Redditor PurpleFlower99 wanted everyone to share who from entertainment we would call if we ended up a corpse, because we know they'd find our killer. Or killers.
"Which fictional detective would you trust to solve your murder?"
Oh... I forgot the cast of Criminal Minds. I love you Reed!
Kindness
No Way What GIF by RegalGiphy"Benoit Blanc."
liberty_knight1776
"Blanc took the time to talk kindly and respectfully to the victim's elderly mother. I would want someone that considerate in the room when my family got questioned."
Aduro95
Hey D!
"Dirk Gently, so the murder can be solved holistically."
anaccountofrain
"So true he’d figure it out in the weirdest way possible which is what I would want."
aroaceautisti
"Read the book. Yeah, the show didn’t do much for me either."
anaccountofrain
Perfect
nbc brooklyn 99 GIF by Brooklyn Nine-NineGiphy"Give my case to the Nine-Nine."
Billbapoker
"You’ve made a rookie mistake, it’s alright. But its actually… NINE-NINE !!"
RefrigeratorOk7249
"BING-POT!"
SatoshiUSA
Him
"Hieronymus 'Harry' Bosch."
Sea_Assistance_3211
"There’s really no other answer. I’m convinced that anyone posting anything else simply hasn’t seen the show or read the books."
Paddock9652
"Yeah, I am too unimportant for all those other detectives. Bosch would get it done regardless."
happy-gof**ckyourself
"Scrolled too far to see this. Harry Bosch without a doubt."
account-name-here-72
The Only
George Hamilton Watch GIFGiphy"Hercule Poirot."
Soggy_Future_1461
"The only correct answer."
lightninseed
Peirot Forever! Never a dull moment.
The Classic Gang
"Scooby and those meddling kids."
IBlameItOnTheTetons
"Velma is the only one even attempting to do what they were hired for and even then, she can only ever piece things together after the fact. She’s either a dunce or intentionally holding back her findings from the group (maybe moral reasons)."
"Fred is freaking around with stupid crap like 'traps,' Shaggy is blazing it up off screen with his dog and Daphne is basically scamming daddy out of money with her friends on their sham business."
"They’re basically a scam service that gets brought in to validate 'paranormal' insurance claims. But somehow, while they coast on free room and board comp’d by the insurer, gets those friendly locals insurance claim denied and charged with fraud."
Orzine
Brilliant
You Got It Ok GIFGiphy"Columbo, 100%."
Toepipe_Jackson
"I'd trust Columbo with my life, my death, and my mother's chili recipe."
BeneejSpoor
"'Oh jeez, I shoulda thought of that.'"
Dothwile
The Knight
"Batman."
RedBoi_45
"He'd solve it, and the murderer would get a severe beating, that's a win as far as I'm concerned."
Ramiren
"Hands down, the detective aspect of Batman is excellent when explored properly, like the time they gave us this majestic story: Batman Black & White: Perpetual MourningSpiderman."
anzinho
And so swoonworthy...
criminal minds smile GIFGiphy"Spencer Reid!"
sharkyandro
"Not just Spencer but the entire BAU."
Street-Patience-3814
"Thought I'm the only one who'd thought of this."
nonhuman000
The OG!
"Sherlock Holmes."
theendfckworld
"You know how far I had to scroll to find this? He's the GOAT detective. Superhumanly smart."
Domino_Masks
Now that is quite a list of people I'd trust in my death. Avenge me.
Redditor CallMehRiver wanted to hear about all the ways none of us what to leave this life.
"What Do You Think Would Be The Worst Death Imaginable?"
My list of the worst deaths is long. My imagination runs amok.
Trapped
season 6 friends GIFGiphy"For me? Being trapped in a small tube or cave (like the ones you have to wiggle through) and getting stuck to where you can’t move your arms. And all you can do is wait to die. I’m getting chills just thinking about it."
Stuck
"The more I hear about cavers that get stuck, the more I think that's a crap way to go."
- braydenmaine
"There’s a great YouTube channel called Ask a Mortician and this was her #1 worse way to die. I can’t remember the exact details or their names, but two well-known divers went into an underwater cave."
