People Confess The Real Reason They Don't Want To Have Kids
There are people who spend their adolescence and early adulthood dreaming of being a parent.
And those people should have every opportunity to achieve that dream for as long as it remains a life goal.
Then there are people who never feel the pull to be a parent.
But society tends to only ask one group "why."
Repeatedly.
While asking any person that question is rude AF—seriously, don't ask people why they don't have/want children—the anonymous realm of AskReddit is a different environment where people can be honest with few repercussions.
So Redditor Ekudar asked:
"What made you not want to have kids?"
So much work...
"To be honest, I'm too lazy to be a parent."
"Plus I'm terrified of the idea of pregnancy and labor."
- _elisheba_
GiphyKnow your limitations...
"When I realised that having a kid would mean that kid would have me as a parent."
- WhyDoIHaveRules
Not ready...
"This lowkey scared tf out of me. Made me imagine myself being responsible for another human being… and all of their life experiences, and providing for all of their needs, and wants?
"Oh my God. No."
"Kids are an amazing treasure, but you have to be mentally, financially, and emotionally sound for them. Because it’s no longer YOUR life. You can’t transfer your bullsh*t onto them—because they’ll end up dealing with that when they’re older."
Giphy"In an ideal world, I’d love to have a kid. But pregnancy/labor scares me, I’m not mentally ready, not financially prepared, I like my alone time, I do NOT have the patience, I’m far too selfish, I can’t cook, and honestly—I love my cat more."
"In my head it seems nice. But that’s not reality. And that’s not fair to a human life. The maternal instinct is there, but my own selfish wants/needs right now outweigh any want for a kid."
- Abandoned_Asylum
Never my dream...
"I never decided to not have kids. Kind of assumes I wanted some then something changed my mind."
"I don't want kids because I never have wanted kids. I've never felt any longing or fondness for babies. No part of having children ever appealed to me."
"I don't feel the need to force myself to have kids despite all the pressure from family and friends, so I made sure I never had any."
- LakotaGrl
Giphy$$$...
"I'm broke and I hate noise."
- quantum_ice
Sssshhhh...
"The sheer fact that I enjoy peace and quiet is enough.
"I love my godson and would die to protect him but I don’t want him living with me (godfather responsibilities aside)."
- HellfireKyuubi
So much to worry about...
"Lack of freedom especially to travel, constantly worrying about someone else/being responsible for them, the state of the world, my own mental health stuff that can be genetic, knowing pregnancy is incredibly dangerous, having 4 friends very recently have their first children and seeing them miserable, the idea of forever being a mom."
"It's all overwhelming.
"Plus I see kids everyday with behavioral and mental health problems. I kinda just don't want to risk that being my kid."
- AmeslJ55
...when people who probably shouldn't have had kids do...
"Ugh. Teaching them to read, acting as a lifeguard any time we were around water, trying to patch their wounds or reassure them school isn’t so scary…"
"My brother is dyslexic and my sister has a learning disability. I taught them both to write their names and would always help them with homework before working on my own."
"I don’t recall my parents being anywhere nearby in 95% of my childhood memories."
"I love kids but the stress of raising kids as a kid has deterred me from ever even considering that sort of responsibility again."
- livelaughween
"My mother's mental illness left the lion's share of supervision and housekeeping to me at the expense of my own education (we also had not nearly enough resources for the number of children)."
"The despair of those years turned me off ever being responsible for a child again. I love my siblings with all my heart, but they nearly broke me."
- PixieDrifter
Not my dream, Part 2...
"Honestly, no idea."
"Just never envisioned a future with children."
- MultipleHipFlasks
...and Part 3.
"The idea of having kids never entered my mind, unless other people brought it up.
"I married a woman who had mostly grown kids, so it was just a couple years of taking care of them and that was it."
"I have grandkids now, and every time they visit, I'm grateful I never had kids of my own. My stepkids are exhausted, broke financially, and always on the go."
"I'm more than happy to sit in my chair, watch movies, play video games, and max chill."
- Jeremy_Smith75
Society pressures people to procreate, but if it's not for you, then you do you.
Just say no to unwanted children.
Children are amazing, magical, hilarious, wondrous, brilliant little beings. Please don't have them unless you really, really want them.
Those amazing, magical, hilarious, wondrous, brilliant little beings demand a LOT of time, resources, mental energy, physical energy ... like ... a lot.
