It seems like a lot of people share my pain. Thanks Reddit, you make me feel less alone. GiuseppeJO3 asked:
How were you disciplined as a child?
Be warned, a lot of these punishments can be a little questionable, to say the least.
This encourages bad emotional habits.
“'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.'"
“My parents would often use our imaginations against us like this. 'I'm coming upstairs, and not gonna come empty handed,' etc. Sometimes I think Judo-ing our own creativity against us was worse than anything."
Break that chain.
Mothers Day Wtf GIF by IFCGiphy“My mother was a stay at home mom/frustrated housewife who would take her frustrations out on me. I was spanked quite often. One time I kept track and I was struck in some form for 33 straight days. That was the record. She even carried a wooden spoon in her purse for easy access when we weren't at home. Often a wooden spoon would break while she was beating me and that would REALLY piss her off. Looking back, I should have given her a new set of wooden spoons every year for a Mother's Day present to piss her off.
The most confusing thing to me was that I was a GOOD KID!! I was too afraid to be otherwise. When I became older and confronted her, she told me that it was BECAUSE of the beatings that I turned out to be the great person I was.
When I had kids I broke the chain. No beatings. When they wanted to hang out with grandma, I pulled her aside and told her that if she ever laid a hand (or wooden spoon) on them...I would kill her."
Schools are just as guilty.
“As a kid, time out and isolation. It also came with losing points so it took me forever to get to the level where I could talk with my classmates or get up from my desk during breaks.
In High School, they would take away electives.
My parents only punished me if the school complained hard enough. I wasn't bad at home because my parents wouldn't berate me for things I didn't do.”
Other times, disciplinary actions are meant to strengthen character.
THIS is the way to raise a child.
“So many sh*tty parents in the world, hitting, abusing, punishing kids.
When I lived with my uncle he used to lead by example, prepare kids for situations, use time out as a means of emotional regulation, use natural and logical consequences, talk you through things and teach you, be extremely selective about what mattered, understand the stages of child development, and had a huge amount of patience.
Be more like him.
Also, he has 8 kids. All different personalities, all different temperaments, all different challenges, all different levels of hmmm, let's call it 'perseverance'. He's never hit any of us. Don't be coming at me with "oh, but some kids..." or "oh, but some situations...". People hit kids because they want to."
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Not surprising.
Disappointed Schitts Creek GIF by CBCGiphy“My mom would yell and scream and take our toys/phones away. My dad would sit me down and say "I'm very disappointed in you."
My dad's method was always the most effective.”
Level headed parents are the best.
“I grew up in the 70s with very level headed parents. My dad would just slide his reading glasses down to the end of his nose and say 'well, let's revisit what happened'. No yelling, I think 2 spankings in my life. My husband grew up with a very strict 'whip your a**” Air Force colonel dad.”
“That was my Dad, too, but I much preferred the "2 halfhearted swats on the butt and it's back out to play" vs. "Let's analyze your mistake for evvvver". I was lucky, though, because he raised three kids to adulthood before me so nothing really fazed him.”
Lesson learned.
“I knew where my parents hid the presents for Christmas: under the bed. So one day, age 6, I "casually" roll off of their bed while watching tv with my family. I came up and announced that I saw NOTHING. My very wise mom later figured out what I saw, a Christmas Barbie I REALLY wanted. Next day she takes me to the grocery store where there is a toy drive. She makes me donate that exact doll to the drive.
As an adult, I love this so much. As a kid, I was so so sad. Edit: I still got the doll for Christmas. My mom tricked me. Sorry, important detail.”
Parents- be sure to not traumatize your kids. It’s the bare minimum.
Makes for a very tough childhood.
Get Out Parenting GIF by A24Giphy“I was disciplined by my school.
As far as home is concerned, parents didn't discipline me, they completely controlled me, manipulated me and verbally abused me. I wasn't even allowed to play with friends or do any sports or anything extracurricular.”
……wtf.
