.....holy sh*t.
I am a military spouse, but worked as a DOD employee with the Marines. Got a call that a military spouse was in the hospital, her place on base housing had gotten broken into, the 9 month pregnant spouse was beaten and taken by ambulance to the hospital. The assault caused a miscarriage. I was devastated and went to the hospital with several officers in the Marine's chain of command. One of the nurses tending her looked me in the eye and said, "I am very interested in how this is going to play out." I was so confused.
The 9 month pregnant assault victim was given an ultrasound and blood work performed upon being admitted to the hospital. She hadn't been pregnant. Her "due date" was the next day and she's been faking the pregnancy the whole time. She beat herself up and carved herself up with a knife then made up the assault story resulting in miscarriage as a way to cover up the 9 months of lying to her husband about being pregnant.
I've never seen this level of crazy until 3 months later, when said Marine reunited with bat sh*t crazy girl even after all that.
We salute you!
GiphyStanding gate guard in Washington DC. Officer's wife drives through the gate and presents her ID. I wave her through. She doesn't move, asking me if I forgot something. I said no, I didn't believe I did. She said I forgot to salute her, pointing to the blue sticker on her windshield. I leaned close to her windshield and saluted the sticker, wishing it a good afternoon.
I got removed from that duty.
That's f*cked up.
I was stationed at Ft. Knox Ky in the late 80s. A soldier's child turned up missing. Damn near every solider on Ft. Knox was looking for this kid. We looked for days. Kid never turns up.
I leave, and move on.
Several years later I'm sent back to Ft. Knox. Out of the blue, a bunch of activity is happening at a park several miles away.
The little girl turned up, (some of her anyway) and it turns out that the soldiers wife (the girls step mom) killed the girl. The soldier came home found out and hid the body in the park.
The whole case was solved because the older sister of the girl was starting to get worried she was next. Told a teacher who got the police involved.
That the worst I've heard of, over 20+ years in the Army. Plenty of cheating, plenty of other stuff.
Wack.
I got restationed back in the states from Germany.
I flew my German girlfriend over and we ended up getting married. She went back to Germany 4 days later and I never saw her again.
Wack.
Yikes.
GiphyOh, I'm gonna post some of my friend's highlights. She was the midwife on an air force base. Delivered lots of babies.
- Colonel brought his 16 year old daughter in because she was pregnant. Turns out the father was a new junior enlisted. He did not last long in the military.
- Dude's wife left him, and moved in with her boyfriend off base while he was deployed. She got knocked up. Since they were still married, she was still going to the base for medical care. Their divorce wasn't final by her due date, so she still got to go on base and deliver. Her soon to be ex husband (the military guy) had his buddies in security forces put a security flag on his soon to be ex wife's boyfriend. The boyfriend couldn't be on base for the birth of his child.
- And, always the favorite, babies coming out with the wrong ethnic background of the father was at least a once a year thing.
What a thing to come home to.
A friend of mine came home one day early from a year long deployment. Wife was busy screwing another guy on the couch. In the bedroom was a baby she had never mentioned, fathered by yet a third guy.
The best way to meet someone.
Oh man so many. One friend in the Corps, a first term sergeant who HATED every minute he was in uniform. He reenlisted so she could go to school. Left for deployment after reenlistment, came back to a divorce and a drained bank account.
Had another Sergeant who met his wife while he and like seven other guys were hooking up with her. He decided he needed to marry her. So many stories there, but I mean he probably deserved them. 'Cause I mean wow.
Don't do it.
GiphyA guy in my shop (Air Force) deployed to Iraq for 4.5 months. Before he left he signed over general power of attorney to his wife. While he was gone, she started f*cking another guy in our shop, then signed the divorce paperwork as his power of attorney and his rights to see his kids, as well as draining his bank account.
She went to live with the other guy in my shop and his friend off base. They were both arrested for check fraud when trying to pass off a check that was the roommates in the shoppette on base.
The guy she divorced eventually got full custody of the kids and the other guy in my shop got kicked out of the AF.
There were other stories of cheating and all of that kind of sh*t, but this one takes the cake, she actively worked to ruin his life when all he did was love his kids and get deployed to Iraq.