There's a reason animals who raise their young do pretty much nothing BUT raise their young when they're a parent. It's hard, fam. But it's just what you're supposed to do at some point, right?
At one point that was the pervasive thinking, absolutely, and people do still seem to assume that if you're an adult in a long term relationship that kids are an inevitable thing. You're just supposed to have them, or at least WANT to have them as far as much of society is still concerned.
But tides are changing. People are starting to think of children as the kind of major life decision that requires some consideration - and lots are considering it and going "Nah."
But why? For those answers, we turn to this reddit thread:
Redditors who have decided they don't want to have children, what is your reasoning?
Look, at the end of the day we feel like just not wanting them is absolutely reason enough not to have them. They change EVERYTHING and are innocent in that, but may find themselves deeply resented by their parents for it. They didn't ask to be born, but are often the ones to suffer most for it.
So unless you really want them, it's probably best to avoid having them. If that's not a good enough reason, there are plenty more here for you to browse through.
Kids can - and should - be the absolute joy of your life if you want them. But not everyone does, and that's okay.
At one point that was the pervasive thinking, absolutely, and people do still seem to assume that if you're an adult in a long term relationship that kids are an inevitable thing. You're just supposed to have them, or at least WANT to have them as far as much of society is still concerned.
But tides are changing. People are starting to think of children as the kind of major life decision that requires some consideration - and lots are considering it and going "Nah."
But why? For those answers, we turn to this reddit thread:
Redditors who have decided they don't want to have children, what is your reasoning?
Look, at the end of the day we feel like just not wanting them is absolutely reason enough not to have them. They change EVERYTHING and are innocent in that, but may find themselves deeply resented by their parents for it. They didn't ask to be born, but are often the ones to suffer most for it.
So unless you really want them, it's probably best to avoid having them. If that's not a good enough reason, there are plenty more here for you to browse through.
Kids can - and should - be the absolute joy of your life if you want them. But not everyone does, and that's okay.
Terms And Conditions Apply
It is my belief that if you are going to have kids you should love them unconditionally no matter what. I have conditions.
Good on you for recognising that. Most people don't or lie to themselves that they don't. They push their conditions on their children under the guise of 'parenting' and 'knowing what's best/wisdom' and give their children lifelong psychological and emotional issues.
Caretaker Burnout
GiphyI took care of ALL of my parents' needs when they both fell devastatingly "cant wipe my own a$$" ill. My mom was sick for a couple years before passing due to diabetes Type 1 complications, then a year later my dad had a crazy bad stroke that took 3 years to moderately recover from.
My boyfriend was around to help me through both of these experiences thankfully, but its opened our eyes to how demanding taking care of another person is and we're not sure we're up for it. Could just be burn out as we could always change our minds later.
- Ayame550
Took care of both my parents when they were sick and helped raise my younger brother. Caring for people takes a lot of time, patience and is emotionally exhausting. My parents have since passed and my brother is older so he's more independent. This was all in my 20's. I'm drained. I want the rest of my life to be simple and focused on personal goals.
The Only Thing Worse Off Than You Is Your Kids
So many parents are uneducated individuals with no morals who don't discipline their kids and can't afford a twinkie, yet think they're parents-of-the-century. I feel like saying - No, you shouldn't have been a parent and you're an idiot for thinking otherwise.
I hate when people tell me I'd be a great parent. Like how would you know? The only thing worse off than you is your kids... but of course I can't say that..
Just No
I intentionally stopped answering this question a long time ago.
Nobody ever asks people who do want children what is their reasoning.
I could give you any number of reasons ranging from "My childhood wasn't that happy" to "I just don't see my life panning out that way", but when you get right down to it, I just don't want to and I don't understand people who do.
The Younger Sibling Trial
I had to raise my brothers, I got the free trial and want none of that sh!t.
Yep, same here, raised my two younger sisters, and my parents just can't understand why I am not giving them grandchildren. Yeah, been there, done that. No thank you.
Not The Default
I believe that children are a very serious and irreversible lifelong commitment and that the majority of society is wrong to consider them the default option rather than a conscious choice you make for good reasons.
With that belief in mind, I simply have no compelling reason for why I should have children and so I don't have them, because they should be an opt-in rather than an opt-out.
A List
- I don't think this (fcked up) world needs more people.
- I don't like children.
- I don't see myself as a parent and don't think I'd be good at it.
