Redditor PM_for_life_secrets wanted to know who was willing to share some, unique, male crotch tales, so they asked:
"What is your penis 'horror story?'”
I'm not a fan of these kinds of stories, of course that doesn't stop me from reading.
Let me sit first.
The Farter
"Two parts. I was in hospital waiting for a cystoscopy. 15 years old. Sat in the bed, the consultant comes around. He's doing teaching rounds."
Giphy"He flips the sheet down, and reveals to all the students the glory that is my penis. After the cystoscopy, they've (I assume) vacuumed out the urine so they can see clearly with the camera. I go to pee. I get pfft pfft pffttt pffffttt. My penis was farting. It was both horrifying and impressive." ~ shemmie
Inflation
"When I was 8 I tried to inflate my penis with a soccer ball pump. I’d heard of penis pumps but looking back I didn’t quite understand the concept. I stuck the needle into my urethra and inflated a few pushes."
"It gave me A half chub and a strong urge to urinate. I tried to go pee but I just kinda farted out of my penis hole and the pee splattered everywhere like a sprinkler. 20 years later I get sharp pains randomly when I urinate. I’m almost positive I have a urethral structure." ~ Imafish12
A Flayed Penis...
"I had a patient who had really bad edema and would not quit trying to masturbate. He fell asleep or something with his foreskin retracted and his penis swelled up from the fluid but his foreskin didn't stretch and basically turned into a tourniquet."
"Went in to give him his bath and his penis was turning blue from the lack of blood flow. Called the urologist for help and he told me I had to go in there and squeeze the living hell out of his penis so the fluid would be pushed back into his body and his foreskin could be slid back down."
"I spent about 45 minutes with my hands clamped around his penis while my coworkers restrained him because he kept trying to punch me. Also gangrene of the penis and scrotum is real. Nothing like changing a wound vac on someone's flayed penis and scrotum." ~ seventhirtytwoam
Don't Grab!
"I was 4 years old and uncircumsized. While in a changing room at a swimming pool with my mother and her aunt. The aunt said 'his foreskin does not look right. it looks too tight is that ok?' "
"She reached out and grabbed it and pulled it tearing it open. I had to be taken to the hospital and was circumcised the next day as she had torn it too bad to be repaired." ~ stinkload
Case Closed
"When I was a toddler, two of my favorite things were accidentally mixed: being naked, and snapping books shut when I was done reading/looking at them." ~ StagDT93
GiphyI need a minute before we continue.
Why is there always so much blood?
Not THERE!!!
"Came home from camp and it turned out I had a tic on the head of my penis. I totally freaked out." ~ addisonaddisonii
GiphyBad Idea...
"Around the time I met my (now) wife, I was whoring around a bit. Well, I stopped seeing the other girls and started dating just my current wife. A couple weeks after we met, I started getting that painful, drip-d*ck. Had to call everyone to tell them someone had an STD."
"I go get checked out and a couple days later they call me back and said I didn’t have any STD but they found what looked like a fungal infection similar to athlete's foot. It dawned on me that a few weeks before, I was at the gym and decided to hit the tanning bed before I left, had nothing to put on my d*ck because I didn’t want it to burn. Decided to put my sock on it… bad idea." ~ Gluten_maximus
Lost Penis
"So, I am a nurse and work in a nursing home. This one time we got a patient for a short stay that had just had a partial penectomy (they removed about 2 inches of penis including the whole head). He had a catheter in with stitches around what penis he had left. Well, the man pulled the catheter out."
"(A catheter has a 10-30ml balloon that gets blown up inside of your bladder to keep the catheter from just sliding out.) He pulled the catheter out with the balloon intact and completely ripped open all of the stitches and essentially flowered what little penis he had left. I walk in the room to see the catheter bag laying on the floor and his bed covered in blood. He lost even more of his penis because of this." ~ PrincessShelbyy
Rashed...
"Early 20's, a lovely young lady was astride me for car sex outside of a bar. She had on a dress and thought it a good idea to move her panties to the side while she got on top me. The material rubbed my shaft raw and the next day my penis looked like a Tijuana hotdog."
"Had to go to base medical as it was extremely uncomfortable and wouldn't heal. Navy corpsmen are a sadistic but humorous bunch, so I had multiple nicknames after they saw my roadrash." ~ DefinitelyNotRyanH
Bad Jump
"When I was like 10 I tried to jump an aluminum fence, I slipped and cut the tip of my penis on the edge... thank God I didn't lose it." ~ Yurrrr__Brooklyn347
GiphyOld School
"My parents took me to an old-school doc who felt that my foreskin needed to be retractable by a certain age. I want to say I was some age between 3 and 5 years old. Multiple sessions of painful forced retraction. I haven't asked my parents about it, but my mother related a story about her parents trapping her uncle in the bathroom and forcing his foreskin back while he screamed."
