Curious to hear from baffled doctors and nurses about dealing with certain types of patients, Redditor babyhippo01 asked:
"Medical professionals of Reddit, have you ever had a patient so lacking in common sense you wondered how they made it this far. If so, what is your story?"
It's not rocket science.
Reading Instructions
"There is a reason the instructions for prescription suppositories say 'unwrap and insert' and not just 'insert.'"
– Artisanal_AF
An Afterthought
"I’m a pharmacist. One evening shift I was working a relief shift (not my usual pharmacy). A man comes in looking distressed."
"Man: I had sexual relations with a woman I do not intend to pursue a long term relationship with. (Yes. He said it just like that)"
"Me: okay. I’m assuming there was an accident or it was unprotected. How long ago did it happen?"
"Man: last night, at 7pm on the couch. (Woah TMI, I just need to know approximate time to know if plan B will work o.o)"
"Me: we have this medication called Plan B, and since the incident happened within 72 hours-"
"Man: oh yes, I got that for her already yesterday right after we finished. We want to know if there is anything we can do to know if she is pregnant now."
"Me: unfortunately not. She’ll have to wait 3 weeks or so to see if she gets her period, and if she doesn’t then she can do a pregnancy test then. Theoretically you could do a blood test for faster results, but that would also not be until a couple of weeks, at least."
"Man: we’re just really anxious because she really doesn’t want to be pregnant. Is there anything that she can take to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamin? Minerals? Food?"
"Me: she’s already taken it, which was the plan B. There are some other options but those are prescriptions. And no, there are no over-the-counter products she can take."
"Man: What about me? Is there anything I can take now to prevent the pregnancy? Any multivitamins or minerals?"
"Me:……………………………..No sir. There isn’t anything you can take now."
– V_imaginary
"Improper Specimen"
"73 here, former clinical microbiologist, LONG ago."
"Still, I found myself all over the clinical lab at times, not just infectious disease."
"So, one day, this 20-something guy (wife and mom in tow) walks in with a paper request for semen analysis, pre-computer era."
"Ok, not the most comfortable encounter, but I'm a professional and did this drill many times."
"He had not been briefed by the doc and had no idea how establishing infertility in males was done."
"Well, OK, a challenge, then."
"I took him aside and... using standard medical terminology told him how a diagnosis is made and what he needed to do to provide a specimen."
"He couldn't/wouldn't believe that I was asking him to masturbate into that container. Astonished!"
"Then he played dumb, as if the word was unfamiliar to him."
"We looped through the medical terms and procedure again, and I eventually resorted to every word I knew to describe the 'act.'"
"It was like a George Carlin bit!"
"A half hour later, he emerged from the toilet with two inches of urine in the cup. God Almighty."
"The report went back 'patient provided improper specimen.'"
– BrunoGerace
The following examples are relating to drinking problems.
The Giver Of Life
"Paramedic. Elderly woman complains that her mouth is dry and she felt a bit dizzy climbing the stairs earlier. Go through the whole rigamarole of getting a medical history, vitals, more detail on symptoms. Ask her what she's had to drink today."
"A cup of tea, ten hours ago."
"Any water? No."
"Guess what fixed it within five minutes."
– SpatchcockMcGuffin
Java Junkie
"Physical Therapist - Had a patient with neck pain and spasms, also complained of anxiety and heart palpitations. Asked about caffeine intake and patient revealed drinking and average on 15-20 cups of coffee daily."
– jdotbrone
Oh, you're not ready for these stories.
Man At The Mower
"Had a buddy who was an EMT, he was called out to a location for a gunshot wound."
"Apparently what happened is a father was mowing his lawn when he accidentally touched part of the mower near the engine and burned his hand. He got mad at the lawnmower, pulled out his pistol, and shot it. The bullet ricocheted and hit his son in the leg."
– Kretuhtuh
Immaculate Misconception
"Not me but my mother would pick up shifts as a nurse sometimes in Labour and Delivery and she had met a handful of women who didn’t know the baby was going to be coming out of their vaginas. Like no clue. My mom usually said something like 'how you got it in is how it’s coming out honey'. This was the late 90 early 2000s."
– QuailPuzzled1286
One Small Detail
"Rural ER doc here: 35 year old female walks in with right sided jaw/neck swelling. 'I think it happened because I ate some meat yesterday that my body is reacting to' … 10 minutes later : 'oh yeah, and I accidentally swallowed a bee and it stung me in my mouth right before this happened. Sorry I forgot to mention that.'"
– ThomasToHandle
Parents might be blamed for their kids' intelligence levels.
Some teachers could be responsible for overlooking teaching the basics.
Or maybe it's the rural locale where they were born and raised having something to do with it.
Whatever the circumstances, it's confounding that anyone capable of communicating and thinking for themselves can be so oblivious.
"Doctors of Reddit, what are the dead giveaway signs that someone is faking?"
Believe Them First
"Brief note foe all the student doctors out there."
"People can pass stroke field tests and still be having a stroke."