- I don't want to give up stuff like traveling to be responsible for another human who depends on me.
I'm a 25 year old woman. I hate hearing "you'll find the right man to have children with" - no, no I won't. I never wanted kids and I never will.
Get A Dog
GiphyI like kids and think they're cute, so I was like "maybe I really do want kids?"
Then I saw a dog and got 100% more excited than I ever am upon seeing a kid. I think that's a pretty solid sign...
I Can't Even Handle Me
I can barely handle my own emotions, what would I do with a young child that needs, well, whatever a young child needs?! I can barely handle my own fckin health what would I do with a small spawn that needs 3x as much??
100% The Money
It's 100% money for me. I'm the youngest of four, and all my life I've seen the havoc that a unplanned (hell even a planned) pregnancy can have on finances. Two of my siblings had plans for their lives but when kids happened those plans didn't. Another of my sister's straight up didn't even get a chance to have a future because she got pregnant in her early 20's and didn't even get a chance to go to college.
Only one of my siblings had kids and is alright financially, but that's because she worked her butt off for years, got married to a guy who also worked his butt off for years, and when they were in a financially stable position they had kids.
- Tupiekit
Contributing To A Different Population
I'm aromantic/asexual, so the idea of baby-making absolutely repulses me. No man is using my body like that ever. At first, it kinda sucked because I really want to have a family, but I realized that I have a horrible relationship with my siblings, so there's no guarantee that I'd even like my kids. I had an awful, lonely childhood and all the things I would have needed are things I simply don't have time to provide.
On top of all that, I have a birth defect that would give me a 60-75% chance of even carrying a baby to term and on top of that, my misshapen uterus would likely give the baby birth defects too. Even if I don't want kids, I know myself well enough to know that losing a baby would still wreck me emotionally, and I'd be at risk of multiple miscarriages and stillbirths. No way! Plus, I have ADHD and depression, both highly genetic conditions. It would be pretty horrible for me to risk passing any of that onto an innocent child just for my own fulfillment, not to mention extremely selfish.
Ironically enough, I'm considering breeding Cavalier King Charles Spaniels one day, so maybe I'll contribute to a different population. Cavaliers are angels.
Refuse To Put Another Person Through This
I have ADHD and a panic disorder. I can barely take care of myself, let alone another tiny human being. I'm also terrified of passing on my anxiety issues to anyone else, it's made my life a living hell and stole my teen years from me. I refuse to put anyone else through them.
- digicow
After Abuse
It's a lot of factors for me. Im 32 years old, asexual and sex repulsed due to severe sexual abuse in my childhood. This coupled with the fact that I have depression and anxiety and would have to go off said medication to have a child, opening me up to post partum depression and generally not being able to cope, I don't think it would be fair to subject a child to that.
My mother had me after years of abuse in a bad marriage and while she wasn't abusive towards me in any way, she had a lot less tolerance for me than she did my siblings, I feel. It's not her fault but I still feel it stunted her emotionally somehow.
Perhaps I might adopt in later life as I would like to give a disadvantaged child a chance at a good life when I am financially stable but I can't see that happening for at least another decade.
The Worst Accident
I have just never had a desire or interest. Children change your life entirely and if they don't, I think you're doing it wrong. I like my life as is. I'm not maternal and I think unless you're at least 95% in you shouldn't do it. I'm not even 5% in.
It always fascinates me that getting pregnant can happen by accident. It's the biggest life altering decision you can accidentally fall into. You've never accidentally bought a car. Most people spend more time debating a car purchase than having a child. It's insane.
I've also always hated when women, and it's almost always women, tell me I'll change my mind. I've been saying this since I was 16. I'm 32 and it's none of your damn business. Could you imagine if I told a pregnant woman she'd change her mind?
Just Not For Me
I don't think I ever decided, but it's something I just always knew. I'm not nurturing or caring especially towards kids and becoming pregnant wouldn't change that. I'm not the type to coo when I see baby. It's not that I hate children, I just don't particularly like them. Almost all of the time I just want to not interact with them and when I'm forced to it's just awkward for the kid and myself.
The idea of raising a life and being responsible for them, teaching them how to essentially be human is hard and terrifying. I'm a very strict person and I feel that my own upbringing would subconsciously affect how I would raise a child in a negative manner. The idea of someone depending on me in a maternal way has always left a visceral feeling that I can't explain and just makes me panic.