Don't give anyone general power of attorney, ever. I don't care how much you trust them or how much you think they love you. Don't do it. You can give them specialized power of attorney that only allows them to handle your affairs that you very specifically need them to handle.
These Conspiracy Theories Are Easy to Debunk | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
The last line of this takes the cake.
Our neighbors, two, brought us some stories.
One. Unit deployed and she met a new guy. Used power of attorney to divorce the husband overseas and married the new guy so quick she was able to stay on base in the same house. First husband came home and ended up being in the same platoon as second husband who now lived in his house with his kids and all his belongings.
Two. When we first moved in on base we had a neighbor that was super friendly. Wife told us she had cancer so her brother was staying with her to take care of her. We think nothing of it. A few months later they moved out to live off base. Normal thing so no reason to be skeptical. Fast forward a few months and I'm shoveling the driveway and a guy from next door comes over to say hi. I say hi and welcome him as a new neighbor.
He's not a new neighbor, he's had that house for a couple years. I got confused and asked about the woman who had moved out recently. He told me that woman was his wife, the brother was her lover, she didn't have cancer, and she spent all his money on Farmville then moved out with everything they owned.
What a garbage person.
My brother in-law was on both sides of sh*tty cheating stories.
He married a woman he chatted to online for a few weeks when he was 19. Then he had to go to Iraq. A month after he left she told him that he got her pregnant. He comes home after 6 months then she has the baby....the baby definitely is not his.
Fast forward 10 years. He's married to an awesome chick we all like. She works a job and takes care of everything around the house. He cheats on her with a 18 year old girl that worked at Sonic. She catches him and leaves for a weekend to go stay with her sister to figure out what to do. He puts all her stuff in cardboard boxes out under the carport and moves in the new girl.
Do you know who my husband is?
GiphyThis is more of an annoyance than anything.
While helping load my sergeant and other members of my public affairs unit up for deployment (I was a late add on, deploying some weeks later) a somewhat large woman with about 4 kids (oldest was about 14 or 15) came up to me after clapping her hands and shouting 'ducks in a row!' All her kids lined up and lock step marched behind her, up to me.
She ordered me to watch her kids while she did something. Umm...no. I'm not a baby sitter and if anything goes wrong, I will not be held accountable.
So these kids proceed to tear into the stacks of duffle bags, ruck sacks and assault bags waiting to be loaded on a truck while no one chaperoned them. This woman shows back up, shouting 'do you know who my husband is?' (yeah, he's just a staff sergeant in communications) and was furious I wasn't watching her kids.
Other higher ranking types eventually shuffled her and the kids away.
I've had other incidents with spouses before, but this is the one that stands out.
How lazy.
Late to the party but here goes. I wasn't the person in the situation, but my friend was and told me about it. My friend is military, so he travels and moves frequently. He owns a house where I live, but was unable to live in it for a few years due to the job and rented it out to several people. The family that rented were a nightmare.
They were also military, so my friend thought they'd be good tenants. The service member was deployed soon after moving in, so the spouse stayed in the home for several months by herself. She was really lazy, and often called my friend (who lived across the country at the time) to try and figure out fixes to her mild inconveniences. Things like a lawn mower not working, or billing issues, this lady called about every issue she encountered even if she was the cause of it. My friend had to pay people to fix all of these things that she was causing just because she didn't want to take care of her problems.
When they finally moved out my buddy told me to head over and take a look at the place. It was terrible, the bathroom mirror was all messed up, they painted rooms without permission, there was even a giant hole in the wall. My friend was not happy to say the least.
Uninvited.
Obligatory not a service member but, I work at a summer camp at Carney Park in Naples. The Park was used by both Italian and Naval Government. We have forrest fires just on the other side of park borders with fire crew on standby. The wife of an E8 went up to the gate and demanded that the Officer in charge of security demanded they evacuate the park and that they due something about the fires. At this time it is a good time to note the fires were in Italian Jurisdiction, the Italians simply didn't care.
