Love and marriage, what a combo. I ask all the time... what are the secrets? How do make love endure? I need to be ready. Should I ever live long enough to love.
Rules
Reese Witherspoon Mom GIF by HULUGiphy"Only the couple sets the rules of what their marriage is, not your mother, not your friends, not tv... just you. That actually applies to all relationships."
Alone Again
"Getting married doesn't mean that you're never going to feel lonely again."
"Feeling lonely doesn't necessarily mean because of issues with your partner. They can't be your only source of companionship. A lot of people have this misconception though, so glad you shared it."
"Yeah that's what I was trying to say. People still need friendships and other relationships outside of just with their spouse. They can't take care of every emotional need you have. I've known many people who ignore those outside relationships when they get married and later regret it."
Life Changes
"My marriage was stretched the absolute thinnest when we welcomed both our kids - take a complete life change, add in lack of sleep, hormones, an upended schedule and a million other things and it will strain even the strongest relationship. Because we were good going into it, we were even better coming out."
"If you have any kind of cracks in your relationship, bringing a newborn into it will quickly make them chasms. I have to laugh when people say they'll have a baby to "save the relationship" because I can't think of a faster way to end a floundering relationship than to bring a baby into it!"
My Poor Sister
"My sister's marriage. Her MIL had a ridiculous amount of control over things and her husband didn't want to be in the middle so he would plug his ears and walk away. When my sister finally told her MIL that what she was doing was disrupting and causing problems in her (my sister) family, the MIL sat there dumbfounded and asked "why would any of this upset your brothers and sisters?"
"She just could not grasp the fact that my sisters family was her husband and kids and rolled her eyes when she was told that. Since her husband never stood up, and in some cases would actively back his mom because he didn't want to upset her, it eventually drove them apart. Now they never talk unless they have to and the kids are all but estranged from their dad and grandparents."
Unsolved...
Nbc Marriage GIF by This Is UsGiphy"Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship."
So far that is sound advice. And it all sounds pretty basic. So why do so many marrieds make it such an arduous task? This is starting to sound like lessons in keeping it simple.
Like Count
Schitts Creek Yes GIF by CBCGiphy"Liking your partner is just as important if not more than loving them."
People Share The Most Selfless Thing They've Ever Secretly Done | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Take Care
"Being married 20 years, I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but being in a long term relationship like that just makes you an expert on your own relationship. Not on relationships in general. We can sometimes forget that, just because it works well in our own life, doesn't mean it will work for others."
"When you're a young couple, dozens of older couples are going to tell you what works for them. The best thing to do is understand that it's coming from a place of caring, and some will be good advice, but you've got to just find what works for you."
"check with my husband"
"Talk to your partner before you make decisions. I can't even tell you how much crap I get from my single friends when I tell them I'll "check with my husband" before agreeing to do something. Usually it's just to make sure we don't have something else going on that I forgot about, or maybe he wanted to do something and I haven't brought it up."
"It's not asking permission, it's being conscientious of your partner. It's especially true if you have kids. No, I don't ask my husband to "babysit", but it would be pretty sh*tty for me to just say "oh hey, I'm going out tonight. Have fun with a couple toddlers by yourself and with no notice!" And he treats me with the same respect."
- IAmZot
Sleep on it...
"When we first married, an older person told us to never go to bed angry. We dutifully followed that advice for a few years. But a couple of years into our marriage, we were up still arguing about something at 2 AM. Finally we just went to bed angry after agreeing to discuss the problem in the morning. By the next morning we both realized we'd both just been tired. Well-rested the next day the problem just didn't seem as big a deal. For us at least… sometimes we just need to sleep on it."
Things to do...
mountain GIFGiphy"Have things you enjoy doing with your spouse that don't involve sex. The most stable marriages are ones where you and your spouse could be friends if you weren't married. Goes for dating too, IMO."
"butterflies in your stomach"
"I like my husband the most out of all the people I know. Even if I didn't have romantic feelings for him, I'd want to be friends with him because he's the freaking coolest. Like if I never knew him, and tomorrow I met an eighty year old man with his same personality, I would wanna hang out with that old man. We've been together for more than a decade, and while the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling comes and goes, there's always a baseline level of like that makes spending time with him worthwhile."
Maintain
"You still need to maintain the things that made you, you before marriage. My wife and I have very different tastes in a lot of things and we never pretend to like it for the sake of the other person but also will not actively discourage those tastes either. I like hardcore and punk music. My wife likes bubblegum pop country."
"She thinks I listen to just noise and I think most of her stuff is shallow mass produced garbage but we agree to disagree and understand different flavors. Our friends are into different activities and we understand sometimes you gotta go have fun with those other people in your life and have some you time."
Travel
Driving Road Trip GIF by The WigglesGiphy"Go on a road trip together. Travel together before marriage. Close quarters and tough situations will give you insights into who that other person is."
Slow Down
"Do not rush into marriage, and make sure you have multiple serious talks about everything (few examples: religion, family, friends, goals for near future, goals for future, plan for kids, lifestyle, housing, retirement). The reason I say multiple talks is because people grow or change the longer they are with each other."
- Jim105
Make a List
- "Talk about whether you want kids before things get serious.
- Finances are something you manage together. It isn't something you cede to one spouse for whatever reason. I say this as someone who had to teach my dad how to use an ATM and the online banking site after my mom died.
- It's your relationship. It's something that belongs to you two. No one else.
- Adult up. Both partners need to take in the mental load of managing the house." - ConnieLingus24
Tomorrow
"Focus on your marriage and not just on the wedding. And decide whether a fight is worth having - if it doesn't matter tomorrow does it really matter today."
"Be careful with this one though, sometimes things don't matter tomorrow but they could matter the next time the same scenario comes up. So it's still important to discuss. But in those cases I still like to wait till I'm over it to bring up how we could manage to not piss each other off next time. Fail-safes for when we're not our most considerate, which is often. lol"
Get your own...
"It's okay to use separate blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold butt cheeks because the other person "stole" the blanket!"
"After 12 years of marriage, my wife and I upgraded to a split king bed last year (we always had separate blankets). One of the best things we've done. It's had 0 effect on our sex life, and we both sleep way better than either of us did for years. It's kinda fun to walk up to the bed, hit "flat" on both remotes while winking at her."
Keep on keepin' on...
"Attraction comes and goes, but staying committed through it will really help you feel accepted and loved. Often the attraction differential doesn't kick in during dating."
"I'll add- marry someone you like > love. That romantic feeling is an emotion that waxes and wanes with time. Truly enjoying someone aside from intimate stuff is what makes up 99% of the time of the relationship."
- love2go
Fly
Butterflies GIF by smecceaGiphy"Once the butterflies go away it is your job to create butterfly moments."
Good Times
"I have been married over 30 years. I would estimate only 25 of those years has been happily married. There will be crappy times possibly years. Wait it out unless it's abuse. People are often unhappy at work or something like that and leave their partner instead of dealing with the true problem. Your spouse should be the one you lean on to get through the outside noise not the first one you blame."
Maybe it's easier just to stay single. I'm so gloomy. But I will hold onto this thread just in case. Oh marriage, why can't it just be perfect?
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