I have mental/health related problems and I don't want to even risk giving those issues to a child.
For "selfish" reasons, I just want to live for myself, do what I want when I want, and live an independent life. None of the things I want to do in life have a kid in the picture.
I sometimes think that people have kids because they think it's the natural progression of life or for whatever other reason they decide to bring life into this world, but I don't think it's something I need to do just because it's what's expected of me. The belief that I need to have a child to become a "woman" or that I need to have a child to have a "fulfilling life" is not something people can decide for me.
It's always been a little strange to me why people don't ask why others want kids rather than why they don't.
In other words, it's just not for me.
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.
Sure, family isn't always defined by blood, but more often than not a DNA test isn't needed to prove relations. Kids turn into their parents, sometimes really early in life... and develop the same quirky habits as their moms and dads.
d0uble0h asked parents of Reddit: What's something your kid has done that made you go "No DNA test needed. That kid is mine?"
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Mom Who Questioned Whether Timeouts Are Actually Good for Kids Is Sparking a Heated Debate About Parenting
One mom blogger challenged parents to look at the way they punish their kids.
Now it's sparked a debate
Mom blogger, Laura Muhl, wrote a post that suggests parents look at the way they handle toddlers and punishment. Most kids have been put in a corner for misbehaving, but Muhl challenged that idea.
Timeout is used for any infraction from whining over nothing to throwing things or hitting others. And Muhl claimed timeout leads to long term issues for children.
Muhl started her post with a quote from L.R Knost's book The Gentle Parent:
"Perhaps the reason teens isolate themselves when they're overwhelmed instead of coming to us with their problems is because when they're toddlers we isolate them when they're overwhelmed instead of helping them with their problems."
These words spoke to Muhl when she read the book. It sparked something in her that she felt needed to be shared.
Muhl added her own take on it:
"When our kids are small and trying to manage emotions, they can't express what they are feeling. They throw tantrums, they throw things, they have meltdowns, they scream and they whine. This is their way of communicating with us."
Muhl went on to suggest that this isolation is teaching children to suppress their feelings. According to Muhl's interpretation of Knost's work, this causes children to pull away from their parents when they are teens because they have been taught to suppress their emotions.
Muhl said:
"Give your child permission to feel. Let them know their feelings are valid and that you care, no matter how small. Make sure they know that they are heard."
"Pretty soon meltdowns over crayons will turn into breakups, heartbreak, sex, or even depression. You want your child to know that you will always hear them, no matter how small. You are their safe space."
Parents weighed in on both sides of the argument.
The post quickly racked up a whopping 4000 comments both for and against timeouts. Those who agreed with Muhl liked the idea of a steady and balanced approach to dealing with toddlers and their tantrums.
Other parents stood on the "Hard No" side of the line. Citing lack of discipline in today's youth, they blamed isolation in teens on cellphones and social media.
There were also those parents who use timeouts to pull their children out of the situation.
This gives the child a chance to calm down and step out of the situation. After the child calms down, it gives the parents and child a chance to talk over what caused the problem in the first place.
Child Behaviour Research Clinic at University of Sydney in Australia recently did a study in regards to timeouts. The study showed that children are happier when given timeouts.
It also showed that timeouts are still the most effective form of punishments for the very young child.
Professor Mark Dadds, based at the University's Brain and Mind Centre, stated:
"In 30 years, we've treated thousands of kids with disruptive behavior. When we use time-out as part of a positive parenting program, kids are much happier and much more regulated."
This study, and other smaller ones, have shown the same thing. Timeouts are more effective than physical forms of punishment.
After the comments, whether for or against, started pouring in, Muhl stated:
"A lot of people misunderstood my words and interpreted it as me saying to never discipline your child. This is totally not the case. As an adult, when something stressful happens, I don't want to be sent off to cry it out. Being left to cry it out is being told that they shouldn't have those feelings in the first place."
She continued with:
"Everything we do shapes their emotional brain for the rest of their lives. Being mindful of our own actions and the effects we have on our child is so important ... [as is] making sure that your child knows that they are loved and heard and capable of making better choices going forward."
Time out chairs grace Pintrest boards and Facebook marketplaces.
As kids, many of us sat in chairs in corners while waiting for our parents to let us up. Emotions are better conveyed if a person can pull themselves from a situation and calm down before talking things over.
But the generation before us were spanked. The generation before them went to the woodshed with a belt or a switch.
