process all of this in the aftermath. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.
RedOliphant
But She Had Her Doubts He Could Do That To Her
Thanks for the response. I wish I could feel that way, and be so sure about it. It's just so hard to believe that the person I've trusted the most for this long has been doing something so fundamentally invasive and violating, for almost two years. And yet, I still care a lot about what he thinks of me. I care about my reputation, and I don't want people thinking I'm a cheater when that's not at all what happened.
bruisedidmein1234
But Doubt Really Began To Set In
I actually realized that another email from snapchat shows that someone from an IP address registered to his college signed in to my account in February of 2017 (7 months before we started dating). I didn't initially clock it because the town is my hometown, and I figured I had been home at the time, until I realized I was actually in another country for a conference on the date the email was sent. It seems like there's too much evidence for it to all be coincidence, huh?
bruisedidmein1234
Then Things Took A Dark Turn
Y'all were right, he did it. It was even crazier than I thought, but it's over now.
I posted a few days ago about finding an overwhelming amount of evidence that my boyfriend of 1 year had been signing into my snapchat account off his phone for over a year, yet when I confronted him about it, he claimed he was being framed. He also accused me of sleeping with a friend who made a move on me that past weekend. I asked here for any other possible explanations for what might've happened besides the obvious, and for advice on how to prove to him that I didn't have sex with that kid. Everyone here told me I was out of my mind to think it was anything else, and that it didn't matter what he thought of me, that he was violating my privacy, and that there were no other possibilities. I realized y'all were right, and I came up with a plan.
I met my boyfriend in a diner, and got there early and told the waitress what was about to go down. I then set my laptop up with all the evidence I had amassed, and waited for him to show up. When he got there, he was combative, and initially tried to accuse me of sleeping with that kid again, but I effectively took over the conversation pretty quickly, and set in to my speech. I took him through every piece of evidence that incriminated him (of which there is a Lot), asked him if he still thought that he was being framed, and he denied it a few more times. At that point, I told him that in our state, what was happening constitutes fourth degree felony stalking. There was too much evidence for it to all be technical glitches at this point, so either he was stalking me, or someone else was stalking the both of us. I told him this was his last chance to come clean to me, or if he still said it wasn't him, we were going to go get in my car, drive to the police station, and turn the case over to a detective, at which point it will be investigated, and whoever did it will be charged. I told him that once I turn it over to the police, however, it's out of my hands how it gets handled, and there will be consequences for whoever did it. He said that he wasn't going to the police station, and said again that he didn't do it. So, I stood up, put on my coat, and said we were going to see a detective and file a report right there because those were his only options left. He pulled me back down to the table, and finally, confessed. It was him.
It started two years ago, 7 months before we even started dating (we were casually involved at that point, and friends, but not dating or exclusive). He said it started because he wanted to know whether I liked him, and it (and I) became an obsession for him. He has checked it multiple times a day, every day, for our entire relationship, including when I was with him. He read all my messages (which I save through the app, as I use it as my main form of communication for a lot of friends), gone through my photos, and kept tabs on who I was talking to.
The conversation was terrifying. It was like I didn't know him. He was cold, cruel, and didn't seem even the smallest bit remorseful. He tried to blame it on me quite a few times, then blamed it on his 'trust issues,' then blamed it on himself being 'f**ked in the head.' It was so unbelievably out of character for him that I would've thought this was his crappy audition tape for an episode of SVU and said was a bad performance if I hadn't lived it myself. He also tried to manipulate me into not going to the police or any of our mutual friends, citing that he 'had nothing' in his life (except me, but I guess that didn't matter so much). He said that I could just move on from this, whereas he would have to 'live with this' for the rest of his life, which should already be punishment enough.
He then tried to tell me that I owed him not to tell anyone else, because I ruined his life when I gave him an STD (which I got when I was attacked by a former friend, which was easily cured, and which we discussed at length where he reassured me that it wasn't my fault). Oh, and he knew that I didn't sleep with that guy, because he read my conversation with him wherein he said "hey, I'm sorry about last night, I didn't know you had a boyfriend and I never would've tried to make a move on you if I had known." He just said that to try to make me defensive and so flustered about something else that I dropped my investigation into the snapchat thing. He even quoted my own conversations back at me. I made him sign a paper where he wrote out what he did, just in case he wants to go back on his word later. Then, I left.