"I could do everything on the list while I had a clot in my brain, verified by CT and MRI."
"Except I couldn't stop vomiting."
"Good times."
"Be aware sometimes sh*t doesn't look like you think it should."-Justbecauseitcameup
"I went to emergency once with intense chest pain."
"The young (new) doctor I saw first listen to my chest and immediately concluded I had pericarditis but the supervising doctor decided I was faking it for drugs for some reason."
"The next morning I woke up to a psychologist in my room asking all sorts of random sh*t when an orderly interrupted because the ultrasound guy was in and wanted to see me first thing."
"I think after talking to the first doc I saw."
"Turns out I had pericarditis and myocarditis and the dude wheeled me out himself and told them to order an ambulance to take me to a hospital with a cardiac clinic."- freeLightbulbs
homer simpson pain GIFGiphyPremature Reactions...
"I'm a nurse on a floor that deals with a lot of chronic and acute pain patients."
"Most recent instance was this lady from a few weeks ago that was apparently splitting the Oxycodone we were giving her in half in her mouth and then when the nurse's backs were turned, she would stuff it in a pill jar."
"A night nurse caught her in the act and all of her sh*t had to be searched."
"We found 20 half tablets of Oxycodone she had been stashing."
"She told us that she was 'saving them for her family in case they need them because it's just so hard to get an Oxycodone prescription these days'."
"I had her a few days after that, and she was having some abdominal pain ."
"STAT x-ray showed only gas."
"She just really needed to fart."
"But she was screaming, claiming it was a 10, and making a huge f*cking scene."
"She DEMANDED Dilaudid through her IV, and she wanted it to be pushed fast."
"Huge red flag right there."
"She wanted the high, not the relief."
"Doc straight up said he wouldn't give her Dilaudid because she was already on so many opiates."
"She then demanded Lorazepam, still through her IV of course."
"Doc was like fine whatever, just one time and only a low end dose."
"I was flushing her IV with normal saline first, to make sure her IV was patent, and she leans back and is like 'OOOOoooo that's so much better already'."
"Hadn't even given her the Lorazepam yet, smdh."- strawberrytaint
Everything Is Fine Reaction GIF by Tricia GraceGiphyDesperate Ways To Avoid Change...
"Obligatory not a doctor, but I got a call from my son's school nurse when he was in 2nd grade, and the conversation went like this:"
"Nurse sounding upbeat & cheerful says, 'your son wants to tell you his terrible news'."
"Son gets on the phone, says 'Hi mom, I cut my finger off'."
"I ask him, 'Where is your finger now?'"
"Son: 'I put it back on'."
"I said, 'Can I talk to the nurse?'"
"Nurse gets on the phone again, says, 'Sounds serious, right?'"
"I asked, 'does he have a substitute teacher today?'"
"Ahhhhh... yes."
"I told the nurse to let him know I will take him to the hospital for a shot for his finger, to which he says 'I think it's OK. I glued it on really good'."
"Nurse kept him in the office for a bit to talk about scary changes in the classroom."- cat9tail
Crying Wolf Ruins It For Everyone
"I don’t know why anyone would want to fake anything medical."
"Unconsciousness in particular."
"I got a compound fracture recently and called 911 on myself and was put on hold."
"Fun stuff."
"But got through and asked them to send help."
"Operator was a badass and kept asking me questions to keep me conscious."
"The ambulance folks arrive, casually got out of the ambulance, walk up to me and then saw the bone sticking out of my body, and said, quote, 'Oh! You’re actually hurt!'"
"YES! Did you think I called 911 because I spilled some lemonade?"
"Then it occurred to me that most of their calls must be horsesh*t."
"But to cause me even more confusion, I received close to a $2000 bill for the privilege of actual help and the ride to the hospital."
"That ludicrous bill is no fault of the EMS.
"I’m very much appreciative of their existence and they don’t get nearly enough credit, but the best part of receiving that bill?"
"The ambulance ride was roughly $1850."
"The fentanyl they gave me was $2.15."- KedaZ1
bart simpson run GIFGiphyCan You Repeat That?
"My sister is a pediatric audiologist and this is my favorite story of hers."
"Apparently, sometime in elementary school, usually the early grades, a ton of kids like to fake hearing loss."
"Like not just 'oh, I can’t hear the teacher'.”
"Full on, want to get hearing aids, etc."
"Anyway, she explained to me that based on the way she plays the tones, you can usually tell if someone is faking."
"Especially when they just pretend they can’t hear anything.'
"But it’s not 100%, obviously, because hearing loss patterns can be really weird."
"However, she’s caught a number of kids simply by saying, 'okay, so I’m going to play [a random number] of tones and they’ll go in both ears'."
"I want you to say ‘yes’ if you hear it and ‘no’ if you don’t'.”- rbickfor1988
People will likely continue to fake illness in order to get out of something till the end of time.
And power to anyone who can successfully dupe their doctor.
Though, there's anyone one should always be in a trusting, honest relationship with, it's the person in charge of making sure you're healthy.
Something to consider.
