Even in this supposedly progressive modern age, far too many men feel self-conscious about the natural act of crying.
Feeling that it's not a manly thing to do, even though many would argue that it takes a real man not to be afraid to tear up publicly.
Of course, even the most unabashedly masculine men don't have complete control over their emotions and find their eyes watering unexpectedly every now and then.
Sometimes giving in to grief, sometimes overcome with joy, and sometimes simply owing to a corny commercial for coffee.
Sometimes this happens when nobody's around. Other men aren't so lucky.
"Men of Reddit, when did you last cry and why?"
Genuine Fear For Their Family
"Crying in my car right now."
"My wife has cancer."
"It scares me to death."
"I have to be brave at home."
"My car has become my place to escape to cry and release my fear and sorrow."- shmozzfinish
"At the hospital with my 2-year-old daughter."
"She just had a seizure in the waiting room."
"I felt so lost and useless."
"But it cut the wait time down to seconds!"- garsk05
Grief
"Few weeks ago."
"Friend died."
"Cried myself to sleep for a few nights."- PizzaPoopF**k
Funerals
"3 years ago."
"In my fathers funeral."- JOVA1982
Pets Passing
"January 4th."
"On January 1st, I got a message from my dad that the family dog had a stroke and passed away in the front yard."
"During the time before I stood at his grave just before I left to head back to my home, I just didn’t cry. I was questioning why I wasn’t."
"Then, standing at his grave, just a rush of emotions came in and just sobbed my heart out, then got in the car with my girlfriend and had to drive home."
"His name was Snitchel, and he was a good 14-year-old pupper."
"I’m 21, so he was a part of my life for about 70% of it."
"Was hard to say goodbye, especially because I wasn’t able to see him on Christmas because I got Covid, and I didn’t get to see him open his Christmas gifts like he usually does, during Christmas and in general during his final days."- ASexyCow0090
Spousal Loss
"My wife died."- Pitbull60usa
It's Been So Long, They Wish It Would Happen.
"I don't remember."
"I feel so sad and lonely sometimes but I still can't cry."
"I wish I could cry like a kid again."- spootex
Too Much All At Once
"About 2 yeats ago, was dealing with a lot of work an personal sh*t."
"Was at my limit of sh*t I can handle."
"I get a phone call that a childhood friend that I've known since we were 4 died in a car accident."- Mechanic_Me_Harder
"A few days ago."
"Broke down due to stress over everyday things."- einarn
Caught By Surprise
"Last night, just thinking about my mum."- TheH1dden1
Songs
"Last night, I heard 'Follow You To Virgie' by Tyler Childers for the first time, and memories of my mom hit me like a freight train."
"She’s been gone for 28 years now but when you least expect it the waterworks can come out of nowhere."
"Felt good if I’m honest."- GhostRN
Along With Many Others, No Doubt
"The Last of Us episode 3."- brucek951
A Broken Heart
"Tonight."
"My best friend told me that I don't make her happy, and that she doesn't want me in her life anymore."
"I'm in love with her."- helenemayer
Unbridled Joy
"Last night sent my girlfriend the basic Good night message."
"She replied back with 'I love you'."
"Sat there and started crying over the fact that she is the most important person in my life and that I'm so lucky that this woman loves me."- raskoe47
Post Traumatic Stress
"Two weeks ago."
"When it really hit me how much I let my managers abuse me."
"I quit a few days later and I start my new job on the 27th."- Karnezar
While Peter Allen may have encouraged us not to "cry out loud," to "keep it inside" and "learn how to hide [our] feelings," sometimes letting out a good cry proves to be just the therapy we need.
For what it's worth when Liza Minelli (coincidentally or not, Allen's ex-wife) covered the song, she altered it to exactly the opposite message.
When in doubt, go with Liza.
Regardless of how anyone identifies themselves, people still seem to be in a position where they are asked to justify their gender identity.
But we still live in a socialized world where outdated norms dictate one's masculinity, which is a shame.
Curious to hear from our male friends online who've personally had to explain themselves, Reddit soyeahithrowaway asked:
"Men of Reddit, what was the most ridiculous reason why someone questioned your masculinity?"
Guys got "read" by others for being literate.
The Bookworm
"I was reading a book on my lunch break while I was working construction, and got a bunch of sh*t about reading being for women. Which is easily one of the top 15 of the stupidest things I've heard said out loud."
– Middle-Eye2129
Writing Well Is Gay
"My BIL told my SO that he writes ‘like a f*g,’ by which he means in full paragraphs, with proper spelling and grammar. Apparently writing like an adult with a firm grasp of the English language is extremely gay."
"We’ve also been told to not gift his children books because 'books aren’t real presents.'”
"Personally, I’m convinced my BIL is functionally illiterate because his anti-reading stance is completely insane unless he’s desperately trying to hide the fact that he can’t understand anything more complex than text messages that are 95% movie quotes."