Anyway the Security said they would evacuate the park as soon as they got the order. The lady went apesh*t, one phone call later and the Security officer (who's son was a camper) and Naval equivalent of the first sergeant (also in the park) drove down down from the hill where they were monitoring the fire and told the angry spouse if she wanted to leave she was free to anytime she wanted. When she went to pout to her husband (Airforce) he told her there was nothing he could do. Then she complained to the camp director (also had staff monitoring the fires) and requested the same) that was when she got a much needed lesson and was told her husbands rank meant nothing and she had no say in the matter. She was not invited back to work the next year.
Yikes.
GiphyNot a service member but a now veteran's wife.
This story is my husband's so I'll have to give him credit for it. (All names have been changed)
So there was this Soldier (I don't remember his rank) we will call him Dallas. Now Dallas's First Sgt. was a well respected individual. Someone people should look up to. You know all of that. And from what I heard, he wanted to be just like him.
So Dallas has a 24 hr. shift that he has to work that night which was unexpected but he was instructed by his first Sgt. to work it. Whatever, it happens all the time. Well, later in his shift, Dallas forgot something at the house so he got his buddy to fill in at his post to grab it at the house really quick and didn't tell his first Sgt.
What does Dallas find when he gets home? His wife, and his First Sgt. Having sex on their living room floor as soon as he walks in. She's naked and so is he.
Word spreads fast all around the company, then to other companies. Then the whole base knows and the story is later used in a meeting for the wives of how to overcome loneliness. (That I had to endure) Not only that the first Sgt. Was demoted but Dallas and his wife stayed together. And the wife now having a bit of infamy, has all the soldiers flirting with her at a company family event while all Dallas can do is get pissed, drink beer and watch as his wife flirts with his fellow soldiers.
Thank goodness this had a happy ending.
I'll put in my treo cents.
I an the product of one of these type of stories. My birth father was in the army, tank division in Texas late '70s early '80s. Wanted to date a girl, she didn't. So he started dating her underage sister. Crossed into Mexico to get married since her parents didn't like him. Moved her into base housing apartments with him.
She apparently suffered from mental health issues. They had me in late '82. She started cheating on him, having mental breaks, lots of crazy sh*t including attempting to kill me three separate times and setting the apartment on fire. He was told by his command to either divorce her, or be kicked out. He got kicked out. This is after he turned down West Point more than once since she didn't want to leave Texas.
Happy ending for me, she lost custody, he signed custody over to HIS father, and I was adopted by my grandparents. I didn't know any of this until I was 13. I was two months old when my grandparents got me. A lot to unpack as an early teen, and a lot of personal work went into working it out for myself. But I am fairly well adjusted and happy with a family of my own now.
Redditor ccohen_2023 wanted to hear a few giggles from service folk out there by asking:
"Military personnel of Reddit, what's the most hilarious punishment you've seen given out?"
Trash Collection.
I once watched a private collect exhaust samples with garbage bags in the motor pool and then run them to the 1SG to turn them in, definitely hilarious. Gypsy-Fitz
Giphy"WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!"
When I was in Basic Training, we had a guy who ran out of the DFAC and got into the wrong platoon formation. When the DS takes roll she notices the guy is missing and asks everyone where he is. We had only been in Basic for 2 days and didn't know everyone yet but she put us all in the front leaning rest saying we should know all our battles by now. A few moments later, a DS down the line starts yelling at some kid about him not belonging to his platoon. Our DS goes over and finds out its her missing recruit and he starts getting yelled at by both DS of them for a few minutes.
Eventually, one DS comes up with the idea that every time this guy gets in formation has to hold up his hands with two fingers up (like a peace sign) and repeatedly shout "WOO HOO I'M IN SECOND PLATOON!" until the DS stops him. He did for this a couple of days, maybe a week before the DS finally told him he could stop but each time he did we all had to stifle our laughter because he went all out and screamed the line with an extremely cheery excited voice each time. Independant_Hawk
MOUSE MILK MAKES.....
Watched a notorious screw-up stand in the quad next to the bell with in his t-shirt and boxers, his t-shirt tied into a belly shirt, flexing his arms and shouting: "SIR, MOUSE MILK MAKES ME MIGHTY, SIR". For thirty minutes straight. penny_can
Rocks Away....
Not my story but a guy I knew was late to formation so the drill sergeant says to him "Those rocks are looking a bit dark" and proceeds to have him walk around flipping rocks over and putting sun block on them for a few hours. an_iron_giant
GiphyWorking Together...
