Stop Taylor
scared the launch GIF by CTVGiphyTeacher, Taylor's face is making me sick and he won't look away from me.
Stop looking at him and take your damn nap.
"I hear you..."
"He said a bad word!"
"I'm standing right next to him and I didn't hear anything."
"Well, I can read his mind."
In a similar vein, when I was 9 or 10 my teacher sent me to the principal's office for swearing, and he called my mom to pick me up for the day because he didn't believe me when I said I didn't use any bad words.
My mom marched me to my teacher's classroom and wanted to know what I said, because she also thought I was lying.
My teacher was very serious and explained how utterly disgusted she was when I said "dang" in her classroom.
Yup. Dang. My mom was not at all happy the situation.
Not the C!
Little girls runs up to me at recess and says another girl called her the C word. I was thinking, "Oh no, not the C word." I explained that she was just going to have to tell me exactly what the other girl called her. She said she called her "coochie." Not at all what I was thinking.
SNITCH!
Snitch GIF by memecandyGiphyIn second grade my friend told the class tattle tale that he was a snitch. And the kid stood right up out of his desk and yelled to the teacher "HE CALLED ME A SNITCH, I AM NOT A SNITCH." And my friend said "you're doing it right now, stupid." And it was all during a silent reading time and it was super quiet up until that point.
Tongues Out
I had a student (2nd grade) that would stick her tongue out just a little when she was concentrating. One day during silent reading another kid came to tell me she was being rude to him. I explained she wasn't and it was just something she did when she was thinking really hard. His response was, "Well I don't like it," to which I replied, "Well then don't look at her." He was all kinds of upset but stopped complaining.
Oh the Intensity
I was a summer camp counselor (18 years old) at the time. A boy (we'll call him Brian) about 13-14 years old came up to another counselor and I almost crying.
He complained younger kids (4-5 boys about 10-11years old) were teasing him because of how he ran. Brian claimed (lied) his gym teacher told him "humans run faster by not using their arms."
We asked him if he could demonstrate his "superior human ability" and show us this run. He literally ran like a Naruto ninja, and looked absolutely ridiculous... we had to fight hard to hold back the laughs. We told the younger kids to stop teasing him, but also suggested Brian his "gym teacher" may be wrong.
Whatever you are picturing, magnify the insanity by 10. It was like he learned how to run watching only Napoleon Dynamite and Naruto.
EDIT: tried to make it easier to read. Thank you all so much for the upvotes, I usually just lurk, so this is my highest rated comment ever. I know it's not much, but it motivates me to contribute more. Thank you.
Scribble Away
"He took a pen from the drawer and not a pencil!"
This was after I told my 17 year old students to grab a pencil and paper because we were going to do notes that day. I have no rules about pens not being used, I just didn't say the more generic 'writing utensil'. And the student who tattled wasn't on the spectrum and wasn't normally super literal.
Stand Down
rocky sylvester stallone GIFGiphyWhen I was a substitute teacher a kid told on me to the principal.
I had made the okay sign with my hand at about chest level. This is the same sign that if placed below the waist and someone sees they get to punch you.
This kid told the principal she thought I was going to punch her.
Erase it Please
In 7th grade, I still had no idea what a swastika was. A Jewish friend was explaining it to me and had me draw it out. After I drew it in exact detail to what he said to do, he immediately got up and told the teacher I was drawing swastikas. I tried to erase it but the damage was done.
I got a weeks detention on lunch for that crap. Even after I explained what happened.
Toy Times
toy story 4 toys GIF by Walt Disney StudiosGiphyI'm not a teacher but I did work in a school environment in the past and I'll never forget the time a kid came up to me furiously upset that his friend stole his toy.... Seems relatively fair right?...
Until about 5 to 10 minutes later, when I finally calmed him down enough to discover that this supposed "toy" was an imaginary made up one...
REALLY?! Like you just can't imagine up a second one, or a few hundred spares? Turns out imaginary toy politics are quite strict.
Just Suffocate
For breathing too loudly. Grade 4. I wanted to just walk away for good.