"This story was related in regards to her regret in not having me circumcized. I remember reading that foreskin detachment progresses at different rates and it's only an issue if it hasn't happened by puberty. I'm not a doctor though."
dontpointatface
Flare Ups
"I have what I suspect is IBS, or at least some intestinal issues. I can get flare ups, which involves massive bloating for hours, as well as pain. Eventually things begin moving and the description of that is not relevant or wanted, I'm sure. Anyways, one morning I'm dealing with it. I've been awake all night, and I've learned that it's easier when I'm standing instead of lying down."
"I'm wearing my thick bathrobe, restlessly pacing and feeling generally miserable for myself. My wife wakes up, and notices I'm not in bed so comes to check on how I'm doing. To cheer me up, she reaches out playfully to touch my penis, sticking out from my open robe."
"She doesn't know that I've been basically shuffling my feet on carpet for two hours while wearing what amounts to a fluffy battery. What follows is a visible, thick bolt of Zeus' fury and an echoing SNAP as a static discharge arcs between my penis and her outstretched finger. There's no lasting damage, but I'll never forget the sight of that neon blue line connecting us."
Storm_Bard
The Sizzle
"When I was a kid I just jumped out of the shower and we had one of those oil bar heaters on wheels in the bathroom. I had just enough clearance height to stand over it but had to hold the lil fella up. Well I accidentally dropped it and it fell onto the heater and sizzled a lil bit."
MJReginald
Stand by Me
"5th grade camp. Went the whole weekend not using the bathroom. Got home and peed to find roughly 40 ticks on my dick. I want to put it in a movie to share the trauma."
didymostl
River Phoenix Film GIFGiphyBad Shepard
'Went to adopt a German Shepherd. While playing with it outside the Humane Society, it got excited and bit the tip of my penis. I thought my soul left my body."
Local_Membership_306
"Had a German Shepherd bite through my shoe when I was a kid. Still the one breed that makes me a little nervous. They just seem a bit off."
justabill71
Birth Pains
"When my penis gave birth to a KIDNEY STONE."
placer128
"Yes. I had one. I felt it coming for a bit but it hadn’t been working it’s way down. It was relatively small so it wasn’t a cause of great concern for myself or the doctor."
"Well, mine apparently was sharp and a sharp edge got lodged into the sphincter between my ureter and bladder. The resulting swelling got it stuck more, and also clogged my ureter and started sending urine back up into my kidney."
"It felt like I had to take a massive piss but I couldn’t. I was able to get some relief at the ER, and then everything seemed fine until about a week later. Yea it hadn’t passed, it became just lodged different way. Urologist was able to get me. Good god the drugs were amazing to take that pain away."
JayWalterWeathermann
A Vile Tale
"One Sunday morning, my old housemate woke me with a vile tale. The night before, he’d been out drinking and met a lady. Now this lady was a little (a lot) older that he was at the time. Anyway, he went for it anyway and went home with the broad. The terms 'bone dry' and 'jackhammer' were used to describe the event."
"At the conclusion, he saw a puddle of blood. He questioned the lady about it assumed she was on her period, to which she responded 'love… I have menopause.' At this point he examined himself to find he had ripped his banjo string. For weeks I heard screens as he urinated in the bathroom adjacent to my room. Poor guy."
No-Figure8943
Shut In
"Before I was 10 we had this dresser we inherited that had been in a fire so the drawers were janky to open. So naturally I shut my penis in there because I wanted to see if I could get it back out. Couldn't. So after much oooing and hawing my mother came to my rescue and jimmied open the drawer. So a few minutes later naturally I shut my penis in there because I was SURE I could get it back out this time. Couldn't."
NoAir9583
Slithered
"I was making ramen when I was like 14 and I was in my boxers. I spilled the boiling water directly on my penis and balls, and the pain was like soul shocking. My dick ended up peeling like a snake."
G_man252
nat geo desert GIF by National Geographic ChannelGiphyBad Kitty
"I was rinsing my lil’ buddy off in the sink after sex with a friend. My beloved cat, who used to love drinking running water from the sink, leapt up onto the counter. He slipped in some spilled water and his back claws 'connected' with my penis, scratching all the way down the right side of my champion. The pain. The blood. I was out of action for weeks. 10/10 do not recommend. Still miss the cat though."
