When it comes to insults, clever is better.
Anyone can go the obvious route of simply calling out a person's physical appearance or intellectual capacity.
But if you really want to be remembered, you've got to be creative.
The playwright William Shakespeare was fond of clever insults.
And Ballroom culture made reading and shade into artforms.
Reddit user No_Throat_1574 asked:
"What is the most creative insult you’ve ever heard?"
Baked
"An employee of mine told me that I was the raisin in his day's chocolate chip cookie."
- SellingMakesNoSense
Not so artistic
"Your face looks like something I’d draw with my left hand."
- weshric
Talking out your butt
"'They ruined a perfectly good bum when they put teeth in your mouth.' - Billy Connolly."
- That80sguyspimp
"Growing up, my best friends mother used to say 'it’s a shame God put so many teeth in your mouth…ruined a perfectly good a**hole'…"
"Same energy. Shout out Tia 🖤"
- ends_and_odds
We all deserve a break
"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"
- rip1980
Green with envy
"I envy people who don’t know you."
- StalinsPerfectHair
Right in the childhood
"'You're not being the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be.' Emotional damage"
- couch_hammer
Emotional Damage GIF by Jennifer AccomandoGiphySlow down a bit
"Knowledge has been chasing you, but you have always been faster."
- Bright-Baker8267
Common loot energy
"You look like you drop common loot when defeated."
- GeorgeCauldron7
A bit bland
"I’ve always enjoyed 'If she were a spice, she’d be flour.'"
- Toren8002
No excuses
"I bumped into a homeless guy. I said excuse me."
"He said 'There is no excuse for you!!!'"
"With his leathered vigor, he's probably right."
- LOGOisEGO
Pain in the foot
"One time a third grader who was very annoyed with me told me 'you’re a rock in my shoe' and I’ve never forgotten that"
- madagascarprincess
Reap what you sow
"I hope your day is as lovely as your personality."
- montanagrizfan
"This works as both an insult and a compliment"
- Yezzzzzzzzzzzz
"'If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave it’s @ss and teach it to walk backwards'"
- WteMxy
boxer dog gifofdogs GIF by Rover.comGiphyI would consult my own
"'If I wanted to hear an a**hole’s opinion, I would have just farted.' Learned this one a month ago and don’t know how I survived 40.5 years without it!!"
- ITSBRITNEYsBrITCHES
I'm not that flexible
"I'm trying to see things from your point of view but my head won't fit up my arse."
- Horrorbmoviepunk
It's generally better to try to play nice with others when you can but, if you're going to be mean, at least get creative.
"What is the most unexpected thing you've seen live on tv?"
Not As Cute As He Seemed...
"In the UK a TV personality and her son who is disabled were on a live tv show."
"From what I recall the topic being discussed was online bullying."
"When her son was asked about what to say to these bully's his response was: 'hello you c*nts'."
"Absolute classic British TV right there."- garillar
And This Was Only The Beginning...
"The OJ Simpson Bronco chase."
"They interrupted the NBA playoffs to show it live instead of the game."
"It was surreal."- PaulsRedditUsername
All He Had Hidden, Was A Let Down...
"Al Capone's vault had ........... nothing in it."- MerryBandOfPirates
al capone inmates GIF by History UKGiphyNo Thanksgiving Is Drama Free
"It was Thanksgiving morning in Los Angeles, and a news team went to surprise a family in need with a full Thanksgiving dinner."
"They showed up to the house, and I really think they went to the wrong place."
"The person at the door looked confused by the name the reporter was giving them, but they were live, and I’m sure the reporter was freaking out so she shoved her way into the home with the camera crew and a bunch of people with food."
"They’re all standing in the living room, and the reporter is telling this bewildered woman about what food they brought."
"Then the woman, takes a picture off the mantle, and starts crying, telling the reporter her baby died."
"The reporter was trying to turn the conversation back to the surprise dinner, but the woman only wanted to talk and show pictures of her dead baby."
"It was the cringiest thing I’ve ever seen on live TV."- adventurer84
Some People Just Get Used To It
"The reporter standing at a 45-degree angle, holding onto the street sign for dear life in a wind/rain storm as he was reporting."
"And the two dudes casually walking past, not leaning whatsoever and without difficulty."- Kinky_mofo
An Unforgettable Tragedy
"The Space Shuttle Challenger exploding into the Florida sky."- IfIKnewThen
A Life Threatening Rush...
"A Formula One driver hitting a wall at Imola and attempts being made to resuscitate him on the track."
"They weren't successful."
"Roland Ratzenberger died during Qualifying and things continued to get out of control as crew, drivers and spectators were injured over the weekend and Ayrton Senna died during the race."
"Motor racing is obviously not 100% safe but the number of incidents and two fatalities over the course of a single event was astonishing."
"It really was like the track was cursed."- JMW007
In Case Anyone Missed It...
"I was watching football (soccer) a few years ago and the referee stopped play for a foul."