Honestly, that's fair. Someone loudly breathing can be hell. And it could have felt impossible for that kid to focus on their work.
Bad Flavor....
awkward lucille ball GIFGiphyMiiiiiiiissssssss.... The girl in front of me in the line won't stop saying mint. He was correct, she was indeed repeating the word mint...
Here Kitty kitty....
Not a teacher, but way back in kindergarten I had a girl who sat next to me who hated my freaking guts. And she was a tattletale too.
Everyday in class, it would always be something like "TheatreKitty is looking at me! TheatreKitty is putting her notebook on my side of the desk!" It didn't help that I was a huge crybaby and would burst into tears when she told on me. She really screwed me up.
Wash Up!
"Miiisssss, they're teasing me because they're saying I sneezed and got snot everywhere and didn't wash my hands and now they're saying I have the lurgy and they don't want to touch my pencils."
"Well I did see you sneeze. Did you wash your hands?"
"No..."
"I don't think I can help you here... go and wash your hands."
Maggots Rule
Not a teacher but when I was a kid I was in an argument with my best friend.
He went home crying to his parents because I had called him a 'mighty maggot'
His parents asked why I would call him that.
'Because I called him that first' he responded.
Cue his dad calling me 'mighty maggot' for the rest of our friendship!
Need that Peach....
mean girls GIFGiphyTeaching 4th Grade I had to deal with an inconsolably crying child attempting to explain some traumatic event he was dealing with. Turns out Brian had said that Roblox was bad.
Another time teaching year 2, I had to move a child away from a group of girls as they were calling him gay. After moving him and having serious words with the group I noticed him sitting back on the mean girls' table.
Reason? He needed his peach crayon.
Crazy so young....
This is a true story. These were two 7th graders, a boy and girl.
Girl: sir i don't like how this boy is looking at me.
Boy: I am literally sitting at the back of the class.
The two were sitting at opposite ends of the class and couldn't make eye contact unless the girl completely turns around. Anyway girl stabs the boy with a pencil and made him bleed like crazy.
How old are we?
Not sure if this qualifies:
I had a student who always left class twenty minutes before the end. I had another student come to talk to me about this, like "I don't know if you've noticed, but this guy always leaves before the end."
So, two points about this:
This was an LSAT prep course. Everyone involved are adults, and it's a 100% voluntary course. If the dude wants to leave, OK, he leaves.
Also... he'd spoken to me beforehand. He had a solid medical reason for leaving early, and I'd email him with the stuff he was missing.
I was just pretty shocked at this 20-something trying to tell on another 20-something for truancy.
I'm Choo-Chooed Out!
I teach first grade. I had 2 boys that loved to irritate one another. The one boy, L kept saying "trains, trains, trains" over and over again. The other boy - B, kept telling him to stop it.
L moved across the room and stared at B. B stared back and then L yelled "do you know what I'm saying in my mind?" B interrupted my lesson yelling "L won't stop thinking about trains!" It took over 10 minutes to get them to knock it off. Longest year of my life.
So Smeggy....
GiphyMy son grew up watching Red Dwarf. I got a call from his 2nd grade teacher that he had called a classmate a "smeg head." The teacher told me "I don't even know what that means but wanted to tell you about it."
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I love this level of petty.
Cromwell was so hated that after he was dead and buried, they exhumed his corpse so that they could execute him. He was drawn and quartered with his head piked on London Bridge two and a half years after he died.
On a similar note, the Cadaver Synod is both a thing that happened, and objectively the most metal band name possible.
A Pope dug up his dead predecessor so he could put the corpse on trial. The corpse was found guilty, retroactively de-Poped, and buried in a pauper's grave. Then the Pope had the corpse exhumed a second time and thrown in a river.
The active Pope was deposed as a result of this, in part due to rumors that the de-Poped corpse had washed up on a shore and started performing miracles. He was strangled to death in a jail cell.
