In 2020 when we discuss acceptance of the LGBTQIA+ community, we have to acknowledge and rejoice that we have come so far. We really have. But somedays it feel like there are still miles to run to get to the finish line.
In this time of culture war and grand renaissance we're all learning. And hetero/cisgender people still need to understand a few things. The best route to understanding is empathy. If you don't know, then ask me. Ask me about my fears, my goals and my triumphs as it all pertains to my struggle as a gay man. You'll be surprised about our similarities and about what the community still must endure while you believed the struggle was over. Just don't be inappropriate.... unless you're asking me out.
Redditor u/Eat-the-Poor was hoping the LGBTQ community members would be willing to share some truths that need to be heard by asking.... Homosexuals of Reddit, what is something about being gay that a straight person would never guess is a thing you have to deal with on a regular basis?
TMI
Ummm GIF by memecandyGiphyPeople asking how you have sex. I've had neighbors, a former boss, and family members ask me immediately after I told them I have a serious girlfriend. Its like, you wouldn't ask a straight person that.
Like, "hey, so, I'm gay. I've been dating my gf for four years. Sorry I've been telling you otherwise."
Them: "so like...lol...how do you have sex? Who gives and who receives? Do you use toys? Lol I heard lesbians use a lot of toys. Cause you don't have anything down there, you know? Do you just lay next to each other? How does it happen, lol!"
And I'm like, "uhhhh..." As if it weren't awkward enough to tell your foolish self I'm gay already?!
Looking Forward
Having some sort of conception of the future.
Since gay marriage is a relatively recent thing (and it came suddenly and unexpectedly) you never grew up assuming that you would ever get married, have kids, or build a home. The question of "what do I want to do with my life" really was never addressed in your younger years because you assumed there was no future for you.
If you managed not to die from AIDS or by your own hands then you were not going to have a real love life, real friendships, a family that supports you, etc. all of that was dependent upon you making the world believe that you were straight, a facade that you might be able to keep up with for a while, but not forever. Eventually the mask would slip, people would find out, and your life would slowly unravel from there.
Unlike other kids who were excited to live their dream as a doctor, a cop, a vet, or whatever else, the whole idea of the future was something to avoid for me, because I was always so certain that if I would even be alive to experience it, it would be lonely and pointless.
But thankfully none of that happened. I'm still here corporeally but that's about it. It's just that since there was never any thought put into my long term future now I'm bearing the consequences of it as an adult.
Do No Harm
People just don't understand what it's like. And there's no ill intentions in many cases!
I live in a very liberal, gay friendly area. I recently had to get tested for an uncommon urinary bacterial infection (which ultimately just turned out to just be problems induced from sitting more due to COVID WFH). The doctor saw my ring and started to go on about if it came back positive my wife would need to be tested as well, risks to women, etc.
It was strange, I actually felt bad for how she was going to feel when I had to politely interrupt her and say I was married to a man. She was absolutely mortified by her assumption and kept apologizing.
No harm. No negativity intended. But it was a reminder that in all aspects of social interaction it's just one more hurdle I need to overcome.
Always Out
gay pride rainbow GIF by Capital Pride | Have Pride 365!GiphyOnce you come out you never truly stop coming out.
Every time you fly, cross a border, get stopped by a cop etc. Same question and how do the two of you know each other? I am always tempted to say "We have been sleeping with each other for 35 yrs." But I never will.
Just Asking...
My next door neighbor that I spend a lot of time with was raised extremely religious to the point where she wasn't exposed to pretty much anything. (No Harry Potter, no news). When I told her I was bi, she had a lot of questions, but it was kind of refreshing to be able to answer honest questions without dealing with preconceptions. She was very sweet and kind about it. She just wanted to understand what she's never been exposed to before.
Never One and Done
The mini internal debate you have every time you tell a story about your SO. Do I say friend or girlfriend? Have I come out to this person yet? Is there someone in the vicinity who I don't want knowing I'm gay? If I do say gf, will the person think I'm getting political/over sharing even though they wouldn't think that if I said boyfriend instead of girlfriend? Coming out is not a one-and-done deal. You have to make that snap judgement a thousand times and every time it's scary.