"The slo-mo replay showed the fouling player grab the other player’s shorts as he stepped across him, and use them to try to stop his momentum."
"The shorts stretched a long way, exposing his penis, which then proceeded to flap around in slo mo, for about 5 seconds, whilst the commentators pretended it wasn’t happening."- Thefdt
Copa America Football GIFGiphyBoxing Doesn't Involve Teeth
"Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear."- wintermacaw
Everyone Wanted To Look Away, But Couldn't...
"Anderson Silva's leg snapping like a twig."- KeyRageAlert
In Real Time
"Hostage situation during the news."
"The news presenter was talking when an armed man walked in and took them hostage."
"It was wild."- HappyDutchMan
GOOOAAAAL!
"Christian Eriksen legit collapsing and dying on a soccer pitch only to be revived and make the most epic comeback the following season."- True-Expression3378
Going Out on A High
"One time I was flipping through channels and nothing was on."
"Snow mobile freestyle on the winter X Games caught my eye for no good reason."
"Then the guy is in the air either trying to backflip or he just rotates too far on a big jump."
"The snow mobile lands what looks like directly on his chest."
"I’m shocked thinking surely he wasn’t going to survive."
"I can’t recall what the normal announcers were saying or if they cut to something less dramatic."
"But then the sideline reporter type woman said she interviewed the athlete while he was being taken away and he 'felt like he just woke up from the longest dream ever'.”
"So I was optimistic since he was able to speak."
"Maybe even walk off under his own power."
"But I looked it up over the next day or two and he died in the hospital."
"That line from his interview still sticks with me."- FancyPantsHess
There's no going back for a second take when it comes to live television.
So, for better or worse, what happens will potentially be seen by millions of viewers, and most likely never forgotten.
"Detectives of Reddit, what was the strangest case you’ve ever investigated?"
Did NO One Notice Earlier?!?!
"All right, detective now but this happened when I was on patrol several years ago."
"Got a call to check the welfare of a guy whose neighbor hadn't seen him in a couple years."
"Why it took so long to report."
"But it was out in a rural area."
"Anyway, we roll up and the windows are black with mould and flies."
"Car is parked in the garage."
"No signs of forced entry."
"Breach the door and find said guy wrapped up in a phone cord beside a toppled chair in his dining room."
"He was mummified/melting into the carpet."
"Barely recognizable as a human aside from his shape and clothes."
"The smell of him mingled with the inches of stagnant water in his basement from burst pipes and all the dead flies and mould."
"I'll never forget it."
"We also found two bags of groceries neatly packed on the floor in his kitchen."
"House was very tidy as well."
"No witnesses."
"Estranged from his family."
"Clearly had a cat but we never found its remains."
"Medical record indicated he had a heart condition."
"My theory is he was having a heart attack and tried to call 911 but never got to make the call."
"Perhaps the creepiest part?'
"His mailbox was overflowing with past due bills and cancelled utility notices."
"The last one was a couple months old."
'And it STILL too someone that long to call."- Scorface
Truly Disgusting Breach of Protocol
"An internal affairs case at a prison I used to work at."
"Though I wasn't with the Internal Affairs Bureau or the State's Investigator's Office, holy sh*t this was a fiasco."
"In the segregation unit of the prison, there was a very eccentric sergeant who worked out constantly and liked to sit in front of cells and talk to the inmates about life for hours on end."
"He routinely went to the gym with one of the nurses who gave inmates their nightly medications."
"One evening, one of the inmates is escorted out for his insulin shot."
"The inmate makes an offhand comment to the nurse, 'you going to Gold's Gym in Anytown after work?'"
"The escorting officer reports it, as personal information of that nature is a security risk."
"The sergeant is instantly put into speculation and the nurse reports that they are gym partners."
"There are anonymous reports that he is having unscheduled, personal conversations with inmates in the cell house."
"People will not go near him."
"'F*ck no, you wanna tell the child predators what school my kids go to while you're at it?'"
"A few weeks later, there's an allegation that the nurse was having an affair with the exact inmate who made the gym comment."
"But so far unfounded, so they ensure that none of the three people are in the same part of the prison while they investigate further."
"They need to rule out that this also isn't some form of retaliation on the sergeant's behalf."
"During the investigation, an oddity is discovered."
'The inmate lived several hours away, but was receiving Western Union money orders to his account from a relatively close gas station."
"They acquire surveillance footage."
"Sure enough, it's the nurse."
"She's been putting money on the inmate's books for several months under a false identity."
"During the routine pill line for general population, the nurse will be locked in a small, secure room with a pass-through for medications."
"It was revealed that she would hide in the corner and masturbate and expose herself when he came to the door."
'He intentionally violated prison directives to be sent to segregation because she told him of an upcoming change in the nursing rotation."
"They set the sergeant up as a red herring."
"She eventually resigned, and I'm unsure what legal action was taken."
"The inmate was moved to a different facility."- marvelousteat
Old School Computer Crimes
"I was not the detective, but I assisted as the person who knew the most about technology."