"One of them became entangled and died. Years later, his friend dives back down there to try and retrieve his body, the body itself is rotten and his head comes off and the other guy also becomes tangled and dies. Really sad."
- melancholybuzzard
A Long Process
"Believed to be in a coma but coherent through the whole 20 year process until they pull the plug."
weebeardedman
"Oh man this just reminded me of a story I read on here about a guy who lost the ability to move and speak but was completely conscious. Had to just lay there and be awake but trapped in a useless body. His family thought he was brain dead or something and he couldn’t communicate to them that he was 'all there.' Crazy"
habeeb51
Slow & Steady
"Being slowly impaled by a growing bamboo. It was a form of torture probably used by the japanese during WW2 against Allied prisoners."
JazzySocrate
"My uncle who served back in the day said that people would have the bamboo slipped under their fingernails because it would continue to grow still. It would just continue growing into the body."
Payness0826
Excruciating
"Rabies."
Santolmo
"The scariest part is that once you have symptoms, you 100% will die. A 100% mortality rate has to be a psychological torture in itself."
RonaldRawdog
"Not only that, you feel irrational fear. Your brain is literally being eaten apart by the virus and it fu*ks up everything on it. You can't drink water because it hurts you. You feel dizzy, present a fever, excessively salivate, everything hurts and it only gets worse. I'd rather take a bullet and die when the symptoms are still tolerable."
Santolmo
Why can't we all just go engulfed in calm and quiet?
Suspended
"Some pulpy sci-fi book I read a while back had one of the best deaths of this real piece of crap bad guy. Left to die in a drowning sea lab under the Antarctic ice, he freezes himself in a state of the art suspended animation pod with some kind cold fusion power source that would keep it running for millions of years."
"But he forgot to inject himself with the drug that would put him to sleep. So basically he is in suspended animation at the bottom of the Antarctic ocean while his mind is perfectly awake and conscious in a near unbreakable machine that won't run out of power for millions of years and nobody knows about it."
DubiousAlibi
No Cure
"As an RN I have always thought that the worst way to die (natural process) is ALS. Lou Gehrig's Disease."
randymn1963
"My mom and grandmother have Huntington's disease, which is essentially ALS, Alzheimer's, and Dementia combined into one really messed up genetic disease. I have a 50% chance of inheriting it and if I hit 40 and there's still no cure I can't promise I'll feel like continuing on with my life because that disease is absolutely freaking miserable."
DevTheDummy
Agony...
"Radiation poisoning."
binhan123ad
"The fact your chromosomes can be so destroyed your body basically lost it's genetic code and with it the ability to make any new cells. It's literally a 'dead man walking' and you slowly rot away in agony. Stuff is so unimaginably f**ked up."
yea_nah448
"What's also bad about radiation is that it affects your nerves and brain cells last, so you have everything in place to feel all the pain of the rest of your cells being destroyed."
nosmelc
Goo
Not Listening Season 2 GIF by The Fresh Prince of Bel-AirGiphy"I want to believe anything that slowly kills you painfully to be the worst. Such as slowly being crushed or something where the pain is beyond compare and yet not enough to throw you into shock or unconsciousness."
Beardless_Man
"Alternatively, being rapidly crushed into goo would probably be the least painful. I'm talking one of those massive industrial hammers they use for large steel work. Basically smooshed before the nerve signals make it to the brain."
Bannon9k
Now I'll never sleep again without nightmares of death.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
What was that?!
poop woods GIF by WreckedGiphy"Being out in the woods at night and hearing the noises some of the animals make can really raise your hackles."
dfin25
Smushed
"I got rear-ended stopped at a light on my motorcycle. I flew right over the guy that hit me, easily ten, fifteen feet in the air, and landed on my back. Watched my bike get smushed into a pancake between the car that hit me and the car in front of me. I was shocked at the amount of people that came out of their cars to ask if I was alright."
"It took me a while to get my breath back. Had to throw off my helmet, felt like a fish out of water. Something about the way the bike got crushed, and I realized I would most certainly not be alive had I not gotten thrown off the bike. The driver that hit me was on his phone."