Discipline evolves over time.
ChildMind.org explains it best.
"That means a lot of affection and positive feedback for kids, but also consistent consequences when they act inappropriately. Timeouts help you communicate that behavior is unacceptable without blowing your top."
The FDA Has Approved The First Drug To Treat Postpartum Depression—But It'll Cost You
Most medications in the US are staggeringly expensive, but new ones are often the worst.
According to the American Psychological Association, approximately one in seven women suffer from postpartum depression (PPD).
The APA describes the possible symptoms of PPD as:
- A loss of pleasure or interest in things you used to enjoy, including sex
- Eating much more, or much less, than you usually do
- Anxiety—all or most of the time—or panic attacks
- Racing, scary thoughts
- Feeling guilty or worthless—blaming yourself
- Excessive irritability, anger or agitation—mood swings
- Sadness, crying uncontrollably for very long periods of time
- Fear of not being a good mother
- Fear of being left alone with the baby
- Misery
- Inability to sleep, sleeping too much, difficulty falling or staying asleep
- Disinterest in the baby, family, and friends
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions
- Thoughts of hurting yourself or the baby (see below for numbers to call to get immediate help).
PPD can affect anyone who has recently given birth, whether it is their first child or not. Socioeconomic class, race, age, education or location make no difference.
The FDA has just approved a drug specifically for the treatment of PPD, and it is making waves. Partially because it is a revolutionary development, and partially because of the sheer cost of that treatment.
According to Vox, the treatment will cost around $34,000, not including the price of the hospital stay necessary to administer it.
Anyone seeking brexanolone (trade name Zolressa) has to check themselves into a hospital certified to administer the drug.
Treatment will take 60 hours of constant IV infusion, necessitating a multi-day hospital stay.
For those with severe PPD, though, the price and the process may be worth it.
Dr. Lucy Puryear, who is the medical director of Center for Reproductive Psychiatry at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women in Houston and who was not involved with the clinical trials in any way, described brexanolone as a "game changer" for those with severe PPD:
"These are women who often are thinking about dying. They aren't able to function, aren't getting out of bed."
There were many people on social media heartened to hear there was a new and effective PPD treatment.
@cnnbrk Wonderful news for new moms! Having been part of a postpartum depression outpatient program I am so encouraged— Leslie #MyAmerica (@Leslie #MyAmerica) 1553037448
@cnnbrk This is HUGE for women's mental health! As an organization dedicated to helping moms, dads, providers and b… https://t.co/MpIrd9rWLg— Postpartum Support International (PSI) (@Postpartum Support International (PSI)) 1553103050
Several people commented on the sheer price of the drug.
@cnnbrk I think this sounds amazing, but the cost of it is just insane. How many people could realistically afford… https://t.co/LNyCjUoA0h— zanni (@zanni) 1553108190
@sarahkliff Why should any drug cost so much?— OkeyMor Taking a stand for justice with receipts (@OkeyMor Taking a stand for justice with receipts) 1553089477
@NIMHDirector @cbulik @nytimes Shame it requires 60 hr infusion, 30k/dose price tag, and hospitalization to receive (+ cost of hospital).— Abby Sarrett-Cooper (@Abby Sarrett-Cooper) 1553087557
Others noted the effects of the method of delivery.
@NIMHDirector @cbulik @nytimes Shame it requires 60 hr infusion, 30k/dose price tag, and hospitalization to receive (+ cost of hospital).— Abby Sarrett-Cooper (@Abby Sarrett-Cooper) 1553087557
Dr. Samantha Meltzer-Brody, director of perinatal psychiatry at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and principal investigator of the clinical trials for brexanolone, commented on the promise of the drug:
"This is for postpartum depression, but it is a step in understanding how we treat depression more broadly. We have had the same treatments for depression for 30 years. There's an enormous need for new, novel ways to treat depression, and to treat it quickly."
If you think you might be suffering from PPD, consult your doctor. If you are worried you might harm yourself or your family, here are some ways to get immediate help:
- Postpartum Health Alliance's 24-hour hotline: 1-800-PPD-MOMS
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
If you just need to talk to someone who understands, here are some good options:
- Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773
- Postpartum Health Alliance's warmline (staffed by people who have overcome PPD and know the struggle): 619-254-0023
PPD can be overcome, and this new treatment is another tool in the doctors' arsenal.