"Back in the 1990s when RAM sticks were about $50-75 per MB, somebody broke/snuck into a computer lab, opened up a dozen computers, and replaced each computer's 4 4MB RAM sticks with 4 1MB sticks."
"Nobody noticed."
"The time frame for the crime was 'sometime between September 1st and January 10th'."
"No video, no door key-cards, No suspects."- hymie0
season 10 gun GIFGiphyCreepy, And Sloppy, Cover Up
"Not a detective but something did happen in my apartment society."
"It's a gated society with 5 buildings, and one morning there was a huge crowd in front of one of the buildings."
"Turns out that a woman had jumped from the fifth floor into the elevator lobby area around 3 in the morning or so."
"One of my friends dad was first on the scene as he said that he heard a loud boom sound around that time and went to check it out."
"Here's where things get shady."
"The woman was living with her husband and MIL, and when people went to ask the MIL whether she could confirm that it was her son's wife she looked over the edge of the fifth floor at the body below and said, 'Oh yes, that's her'."
"In a completely neutral tone."
"Local PD got suspicious and checked the lobby cameras for any clues."
"It turned out that the husband had tried to strangle her (rope marks on the neck), and then took her to the NINTH floor and dropped her."
"The piece-de-resistance?"
"The camera showed her slippers dropping a whole 5 minutes after her body hit the ground."
"The husband threw her off and skipped town, and a background check revealed that this was his second marriage and there were rumors that he and his mother burned his first wife alive."
"For a solid month or so, I had to escort residents to their homes because people in that building were terrified of what could happen."- Ultraleo1
Leave It To The Professionals
"Not a detective but I contacted my detective to run the incident by him.'
"I was a Field Training Officer training a new Deputy for my department."
"We received a call about a lady who was stranded at a gas station (essentially a check well being call)."
"My trainee and I responded to the gas station and made contact with the lady."
"She stated she was staying at a hotel nearby and did not need any assistance."
"My trainee spoke with her more and she mentioned the government was after her and kind of went off into a weird conversation that didn’t make a whole lot of since."
"On her car she had a bunch of missing posters/flyers of a man that went 'missing' from California the state."
"I asked about the missing man and she told me it was her husband and he went missing years ago and she was 'on a mission to find him'.”
"She mentioned she found body parts in her home in California and my trainee asked if that had been investigated, which she stated it had been by a local department."
"Out of curiosity I asked her what kind of body parts she found in her home and she stated human toes."
"That sparked my interest and I asked her where are they now."
"The woman looks me in the eye and states 'they are in my purse would you like to see them?'”
"In complete shock I tell her of course and I’m thinking to myself there is no way this woman has human body parts in her purse."
"Surely enough we walked over to her car, she reaches in and grabs a medicine bottle filled with formaldehyde."
"Inside the bottle of formaldehyde are 3 human toes (big toe, and two smaller toes)."
" I asked her where she got the toes and she said she found them in her house In California."
"She advised she had no idea who’s toes they were."
"It should be noted the bottle of formaldehyde had medical tape around the cap indicating it was sealed."
"Long story short I made contact with my investigator and we determined it was not illegal to possess human toes in the way she had them."
"Of course I’m thinking she murdered her ex and cut his toes off and kept them for some reason."
"I decided to look into it further and it was determined the 'missing' ex left her for another woman and he was fine."
"The woman’s sister stated the woman took a bunch of meds for many different issues and eventually quit taking them (hence the abnormal behavior.)"
"I never did figure out who’s toes they were and eventually sent her on her way."
"We determined they were likely removed by a medical professional in a hospital and someone decided to keep them."- DarrellTheRipper
Old Lady Reaction GIFGiphyThe Endless Problem Of Cyber Scams
"I work as forensic expert in the field of computer science for a few years."
'There were many strange cases I investigated during my career, for example:"
"A woman lost about 50 000 euros with internet scammer.'
"She was chatting with a man who was impersonating USA soldier and told her he's in love with her and need to get 1000 euro to arrive to her."
'She sent him money so he continued scamming and promised he would buy a house for them to live together so she send another 50 000 euro to him and then he disappeared."
"She was shocked and reported it to police."
'They took her phone and PC to investigate further.'
"Few years ago police took around 20 Macbooks from a small company to investigate for frauding and fake invoices.'
"Unfortunately they only took monitors since they thought every stationary Mac is iMac."
"When they returned few days later to that company there wasn't any PC's left so the investigation was discontinued."- pureavo
Small Town Shenanigans
'Not really a case but my grandad was the first and only one armed detective in our small town, in England."
"One day a bull got loose in a neighboring village and he was called to go and shoot it."
"As he went to the gun safe the ammo was there but no gun to be found."
"When he enquired as to it’s whereabouts, It turned out the police force had lent it to the amateur dramatics society that night for a play."
"How times have changed."- Low-Wrangler929
the office gun GIFGiphyDetectives will be tasked with all kinds of cases.
Some of which will haunt their memories forever.
Others that will always come in handy when they need a laugh.