So, it's over now. I've blocked him on everything (I actually cried when I blocked his number, sad as that is). All that's left is to move on. I'm debating on whether to tell our mutual friends or not, because honestly, I'm resentful that he tried to manipulate me into not doing so, and I don't feel like I owe him anything at this point. Anyways, thanks for all your help.
I went to bed last night and work today expecting to see a few responses, I mostly just updated because I hate when people don't update. Thank you so much to everyone for all the support.
I've taken the advice of most people here and told a few trusted friends. Their response has been kinda disappointing, sort of a boys will be boys mentality of "well now you know you're better apart than together, just give it time." I'm hoping they'll come around, I understand that it's really hard to reconcile such a psycho thing with someone you care about, and like I said this was so out of character for my ex. For now I am not going to go to the police, because I don't think I could handle that right now. I go to school 400 miles away from my hometown, I wouldn't be able to come back and forth often to deal with an investigation, and I just don't think I could deal with the emotional strain of having aggressive strangers tear my life the rest of the way apart. But I have changed all my passwords, done force logout where applicable, and saved all the evidence against my ex on a few different locations. My ex got my password because he saw me sign into something once when we were hanging out and remembered the password I used. Once he had it, he had it forever.
To all the people who called me out or had questions about the std (shoutout to the guy who said I belonged in prison), I'll tell the story. Mods, sorry if this violates rules? Over two years ago, I had only been with my ex (he's actually the only person I've ever been with). We weren't dating at the time, just casually hooking up. One night over a break home from school, I went to my former best friends house to catch up. I had two drinks and passed out, which I had thought I was just tired but now I suspect I was drugged. I slept on his couch that night, just the two of us. I woke up the next morning kinda sore but didn't really think anything of it, went home, and didn't think of it again. Two months later, another friend came to me and told me that she had fallen asleep at that friends house just days before I did, that he had spiked her drink, and she had woken up in the middle of the night to him having sex with her. She froze, left when he went back to sleep, went to the hospital, got a kit done, and tried to move on with her life. She never went to the police because this friend's family is very involved with the police in our area, and police response to $exu@l @ss@ult is a joke anyways. She told me because I was going to visit him and she wanted me to be safe. I tried to support her as best I could, and cut that friend off, but it didn't occur to me that anything could've happened to me. Months later, I came up positive for chlamydia on a routine std check by my obgyn. That's when I put all the facts together, and realized what happened (although I never got closure or a sure answer). I always used protection with my ex, but that doesn't guarantee anything. I didn't knowingly give him an std, or even know that I had it. Chlamydia is curable with a single antibiotic, and there were no lasting physical effects on either of our lives.
Anyways, thanks so much to everyone who expressed support, this has been an overwhelming and difficult time, and the reassurance from folks here has really made the difference on how I've been able to wrap my head around this. 💕
Thoughts all around?
Sound the Alarm...
That's insane :( please tell your friends. they deserve to know how creepy he is. i wish you all the best in your healing. please don't feel weird about crying, it's normal to hurt when you think you knew someone in spite of learning everything they did. take care. rosewhine
He also invaded their privacy when he read what they thought were conversations with only you, OP. Yourwtfismyftw
He cray girl!
I would consider filing a police report so that everything is on record in case his behavior continues. The fact that he showed no remorse with his overall demeanor change, makes me concerned that he could be a very scary person in the future if cornered or truly grasps that you are gone. This was a multi-year act of deception, these are not the actions of an entirely sane or morally upright person.
At the very least, please make sure some close people are aware of the extent of his deceptions. Keep your proof backed up online, on a USB stick, on paper. Cover yourself in all areas.
I would also do a complete wipe of your laptop after saving necessary stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if he has some keylogger program on your computer, which tracks every key you press.
At the very least, I would go through all of your electronics with someone who is savvy to tech spying. I would also set up 2-factor Authentication wherever it's available.
I would consider talking with a therapist if you are starting to question or doubt yourself on how this could have happened.
I wish you the best in this upcoming transition. Please protect yourself and be very safe. I think you handled this in the perfect way, and it sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders. Be prepared for full repentance and begging to be incoming. Stay strong. You've got this!!! ScionOfSekhmet
Go rent 'Fatal Attraction!'
100%. He explicitly described his "obsession," and the odds that this obsession will suddenly stop with a clean break when you dump him are incredible small. His stalking could get worse. If you file a police report now, it will save you major headaches down the road if he keeps stalking you, but it won't hurt anything if he doesn't. thisiswhyifeedmyshoe
He had no remorse and acted in a hostile manor. Even if you don't want to press charges right now, having a police report on file or a back up for the evidence is a good plan. Just in case something comes from it.