When I was in the Army, I was a 155mm howitzer section chief (E-6).
My gun crew decided they didn't want to work and live together.
When we were training for section evals, the infighting got bad. I told my gunner (E-5) to get them on the same page.
That afternoon we have some fire missions that were timed. Again, they are screwing up.
We break for chow and I have an epiphany.
At the end of the fire mission, I decide that the problem had to be the rounds we were shooting. I mean the problem couldn't possibly be with the howitzer, and my crew said they were fine, so it must be the rounds we were shooting.
During our break for chow, I talk with one of the other section chiefs and he tells me his rounds were just fine, but he was willing to trade me his rounds for mine.
For those of you who aren't privy, a 155mm Artillery round weighs 95lbs and are about 2' tall. This will give you an idea of the set up.
The other gun was about 1/3 of a mile down and there were two other guns between us.
when I told my crew we would be trading our rounds for others, they grumbled, then started to secure the ammo track. Oh no! the track stays put.
My gun crew manually carried 84 rounds out of our ammo track, across the firing point, to the other ammo track. Unloaded and reloaded their track and loaded our track.
After 84 trips over and back, with the entire battery watching, I think we found a resolution to our problem.
Funny thing, that other gun chief didn't have the 1st issue with any of those rounds and somehow, I didn't have any with his. gunbunnycb
Yakima firing center 1980.....
Yakima firing center 1980. A cook, belonging our unit found a 155mm dud HE round. Thought it was cool. Took it and put it UNDER the propane stove in the Mess truck. For safe keeping. The first sergeant, while getting a cup of coffee on the tailgate saw it. He moved everyone out, made the cook, CAREFULLY get the round out of the truck and put down. Then he put the guy in full web gear flak jacket helmet and goggles and sent him (with the round) to the top of a very steep hill,1/4 mile off. Opneckbeard
Snip, snip Here...
Some folks in my platoon had to "mow" the grass. It took 'em all day because they had to use their fingers and tear each blade. TheAlphaCoco
My DI made my division do it with fingernail clippers and a ruler. Lol. bigboog1
Bam. Bam.
During my training, one portion of it required an obstacle course. For one of the puzzles you had to lay down wooden planks across platforms and bring a wheel barrel across them. Seems easy but there weren't enough planks and you had to get creative. One guy layered down a plank, walked across it and it snapped a good portion off. The instructors ganged up on him because he broke "government property."
As punishment, for the rest of the duration of the course (5 weeks) wherever he went he had to bring the portion of wood he broke off. Bathroom. Chow. Swimming pool. Ruck. Everywhere. We decorated it and wrapped some duct tape to make a handle. The best part is this guy is close to 5 feet tall. So the instructors called him Bam Bam. scrublord420_1738
You are m y Sunshine...
My personal favorite was sweeping sunshine. Someone, usually a private, pisses off a superior, but not in such a serious enough fashion that they have to involve UCMJ. If they really annoyed someone, they're usually told to get in full battle rattle (armor, helmet, pads, the full 9). Once they report in, they're given broom and are ordered to sweep the sidewalk until there's no more sunshine on it. As you can probably expect, this is going to be a very long day. Madrojian
GiphySigns Up.
While deployed @ camp Fallujah, two Marines got caught speeding in a clapped out Iraqi car. Their punishment was to hold sign that said slow down. pic
Most punishments I saw outside of NJPs were just straight up physical punishment and were only funny because I was not getting punished. truss84
Skuzzbrush ....
Skuzzbrush (sp?) - noun - little hand brush they give you in Marine bootcamp to clean the floors.
Our drill instructors made one of the recruits push the brush as fast as he could across the squad bay floor- back and forth - without anything other than his feet touching the ground. This was completely normal and a daily occurrence for all of us. The difference this time was this recruit was caught laughing.
So he was forced to clean the floors alone; with all of the platoon watching from "on the line"...while he was required to scream "WEEEEEE" in a loud girly falsetto voice for like 15 minutes. It started out hilarious, but he got tired quick and it got hard to watch.