“The most common punishment for me as a child was water boarding. I would be dragged by the hair to the kitchen pined of the counter and have water from the sink run over my face until I almost blacked out. This was used for anything from messing up on a chore to talking in the wrong tone of voice. Worst part this was done by foster parents.”
Spanking needs to end.
“I would get spanked in front of people. The worst one in my opinion was getting spanked in front of family members I didn't like. This was followed by teases and encouragement from others that my spanking wasn't enough."
Anyway, sorry to end this on a sad note, but this should be a wake-up call to parents that treat their children this way. They WILL end up seriously traumatized, and that WILL affect them as adults.
I swear, some people don’t deserve to be parents.
One of my mother's failures is that life is never enough. I would bring home a test with a 96 grade.. which is a clear and solid "A"... and she always asked... where are the other 4 points? Do you know how belittling that is? As if I've accomplished nothing?
I'm Unique
Happy Hour Drinking GIF by BBCGiphy"Comparing them to their siblings, the good old, "why can't you be more like (brother/sister)?" That does nothing for their self esteem and really can keep them from becoming their own person. That's all they should be anyway, themselves, not their siblings."
- llcucf80
Admit It
"Refusing to admit when they're wrong/apologize. Victimizing themself instead of acknowledging that they messed up. Having kids before they've fully grown up/having kids before they've gone to therapy to address their own childhood trauma, as this just causes undue trauma on their kids."
I'm your kid!
"As an only child, being compared to my neighbor's kids, or to their co-worker's kids, or to their friends' kids. It sucks being compared to somebody else especially by your own parents. I'm a parent myself and my mom still does that to me and now to my 15 month old. Doesn't matter though, its something that I don't want my child to hear from me."
- migoxxi
Therapy
"Telling your kids your personal problems. Like 'your dad is horrible, he didn't even do the dishes, I hate my marriage.' Your kids are not your therapist. Also they can't do anything to solve your problem. Instead address your issues with your spouse and a therapist."
Sorry?
i'm sorry homer simpson GIFGiphy"Refusing to apologize when you're wrong."
"I sacrificed so much for you, I provided for your needs/I'm your parent, why should I apologize?"
- migoxxi
Oof. Those are all good. Why is an apology so difficult? Kids are made to give them all of the time. And therapy is always a must. Don't ever run from it.
Shhhh....
Schitts Creek Please GIF by CBCGiphy"Invalidating their emotions, be it ignoring or shutting them down."
The Media Way
"Less of a parenting tactic and more of a tactic parents use: contriving a video (featuring their kid) to post to social media. It's super common, I don't understand how so many people are fooled into thinking they're genuine."
"I'm a parent, and I have never done this, because I think it's terrible to try and embarrass your child that badly in public like that. And my kid has had a couple of procedures after which he was kind of loopy- other parent friends asked me if I'd videoed him, I said no, and they were disappointed in me. Excuse me for my first priority being taking care of my kid, rather than videoing him."
genders...
"Saying that a kid has a boyfriend/girlfriend any time they are close friends with a child who isn't the same gender. On top of reinforcing the idea that boys and girls can't ever be strictly platonic friends, it's so creepy to project adult ideas of romantic relationships onto kids who are practically still toddlers."
Tomfoolery...
"You can tell me and I won't be mad" followed by punishing them for whatever they admit. then they wonder why their kids never talk to them."
"Taking away their privacy. unless your kid has a serious drug or self-harm problem, violating their privacy will almost certainly do more harm than good to their mental health, trust, and their relationship to you. it doesn't matter if it's installing spyware on their phones, tracking their movements, or taking away their bedroom door."
- SinkTube
Lies
Just Kidding Wink GIF by Robert E BlackmonGiphy"Gaslighting their children into believing things that are simply not true in order to defend themselves."
I am now even more solidified in my non-parenting reserve. But the rest of you can learn to do better. In the end, all you have to be is a good person. Lead with that.
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