It may be hard to break up but just try to keep thinking, he did this not you. He crossed lines. He f**ked up not you. He is the one in the wrong, not you. You are protecting yourself and making a good decision to end the relationship.
I'd confided telling your mutual friends some of it, if not all the details at least the broad strokes so they can help you if needed. They may notice things you don't, see an aspect of his behavior that you don't. It's always good to have some people on your side. Immifish
No kidding around....
Wow that is terrifying. I WOULD tell your friends, because I think there's a very good chance that he will stalk or hack them to keep tabs on you. I would also make a police report. herp_derp_hag
Seriously, this guy may be trying to spin it like he's some put-upon victim but it's OP who has to deal with the ghost of this creepy, unnerving violation for the rest of her life. eastward1526
Happening too often...
This happened to me too. It ended in violence since he didn't know that I took martial arts in high school but I am still scared of what I might have had to do to stop him again. Especially if I had never came clean to everyone we knew about what had happened and why it ended in such a cluster f**k. Would anyone believe it was self defense if I didn't make noise? I started a paper trail and he magically disappeared from my life. Tofutits_Macgee
It's like a horror movie...
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. He's crazy. He's gaslighting you for shit he knows is f**ked up and crossing to many lines. You did great though. Tell your friends and go to the police. He's got serious problems. He read all your conversations with your friends, I think it's a good thing to let them know about that. HapppyMealFace
Dry them tears!
"As sad as that is."
Girl, nothing about you is sad in this story. You are a warrior bada**! It is okay to mourn the passing of a relationship, and mourn the fact that a person you cared about is not who you thought he was.
Focus on the fact that you stood your ground and backed yourself! Even when being gaslit (gaslighted?) Bravo!
I'm sorry that you went through that and hope that your future is filled with genuine people!
I agree with other posters. Tell your friends what happened. You owe this guy nothing. If nothing else, save the evidence and change your passwords. It may not be the last of this guy. Remember that you are strong, and you are right! cbackification
Listen Carefully....
Make a completely new email address on a computer/device that he would never have had access to; a school computer lab/library, device of friend/family he never came in any contact with (including online correspondence).
Once you have a new email with a new password that isn't something he will be able to easily figure out, change the email address for every single account you have AND change the passwords to those accounts as well... but only make the changes on a safe computer/device to avoid any possible software your ex make have installed (or had you or someone else unknowingly install).
As for a password, do not use dates, names, places that he would be familiar with. I usually do a short little sentence, with a random uppercase letter, at least two numbers and one symbols. For example, something like, "L1amasareF1uffy!" This way it makes it difficult to guess, because it is a weird random phrase that has nothing to do with anything related to your life (unless you have fluffy llamas...lol).
And of course, you need to have your devices and computers reformatted (or whatever the proper technical term is). If you don't know how to do that, you can consult a friend/family member...but it might even better to just contact professional or manufacturer FAQ for each device.
I also suggest making brand new social media accounts that are set to the highest private security settings immediately. Just because you blocked the accounts you know, doesn't mean he can't make new ones. And I wouldn't use your real name or any screen names he would be familiar with; or use your real picture for any account that may show it publicly.
I know this can be a pain in the butt, but making sure he doesn't know where you are or what you are doing on a daily basis is for the best.
Also, since he likely knows your friends social accounts, and could possible have access to those as well, make sure anyone he met or corresponded with knows to change their password, just in case.
I may sound paranoid. And I likely am a little bit. I have some experience with this sort of thing, and it is amazing the depths people will go through to gain access to information about you. I had to make sure family and friends stopped tagging me and posting pictures of me, as well as make their privacy settings stronger. It became just easier to get off social media for awhile, and then return slowly under an anonymous account, adding only friends and family who were willing to follow the necessary rules for my safety... and it sucks to ask people to have to follow them. Not only does this effect your life, but others close to you.
Hopefully your ex will leave you alone, especially if you do decide to go to the police. While I agree you should for your own safety, I completely understand not wanting to.
Also, none of this was fault, in anyway. Even if he hadn't violated your trust and safety by stalking your social media, from just the few sentences you said explaining things, he was WAY out of line and red flags were waving brightly all over.
u/bruisedidmein1234, I honestly hope you are able to see a therapist to process this situation, and the other situation you alluded to. There isn't anything wrong with YOU. Processing what happened will help your brain get through everything, make sense of it, and help you move past it in healthy way. iputmytrustinyou
REDDT
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