The unPope was un-de-Poped and re-Poped three times by two later Popes (and re-re-buried in St Peter's Basilica). He was later un-re-Poped by another Pope. Sources are split on whether this last Pope merely re-affirmed the original de-Poping, or whether he re-re-re-exhumed the body, put him on trial again, and beheaded the now-re-unPope.
It is now against Church law to put a corpse on trial.
Wasn't there a musical about this?
GiphyWhen Henry VIII proposed to Christina of Denmark, her reply was,"If I had two heads, I would happily put one at the disposal of the King of England".
Henry VIII decapitated two of his wives, was going to off the 6th but changed his mind when she found out he was sharpening the ax.
I thought it was: divorced, beheaded and died, divorced, beheaded, survived.
"And just for you tonight, we're divorced, beheaded, LIIIIVE."
I love this.
When the Nazis invaded France, the lift cables on the Eiffel Tower were cut so Hitler would have to take the stairs. Petty but amazing.
Oh it's true. The Nazis had to take the stairs to raise the flag on top of the Eiffel Tower. Not only that but he didn't climb it himself leaving a saying "Hitler may have conquered France but he couldn't conquer the Eiffel Tower."
I would do this.
A governor put a bounty of $500 on the pirate Jean Lefitte. The pirate's response was to put a $5,000 bounty on the governor's head.
Reverse card and a +4
Mood.
Probably something everyone knows by now but my favorites are the ways the Spartans would talk sh*t as part of their culture. King Agesilaus of Sparta being given a tour of another city called it's walls "wonderful women's quarters". Or when Philip 2 of Macedon, Alexander's daddy, said "If I win this war you will be slaves forever," the Spartans simply replied "If."
Nice move.
I think it's Sir Sidney Smith who had just been captured by Napoleon, writing a message for him on the wall of his cell that read something amongst the lines of "I'm not angry, because I am at the bottom now, and you are at the top, but when the wheel of fortune is spun, you will begin to fall, and I shall rise higher than I've ever been before" and Napoleon, who later got locked up in the very same cell, then read that message.
Sir Sidney Smith was an awesome character, by the way. You should definitely look up on him.
Sharing is caring.
Sony releasing the PlayStation after Nintendo's "f you" is one of the biggest technological Uno reverse cards in history.
Similarly, when Microsoft announced that the Xbox One was (initially) going to have purchased physical copies of games locked to individual users (or was it individual consoles? My memory's a little hazy) - effectively destroying the idea of "used games" - , Sony "announced" that the (then-upcoming) PS4 was going to have a "feature" where you could "share" games with other consoles.
It was a 22-second video of a guy giving the game to someone else.
Very soon after, Microsoft reversed their plans.'
I wish I was that rich.
GiphyThe fact that the founder of Lamborghini made Lamborghini because his Ferrari broke down and the company screwed him out of a warranty.
That's next level spite.
The Persians and the Byzantines had a treaty, which the Byzantines then broke. The leader of the Persians, Khosrau, decided he couldn't have that. He marched through the Byzantine empire, looting towns, until he got to the Mediterranean Sea. He rigged a chariot race so that the Byzantine Emperor's favourite team would lose. Finally, after the Byzantine Emperor had paid him to leave and stop sacking towns, Khosrau headed home, sacking every town he came across.
The best part? He came to a major city, Antioch. He took notes of the city's layout, then captured the whole population and burnt the city to the ground. When he got back to the Persian Empire, he used the money he had gained from his recent sacking of towns to build a new city, with the exact same layout as Antioch. He moved all the original citizens of Antioch into this new city. He named the city Weh Antiok Khusrau, which translates roughly as 'Khosrau's Better Version of Antioch'.
Tolkien is the real MVP.
After The Hobbit was published in 1937, Berlin publisher Rütten & Loening wanted to circulate the book in Nazi Germany, but asked Tolkien for proof of his "Aryan descent".
Tolkien drafted two replies, and the TL;DR is that he - a famous etymologist - not only questioned whether or not they knew what the word Aryan actually meant, but included the line "But if I am to understand that you are enquiring whether I am of Jewish origin, I can only reply that I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people".