– Cheaperthantherapy13
Keeping up with appearances can draw judgment.
Man's Castle
"My apartment was clean."
– NorCalDustin
Safety Is So Not Manly
"For wearing gloves while welding."
– masonsweats
Staying Warm
"Being dressed for cold weather. Apparently wearing a men's jacket is not manly."
– SparkAxolotl
Office Supplies
"At work I gave a guy a report and it had a pink paperclip on it."
"He asked me why I gave him a pink paperclip. I told him I just grabbed one. He then asked why I had a pink paperclip - I told him I had a rainbow pack."
"Then he wanted to know why, when I saw it was pink, I didn't throw it away. He told me I shouldn't use pink paperclips 'people might have questions.'"
"So anyway I spread that story to basically everyone at work and then everyone wanted some of my pink paperclips to use when they gave him stuff."
– Everyday_Im_Stedelen
All Tied Up
"About 30 years ago, they came out with neon string lines. As I work construction, I am constantly using string to ensure things are straight. By far, the brightest of the strings was a pink one."
"So, I was constantly chided by the crew for having a pink string. This only happened until it started getting closer to dusk, at which point they all wanted to borrow my string."
– Dioscouri
Requires Demonstration
"Somebody once told me I wasn't applying deodorant manly enough."
– PearSB
"You set fire to the can and let it explode behind you as you look epically to the camera."
– Astrophobia42
"Did you put the can up your butt ?"
– Comfortable_Donut679
Scrutinizing Kindness
"Got accused of being gay for being nice to people in the dive bar I go to... I guess it's not masculine to be nice to people."
– pgh613
Men, watch what you put in your mouth.
Grown Men Don't Eat This
"Had a friend give another friend sh*t because he wanted to eat a corn dog. He said grown-a** men don’t eat corn dogs. Any man should understand."
"2 days later he was mad ranting and raving at me because I gave everyone else hot dogs and he didn’t get one. I just figured he was on his grown man sh*t."
– mondayortampa
No Fancy Cocktails For You
"Went to a Mexican restaurant and we waited at the bar before we could get a table. This place has awesome strawberry blended margaritas so I got one. Apparently lime = straight, strawberry = gay."
– Thirty_Helens_Agree
So Fruity
"My husband bought some of our homegrown raspberries into work to share and a guy he works with said they were 'girl food'. It must be so exhausting to have to gender your food."
– Pepperfig_clover
Not A 'Hard' Food
"Said online that I like soup, it's one of my favourite things in life. Then some guy replied, assuming I must have been brought up on soup, which in turn meant I didn't eat much 'hard' foods growing up and probably given me an unmasculine jaw."
– D-Rez
"Childish" Lunch
"My dad got sh*t from a guy he was working with because he was eating a plain bagel with butter on it and drinking chocolate milk because the guy said it’s childish. Dad never cared and just laughed at the guy for being an idiot. Who wouldn’t like that combo? It’s a great thing to eat!"
– WhatsUpFishes
It's all so silly, really.
I was once asked to check for any gum on my shoe during recess at my middle school.
When I looked behind me and lifted my foot up to check, these two dudes were laughing hysterically, saying I was gay for not inspecting my shoe by lifting my foot out in front of me.
Well, I guess their gaydar was actively engaged at an early age. Whateves
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Women Break Down The Least Attractive Qualities That Men Actually Think Make Them Hot
Like male birds with vibrant feathers and complicated mating ritual dances, straight men will go to absurd lengths to win the attention of women.
Go to any bar or club. Scan the room and undoubtedly come across bicep-clenching shirt sleeves and loud male voices screaming into the ear of a less-than-enthusiastic listener on the dance floor.
That's not to say there are plenty of wonderful traits that draw women to men. There's a reason marriage and procreation continues.
But for all those success stories, there are so many instances that involve a man trying to win the heart of a woman using means that are antithetical to what she actually values.
Redditor Londoner421 asked:
"Women, what's the least attractive quality in a man that they usually think is attractive?"
Many women responded by describing the men who apparently feel the need to convince others that they're worthy of attention.
But nobody likes a sales pitch.
Call Now!
"Treating dates like an informercial for themselves." -- zazzlekdazzle
" 'But wait, there's more! Have sex with me within the next 90 minutes and you'll get not one, not two, but THREE extra orgasms! Be the envy of all of your friends with this limited one-time-only offer!' " -- nubsauce87
Wall Flower Opposite
"Over-confidence or the need to show off" -- Glasswall1
"*Famous last words: 'Hey guys! Look what I can do!!'*👍" -- AndringRasew
"TLDR: insecurity" -- lipcrnb
Nobody Cares, Dude
"Bragging about having money" -- lockdownhype
"My love will take you around the world, but my bank account won't get us past the airport." -- InternetKidsAreMean
"Nice. I'm broke af" -- RogueDeku
A Fine Line
" 'Knowing' everything. Sure, intelligence is nice, but it's fu**ing transparent when you start bullshitting just so you don't have to admit there's something you don't know. Especially if I do know it."