Convo with Dad
The first thing that comes to mind is a few years back I was talking to my dad, and he mentioned when he met my mother, she was having serious family issues with her own father. They didn't get along, at all, and my dad helped solve the issue because the way he was raised... family was the most important thing, and he "couldn't date a woman who didn't get along with her family."
I had to tell him if that's an expectation he has for my future spouse, he better get over it before I meet her. Cause when you're gay, there's a very real chance your SO will not have a family to bring you into.
It hadn't occurred to him before then that my future wife might not get along with her family, and that our family will have to become her's instead. It's something I accepted a long time ago, but my dad really struggled with the idea for a long time.
Danger
Meaning Excuse Me GIF by 1091GiphyKnowing that there are some people who really hate gays even though everyone today pretends they are totally cool with them, and there's always a chance decisions will be made at work that result in you not getting the promotion or straight-up getting fired.
The "It" Approval
People being overly loving of my sexuality, sometimes it feels really forced. I appreciate the support, but I feel like it's trendy to support gay people.
It's something to be celebrated. But for example, it's like acting like someone's 28th birthday is just as meaningful and a milestone as age 30.
I grew up Catholic, and my parents and friends were super against gay people. Now that it's trendy I feel like it's easier to support.
I Do
Episode 12 Showtime GIF by ShamelessGiphyPlanning my wedding was a pain.
"Are you going to wear a dress? Are you going to have bridesmaids or groomsmen? Where do we sit? Are you allowed to do it in a church"
YES. Our wedding party consisted of myself, my husband, the minister, and my baby SIL as the flower girl. My husband and I walked each other down the aisle. The minister read a Walt Whitman poem. We exchanged rings and vows and had a nice buffet set out for us. No dancing, no silly games, just marriage and fake Italian food. It was great.
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Love is love, and all human beings have the right to be in love with whoever they love.
Homophobia is a dark cloud that muddies that idea. But because of culture, religion, and upbringings, some people, unfortunately, learn to be homophobic and to be harshly judgmental against what people do in private.
But homophobia can be unlearned. Redditor u/Mr_Damaged asked ex-homophobes what made them change their views... And people answered with stories about what opened their minds and taught them not to hate others.
10. Their daughter opened their eyes
"I'm old, lets get that out first. I grew up in a society that used gay and all the various derogatory terms as insults. It took a long time to get past that. It happened after I had kids. My daughter came home from school with a friend. After he left I said, 'Is he gay, cause he seems gay?' She said, Oh my god dad, why the hell would that even matter to you?
It was like a light lit up in my head. You're right, why the hell would that matter? It was a life changing moment. Why do I care? Why should I care? I had no sensible answer to those questions other than I shouldn't. It changed my views toward life and happiness, and oh yes, politics. She knows how much I've changed, and I've made sure to let her know it was that simple statement that changed me. It was the moment I quit teaching her, and she began teaching me."
9. Love is love
Giphy
"First time I fell in love. I realized how wonderful it was and at the same time realized that it was wrong to take that amazing feeling away from people."
8. They listened and became an ally
"I remember starting high school and they had us all Gather in the gym to look at all the clubs and extracurricular activities offered to us. I saw some kids standing under a banner that said 'gay-straight Alliance', and I chuckled at its absurdity.
Then I went to one of the meetings to impress a girl I liked.
The leader of the group told the story of Matt Shepard. A gay college student who is beaten to death in 1998 for no other reason than being gay. From that the other members of the group started sharing their stories of being bullied and persecuted and beat up, most of them by members of their own family. That's the moment that my callous heart melted, and I realized how insufferable I've been up until that point in my life. And I've considered myself an ally ever since."
7. They met new people in college
"Going to college, meeting and interacting with gay people. Seeing them as people."