Giphy"STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG"
One Sunday during bootcamp we were supposed to be cleaning the barracks, so naturally, nobody was doing anything. One of the guys in my platoon got up on one of the footlockers and was squatting on top of it and started saying "Yo, check it out I'm a bird". At that moment we heard "AT EASE" as a Drill Sergeant walked in, gaze transfixed on this dude still squatting on top of the footlocker. Drill Sergeant says to him "Okay you wanna be a bird, huh? Get down here".
Dude hops off and the DS makes him run around the barracks squawking like a bird. Mid-flight the DS stops him and says "STOP! NOW LAY AN EGG" so the dude promptly squats down and lets out the FATTEST fart I've heard in a long time. There was not a single soul in those barracks that wasn't dying. A million push-ups from everyone immediately followed. kevingo8450
SUCK IT UP!!!
There was this dude who failed field day (where your barracks room has to be inspection ready) due to the inspecting SNCO finding dust.
During the next formation after we broke into our squads for PT, I saw his squad leader hand him a vacuum cleaner. When they stepped off to go on 5 mile run, they started singing cadence..."AAAHHHHH SUCK IT UP!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!! SUCK IT UP!!! (SUCK IT UP)!!!" Nukular-Weapons
"integrated division"
I was in an "integrated division" during boot camp, meaning we had men and women in our division. We had separate barracks across the hall from one another, and because the RDCs (instructors) could be in either one, and you had men and women coming and going to speak with them, we had a strict rule about always having at least the PT uniform (shorts, t shirts, and tennis shoes) on unless you were in the head (bathroom/showers).
One guy forgot, and walked out of the showers with his shirt tossed over his shoulder and Senior Chief saw him before he got to his bunk.
"I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME!"
"HOLY CRAP RECRUIT. YOU MUST THINK YOU'RE MODEL OR SOMETHING. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO STRUT ACROSS MY DAMN DECK?"
He took a plain white undershirt, drew fake abs and chest hair on it, and made the guy march up and down the halls shouting "I'M FABIO, LOOK AT ME" for a half hour before making him do mountain climbers until we went to mess. ShoddyBiscotti1
RIP... Private Dustin.
When i was on BMQ my roommate had a decent sized dust bunny under his bed. leadership made him name it, preserve it and have it inspection ready every morning.
RIP... Private Dustin. jeffrk
GiphyThese are stories from another similar thread, but they are too good not to share.
One was a guy who's DI caught him swatting a spider. He was made to dig a 6' deep human sized grave, bury the spider, and had to write a one+ page letter to the spiders parents on why their son would not be coming home.
The other was a guy who got caught with skittles and had to dig a 1'X1'X1' hole for each skittle and bury them all. Then, for the next week (or month?), had to wake up a half hour earlier than everyone else so he could go water his skittle plants every morning. crapiforgotmypasword
So Many....
A couple spring to mind:
- Someone carrying a potted plant with them everywhere they went to replace the oxygen they were wasting.
- Carrying a rock around everywhere they went to replace the ID card they lost.
I'm sure there are others I am forgetting, but these are the first I thought of. KosherCowboy0932
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
We had a drawer in our locker that was supposed to be for something that's important to you. After a while you start running out of stuff that you feel strongly towards but this one guy put in a bag of sour skittles. Inspection time comes around and the staff opens the drawer.
"What the heck is this!?"
"SOUR SKITTLES MASTER CORPORAL"
"THIS IS WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!?"
"YES MASTER CORPORAL"
"WELL YOU BETTER TRAIN IT UP THEN"
So the guy had to stand there with the bag of sour skittles and shout drill commands at it for the rest of the inspection. He'd shout "RIGHT TURN" then turn the bag to the right, throw in some left turns and about turns. Took everything in me not to crack up every time he would do it. frontpagepirate1
Not Anymore!!!
In Navy boot camp, the recruit master-at-arms is responsible for the overall cleanliness of the barracks.
During a massive shakedown of the entire company, our master-at-arms (and Navy SEAL candidate) had to go down the line and yell at each one of us "THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" while we stood there, straight-faced. mwatwe01
Scissorhands.....
Two people sharing a pair of scissors cutting grass. Each person holds on handle and work together. OneNightStandKids
GiphyWe can't say that's the easiest way to cut grass but it certainly is HILARIOUS.
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