Springfield1
Nothing is Possible
"Biking in the woods with my Dad. We stopped to rest at his request and he complained about chest pain. Then he lost consciousness and became unresponsive. He stopped breathing and I started CPR. We were about two miles into the trail and it was getting late. I called 911 and continued CPR with 911 on speaker. It took about 25 minutes for first responders to to find us."
"I continued CPR the entire time until EMS showed up, I didn't think I could continue I was getting so exhausted. It was by far the most afraid I've ever been. I felt alone and completely helpless, I even considered hoisting him on my bike and thought maybe I could run him out of the trail to find help. But realized that wasn't really possible."
"He didn't make it and it effected me for awhile afterwards. It was thought at the time he had a heart attack and the autopsy later confirmed it was. I'm at peace with it now. I gave him the best chance I could. I will never forget the complete and total helplessness I felt."
Napp2dope
Alone
"I was in a motorcycle crash just last week and I’ve been trying to tell myself it wasn’t a big deal. A car turned on their left blinker and started to cross the yellow line, and began to pass on the right. They quickly swerved back to the right to instead take a right hand turn and I impacted their drivers side door and was thrown from the bike."
"It didn’t hit me how I could’ve died until the claim adjuster showed up a week later and pointed to damage points on the bike and where they had impacted the car. It was very lonely experience. The police never asked if I was okay, and neither did the bystanders. I felt so alone."
Puzzleheaded_Bit_641
Rattled
GIF by onmilwaukeeGiphy"Coming face to face with a diamond back rattle snake when I was 11 years old. Climbing up on huge boulders in central Texas."
tandycat56
Snakes are a HARD NO! I would be out so fast!
Please Breathe
"This was also my answer to what was the happiest I have ever been. My son had a massive seizure and stopped breathing in the emergency room. The nurses had to 'bag' him for over an hour to keep him alive. When I finally heard him cry I was happier than I have words to explain."
throwrabrotherdrama
That Night
"When I first moved into my new house in 2016, very night I would hear random bangs during the night. It horrified me but I just took the guess that it was my dog. Well one night at around 4am I hear a huge bang and then my door opening, see I have no freaking clue what it was so I pretend to be asleep and let it be."
"So after a few minutes my door closes and I run to grab my phone. As I'm walking across the house I go and look under the couch. Can you guess what I saw? A freaking chipmunk, I've been terrorized by a chipmunk for 3 months. Probably the scariest night of my life."
alli_the_gamer
The Storm
"A tornado warning, I was only 12, But tornados terrified me, And still do, I remember my grandparents waking me up, They had known about the tornado before we did. And we apparently took a long time to actually wake up, my family was rushing around the house in a panic to grab clothes, shoes, pets etc."
"I also remember running to my grandma's house as it was the safest place we could get to in the storm, I wasn't dressed in very warm clothing. And tripped into a puddle of mud, So I was cold. Wet and afraid Luckily it passed us."
LazyLittleBat
Fly High
"It wasn't scary at the time, but... I was on vacation in Greece, visiting family. We board a plane in Athens bound for JFK. Twas TWA flight 881. If you are not aware, the flight number is indicative of a route. Anyway, we land, disembark, get our luggage, hop on the BQE, then the GWB."
"Meanwhile, the airplane refueled, boarded new passengers, and it changed callsign... to TWA flight 800. We were somewhere in Jersey when it blew up over the long island sound. That same airplane we had just landed in... So... yeah. I hate flying now."
skrilledcheese
Any Waffle House at anytime can bring about nightmares. This list is a mess.
I have met too many evil people in my days.
See! ALWAYS BRUSH!!
steve martin laughing GIFGiphy"My 3 cousins went to a dentist that they found really unsettling but couldn’t pinpoint why."
"Fast forward a while, my older cousin of the three was working as an ER receptionist a few years back when a patient was rushed in very close to death after a dental appointment. My cousin found out quickly he’d come in from their old dentist for a standard tooth removal, i think 2 teeth, that should’ve taken 30 mins."