-- vikraej
Other women talked about the more toxic elements of masculinity.
Nope.
"Being overly aggressive with other people. Like, you are out at a club with him and he is ready to pick fights with anyone who (he thinks) looks at him or me wrong."
"I think it makes them feel macho but it's a huge turn off for me. It's happened a few times, and the last time I just turned around and took a car home."
Pure Rage
"Expressing the need to be violent without any real cause or hint that they enjoy being violent. It just outright frightens me being anywhere need people that do that."
We Are Not Apes
" 'Alpha male' 🙄" -- justputonsomemusic
"An unstable, early iteration of male. Needs further development and testing before public release." -- DoomCircus
And other women lamented all the men that seem to think attraction is a zero-sum game. These guys apparently felt that the only way to look good is to push a possible "threat" away.
Just Be Nice
"Putting other people down, to make themselves look better."
"No, you are not making yourself look better. You're being a di**."
-- maszah
Again, Nobody Cares.
"The one up man. Almost always dominates the conversation and one ups everyone else's experiences and replies. Shows me you're immature and can't hold a conversation without the focus being on you."
Just Sloppy
"Guys and/or girls who pride themselves on being able to out drink or outsmoke everyone until they're a blubbering mess. Or doing a bunch of drugs."
"They think they're so epic but it's honestly embarrassing when it's a constant and people have to babysit you during a get together."
Hopefully, at least a few men will come across this list and check themselves the next time they feel a fight or a boast welling up.
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We all know how bad masculinity has impacted women throughout history. But there are plenty of aspects of masculinity that also hurt men too.
Simply put, men, on average, don't feel open to express vulnerability. They feel they have to keep it all inside, or their social world doesn't indicate that it'll accept it when they do.
So the anonymity of the internet can offer a unique opportunity to men. They can share the vulnerable emotions and feelings they often don't get the chance to.
Of course, we know that can take a problematic turn quickly (incels). But a recent Reddit thread showed a more positive, supportive environment.
Redditor __Dawn__Amber__ asked:
"What do men want that they will never admit out loud?"
Many men discussed their social needs. Like all human beings, men just want to be listened to.
Little Things
"Someone to encourage them and make them feel important" -- MR_DINO5AUR
"My wife told me yesterday that she was proud of me and I gave her the biggest, hardest hug I have given her for that, because I really needed to hear that!" -- erobed2
A Basic Necessity
"Just came out of a panic attack and have some new insight that I normally don't have."
"Besides the typical food/water/shelter stuff, companionship/someone to talk to/someone who cares and some sort of purpose."
"I also generally have a hard time accepting help because I don't want to be a burden, but I always want to offer help because I see that as why I am here, to help others. But I guess I need to view accepting help as also helping, because everyone needs the opportunity to help others, so sometimes in order to help I need to play the role of receiving help."
"This got way deeper than I intended, sorry."
-- Lougehrig10
Talk to Each Other
"To be heard."
"Dude, there are moments where I just want to talk...about how the world feels so small, how insecure I feel about myself and my future, how I want to spend a day with a few friends and not think of my shi**y car, how I feel useless, to talk about how I bottle everything in my throat and 'get it out' with a silent scream."
"I have talked about this with a few people, but the constant feeling of failing and not truly speak about it is horrible. My haunting thoughts that one day I will 60 and my dreams will be long gone without being fullfilled."
That Whole, Spiritual Love
"Love, I don't mean relationship love. I mean genuine human love. I don't need money or a 5 course meal, no, just love from a human"
Other men talked about touch. They want warm, comfortable touch. The media illustration of men as harsh, standalone figures couldn't be further from the truth.
Coddling
"I just want to be held like a fu**ing child sometimes. I'm a pretty big guy and I don't really show too much emotion (how I was raised) but sometimes I just wanna be little spoon and cry without being judged for it. I want people to know I'm depressed and not make fun of me for it."
"Sometimes the only way I can imagine life is just "cold" I might have friends etc. but nobody that I can truly talk to. And it sucks. I'm not just some horny breadwinner. I'm a human, I want to be loved, and cared for, as me, not the facade I put around myself."
-- MellowedHigh
Simple Request
"A hug. Just a hug" -- mr-dani
"Yeah, came here to say almost the exact same thing. Men have been trained to not admit that they crave affection, love, etc. (among people my age, I've found)" -- facelesscog
In So Many Words
"To be the little spoon" -- Jaso1555
"I believe that can be easily achieved by simply asking her to be the jetpack. That way, I'm not asking to be the little spoon, I am Rocketman." -- lee24k
And other men discussed the total inverse: they wanted a slice of time to just be themselves with nobody else around.