BennyBadass
I need to lay down.
Anyone else feeling faint?
How do you survive all that?
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When nurse Jessica Anderson applied for the record before running the London Marathon in her uniform from Royal London Hospital—scrub trousers and a scrub top—she was told she didn't qualify for the record.
They told her that the uniform she wears to work every day, in a hospital, as a nurse:
"does not comply with their 'criteria' of what a nurse wears."
Anderson spoke with Runner's World about the decision:
"I was quite taken aback when I read that they'd rejected my application and I did email them to ask them to reconsider but they said no."
"I get that it's supposed to be a fun thing but their definition is just so outdated. Some of the nurses I work with do wear dresses but mostly we wear scrubs or a tunic and trousers."
"I've certainly never seen a male nurse wearing a dress to work."
"I'm sure Guinness World Records don't intend to cause offence but it would be nice if they decided to revise their criteria instead of reinforcing old gender stereotypes."
Jessica posted a group photo with other nurses to Instagram after hearing Guinness World Records' decision.
Jessica finished the marathon in 3 hours, 8 minutes, and 22 seconds, beating the record by over 30 seconds.
The reaction to Guinness World Records' decision on Twitter was largely incredulous.
There are few, if any, nurses who still wear anything resembling the uniform GWR requires for the record.
@eyce_lsc @BBCNewsbeat In Canada, I haven't seen ANYONE wearing a dress uniform in 20 years!— Meemaw62 (@Meemaw62) 1557070969.0
@chickenprincess I was thinking the same thing! But yet they say the outfit she wore was too close to 'fancy dress… https://t.co/obeNkOD7zB— Mar Dixon 🍰 (@Mar Dixon 🍰) 1557047878.0
@BBCNewsbeat So they wanted her to wear a Halloween costume....WTF— Neptune's daughter♓ (@Neptune's daughter♓) 1557063377.0
I'm surprised by the 'she didn't follow the rules' people. Really? I mean you really think GWR was ok to have the… https://t.co/XKufgwkAC3— Mar Dixon 🍰 (@Mar Dixon 🍰) 1557063302.0
Others were supportive of her efforts to get the requirements for the record updated to match the uniforms of today.
🙌 Proud of @Janderzzz over £2k raised #LondonMarathon2019 and now taking on outdated views @GWR #WhatNursesWear… https://t.co/QUvYpY6guf— Barts Health (@Barts Health) 1556986321.0
@NHSBartsHealth @Janderzzz @GWR @RoyalLondonHosp They definitely need to update their definition of nurses in this… https://t.co/2uyek2HJsQ— jaycee (@jaycee) 1557089516.0
There was a call from The Student Nurse Project for nurses to share selfies to show what they really wear for work.
Following @GWR’s decision not to recognise @Janderzzz outstanding achievement as her nursing uniform didn’t match t… https://t.co/BoXbYvQSaV— The Student Nurse Project (@The Student Nurse Project) 1556967006.0
@StNurseProject @GWR @Janderzzz Sometimes I wear a tunic, sometimes I wear smart casual work wear, one placement Je… https://t.co/L4khbls944— Abby (@Abby) 1556997565.0
@StNurseProject @GWR @Janderzzz Hi @GWR, this is #WhatNursesWear. In Scotland, we have a national uniform - and gue… https://t.co/N2XDbLUefS— Craig Davidson StN 🏴🇬🇧🇪🇺🏳️🌈 (@Craig Davidson StN 🏴🇬🇧🇪🇺🏳️🌈) 1556967778.0
@StNurseProject @GWR @Janderzzz #WhatNursesWear https://t.co/yzoTKiFj4j— Tracy K RN (@Tracy K RN) 1557005095.0
@StNurseProject @GWR @Janderzzz All our uniforms are different. It's our passion for caring others that makes us nu… https://t.co/f096oqVi6X— #HelloMyNameIsYas (@#HelloMyNameIsYas) 1556999653.0
Jessica also set up a fundraiser through Just Giving to raise money for Barts Charity, which provides funding for research, equipment and various other projects at the hospitals of Barts Health NHS Trust.
GWR have since acknowledged the public outcry over their ruling, and will be working to review the record's requirements.
We're aware of the news surrounding Jessica Anderson’s attempt for the fastest marathon dressed a nurse at this yea… https://t.co/mw5TChs4Nm— GuinnessWorldRecords (@GuinnessWorldRecords) 1557002436.0
Jessica put in the effort and ran a great marathon, despite being told her uniform didn't qualify before the marathon. She put in the effort and broke the record in most people's minds.