"He was in the back for TWO HOURS with his wife constantly checking in before she demanded to go back and found the dentist had completely snapped and removed ALL OF HIS TEETH and he was very near death after being under way longer than he should have. Still scares me to this day."
velvetsatan
Daddy Issues
"Not sure about the most but my father is definitely up there spent my childhood with me my mother and older brother being beaten. Then when my brother got older and he was too big for my father to hit he started putting my brother down making him feel worthless which led to him leaving at age sixteen."
"Then my mother and I started getting the brunt of his moods and there was nothing I could do about it because he was bigger than me. But then one day when I was seventeen I realised that I was now bigger than him. I didn't hit him but being able to finally shove him away from my mother made me feel like a horrible darkness had subsided."
John_Volker88
Good for You
"My mum had an awful ex boyfriend after she divorced my dad. He used to hit her and once he came round our house where we (me and my four brothers and sisters - all very little at the time) lived and threw a brick through our window. After she left him, he used to stare out the window at me when I walked to school and shout really gross things at me."
"I’d never done anything to this man ever. One time I was in town after school with my friends, and he saw me and shouted ‘sl*t’ at me. I flipped him the finger and walked off. He called my school and told them I’d given him the finger whilst I was in my uniform. I got called into the heads office the next day."
"She was known to be very strict and formidable and really scary. I told her what happened and how he was constantly harassing me and this stern, super posh old lady said ‘good for you, If he comes near you again let me know and we’ll call the police together’. I was stunned because I was terrified of her."
Embarrassed_Put_7892
Leave me Alone...
"My sister's recent ex-boyfriend is a huge narcissist and after stabbing himself in the leg as a manipulation tactic, my sister left him and filed a restraining order. Somehow he managed to steal ALL of my sisters stuff including our deceased Grandpa's sweatshirt that got given to my sister and took her dogs ashes as well. He managed to do all this avoiding even going to her house because he paid somebody else to (showed up on the ring camera)."
"He did this to avoid any evidence. He keeps texting and calling my sister in hopes to have her talk to him which would then void the restraining order. He got in with somebody at her work and had him tell her that 'He's closer than you think.' All of this has made my sister genuinely fear for her life so she moved back in with our parents."
sk8t-4-life22
Die Slowly
"My ex-step father. Put my family through hell. Abusive in every manner. A total piece of sh*t. He managed to flee the country before he was arrested. To this day he is the only person I've ever met where I truly hope he dies a slow agonizing painful death. And that's all I'm going to say about it."
Xyrus2000
We are truly living amongst demons. Good Lord.
The Leader
"One of our regular customers at the grocery store where I used to work. Really cold guy. Never smiled. You'd try to engage in small talk with him at the checkout and you'd get nothing back. It turned out later he'd turned his family into a kind of cult."
"He had multiple kids with his own daughters and nieces. When the cops came to his house to take his kids away from him, he barricaded himself inside and killed nine of his kids. Just an absolutely evil man."
JuzoItami
HIM
"Jonathon Bruce. He killed 2 kids with a pitchfork in Merced California back in the early 2000s. I went to high school with his little sister, and shared a room with him at a big church event my freshman year."
"https://nypost.com/2000/08/25/naked-lunatic-murders-2-kids-with-pitchfork/"
pReaL420
Finally he left...
"I spent a long time working with young offenders, I've also spent 4 years working in a children's home. All in I think I've worked with about 10 children who went on to commit murder. Only 2 would I say were truly evil. One lad I worked with in a children's home took a real disliking to me. Was always making threats to kill me. Not that unusual in this line of work and something I would normally shrug off."
"But this lad I believed he meant it. Thankfully he was moved on quite quickly. A few years later this teenage girl went missing, turns out she was his girlfriend at the time. As soon as I heard this I knew he had killed her. Turns out he did some pretty horrific stuff to her before murdering her. I won't go in to detail."