Time and Space
"I just want a break man" -- Cubsfan630
"The word 'hustle' makes me angry." -- Pigvalve
"Yea man. Every now and then I just want a weekend with the house to myself to play video games and watch movies all day with no responsibilities. Easier said then done as a homeowner with a wife and baby. There's always something that needs to be done." -- Misdirected_Colors
Recharging
"Alone time" -- ourcityofdreams
"Alone time, without the guilt of hurting someone's feelings." -- joeschmoe86
"My girlfriend understands that I need alone time so like twice a week after work or an a weekend day, she'd just leave me alone except maybe ask me where something is or what food I would like. I'm very happy she understands." -- DankMeowMeowMix
Inaccessible Comfort
"A bubble bath." -- BlazinPhoenix
"I don't fit into a regular bath tub due to my height. I'd absolutely love a bubble bath." -- hryfrcnsnnts
Hopefully, this thread was a first step in these guys moving toward more vulnerability in real life.
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The subset of men that fall under the "Bro" umbrella is by now a well-understood facet of modern culture. Some self-identify as a bro. Others have the title foisted upon them.
Let's look at some definitions.
The #2 rated definition on Urban Dictionary is hardly flattering:
"Obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren't making an @ss of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying."
"Nearly everyone in a fraternity is a bro but there are also many bros who are not in a fraternity. They often wear a rugby shirt and a baseball cap. It is not uncommon for them to have spiked hair with frosted tips."
The #3 rated definition, however, was glowing:
"NOT THE DEFINITION FOR DOUCHEBAGS."
"Your bro is your homie(s) for life. Calling someone your bro declares automatically that you are down for life, that your bros come directly in front of thy hoes. Choose carefully who you declare as your bro, because some people could intercept this very wrongly and it could backfire."
"You could call strangers you interact with "man" and/or "dude" but "bro" is sacred."
It's the almost spiritual reverence for Bro culture that pushed Redditor joestarbloodline to ask:
"Men of Reddit, what's your favorite unwritten rule of the bro code?"
Many Bros on Reddit chose to highlight the intentional ways they interact and communicate with one another. At the end of the day, we're talking about friendship.
Cheat Sheet
"Up-nod for informal respect, down-nod for formal respect." -- Cheshire90
"head up - hi, sup etc. head down - u have my respect, thank u head left - look over there head right - we need to talk, come here" -- TypowyPiesel
Be a Pal
"You gotta hype your bro up if it genuinely makes him happy, such as; new job, new relationship, new positive lifestyle, new car, etc. Seeing your bro reach peak potential is always a great feeling."
-- Brickfrog501
Mental Health-Aware Bros
"When your bro is isolated and lonely, bros reach out and call them or text them every day to make sure they are okay."
"Bros bring bros food when bros are feeling down."
The Clearest Sign
"Here's mine: you're supposed to sh** on and talk sh** to your closest bros right to their face. That's how you know the bromance is real."
-- sbaks0820
Others offered tongue in cheek rules about how one is supposed to handle the untimely death of a Bro in their life. Bottom line, spiff them up as much as possible.
An Impressive Final Story
"If your friend dies while bench pressing, add more weight to the bar before calling anyone." -- Zyffrin
"I mean you would have to be pretty sure that he is dead before. Imagine someone fainting and waking up with so much weight on them that they can't lift it." -- Additional_Meeting_2
Scrub, Scrub, Scrub
"If your friend dies you delete his browser history" -- HiNaughtyGirlImDad
"Something similar for me. A friend was gay, but deeply in the closet. (old guy in his 70s)"
"Before be passed, he begged me to keep it a secret. How do you say no to that?"
"After he was gone, I offered to help his family clean up his home, since I lived close by."
"Ending up spending a few days scouring the home, finding anything that might reveal his orientation, and got rid of it."
"I'm sure his family had suspicions. How do you hide such a thing? But I did what was asked of me." -- Someone_Who_Cared
Last, there was plenty of talk about bathroom etiquette. Unfortunatley, at least some amount of homophobia is usually embedded in Bro culture.
Careful Head Movements
"There are 3 authorized looking positions while at a urinal. Straight ahead, straight up in the air, or straight down. Never side to side."
-- Jnida23
Safe Space
"There are 5 urinals, don't be a di** and use the second one from the right or the left." -- Comfortable_Length56
"Us janitors know they don't need cleaning. Nobody dares use them /s" -- Jollysatyr201
Time and Place
"No bathroom conversations with any other man you dont already know." -- Cycleofmadness
"Unless you are all insanely drunk." -- Juan__two__three
"And even if you do know them, if it's something that can wait until after you leave, then wait until after you leave." -- svenson_26
If you ever do find yourself thrust into a Bro-style relationship, come back to this list to remember how to stay welcomed into the fray.
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