6. Their friend's sexuality didn't matter to them
"When my friend realised he was gay. I was 12-13. I didn't see him become a different person. I just saw him staring at men instead of women. What do I care.? He's still the same guy. His sexuality did not impact me."
5. Australian politics
Giphy
"The yes/no vote in Australia. The ads for the yes vote was almost entirely based on compassion, but the ones in support of the no vote was based on hate. It was kind of pathetic looking back and it was sad how many old/sheep follower type people would see that and believe it and hate gays for it."
4. They were honest with themselves
"Realising I'm gay. I Still got some internalized homophobia to deal with but it's a process."
3. Consenting adults can do what they want to do
"Leaving Arkansas did the trick. How arrogant can someone be to tell others what they can or can't do on their own time/private life when it's by consenting adults."
2. Parents aren't always right
"Well my dad was and is a homophobe so when I was younger I was shaped to believe that anyone who isn't straight is bad. But then I realised that dad is just a mean person and that people can't help who they are or who they identify as"
1. Simply growing up
"Growing up. It's easy to be judgmental when you're young and life is simple. When you enter the world of paying bills, drowning in debt, going without sleep, and trying to hold it together when times are tough, you start to see that we're all-- all of us-- just trying to make something good out of our generally s***** lives. Why begrudge anyone their happiness?"
Definition wise, asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others...
But there is so much more to asexuality than what the internet says. While not many people identify as asexual, they certainly do exist, and their sexuality is often misunderstood by uninformed, non-asexual people.
Redditor u/QuirkyPheasant wanted to hear from asexuals themselves, when they asked, "What's something you would like people to know about asexuality?"
10. Romance isn't just about sexual activity
"That a nonsexual romantic relationship isn't just a 'close friendship'. I've heard it from one too many people and it seems really damaging and reductive to me to claim that all of the emotional intimacy and closeness involved in a relationship is entirely predicated on sexual activity. There's a whole set of experiences involved in being a romantic relationship that aren't sexual, and it makes me wonder if people who say that see their partner as anything more than just a sexual outlet. It just doesn't compute to me."
9. They can fall in love
"Just because I'm asexual, doesn't mean I can't love someone. I very much do develop romantic feelings towards other people, I just don't desire the sexual elements.
Asexuals and aromantics are two different things, but not mutually exclusive"
8. They find people attractive
"'I thought you were asexual' was something I heard a lot from my family when I got into my last relationship. Just because we are asexual does not mean we can't find people attractive or be in relationships!!"
7. They are "queer enough"
Giphy
"I just want the LGBT community to stop hating us. That's all. We get constantly erased for not being queer enough, I've had 'friends' tell me that I'm not invited or welcome at pride parades because I have nothing to be proud about. For a community that calls itself inclusive, it certainly does hate asexuals (and non-binary and transgender people)."
6. Sexual attraction seems silly on tv
"I honestly used to think that sexual attraction was a myth and that everyone was just pretending to have it because they'd seen it on TV. I thought most people I knew were obnoxious morons with terrible decision-making skills because they kept pursuing sex and romance instead of doing productive things. When I finally found out what asexuality was, I felt like such a jerk."
5. Seduction looks cringey
"Watching people be 'sexy' is really awkward and sometimes makes me cringe. I feel like they're faking it because i cant fathom what it feels like."
4. Asexuality is a spectrum
"There is a spectrum, some asexuals are sex repulsed, some enjoy sex. The common denominator is that asexuals feel no sexual attraction."
3. Objectification doesn't work or make sense
"It wasn't until recently that someone told me the reason why they put attractive women in commercials drinking beer and whatnot is because people get aroused watching those commercials. I had no idea and always thought of them as objectifying/pointless."
2. It's not an illness
"Stop trying to 'diagnose' us. Asexuality is not an illness that needs medication or therapy to 'correct.' We just view sex differently, that's it."
1. You might not know that your partner is asexual
"That we can be really fantastic, loyal, funny, creative, warm, loving partners. And that a surprisingly large number of us have sex just to please our partner. So, you'd never actually know."