Is_there
Speak Up
"A woman I used to know was complaining that when she went to a child's funeral the mother was crying too much and too loudly and it was 'embarrassing.' Said the mother didn't deserve to cry because she (only loosely connected to the family) was not scheduled to give a speech during the funeral."
georgiebb
The Bill Collector
"Was a bill collector for a department store. Called on an overdue account, well-dressed guy and lovely lady came and paid cash. A few days later I saw his photo in the newspaper. He killed his wife and kids by burning down the house. Woman who came in with to pay the debt was not his wife. Later found out he was a serial killer but was amazed at how cool and attractive he was. Why he paid that bill was a mystery."
QuackedUp99
He was super brutal...
"An old friend of mine got into drug dealing as a teen and steadily grew in power into adulthood. I had heard he was behind some deaths and beatings, at times personally doing it and other times ordering it. Dude could turn from cool to enraged in an instant, and he never regretted anything he did. He was super brutal."
"Around me he would essentially revert to himself when we were best friends from the ages of 9 to 11. I remember once I ran into him at a local bar/restaurant and he lit up, asked me to go to the arcade nearby to play games on him, so I obliged. I'll never forget a couple of his goons joining us just standing around as we played games, and one of them came over with some news and my old friend turned red and shouted 'I don't care, handle it, I am playing f**king games!!'"
"Dude could turn a whole room cold and make everyone stop laughing with a glare, was spooky, especially having known him before he became that person. He was shot to death with an uzi by a guy on a motorcycle passing by at a local bar, they never found the shooter and it was a suspected professional hit."
Vegeton
Sorry Mom
"Harold Shipman was my mother’s family doctor for a while. I met him once when he made a house visit to check on her after a minor operation. He was very friendly and polite but I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I hadn’t been there. Luckily my mother moved to another area shortly afterwards."
BoiledFroglet
BALLIHURTON
"I worked for a guy that worked as a subcontractor for a company that rhymed with Ballihurton. We rented land from a 90 year old farmer that still raised bulls to sell. We'd dump oilfield waste on that property and ended up noticing the cows getting sick and dying. Was more expensive to properly dispose of it. They'd step over a dollar to save a dime."
"The business was a shell of a shell company, if anything happened "OH NOT BALLIHURTON, HOW DARE YOU X EXCAVATION SERVICES" Nah we cleaned up oilfield waste and disposed it in the absolute cheapest way possible. My boss was the most ruthless person I'd ever met willing to do literally anything to make/save a single dollar."
Naborsx21
She's Gone
"My old boss. She came into our store and bullied three people out of their jobs (including me) so she could hire her friends. It was maybe 5 years ago and I still think of it sometimes and get angry, because you really can't do anything, or at least I couldn't. She got a promotion afterwards and runs the flagship in LA + the Hawaii branch. Sad to see so many people lost their jobs because she doesn't care about how her actions affect other people."
genghis-san
Stay in Prison
"My daughter's ex-boyfriend that tried killing her when their baby (who was in the room) was 6 weeks old. He strangled her and the ER said she was second away from dying. He's currently serving his 3rd prison sentence for domestic violence. He hurts another women every time he gets out of prison."
kre8ive1
Back Off
"Drew Peterson. Yes, the serial killer. I was waiting for a friend of my parent's and the sleezeball wouldn't quit hitting on me. He quit when my parent's friend (a fellow cop) walked in and we had dinner."
schroedingersnewcat
“drop off”
"I used to know a pimp who bragged to me about beating two murder charges, offered me money for my girlfriend, and explained how he would 'drop off' his girls in the woods when they didn’t want to work anymore. It was heavily implied that they were no longer alive when he dropped them off. He later went on to kill his cousin, one of my best friends, in the exact same way he had committed the first two murders."
"Currently he’s in county jail, but not for any murder charges. Worst part is I don’t think he’s the most evil person I’ve been around, he was just the most open about it. He was cold as hell and charismatic as f**k. Almost a perfect psychopath if he hadn’t been such a severe addict."
jskinbake
Trickster
"Used to work for a chained grocery store on the East Coast. The stores would always ask for donations to some cancer charity. The donation money never went to the charity and ended up going to one of the executives to buy himself a new swimming pool at his mansion. Nothing was ever done about it and the guy ended up passing away from some rare disease - amyloidosis. Seems rather evil to trick people like that."
expensivemustard
Well that is all disturbing. Evil never dies.